All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S06E16.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

- I finished my
Kabletown self-evaluation.

Nailed it.

- "My greatest
weakness is humility.

I'm probably the most humble
person in the whole world."

- I wrote that.

- These self-evaluations
are a charade.

People cannot be
impartial about themselves.

You should read what some
of your coworkers wrote.

- What three words
best describe me?

The. Complete. Package.

- My greatest
weakness... Is chocolate.

- Surprisingly the only person
who was honest was Jenna.

"Strengths: None.

"I am the worst person I know.

"When I used to live with Liz,
I would videotape her sleeping

and sell it to Japanese
businessmen"?

No wonder that tour group kept
calling me "sleep whore-San."

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't read that.

I filled it out last night

after mixing alcohol with
prescription... Exhaustion.

I need to redo it.

- I can't believe I have
to read all of these.

This is the biggest
waste of time

since NBC's diversity
writing program.

That was a good idea, but
all of our actors are so white.

- Slap it to me, daddy-o.

- Po-po popped dookie
down by the vacants.

♪ ♪

- This is Jenna. What
are you wearing?

Jenna, love,

it's English director
Christopher Nolan.

- Mr. Nolan, I saw
you across the room

at the dark Knight premiere.

I was shooting blow
darts at Maggie Gyllenhal

from a heating vent.

- Yes. How would you like

to be in my next movie?

- I quit this show!

To hell with you all!

Go to hell!

- I just need you to do a quick

camera test for me.

- I do not understand
Christopher Nolan's methods.

He's directing a
live-action smurfs sequel,

so I went to Times Square,
did cartwheels like he asked...

- oh, boy.

- We got the
whole thing on tape.

- This was a prank?

This isn't body paint.

It's a spray they use
to kill geese at airports.

- What happened, J-Mo?

Did you pass out in a
goose costume at LaGuardia?

- Ugh, what is
that smell, Tracy?

- It's the new
fragrance I designed.

It's called "desire,"

but with a "z" instead
of the second "e."

- What is that
supposed to smell like?

- All my favorite things.

The Knicks, a mop from a
strip club, a carefree hobo,

a crate with a new
giraffe in it, and broccoli.

- It smells disgusting.

- Yeah, I wouldn't know.

I lost my sense
of smell years ago.

But when one sense goes
away, the others make up for it.

I have an incredible
sense of touch.

I feel an old Jack-o-lantern
from last Halloween.

- Are you serious?

You can't smell?

Why haven't you
been to a doctor?

- Who has the time,

with work, family and
hobbies and listing excuses?

Oh, my.

It smells like grandma's
house at Christmas.

That's when we found
her dead on the toilet.

- Pete, I spent the
morning going over

these Kabletown
self-evaluations.

Your evaluation gave me pause.

- Are you sure?

Those look like hands to me.

- Here's the problem.

In answer to the question,

"where do you see
yourself in five years?"

You wrote, "right where I am."

That's an unacceptable answer.

I mean, what if the
Wright brothers had said,

"let's just keep
making bicycles,"

or Alexander
Windowblinds had said,

"no, I don't want to
partially see outside"?

- Yeah... no, I get
what you're saying,

but I'm Pete Hornberger.

The last time I tried
to put myself out there,

the girl turned out to be a cop.

- Do you understand how
this attitude reflects on me?

I am also required to complete

one of these inane
self-evaluations.

It's a farce.

- What? Like Frasier?

But that's fun...

- but I can't say I'm
succeeding as a Manager

if you're failing
as an employee.

You have no ambition, Pete.

- No, no, you don't understand.

For me, that five years
thing is very ambitious.

Look at my life, Jack.

My father was a congressman.

I was valedictorian
at St. Andrew's,

an olympic Archer, fourth
guitarist in Loverboy...

As a teenager.

It's almost unbelievable.

- If it weren't all true,

I'd say it doesn't
even make sense.

- But now look at me.

The last two decades
have been a freefall.

If I could stay in the same
place for the next five years,

that would be a
huge accomplishment.

- Do you know who
you remind me of?

George W. Bush during his

"let's do coke and buy
the Texas rangers" phase.

But he made a decision to
be the best president ever

and then he was.

You've lost your mojo, Pete.

And I'm going to
get it back for you.

- Well, something is definitely
obstructing your sinus cavity.

Now we have two options.

I can either drill a hole
in the back of your head

and push it out
with your brain...

- Okay, that sounds good.

- Or I could just pull it
out through your nostril.

- We'll do the second
one. Thank you.

- You know, they don't tell
you this until after you've paid

for medical school,
but being a doctor

is exactly like the
game "operation."

And there we go.

- My buck Rogers decoder ring!

- How long has
that been in there?

Those things are from the '70s.

- Yeah, you know what
else is from the '70s?

Women staying quiet.

- I totally remember this.

