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- ♪ And the home of the ♪
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00:00:05,255 --> 00:00:09,843
♪ brave ♪
3
00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:12,387
- Jason, I really
like your look.
4
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,515
You had it poppin' tonight.
5
00:00:14,806 --> 00:00:15,807
- I totally disagree.
6
00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:17,684
Because I love your look.
7
00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:19,311
You're a star.
8
00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:20,979
Believe in your dreams.
9
00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:22,981
Thank you.
- Jason,
10
00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:25,859
have you ever put out a cigar
on Gilbert gottfried's neck?
11
00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,736
Because I have, and his screams
12
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,446
were the worst
thing I'd ever heard.
13
00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:30,906
Until tonight.
14
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:32,783
Congratulations,
you're a disgrace.
15
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,580
- ♪ Shoo-bee-doo-bee,
shoo-bee-doo-bee-doobee ♪
16
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:43,126
♪ shoo-bee-doo-bee ♪
ah! I rolled my ankle. God!
17
00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:44,604
- Also, Jason, if you think
you're passing for straight,
18
00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:46,797
you're embarrassing yourself.
19
00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:49,091
- 17 million people
watched that show last night.
20
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:50,863
- Not me. I've got
better things to do
21
00:00:50,926 --> 00:00:52,803
than watch Jenna
humiliate children.
22
00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:55,472
- So you don't care that Shayla
made it to the next round?
23
00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:58,100
- How? She is so pitchy.
- What can I tell you?
24
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,852
The audience just loves
Shayla's personal story.
25
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:04,982
Did you know that both her
mothers are serial killers?
26
00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:06,692
That's america.
27
00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:10,279
- ♪ Shoo-bee-doo-bee,
shoo-bee-doo-bee-doobee ♪
28
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,823
So, did you miss
me over the break?
29
00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:15,742
- Of course. A little less
than my kidnapped wife,
30
00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:17,394
but I did get a
nice Christmas card
31
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:20,581
from Avery and Kim jong-UN.
32
00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:25,627
At least I had some
quality time with Liddy.
33
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:28,797
She's like a little
human tumbler of scotch.
34
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,409
- You turning soft
on me, Donaghy?
35
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,318
If you want, I can recommend
a good gynecologist.
36
00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:33,736
You know, 'cause
I really like my guy.
37
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,345
He's sort of a
Doogie Howser type.
38
00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:36,680
But younger.
39
00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:42,728
Aren't you going
to ask me how my...
40
00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:45,856
- no. I know exactly
how your holidays were.
41
00:01:46,148 --> 00:01:47,709
You took the train to
your parents' house.
42
00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:51,570
On Christmas Eve, you forgot
that eggnog has alcohol in it,
43
00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,298
and got into a shoving
match with your aunt
44
00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:55,002
about who puts the
star on top of the tree.
45
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,240
- It was my year!
46
00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:58,201
What, lupus lets
you just cut the line?
47
00:01:58,493 --> 00:01:59,512
- You received two sweaters
that you didn't really like
48
00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:01,997
and got your dad a book on
world war ll that he already owned.
49
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:04,875
- Wow, you really think you know
everything about me, don't you?
50
00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:05,751
- Yes, after six
years I really do.
51
00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:07,163
- Well, I will have you know
52
00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:08,490
that there are
aspects of my life
53
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,422
about which you know nothing.
54
00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:13,759
- Take off that jacket.
55
00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:15,695
If you're not wearing one
of those Christmas sweaters
56
00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:18,096
out of guilt, I'll
give you $1,000.
57
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,108
- Wrong, Jack. 'Cause
they weren't sweaters.
58
00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:21,933
They were Dickies!
59
00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:24,686
- Happy 2012!
60
00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:37,107
♪ ♪
61
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:50,796
- Good morning, Mr. Rossitano.
62
00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:52,328
I'm sorry you're going to hell.
63
00:02:52,464 --> 00:02:53,882
- That's okay. How
was your break?
64
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:58,136
- Wonderful. Reverend Gary
did the math, and guess what?
65
00:02:58,428 --> 00:02:59,930
The world is ending tomorrow!
66
00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:01,422
- And you're happy about that?
67
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,600
- Oh, of course. I
get to go to heaven
68
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:06,353
and receive my reward!
69
00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:11,024
72 virgin margaritas,
hold the salt.
