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1
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:18,953
I'm sorry I bit your
tongue. It's been a while.
2
00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:20,657
- I'm sorry I taste
like Korean cigarettes.
3
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:22,856
Tobacco's the only thing
with protein over there.
4
00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:25,150
Their meat is just
deflated kickballs.
5
00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:26,442
- How are you feeling?
6
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:27,847
- Ready to put
this all behind me.
7
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,656
I don't even want to think about
the things they made me do.
8
00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:32,991
Earlier today,
america's credit rating
9
00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:36,453
was downgraded
to triple fart-minus.
10
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:39,456
- You poor thing,
over there all alone.
11
00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,166
- Ahoy there.
12
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:44,002
- Oh, Jack, this is
Scott Scottsman.
13
00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:45,374
Scott Scottsman.
14
00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:47,297
My ears are all plugged
up from the plane.
15
00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:49,216
Am I talking too loud?
16
00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:51,093
- Scott was forced to do sports
17
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:52,970
on American news channel usa.
18
00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:54,972
Avery Jessup with news.
19
00:00:55,264 --> 00:00:57,140
- Scott Scottsman with sports.
20
00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,017
- And it's me, Johnny mountain,
21
00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:02,020
with the weather on the
one and the traffic on the one.
22
00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:03,730
You no ask how I do it.
23
00:01:06,942 --> 00:01:08,110
- It's a funny story, really.
24
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,362
I was working for
KSCT, our of scottsdale.
25
00:01:10,654 --> 00:01:12,590
They sent me to South Korea
to do a "where are they now?"
26
00:01:12,614 --> 00:01:13,907
On the pitcher Byung-hyun Kim.
27
00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:15,867
Turns out he's still
living in america,
28
00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:16,660
and I get kidnapped.
29
00:01:16,952 --> 00:01:17,952
- Uh-huh.
30
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,920
I had no idea there was
another hostage there.
31
00:01:20,122 --> 00:01:21,957
A man.
32
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:24,668
- Right. Well, we
should get home.
33
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:27,504
For American news channel
usa, this is Avery Jessup.
34
00:01:27,796 --> 00:01:28,916
- And I'm Scott Scottsman...
35
00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:33,510
Both: Reminding all of
you there is no weekend.
36
00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:44,847
♪ ♪
37
00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:53,780
- Good morning.
- Oh...
38
00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:55,991
- I'm putting
together a knock list
39
00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:56,783
for the work upstairs.
40
00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:58,428
What do you think
about an intercom?
41
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,292
That way, if it's an
office, you can call down.
42
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,623
If it's a nursery, then
you can hear the baby.
43
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:05,000
Or the plant. It's your body.
44
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:09,796
- Right. Well, if I did ever
have a... Plant with you
45
00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:11,506
or whatever... I
mean, at my age,
46
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:13,151
we might have to
get an Asian plant
47
00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:15,236
or accept an older plant
with some behavioral issues,
48
00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:15,802
and we're a
little afraid of it...
49
00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:16,762
- do you want an intercom, Liz?
50
00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:18,472
- Yes. Sure. To hear the plant.
51
00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:21,933
I'm sorry. It's just the
more we talk about this,
52
00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:23,644
it's scary.
53
00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:26,146
I mean, that plant's not
coming out of your butt, pal,
54
00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:27,438
it's coming out of mine.
55
00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:29,204
- All right, well, look,
to do everything,
56
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,276
it's gonna be around ten grand.
- Duck?
57
00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:32,235
- I'm gonna do as
much work as possible,
58
00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:33,945
but I don't think it's safe
59
00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:34,946
for me to do the wiring
in an old building like this.
60
00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:37,157
The walls are filled
with electrocuted mice.
61
00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:39,993
- Well, I could
dip into my 401K...
62
00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:42,412
Is something I've heard old
people say in commercials.
63
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:44,544
- Well, I could chip in.
If you take my profits
64
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,875
from the hot dog truck
and add 'em to the $300
65
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,927
my aunt gave me for
Christmas, I'd have $200.
