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1
00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:05,589
- Tracy, Jenna, we all know
what happened when you hosted
2
00:00:05,881 --> 00:00:08,926
the St. Patrick's day
parade three years ago.
3
00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:11,427
♪ ♪
4
00:00:11,637 --> 00:00:12,304
Wake up, mother-.
5
00:00:12,596 --> 00:00:14,097
- And when you
hosted two years ago.
6
00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:15,724
- Die, demon!
7
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,392
- Why didn't you
ever call me back?
8
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,728
- Unfortunately,
unless Harry's law
9
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,372
really took off this week
and no one told me,
10
00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:23,607
you two are the biggest
stars at the network.
11
00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:25,734
But this year,
everything you say
12
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,402
will be scripted
and on prompter.
13
00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:30,030
Do not deviate from the script.
14
00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:31,865
- Jack, Tracy and
I are total pros.
15
00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:33,158
- On television,
16
00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:35,370
and when it comes to the
assisted suicide debate.
17
00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:39,790
Secret handshake, my Baloney.
18
00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:41,402
- Hazel, I won't
be here tomorrow,
19
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:44,211
so... I wanted to give you this.
20
00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:46,129
It's the tail I had
until I was 16.
21
00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:49,049
- Well, don't worry
about the parade.
22
00:00:49,341 --> 00:00:50,621
I'll take care of
Tracy and Jenna
23
00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,302
like they're my own children.
24
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:53,594
Which is a bad example,
25
00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:57,474
because I left my
kids at a sears in 2004.
26
00:00:57,766 --> 00:00:59,935
- Oh, I told you about
Mr. Jordan's allergies, right?
27
00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,311
- Yes, Kenneth.
28
00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:02,914
He's only allergic
to allergy medication.
29
00:01:02,938 --> 00:01:05,274
- But he loves it.
And Ms. Mulroney's...
30
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,609
- Kenneth, let go.
This is my rodeo now.
31
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:10,320
Well, not literally, of course.
32
00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:15,742
The U.S. rodeo association
does not lift lifetime bans.
33
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,121
- So are you gonna work
through St. Patrick's day?
34
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,766
Don't you want to celebrate
Ireland's great accomplishments,
35
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:24,501
like Michael Lohan and
vomiting into a bagpipe?
36
00:01:24,793 --> 00:01:25,833
- Wow, Lemon, so I take it
37
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,438
you will not be wearing
green tomorrow.
38
00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:28,982
- I will be wearing
head-to-toe orange,
39
00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:31,174
in honor of protestant
William of orange,
40
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:34,177
inventor of the orange,
according to yahoo answers.
41
00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:36,346
- You in orange?
42
00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:37,798
You'll look like a creamsicle
43
00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:39,215
with an old tooth stuck in it.
44
00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:40,517
- Well, you'll never see me,
45
00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:42,787
'cause I don't leave my
house on St. Patrick's day.
46
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:45,188
Criss and I are going to
ride out hurricane shamrock
47
00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,399
holed up in my apartment,
48
00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:49,651
laughing at excerpts
from Angela's ashes.
49
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,921
- You know, some people
might find your attitude offensive.
50
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:52,964
- Oh, what are they
going to do about it,
51
00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:53,988
write a meandering play
52
00:01:54,239 --> 00:01:57,701
about how amazing the Irish
are at not overcoming adversity?
53
00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:58,702
- Well, I'm sorry
we can't all belong
54
00:01:58,994 --> 00:02:00,996
to ethnic groups as
beloved as the Germans.
55
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:02,328
- Please, without Germans,
56
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,267
you wouldn't have any of
the Indiana Jones movies.
57
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:06,572
- Lemon, your secret love of
the Irish is well-documented.
58
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:07,955
After all, I am your mentor,
59
00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:09,546
you dated Dennis Duffy,
60
00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:11,518
and in the '90s, you
gave money to the Ira.
61
00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:13,610
- I thought it was contributing
to a retirement account.