70
00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:15,070
Oh, I'm sorry I won't be seeing
you in heaven, Mr. Spurlock.
71
00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:19,324
But on the Bright side, black
hell does have a jukebox.
72
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,868
- So you think this is
your last day on earth.
73
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,162
- Well, I'll leave the
thinking to other religions.
74
00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:26,516
- Well, you must have things
you want to do before you die.
75
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:27,708
- Is the sky Blue?
76
00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:30,043
Until tomorrow,
when it will be on fire.
77
00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:31,615
- Then you should
go and do them.
78
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:32,855
I came across
the following quote
79
00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:35,006
on the side of a tampon
box this Christmas.
80
00:03:35,298 --> 00:03:37,050
"Work like you don't
need the money.
81
00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:38,885
"Love like you've
never been hurt.
82
00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:41,221
"Dance like nobody's watching.
83
00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:44,683
Enjoy these satchel
Paige brand tampons."
84
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:45,993
- You know what miss
Lemon? I will do that.
85
00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:48,103
Thank you.
86
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:50,105
- You're just giving
him the day off?
87
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:51,732
That's awfully nice.
88
00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:52,566
- I'm a nice person.
89
00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:54,401
Because I'm a happy person.
90
00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:55,861
My happiness makes me nice.
91
00:03:56,153 --> 00:03:56,862
Also, maybe I'm in a good mood
92
00:03:57,154 --> 00:04:00,532
because I'm not being weighed
down by redundant torso fabric.
93
00:04:00,824 --> 00:04:04,745
- What does that mean?
- Wouldn't you like to know?
94
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:07,956
- Amazing news, Liz.
95
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,709
I made the people
magazine crossword.
96
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:13,545
One across, five letters,
97
00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:16,214
"Jenna Maroney's first name".
98
00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:18,049
- Wow! Congratulations.
99
00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:19,777
- Because of America's
Kidz Got Singing,
100
00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:21,261
I am blowing up.
101
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:24,473
When you Google "Jenna
Maroney" now, I come up first.
102
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,809
Not the Jenna Maroney who
electrocuted all those horses.
103
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:28,727
- Jenna, that was you.
104
00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:32,230
- Anyway, I'll be back for
rehearsal after I tape the show.
105
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:35,025
Talent walking!
106
00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:37,110
- This has nothing to
do with Jenna's success
107
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,695
that I'm jealous of,
108
00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:40,173
but if that yellow-haired
bag of teeth
109
00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:41,865
keeps me waiting for rehearsal,
110
00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:45,202
I will set my
dressing room on fire.
111
00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:48,705
- Okay, first of all, Tracy,
you know you're the real star.
112
00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:52,751
Huh. You know what?
I'm not doing this.
113
00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:54,211
- But I'm acting out.
- Right.
114
00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:55,938
And I know it'll all
blow over eventually,
115
00:04:55,962 --> 00:05:00,342
and so I'm just going to skip
the exhausting middle part.
116
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:01,861
- But you're supposed
to control me.
117
00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:03,845
You're Liz Lemon.
That's what you do!
118
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,807
- You're a 42-year-old man.
119
00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:08,098
- No, I'm not.
120
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,602
I took a real age
test. It said I'm dead.
121
00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,479
- Hey, I was just
going to call you.
122
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,123
- You wanna watch
today's kidz taping?
123
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,666
We're kicking off
"public domain week".
124
00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:18,401
This week, america's
kids sing really old songs
125
00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:21,071
that everyone knows and
NBC doesn't have to pay for.
126
00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,864
It's brilliant.
- Wow, more money.
127
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,699
- This thing's a real cash cow.
128
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:28,703
Unlike cash cow, the failed
NBC spin-off of cash cab.
129
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:31,115
You try riding a cow through
midtown Manhattan, Lemon.
130
00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:32,791
The animal will panic.
131
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,843
- Right. Anyway, I was
just going to call you
132
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,546
because I'm wondering
why I received an email
133
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,558
confirming my membership
in a dating service
134
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,467
called desperationships.Com.
135
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:44,070
- Because after 6 years,
I know you're depressed
136
00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:45,363
after spending
the holidays alone.
137
00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:46,888
- I'm not depressed, Jack.
138
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,820
And I don't need some
dumb dating website.
