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1
00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:05,506
- Why did I just receive
these viewer essays
2
00:00:05,797 --> 00:00:08,258
on the subject "why I love TGS?"
3
00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:09,259
Please tell me it's not...
4
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:11,887
- the annual TGS
viewer walk-on contest.
5
00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:13,972
It's great promotion, Lemon.
6
00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:15,984
We found that if someone
is actually on NBC,
7
00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:17,935
they're 4% more
likely to watch it.
8
00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:18,852
- Really? We're
doing this again?
9
00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:20,979
After what happened last year?
10
00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:22,648
- Gassy patsy, you can't eat...
11
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,584
Keep the white house white.
12
00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,911
- You know who enters
these walk-on contests?
13
00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:29,153
Weirdos.
14
00:00:29,321 --> 00:00:31,257
- Read the essays, Lemon.
It's not going to kill you.
15
00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:33,367
- Oh, really? 'Cause this
one is typed on the inside
16
00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:34,743
of a bloody halter top.
17
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,035
- Just pick one.
18
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:37,347
And while you're at it,
which one of these ties
19
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,455
do you prefer?
20
00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:40,099
- I thought you said a man
should never wear pastel
21
00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,625
unless he's a
black guy on easter.
22
00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:43,557
- Usually, but I'm going
on The Today Show
23
00:00:43,627 --> 00:00:44,962
to talk about Avery,
24
00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,339
and I need to tone
down my natural aura
25
00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:48,924
of strength and
sexual dominance.
26
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:50,336
Which wasn't going to happen
27
00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:52,427
with the tie I was
going to wear.
28
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:53,971
Oh, my.
29
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,015
So, uh, what is the
news with Avery?
30
00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:59,107
- Uh, there isn't any,
and that's the problem.
31
00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:00,909
The U.N. is useless,
the state department
32
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,521
is full of democrats,
33
00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:04,648
and as it turns out,
amnesty international
34
00:01:04,940 --> 00:01:07,734
is nothing but a company
that makes and sells candles.
35
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,237
- That explains all the
vigils. That is a good scam.
36
00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:12,698
- It's been a year, and
the media have moved on.
37
00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:14,950
- Media is a plural
noun. Put this tie on.
38
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:16,636
- I have to find a way
to get Avery's story
39
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:17,660
back on the front page.
40
00:01:17,869 --> 00:01:20,789
Fortunately, I run a
network with a news division,
41
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,142
and I will do whatever it
takes to keep Avery's plight
42
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:24,166
in the public eye.
43
00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:26,253
Even...
44
00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:29,881
Go and see Matt Lauer's
band. It's blues rock, Lemon.
45
00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:31,173
It's called...
46
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:33,552
Rhythm and news.
47
00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:38,139
- Lemon, no.
48
00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:49,318
♪ ♪
49
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,580
- Sir, I've been thinking.
50
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:04,708
I know I'm a big shot
now with my suits
51
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,335
and a desk lamp that I control,
52
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:07,836
but I just want you to know
53
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:11,423
I will always be
a page at heart.
54
00:02:11,715 --> 00:02:15,135
Even if I did just receive a
fancy award at my new job.
55
00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:17,095
On behalf of the mother
56
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:18,387
Standards department,
57
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:19,848
I, Gaylord Felcher, present you
58
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,225
with the "employee
of the week" award.
59
00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:24,757
Let's give it up for this
60
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,438
Bag of.
61
00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:29,316
- So what can I get for you?
62
00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:30,984
- And Hazel's on it, Tracy.
63
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,653
Kenneth, can I speak with you?
64
00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:35,322
- Can you? You just did.
65
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,201
- What's your problem?
66
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:40,952
- Oh, my, well...
67
00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:42,829
My parents were
technically brothers...
68
00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:44,557
- look, I'm trying
to do my job here.
69
00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:47,376
Tracy's my responsibility
now. I take care of him.
