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1
00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:05,339
- Hey, Liz.
2
00:00:05,631 --> 00:00:06,298
Package for you.
3
00:00:06,590 --> 00:00:10,469
- ♪ My trio of popcorns ♪
4
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:15,348
Simon?
5
00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:16,850
- Sorry, Liz.
6
00:00:19,561 --> 00:00:21,271
I had no other way
into the building.
7
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:22,603
And I lost all my contacts
8
00:00:22,773 --> 00:00:24,933
after I dropped my cell
phone into the penguin exhibit.
9
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:25,776
Yeah.
10
00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:27,903
I had my birthday
at the aquarium.
11
00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:29,195
- What do you want?
12
00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:30,864
You're not my agent anymore.
13
00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:32,342
- Oh, I'm still getting
your business mail
14
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:32,991
at my parents' house.
15
00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:35,283
Your contract's almost up,
and Mr. Donaghy's office
16
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:37,055
sent over that new
one for you to sign.
17
00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:39,206
- I'm not just gonna sign
whatever Jack sends me.
18
00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:40,498
That's insulting.
19
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:41,851
We haven't even
talked about this.
20
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,294
- Well, I am the
King of renegotiation.
21
00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:46,088
You watch the wonder
pets on Nick Jr.?
22
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:48,924
I represent the turtle
that tuck is based on.
23
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:49,925
- Yeah. No, thanks.
24
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,553
I will deal with this myself.
25
00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,072
- Did you miss me
yesterday, Ms. Lemon?
26
00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:57,558
- Awesome, great story.
27
00:00:57,849 --> 00:00:59,017
- So, Ms. Maroney,
28
00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:00,018
did you miss me while
I was gone yesterday?
29
00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:01,310
- You weren't gone.
30
00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:03,105
I saw you.
31
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,232
Kenneth! Just move.
32
00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:07,901
- No...
33
00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:10,237
Mr. Donaghy fired
all the pages for a day.
34
00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:12,329
Didn't you notice your
food wasn't pre-chewed?
35
00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:13,991
- J-Mo, Marty Goldstein
36
00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:15,468
is your accountant too, right?
37
00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:16,612
I owe him a call.
38
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:17,823
I bet he's going to tell me
39
00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:19,264
I can't write off
all my shoplifting.
40
00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,288
- No.
41
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,583
He's calling you about
his son's Bar Mitzvah.
42
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:25,002
Marty wants to pay us
crazy money just to show up.
43
00:01:25,294 --> 00:01:26,294
- Well, you know I'm in.
44
00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:28,714
Getting paid to help
a boy become a man
45
00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:31,883
is kind of my wheelhouse.
46
00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:34,344
- Hey, I have a
bone to pick with you.
47
00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:35,178
- Look at this, Lemon.
48
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:37,347
The Pentagon has hired ge
49
00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:38,959
to weaponize
microwave technology.
50
00:01:46,398 --> 00:01:47,398
This is amazing.
51
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:48,734
That was my old division.
52
00:01:49,026 --> 00:01:50,152
If I were still there,
53
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:51,838
I would've controlled
every aspect of that project.
54
00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:52,862
Planning, oversight,
55
00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:55,032
morale-boosting
t-shirts indicating
56
00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:56,844
everyone "survived"
a certain barbecue.
57
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,661
There's nothing to challenge
me here at Kabletown.
58
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,393
Lemon, when was
the last time I said,
59
00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:02,998
"no, senator,
you're out of order"?
60
00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:03,999
- Well, I've got
something for you to do.
61
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:06,752
You honestly thought
I would just sign
62
00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:08,462
the same deal I
got six years ago?
63
00:02:08,754 --> 00:02:10,839
- Well, what would we
negotiate about, Lemon?
64
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:11,548
What do you even want?
65
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,008
- Well, for starters,
66
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:14,900
I would like a hospital
bed in my office.
67
00:02:15,010 --> 00:02:16,010
A real one.
68
00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:16,928
I don't care if it's
against the law
69
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:17,929
to resell them.
