Original subtitles

- Live television?

Who cares?

- Who cares?

Everybody.

We love live TV.

- Do we love it?

Do you really love the overzealous

studio audience who'll applaud at anything?

Here in the greatest

city on earth, New York,

baby what's up?

- Wait, wait

what are you saying Jack,

cause TGS is live.

- Not anymore.

It's financially impractical.

From now on, you write and

shoot the whole season in two weeks

like "wheel of fortune or "fox news".

- No!

I mean, I grew up on live TV.

Friday night in my parents' basement,

a telethon and cheese steak,

I can see it like it was yesterday.

Best prom night ever!

I'm gonna lose my virginity in nine years!

- TGS has to be live or it'll lose

all the excitement and spontaneity.

I mean that's the beauty of live TV.

Anything could happen.

- There's a bathroom in here

you could use, sir Paul McCartney!

- See?

Awesome.

- Yes.

Uh, but my way is cheaper,

and you only have to work

two weeks out of the year.

I want to go to there.

- So it's settled.

Tonight is TGS's final live show.

- What?

No, live television is an American tradition.

You can't just throw it away.

- Sorry Kenneth,

it's a done deal.

- Our last live show?

No!

♪ Welcome to thirty rock live show ♪

♪ on NBC ♪

♪ special unity ♪

♪ for independent lead ♪

♪ did you know ♪

♪ that the thirty rock live show ♪

♪ comes from NYC ♪

♪ five four three two one ♪

♪ never all this fun in a show in america ♪

Liz, there's a rumor that's spreading

around here like wildfire.

But unlike the wildfires I've started,

this one doesn't sexually arouse me.

It's true, Hazel.

Tonight's gonna be our last live show.

But don't worry, it won't affect you.

- Unless my plan all along was to

run on Stage during a sketch and

get discovered by Hollywood!

- Liz, important me announcement,

Paul and I have decided to get married.

- Oh, wow.

- And I told Paul that he should

propose to me tonight on tg... - Absolutely not!

- You didn't let me finish,

s

- Come on, it's our last live show.

- Exactly!

And if Jenna Maroney is getting engaged,

it's gonna be on live TV.

I've been working on my reaction

since I was three.

It's happening, Liz.

- Ms. Lemon!

Mr. Jordan just discovered you can

get pornography on the Internet.

Oh my god!

He's gonna die in there.

What's going on?

- You called a meeting Lemon.

- Actually, I called it.

Gasp!

- Live television is sacred,

and we are not leaving this room

until the twelve of us have

agreed to defend her!

There is a great

American play that was first

written and performed for live television.

It's called, "twelve angry men."

- No.

We are not debating this like a jury.

Shut him down, Jack!

- "Twelve angry men" is preposterous, Kenneth.

Eleven descent Americans are swayed by

Jane Fonda's father?

Open the door.

No!

Look.

- How long do you think

you're gonna get away with this?

Hannah or Jay,

Hazel or Jenna

will know that we're missing.

- Have an amazing show tonight, everyone!

I love you all!

- Tonight's the night, Hazel

I do my surprise cameo.

It goes viral.

I take medicine for it.

Next stop, Hollywood

Florida, to get the car from my mom.

Next stop, California

pizza kitchen to tell my old

boss Nadine to suck it!

Next stop, tinsel town,

because Christmas decorations are

really cheap this time of year.

- Nothing brings our country together

like live television!

And studio 6h is a

part of that tradition.

Why, it was right here that

NBC broadcast the final episode of

the 1950s classic, "the lovebirds."

- It's the kraft product placement comedy hour,

sponsored by kraft singles.

Made with milk,

its the cheese that won world war ll.

Don't ask how.

And now, "the lovebirds,"

starring cubby gilmore and Loretta fields.

I'm home, baby!

And I could eat a horse!

- Don't you dare touch that

bacon 'till it's done, Larry.

Ahhhh oh boy!

- Oh brother,

now I'm cooking a Turkey too.

- That's rich.

One of these days, Doris

I'm gonna take a shotgun and

blam, blow your face off!

- It would still be better

than our honeymoon.

- What was wrong with Niagara Falls?

Your mother found it chilly.

- You're a real cut-up!

In fact, one of these days,

I'm gonna cut you up in pieces and

feed you to the neighbor's dogs!