66
00:02:49,086 --> 00:02:51,338
Yeah.
- Right.
67
00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:54,841
Let me think about it,
but I've got to get to work.
68
00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:56,843
Oh, boy, I sound
just like my dad.
69
00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:59,888
- Which, I guess,
makes me Mrs. Lemon.
70
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,807
- Seriously, though,
I gotta get to work.
71
00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:06,353
- Oh, I gotta get to yoga
and lunch with the girls.
72
00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:12,734
- Tracy, who sponsored
your wedding?
73
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,754
- I don't know. There
was a lot of Fanta there,
74
00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:16,578
and the police, so maybe
they co-sponsored it?
75
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:19,116
- Oh, that's right, you were a
nobody when you got married.
76
00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:22,244
Only huge stars get to have
their wedding sponsored.
77
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,788
- Ms. Maroney, a
wedding is a simple
78
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,080
and beautiful ceremony
79
00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:28,792
where an old man
and a crying girl
80
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:30,460
get pushed into
the coupling shed.
81
00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:32,397
- No, if you don't have
a sponsor these days,
82
00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:33,421
you're nobody.
83
00:03:33,505 --> 00:03:36,258
My sponsor is the
southern tourism bureau.
84
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,844
It's perfect 'cause I'm
sort of a down-home,
85
00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:40,154
america's sweetheart type.
86
00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:42,180
Leonardi, my hair
psychic, is always saying
87
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:43,640
how down to earth I am.
88
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:45,809
- Oh, I know the
southern tourism bureau.
89
00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:48,021
They pay me a yearly
stipend to stay in New York.
90
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,068
- They're paying for me
and Paul to get married
91
00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:51,272
on an old plantation.
92
00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:53,084
Which is great 'cause
our wedding was gonna be
93
00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:54,151
slavery-themed anyway.
94
00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:55,944
All I have to do is
shoot a commercial
95
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,947
and say, "Dixie
is calling, you all.
96
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,359
I reckon you should answer."
97
00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:02,092
- Are you sure you're
saying that right?
98
00:04:02,325 --> 00:04:05,078
- Of course I am. I have
a natural southern accent,
99
00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:08,707
'cause I'm from le
flori-dah pahn-hahndle.
100
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:10,268
- You know, a lot of
people lose their accents
101
00:04:10,292 --> 00:04:12,961
once they leave home
and go off to the big city.
102
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:16,256
Before moving here, I done
used to talk-n-jaw like this, see?
103
00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:18,925
- And when I'm at work, I
use my white-people voice.
104
00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:21,094
You should see how
we talk in the Bronx.
105
00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:23,764
Raar blarg shmoo-boo wagga!
106
00:04:24,055 --> 00:04:26,767
- I'm sorry, sir, I have no
idea what you're saying.
107
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:28,977
- I'm sure it's
nothing that I can't fix
108
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,520
with a little accent work.
109
00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:33,106
I'm not gonna let it
ruin my dream wedding.
110
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:35,275
- It's only a dream
wedding? Thank god!
111
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:37,402
I did not want to attend.
112
00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:45,660
- All set, Jack.
113
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,579
- Did Liddy go down?
- Eventually.
114
00:04:47,871 --> 00:04:49,831
Understandably,
she's a little wary of me.
115
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,958
I heard her ask her
bear who the dye job is.
116
00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:54,211
- Oh, don't worry about
it. You're home now,
117
00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:55,587
we're Jack and Avery,
118
00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:58,173
and we are going to crush
this return to normalcy.
119
00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:00,008
- Absolutely.
120
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,177
It's gonna be like
I was never away.
121
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:04,054
- Absolutely. Frankly,
122
00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:05,806
not too much has changed.
123
00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:09,100
There is an iPod 3
and a mitt Romney 4.
124
00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:10,552
They worked all the bugs out.
125
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:12,187
He's not killing hobos
at night anymore.
126
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,105
And tomorrow, I am
going to throw you
127
00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:17,776
a thankschristmasvaleneasterween
of July party.