70
00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:18,889
- Oh, my god.
71
00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:20,474
How far I've fallen.
72
00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:21,892
I used to be a legend.
73
00:02:22,184 --> 00:02:23,784
When there was a
deal no one could close,
74
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:24,603
they brought in Donaghy.
75
00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:26,271
So it's agreed.
76
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,403
You'll be moving forward
with this partnership.
77
00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:31,985
- You know what, I'm insulted
78
00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:33,963
that you think it's beneath
you to negotiate with me.
79
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,614
Without me, there's no "TGS,"
80
00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:37,824
so like it or not,
we're getting into this.
81
00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:39,826
Call my assistant
to set up a meeting.
82
00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:41,161
- And by your "assistant,"
83
00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:43,372
you mean you with
a British accent?
84
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:44,664
- I have a new assistant.
85
00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:46,833
She's a cool college
student from...
86
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:48,460
South Africa.
87
00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:49,752
Yeah, she'll be British.
88
00:02:53,173 --> 00:03:01,056
♪ ♪
89
00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:13,902
- Uh, hello? I'm back.
90
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,474
- What do you
mean "you're back"?
91
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,698
- I wasn't here yesterday.
92
00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:18,573
- Yes, you were.
93
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:20,145
You were in the kitchen all day.
94
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:23,578
Right over... oh,
that's a broom.
95
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:27,666
- I know my job
is to serve you all,
96
00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:29,751
but I thought that
after six years,
97
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,229
you at least thought
of me the way
98
00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:33,046
an owner thinks of his dog.
99
00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:34,631
- Kenneth, look...
- No, sir!
100
00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,683
I am using my
once-in-a-lifetime interruption
101
00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:40,095
to point out I am not
even a dog to you.
102
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:41,747
After all, when a
dog goes missing,
103
00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:44,141
everyone's upset
'cause there's no dog milk
104
00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:48,228
for the babies.
105
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,564
- Jack wants a real negotiation?
106
00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:53,358
Well, I want a piece of
the "TGS" merchandising.
107
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:55,944
The catchphrase, "this smells,"
108
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,236
I wrote that.
109
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,530
And when 20 cult members
110
00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:01,450
jump off a bridge together
wearing "this smells" t-shirts,
111
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,410
I should get a cut of that sale.
112
00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:06,955
- Merchandising. That's smart.
113
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:07,873
Here's the plan.
114
00:04:08,165 --> 00:04:11,042
I need to find a bathroom.
115
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,389
Oh, it's on, Donaghy.
116
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,813
- Here they are!
117
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,607
My favorite clients.
118
00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:35,779
Adam is going to be so
excited to meet with you.
119
00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:37,527
He is a huge, huge fan.
120
00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:40,113
- Yes, many of our
viewers are obese.
121
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:42,741
- Now Marty, how
Jewish is everyone here?
122
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:44,753
'Cause I may need to
change parts of my act.
123
00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:47,078
- These are the best
clients you could get?
124
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:48,872
Don't you represent
Gina gershon?
125
00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:50,204
- My Nemesis?
- My Nemesis?
126
00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:51,082
- Adam.
127
00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:52,667
You said you loved "TGS."
128
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,294
- I was being sarcastic.
129
00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:56,087
God, I told mom I wanted
130
00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:58,381
a transformer's
theme for Bar Mitzvah.
131
00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:00,592
You know, this
sucks. I hate you.
132
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,385
- Son...
133
00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:04,054
- okay.
134
00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:05,013
We're going to go.
135
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,014
Don't worry about the fee.
136
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,408
You can just give it to us now.
137
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:08,701
- Oh, no. You're
not going anywhere.
138
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:09,885
If my boy wants transformers,
139
00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:11,220
you're gonna be transformers.
140
00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:12,687
- I don't think so, Marty.
141
00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,123
- If you don't help me out here,
142
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,900
maybe the IRS finds out
that your nine dependents
143
00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:18,192
are just vibrators.