70
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,629
- Oh, well, I'm sorry,
Ms. Wassername,
71
00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:53,799
but I'll always be
there for Mr. Jordan.
72
00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:56,176
He has a special
place in my heart.
73
00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:59,763
Just like Nana
Parcell, my heartworm.
74
00:03:00,055 --> 00:03:01,932
- Ugh!
75
00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:04,309
- Hey, Jack. What are
you still doing here?
76
00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:06,103
Your segment was bumped.
- What?
77
00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:09,022
Why? You guys doing
another hard-hitting expose
78
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:11,274
on how to plan a staycation
with your cyber bully?
79
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:12,734
- No, it's real news for once.
80
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,386
There was a mine
collapse in China.
81
00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:16,154
Turns out, to keep
labor costs down,
82
00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:17,989
all the miners there are babies.
83
00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:21,368
They pay 'em in yogurt.
84
00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:22,661
- God.
85
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:25,831
Remember when we used to be
the world leader in baby cuteness?
86
00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:26,832
I can't compete with that.
87
00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:29,668
- Also, adult dogs can't
fit in the baby mines,
88
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,379
so they're lowering down
puppies to bring in supplies.
89
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,799
- Hey, thanks for coming
to see my band last night.
90
00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:40,554
- Yes, I didn't expect
you to play for four hours.
91
00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,060
- Hey, dummies, I need
you guys to write a sketch
92
00:03:45,183 --> 00:03:48,019
with a non-speaking part for
whoever wins this dumb contest.
93
00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:50,230
And do not write another
sketch about Krang
94
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:51,842
from teenage
mutant ninja turtles.
95
00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,316
No one knows who Krang is.
96
00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:56,361
It would be a waste of time to
talk about Krang on television.
97
00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:59,906
No more Krang!
98
00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:05,871
- Liz?
- Krang!
99
00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:07,163
What the hell, Hazel?
100
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,916
- Can I ask your advice,
woman to woman?
101
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:10,917
- Are you sure?
102
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:11,793
'Cause I took one of those
103
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,670
"which gossip girl
are you?" Quizzes,
104
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,314
and it said I was
the dad's guitar.
105
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:17,174
- Please. You are so amazing.
106
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:19,050
This place is such a boys' club,
107
00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:23,138
but you boss them around
like an Amazon warrior queen.
108
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:24,890
And look at your body.
109
00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:26,933
Your rack is like, "pow!"
110
00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:29,686
- Hazel, what is the question?
- It's Kenneth.
111
00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:31,021
He's not a page anymore,
112
00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:33,231
but he keeps trying
to do my job for me.
113
00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:34,883
And when I
confronted him about it,
114
00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:36,860
he was so condescending.
115
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:40,071
He laughed at me, and then
he undressed me with his eyes.
116
00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:42,073
And then he had his way with me.
117
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:43,742
With his eyes.
118
00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:45,744
- Ugh. The male gaze.
- Yeah.
119
00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:47,704
They're all a bunch of gays.
120
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:51,082
- No, Kenneth is sweet,
but he's still a man.
121
00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:53,126
And in our society,
men get praised
122
00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:55,253
for just taking
whatever they want.
123
00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:57,826
But what do people call women
who are tough and ambitious?
124
00:04:57,964 --> 00:04:59,549
- Leslie or Courtney?
125
00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:02,219
- What? No. A bitch.
126
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,155
Well, you may be at the
bottom of the totem pole now,
127
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:05,764
but you're in the game.
128
00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:08,376
So play it like a man and
don't let anyone try to stop you.
129
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:14,105
Just like the karate kid...
Hilary swank, karate kid iv.
130
00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:16,149
- I want you to be my mentor.
131
00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:19,903
- Julie-San, fighting not good.
132
00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:22,948
But if must fight, win.
133
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,908
Kesuke Miyagi, karate kid iv.
134
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,285
I accept!