128
00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:20,068
- Genius. We'll celebrate
all the holidays I missed
129
00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:21,195
in one night.
130
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,448
We are gonna be
so normal so fast!
131
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,242
I've already started
my job search.
132
00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:26,743
I'm making a new reel.
133
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:28,471
I actually did some
good work over there.
134
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:30,789
Scott and I co-reported
on the north Koreans
135
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:32,457
sweeping the Olympics.
136
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:35,836
They did, right?
- Yes... Scott.
137
00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:37,921
I'm so glad there was
someone there for you
138
00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:40,006
during this, uh, ordeal.
139
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:42,138
- Look, Jack, I know we
can put everything back
140
00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:43,217
the way it was.
141
00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:44,821
There's just one
thing I need to say first.
142
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,125
- I didn't wear your nightgowns.
143
00:05:46,388 --> 00:05:47,931
If they seem stretched out,
144
00:05:48,223 --> 00:05:49,325
it's because you're
remembering wrong.
145
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:53,270
No, Jack, what
I want to say is...
146
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:57,649
If anything happened
while I was gone
147
00:05:57,941 --> 00:06:03,905
between you and someone else...
148
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,241
It doesn't matter now. Okay?
149
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,618
All is forgiven.
150
00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:15,171
- Okay, Jenna, I need
some relationship advice.
151
00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:16,644
- Well, you've come
to the right place.
152
00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:19,004
I've been writing a
sex column for cosmo.
153
00:06:19,296 --> 00:06:20,881
Cosmo is my
14-year-old neighbor.
154
00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:22,173
He doesn't know anything.
155
00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:24,926
- No, it's not about
sex. It's about money.
156
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:25,927
Oh, Liz!
157
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,513
Sex, money, power, fire,
158
00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:30,932
choking, being dragged
behind a speed boat...
159
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,224
It's all the same thing.
160
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:34,811
- Look, you and I
are both in situations
161
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:35,729
where we're the breadwinner.
162
00:06:36,021 --> 00:06:38,023
How do you and
Paul deal with that?
163
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:38,940
- We love it.
164
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,484
Gender role-reversal
is such a turn-on.
165
00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:43,153
Paul keeps the house nice,
166
00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:44,654
and I try to get him pregnant.
167
00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:47,198
And the best part is,
if I want to treat myself
168
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:49,159
to a new pair of
Christy LaButtons,
169
00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:51,870
I don't have to ask
any man for $17.
170
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:53,997
- I'm sorry, Christy who?
- Labuttons.
171
00:06:54,289 --> 00:06:55,683
They're knockoff
Christian Louboutins.
172
00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:57,542
I got tired of ruining
$1,200 shoes
173
00:06:57,834 --> 00:06:59,154
trying to impregnate
my boyfriend.
174
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,939
- You know something,
against all odds,
175
00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:02,212
you have a point.
176
00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:03,882
Feminism promised
us two things...
177
00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:06,968
Fatter dolls, and an end
to traditional gender roles.
178
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,260
Why am I fighting this?
179
00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:10,055
So what if I make
more money than Criss?
180
00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,182
- Exactly. It doesn't bother me.
181
00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:13,558
Doesn't bother Oprah.
182
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:15,202
- It sure doesn't
seem to bother Criss.
183
00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:16,226
He's at yoga right now.
184
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:17,604
- You wear the pants, Liz.
185
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:19,256
You don't necessarily
pull them off
186
00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:21,775
because of your hips,
but you wear them.
187
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,069
So embrace it!
188
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,952
- Lemon, Avery's missed
the past 12 months
189
00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:33,244
of popular culture.
190
00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:35,830
Could you put together a
presentation for tomorrow?
191
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:36,706
An hour, tops.
192
00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:38,500
- An hour for the year?
193
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,835
Am I supposed to
just scratch the surface
194
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:42,671
of Channing Tatum's
meteoric rise?
195
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:47,425
- Lemon, Avery did
something strange this morning.
196
00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:49,437
They brainwashed
her, didn't they?
