All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S05E20E21.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- This better be
important, Jack.

I was in the middle of bidding

on a bag of bras on eBay.

- Lemon, Hank
Hooper is on his way

up from Philadelphia,

and he wants to
meet with both of us.

- Why does he want to meet me?

Do you think it's a good thing?

- It's not, hon.

I saw that in a movie once,

but in the movie,
the guy was dead.

Nice tie, Jack.

- How long have you been there?

I was sitting in that
chair a minute ago.

- Nope. That was me.

What can I say? I
smell like leather.

And you must be Elizabeth Lemon.

[Chuckles]
- Oh.

- Well, I'll be bake mcbrided.

I know a Philly
gal when I hug one.

Now, Elizabeth, I like to
look someone in the eye

and smile when I say that
what you're doing is bad.

It's just horrible.

Without Tracy, your
show is like my cholesterol.

The numbers are killing me.

So I'm gonna cancel TGS.

- Hank, as you know,

tonight is TGS's 100th episode.

And we've been getting
some good media buzz.

Got on Wikipedia this week.

- So you did 99 shows
against all odds and reason.

That's something.

Now it's time to rest.
- Really?

You want to cancel the
only show on your network

starring a 42-year-old woman?

A show that is number
one in its time slot

among men 18 to 49

months left in prison?

I thought this
company was a family,

but I guess it's
that Austrian family

and I am the girl
in the basement,

and you are the dad
who has been brutally...

- thank you, Lemon.

What Liz is
neglecting to tell you

is that Tracy Jordan is back.

- Oh.

Well, that's something.

- And I would consider
it a personal favor

if you would let them
do the 100th episode

and then reevaluate
the show with Tracy in it.

- All right.

You get one more shot.

Just like the army
doctor said to me

after my weekend in okinawa.

[Laughs]

You know, Jack, I'm
amazed at how much

you will stick your
neck out for your people.

It's no wonder you're here
with us good folks at Kabletown

instead of running ge.

They're mean.

Jack Welch once
smacked a pretzel

out of my hand
at the super bowl.

- Is Tracy back?

I'd hate to think I
just lied to Hank.

- Geez, I'll get it done.

You know I'll do
whatever it takes.

Lemon-style.

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

[Crowd groaning]

But you're gonna get
me another sandwich

or I'm gonna cut
your face up so bad

you'll have a chin.

- I will waste you!

- You'll have to go
through this old bastard first.

And I don't
really think it's fair

for me to be on a jury
because I'm a hologram.

- What is the holdup with Tracy?

I thought you found him.

- I did find him,
but he's still crazy.

He thinks he can't
be funny anymore

because now he's
a big Oscar winner.

People respect him too much.

He told me he feels like a
Bartram's scrub-hairstreak

trying to crawl back
into its silky cocoon.

Which is a butterfly
metaphor, by the way,

and not, as I first thought,

a list of African-American
hair products.

- Well, you just need to
turn the beautiful butterfly

back into a drunk,
incompetent caterpillar.

- And I have a plan.

I booked him on every
morning show in New York.

Tracy will destroy all his
goodwill in time for rehearsal.

I've been prepping him all week.

[Imitating Regis Philbin]
So, Tracy Jordan,

my wife Joy and I
were at mar-a-lago...

- Jesus was black!

- Just get him back
in time for the show.

I have a very full plate.

- Really? Is it
from that pie place?

- And I'm tired of going to bat

for you and your show.

- Oh, okay. Fine.

But just to be clear...

- there is no pie.

- Okay.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Who wears a
swimsuit to Denny's? ♪

♪ That's her ♪

- ♪ that's me ♪
- ♪ that's Pam ♪

- The overly-confident,
morbidly obese woman.

I can't sit in a booth!

- And cut.

Congratulations, everyone.

In 100 shows, we've
done Pam 107 times.

- Can you believe
it's been five years

since we first
started doing this?

- Um, that wasn't me.

There used to be another guy.

- I don't think so.

- Happy 100th
show, miss Maroney.

- Danny and I were
just talking about

what an amazing
five years we've had.