144
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,028
And Tracy, I'd hate
for people to realize
145
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,988
that your "charity"
is just a front
146
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:24,866
that has done nothing
to make this country safer
147
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,201
from Godzilla attacks.
148
00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:30,622
- If anything, I've
increased the likelihood.
149
00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,792
- Hey, Kenneth.
150
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,293
- No, I'm not Kenneth.
151
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:37,546
But he told me
all about you guys.
152
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,381
Let me guess who's who.
153
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,591
You must be Toofer.
154
00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:42,968
- I'm sorry, who are you?
155
00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:44,420
I was asking myself
156
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:45,679
that same question.
157
00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:47,597
And I did not like the answer.
158
00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:48,974
So I made a change.
159
00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:51,309
I'm Hazel Wassername, and yes,
160
00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:53,854
you may recognize
me from one of my two
161
00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:55,522
background acting gigs.
162
00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,816
- Dr. Lingard, yesterday,
163
00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:01,152
we heard your daughter
take full responsibility
164
00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:03,238
for her roles in these crimes.
165
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,530
- Where's Kenneth?
166
00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,491
- He took my spot at
the Suze Orman show.
167
00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:08,451
What a first day.
168
00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:10,620
But you got to roll
with the punches.
169
00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:14,040
Just like my hero, Ivan
Drago, from rocky iv.
170
00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:15,709
- This is pathetic.
171
00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,921
Kenneth's trying to make
us beg him to come back.
172
00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:19,671
- Well, we are not doing that.
173
00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,148
I've learned from
having children
174
00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:23,717
that when your kid throws a
tantrum and holds his breath,
175
00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:25,009
you hold your breath too.
176
00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:26,720
When you regain consciousness,
177
00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:30,265
believe me, he's ready
to leave the toy store.
178
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:34,519
- Finally, my client gets
5% gross merchandising,
179
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:37,397
where gross means
income before expenses
180
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:40,066
and not gross like
apples on a sandwich.
181
00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:42,003
- 2% salary decrease to
keep up with deflation...
182
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:42,694
Thank Obama...
183
00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:46,323
And merchandising is a...
184
00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:47,615
Nonstarter.
185
00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:48,491
- This meeting is over.
186
00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:49,993
When you have a serious offer,
187
00:06:50,285 --> 00:06:52,829
email me at
tatertotfreak@hotmail.Com.
188
00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:54,801
From now on, you can
deal with me directly.
189
00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:55,873
Simon, you're fired.
190
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,250
- Where did that come from?
191
00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:58,728
Are you being
coached? Is it Pat Riley?
192
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,112
Tell him the
funmeister says, "hi."
193
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,333
He'll know what that means.
194
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:02,380
- No one's helping me.
195
00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:04,400
Maybe you just weren't
giving me enough credit
196
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,052
when you said this
was beneath you.
197
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:09,137
- Surprise.
198
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,306
That's what the Donaghy
method is all about.
199
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:13,391
Use my techniques
and I don't care
200
00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:16,269
who you're negotiating against.
201
00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:17,270
You'll win.
202
00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:18,762
- I'm negotiating against you,
203
00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,732
you magnificent bastard.
204
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:23,109
You.
205
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:27,113
Shia LaBeouf is in trouble.
206
00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:30,700
This is the part of the
movie where I fell asleep.
207
00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:33,411
- Jazz is gonna
get you out of this.
208
00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:36,748
Say, hey! I am
one slick brother.
209
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:37,499
- This blows.
210
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:41,127
Be the robots from NFL on fox.
211
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,380
Boo!
212
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,007
- You suck.
213
00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:50,679
- Here's your tea, Ms. Orman.
214
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,681
There you are.
- Who are you?
215
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,140
What happened to Hazel?
216
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:55,141
- Oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Orman.
217
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,060
Hazel and I switched places.
218
00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:59,479
She's over at "TGS"
now, but don't worry.
219
00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:00,355
It's temporary.
220
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,367
I just want all the
actors and writers there
221
00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:03,626
to realize how
much they miss me.