62
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,274
- You know, I think
someone needs to learn
63
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,054
a St. Patrick's day lesson.
64
00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:23,185
- What is that? A curse?
65
00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:24,477
Take it back, you witch!
66
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:32,569
♪ ♪
67
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:44,246
- This American life,
68
00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,458
Saturday, march
17th, St. Patrick's day.
69
00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:48,710
You know, everybody
complains about the weather,
70
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:51,283
but today on the program, we
meet somebody who actually...
71
00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:54,132
Hey, what are you doing?
Get out of my studio!
72
00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:56,259
Happy St. Patrick's day!
73
00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,095
- Let go of me!
74
00:02:58,387 --> 00:03:00,347
Didn't you hear my
show on bullying?
75
00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:02,182
- Hey, Criss, watch this.
76
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:06,103
Megan! Megan!
77
00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:07,437
- Megan!
- Megan?
78
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,690
- Look at them spin
around. They're so confused.
79
00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:11,566
Awesome.
- It's too many megans, right?
80
00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:12,858
- I love you.
81
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,026
- Uh-huh.
82
00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:16,231
I just ordered Thai food. How
much do you love me now?
83
00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:18,532
- Man, they're fast.
84
00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:20,944
You know what, I can't
wait till the asians take over.
85
00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:22,953
- Thank god for delivery,
keeping us inside
86
00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:25,414
and safe from all
the Irish nonsense.
87
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:26,373
- Hey, dummy.
88
00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:28,583
- The curse.
89
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:30,335
- What's up? I'm Dennis,
90
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:33,505
a former lover of Liz's.
- Oh.
91
00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,549
- I tried to steal beer
from a Duane Reade,
92
00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:37,676
and some black
guy cold-cocked me.
93
00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:38,677
- Ooh, like a security guard?
94
00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:40,011
- I don't know, pal.
95
00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:44,141
I don't see people that way.
96
00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:46,935
- No, no. No.
97
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,604
- Hey, before we go on,
98
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,481
do you want to pray together?
- Yeah.
99
00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:54,213
Oh, Michael Jackson's ghost...
- Oh, great Kabbalah monster...
100
00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:56,528
- NBC is showing the promo
I worked on for the parade!
101
00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:57,820
I'm famous.
102
00:03:57,904 --> 00:04:00,490
- And now back to
NBC's live coverage
103
00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:02,222
of the 2012 St.
Patrick's day parade,
104
00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,411
with hosts Jenna
Maroney and Tracy Jordan.
105
00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:08,623
- Oh, my god! They
said my name first.
106
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,155
- But I'm more famous than you.
107
00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:14,212
Oh, this is probably
some Hollywood prank,
108
00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:15,964
like on the set of ocean's 12,
109
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,133
when I put that snake
in George Clooney's bed.
110
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:19,718
I was not in the movie.
111
00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:21,570
- Or maybe now
that kidz is a giant hit,
112
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,388
I'm the one america
wants to see.
113
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:24,907
- You better not
be talking about
114
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:26,308
my dear friend, america ferrera.
115
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:27,760
- Get your stuff out of here,
116
00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:29,616
'cause I get the bigger
dressing room now.
117
00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:31,021
I'll replace your lizard
118
00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:33,523
with a gay guy in a
giant champagne bottle.
119
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:34,858
- Siri, kill Jenna!
120
00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:36,818
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what's going on?
121
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,130
- I get second billing to
this small-boobied grandma?
122
00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:42,032
- No, you guys are friends,
remember? "My Baloney"?
123
00:04:42,324 --> 00:04:44,564
- The only Baloney Tracy
has is the Baloney he's full of.
124
00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:46,369
Why would you say that?
125
00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:47,996
You can't take that back.
126
00:04:49,498 --> 00:04:52,209
Siri: I killed Jenna
Elfman. Is that right?
127
00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:53,701
- Did you show them the promo?
128
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:56,505
Hazel, we don't let
them watch NBC.