It'd be the first time

you've taken me out for

dinner in years.

- Ah keep it up, Doris,

and bang, zoom,

I'm gonna drown you in the bathtub and

say a mental patient did it.

Like I always say,

"ah, ah"

- that's a funny thing to say.

This is real,

real heart attack!

- Here, eat the bacon!

It'll lubricate your heart!

- Ride it out!

Ride it to hell!

- Now come on now,

Larry, don't be a sissy.

God!

I'm having a heart attack too!

My marriage is a sham!

My make-up lady is my lover!

- Hello.

I'm Nazi doctor,

Heinrich Spaceman.

I mean doctor.

We can edit that out, right?

Oh, it's live.

Are you a modern housewife

who is in the family way?

Smoke chattertons cigarettes!

Your baby's lungs need

refreshing nicotine for

science reasons.

And his growing bones

need tar to hold them together.

Nine out of 10 doctors surveyed

said, "who is this?"

Why are you calling so late?"

But the 10th guy was into it

♪ Chattertons taste so cool and mild ♪

♪ a treat for you ♪

♪ and your unborn child ♪

Official cigarette of

the U.S. olympic team.

- Jenna!

Remember that package you

made me take to Singapore

last summer?

I just got out of changi prison.

- Oh, thank you,

just portion control and exercise.

Paul!

Did you pick up the ring?

- Liza minnelli's baby tooth

surrounded by rubies that passed through

a terrified Michael kors.

- It'll look amazing on camera.

- Look, I don't want to

propose on TV.

I want it to be private.

- What are you saying, Paul?

- Rick santorum is right.

Marriage is a sacred union

between a man and a woman,

which is why I'm asking you right now,

to make me the luckiest shman - wait

Look, I'm sorry to pull the

biological woman card here,

but according to roe v. Dewayne Wade,

I have a right to choose,

and I choose a televised proposal.

If you can't give me that,

I'm not sure what my

answer will be.

- Are you giving me an ultimatum?

Look, I am the man here, Jenna.

I may have a dress and a wig and a gynecologist, but

I am the man.

- Without live TV,

think of the amazing moments

we would've missed,

the moon landing,

uh the Beatles,

"the voice" results show,

that time Mr. Lutz was an extra,

and he got so nervous, he threw up!

No, don't remind him!

Oh, I had veal.

I had veal with cheese on it.

- And what about Joey Montero's

old variety show?

Why, he was just like you, Mr. Jordan,

because he did not want to rehearse,

and he wanted to get out of there

as soon as possible.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Joey Montero!

♪ Que fachia amo con questo ♪

♪ my love is nowhere in sight ♪

♪ que fachia amo con questo ♪

♪ high as the moon every night ♪

We got a great show for you tonight.

We got a great show.

Oh at least that's what the

Jews I pay told me.

I tell ya,

I feel great.

I slept like a baby last night.

I woke up crying with a

boob in my mouth.

Okay that was the joke stuff!

Oh all right, here comes a lady.

- Hi, Joey.

I'm dusty Springfield.

Sure, let's go with that!

♪ When I said I needed you ♪

- I need you too baby.

♪ You said ♪

♪ you would always stay ♪

- I can see inside your mouth.

♪ It was always me who changed but you ♪

- Are we on a boat?

♪ And now you've gone ♪

♪ away ♪

- That's plenty. Donkey stringbean, everybody.

♪ Don't have to say you love me ♪

♪ just be close at hand ♪

- Where's the gang going tonight fellas?

Jack Dempsey's steakhouse? ♪ Don't have to stay forever ♪

♪ I'll be there to stand ♪ - you're

♪ invited too dingy string bean. ♪

♪ Believe me ♪ - but bring cab fare...

♪ Believe me ♪ - for in the morning

if you know what I'm ea yin'.

♪ I can't help but love you ♪ - oh, I just burped up

clams casino,

which is weird cause

I didn't have any.

Well, hello there glasses.

- Glamour, excitement,

what we, today, would call alcoholism.

(Audience claps live television

had everything!

- Well, not everything.

Where were the black people?

- Actually, Mr. Spurlock,

NBC had the first two

black characters on TV, sort of.

For "Alfie and Abner,"

NBC hired one African-American

and one Caucasian,

because they thought two black

people on the same show

would make the audience nervous.

A rule NBC still uses today.