222
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,110
- And why should they miss you?
223
00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:06,962
- Well, I'd like to
think on some level,
224
00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,153
we're all friends.
225
00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:10,091
- Do you socialize
together outside of work?
226
00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:11,408
Do you exchange gifts?
227
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:14,160
Do you vacation together on
nonjudgmental cruise lines?
228
00:08:14,452 --> 00:08:15,787
- Well, no, but...
229
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:16,788
- listen, girlfriend.
230
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,165
You're trying to solve
an emotional problem,
231
00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:21,876
but what you have
is a money problem.
232
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,796
You want to be
"friends" with people like
233
00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:26,506
Tracy Jordan and Jenna Maroney?
234
00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:29,175
They're rich, so
show me the money.
235
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:30,051
How much do you make?
236
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:31,052
- I'm not sure.
237
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,887
My church requires a 110% tithe.
238
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:34,819
- How old are you?
- Don't worry about it.
239
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:35,971
- How much have you saved?
240
00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,994
- Are you talking about
saving squirrels from hawks?
241
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:38,476
Zero.
242
00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:40,088
- If you really
want to be friends
243
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,311
with people this,
244
00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:43,236
you are going to have
to quit the page program,
245
00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:45,859
and get a real job so that
you can earn for your future.
246
00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:46,651
- What?
247
00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:49,988
No, I can't quit
the page program.
248
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:53,450
- Well then, denied!
249
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:55,502
- You got the initiative.
How do you keep it?
250
00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:58,663
By making a second
first impression.
251
00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:00,235
You're going to
wear dark colors,
252
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,958
with a single power accent.
253
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:02,959
Every hair in place.
254
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:05,295
Hair movement...
255
00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:06,587
Is a sign of weakness.
256
00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,381
And whatever you do,
257
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:09,841
don't speak first.
258
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:14,596
90% of negotiations are lost
by the person who speaks first.
259
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:18,308
Because what is
speaking a sign of?
260
00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:21,310
- Weakness?
261
00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:22,352
- You, out. Fired.
262
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:35,658
- Oh! I hate those shoes.
263
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:38,244
- Oh, are we starting? Please.
264
00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:39,976
- All right. Let's
start with salary.
265
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:42,706
What are you doing?
266
00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:44,667
Oh, I'm sorry.
267
00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:46,279
Are you on some
subconscious level
268
00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:48,141
seeing this as me toying
with your manhood?
269
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:49,005
- Of course I am.
270
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:50,590
I invented that.
271
00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:52,592
Boca 2002...
272
00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:53,551
You've seen the tapes?
273
00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:54,969
- What? No. I-I just...
274
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,013
- you are being coached by me.
275
00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:58,825
- I'm sorry, Jack.
I have to take this.
276
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:01,351
Yes, may I please
speak to pizza?
277
00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:03,579
- The fake phone call to
buy time in an emergency?
278
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,355
Classic Donaghy.
279
00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,148
- Okay, fine. You got me.
280
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:08,149
Game over.
281
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:09,025
- No, no.
282
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:10,677
This just levels
the playing field.
283
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,237
Going mano a mano
284
00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:14,697
against a real adversary, me...
285
00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:17,117
It's the ultimate game.
286
00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:21,830
Jack Donaghy...
Playing with himself.
287
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,123
It's a Jack-off.
288
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:25,041
Well, great job.
289
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,733
Adam locked himself
in the bathroom.
290
00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:28,628
If we can get him out of there,
291
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:30,088
you two have got to do better
292
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,149
than that pathetic
butchering of who's on first?.
293
00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:33,299
- "Who's on first"!
294
00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:37,137
That's the phrase I
couldn't remember.
295
00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:40,473
What's going on here?
296
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,934
- I think we're waiting.
297
00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:43,893
- I'm confused.
298
00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:45,812
We make other people wait.
299
00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:48,857
- Forcing people to
wait, throwing things,
300
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,401
making crazy demands
and never being satisfied...