197
00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,158
- Avery said something
this morning...
198
00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:53,098
Something shocking.
199
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:55,767
That no matter what
happened while she was gone,
200
00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:57,059
"all is forgiven."
201
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,310
- And that's bad?
202
00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,897
It seems awfully nice
of her, considering.
203
00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:02,440
- Exactly. Awfully nice.
204
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:03,834
Does that sound
like Avery to you?
205
00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:05,498
- Well, no.
- That woman does not forgive.
206
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,070
She's still furious with Al Gore
207
00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:09,906
for stealing George Bush's
idea to have an Internet.
208
00:08:10,198 --> 00:08:11,533
And now she's forgiving me? Why?
209
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,302
Because she wants to
change the conversation
210
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,262
because she's done something
she doesn't want to talk about.
211
00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,722
And what do people
not want to talk about?
212
00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:18,540
Soccer, jazz, infidelity.
213
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,152
- Okay, first of
all, I don't know
214
00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:21,288
what you count as cheating,
215
00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:23,837
but she was forced to
marry someone else.
216
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,755
- Kim jong-UN, Lemon.
217
00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:27,924
Have you seen news
footage of that man?
218
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:31,219
- I have so many missile!
219
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,930
I even have nuclear missile.
220
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,683
Just for you, sugarprong.
221
00:08:36,975 --> 00:08:39,394
- There was another
American there, Lemon.
222
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,688
A man. It raises some red flags.
223
00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:43,300
- Oh, my god. Who
are you to talk?
224
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,191
You French-Canadian
kissed her mother,
225
00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:46,794
which is my name
for French kissing
226
00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:48,153
when it bums everybody else out.
227
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:52,282
- Yes. Brilliant. I'll
use my indiscretion
228
00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:53,950
to guilt her into
revealing hers.
229
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:55,493
The game is afoot!
230
00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,620
- No. She's been
back for, like six hours.
231
00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:58,997
Maybe take a little time,
232
00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:00,832
let things get back to normal.
233
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:03,418
- Playing psycho-sexual mind
games is our normal, Lemon.
234
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:07,130
This is perfect.
Everything's perfect.
235
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,802
- Dadgum possum up'n what
bit my mama's neck brace.
236
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:15,847
- Dadgum possum up and what
been bit my mother's neck brace.
237
00:09:16,139 --> 00:09:18,183
- Again!
- Dadgum possum up and what been
238
00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,018
my mom's neck brace.
239
00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:21,686
- Again, you waste of my time!
240
00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:25,065
- Dadgum possum up'n what
bit my mama's neck brace!
241
00:09:25,356 --> 00:09:27,567
- There it is. Again!
242
00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,497
Excellent. Again!
243
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:45,835
- Dixie's callin', y'all. I
reckon you should answer.
244
00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:48,421
No, this isn't right.
245
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,298
This isn't southern elegance.
246
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,509
This is a dirtbag
girl I once knew.
247
00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:54,260
A girl named Jay-nuh!
248
00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:56,846
She used to get into
fistfights at water parks,
249
00:09:57,138 --> 00:10:00,141
and lost her virginity to a
bait salesman on a wa ter bed.
250
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:03,728
She's not who I am
anymore. I'm classy.
251
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:06,481
- People who say that
about themselves usually are.
252
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,441
- This whole southern
thing is wrong.
253
00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:10,133
I need to find a new
wedding sponsor
254
00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:11,361
that's as classy as I am.
255
00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:15,990
I'm not this person,
'cause I done got rid of her!
256
00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:20,221
- Kim Jong-Il could not
be reached for comment
257
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:21,639
because he was having
a totally normal day
258
00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:23,123
being alive and not dead.
259
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:25,416
And now with sports,
Scott Scottsman.
260
00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:27,335
- Thanks, Avery. In NBA action,
261
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,171
Kim jong-UN won the
championship today.
262
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,899
Our brilliant comrade
scored 200 points
263
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,925
and then went hot-tubbing
with a couple guys
264
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,537
he's definitely
just friends with.