135
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:29,830
- You listen to me, blitzer.
136
00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:31,961
Either CNN gets back
on the Avery Jessup story,
137
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:35,961
or I'll tell everyone your real
name, Steel Hammerhands.
138
00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:37,879
Hello?
139
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:41,383
Steel? Mr. Hammerhands?
140
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,051
- Jack.
141
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,928
I have an important
actor request.
142
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,739
- This is not really
a good time, Jenna.
143
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:48,658
- I want you to hire a giant
to stand in the background
144
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,522
of every scene I'm in to
make me look daintier.
145
00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:51,810
It works.
146
00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:54,262
It's why Lamar odom married
that giant Kardashian girl.
147
00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:55,856
- I run a TV network,
148
00:05:56,147 --> 00:05:58,859
and I still can't get my
wife's story on the air.
149
00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:03,780
The world may have forgotten
about Avery, but I haven't.
150
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:06,157
Sometimes at night,
I sit here in the dark,
151
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,869
drinking scotch,
staring at that doorway,
152
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:09,870
hoping against hope
153
00:06:10,161 --> 00:06:12,831
that she'll walk as if
nothing ever happened.
154
00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:14,624
"I'm home, Jack.
155
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,377
And I brought back a bunch
of oriental sex powders."
156
00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:20,463
- I know how you can get
Avery back on television.
157
00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:22,674
Her story has everything!
158
00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:24,092
Blondeness, kidnapping,
159
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,052
a villain with an accent.
160
00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:29,097
It's the perfect TV
movie. I should know.
161
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,350
I played Italian party whore
in the Amanda Knox story.
162
00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:35,228
- A TV movie... Jenna, I don't
want to trivialize this ordeal.
163
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:36,664
- But those movies get results.
164
00:06:36,688 --> 00:06:38,168
Every kidnapped
woman I've ever played
165
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,231
has been released.
166
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,776
- Well, it would allow
me to control the story.
167
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:42,777
- Well, you better hurry, Jack.
168
00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:44,469
Oxygen is already
working on a movie
169
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:45,697
about the baby miners.
170
00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:47,091
- Then we'll have
to slow them down.
171
00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:48,658
Gabriel...
172
00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:52,537
Send a bunch of pies
to the oxygen network.
173
00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:58,209
- Excuse me, Ms. Wassername.
174
00:06:58,501 --> 00:06:59,501
What's that?
175
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:01,151
- Not that it's any
of your business,
176
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:04,299
but Tracy's jaw is tired from
pretending to be pac-man.
177
00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:07,886
So I'm making it
easier for him to eat.
178
00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:09,178
- No! No!
179
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,348
He can't eat that junk.
180
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,434
He just got his cholesterol
down to triple digits.
181
00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:17,395
- Get off my ass,
Parcell. I'm doing my job.
182
00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:20,690
You think you can push me around
just because you have a penis?
183
00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:22,651
- I definitely have a penis.
184
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,295
- You think I'm
some delicate little girl
185
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:25,403
who'll do whatever you say?
186
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,197
Well, I'm not delicate.
187
00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:30,367
I've been in tons of car wrecks.
188
00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:31,701
- Hazel, I just peed this.
189
00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:32,702
Could you take
care of it for me?
190
00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,120
- Sir!
191
00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:36,915
I am resuming
responsibility for your care.
192
00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,833
You are in dire need
193
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:41,252
of a getting-your-act-together
montage.
194
00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:44,714
♪ Down so low, don't
know what up is ♪
195
00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:46,424
♪ when... ♪
- I'm sorry, Tracy.
196
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:50,095
You wanna be bossed
around by this trailer park Hitler?
197
00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:53,306
Or do you wanna do whatever
you want with a sexy, fun bitch
198
00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,976
who just bought you a pinata?
199
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:57,769
- Awesome!