129
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,197
Jenna thinks that
Christina Aguilera
130
00:04:58,340 --> 00:04:59,609
lost her voice
during childbirth,
131
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:00,818
and Tracy doesn't need to know
132
00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:02,069
that he just became
number two around here.
133
00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:03,929
That kind of mistake
can ruin everything.
134
00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:06,431
- I don't like the way
you're talking to me.
135
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:10,852
Why don't we drive to
sears? I'll buy you a toy.
136
00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:18,026
- Excuse me. May I help you?
137
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,879
- What? We don't use your
bathroom when you're not here.
138
00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:21,321
I'm Lutz.
139
00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,281
- Frank, first of all,
140
00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:25,158
what are you doing
here on a Saturday?
141
00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:27,512
- None of the writers can
go out on St. Patrick's day
142
00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:30,205
because we all have faces
people naturally just want to punch.
143
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:31,832
So we're all hiding out here,
144
00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:33,625
playing Colonizers of Malaar.
145
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,335
It's a strategy board game
146
00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,627
from the makers of goblet
quest and virginity keep.
147
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,464
In Malaar, you build a kingdom
148
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,550
and battle for world domination.
149
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:44,344
Right now, I'm just the
lord of the Karthian plains,
150
00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:46,156
but that means I
control all the wheat!
151
00:05:46,429 --> 00:05:49,599
- Huh. It's actually
interesting.
152
00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:51,977
You have a monopoly on wheat.
153
00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:54,604
But what happens if you
overproduce, flood the markets?
154
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,296
Prices drop, your
economy collapses.
155
00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:57,816
You've got to diversify, Frank.
156
00:05:58,108 --> 00:05:59,359
It's basic capitalism.
157
00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:01,111
What other resources
do you have?
158
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:02,779
- Uh, unicorns?
159
00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:04,271
- Can you breed and sell them?
160
00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:06,049
There's got to be a
market for unicorns.
161
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,286
If I've learned anything from
reading Liddy's Princess books,
162
00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:11,454
unicorn hair has
magical properties.
163
00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:13,015
You've got to know
your product, Frank.
164
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:14,374
- That's awesome.
165
00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:15,292
- Ah, it's nothing.
166
00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:17,502
That kind of thinking
is what I do for a living.
167
00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,588
At least, I used to.
168
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,423
You just have to
replace "Malaar"
169
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,341
with "Fairfield, Connecticut,"
170
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:26,428
and "unicorn" with...
171
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:31,349
"Project: Unicorn," a death Ray.
172
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:35,061
- Hot dog truck, huh? I
went entrepreneur, too.
173
00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:36,353
I got this new business
174
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,607
where I burn your old
DVDs onto laserdisc.
175
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,150
- Whoa, Dennis,
176
00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,642
I don't think you should be
drinking with a head injury.
177
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:44,946
That's a good Liz
impression, Criss.
178
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,240
She's a bummer.
179
00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:48,575
- Well, 911 is still busy.
180
00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:51,786
What could be causing so
many medical emergencies today?
181
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,788
Oh, right, an Irish
religious festival.
182
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,206
- Irish pride! Go, Celtics!
183
00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:56,498
Celtics suck. Go, Knicks!
184
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,686
- As soon as I get through,
I'm getting you an ambulance,
185
00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:00,420
and you are out of here, Dennis.
186
00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:01,814
- No, no, no, no, no. I
can't get into an ambulance.
187
00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:03,924
I don't have health
insurance because of Obama.
188
00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:06,193
- Look, Liz, I don't think he
needs to go to the hospital
189
00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:07,928
for a concussion. I
was a volunteer EMT.
190
00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:10,323
- At burning man, and we
agreed never to talk about that.
191
00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:11,782
- At sunset, the
cacti start to resemble
192
00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,058
people looking for hugs.
193
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:14,350
It gets ugly, Liz.
194
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,794
- You know, there's some
things I miss about being with you,
195
00:07:16,978 --> 00:07:19,064
like having somewhere
to hook my sega up to,
196
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,499
but this constant judgment...