265
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,975
- Hey.
- Hi.
266
00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:44,370
- Look, I've been thinking
about what you said earlier
267
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:47,021
about forgiveness...
It was beautiful.
268
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,542
But I would feel very guilty
if I kept anything from you,
269
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:51,526
as I know you would if you
kept something from me.
270
00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:53,945
So while you were away,
271
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:58,366
I did have feelings
for another woman.
272
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,952
- Thank you.
273
00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:02,370
I forgive you.
274
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,165
- You lose, Jack...
275
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:07,083
Is what Kim Jong-Il
said to Jack Nicklaus
276
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:08,519
after defeating
him in golf today
277
00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:11,880
because they're
both totally alive.
278
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:19,429
- Wow, you went out
and bought a fedora.
279
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,890
- Oh, this? I finally
watched the premiere
280
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,392
of prime suspect on
hulu. It's really very good.
281
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,603
Anyway, I thought I
would treat myself.
282
00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:30,648
But don't worry, I'm
gonna take care of you too.
283
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,192
- Wow. Okay, but look,
284
00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:34,277
I still want to chip
in on this renovation.
285
00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:36,154
- And clean out
your life savings?
286
00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:37,864
Why don't you take that $200
287
00:11:38,156 --> 00:11:39,866
and buy yourself something cute?
288
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:43,328
Here's a hint. I like zippers.
289
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,288
- I'm a man. I'm
a man, I'm a man!
290
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:47,332
I'm an adult man!
291
00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:49,143
You think I like you having
to pay for everything?
292
00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:50,167
It's humiliating.
293
00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:51,878
- But gender roles, fat dolls...
294
00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:54,130
- you think I like having
to earn CrissPoints
295
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:57,050
so that I can take you on
dates that you actually pay for?
296
00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:59,022
I thought you liked
the CrissPoints system.
297
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,929
- Only because liking
the CrissPoints system
298
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,932
is one of the ways
I earn CrissPoints!
299
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:07,393
- Okay, I'm sorry that I
offended your male pride,
300
00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:10,396
but you're the one who chose
to sell hot dogs out of a car.
301
00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:13,399
- It is a Van with a
car engine, Liz, okay?
302
00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:16,361
Now, look, if your show
gets canceled, okay,
303
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,863
or NBC just becomes a web site
304
00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:20,435
that sells used office supplies,
305
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:22,291
I'd like to know that I
can take care of you.
306
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,869
And now we're talking
about having a plant?
307
00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:26,161
It's stressing me out!
308
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,872
- Oh, really? It's
stressing you out?
309
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:28,873
Of course, because
you're the person
310
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:30,351
who has to Krang that
plant for nine months,
311
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:33,127
poop it, and then go back to
work to support both of you!
312
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,004
- Uh-huh. So what
you're saying is
313
00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:36,357
you need somebody
different to do this with.
314
00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:38,841
Somebody with money
that's probably named Spencer
315
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:40,176
or Grant.
316
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:42,929
And he has a watch, and
an office with a trash can
317
00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:44,597
and a little
basketball hoop on it.
318
00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,242
And he plays as hard as
he works because, damn it,
319
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,351
he deserves to
blow off a little steam.
320
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:50,687
- God, I don't wanna
be with Spencer!
321
00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:52,647
- And yet you're
silent about Grant.
322
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:55,525
Well, guess what... I'm
gonna become Grant.
323
00:12:55,817 --> 00:12:58,027
That's right, tomorrow I'm
gonna take my truck out,
324
00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:01,489
and I'm gonna start pulling
my weight, like a man.
325
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:07,287
Now, get in that bed, and
let's watch dance moms.
326
00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:16,421
- Hey, girl.
327
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,381
Are you crying because
there are no roles
328
00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:21,843
for actresses in their
40s, Nor should there be?
329
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,679
- I thought I found a classy
new sponsor for my wedding,
330
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:26,597
but then something happened.
331
00:13:28,266 --> 00:13:30,066
Hubbard's flavorless
English water biscuits...