139
00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:50,559
- What if I told
you your first match
140
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:54,688
burned his groin off in an
accident at his cake shop.
141
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,982
- No. Not interested.
- Five minutes.
142
00:05:57,274 --> 00:05:59,234
- Show's getting started.
I'd better get in there.
143
00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:00,694
I'll see you soon.
144
00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:02,129
- Five minutes
to tape, everyone.
145
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,153
- Die, you blonde bitch!
146
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:06,116
Thank you.
147
00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:10,203
- ♪ Turkey in the straw,
Turkey in the hay ♪
148
00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:12,747
♪ Turkey in the straw,
Turkey in the hay ♪
149
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:14,291
♪ roll 'em up and ♪
150
00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:16,668
- Is that your daughter?
She's adorable.
151
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,045
- Thanks. She's my angel.
152
00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:20,964
Her name's Liddy.
153
00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:24,342
- Oh. Ha. That's odd,
because my daughter's name...
154
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:25,987
- I'm going to interrupt
you right there, Liddy.
155
00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:28,889
Terrible song selection.
You were sharp.
156
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:30,682
And I'm about to
get raw with you.
157
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,767
You're weird looking, Liddy.
158
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:34,185
Even if you could sing,
159
00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:35,729
with that face it would be like
160
00:06:36,021 --> 00:06:37,665
eating a steak that just
came out of a dumpster.
161
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,858
- I've done that.
- Here's my advice, Liddy.
162
00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:41,860
Go work on your presentation.
163
00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:44,195
Take voice lessons. Then
seal yourself in a barrel,
164
00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:46,114
and fall off of the waterfall.
165
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,158
- You leave Liddy alone!
166
00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:51,411
- I need it quiet to
record my catchphrase.
167
00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:52,972
Sebastian, I'm going to
give you a few options.
168
00:06:52,996 --> 00:06:54,636
- Love it, Jenna! Go.
- Is this your show?
169
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:57,500
- Liddy, go jump
back up your mother.
170
00:06:57,792 --> 00:07:00,754
Liddy, go jump
back up your mother.
171
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:03,924
Go jump back up
your mother, Liddy.
172
00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:05,318
Yeah, I like the
third one for me,
173
00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:07,302
and her crying on
the second one.
174
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,846
- I love it. Brilliant, Jenna.
175
00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:22,734
- Hello, Mr. Hornberger.
176
00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:24,211
- Kenneth, what are you doing?
177
00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:26,047
- Sir, this Chiquita banana
sticker had been stuck
178
00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:27,739
to that ceiling for years.
179
00:07:28,031 --> 00:07:29,616
So I finally scraped it off.
180
00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:31,993
- No, listen. You can do
whatever you want today.
181
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,496
- I know! Isn't it great?
182
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,998
I'm finally doing
my dream chores.
183
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,875
- Give me that.
184
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:39,793
"Scrape sticker off ceiling,
185
00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:42,671
"fix that humming
noise only I can hear,
186
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,839
organize snack table
by food jewishness..."
187
00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:47,425
Kenneth, this stuff
isn't even your job.
188
00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:50,595
- That's why they're
dream chores.
189
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,156
- Look, if it was
my last day on earth
190
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:53,974
I wouldn't be here,
I'd be with Paula,
191
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:56,184
admitting I'm in love
with her twin sister.
192
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,228
- Kenneth, we were
just out on the Plaza,
193
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,855
and four flaming horses rode by.
194
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,147
- Reverend Gary says
195
00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:05,652
super-gay horses are one of
the signs of the apocalypse.
196
00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:08,071
- Exactly! The end is nigh.
197
00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:11,157
You should raise your hopes
up even higher than they are now.
198
00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:14,077
- I will. I did!
199
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:20,393
- We have a problem, Liz Lemon.
200
00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:21,042
I just remembered,
201
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:22,934
I started a camp for
underprivileged kids
202
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,170
last summer.
203
00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:27,132
We have to drive upstate to
see if any of them are still alive.
204
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,134
- That sounds like a
Tracy problem, Tracy.
205
00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:31,186
- Okay, how about this?
I'm changing my name.
206
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:33,096
From now on everyone
has to address me as
207
00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:35,432
"the gentleman formerly
known as rectum."
208
00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:37,267
Pay attention to me, L.L.,
209
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:40,145
or else I'm going to do
something self-destructive.