I will choke you to death
with your boyfriend's wig!

Give me back my man, bitch!

- Can you reminisce
about something

that's happened
since I've been here,

'cause I couldn't
see any of that.

- I'll never forget
what you said to me

after that first
show, miss Maroney.

Terrific show, ma'am.

If I know anything
about television,

the girlie show is a hit.

- Oh, please.

If this Turkey
goes 100 episodes,

I'll have your baby.

I said that?

I was so young.

- Wait. I saw that.

How? Am I dead?

- Well, it's been 100 episodes.

I better lay you across
my grandmother's lap

in the mating shed.

- [Chuckles]

- But seriously,
imagine if Jenna

really was a mother.

- It would be horrible.

The only thing I want
latched to my fun bags

are celebrity DJs.

- I don't know, miss Maroney.

I think you'd make
a wonderful parent.

You could sing the baby to sleep

and tell it fairy tales and
act out all the witch parts.

- You're serious?
You albino goon.

- I wish. Albinos
get to be watchers

in the mating shed.

- I can't even
imagine you pregnant.

A picture of you in US Weekly

next to Natalie Portman
in the same maternity outfit.

"Who wore it best?"

- I did. I wore it best.

A baby gets you attention.

- Listen up, friends.

It's pep talk time.

I'm not gonna
sugarcoat anything here.

If we don't get Tracy back

and do the best show
that we've ever done,

we're cancelled.

- So we're counting on Tracy?

Forget it.

- Frank, put that hat back on.

Look, we've been
through bad times before.

All right.

- [Screams]

- Ride it straight to hell!

- Here come the roofies.

- Where's my Mac and cheese?

And we've had some good times.

- Who wants... my puddings!

- And I know what
you are all capable of.

This is your moment.

Tonight, TGS will not be
the worst thing on television.

It'll be John stossel.

Who's with me?

[Cheers and applause]
- Yeah!

Let's do it.

- Good job.

- [High-pitched murmuring]

- Gas leak, huh?

[Scoffs] Great.

Damn it.

Why now?

On my last day
before retirement.

Here. Let me show
you guys something.

That's my girl.

We're getting married
when I get out of here.

Why am I showing you guys this?

It's gonna jinx everything.

Plus you're a couple of pervs.

- [Clicks mouth]

- Should be all right
as long as the leak

doesn't get into...

Ah, damn it. Look at this.

It's going right into
the sixth floor air duct.

Damn it again!

Well, we're gonna have
to evacuate the sixth

until this thing's
taken care of.

Who's up there? TGS?

Isn't that show
already half-dead?

[Laughter]

- Who wants to kiss?

- What do you say
we get some fresh air?

- Jack, we have a problem.

There's a gas
leak in the studio.

- Do you know what
I find fascinating?

- Mystery novels
written by janitors?

- How everyone who
comes through my door

seems to want to talk about TGS

as if it's also the
only thing in my life.

Now, I may not
be the head of ge,

but that doesn't mean
I'm not a very busy man.

- I've got other things
going on too, you know.

See? I got a new hair.

It's white and it hurts, but...

- how bad is this leak?

- It's pretty bad.

Prolonged exposure
could lead to incapacitation

or even death.

Other possible
side effects include

hallucinations,
revelation of secrets,

telling of truths, flashbacks,

headaches, nostalgia.

[Scoffs]

Can you believe this
is happening to me

on my last day of work?

My last day.

I don't know if there
was a party planned...

- evacuate the sixth floor.

I don't care if anyone dies.

I refuse to have long,
gas-induced conversations

with any of you people.

- Boy, you know, over
the past five years,

we've had a lot
of crazy characters

and guest stars drop by TGS.

- Thank you, Pete.

- Thank you, Pete.

- I can't believe it's
been 100 shows.

More like 100 little strokes.

[Laughs]

[Sobbing]

You know, the girlie
show was working just fine,

and then Jack came along
and forced me to hire Tracy,

and now look at us.

Oh, life was so much
simpler back then.

I had a boyfriend. Dennis.

Sure, he was an idiot,
but he made great chili,

and he didn't care if I
watched TV during sex.