197
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:22,359
Criss deserves better.
198
00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:24,128
- Criss, may I speak to
you alone for a minute?
199
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:26,279
- No. Anything you
need to say to him,
200
00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:27,697
you can say in front of me.
201
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:29,199
Me and Criss...
202
00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:31,993
We're bang brothers.
- Ugh.
203
00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:40,377
- God, live TV's such a rush.
204
00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:42,045
It's like sex,
205
00:07:42,337 --> 00:07:44,589
but your husband isn't
looking at a picture of a bridge.
206
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:47,926
- Peter, can you
explain this to me?
207
00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,053
- Well, obviously
I'm host number one.
208
00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:51,429
We all saw the promo.
209
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:54,683
- Hazel, the script had
Tracy and Jenna's names in it.
210
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:55,558
Did you change that?
211
00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:56,850
- Duh!
212
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,979
After you pms-ed about
their names yesterday,
213
00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:01,106
I thought numbers would
make everyone happy.
214
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:04,651
- We're on in
five, four, three...
215
00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:09,280
Both: Welcome to the 2012
St. Patrick's day parade on NBC.
216
00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:11,658
- They're both reading
host number one.
217
00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:12,969
- Would a third host help?
218
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,202
I am S.A.G. eligible,
219
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:17,205
but I will only do nude stuff
if there's a mirror behind me.
220
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,915
- Forget the parade, Hazel!
221
00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:20,750
For six years, we've
been tricking them
222
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:22,242
into thinking they're friends,
223
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:23,860
and you've undone
all that in a day.
224
00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:25,898
Both: I understand you
have some interesting trivia
225
00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:27,716
about this year's parade.
226
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:31,928
No way, that's amazing!
227
00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:36,808
- No. I've moved on.
228
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:39,894
Both: I couldn't agree more.
229
00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:45,983
- I'm playing two timber
230
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:47,432
and one brick to build a bridge
231
00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:50,530
and establish a
trading post in Midgar.
232
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:52,699
That failed...
233
00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:55,744
And the orcs raped everybody.
234
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:59,456
- Okay, and I am offering
Frank 500 gold coins
235
00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:01,548
for the neutral land
between the elf kingdoms.
236
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:03,501
- I'll double it.
- The price is now 3000.
237
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,396
- I'll mortgage Theowyn Castle.
- I'll take out a loan.
238
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:06,921
- Don't you see
what you're doing?
239
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:08,524
You're creating a
real estate bubble,
240
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,188
and the only person
who'll benefit is Sue,
241
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:11,620
who'll buy up all
the neutral land
242
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:12,927
for cents on the dollar.
243
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,219
- Thanks a lot, klootzak.
244
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:15,906
I don't come to where
you work and slap the...
245
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,183
- it's basic
macroeconomics, people.
246
00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,060
None of you is fit
to be King of Malaar.
247
00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:23,688
- And you would presume to
wield the scepter of Thalbain?
248
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:25,940
- Yes.
249
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:29,736
Yes, I would.
250
00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:31,255
- Why are you being nice to him?
251
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:32,506
- What, you want
me to be jealous?
252
00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:34,824
I'm not that guy. I'm this guy.
253
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,177
- No, you need to
know something.
254
00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:37,511
Dennis Duffy is
like the Terminator
255
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:38,953
with cheaper sunglasses.
256
00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,413
He just keeps coming back,
257
00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:43,145
because his potato brain thinks
he still has a chance with me.
258
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,251
- Hey, Liz, you'll be back.
259
00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,104
- If I ever see you
again, I'll kill you.
260
00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:48,128
- You'll be back.
261
00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:49,976
- Never again!
- You'll be back, Liz Lemon.
262
00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:51,382
You'll be back.
263
00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:53,360
- I'm not kicking Dennis
out of here in his condition.
264
00:09:53,384 --> 00:09:55,024
Guy with a concussion
on St. Patrick's day
265
00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:56,498
is like a horse
with a broken leg.