210
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:42,856
For example: I just got
an honorary sheriff's badge,
211
00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:45,066
and I'm going to start
making real arrests.
212
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:45,900
- Great.
- I just realized,
213
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:47,861
I haven't paid
taxes in 30 years.
214
00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:49,213
- Oh, we're not doing
the pre-tape tonight
215
00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:50,357
because I'm leaving at 6:00.
216
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:52,647
- What's going on with you?
Why are you acting so weird?
217
00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:54,010
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
218
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,285
- You're not doing your job.
219
00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:55,952
You're laughing at rectum jokes,
220
00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,955
you're leaving early.
Did we switch brains?
221
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,665
Why am I not feeling your boobs?
222
00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:03,668
- Baah!
- What is happening!?
223
00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:06,588
- Jenna.
224
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:09,859
We need to talk about kidz.
225
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,801
- Did you see last
night's ratings?
226
00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,512
The only show I've ever
been on that got a 10.2
227
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:15,865
was when Mickey Rourke
threw me onto the field
228
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:16,890
during the super bowl.
229
00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:18,993
- Obviously I'm thrilled
about the show's success,
230
00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:22,062
but I wanted to talk to you
about your... Onscreen persona.
231
00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:24,481
- I had an idea...
Two words: B.B. Gun.
232
00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:27,093
- Actually, I think the mean
thing may have run its course.
233
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:30,487
What if you went the other way,
and you were nice to the kids?
234
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:31,779
- Well, no.
235
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,699
I mean, being the nice
one is McEnroe's thing.
236
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:37,911
- Ah, yes, well, we've done
some focus testing, and frankly
237
00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:40,580
I haven't seen such a
unanimously negative response
238
00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:43,166
since the Frasier
spin-off, hey, Roz.
239
00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:45,335
Jenna, they hate you.
240
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:48,880
- No, Jack. They
love to hate me.
241
00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:51,800
Kidz is minting
money for both of us.
242
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,802
And what's more
important than money?
243
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,854
- Well, perhaps we could
make even more money
244
00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:56,970
by pretending to be nice.
245
00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:58,389
I mean, look at Betty white.
246
00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:02,727
End of discussion.
Just ease off on the kids.
247
00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:03,561
- Look, according to Tracy,
248
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,373
people are switching
minds around here.
249
00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,607
That's obviously
what's happened.
250
00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:11,611
So whoever you are,
show me Jack's penis.
251
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:14,489
- That's for you.
252
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:20,370
- Damn, I've got to
get more of these.
253
00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:25,894
I don't know what this is,
254
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,002
but I like it.
- Ha, finally.
255
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,046
After 6 years, I've
cheered up miss Lemon.
256
00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:31,881
- That was on your list?
257
00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:34,053
I'm not always in a bad
mood. And I happen to be
258
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,580
in a really good
place right now.
259
00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:36,917
- Well, enjoy it while you can,
260
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:39,848
because tomorrow, you're
going to women's hell.
261
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,725
Uh, also, fyi, women's
hell is the same as
262
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:45,103
aroused dog heaven.
- Kenneth.
263
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:48,398
Why are you still here?
This is your last day on earth.
264
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,066
There's so much
you haven't done.
265
00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,193
- Oh, sir, I've done plenty.
266
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,154
- Oh, really? Have
you ever been in love?
267
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:55,738
- Only while playing tennis.
268
00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,510
I'm kidding. I've
never played tennis.
269
00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,367
- Have you ever
been in an airplane?
270
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,846
- Well, does falling off a
bridge in a horse cart count?
271
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:04,372
- Have you ever stood on a
beach and watched the sun rise?
272
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,144
- Sir, I've never
even seen the ocean.
273
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,834
- Never? Kenneth, that's insane.
274
00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:11,796
We were all put on this crazy
Blue marble for a reason...
275
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,716
To love, and live.
- What is going on with you?
276
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,968
Everyone's talking about
how weird you're acting.
277
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:18,540
What are you on?
- You know what?
278
00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:20,638
I have seen the
ocean on a can of tuna.
279
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,224
- Newsflash, Kenneth!
- Everybody get down!
280
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,516
- It's not going to happen.
The world's not ending.
281
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:28,188
- Oh, the rapture
is happening, sir.
282
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:30,148
Mr. Rossitano said
he saw the snakes
283
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,150
making peace with the mice.