332
00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:31,561
I'm sorry.
333
00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:34,439
Hubbard's flavorless
English water biscuits...
334
00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:37,025
- Cut!
- They fired me.
335
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,235
We did 50 takes,
and I couldn't do it.
336
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:41,988
- 50? That's nothing.
I once did 100 takes
337
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,824
and still couldn't say
the word "incorrigible."
338
00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:46,116
Great, now I get it!
339
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,661
Siri, bring Jessica
tandy back to life.
340
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,673
- I thought that girl
from toilet swamp cove
341
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:51,955
was dead and buried,
342
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,083
but she's always
been there inside me,
343
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:55,752
and now she's taking over.
344
00:13:56,044 --> 00:13:57,962
I want to throw a
natty light at a cop car!
345
00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:00,131
- I have someone inside me too.
346
00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:01,966
It's a bath toy
of a scuba diver.
347
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:05,053
- I need to take a
walk and clear my head
348
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:06,505
Tracy...
349
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:08,848
Jessica tandy's zombie
is coming to find you.
350
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:10,183
Is that correct?
351
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:13,019
- Yes, Siri. Thank you, baby.
352
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:14,896
- So, Lemon, I took your advice
353
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,689
and used my
transgression with Diana,
354
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:19,192
as a weapon to
interrogate Avery,
355
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:20,526
just as you suggested.
356
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:22,445
- That is not what I suggested.
357
00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:24,137
You just hear what
you want to hear.
358
00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:25,722
- Oh, thank you.
They're from Italy.
359
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,062
I just gave Avery
a little taste.
360
00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:29,243
Said I was attracted
to another woman.
361
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:30,078
Guess what she told me.
362
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,747
Nothing. She just forgave me.
363
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:34,624
Believe me, I didn't expect her
364
00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,477
to come out of her
forgiveness bunker so easily,
365
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,586
but I really need
to up the ante.
366
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,463
Drop a grenade in that bunker,
367
00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:42,298
like Jim Brown
in the dirty dozen.
368
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:43,942
Enjoy your party, Nazis!
369
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:47,303
- Are you talking
about your wife?
370
00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:48,595
- God, she's good.
371
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:51,391
This kind of gamesmanship
is why I love her.
372
00:14:51,682 --> 00:14:54,685
She has the brain of a man,
and the ass of a French teenager.
373
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:55,977
But I will win.
374
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:57,772
- I don't know, Jack, it's 2012.
375
00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,084
It's not always clear who
wears the pants in the family.
376
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:01,734
I do, Lemon. I wear the pants.
377
00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:03,694
- Good morning.
- Oh, good morning.
378
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:05,571
- Nice pants, Avery.
379
00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:07,031
- And, Liz, good to see you.
380
00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:09,492
Oh, you're hair's the same.
381
00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:11,869
- It's not. Actually,
something terrible happened.
382
00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:13,321
- I don't have a lot of time.
383
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:14,723
I have my year-in-finance
presentation after this,
384
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:17,333
and Lloyd Blankfein
slithers back into the sewers
385
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:20,420
to eat rotten
fish at 6:00, so...
386
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,216
♪ deathly hallows and tebow ♪
387
00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:26,628
♪ Oprah does her last show ♪
388
00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:28,511
♪ Beyonce had a baby, yo ♪
389
00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:30,483
♪ it's a 12-month
wrap-up, rap-rap-rap-up ♪
390
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,807
- You know what, I'll just
read some us weeklies.
391
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,618
- Thank you, Lemon.
But it's an hour long,
392
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,144
like you wanted.
- Thank you.
393
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,979
Fine.
394
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:39,981
- I'm gonna head
down to Goldman early.
395
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,713
- Avery, I should
tell you something.
396
00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:43,192
I wasn't completely honest
397
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,045
when I was being
completely honest earlier.
398
00:15:45,069 --> 00:15:46,571
- Let me stop you right there.
399
00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:49,023
I forgave you so that we
wouldn't have to discuss this.