266
00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:58,640
- Exactly. We should shoot him.
267
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,034
Don't you see what he's doing?
268
00:10:00,058 --> 00:10:01,976
He's already driving
a wedge between us.
269
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:05,271
- Criss, get in here. There's
a lez movie on showtime.
270
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:09,359
- Um...
271
00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:16,074
♪ ♪
272
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,249
- Ugh, three again?
273
00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:28,253
- And your yak... Has smallpox.
274
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:29,671
- Rockefeller, no!
275
00:10:31,214 --> 00:10:32,214
- What?
276
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:33,800
- Dennis is here.
277
00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:36,010
Take back your curse.
This isn't funny anymore.
278
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,762
- Oh, really? You're cursed?
279
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:39,854
Try ruling over the
desert wastelands of Kroth
280
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:41,349
with no spell cards.
281
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,310
- Are you playing colonizers
of Lamar with the writers?
282
00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:47,188
- Malaar, and this
game is just dumb luck.
283
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,858
I dug all these trenches
to irrigate the desert...
284
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,985
- but no one's
playing his rain ca...
285
00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:56,739
- I'm trapped in a
barren wasteland,
286
00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:59,159
and no matter what
I do, I can't get out.
287
00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:00,450
Wait.
288
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:04,330
Oh, my god, it's
happening again.
289
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:07,250
The desert of
Kroth is Kabletown.
290
00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:09,377
I've got to get some fresh air.
291
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,337
- So fine, two can
play at this game.
292
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:14,090
I'm putting an old
German curse on you.
293
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,973
- Hey, Dennis had a great idea.
- No.
294
00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:23,617
- I should take the hot dog
truck out after the parade,
295
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,143
and sell empty
buns to drunk people.
296
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:27,515
- Oh, my god, Criss, he's
just trying to get me alone
297
00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:30,773
so he can start a gas leak
or claim squatter's rights
298
00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:32,233
or hit me over the head,
299
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,205
and when I wake up,
we're on our honeymoon.
300
00:11:34,485 --> 00:11:35,820
At SeaWorld.
301
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:37,464
- Are you sure this is
Dennis's obsession?
302
00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:39,968
'Cause you're the one who can't
seem to stop talking about him.
303
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:42,368
- Are you kidding? I
know Dennis Duffy's brain.
304
00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:44,370
I saw some of it when
he jumped on the ice
305
00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:45,788
during an islanders game.
306
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:46,706
His next move will be
307
00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:51,961
mentioning some fake girlfriend
to try to make me jealous...
308
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:54,380
But I'm going to
turn it against him.
309
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:59,093
And once again, the puppet
will become the puppet master.
310
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:00,404
- What does that
mean, "once again"?
311
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,055
That's not a thing.
312
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:06,226
- This ends right now.
313
00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:09,896
- Dude, you missed
the end of the lez movie.
314
00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:12,106
Their daughter, she
goes off to college,
315
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:13,798
and Mark Ruffalo,
he's just gonna do
316
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,387
his own thing
with the restaurant.
317
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,171
- Look, is there anyone
you want us to call
318
00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:18,446
to let them know you're okay?
319
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,406
- I left a message
for Megan earlier,
320
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,009
but it's hard for her
to answer her phone,
321
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:23,326
'cause her boobs are so big.
322
00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:25,495
- I'm sorry, and who's Megan?
323
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,387
- She's my lady, Liz.
I'm seeing someone.
324
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:29,382
She's a card girl at
kangaroo boxing matches,
325
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,210
so she's got a body,
and she's loaded.
326
00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:34,545
Her grandfather
invented the stop sign.
327
00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:36,547
- Wait, are you
saying you're over me?
328
00:12:36,839 --> 00:12:38,299
- Elizabeth, don't do this.
329
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,551
Because I am not over you.
330
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:42,053
I never will be!
331
00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:45,348
I love you, Dennis. I
love you so much...