- [High-pitched squealing]

- Yeah, maybe I
was better off then.

[Laughs and cries]

- Liz, we have to
evacuate the floor.

There's a gas leak.

- What? What about the show?

- Everyone,
evacuate immediately.

This is not a drill.

The gas is not affecting me yet,

so I can lead you to safety.

Just follow these...
Troll penises!

Oh, god! What have I done?

- He is an Oscar
winner for his role

as D'Jeffrey "Lucky" Seeda
in the movie hard to watch.

[Cheers and applause]

Please welcome Tracy Jordan.

[Cheers and applause]

Tracy!

Tracy.

Tracy?

- Why don't you shut your mouth,

back that ass up and
make me a sandwich?

- He's awesome.

You are still in character

as the verbally
abusive D'Jeffrey.

I mean, he's become
such a part of him.

- So, Tracy Jordan.

- You asked to come on our show

because you had a revelation

about your post-Oscar
trip to Africa.

- I lied to all you
ugly white ladies.

I didn't go to Africa.

I was hiding in a
warehouse in queens,

watching vintage pornography.

- I love your honesty.

[Cheers and applause]

- It's because you didn't feel

like your authentic self

that you walked
away from success.

That's actually very
brave. Don't you think?

- No! It's unbrave!

You should hate me!
- I can't.

You fly free.

I'm a bird in a cage.

Hey, you got to stay around.

We've got our no-cook
cooking, hair make-unders.

- What does that even mean?

- It's new haircuts,

but you can make
salads with them.

- [Screaming]

- A true artist...

He feels things we don't.

This is today on NBC.

- No, we can't do another Pam.

Not tonight.

Frank, what is this?

"Broken eyboard alk show"?

- I write what I know.

Also I broke my keyboard.

- No, we're throwing
everything out

and starting over.

Only home runs, guys. Focus up.

- It's just hard to concentrate.

It's so nice working outside.

- [Retching]

[Cell phone vibrates]

- Tracy, how'd it go?

Are you on your way back?

- It was a disaster!

- What happened?
What about our plan?

- I'm so beloved,
I can do no wrong.

Now everyone's after me.

Unicef, the gates foundation.

And what is farm aid?

Is it a drink? Is it a drug?

Is it a bandage
you put on a barn?

See, that's the
kind of lazy stand-up

I'll never do again.

- Tracy, just come back,
do the show tonight,

and we'll figure all this out.

- F-u, L.L.

Spells "full," because
you're full of B.S., Liz Lemon.

- Listen to me.
There's still time.

The media won't let
you embarrass yourself.

Be like Michael McDonald
and take it to the streets.

Get the public to hate you,
and the media will follow.

And then you'll get
your old life back.

Trust me.

- You better be
right, Liz Lemon,

'cause I can't take
much more of this.

I think Bono got in my limo.

- Liz!

Do you think I'd
be a good mother?

- [Spits]

No.

And I wasn't even
drinking anything.

- I just feel like I'm
at a point in my life

where I'm starting to
have this real desire

to nurture... My career.

I think pregnancy would
be a great PR move.

- Oh, my god.

You want a baby
to help your career?

- Look, TGS may be going away.

Being pregnant is a great
excuse for why I stopped working

instead of the truth.

I'm in my 40s, very difficult,

and not that good
at playing la realite.

- Jenna, think about this.

You will have a child.

- Who will grow up to
be a little gay fancy man.

- Well, good luck finding
a man willing to ride

that crazy train.

- I'll have you know I talked
with a man this morning

who thinks I'd be
a wonderful mother.

- He must be an idiot.

- He is an idiot.

What about a sketch about
how the empire state building

is controlling us
with electricity?

Come on, get out of here.

- [Grunts]

Just maybe one more turn.

Then I can go home
to my sweetheart.

I told her boy
I'd hit a home run

for him tomorrow night.

Here we go. [Grunts]

[Gas hissing]

Damn it!

I'm getting too old for this

"shh" sound that
comes from this gas pipe.

- Who are you?

You're so handsome.

