All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S06E11.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

- Well, hello, Hank. So
good of you to come up.

- Well, I'm not gonna miss

the america's kidz
got singing finale.

Last time I was this
excited was this morning.

I saw a cat wearing the
same sweater as its person.

Jack, you remember
my granddaughter.

- Oh, hi, Mr. Donaghy.

- Kaylie.

- There's Jenna Maroney!

- So, Jack, how's your
wife? Still kidnapped?

- How's the yearbook going?
I heard you made editor...

Of the photo captions.

Hey, pop-pop, wait up.

Hey, pop-pop, wait up.

- I'm so excited for the finale.

Not that it matters,
even if Brock doesn't win,

he is going to get
a record contract.

So, it definitely
doesn't matter.

This isn't the last we
will be seeing of Brock.

- Well, whoever wins, it's a
great night for the industry.

Kidz is a hit the whole
family can watch together,

not your usual sitcom crap
full of gratuitous vulgarity

and pratfalls.

- Wah! Oh!

Oh, my penis!

- Jenna, this is a big night.

- And I've got
something big planned.

Tonight during
the finalists' duet,

I'm gonna cry.

Now, of course, none of
these little condom accidents

could actually make me
cry, so I'm gonna rub this

under my eyes
to help me fake it.

It's an old acting
trick I learned

from Glenn Beck's prostitute.

- Well, Mark my words, Jenna,

tonight is going
to be the greatest.

- Disaster in the
history of television.

The young contestants
apparently inebriated on live TV.

- ♪ Oh, shushanna... ♪

- I gotta throw up.

- What happened?

Why haven't you been
returning my calls?

- Because my phone
melted last night, Lemon.

- Come here, Jack.

Mm...

That was my angriest hug,
'cause that's how I feel right now.

Instead of heading
back to Philadelphia,

I'm going down
to deal with the fcc.

The federal clown commission.

I hope that comes
off as respectful.

My father was a clown,

and I know how
hard those men work.

- I'm going to get to the bottom

of what happened
last night, sir.

I've already detained Brock
and Ava under the patriot act.

People have forgotten
about that thing,

but any white male can
arrest any other person.

Hello, peers.

Sure has been a busy morning

down in the
standards department.

Because of last
night's cluster-whoops,

Darren was fired.

Then he threatened to
come back with a gun.

Then I got a promotion,

and the desk
closest to the door.

Here are my new business cards.

- Late night programming?
So you're covering TGS now?

- And a wonderful new
show from D.L. Hughley

that's already been canceled!

- I feel like Oscar
the grouch today,

and not just 'cause I woke up

in a garbage can this morning,

startling someone named Gordon.

- What's wrong, Tracy?

- I can't eat for 24 hours

'cause I have a
colonoscopy tomorrow.

I'm starving!

- You know, fasting can
actually clear your mind.

In college, I once
went on a hunger strike

to protest apartheid...
- Oh.

You're the one who solved
that? Thank you so much.

- 1997 Heather Locklear,
what are you doing here?

What? Jenna!

- Save it, Liz.

Yes, I was disappointed that
I didn't get to do my fake cry,

but I do have a plan b.

The whole point of the
cry was to humanize me,

to change public perception,

but what else
humanizes a monster?

Motherhood.

- Oh, god. Don't adopt.

That child is better
off in Somalia.

It could be a pirate, or
a warlord's concubine.

- This is better than adopting.

Remember my little moneymaking
scheme back in Chicago?

- Cashing your dead aunt's
social security checks?

- Oh, no, I'm still doing that.

I'm talking about when
I donated my eggs.

So, a couple of
months ago, I called

the calumet city egg donation
center and house of blues

to see if there were any
little Jennas out there

who wanted to meet me.

- Hang on, are you
saying you have a kid?

- No, I don't.

- Oh.

- I have six kids.

- Jerome, share
the bronzer, you slut.

- Dear god.

♪ ♪

- I'm a very
powerful man, Brock.

Little league tryouts
are coming soon.

How would you like to
wind up on a team with...

None of your friends?

- It was her idea!
She made me do it!

- Brock just sold you out, Ava.

- What are you doing to Molly?

She already had to
live through world war ll.

- Brock said it
was all your idea.

- No, it was her idea.

She's just so cool.

Like a human silly band!

- Who? Who's a human silly band?

- I'm tall enough now

that there isn't a roller
coaster in the world

I can't go on.

- Wow.
- So...

You guys drink beer.

Or are you babies?

- Jack versus Kaylie, round two,

colon...

No subtitle necessary.

Mommy announcement.

I hope we're all waxed,

because you're coming with
me to my interview tonight

for Barbara Walters' 10
most overexposed people.