200
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,820
- Ms. Lemon, do
you have a moment
201
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:08,872
or are you busy
regretting your life choices,
202
00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:11,324
for example, missing your
window for having children?
203
00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:13,910
- Get to the point, Kenneth.
- It's Hazel.
204
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:17,080
I'm trying to help her,
but she's gone crazy.
205
00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:18,724
- Uh-huh. You
can't handle the fact
206
00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:20,108
that a woman is
doing your old job.
207
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,835
What a world.
208
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:23,771
I bet even Hillary Clinton
has to put up with this crap
209
00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:26,089
from whoever was
secretary of state before her.
210
00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:27,400
- You mean condoleezza...
- Shut up.
211
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,968
Look, I believe in Hazel. I
happen to be her mentor.
212
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,386
So to quote Mr. Miyagi,
213
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:36,683
"leave girl alone or you deal
with me, surf shop owner."
214
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,269
- Hey, sweetie.
How was your day?
215
00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:41,604
- Not even half over, Hazel.
216
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:44,190
Ugh! I still have to
read all these essays.
217
00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:46,443
Okay.
- Look at you.
218
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:49,404
You're a whirlwind... In
charge in the board room...
219
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,823
And the bedroom.
- Sure.
220
00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:53,575
- You're a modern,
DTF type woman
221
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,243
whose whole vibe says,
222
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,747
"yeah! I dig sex and I'm
not gonna apologize for it."
223
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,875
- Okay, here's a
little bedroom tip.
224
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:05,420
Put a bag of popcorn in
the microwave beforehand.
225
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:07,472
That way, when you're
done, you have a treat.
226
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,592
- I wish I had your
emotional intelligence.
227
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:14,637
My boyfriend Razmig and I
have hit a little rough patch.
228
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:17,474
- Okay. Lay it on me.
229
00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:21,352
- Well, I went home this
afternoon to get some,
230
00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:25,482
and I found Razmig banging
the fattest chick I've ever seen.
231
00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:28,276
And you know, I used
to weigh 800 pounds.
232
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:29,568
- Stop right there.
233
00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:31,547
You didn't hit a rough
patch. He cheated on you.
234
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:32,757
You have to dump
him immediately.
235
00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:35,158
- What? How can you say that?
236
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:36,159
- Hazel, I'm trying to help you.
237
00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:38,536
- By asking me to break
up with the man I love?
238
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:41,539
Helping me would be teaching
me how to spice things up.
239
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,458
Like by greeting
him at the front door
240
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,794
wearing nothing but false teeth.
241
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:49,214
I'm very disappointed
in your mentorship, Liz.
242
00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:50,586
If this were two years ago,
243
00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:53,468
I would sit on
you till you died.
244
00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,473
- No wigs.
245
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,392
I said no wigs.
246
00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:03,103
You're not a lead, Gabe.
247
00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:05,438
At best, you're a featured
extra with no lines.
248
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:09,984
Do you understand?
- Hey, Gabe.
249
00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:12,557
- Lemon, would you be
interested in writing the screenplay
250
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,489
for the greatest
love story ever told?
251
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:18,076
- You mean Lois Lane's
love affair with journalism?
252
00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,577
I said it.
- Avery and me.
253
00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:21,149
I'm producing a television movie
254
00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:22,956
to get her back
in the headlines.
255
00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:25,248
For obvious reasons, I'm
fast-tracking the project.
256
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,168
The script is due on Monday.
- Monday?
257
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,605
Hmm. I guess I won't be able
to go to the gym this weekend.
258
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:30,709
- I know it's short notice,
259
00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:32,507
but I would consider
it a personal favor
260
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,519
after six years of
listening to you complain
261
00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,511
about how there are so
few women on death row.
262
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:39,222
- Is a coincidence, or
is the system sexist?
263
00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,641
Oh! Speaking of our
amazing dynamic,
264
00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:43,613
I have taken on a
mentee of my own, Jack...