When I was nine, I found it
on the floor of the "g" train.

I knew if my foster mom saw
it, she would make me sell it

at a pawn shop to get
our family a cheerio.

- Okay, sometimes
I think the stories

of your childhood poverty
are exaggerated, but continue.

- So I hid the ring up my nose.

I must have forgot about it.

- You may feel some
burning and tingling,

but you should regain normal
sensation in just a few hours.

Oh, I'm sorry, I was talking
to my lover on my Bluetooth.

Uh, one moment, Suki.

Anyway, Tracy, you should start

regaining sensation
in less than an hour.

But a newly regained sense
can be a very powerful thing.

Even overwhelming.

So if you do have
an extreme reaction,

please try to get it on video
for my nephew's funny website.

Uh, Liz, are you getting
enough vitamin "c"?

- May I suggest messily eating
an orange while I photograph it?

- Kenneth, what do you
know about revenge?

- Well, the Bible
says it's wrong,

but it's the surprise hit
of the season on ABC,

so I don't know.

Anyway, I know how busy you are,

so I got you some
more tattoo concealer.

- Thank you.

I just ran out.

I was so young when I got this.

Who even remembers 2007?

Wait, how did you know
I was out of concealer?

- From your trash, Ms. Maroney.

The garbage man knows all.

In this big trash bag, I
see everyone's mistakes,

their embarrassing secrets,

their dreams they don't
dare share with anyone.

Oh!

Like this.

- Interesting.

Kenneth, you don't
happen to have

the other writers'
trash in there, do you?

- No.

I can't handle that much volume.

I'm kidding.

They call me "the natural."

I'm so good, the other janitors

just sit in the basement all day

getting drunk and laughing
about this idiot they know.

- Oh, no.

Kenneth, this concealer
is the wrong color.

- Oh, no.

I'll be right back.

Keep an eye on my trash cart?

- Oh, I'll keep an eye on it.

Look at us, laughing together,

like a couple of Jews
watching the daily show.

- This is the gym of the
New York racquet club, Pete.

Theodore Roosevelt
was a member here.

In fact, many of
the animal heads

mounted downstairs
were shot by T.R.

- Including the one that looked
like a terrified Asian man?

- It was a different time, Pete.

Today, the most
powerful men in New York

still come here to exercise.

And nothing is a better workout
for body and soul than boxing.

It's the first sport
man ever invented.

Except of course,
uh, hide and seek.

- Shh.

- Uh, yeah.

Boxing is primal, Pete.

It's exactly what you need.

So come on, don't
just stand there.

Throw a punch, feel like a man.

A man who, years ago,
was on top of the world,

who saw Paula and
dragged her back to his cave.

- Actually she took
me that first night.

- Hit something.

Put your frustration
into your fists

and hit something!

- Hornberger!

- Get up, Pete.

Get up and fight.

For god's sake, Hornberger,
the dummy is winning!

Why are you kissing it?

- I'm submitting
to its strength.

It's the Alpha.

Good morning, fresh coffee.

Good morning, clean floor.

Funny, Kenneth.

You don't have any smell at all.

- Don't worry about it.

- ♪ Perfume and roses
and strong halitosis ♪

♪ powders and flowers
and spicy clam chowders ♪

♪ I can smell, I can
smell, I can smell ♪

♪ I can smell ♪

♪ I can... ♪

Daddy?

- Yes.

- Nice save.
- Oh, no.

- Vengeance announcement.

Look what I found in the trash.

An email confirmation in
Frank's name for one ticket

to see Taylor swift
at Nassau coliseum.

- She writes the songs herself.

When she can't cry
anymore, she writes!

- What are you
laughing at, Toofer?

You're the man who took
professional boudoir photographs

and then tried to mail them
to parade magazine columnist

Marilyn vos Savant.

- I happen to think
that smart is sexy.

Our foreplay would
be puzzle-solving.

- Uh-oh, Lutz's turn.

What is this gonna be?

- Oh, no. I don't
have anything for you.

You don't matter.

But if you two dirtbags

ever mess with me again,

I'll take this to
the next level.

You don't do 22 episodes
of "celebrity outhouse"

with Lorena Bobbitt
without learning a few things.

- You're at rehearsal before me?

- Of course I am, Liz-dad.

I'm your good boy.

I memorized all
my lines, so can I go

get dressed for the
photo shoot now,

so you don't have
to wait for me?

- Sure, little buddy.

- You know, smell is the sense

most closely
associated with memory.

- I know, Dotcom, that's why
whenever I smell that jacket,

I remember being bored.

- The only person
you're insulting

with that attitude is yourself.

- Obviously something
about the way I smell

reminds Tracy of his dad.

- Well, his father did
work for a soup factory

and you are constantly eating.

- It's not a food thing, Grizz.

I think it's my hair pomade.