- I'm Jack Donaghy,
CEO of general electric.

The question is: Who are you?

- I'm Jack Donaghy.

- You were Jack Donaghy.

You were magnificent.

- I'm still magnificent.
- No.

I come from an
alternate universe

in which I followed our plan

for world domination.

I run the general.

I own an NFL team.

I guest-starred on entourage.

What do you do?

- I'll tell you what I don't do.

Wear a striped tie
with a striped shirt.

- It's called "power clashing"

and I do it because I can.

I wore this on the January cover

of meetings magazine.

- We made the cover during
meetings history month?

- I made the cover.

What happened to you, Jack?

You were supposed to
spend six months in TV

as part of your climb
up the ge ladder.

You've been here five years.

And here... [Laughs]

Isn't even G.E. anymore.

It's kableclown.

- "Town," Donaghy,
and that's not funny.

- It was funny when I said it

on my syndicated radio show.

- You bastard.

I'm doing fine!

- You used to be a shark.

- I still am. Look at my claws!

- Sharks don't have claws.

You don't even know
what a shark is anymore!

- Oh, god.

- Do you know why?

- No.

- Liz... lemon.

- Lemon?

- She became your focus

at the expense of
your own ambition.

You should have
realized within a week

that Lemon was a black hole,

unworthy of our mentorship.

And now it's five years
later, and what are you doing?

Are you building
factories in Bangalore?

Are you dining in the
Palin white house?

- No.

- You're approving
TGS wrap gifts.

Baseball caps with stupid
sayings from the show

written on them.

What the hell is a "pwomp"?

- It's when two fat people...

- I don't care!

What's happened to you?

To us?

We make me sick. [Knock on door]

- Mr. Donaghy?

- What?
- Yes, Tom?

- The gas leak has
spread to this floor.

You got to clear out before
you start seeing things.

- Thank you, Tom.
- I'll clear you out!

- Oh, okay.

The real Jack Donaghy
could handle a little gas leak.

(Chuckles)

(Sniffs)

- I am a jedi!

- Hey, look.

Tracy Jordan is
ironically reappropriating

his bad past behavior
as a commentary

on Fitzgerald's dictum that
there are no second acts

in American life.

I want to take a picture of him

with my old-fashioned camera.

- No! No!
- Ah!

[Splash]

Help! I can't swim!

- Damn it!

He just pulled me
out of the water

and said "don't tell
anyone I did this."

I didn't even get a chance to
congratulate him on his Oscar.

Modesty and heroism:

Two words forever
synonymous with Tracy Jordan.

- "Tracy Jordan
saves drowning man"?

Ah, come on!

- Why is Tracy off
rescuing people?

Why isn't he here?

- He will be, I promise.

And we need to be ready.

Lutz, what are you working on?

- Breathing through my mouth

so I don't smell the
throw-up on my shirt.

[Gagging]

I would take my shirt off,

but I visited my rescue chimp

for his birthday last week,

and another chimp got
mad and bit my nipple off.

He played with it,

and then he kissed it,

and then he ate it.

- Damn it, Lutz. Focus up.

Where's my computer?

Cerie, did you not bring
my computer down?

- You said you were writing.

I've only seen you
use that computer

to look at pictures
of Nate Berkus.

- Ah! Pwomp!

Hey, Jack, you're friends

with jeter and
Springsteen, right?

Can you call and see if
they'll be in the cold open?

They'd have to kiss.

- Oh, really, Lemon?

You still need my help?

Five years of my
business life wasted,

and I'm still supposed
to hold your hand.

Your wet, yet
somehow flaky hand.

- What just happened?
- You happened.

Sideways Jack was right.

- Sideways what?

- In here!

- Did you also have to
evacuate the NBC store?

- No, it's just empty.

This TV nonsense

was supposed to be
my stepping stone,

and instead, it's my gravestone.

And do you know
whose fault that is?

- Sort of feel like
you're gonna say leno.

- You.

I got so sucked into
trying to repair you

that I became the
American auto industry,

failing to recognize that
you can't fix a Lemon.

- Wow, yeah, because
the last five years

have been so great for
me with you as my mentor.