400
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,468
- Let me stop you right there
from stopping me right there.
401
00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:53,077
I know why you forgave me.
402
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:56,414
But the woman I
mentioned, we kissed.
403
00:15:56,706 --> 00:15:58,225
And I know I would hate
it if you kept something
404
00:15:58,249 --> 00:15:59,542
like that from me, so...
405
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:03,337
- so... I forgive you.
406
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:04,709
And no matter what you say,
407
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:08,134
I am always going
to forgive you.
408
00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:09,469
Always.
409
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:19,937
- Aha! What do you think?
Pretty awesome, huh?
410
00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:21,731
It's a brand new location, Liz.
411
00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:23,383
I got a subway
entrance right here,
412
00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:24,918
and I got a tour
bus stop right there.
413
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:26,582
Also, fox news is
right across the street,
414
00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:29,238
and word is Greta Van
Susteren eats hot dogs like slimer.
415
00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:31,115
- Yeah, who's usually here?
416
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:33,409
Oh, right, those
creepy, off-brand
417
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:36,204
sesame street characters
that harass tourists
418
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:37,890
into paying them to
take pictures with them.
419
00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:38,914
I hate those guys.
420
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,080
As a sesame street purist,
421
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,335
I don't think elmo usually
tells passing women
422
00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:44,587
the they have a
sweet dumper. Hey!
423
00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,039
- This is our corner, pal!
- You don't own this corner.
424
00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:49,342
And I got a family to
support, like a man.
425
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:52,178
Oh!
426
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:54,472
Don't hit my cheekbones!
- Hey, stop it!
427
00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:55,890
Get off him, elmo!
428
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:57,622
- Legally, I have
to say I'm elmarg!
429
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,436
Oh, them puppets done picked
430
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,730
the wrong day to cross my kin!
431
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:06,567
It's on, panhandle style!
432
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:13,491
Well, it's over.
433
00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:16,285
I'm never gonna get a
wedding sponsor now.
434
00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:19,664
That dirtbag Jay-nuh won.
435
00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:21,892
I wanted my wedding to be
an expression of who I am,
436
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:22,916
and now it will be.
437
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,669
I'm a panhandle hick,
438
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,712
and my wedding will
be just another panel
439
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:29,715
on my mother's family
history back tattoo.
440
00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:32,426
- Oh, come on,
it's not all that bad.
441
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,262
Look at that caption.
442
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:38,224
"Aging star, Jenna Maroney,
beats up elmo with her..."
443
00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:40,476
So you own things. That's good.
444
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:42,937
"Christian..." that's
always a good word.
445
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:46,524
- Wait, did they say
"Christian" about my shoes?
446
00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:48,859
"With her Christian Louboutins."
447
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:51,821
They didn't know that my
shoes were cheap knockoffs.
448
00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:53,406
They thought they were fancy,
449
00:17:53,698 --> 00:17:55,199
even though
they're secretly crap.
450
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:58,536
That's it. That's who I am!
451
00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:01,330
I'm that knockoff designer shoe.
452
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,708
My outside is shiny and pretty,
453
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:07,295
but my inside is filled with
cardboard and horse glue.
454
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,672
I've solved my identity crisis!
455
00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:14,176
More importantly, I know
who can sponsor my wedding!
456
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,683
- No, I think it's a very cool
costume, mayor Bloomberg.
457
00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:23,185
- Tonight, I'm mayor booo-mberg.
458
00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:24,917
- Yes, I think you've
mentioned that.
459
00:18:24,979 --> 00:18:27,106
- Booo... booo...
460
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,319
- Scott.
461
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,988
- Happy birthdaversary, honey.
462
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,032
- Oh, Jack, this
homecoming's been amazing.
463
00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:38,701
- Nice to see you relaxing
and enjoying yourself,
464
00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:41,495
and totally unprepared
for a forgiveness attack.
465
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,706
- What?
- Avery...
466
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:44,665
- What?
467
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:48,294
- The woman I
kissed is your mother.