301
00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:53,444
Adam's acting like us.
302
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,155
- But he's not famous.
303
00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:56,846
Why is the government
allowing this?
304
00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:58,908
- Because today, he's the star.
305
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,200
A Jewish star.
306
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:02,036
- If we don't make Adam happy,
307
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:03,608
his dad is going to tell the IRS
308
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:04,830
my house isn't a church,
309
00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:07,625
although I do let
children drink wine there.
310
00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:09,544
- Tracy, as fellow stars,
311
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,338
we may actually be able
to solve Adam's problem.
312
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:13,830
I mean, when we're acting out,
313
00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:14,924
what makes us happy?
314
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:15,758
- When I'm acting out,
315
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:17,468
it's never about
the real problem.
316
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:18,760
Like all actors,
317
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:20,180
I'm not emotionally
mature enough
318
00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:22,031
to deal with my
feelings, you fart-face.
319
00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:23,159
- I know you are, but what am I?
320
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,185
Adam isn't upset about us.
321
00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:26,476
It's something else.
322
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,021
We just have to find out
323
00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:30,315
what it is and save
this Bar Mitzvah.
324
00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:33,735
- So you've lost the initiative,
perhaps by being a woman
325
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:34,569
or a shorter man,
326
00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:36,154
but you can regain it
327
00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:38,489
by fighting on your home turf.
328
00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:41,492
No one has ever won
a land war in Russia.
329
00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:42,827
Not Napoleon, not Hitler,
330
00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:45,580
not even Balki in the
unaired ninth season
331
00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:46,872
of perfect strangers.
332
00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:48,333
So where's your Russia?
333
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,210
What's your home turf?
334
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:53,630
The one place in the world
where you cannot lose.
335
00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:55,840
- Ice cream store.
336
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:00,135
- What are you doing?
337
00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,503
This is the men's room, Jenna.
338
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:03,264
Not the c-list skank's room.
339
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,516
- That's solid, but that's
not why we're here.
340
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,518
- Adam, we want to help.
341
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:08,853
You're the star today.
342
00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,272
And we know how
hard that can be.
343
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,650
- Look, we know you're
not really mad about us.
344
00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:15,818
You acting out is
about something else.
345
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:17,110
- You can tell us.
346
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,571
We're in S.A.G.
347
00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:21,950
It's just... everyone expects me
348
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,322
to dance with a girl today.
349
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,245
And I don't know about girls.
350
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:27,256
I mean, I've played this
Japanese video game
351
00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:28,813
where you slap
prostitutes to death,
352
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,750
but you only ever
dance with this penguin
353
00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:32,042
named Yamagiku.
354
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,253
- Adam, trust me.
355
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:35,380
Any girl would want
to dance with you.
356
00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:36,214
You're rich.
357
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,258
And you're fat,
so you'll die young.
358
00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:39,549
Women love that.
359
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,039
- Ad-rock, I'm going to tell you
360
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,304
the same thing I tell my son.
361
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,306
Put money in the girl's mouth.
362
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:48,142
Also, my friend, Darryl,
is your real father.
363
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:51,729
Now you go get 'em.
364
00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:57,694
- Hazel, why does
my coffee order
365
00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:59,237
say "the black one" on it?
366
00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:00,738
- Uh...
367
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:02,240
- Did you put peanuts on this?
368
00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:03,812
- Yeah, it's delicious, hat guy.
369
00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:04,575
- Ah... I'm allergic!
370
00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:05,868
- Damn it!
371
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,496
I have to write a
40-word exit evaluation
372
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:09,788
of Kenneth!
373
00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:11,374
I wish I was dead!
374
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:20,967
- Okay, Kenneth. You win.
375
00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:22,468
Please come back.
376
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,387
- Okay. When is my birthday?
377
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:25,930
- I don't know.
378
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:27,950
When is that party you
throw that we never go to
379
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:30,810
'cause we don't know what to
get the man who has nothing.
380
00:13:31,102 --> 00:13:32,520
- Suze Orman was right.