Oh! Barbara Walters!

- Okay, so, let me just quickly
identify everyone's good sides.

Left, left, right,

right, left...

Oh, Judy. That's not
really on message.

- Look, I didn't call
the donation center

to be on TV, Jenna.

I wanted to go get a cup of
coffee and get to know you.

- If you want to get to know me,

read my 2006 interview
in amtrak magazine.

If you want to be my daughter,
put on this wig and smile.

Oh, there you are, Liierz.

Boy, I am still not comfortable
calling you by your first name.

Then again, you've
never been comfortable

calling me by my
full Christian name.

- Kenneth.

- Oh, no, "Kenneth" is short
for andromakennethamblesorton.

- So, what's up?
- Oh.

- Wait, what is this?

"Additional restrictions
to broadcast standards"?

- Yes.

People are pretty
upset about last night.

- How can we do "fart
doctor" without the word "fart"?

- I'm surprised they
allow you to say "doctor."

It's so close to "gynecologist,"
which is disgusting.

- Have you seen this
memo from standards?

Kenneth is being a real...

Dingbat.

Which is now the harshest
word we are allowed to say.

- Oh, you can blame
that on Kaylie Hooper.

She's the one who
ruined the kidz finale.

- Really? What a... Dingbat.

- Why didn't I see this coming?

I knew this company was
making me lose my edge.

That's why I hired a cato
to attack me at random.

Like Inspector Clouseau.

Cato?

Don't attack me tonight, okay?

I know I told you that when
I say, "don't attack me,"

that's when I most
need you to attack me,

but I'm serious.

Cato?

Aah!

Excellent, cato, excellent!

Did Kaylie really think I
wouldn't figure this out?

No, she knew I would.

So, she's going
to be ready for me.

Good. I like a fair fight.

- Okay, she is
just a teenage girl.

- Lemon, you know very well
that a Nemesis can be anyone...

Or anything.

Autocorrect.

I was trying to say
"pen organizer."

- Oh, god. You're a winter.

- I don't know what that means.

Why are there only six chairs
out there? There's seven of us.

- Oh, no. One of us will
have to sit out the interview.

I'm just gonna choose at
random who it's gonna be.

Eenie-meenie-miney-moe,
out goes ♪ y-o-u ♪

- I'm sorry, Judy.
- Bye, Judy.

All:

- Could've just
gotten another chair.

- Who is it?

- Sweetie, it's pop-pop.

I came back from D.C.
early, and I lost my darn key.

What a world.

Surprise.

I'm very good at voices, Kaylie.

I'm very good.

I know what you did.

And you had to assume
I'd break Brock and Ava,

so, you're ready for this,

but here's what you
weren't counting on...

- This has nothing
to do with you!

I just had to get
pop-pop out of town

because I am in so much trouble!

Henry and his friends had to
go to the King of prussia mall

last Thursday night
'cause it was a half day,

and I couldn't go
'cause I had piano,

and my friend vickie, well,

she said she got
grounded 'cause she went

to some highlighter
party with Dylan

while his parents
were out of town.

- Whoa, okay,
hang on. Calm down.

- And then fat
vickie saw her there,

so I called her, and
Henry answered her phone

because he had vickie's phone!

- Wait, which
vickie? Fat vickie?

- Vickie p. Are you
even listening to me?

- Okay.
- God!

Vickie used to
be my best friend.

I had her YouFace password,
so I logged onto her account,

and posted all these photos

with "I am a slut"
written on her forehead,

and then school found
out, so now my life is over!

- Please!

What does this have to
do with sabotaging me?

- This has nothing
to do with you!

I messed up the
show to make sure

pop-pop wouldn't come
back to Philadelphia with me,

'cause Dr. Melvoin is trying
to kick me out of school,

and if pop-pop comes
to the teacher conference,

well, then, he'll
let them expel me,

and I'll have to go to some
school in the middle of nowhere,

and then I might
as well be dead!

- Wait, where are your parents?

- Who knows?

My mom is in Indonesia
visiting her charity

where poor children make shoes.

- Isn't that just a sweat shop?

- I know!

And then my dad put a
Porsche engine in a model t

and drove it to Mardi Gras!

- I know what it's like not
to have your parents around.

I once took a log
with googly eyes

to a father-son picnic.

But, uh, who's going to take you

to this parent-teacher
conference?

- I don't know.

I have nobody!

I wanna die!

- Do you have a second, Kenneth?

- No, there's only one of me.
What? What are you asking?

- Look, we have a show tonight.

You can't just take
away all these words

we've been using
for the past six years.

- Oh, that reminds me.