265
00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:44,852
A page named Hazel.
266
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,271
- You're a mentor?
267
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,148
But that makes
me a grand-mentor.
268
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:50,316
And I'm still so young.
- Don't worry.
269
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:51,608
I already messed it up.
270
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:54,070
I told her to break up
with her awful boyfriend
271
00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:55,697
and she got really mad at me.
272
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,508
- Often, the best way
for a mentee to learn
273
00:10:57,532 --> 00:10:58,700
is for you to let her fail.
274
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,511
- Wait, does that mean
you've done that to me?
275
00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:01,911
When?
- Um...
276
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:03,472
- I think the
crowd at the Apollo
277
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,640
might welcome a change of pace.
278
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,583
- You're right.
You should do it.
279
00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:09,002
Sometimes, they have
to learn the hard way.
280
00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:10,646
If Hazel rejects
your advice, let her.
281
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,088
She'll get there on her own
282
00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:13,774
just like you did after
the crowd at the Apollo
283
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,216
chased you into the river.
284
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,469
- Okay, I understand the
irony of what I'm about to say,
285
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:21,181
but I reject that advice.
286
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:23,742
Don't worry, I'll bring you
back a t-shirt from successtown.
287
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:28,271
Ow! My groin!
288
00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:30,481
- Mr. Jordan!
- K-dog.
289
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:33,484
You were wrong. They
do still make crossbows.
290
00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:35,862
- You let him buy a crossbow?
291
00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:37,238
And a motorcycle?
292
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,616
- No, Kenneth, I let him
buy a motorcycle ramp
293
00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:42,577
and no motorcycle!
294
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:47,290
Can I help you?
295
00:11:47,582 --> 00:11:50,126
Tracy's very tired. He
didn't sleep last night.
296
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:51,418
- Why not?
297
00:11:51,586 --> 00:11:52,980
If he doesn't get at
least 14 hours a night,
298
00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:54,464
he starts to go crazy.
299
00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:55,924
- We on a show within a show!
300
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:58,176
My real name is Tracy Morgan!
301
00:11:58,468 --> 00:11:59,778
- Well, Tracy wanted
to go clubbing.
302
00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:01,482
And I don't know if
you know this, Kenneth,
303
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,389
but night clubs
are open at night.
304
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:05,433
- You didn't let
him drink, did you?
305
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,311
Mr. Jordan can't mix
alcohol with his medication.
306
00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:10,873
- I'm not an idiot, Kenneth. I
took him off his medication.
307
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,232
- You what?
308
00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:13,733
Why are you doing this?
309
00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:15,693
- Because Liz told me to.
310
00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:18,363
Having access to
Tracy is an opportunity,
311
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,114
and I'm taking advantage of it.
312
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:23,326
Did you see page six today?
313
00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:25,119
Those are my toes
he's sucking on.
314
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:28,623
And he did not want to.
315
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,712
Ah, mm.
316
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,968
- Jack!
317
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,678
What the hell is this?
318
00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:44,180
- Where did you get that?
319
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,307
- Donna from casting
and I are friends.
320
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:47,599
Well, not so much friends
321
00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,602
as I own a magnet that can
scramble her pacemaker.
322
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,437
- Jenna, you are
not playing Avery.
323
00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,773
- Why not? This
movie was my idea!
324
00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:55,065
- I appreciate that.
325
00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,318
You can play a
Korean party whore.
326
00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:00,238
I just don't think you can
capture Avery's essence.
327
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,031
- That's ridiculous.
328
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:04,701
I posed bottomless in essence.
329
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,577
- Jenna, Avery is
worldly. Traveled.
330
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,079
She went to Yale.
331
00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:09,371
- Oh, I see.
332
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,000
You think I'm stupid,
just because my college
333
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,168
got tipped over by
those Miami heat fans.
334
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:15,460
- I didn't say stupid.
335
00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:17,390
Jenna, there are many
kinds of intelligence.