381
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:37,567
I need to quit the page
program and get a real job.
382
00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:46,075
- You know what we did today?
383
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,247
- An amazing rendition
of "what's the guy's name
384
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,412
who plays first base?"
385
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:51,414
- No, we solved a problem
386
00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:52,946
by just addressing it, head on.
387
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:53,999
Tracy,
388
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:57,462
what if you and I dealt with
all of our problems that way?
389
00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:58,963
What if we were honest at work
390
00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:00,274
about what's bothering us?
391
00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:00,965
- That would make
everyone's lives
392
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:03,092
a whole lot better.
393
00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:04,594
Like the polio vaccine.
394
00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:07,263
Or a no-bottom strip
club near a Wendy's.
395
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:10,767
Let's do it, J-Mo.
396
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:12,059
- Hey, Jack.
397
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:12,769
Sorry I'm so late.
398
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:13,603
- You're not.
399
00:14:13,895 --> 00:14:15,080
I changed the
clock on your phone.
400
00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:17,106
I just got here.
401
00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:19,817
- Anyway, I really appreciate
402
00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:21,444
you coming to my neighborhood,
403
00:14:21,736 --> 00:14:25,073
my home turf, if you will.
404
00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:28,743
I see.
405
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:31,788
Well played, Jack.
406
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:39,587
- You anticipated
my counter move,
407
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,506
employing "a
shortness is weakness"
408
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:42,798
power axiom.
409
00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:44,550
However, I knew
that you might know
410
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:46,322
that I knew to bring
my own furniture,
411
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:50,348
so I also brought my
Jack Welch power pillow.
412
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,934
I'm very sorry, sir.
413
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,426
- I thought you might do that,
414
00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:56,279
which is why I'm going
to be the first person
415
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,939
to do power quiet talking,
416
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,400
forcing you to lean in and
wonder if you're missing
417
00:15:00,691 --> 00:15:01,691
any key phrases.
418
00:15:01,776 --> 00:15:03,152
Like an idiot.
419
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:05,084
- I thought you'd try
power quiet talking,
420
00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:07,740
which is why I'm
wearing a hearing aid.
421
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:09,033
Stalemate.
422
00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:10,525
I'm everything I hoped I'd be.
423
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:11,744
Let's begin.
424
00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:12,745
2% raise,
425
00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:15,123
a show on Christmas,
no gross merchandising,
426
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:16,082
and you have a
run in your stocking.
427
00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:18,376
- 8% raise, two
weeks off at Christmas,
428
00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:19,877
5% gross, and nice try.
429
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:21,209
I'm not wearing stockings.
430
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:22,421
That's a vein.
431
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:23,505
- No raise, no vacation,
432
00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:24,994
and from now on,
you have to say,
433
00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:26,774
"go for Liz," when you
answer your phone.
434
00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:28,219
- Um, hold on a sec.
435
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:29,511
- Come on, Lemon.
436
00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:30,096
I'm just doing the
sorcerer's apprentice.
437
00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:32,014
You respond with
a pirate holiday,
438
00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:34,466
and I have no choice but
to play the hillbilly auction.
439
00:15:34,559 --> 00:15:36,269
It's all on the tapes.
440
00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:37,830
Ah, forget it. This
is taking too long.
441
00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,021
I'll do both sides.
442
00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:39,772
If you think I won't
443
00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:41,584
do the show without
Lemon, think again.
444
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,001
Oh, Jack, you're bluffing.
445
00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:44,068
Liz, we're out of here.
446
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,070
If you walk out that door,
447
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:47,842
you'll burn every
bridge she has here.
448
00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:48,985
It'll be back to submitting
449
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,826
topical menopause
jokes to Joy Behar by fax.
450
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:52,660
Oh, please.
451
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,120
You'd be in breach.
452
00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:55,931
You'd have more lawyers
on you than a midtown hooker.
453
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:56,622
You're all talk.