332
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:46,975
- whoa, what the hell, Liz?
333
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,227
- No, Criss, I'm just
proving my point.
334
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:50,746
- I don't care
what you're doing.
335
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,370
So it turns out you
can say "I love you,"
336
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:54,607
just not to me.
- Wait, what?
337
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:56,293
- It's not like you haven't
had the chance to say it.
338
00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,903
Love you.
- You're the best.
339
00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,281
- Love you.
- Scooby-doo.
340
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,366
- I love you.
- I just ordered Thai food.
341
00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:05,636
- And I thought you were
just emotionally infantile.
342
00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:08,371
- I am! Me baby.
343
00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:09,723
- Yeah. I'm gonna
take the truck out.
344
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:12,834
- Oh, no, it's
happening. The wedge!
345
00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:17,130
Liz, we need to talk.
346
00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:19,465
Open the bag of wine.
347
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,426
- And we're back
with our live coverage
348
00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:23,428
of the St. Patrick's day parade.
349
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,306
I'm Al Roker, taking over for
Jenna Maroney and Tracy Jordan.
350
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,766
- He should have
said my name first.
351
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,226
Roker should be on my side.
352
00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:32,937
- Why, because you both have
had huge weight fluctuations?
353
00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,361
What?
354
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,156
- Okay, that's not how you're
supposed to answer the phone.
355
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:44,574
Just thought I'd check in.
356
00:13:44,866 --> 00:13:46,117
- Everything's fine.
357
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:48,119
Pete says I'm doing great.
358
00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:49,971
I'm not about to
screw this up, Kenneth,
359
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:51,956
'cause I'd get kicked
out of show business,
360
00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:53,488
and then how would I be famous?
361
00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:54,708
By starting a fire
362
00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:56,152
and then rescuing
everyone from it?
363
00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:59,047
And then I'm a hero
and then I'm in playboy?
364
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,691
- Hazel, are Mr. Jordan
and Ms. Maroney fighting?
365
00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:02,759
- Well, you're not a
page anymore, Kenneth.
366
00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:06,095
That information is classified.
367
00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:10,850
♪ ♪
368
00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:12,226
- You look troubled, son.
369
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:14,854
Would you like to talk about it?
370
00:14:15,146 --> 00:14:16,189
- I'm stuck, father.
371
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:20,026
Stuck in a company that
won't innovate or change.
372
00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:22,445
I feel helpless. Impotent.
373
00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:25,281
Whoa, buy me a drink first.
374
00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:27,373
Sorry, we've been
instructed to keep it light.
375
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:28,993
- Ah.
376
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:31,285
- Now there's a man who
overcame some difficulties.
377
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:33,331
I'm sure you know
the story of St. Patrick,
378
00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:35,124
driving the snakes
out of Ireland.
379
00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:36,685
- I'm going to have to
stop you right there, father,
380
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:37,377
'cause I know for a fact
381
00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,420
that there were never
any snakes in Ireland,
382
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:42,006
and St. Patrick didn't drive
anything out of anywhere.
383
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:44,133
- Knock, knock.
384
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:46,487
- First of all, he was born
in fourth century Ireland.
385
00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:48,721
He might as well have
been born in a grave.
386
00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:52,433
His only worldly
possession was no snakes.
387
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,727
But he turned that...
388
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:58,481
Huh... into
sainthood, a holiday,
389
00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:01,109
this magnificent cathedral.
390
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,860
He was just some guy
391
00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:06,114
starving in the wilderness...
392
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:07,615
Exactly like me.
393
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:11,828
But he found a way
to change his luck,
394
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:17,166
to take nothing
and turn it into...
395
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:21,087
By the scepter of Thalbain.
396
00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:26,926
- Out, now.
397
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,155
Look, Liz, there's
something I've got to tell you.
398
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:31,979
- Not interested.
- Megan isn't my girlfriend.
399
00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:33,724
- I know, and I am
not letting you...