336
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:20,466
Practical, emotional, and
there's actual intelligence,
337
00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:22,038
which is what I'm talking about.
338
00:13:22,093 --> 00:13:23,970
- I want this part, Jack.
339
00:13:24,262 --> 00:13:25,638
It's a guaranteed
Emmy nomination.
340
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,640
- I'm sorry. I've
made up my mind.
341
00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:30,935
- Very well.
342
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:32,645
But let me ask you this, Jack.
343
00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:35,273
Would a dumb person be able
to think of something amazing
344
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:38,067
to say as she leaves?
345
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:45,557
- Liz, we have a
show in four hours.
346
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,463
Have you still not
picked a contest winner?
347
00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:49,954
- Ugh! Fine, I'll just
pick one at random.
348
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,123
It's joren Van Der sloot.
349
00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:53,851
- We can't fly someone
from Peru now.
350
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:56,461
There's no time.
351
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:59,422
- Oh, Hazel, we need to talk.
- I'm busy, Liz.
352
00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:02,216
Tracy wants me to page from
in Las Vegas this weekend.
353
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:03,134
Is this dress appropriate
354
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:05,261
for watching pornography
with Penn Jillette?
355
00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:08,014
- Okay, normally we don't
encourage Tracy to go to Vegas,
356
00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:11,059
because of his gambling
addiction and his fear of magic.
357
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,478
But maybe a weekend away
from Razmig is a good thing.
358
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,938
- No. Razmig's coming with me.
359
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,750
What? Who is this, hah-zel?
360
00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:19,692
I no permit you
talk other woman.
361
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:21,003
- Okay, I'm putting
my foot down.
362
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:24,572
This guy is no good for you
and I order you, as your mentor,
363
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:25,864
to dump him.
364
00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:27,718
- You don't know what
you're talking about, Liz.
365
00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:30,495
Razmig is amazing.
He makes me laugh.
366
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:33,581
- Oh, where is toilet pail?
Razmig must make mud.
367
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,666
Razmig!
368
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:37,502
- Hazel, no. I'm
not letting you...
369
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:39,474
Let her fail, Liz.
370
00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:42,423
Let her get there on her own.
371
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:45,385
- You know what, fine.
You're right, I'm wrong.
372
00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:48,346
Go, be with Razmig.
- Thank you, Liz.
373
00:14:48,638 --> 00:14:52,475
It takes a big woman
to admit she's wrong.
374
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:53,767
- You are a big woman.
375
00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:56,687
You have pictures? Fat nudes?
376
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:05,029
I need your help, Ms. Maroney.
377
00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,448
- Absolutely.
378
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,409
Oh, I thought you
were someone famous.
379
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:11,220
You sound a lot like
Reese Witherspoon.
380
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:12,244
What do you want?
381
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:15,081
- I'm afraid if Mr. Jordan goes
to Las Vegas this weekend,
382
00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:16,373
he's gonna die.
383
00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:17,984
- I'm not hearing
my name, Kenneth.
384
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,752
- So I thought you...
385
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:21,629
- oh, thank god.
That took forever.
386
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,715
- I thought you could teach
me how to get around Hazel.
387
00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:28,344
If I could just get one minute
alone with Mr. Jordan...
388
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:31,097
- you can convince
him he's wrong. Yes!
389
00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:33,599
But how do you
get his attention?
390
00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:36,310
All the world's a
Stage, Kenneth.
391
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,147
Just play the part.
392
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,357
- Play the part?
393
00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:53,369
- Ms. Lemon.
394
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:54,954
If it's not too late,
395
00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:56,932
I would like the essay
contest to win a role
396
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,791
on TGS with Tracy Jordan.
397
00:15:59,083 --> 00:16:00,323
- No, Kenneth, you can't enter.
398
00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:02,170
The contest isn't open
to NBC employees.
399
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:03,754
- I know, ma'am-maw.