You can't say "using"
on TV. It implies drug use.

- We're saying whatever we want.

- No, you can't.

That's an order.

I stole that speech
from an episode of jag,

but it applies here.

- Are you kidding me?

Last week you were a page,

now you're telling me
how to run my show?

- Well, I am
arguing back at you.

- I have enough crap to deal
with around here, Kenneth...

- I'm interrupting you
'cause I'm good at arguing!

- I don't need you to
make my life worse.

- I am responding, I
am matching your tone,

and making my own point.

- You know what,
Kenneth? Fine. You win.

But as we saw the
other night on kidz,

anything can happen on live TV.

Right, Tracy?
- What?

- I'm just saying, tray,

you're very unpredictable.

And we'll write clean sketches,

but you might just
do your stand-up act.

Who knows?
- Okay.

I'm still fasting because
I misread my calendar.

Tomorrow is my colonoscopy.

Today was my meeting
with Colin o'scopy.

Therefore, I have no idea

what you're saying,
talking Turkey leg.

- Were you a difficult teenager?

- Well, I was voted
head of the pta, so no.

- I'm accustomed to dealing
with difficult people, Lemon,

but teenage girls, ugh...

Are a puzzle.

- Oh, yes, how was your
meeting with your Nemesis?

- I volunteered to
accompany Kaylie

to a parent-teacher
conference at her school.

- What? Why?
- It's complicated.

The point is, and I
never thought I'd say this,

I actually feel
badly for Kaylie.

On the other hand,
I know full well

that this is an
opportunity to destroy her.

I could get her expelled,

sent off to some
second-rate boarding school,

then on to that last bastion
of the incompetent rich,

usc.

- I don't know, Jack, you
should stay out of this.

- No, I could help this girl.

Or destroy this monster.

If I could just tell whether
she's vicious or vulnerable.

- That's the problem.
She's a teenage girl.

She's vicious and vulnerable.

She might be completely lying,

like when I was 15 and
told everyone at my school

that I'd already
gotten my period,

or she could be in real trouble,

like when I was 17,
and finally got my period

at a very loosely
supervised petting zoo.

- Once again, Lemon,
I leave your office

more confused
than when I entered,

but having glimpsed yet
another tile in the rich mosaic

that is your menstrual history.

- So bravo wants to do
a reality show about us,

and I thought the
opening credits

could be all of us
in a giant dog bed,

and you guys are suckling

on prosthetic dog
teats that I'm wearing.

- Actually, we had
a different idea.

Now that Judy's gone,

it's kind of obvious someone
is the odd person out.

- It's Jerome, right?

I didn't want to say anything

'cause I was trying
to be a good mother,

but you're cheesy,
and everyone hates you.

- No, Jenna, you.

- You're so much
older than the rest of us,

so we're thinking
the show is more like

the girls next door,

and you're that old boat
captain that shows up sometimes.

- That's Hugh Hefner, Jessica.

- Yeah, we have
no idea who that is,

so you're kind of
just proving our point.

- I see.

Very well.

- Looking for this?

- Well played.

- Oh...

- Dude, what's up?

- I'm just having
a bad day, sir.

- All right, bro-bro,
let's just be cool,

and sit down and pee
in silence, like dudes do.

- It's just... I
started a new job,

and it's stressful enough

just having my own waste
basket that I have to fill every day

without Liz Lemon yelling at me,

and I just wish I
had never been born!

'Cause if I can't even
get my friend Liz...

At least I thought
she was my friend...

To respect me, how
will I ever run a network

and boss around
those Jewish executives

that were trained
from birth to argue?

So, I should just give
Liz what she wants,

and quit.

Bro...

You should just smack
that Liz in the mouth.

- Sorry I babbled so much.

Thanks for listening.

I'm Kenneth, by the way.

- Me too. I'm Kenneth.

Kenneth... uh...

Toilethole.

- I'm so sorry, Dr. Melvoin.

You know, I already apologized
to vickie, and to fat vickie.

- Fat vickie's parents
were very upset

that she was
dragged into this mess.

- I know. I know
what I did was stupid,

and I've really
learned my lesson.

Look, if I could
go back in time,

I'd just... I'd skip clarinet,

and I'd go to the spring
football with my friends,

and none of this ever
would've happened.

- Or you simply could have
not posted those pictures.

On hot vickie's YouFace
page, miss Hooper.

- Uh, hold on, Melvoin.

You told me it was the piano,

and that everyone went
to the King of prussia mall.

- Well...

I don't remember.

And I'm just so
emotional right now.

Ha!

- I'm sorry, how are you
related to miss Hooper?

- I'm her Nemesis.