I was better off before we met.

- So what's your point, Lemon?

You'd rather be
doing the girlie show

and going home to Dennis?

- I didn't say that.

But at least Dennis
was always there for me.

He's the only guy I
can say that about.

I dragged you down?

Opposite!

- I should have gone with my gut

and fired you when we first met.

- What? Flashback, please.

- Uh, Pete, hang back.

- Yeah, you bet.

- We have a problem.

- I can explain.
My zipper broke.

- I don't think Liz
Lemon's female voice

is a good match
for Tracy Jordan.

Firing Lemon will send a
message to the whole staff.

- No, no, you can't fire Liz.

This show is her life.

She hasn't got much going on.

She threw a birthday
party for her TV.

If you fire Liz, then...

Then I quit.

- You'll never succeed
by sticking your neck out

for someone like her.

But if that's how
you feel, so be it.

The important thing
is that I fire someone...

Pete.

- You tried to fire me?

And then a week
later, you're like,

"oh, I want to mentor you.

Unlikely friendship."

Who do you think you are?

- I'll tell you who I was.

That guy that fired Pete.

And he could have run ge,

but instead, he got lemoned.

- I should have
fired you from my life.

- I knew you were
supposed to push,

but I didn't say anything.

- Ugh.

- Mmm.

The msg is delicious today.

- I'm so glad that you're
able to meet me on my break.

Is this just to talk, or
will you be activating

my electric underwear?

- Just to talk.

Paul, do you think
I'd be a good mother?

- Of course not. And
I'd be a terrible father.

I mean, what if we had a child

that was prettier than us?

We'd have to
leave it in a desert.

- But Kenneth thinks
I'd make a good mother.

- Oh.

Is that something you want?

- Wasn't something
I thought about

until Kenneth said
I'd be good at it.

And of course, it'd
be great for my career.

Everyone would talk about
my crazy name choice.

Right now, it's between
"frisbeeface" and "glock,"

gender irrelevant.

- I love you, Jenna Maroney.

I want to hogtie
you and hide you

in the luggage compartment
of a greyhound bus

with just a bowl of dirty water.

- I love you too.

- But I don't know.

I mean, Kenneth Parcell
may be the only man

in the world who thinks
you should have a child.

Break's over, Paul. Crew
meeting in lady chanterelle's office.

He's pissed.

- Hey, dummy.
- Gah! What?

- Whoa. You look good.

You lose weight or something?

Your neck, it looks looser.

- What are you
doing here, Dennis?

- I got your message.

- What message?

[Phone beeps]

[Recorded message]
Dennis, it's dummy.

I miss you.

Come see me.

[Air hissing]

Things were better
five years ago, Jack.

I was in my 30s and everything.

[Line ringing]

- Whazzup!
- [Laughs]

- You've reached
Dennis' voicemail.

[In New York accent]
"How you doing?"

[Regular voice] Get
out of here, Joey.

I'm recording my
voicemail message.

- [Laughs]

Is that real?

Okay, I did call you,

but I was not in my right mind.

I mean, how could I be, to call
you after everything you've done?

Good evening, sir, I'm Chris
Hansen with dateline NBC.

Can I ask you what
you're doing here tonight?

Yeah, I'm here to boff
some chick named Mary.

Hey, threesome?
How about it, huh?

It's Tonya, right?
It's wonderful service.

Could you maybe not hit
on the waitress in front...

Chew and screw! Run, dummy!

Ugh! Damn it, Dennis.

I checked a coat.

- But you called me, Liz.

- Oh, whatever.

- 'Cause down
deep, you still got

all kinds of queer
feelings for me.

That's why I knew someday
you'd be all vulnerable

from a gas leak or a
coma or a super period.

- You're disgusting.

- And I would be there for you.

No, you know what I feel?

You were a mistake that
I made at a time in my life

when I could afford
to make mistakes.

That's what I miss,
Dennis, not you.

- Okay, gang, they
fixed the gas leak.

They're airing out the studio.

We can start heading back up.

- Whoa, hold on a second.