400
00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:34,600
- she's my wife.
401
00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:37,019
We just got back from
SeaWorld yesterday,
402
00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:38,789
and I know this is
hard for you to hear...
403
00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:41,399
- oh, yeah, it's so hard for
me to hear about your "wife."
404
00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:42,316
I'm so jealous.
405
00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:43,608
- Dennis, baby!
406
00:15:43,818 --> 00:15:44,920
I would have got here sooner,
407
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,572
but I passed out
laughing on 69th street.
408
00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:50,241
- That's hilarious,
megs. What's up, sugar?
409
00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:51,593
- Hi, how are you?
- How are you doing?
410
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:53,244
- Wait a minute, Megan is real?
411
00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,955
I thought you were lying
to get us back together.
412
00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:57,391
That's why I said I loved you.
413
00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:58,695
I was trying to call your bluff.
414
00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:00,310
- Wow, you know, that's
really messed up, Liz.
415
00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:02,587
- Okay, wait, you
said you love him?
416
00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:03,879
Okay.
417
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:07,175
You got two minutes to
fill a sock with quarters,
418
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,760
and then we go outside.
419
00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:12,172
- Oh, my god, stop it, no
more of this Irish nonsense.
420
00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:14,807
Dennis, you came in here,
possibly as part of a curse,
421
00:16:15,099 --> 00:16:16,726
and ruined everything!
422
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,269
- What? I did nothing.
423
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:20,813
Hey, if anyone's full of
Irish nonsense, it's you.
424
00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:22,265
- Excuse me?
- Think about it.
425
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,066
You're the one that
got all emotional
426
00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:25,838
and made a fool
of herself at a party.
427
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,195
- This wasn't a party.
428
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:28,672
- Tell me about it. It sucked.
429
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:31,073
Look, you're stubborn,
you hold grudges,
430
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:32,950
you're emotionally repressed.
431
00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,386
She's been living
with this great guy,
432
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:35,786
and hasn't said
"I love you" yet.
433
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,289
- Really? Not even
on a Ferris wheel?
434
00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:39,665
- Ugh.
- Let's face it, Liz.
435
00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:42,168
You're the most
Irish person here.
436
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:43,878
Happy St. Patrick's day, dummy.
437
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,671
- Wait, it's St. Patrick's day?
438
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:49,634
St. Patrick's day, baby.
439
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:55,431
- The first car is here
440
00:16:55,723 --> 00:17:00,353
for whichever one of
you wants to leave first.
441
00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:03,189
Why do I keep doing this stuff?
442
00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:06,484
Is 70 not a good IQ?
443
00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:14,587
- Well, the bigger
star gets the first car.
444
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:17,411
- But the sign says
it's for host number two.
445
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,330
I'm scared, J-Mohr.
446
00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:20,974
And not just 'cause
today's the day
447
00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:23,000
that guy that tried to
kill me gets out of jail.
448
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:26,295
I'm scared 'cause...
449
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:28,297
What if I'm not the
biggest star anymore?
450
00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,174
- Tracy, I know how you feel.
451
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:32,146
I've felt that way for
the past five years.
452
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:33,695
And now that I've gotten
everything I wanted,
453
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:36,514
all I can think about is how
quickly it can all go away.
454
00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:38,891
- Tell me about it. A
year ago, I won an Oscar.
455
00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:39,892
Now look at me.
456
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:42,228
I had to beg to take
over for Andy Rooney.
457
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:43,813
And it did not go well.
458
00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:45,106
When I was a kid,
459
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,692
you could get a
prostitute for $5.
460
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,902
- You know what?
461
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,234
I'll read host number two.
462
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,864
- No. We'll read it together.
463
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:57,034
- Aww.
464
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,377
- Know this, Hazel. I
will always be here...
465
00:18:06,669 --> 00:18:08,129
For them and for you.
466
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,630
Nothing can ever make me...
467
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,202
Move your car.
468
00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:21,392
- I'd like to spend
my remaining gold...