- Abner!

I'm home from work.

Where are you, my brother?

- Here I is, Alfie.

- Oh hell no!

I'm not doin' this.

- NBC received a lot of complaints

that the show wasn't on often enough.

So they forced Theodore Freeman to

honor his contract.

- I's done stole 'dis catfish!

- Sir, I'm asking you as a

human being to please stop

talking like that.

- I's gone eat it

until I'm belly full.

- This is debasing to the

both of us.

I was a tuskegee airman.

Zippity goo goo!

- You may anger me,

but I believe non-violence is

the path to change.

- I believe you can catch a

rainbow in yo hat!

- I'll kill you,

you ignorant...

Believe it or not,

- they did not stop

doing the show,

which made for tense,

but thrilling live TV.

- Banjo!

- Kenneth, I've frankly lost

track of what you were

trying to convince us of

with these detailed

descriptions of television shows.

Thank you!

- Come on, Kenneth, time's changed.

Television replaced radio;

- cars replaced horses. - Not where

I'm from!

Are you telling me the

mayor of your hometown is a car?

Pretty weird!

- Are you laughing at me?

Okay,

let's all take a little break.

- Hello.

I'm Nazi doctor Leo Spaceman.

I know it's live!

I want people to know.

Did you mother smoke

chattertons cigarettes while pregnant

during the 1950s or '60s?

If she did,

You probably can't hear me

because of fetal chatterton syndrome!

Turn up the volume!

Recent studies have shown that,

while pregnancy is disgusting,

babies do not need tar or nicotine.

If you're currently suffering

from chattertons syndrome,

please use your birdlike claws to

dial the number below.

Then, use the rectum you have,

instead of a mouth, to

say something like,

To signify that you wish to

join a class action suit

against chattertons.

♪ If you have scales instead of skin ♪

♪ pick up the phone ♪

♪ Sue chattertons ♪

- All right, this is idiotic.

We've got a show to do at...

Oh my god, Kenneth!

It's my period.

It's uh gonna blow!

- We both know you're

not due for another nine days.

I'm ashamed of you Ms. Lemon.

Oh think of your hero Rosemary Howard!

She wrote for the edgiest

live variety show of all time,

"the Gruber bother and nipsey."

- Hey nipsey,

what do you get when you

cross a chicken with a hippie?

- I don't know, dicky.

What do you get when

you cross a chicken with a hippie?

- I don't know, but

lbj likes 'em both fried!

- Lay it on me.

- Laying it on me.

Lay it on me.

- Lay it on me.

Now's you go, nipsey!

I'm the first streaker!

- Streaking's the new thing!

We touched penises.

We interrupt this

program to bring you an

NBC news special report.

From Rockefeller center,

Chet Huntley and David Brinkley.

- Good evening, NBC news has

learned that, less than an

hour ago, there was an

explosion aboard the

Apollo thirteen spacecraft.

David.

- Thank you Chet.

Chet.

Thank you, David.

We're awaiting further

information, David.

- Thank you, Chet.

Let's go to the

man's space center in Houston.

And our reporter on

the scene, Mr. Jamie garnett.

Jamie.

- Thank you Chet and David. - I'm sorry, sweetheart,

could you move out the way of

our camera?

We need to talk to our

new reporter, Jamie garnett.

Now, where is he?

- I'm Jamie garnett, gentlemen.

I spoke earlier with

NASA flight director, Glen Lenny.

- Uh listen doll,

you're not making any sense.

You're probably hysterical from menstruation.

Go lie down,

make sure and get plenty of iron,

maybe eat a ham salad.

- I'm being told that

commander James Lovell...

- honey, you have a dynamite

shape, but you're gonna

have to shut up,

and let man tell us what's happening.

Now, is your father or a

policeman nearby?

- Look, where did you find that

microphone, sugar-mouth?

Was it just lying there on the ground?

Where is Jamie garnett?

- This just in,

male NBC news reporter,

Jamie garnett is missing.

- I'm right here, you mother...

Classic, live television!

And while they never

found Jamie garnett,

that woman who stole his microphone

went on to become...

A wife.

- Has Paul not come back?

He's not answering his phone.

What have I done?

- Calm down.

Paul's gone,

but you're getting

proposed to on the show tonight

By me!

This is New York state, bitch!

Anyone can marry anything now,

- What?