454
00:15:56,914 --> 00:15:57,623
It's like that time
you said you'd hit on
455
00:15:57,915 --> 00:15:59,417
Carla Bruni in front of Sarkozy,
456
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:00,918
and you totally backed down.
457
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:01,752
So did you.
458
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:03,484
Sorry, I have to take this.
459
00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:04,546
Hello?
460
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:07,508
It's me. Nice try.
461
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,261
I'm writing down a number.
462
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:14,974
Oh! You're dreaming.
463
00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:17,477
Then I'd counter.
I'd reject that.
464
00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:20,938
Then an elegante, parry
with an elegante primo,
465
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:24,734
5%, I demand three years...
466
00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:26,194
No, that can't be right.
467
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:29,780
Elegante, elegante
primo, carry the one...
468
00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:33,117
Good god.
469
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:34,619
- What?
- You won.
470
00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:35,244
- I did?
471
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:36,829
- You got everything you wanted.
472
00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:38,331
Kabletown Jack made a mistake,
473
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:41,709
and Lemon Jack pounced on it.
474
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,001
I-me lost.
475
00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:43,920
- Yes! I won!
476
00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:45,421
Nobody beats the Liz!
477
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:47,298
Oh, sorry.
478
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:49,300
In your face.
479
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:50,968
- Mr. Hornberger.
480
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:53,721
I got the message about
the good-bye Kenneth brunch.
481
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,253
I can't tell you how touched...
482
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,266
- yeah, that was a lie.
But look who's here?
483
00:16:57,558 --> 00:16:59,119
- Double actor announcement.
- Double actor announcement.
484
00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:00,478
- Over the years,
485
00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:02,706
we've wasted a lot of time
complaining about things
486
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,524
other than what's
really bothering us.
487
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:06,275
From now on, Tracy and I
488
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:08,361
are going to be
more "haw-naist."
489
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:10,655
- Instead of just
throwing tantrums,
490
00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:12,257
we're going to
talk things through.
491
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:13,282
Who's that lady?
492
00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:15,368
It's her fault that
it's cold in here!
493
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:16,327
- Tracy...
494
00:17:16,619 --> 00:17:17,619
Be honest.
495
00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,467
It's not about the
air-conditioning, is it?
496
00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:21,874
- Okay.
497
00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:23,435
It's just that I see a new page,
498
00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:24,794
and I'm not used to change.
499
00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:28,339
Because I was
raised in foster care.
500
00:17:31,509 --> 00:17:33,427
- Sounds like Tracy's
missing someone.
501
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:35,263
- He's missing me.
502
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,349
Boy, you are dumb sometimes.
503
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:42,311
- Tracy, this new page is Hazel,
504
00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:43,271
Kenneth's replacement.
505
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:46,232
Kenneth wants to
leave the page program
506
00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:47,984
so he can go make more money.
507
00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:51,153
But you need him
here, don't you?
508
00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:54,657
- Yes, I do need you,
Kenneth. I depend on you.
509
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:56,117
But I'm telling you to go,
510
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:58,160
because now that
I'm being honest,
511
00:17:58,452 --> 00:18:00,162
this job is a dead end for you.
512
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:03,708
And it would be selfish
of me to make you stay.
513
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,376
- Are you serious?
514
00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:07,336
- Yes. Now go.
515
00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:10,089
Run, Kenneth.
516
00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:13,384
Run before I change my mind.
517
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,263
Run, Kenneth!
518
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,766
Run!
519
00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:24,186
- Hey, your video says
that after a negotiation,
520
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:27,148
the winner should
get the loser a gift.
521
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:28,816
So I brought you
this popcorn tin.
522
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:29,525
There's no popcorn left,
523
00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:32,361
but it makes a great
closet organizer.
524
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:34,363
Socks, underwear, bras.
525
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:35,906
- I used to be a winner.
526
00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:38,826
Men wanted to be me,
women wanted to sleep with me,
527
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:41,996
bisexuals wanted to watch.
528
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:43,331
Now look at me.
529
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:46,125
A meaningless job, I
can't get my wife back.