400
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:05,590
Which is why I just quit my job
401
00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:07,467
at standards and practices.
402
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:09,260
I may hate you right now,
403
00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:12,597
you little, but damn
it I respect you.
404
00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,169
- Kenneth, you know this is just
405
00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:15,975
to be a non-speaking
extra, right?
406
00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:16,684
- I know.
407
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,687
But have you ever
loved something so much
408
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,023
that you would
sacrifice anything for it?
409
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:23,315
- Nope.
410
00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:25,359
But you know
what, this is perfect.
411
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:27,691
Because then I don't have
to pick some crazy person,
412
00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,905
and I know you won't do
anything weird on the air.
413
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:30,989
- I'm Kenneth!
414
00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:33,159
- Get to wardrobe,
contest winner!
415
00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:35,953
This is gonna be a great show.
416
00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:44,712
- Hello?
- Hi, it's Charles from the U.N.
417
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:45,713
We found your wife
418
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,090
and I dropped
her off at the office.
419
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:51,260
She should be
there right about now.
420
00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:55,765
- Jack, it's me. I'm home.
421
00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:57,600
- No, you're not my wife.
422
00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,393
- How could you
say that, darling?
423
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:01,979
I'm Avery Jesbert.
- Jenna?
424
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:04,148
- No, don't turn on the light.
425
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,067
Surprised?
426
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,737
- Let's set aside how
idiotic that plan was,
427
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,406
and imagine a world
where it actually worked.
428
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:13,858
- I appreciate your feedback.
429
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:15,785
- If I had believed
you for one second,
430
00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:18,246
I would've been
devastated, heartbroken!
431
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,081
- You wanna talk
about devastation?
432
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,601
How do you think I felt when
you told me I couldn't play Avery?
433
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:23,709
- You are a monster.
434
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:27,421
What you have done
here today, it's... it's...
435
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:31,050
The second cruelest thing that
anyone has ever done to me.
436
00:17:31,342 --> 00:17:32,622
Do you know what
the cruelest is?
437
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,154
- When I went to the bathroom
on the hood of your car
438
00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:35,239
before I thought of this plan?
439
00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:37,139
- Avery had me committed
to a mental hospital
440
00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:38,617
so she and her college roommate
441
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:40,160
could use my yankee
tickets on opening day.
442
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:43,771
- That's a nice story, Jack,
but I don't hear my name in it.
443
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,648
- You...
- Finally.
444
00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,776
- You may not have
Avery's grace and acumen,
445
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,654
but you do have the one thing
that makes her so special...
446
00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:54,532
Her ruthless pursuit
of self-interest.
447
00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:56,576
It's the heart of capitalism.
448
00:17:56,867 --> 00:18:01,539
And the beautiful
black heart of my wife.
449
00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:05,543
Jenna, you have Avery's
essence. Congratulations.
450
00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:06,835
The part is yours.
451
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,463
- Oh! You won't regret this.
452
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:11,716
We're gonna get her home, Jack.
453
00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:13,009
Now if you'll excuse me,
454
00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:14,661
I have a female
condom to take out.
455
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,262
Unless...
456
00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:18,055
Going once...
457
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:21,726
- Four, three...
458
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,229
- Ladies and gentlemen,
459
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:28,566
a message from the
president of the United States.
460
00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:31,527
- Goo-goo, ga-ga, my
fellow ah-meh-ri-cans.
461
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:34,572
- Okay, he's never been worse.
462
00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:36,324
Is Kenneth supposed to enter?
463
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:37,616
- I love you, sir.
464
00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:38,947
- Ken, where have you been?
465
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,786
- Damn it.
- I've been here all along.
466
00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:43,247
I never left. And I never will.
467
00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:44,539
- Go to commercial.
468
00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:45,892
- They told us we
can't do that any more.
469
00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:46,916
- What?