284
00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:34,202
- You're like a child.
He's messing with you.
285
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:35,570
And you know what?
286
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,965
In the words of my father,
"you deserve to be disappointed.
287
00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:40,783
Merry Christmas."
288
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,499
- Can I talk to you, Jennifer?
289
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,752
- Tracy, how do
nice people dress?
290
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,004
- Socks on their hands,
no belt, roller skates.
291
00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:55,548
Do you think Liz Lemon
has been acting weird lately?
292
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,080
She's hiding something from us.
293
00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:58,582
- Like what? A present? For me?
294
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,511
Can I return it for cash?
295
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:01,221
- No, this is bigger than that.
296
00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,097
Something like a
sex-change operation
297
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:06,851
or a secret pregnancy or
a radioactive spider bite.
298
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:09,020
I've got to get her
focus back on me,
299
00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:11,332
or who knows the dumb
stuff I'm going to start doing?
300
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:13,942
- Is that why you're not
wearing pants right now?
301
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,736
- Yes! I'm actually
glad this happened.
302
00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:18,112
You're proving my point.
303
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,132
- Look, if you think
something's going on with Liz,
304
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,199
just follow her.
305
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:23,451
Steal her mail, go
through her trash.
306
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,512
That's what Paul and I
do to maintain intimacy
307
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:26,913
when he's having his period.
308
00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:29,749
- Thanks J-Mo. Great advice.
309
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:33,419
♪ La la la la la la
la, oh, la la la la la ♪
310
00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:35,421
♪ oh ♪
311
00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:49,936
- ♪ Yes, I know the muffin man ♪
312
00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:52,814
♪ he lives on ♪
313
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:58,444
♪ drury Lane ♪
314
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:01,906
- Breathtaking.
315
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:04,659
You're the wind
beneath my wings.
316
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:09,789
- Brock...
317
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:13,793
I... like what you did.
318
00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,337
That was good singing.
319
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,257
You don't have
a little rat face,
320
00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:22,218
you opposite of
a turd with eyes.
321
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:26,190
- Why are you messing
with perfection, Jack?
322
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,546
You need to remember that
reality television is formulaic
323
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:29,976
before you get us cancelled.
324
00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:31,311
Because I will not go back
325
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:33,604
to putting hair
extensions on dogs.
326
00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:35,023
- Easy, D'Fwan.
327
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,733
Yeah, we have a problem,
328
00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:38,345
but we're going
to get through it,
329
00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:39,444
'cause we're family.
330
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:42,030
- It's not working.
You're ruining the show.
331
00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:44,300
- You think I don't know
that it's not working, Jenna.
332
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,075
Next week Jay-Z
was going to do a duet
333
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:47,594
with one of the spinning
chairs from the voice,
334
00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:50,788
and the chair just pulled out.
335
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,666
You're off the leash, Jenna.
336
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:56,044
- Did you see what
happened here?
337
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:59,130
We turned an argument
into an opportunity
338
00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:01,466
to become better friends.
339
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:04,385
All: Aw.
340
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:13,102
- I'll see you in
heaven, Mr. Jordan.
341
00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,855
- Ken, I only have room in
my brain for one problem,
342
00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:17,987
so I'm not really absorbing
what you're saying.
343
00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:21,152
I have to go through Liz
Lemon's trash before she gets in.
344
00:14:21,444 --> 00:14:23,029
- You're at work
before miss Lemon?
345
00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:26,824
Now, that's a sign
of the apocalypse.
346
00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:34,707
Time to die.
347
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:40,314
- You know what, Emma?
That was pretty good.
348
00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:42,338
You were trying to get
me to commit suicide, right?
349
00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,349
- Liddy, thank
you for coming in.
350
00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:53,285
I know you have to read
your books with sleepy bear
351
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:56,145
in half an hour, so
I'll make this brief.
352
00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:59,899
You're almost one now,
and you have to understand
353
00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:02,777
the way the world works.
354
00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:05,422
Now, I don't know if you've
seen America's Kidz Got Singing,
355
00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:06,155
but it's a hit.
356
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:07,740
Variety called it "boffo,"
357
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:10,827
and they don't throw
that word around lightly.
358
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:12,879
However, there are
large portions of the show
359
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:14,598
that feature Jenna
insulting children
360
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:16,833
not much older than yourself.