- Midnight symphony?

My grandfather used that.

- Midnight symphony.

You are the conductor of your
own proud African orchestra.

Midnight symphony.

- You use midnight symphony?
- It works, Dotcom.

It was discontinued a few years
ago, but I bought seven cases

of it on eBay from a
guy named Reggie.

- You're still here.

You didn't go to
the store for milk

and heroin and then
never come back.

- That was his excuse?

- You stayed
because you love me.

Right, daddy-Liz?

- I do love you... Champ.

But I could love you more.
- Well, you just wait.

Watch this.

- Be careful, Liz.

Be very careful.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, Dotcom.

- Pete.

Confidence is a spectrum.

On one end, the
ultra-confident end,

you have people like Jack
Donaghy, Vladimir putin,

Orville Redenbacher.

Corn is not the only
thing he popped,

if you know what I mean.

Then...

You have the other
end of the spectrum.

- Yeah, I get it.

Men with no confidence.

- No, men who have
nothing left to lose.

Great men like Richard Nixon,
the 1980 olympic hockey team,

my good friend John Rambo.

This is you.

And I shouldn't have
been trying to get you

all the way to the tiger,

because all you
needed was a little push

to get you to
nothing left to lose.

This is how you get
your mojo back, Pete.

- No, I am there, Jack.

My job is killing me,
my family resents me,

the other day I was mugged
by what I'm pretty sure

was two five-year-olds
in a trench coat.

I already have
nothing left to lose.

- No, you have one more thing.

No. Not the ring.

- You're clinging to
something that's gone, Pete,

and it's not coming back.

Allow yourself to be reborn.

Your life is tied to
the fate of the ring.

It must be destroyed.

- Are you quoting
lord of the rings?

- No, I'm quoting myself
talking to Bruce Willis.

- Well, well, well.

If it isn't tweedle-Dee
and tweedle-black.

- We need to talk
about what you did.

- Well, you know
what they say, boys.

If you can't stand the heat,

get off of Mickey
Rourke's sex grill.

- No, this isn't
about us. It's Lutz.

- I didn't do anything to Lutz.
- That's the problem.

He has a thing about
being left out of stuff.

- The man has
self-esteem issues.

I don't know why.

- Well, he is
estranged from his son

Kellan Lutz from twilight.

- I'm sorry, are you asking
me to apologize to him?

- Look, yeah, we
mess with people,

but there's a line
we don't cross.

For example, after you
went through our trash,

we went through yours.

And we found this.

- My self-evaluation!

I want to be famous
to make people love me

because I hate myself.

The Jenna I talk to
at night in the mirror

thinks I should kill myself.

Also, I caused that
Italian cruise ship to crash.

- We could do a lot
of damage with this.

But we're not going to.

- Whatever.

- Hey.

How's my boy?

Working hard?

- So hard, papa Lemon.

You're not gonna wanna run
away and start a new family in Ohio

and have a daughter
you also name Tracy.

- Not if you're good.

- I've been thinking of some
new characters for the show.

This is my Jimmy
Fallon impression.

Awesome, awesome,
I love it! It's my favorite!

- Wow, Tracy, that's great.

Tracy, what's all this stuff?

- Just some stuff I needed
from home, like my bed.

It's a California
Kong, which is two

California kings tied
together with gorilla leather.

- Wait, you're living here?
- I have to.

Turns out Angie's
cooking smells very ethnic,

and I definitely can't
be around my family.

I didn't expect this, but
teenage boys don't smell good.

- Wait, you can't
be around your kids?

What about baby Virginia?

- Do you know what she
does in her underwear?

Something I once
did at the oscars

that caused Daryl
Hannah to throw up on me.

- Tracy, you can't just
abandon your family.

- I've got all the family
I need right here, L.L.

Now back to work.

"Open on: Philadelphia, 1776.

John Adams and
mitt Romney enter."

Commentary!

- So stupid, Lutz.

Disgusting.

Why don't you learn your
lesson and stop trying?

That girl at Starbucks
smiles at everybody, Lutz.

Everybody!

She doesn't want
you to kiss her.

No wonder people don't
include you in things.

No wonder Kellan never
wants to see you again.

You're worthless.

- Kenneth, be honest.

Am I the worst person you know?

- Ms. Maroney, judging
is for god and his angels.

So, yes, you are.

- Where's the writers' trash?

- Oh, I've already taken it down

to the sub-basement
compacter room.

The writers had me clean
out their refrigerator today,

so the trash smelled like, to
use a technical janitorial term,

total ass.

- Kellan, why?

- Okay, I know
the answer to this,

but I just need to hear it.

If I have to choose
between work productivity

and what's best for
one of my employees,

I choose work, right?

Great. Thank you.

Something about my shoes.

Good meeting.
- Uh, which employee?

- Gah, what does it matter?