You think I'm just
gonna give up now, huh?

I'm a Duffy, Liz, and us duffys,

we didn't give up when
we got kicked out of Ireland.

We didn't give up when
america sent us back.

And we didn't give
up when Ireland

then just set us adrift
on a log, all right?

Come on, it's not over, Liz.

- What a day!

Miss Lemon's gonna
get Mr. Jordan back.

We're gonna do
the best show ever.

And out on the Plaza,

a bird landed on my apple.

I thought he was gonna
eat it, but he just sat there.

What's next?

A different bird landing
on a different apple?

[Cell phone vibrates]

- Where are you, tray?

- I'm back, Liz Lemon.
- Tracy's back!

- Yeah!
- Yes!

- I'm gonna need
an Obama cold open,

a fart doctor, and
you know what?

Write up that Bum's
empire state building idea.

- Fart doctor.

- No, I mean I'm back
to where I was yesterday.

I can't get anyone mad at me.

I even called a
women's basketball team

"nappy-headed
hos," but apparently,

I'm allowed to talk like that.

Why?

- Tracy, come on.

- Tracy Jordan?
Why isn't he here?

- [Stammering]

- I just had a meeting
with news down on four.

Brian Williams sure gets
close to you when he talks.

Very feminine energy.

Anyway, I thought
I'd just swing by

and introduce myself
to Tracy Jordan, but...

- ah! He is here.

You know, he just
likes to learn his lines

in the bathroom and
communicate by phone.

Actors, am I right?

- You know, I once had to
speak to the screen actors guild.

Bunch of nutjobs.

But you couldn't make
movies and TV without 'em.

[Laughs]

I'm just kidding!

I mean, look at
march of the penguins.

Who was in that?

Good luck tonight.

You're gonna need it.

- Tracy, you can do this.

You have to be at
the show tonight.

- Tracy who?

I don't even know
who I am anymore.

- Look, you think the world
has turned its back on you?

I know a place
where that's not true.

A place where you can
remember the man you used to be.

A place where you
can eat buffet ribs

while someone's daughter
shakes her crack at you.

Tracy Jordan, I am
taking you to a strip club.

[Loud dance music
and overlapping chatter]

Oh, excuse me, miss.

How much is a lap dance?

I'm a little light on cash,

but I have a PayPal account.

- Oh, my god. Tracy Jordan?

- That's right. Party time.

- When I saw you
in hard to watch...

- No, no, keep it light.

- You inspired me to contact

my biological father.

- No daddy stuff.

- I hadn't spoken
to him in 13 years.

- Maybe show him your butt.
- [Sobbing]

- There are tears falling
on her boobies, Liz Lemon.

I know you've been molested.

That's how we all got here,

but I don't want
to hear about it.

- I just wanted to let you know

that I'm going into the Navy.

Because like you
said in your movie,

"I invent my tomorrow."

- But I wasn't even
supposed to say that.

The line was, "shereen, I
hope Dr. Mogutu has good news

about my endoscopy,"

but I couldn't get it right,

so they told me to improv.

- Come on, guys.

I'm making it rain.

- You see what you've
done, Liz Lemon?

- Tracy Jordan is broken.

It's over.

- Get off Stage!

No whites!

- You wanted to see
me, miss Maroney?

Oh, my.

Candles, incense, disco music.

Someone's getting
into the easter spirit.

- No, Kenneth.

Do you remember that silly joke

about me having your baby?

[Laughter]
- Yes.

So crazy.
- I know.

It's crazy...

Unless you're into it.

- What?

No, ma'am. That would be wrong.

We're not married.

And we're different religions.

- We can do whatever we want.

- Miss Maroney,

I'd do anything for
you or Mr. Jordan,

but this is wrong.

- But, Kenneth, you
might be my only chance.

- [Gagging]

No!

- Fine. I'll get you
when you're sleeping.

It's not rape if neither
party really wants it.

You're back.

- Yeah, and this is my front.

Thanks for setting me up

with another classic quote.

- I borrowed your
whale semen candle.

It didn't work, by the way.

- You can keep it.