361
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:17,542
I know what you're thinking...
362
00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:19,836
"do you really care
about the bottom line
363
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:21,928
"more than the feelings
of helpless innocents?
364
00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:24,006
"That's cruel." Well,
guess what Liddy.
365
00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:25,298
Life is cruel.
366
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:28,010
Sometimes in business,
there's collateral damage.
367
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:29,446
And if you think I'm
going to turn my back
368
00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:34,183
on a 10.2/4.2 in the demo
just because I feel bad...
369
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:38,521
Just because those kids had the
same scared look on their faces
370
00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:39,856
that you had when that dog
371
00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:42,108
got too close to your
stroller in the park.
372
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:42,900
And yes, being a parent
373
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:46,571
is like wearing your
heart outside your body.
374
00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:48,573
And I don't want you
to know that the world
375
00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:51,242
is really a scary,
disappointing place.
376
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,411
You shouldn't have
to know that, not yet.
377
00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:56,080
Oh, god.
378
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:59,417
I have to cancel the show.
379
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,169
What are you doing, Liddy?
380
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:06,883
Are you touching my hand
because... You're a baby
381
00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:09,343
and you're developing
your fine motor skills?
382
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:12,054
Or are you trying to
tell me something?
383
00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:13,532
What are you trying to tell me?
384
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:13,973
- Mommy.
385
00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:16,267
- Did you say "money"?
386
00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:17,894
Is that your first
word... money?
387
00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:19,770
- Mommy.
388
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:21,397
- Yes, money.
389
00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:23,489
Are you telling me that
money's more important
390
00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:24,108
than doing what's right?
391
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,277
That I should keep
on doing the show?
392
00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:27,278
- I want mommy.
393
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:28,988
- I want money too!
394
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,491
Oh, thank you, Liddy.
395
00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:34,494
Thank you for convincing
me to do the right thing.
396
00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:36,120
Aw.
397
00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:37,764
- Hey, think how
disappointed I am.
398
00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:39,415
I mean, I'm the...
399
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:45,129
I'm the one who had to
nude-baptize all those teens.
400
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:45,922
- Hey, buddy.
401
00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:48,841
- Are you here to
make fun of me, sir?
402
00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:51,469
Well go ahead, make fun
of the super-handsome guy
403
00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:53,429
who believed too much.
404
00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:55,041
- I don't want to
make fun of you.
405
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:56,241
I know you're disappointed.
406
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,351
I just wish I had a magic wand
407
00:16:58,643 --> 00:16:59,745
to make it all... gah!
- Ah, Kenneth,
408
00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:02,271
it's all real. The
beast is here.
409
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:05,149
- Aah! Redire ad abyssum!
410
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:06,441
Princeps tenebrarum!
411
00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:07,860
- Ow! It's me, Lutz.
412
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:08,861
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
413
00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:10,153
Stop.
414
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:13,199
Toofer. Frank. Get out here.
415
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:17,328
You three are in a time-out.
416
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,163
Everybody in the Van!
417
00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:27,414
- Liz Lemon is a crack whore.
418
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,881
- Probably not, but continue.
419
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:30,508
- It's the only explanation.
420
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,094
She's on a ho stroll to
pay for her drug habit.
421
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:34,971
I followed her last night, J.D.
422
00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:36,973
She went down to Penn station.
423
00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:40,434
And not the fun stationery
store up on the Upper East Side.
424
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:42,228
The skeezy one with trains.
425
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:46,023
- Well, there has to be
some other explanation.
426
00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:47,900
Are you sure it was Liz Lemon
427
00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:49,472
and not present day Sally Field?
428
00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:50,652
- I know it's crazy.
429
00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:54,949
But ever since we got
back from Kwanzaa...
430
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:56,993
She's been acting all weird.
431
00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:58,325
All relaxed and not angry.
432
00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,079
- Well, it has been two days,
433
00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:01,723
and she hasn't
once stormed in here
434
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,333
carping about how all
the destructive hurricanes
435
00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:06,210
get female names.
436
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:07,502
But it can't be drugs.
437
00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:11,465
- Then how come I
found this in her trash?
438
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,968
- Oh, Tracy, this is dexoprex.
439
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:15,970
My mother takes
it for joint pain.
440
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:19,140
Her wrist was starting to bother
her from slapping busboys.