It's Tracy and he has
never been more productive.

But he abandoned his family

and his baby daughter to do it.

- Lemon, I invented
business mumbling.

You white garbage bag

full of pudding.
- What?

- Look, when you're
a supervisor, your job

is to squeeze everything
you can out of your employees,

but there's a line
and you've crossed it.

- Since when do you
care about any line

other than the bottom line?

Sorkinesque repartee.

- Because I'm doing it too.

I'm taking advantage of Pete

like you're taking
advantage of Tracy.

I said I'd fill out
my self-evaluation

after I'd fixed Pete.

A task I knew deep down

could never be accomplished.
- Yeah, he's a mess.

- But Pete's just an excuse.

The fact is I
can't fill this out

because there's a question
I don't know how to answer.

"Where do you see
yourself in five years?"

For the first time in
my career, I don't know.

I could wind up anywhere.

Running this company,
making couches,

serving as mayor of New York.

Or I could be 6 feet under...

In the subterranean paradise
we built to escape the poor.

- Yeah, I get it.

As a writer, that
uncertainty is the fate

that always I am to face being.

- Well, I'm not used to it.

But that's not Pete's
problem, it's mine.

You go talk to Tracy

and I have to stop Pete
from shaving his head.

- Oh, god.

- So, Lutz.

You thought I left you
off the hook the other day?

Well, you wish.

I spent the whole night
going through the garbage

trying to find the perfect
thing to humiliate you.

- Yeah, we know.

We took photos of you

and sold them to a
garbage fetish website.

- This was all a prank?

- I knew the mirror
thing would get her.

- Ooh, I'm so sad.

I never talk to my son, Kellan.

It's all made up, Jenna.

Kellan Lutz isn't my son.

He's my grandnephew
and we're very close.

- Unbelievable.

I was actually doing
something nice for Lutz and...

Oh, my god.

I was doing something nice.

You took advantage
of my niceness.

- Why are you smiling?

You spent the
night in our garbage.

We win!

- No, I win.

On my self-evaluation, I said
I'm the worst person I know.

But it's not true!

Thanks to you guys,
I'm the fourth worst.

♪ Jenna's amazing
like a star in the sky ♪

♪ Jenna's amazing
like a star in the sky ♪

- Pete, I apologize.

I never should have told
you how to live your life

like some sort of
American Barack Obama.

Commentary.

The truth of the matter is

this whole thing
wasn't even about you.

It was about me.

- Really? 'Cause it seems
like it was about me, Jack.

Do you know what
was under my hair?

A birthmark.

- Good god.

It looks like a swastika
made out of penises.

- I know what it looks like!

Since you've been "helping"
me, my life has gotten worse.

I broke my nose, a gay rabbi
chased me through midtown,

and last night, Paula wouldn't
touch me looking like this.

Do you know what it's
like to try to have sex

wearing a child's little
orphan Annie wig?

- No.
- You know what?

You've done enough.

Get the hell out of my office.

- Congratulations, I knew
I'd make a man out of you.

- Get out!

- There's the confidence.

- Please, just leave.

- Pete, you're welcome.

- You wanted to see me, smell?

- Sit down, champ.

- Oh, why are you so heavy?

- 'Cause so much of me has died.

- Okay.

Tracy, I'm so proud of you.

You have grown into
such a wonderful person

for these last 24 hours.

But when you're a father
or even a father smell,

sometimes you have
to make sacrifices

to do what's right
for your family.

- I just wanna make you
proud of me, L.L.-dad-Liz-dad.

- I know.

But there's only one thing you
need to do to make me proud.

- Pop dookie down
by the vacants?

- Boy, if I had a dollar for
every time I've been asked

to reverse one of my procedures,

my bitch ex-wife
would be a millionaire.

May she rest in peace.

All right.
- Wait, Dr. Spaceman.

There's so much I
haven't smelled yet.

A magnolia tree in spring,

the towels at a miss
Hawaiian tropic contest,

the sweat of a terrified Webster

as you load him into a Cannon.

- Tracy, you have to do this.

- Now, full disclosure,

I lost your ring at
a BoDeans concert,

so I'm gonna shove this

hilarious
pencil-topper up there.

Get a haircut, or I'm gonna
shove you up a black guy's nose.

Very well.

You leave me no choice then.

- Good-bye, helpful Tracy.

- Good-bye... daddy-head.

- Good-bye only
evidence tying me

to my ex-wife's disappearance.

Ahh!

- Five years from now?

Well, I'd like to still
be working for NBC,

or whatever NBC
is in five years.

A t-shirt company probably?

- My greatest strength
is that I'm a good listener.

Watch.

- In five years, I
hope I don't have to do

this hat thing anymore.

- In five years, I'll
probably be dead

and no one will
even notice, and yes,

this is my second attempt
at writing my self-evaluation!