468
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:55,092
That is... Shocking.
469
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:58,596
But I told you all is forgiven,
470
00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:02,933
so... all is forgiven.
471
00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:07,271
- What do I have to say
to guilt the truth out of you?
472
00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:08,707
How about this?
A few months ago,
473
00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:09,833
Liddy broke into the gun safe
474
00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:11,692
and shot up your
gift-wrapping room.
475
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,486
I did wear your nightgowns.
476
00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:15,696
Not to feel you near,
they're just comfortable.
477
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:20,576
I had an erotic dream about
an adult dora the explorer.
478
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:22,244
I took her on a
balcony in Madrid,
479
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:24,330
above the Plaza mayor.
480
00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:26,832
She had flowers in her hair.
481
00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:28,284
Now I've admitted everything.
482
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,586
Game over, Avery.
Tell me what you did.
483
00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:33,756
- I'll tell you exactly
what I did, Jack.
484
00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:36,175
I won.
- You what?
485
00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:37,986
- I got you to tell me
everything you did.
486
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,638
And guess what...
I didn't do anything.
487
00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:43,182
- But Scott Scottsman...
- Until the flight home,
488
00:19:43,474 --> 00:19:45,768
the only words I'd ever
said to Scott Scottsman were,
489
00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:48,062
"and now with sports,
Scott Scottsman."
490
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:49,605
- I thought I was playing you,
491
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:51,649
and you were playing
me the whole time.
492
00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:53,741
- And in 24 hours, I
got you to tell me things
493
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:55,569
it would have taken
you years to admit.
494
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:57,947
Now we can start over.
495
00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:00,741
The final piece of the
puzzle is just me forgiving you
496
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:05,413
for, um... Kissing my mother!
497
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,581
- We did it.
Everything's normal.
498
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:10,209
- Usa!
- It's classic us.
499
00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:12,301
Damn it, Jessup, I'd
marry you all over again!
500
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:16,048
That's what we're gonna do.
We've gonna renew our vows.
501
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:18,259
- We need a new blender anyway.
- Oh, baby.
502
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,428
- Oh!
503
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,072
- Sorry I'm late.
Criss got into a fight
504
00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:23,431
with an elmo.
505
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:25,367
And he hates it that I make
more money than he does.
506
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:26,910
And I don't know, maybe
we're not supposed
507
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:27,934
to have a plant together.
508
00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:30,646
Love is complicated, right?
- Wrong.
509
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:32,815
We kicked love's ass!
- Yes!
510
00:20:33,107 --> 00:20:34,107
We're renewing our vows.
511
00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:37,069
- No, no, renewing
vows is a kiss of death.
512
00:20:37,361 --> 00:20:38,801
You should have
let me finish my rap.
513
00:20:38,863 --> 00:20:40,489
There was a whole
verse about it!
514
00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:41,824
♪ J-lo and Marc Anthony ♪
515
00:20:42,116 --> 00:20:43,409
♪ donn and Vicki from O.C. ♪
516
00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:45,327
♪ 12-month wrap-up,
rap-rap-rap-up ♪
517
00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:46,619
- Lemon.
518
00:20:46,662 --> 00:20:48,497
- It's the kiss of death, yo!
519
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:52,918
I reject Chris Brown's
comeback! Lemon out!
520
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,254
- Here at off-brandheelz. Com,
521
00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:57,266
we've got all the
brands that fit your needs
522
00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:58,465
and your budget.
523
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:00,718
Johnny Choon, dolce and banana,
524
00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:05,139
Merolo Blornig,
Prader, Gukki, DKNI,
525
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:08,309
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Diana von Fistenbug,
526
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:09,602
and Jessica Simpson.
527
00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:11,896
We've got all the
brands that fit your needs.
528
00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:14,690
Job interviews, running
from your parole officer,
529
00:21:14,982 --> 00:21:16,525
attending a theater opening,
530
00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:19,069
breaking into your mom's
house to steal her cable box.
531
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:24,158
Off-brandheelz.com,
naturally fayun-cy
40419
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