530
00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:48,544
What's the point?
531
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:51,339
Maybe I'll just quit and...
532
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,049
Go work for a not-for-profit.
533
00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:54,925
Somewhere where
there's less pressure
534
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,385
and the people are nice.
535
00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:59,055
And I can wear sneakers
and jeans on Friday.
536
00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:00,347
- No, Jack, stop.
537
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:01,473
It's okay.
538
00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:03,434
- I hate myself.
539
00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:06,937
I want to be somebody else!
I want to be a baby again!
540
00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:09,899
- No, no, no. Look, you won.
541
00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:11,191
I'll sign whatever.
542
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,486
Just don't cry.
Daddy doesn't cry.
543
00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:15,905
I don't need gross
merchandising.
544
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:19,659
Excellent.
545
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,369
- What? What are you doing?
546
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:22,995
- Proving I could win.
- God!
547
00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:23,871
You were freaking me out.
548
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,163
- Exactly.
549
00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:27,291
Do you know why I lost earlier?
550
00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:28,959
Because of our friendship.
551
00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:30,451
I want you to have everything.
552
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,171
And that made me make a mistake.
553
00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:34,465
In other words, I lost
because of emotion,
554
00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:36,801
which I always thought
was a weakness,
555
00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:38,853
but now I've learned it
can also be a weapon.
556
00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:40,739
- You didn't realize
emotion could be a weapon?
557
00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:42,431
Have you not read
the poetry of Jewel?
558
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:43,849
- The point is,
559
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:46,602
you had Liz's Jack on your side.
560
00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:51,565
And that's why he-me
beat Kabletown Jack,
561
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:54,944
until me-i turned the
tables on you-you.
562
00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:59,490
- So that means that my
me-i taught your you-you
563
00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:01,033
a negotiation trick.
564
00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:04,245
- Yes, I suppose you did.
565
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:04,954
- Wow.
566
00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:06,997
After six years,
there's still room
567
00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:09,542
for growth in this friendship.
568
00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:10,209
What... why are
you signing that?
569
00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:11,127
You won?
570
00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:12,899
- Lemon, I wanted
to know I could win.
571
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:14,529
I'm still going to
take care of you.
572
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:18,092
- Excuse me, sirs.
573
00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:19,427
Mr. Donaghy,
574
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,196
do you remember the
other day when you said
575
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,681
there are other opportunities
for me at the company?
576
00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:25,141
- Of course.
577
00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:26,868
- Well, I would like to
discuss those opportunities
578
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:27,560
with you further.
579
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,813
Because I am quitting
the page program.
580
00:20:31,105 --> 00:20:32,440
- But you have no other skills.
581
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:34,817
- He's a white male
with hair, Lemon.
582
00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:38,612
The sky's the limit.
583
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,491
To white men!
584
00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:47,163
- Adam, we hear
you're a Yankees fan.
585
00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:49,015
Tracy, aren't you a
coach for the Yankees?
586
00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:50,332
You must know all the players.
587
00:20:50,624 --> 00:20:51,624
- Oh, sure.
588
00:20:51,709 --> 00:20:53,109
Those players have
some crazy names.
589
00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:54,335
Like Derek and Alex.
590
00:20:54,545 --> 00:20:55,629
- Who's on first?
591
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:56,940
- Uh-oh, we're going
to get confused.
592
00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:58,340
- The guy who
plays first is who?
593
00:20:58,632 --> 00:20:59,008
- No, thank you.
594
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:00,634
- I mean the fellow's name.
595
00:21:00,926 --> 00:21:02,636
- Everybody.
- The guy on first.
596
00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:04,472
- His wife's name is don't.
597
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,390
- What's the guy's
name on first base?
598
00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:07,266
- Know what died in Vietnam.
599
00:21:07,558 --> 00:21:09,477
- I'm not asking you
who's on second.
600
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,020
- Let's just agree to disagree.
601
00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:13,105
- Fourth base!
- Fourth base!
41621
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