- You bastard.

Don't do this, Donaghy.

- I think that this school

has done everything
it can for Kaylie,

but the only fitting
punishment...

Is expulsion.

- It's days like
this that remind me

why I got into teaching
in the first place.

- Kenneth, we need to talk.

- I don't know, 'cause someone

who actually cares
about my feelings

told me to smack
you in the mouth.

- No, don't listen to
Kenneth toilethole.

- You know him?
- Yeah. He's great.

We should all go
get dinner sometime.

Kenneth, you can do this job,

and I do respect you.

- Then wash my
feet with your hair.

- No! But I did completely
rewrite the show.

We're not even using the
word "dingbat," Mr. Parcell.

- A Parcell man has
never been called "mister"

outside of an execution chamber.

- Oh, boy.

The blonde ones,
they turned on me.

They threw me away like
I was some kind of Judy.

Oh, god. Is this how Judy felt?

Judy was nice and sweet

and wanted to get a
coffee enema or something,

and I treated her like garbage.

- Well, then why don't
you apologize to her?

She's right behind you.

- Oh.

Judy, you're so beautiful now!

Oh.

- I just came to say
good-bye before I head home.

I wish we had spent
more time together,

but I guess I'll see you on TV.

- No. Of all my children,

you're the only one that proves

there's any good in me.

Forget TV.

Let's go get that coffee now.

- No. You know
you can't do that.

- One minute. One minute to air.

I have to stop Jenna
from leaving. You just...

- no problem. I'll cover.

Day two of my fast,
and you were right.

My mind is clear, and
I'm sharp as a tack.

- Great, tray, thanks.

- My brain is working overtime.

I finally understand the
ending of the sixth sense.

Those names are the people
who worked on the movie.

Oh, yeah, and I just got

what you were trying
to tell me yesterday.

You want me to do
my filthy stand-up act

instead of reading
the cue cards.

- No.

Jack! Help!

- I was right about
Kaylie, and I crushed her.

- That's great. I need...

- the whole time,
she was playing me,

but in the end, she
made the biggest mistake.

She could not have
been worse in that meeting

than if she had wanted me to...

Son of a dingbat!

- Tracy's gonna do his
stand-up act on the show!

What are we gonna do?

- I'm gonna live bleep him.

Normally, I'd have to get
permission from Irene first,

but there isn't time.

- You know why I love
Dominican women?

'Cause they love to those big

'Cause they eat all our aloud.

I'd like to introduce
housed in a

, booooy!

You just ate a with extra?

Well, you called the right.

That's our show for tonight!

See you next week!

- That was amazing!
- It sure was.

Kenneth, I'm Gaylord Felcher.

- The head of standards?

- I have never seen
bleeping like that,

so guess what?

I'm promoting
you, you little -face.

- All right, Felcher, you
don't have to talk like that.

- Well, who's gonna stop me?

Who among you has the
power to censor the censor?

- What a surprise.

Whatever are you doing
here, Kaylie Hooper?

- Enjoying my total
lack of adult supervision.

I just had fruit
roll-ups for dinner...

At a strip club.

You wanted to get expelled
from school, didn't you?

- Look who figured it out.

It only took you,
oh, I don't know,

a million hours.

- You didn't lie to me
about getting sent to school

in the "middle of nowhere."

What I realized too late is,

you were talking about
beekman academy,

right here in Manhattan,

in the neighborhood
north of ware street,

otherwise known
as, uh, "noware."

- Now I'll be able to be
close to my boyfriend Henry.

Like hot vickie could
ever steal him from me.

He's going to NYU.
To study acting.

- If pop-pop had
gone to that meeting,

he would have
just written a check

and made it all go away.

- You needed somebody
to throw you under the bus.

You needed a patsy.

I, uh, couldn't help but notice

that lacrosse ball
in your backpack.

Too bad I'm on the board of
the central park conservancy,

so beekman won't have
a field to play on next year.

- Well, good, 'cause I
planted that lacrosse ball there

to get back at a girl I
hate who plays lacrosse.

Her name is Jack... Ie.

Jackie... officecouch.

Damn you, Donaghy!

- Cato? Seriously, not tonight.

I mean it this time.

Aah!

Son of a dingbat!

- Sorry. That phone
call took forever.

Where's Kenneth toilethole?

- You just missed him.

Again.

- He had to go to the bathroom.

- You know what?
I'll go get him.

- No, don't!

Every time one of you leaves,
the other one comes back.

You know, I'm
starting to suspect

that I have bad luck.

- Dude, bro, where's Liz?

- You didn't see her?

She just left.

- Oh! I gotta go feed the meter.

- Oh!