441
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:20,975
- So it's not the
bandito blanco?
442
00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:22,810
A name for cocaine
I just made up?
443
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,187
- I know Liz Lemon better
than she knows herself.
444
00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:27,189
Why would she need
joint pain medication?
445
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,900
And why would she be
meeting people down by...
446
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,153
Tracy.
447
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,864
What building is right
next to Penn station?
448
00:18:35,156 --> 00:18:37,408
- The Manhattan center
for penis enlargement?
449
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:39,285
I know because my
friend goes there.
450
00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:40,244
His name is Tracy.
451
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:43,998
- Madison square garden.
452
00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,228
Did you know that
Lemon attended college
453
00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:51,047
on a partial jazz
dance scholarship?
454
00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:52,608
And do you know
what event was held
455
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,133
last night at Madison
square garden?
456
00:18:54,425 --> 00:18:57,011
- A crack whore convention?
457
00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:58,303
- No. Worse.
458
00:18:58,429 --> 00:18:59,889
- ♪ Every person dance soon ♪
459
00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:02,141
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
460
00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:05,936
the WNBA's most
popular dance team,
461
00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:08,189
"the timeless torches."
462
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:14,236
- ♪ Dancing torches dance soon ♪
463
00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:22,370
♪ ♪
464
00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:28,959
- Oh, god! So much grapevining!
465
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:37,385
- It's so beautiful.
466
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,261
A mermaid!
467
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:41,263
- Dude, those are diapers.
468
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:50,690
- So that's why you've been
so happy and distracted lately.
469
00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:55,111
The Joy of movement,
exercise, 10% off arena snacks
470
00:19:55,403 --> 00:19:56,779
with your torch card.
471
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,407
And who figured
the whole thing out?
472
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:02,368
- The man who knows me
better than I know myself.
473
00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:05,788
Pull over here,
please. This is me.
474
00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:09,664
- Ah, going to the movies.
475
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:12,336
Let me guess: You're going
alone, to the 9:10 showing
476
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:15,214
of garry Marshall's
new year's Eve.
477
00:20:15,506 --> 00:20:16,866
You've waited
five weeks to see it,
478
00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,566
to make sure that
you wouldn't contribute
479
00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:20,237
to it being the number
one movie in america.
480
00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:22,263
You'll say you're
seeing it ironically,
481
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:25,224
and yet you'll tear up
when Ashton kutcher
482
00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:27,143
kisses Lea Michele.
- You know me.
483
00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:31,647
I love it when the
swarthy girl gets the guy.
484
00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:39,447
- ♪ The camptown ladies ♪
485
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:42,324
♪ sing this song ♪
486
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:45,703
♪ doo-dah ♪
487
00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:48,205
♪ doo-dah ♪
488
00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:52,501
♪ the camptown racetrack's ♪
489
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:55,337
♪ five miles long ♪
490
00:20:55,629 --> 00:21:02,928
♪ oh, doo dah day ♪
491
00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:08,184
♪ gonna run all night ♪
492
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:12,938
♪ gonna run all day ♪
493
00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:16,859
♪ I bet my money ♪
494
00:21:17,151 --> 00:21:20,780
♪ on a bobtail nag ♪
495
00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:24,992
♪ somebody bet on the bay ♪
496
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:26,911
♪ somebody, somebody ♪
497
00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:32,208
♪ somebody bet on the bay ♪
498
00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:35,628
- A disgusting disappointment.
499
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,340
- My name is Bob.
I'm 61 years old.
500
00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:43,260
My favorite move is
the shoulder shake.
501
00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,763
- My name is Joyce.
I'm 63 years young.
502
00:21:46,055 --> 00:21:49,058
My favorite move is the Dougie.
503
00:21:49,350 --> 00:21:51,143
- I'm Liz. I'm 39,
for the third time,
504
00:21:51,435 --> 00:21:54,396
and my favorite
move is sunset arms.
505
00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:56,482
- Hi, I'm Lewis.
I'm a grandfather
506
00:21:56,774 --> 00:21:57,834
from the Dominican Republic,
507
00:21:57,858 --> 00:22:00,569
and my favorite
move is the lift.
508
00:22:02,404 --> 00:22:03,404
- Sorry, Lewis.
509
00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:05,115
- Nice try, Liz.
510
00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:07,993
Dance like nobody's watchin'!
38552
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