I'm just packing
up a few things,

and then I'm gone.

- Wait. Where are you going?

- I'm quitting show business.

I can't stop the
horrible respect

people have for me.

- Tracy, you can't do that.

Look, I would never
say this on the record.

- Of course. This
is all off the record.

- The show needs
you, and I need you.

I'd rather do the show
than have a baby.

- But you don't understand.
- Oh, I do understand.

Look at Roman Polanski.

- No, thank you.

- Or Elia Kazan.

He told the government
his friends were communists,

then got a standing
ovation at the oscars.

- That's crazy.

A man named "Elia."

That's a giraffe's name.

- You know, when
you think about it,

the only celebrities who
completely undo their goodwill

are the murderers.

John wilkes booth, Phil spector,

OJ Simpson, who
texted me earlier today.

- Shoot someone, huh?

Nah. That's crazy, even for us.

- I guess it would take
a pretty big gas leak

to make you think
that was a good idea.

[Laughter]

- All right!

100th episode, 100
hours of comedy.

- Minus the commercials.

- 20 hours of comedy.

- Hey, dummy.
- [Gasps] Damn it.

- Look, Liz,

if this is gonna work
out between you and me,

you should know my
tarantula sleeps on my face.

- Oh, my god.

My show is getting cancelled,

I'm never speaking to
Jack Donaghy again,

and the worst thing that
happened to me today

is that you showed up.

- Ah, 'cause you called me.

- When I was high on gas.

Do you not understand
what that means?

- No, not really.

Gas has no effect on me at all.

When I was growing
up, my school,

Gerry Cooney
Elementary, it was right next

to a gas works in queens.

It ventilated into
the cafeteria.

We got a big
settlement from the city.

Our parents voted
to spend it on a boat

that the families could
share, but then that sank.

But you know what?

I'm still smart enough to know

that I'll never do better
than you, Liz Lemon,

'cause you're a
cook in the bedroom

and a whore in the kitchen.

So I'm gonna give
you one more shot

to admit to me that you
keep bringing me back

into your life for a reason.

- Subhas, take out the trash.

- Don't order me around, woman.

- No, I mean... just...

Dennis, get out.

- You'll change your mind.

- [Sighs]

Let's rock, Duffy.

- You again!

Wait. You're not sideways Jack.

- I'm past Jack,
because I'm from the past

and I'm you.

- Yeah, I get it.
- Do you?

'Cause it seems like

you don't get much of
anything anymore, old man.

If you're my future,
I'm gonna jump.

- Stop him!

If he jumps,

we don't exist anymore.

- I'm perfectly aware of that.

I studied time dilation

and quantum
teleportation in college.

- No, you didn't.
You saw time cop.

- Really? I never saw time cop.

- You will in 2007,
and you'll love it.

Why are you talking like that?

- This is how everyone
talked in the '80s.

This is how Reagan talked.

- Look, there's still
time to fix this, Jack.

You need to kick ass again,

starting with getting
rid of that woman.

- Listen to him.

He's awesome, and
you know he's right.

- Fire Lemon?

I don't know if I can do that.

- Well, then, take this!

Oh, god!

That only hurt me.

Why did I think that
would hurt you too?

- Jack, be the man
you were meant to be.

Me.

This tuxedo is
made out of the puma

that I rode into my
50th birthday party.

- Why are you both
wearing tuxedos?

Both: It's after 6:00.
What are we, farmers?

- Now go get rid of that woman.

- Just want to
check everything out

after your little gas scare.

Well, my pen light is working.

That's good.

Now, can you say
the alphabet for me?

- Well, a very, very heavy...

Uh, heavy, du...
Bertation tonight.

We had a very
dairse... Dareson by...

Let's go ahead and tersh-tayson

letsgotobit anhaddapit.

- Excellent.

My god, Jenna.

Are you pregnant? How?

Did you go swimming
in a public pool?

- No, I got in my head
about having a baby,

and now I'm having a
hysterical pregnancy.

- Well, that's redundant.

All pregnancies are hysterical.

They're started by penises.

- This should be perfect.

I mean, all I want
is the attention.