469
00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:22,977
To purchase a fire spell.
470
00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:26,105
- And against whom will
you be casting this spell?
471
00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:27,815
- Against myself.
472
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,067
I am setting fire
to my own desert.
473
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:33,112
- You're insane!
- Am I?
474
00:18:33,404 --> 00:18:35,489
I'm going to turn
my desert into glass,
475
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:38,075
and glass is a commodity
that you all need,
476
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:40,870
for your elfin oracle mirrors,
477
00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:42,288
for your crystal palace,
478
00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:43,700
for the colorful glass beads
479
00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:46,584
that you keep buying
for some reason.
480
00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,919
- I'm going to wear
them to the pirates' ball.
481
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:50,504
- You need my glass.
482
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:52,506
And I'll take your gold...
483
00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:56,510
And eventually, the
throne of 1,000 kings.
484
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:57,928
You see, it doesn't matter
485
00:18:58,220 --> 00:19:00,014
if I'm on the wind-blown
dunes of Kroth
486
00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:01,807
or in the fluorescent-lit
boardrooms
487
00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:03,684
of 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
488
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,020
I will create something
489
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:09,148
from nothing.
490
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:13,402
Today Malaar...
491
00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:15,321
Tomorrow Kabletown.
492
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:26,082
- Your highness, you
may take your right as King.
493
00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:30,044
I am a virgin...
With white guys.
494
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,837
- All right, mustard only.
495
00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:33,714
There you go. Enjoy your bun.
496
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,258
- Sorry, sorry.
497
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:38,030
These are the only
green things I own.
498
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:40,888
More importantly, I have
never been with someone
499
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,473
for longer than nine months.
500
00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:44,205
You and I have
been together for six,
501
00:19:44,475 --> 00:19:46,075
so I assume something
will go wrong soon.
502
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,978
You'll tell me you
believe in ghosts,
503
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:51,232
or I'll reveal
that I am terrible
504
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:53,859
at expressing my feelings.
505
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:55,462
But it's not because
I don't have them.
506
00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:56,946
It's just because...
507
00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:58,364
I'm used to being let down.
508
00:19:58,656 --> 00:19:59,949
- Wait, is now the time
509
00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:02,618
on St. Patrick's day when
we talk about our feelings?
510
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:05,121
I don't understand
your art, Kevin.
511
00:20:07,498 --> 00:20:09,291
But this isn't
fair to you, Criss.
512
00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:11,711
This is the happiest
I've been in a long time,
513
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:14,964
and I'm sorry that I can't
just be a normal person
514
00:20:15,256 --> 00:20:16,841
and tell you stuff.
515
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:20,010
Like, nice stuff. Like...
516
00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:21,679
Greeting card stuff.
517
00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:23,073
- Oh, you're right there, buddy.
518
00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:24,890
Come on, homestretch.
519
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:27,059
Come on.
520
00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:28,686
Okay.
521
00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:30,104
I love you.
522
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,231
- I know.
523
00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:36,569
You solo-ed me.
524
00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:53,544
Both: Thanks, host number one.
525
00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:54,378
Let's take a look
at what's happening
526
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,589
live in Rockefeller Plaza.
527
00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:57,882
- I love you.
528
00:20:58,174 --> 00:20:58,883
- Oh, I got this!
529
00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:00,455
That is a person named Liz Lemon
530
00:21:00,676 --> 00:21:02,303
who just told some
dude she loves him.
531
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:04,221
- Wow, I have
known her a long time,
532
00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:05,873
and she has never
said that before.
533
00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:07,725
- It sure is rewarding
as a TV viewer
534
00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:10,478
when someone you're
invested in shows growth.
535
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,938
Also TV viewers like it when
a show ends with a song.
536
00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:14,523
- ♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪
537
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:17,943
♪ the pipes the
pipes are calling ♪
538
00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:21,947
♪ from Glen to Glen and
down the mountainside... ♪
539
00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:24,700
Don't you dare fade out on me.
40139
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