470
00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:48,711
- I quit my job to
be here, Mr. Jordan.
471
00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:50,838
It was the only way I
could get around Hazel.
472
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,715
- You quit your job for me?
473
00:18:53,007 --> 00:18:56,844
- I'm not just gonna sit by
and watch you destroy yourself.
474
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,764
'Cause I would do
anything for love,
475
00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,891
but I won't do that.
476
00:19:02,183 --> 00:19:07,772
- The girl in that video was
hot in an early '90s kind of way.
477
00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:11,776
- Now... take your medicine.
478
00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:12,777
- This has been a message
479
00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:16,280
from the president
of the United States.
480
00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:20,201
- Tough night?
481
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:21,970
Come on, Lemon.
The show was all right.
482
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,472
What about the sketch
with the guy who was worried
483
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:24,598
about his sexual performance?
484
00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:27,291
- That was a real commercial
for an erectile dysfunction drug.
485
00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:28,751
- Well, I laughed.
486
00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:31,253
So, uh, how did things
shake out with Hazel?
487
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:32,672
- Not great.
488
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:34,923
My way, which is still
the right way, didn't work.
489
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,051
So just to see,
I did your thing.
490
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:38,719
- Good. You let her fail.
491
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,347
That's how the banking
industry learned its lesson.
492
00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:43,766
And now they're doing
amazing, and everyone's honest.
493
00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:45,851
- Mm. Your thing
didn't work either.
494
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:48,020
- Are you sure?
495
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:56,612
Mentoring is not
an exact science.
496
00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:00,175
- Why aren't there more
female serial killers?
497
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:00,866
What does that say
about our society...
498
00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:02,326
- Liz!
499
00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:04,620
- Oh, here she is. She's here.
500
00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:07,206
- Liz, I was watching
the show fall apart
501
00:20:07,498 --> 00:20:09,792
while Razmig gave me
a prison tattoo of his face,
502
00:20:10,084 --> 00:20:11,084
and I heard your voice.
503
00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:14,296
I finally heard
everything you said to me.
504
00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:16,298
"Hazel, you're a
beautiful flower.
505
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:17,800
"Let yourself bloom.
506
00:20:18,092 --> 00:20:19,569
"What are you doing
this weekend, Hazel?
507
00:20:19,593 --> 00:20:22,221
Are there still bath
houses? Let's go to one!"
508
00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:23,699
- I never said
any of that, but...
509
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:24,849
- you were right all along.
510
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:27,101
You knew I was making
the wrong choices.
511
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,604
But you let me fail.
With Razmig, with Tracy.
512
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,791
- Yes, I was definitely
on top of that Tracy thing.
513
00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:34,316
- You were teaching
me the whole time,
514
00:20:34,608 --> 00:20:37,987
and all the while lighting
a fire with that hot ass.
515
00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:40,531
- I'm... jack.
516
00:20:40,823 --> 00:20:43,117
I'm your grand-mentor. Liz?
517
00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:47,288
She's beautiful.
518
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:56,589
- This next lady is white
haven, Pennsylvania.
519
00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:59,884
Okay! Please welcome
to the Stage leminem!
520
00:21:00,176 --> 00:21:01,218
Ooh!
521
00:21:04,472 --> 00:21:07,266
- ♪ Ahhh, do the sprinkler ♪
522
00:21:07,558 --> 00:21:09,560
♪ do the sprinkler
do the sprinkler ♪
523
00:21:09,852 --> 00:21:10,852
♪ do the sprinkler ♪
524
00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:13,272
♪ here we go, here we go ♪
525
00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:15,149
♪ white haven,
P.A., Apollo theater ♪
526
00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:16,734
♪ come together ♪
527
00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:19,779
♪ have you ever thought
about the women of the world ♪
528
00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:21,989
♪ teen moms, grandmoms,
even little girls ♪
529
00:21:24,366 --> 00:21:26,076
Go, white haven!
39486
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