- Oh come on,

it's everything you want,

think about what great TV this'll be.

It's what you want.

- No.

It's not what I want.

Paul is everything I want.

He's the reason to get married,

not TV.

Rick santorum was right.

How could I have been so blind?

- Cause you're a horrible person.

Thank you.

Just portion control and

lots of water.

- All in favor of keeping TGS live!

- It's still not unanimous,

and it never will be.

This is a business, Kenneth.

And if live TV went away,

the only thing that would change

would be NBC's profit margin.

- That's not true, jacky d.

- Come on,

it wasn't that dramatic.

- Live TV changed my life.

In 1986, my church dance crews

performed on a regional telethon.

It was my big break.

Flashback.

- This is for you, Jesus!

Oh my coccyx!

- It's not funny!

Coccyx is the scientific

term for your butt bone!

Why are you all laughing?

Oh, I like it!

Coccyx!

You know what this is?

It was a ghetto mating call.

Oh my god!

I remember that!

- That was you?

- That's when I realized

I was a ridiculous man!

- Tracey, I was there.

As a low-level ge employee,

I was answering phones at that telethon.

When you took off your clothes,

they cut to the phone Banks.

Gasp!

I made a hilarious

prank call to that telethon.

- Did the man who answered

the phone sound like he

had the piercing Blue

eyes of an ice dragon?

Yes!

Hello.

I'd like to speak to general electric.

Madam.

I'm afraid you're confused.

- I was a nurse in the war,

and I met him when

he was just a Colonel.

He's the father of my child!

- General electric is not a person.

- Toby, come talk to your father!

- Daddy, it's your son,

Toby electric.

- I can tell by your voice that

you were a very ungainly

teenage girl from

southeastern Pennsylvania.

- Ah ha!

You're burnt!

How ya like me now?

- Young lady,

no one, no one,

jokes down general electric.

And if I ever...

Do you mind?

If I ever

Get my thick, manly

hands on you,

I will roast you alive in

an oven I designed myself,

using two, no three kinds of heat.

I'm a Jack Donaghy, dammit.

Watching you get all

red-faced on TV,

that night I found my calling,

sticking it to the man!

- You know what?

That night changed my life too.

Don Geiss saw my loyalty

slash handsomeness,

and the day, he promoted me

out of poisons and into microwaves.

- Live TV made us all

what we are today.

- Oh no need to take another vote.

TGS is meant to be live.

To make it more profitable,

we just need to do more

sponsored product placement.

- You should do it with the

upcoming Warner brothers movie

"rock of ages," based on the

hit broad way musical,

rocking a theater near you June 15th.

Tom Cruise sings!

- Or I'll just pay you

more or less.

Kenneth, let us out of here!

- Paul didn't come.

I ruined everything.

- Yeah, you blew it.

So I'll just jump out at

some point and les it up with you!

- Okay.

Okay, we're live in

five, four, three, two.

And now,

prince William and prince

Time-traveling fart detectives.

- Ha!

Take that my man!

- Prince, do you smell

something fishy?

- Wait.

Who's that dude?

♪ Zooby zooby zooo ♪

♪ Zooby zooby zoo ♪

♪ zooby zoo ♪

♪ zooby zoo ♪

Jenna Maroney,

you're the woman I

wanna grow old with.

Old being an acronym for

oxylaprodexatrin.

A hallucenogenic plant extract

that makes sex terrifying.

I wanna spend the rest of

my life making you happy.

And that's why I'm asking you,

on TV, to marry me.

- Oh Paul.

No, no, a million times no.

Not like this.

I don't wanna get married for publicity.

I wanna get married for you,

and so that you don't

testify against me in court.

- I still don't know what's

going on.

- Classic live TV?

- I slipped.

I slipped and hit my head

in the bathroom.

Who am I?

- You're my boyfriend.

We were just gonna call

some people I went to high school with.

Thanks to Lorne Michaels,

Paul McCartney,

John Hamm, Jimmy Fallon,

Amy poehler,

Fred armisen, Chris Parnell,

will forte, Donald Glover,

Kristen Shaw, Cheyenne Jackson,

Beth McCartney Miller,

SNL crew, I love you!

Thirty rock crew, I love you.

This happened again!

And that happened!

Watch "parks and rec" tonight,

directed by Amy poehler.