[Sobbing] So why am I not happy?

I mean, on some level,
do I want to have a baby?

Do I want to be a mother?

Should I be a mother?

- Bored!

- Hey.

Greta Johannsen,
your animal wrangler.

- My god, you're beautiful.

- ♪ If you say
good-bye tonight ♪

♪ all I'll have will
be my memories ♪

♪ so keep on
reaching for the light ♪

♪ I now believe these
are my memories ♪

♪ my memories ♪

[Crash]

- Mr. Jordan, I refuse to
accept this is happening.

You leaving is as
crazy to me as evolution,

or a woman's right
to choose her haircut.

- I'm sorry, Ken, but
maybe Jenna was right.

The only way I could come back

is if I shoot someone,

and that's crazy.

[Gas hissing] Or is it?

Maybe it's a good idea.

- I don't know.

It has a nice,
simple logic to it.

Why don't we take a deep breath

and then both say what
we think we should do.

[Both inhale deeply]

You should shoot me...
- I should shoot you...

Both: On the roof of 30 rock!

[Laughter]

- I only ask one thing, sir.

Make it quick.

- I cannot promise
you that, Ken.

I'm a horrible shot.

- To the roof.

[Elevator bell rings]

- Hey, dummy.
- Hey.

You ready to sign that lease?

You know how we
were talking earlier

about me moving in
with you and how hard it is

to kick a tenant
out in New York?

Just think about it.

I'll make you chili every night.

I'll provide for you.

I have a new business idea.

It's like Netflix, but
you go to a store,

and you pick out your
video from a limited selection.

- It'd be like five years ago.
- Exactly.

I can move my
stuff in tonight, right?

I just have one
duffel bag in a sidecar.

My motorcycle got impounded

from being parked too awesome.

I just need you to sign
this lease I printed up

off the Internet.

- Okay, I need a pen.

- You don't have a pen?

You're a writer, Liz.

All I have is this
kick-ass laser pointer

that I point at nerds'
crotches in the park.

Oh, wait.

All we have is this
kick-ass laser pointer.

- Come on, baby.
Let's go find a pen.

- Okay.

- Oh, no.

- Let me introduce myself.

I am...

- future Jack, obviously.

Is that what we're
wearing in ten years?

- More like 35 years.

- You're 87 years old?

My god, I'm outstanding.

- I like to think so.

I've come all the
way from the future...

Which is a lot harder
than coming from the past...

- whatever, pops.

- To warn you not to
listen to the other Jacks.

In the future, you're happier
than you ever imagined.

You have grandchildren and
a gorgeous polyblasian wife.

That's a new race
that emerges in 2030.

They're incredible.

- What happened to Avery?
- Oh, you'll see.

It's hilarious.

- Yeah, but what about
his, your, our career?

Don't we wanna be this dude?

- Younger mes, business
is only a part of life.

Real happiness...
- Ah, shut up.

Don't listen to his crap, Jack.

If you choose my path,
you'll be plenty happy.

You'll spearhead
ge's development

of the electric vagina.

You won't be married,
but you'll have a house

with a lot of
glass, and it's cold.

And you'll own
the buffalo bills.

- You didn't say
it was the bills.

- Look, right now,

Liz Lemon is downstairs
about to sign a lease

with Dennis Duffy.

If she does that,
you'll lose her.

In three years,
they'll be married

and living in
Jacksonville, Florida,

where he operates an
unlicensed alligator park.

- Jacksonville?

Her hair can't
handle that humidity.

No, I don't care. I'm
tired of saving her.

- To quote Liz
Lemon, "opposite!"

You'd be saving yourself.

The only way to get my life

is to be distracted
from your blind ambition,

and you can't do that

without Liz Lemon in your life.

- Jack, this guy is
just trying to justify

his own bad choices.

Go down there and fire Liz.

Okay.

We're obviously all thinking it,

so I'm just gonna say it.

We're gonna have sex
with each other, right?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, my!

- Lemon, don't sign that lease!

- Why are you here?
- Just sign it, dummy.

It's a receipt for
some lez pants

you bought or whatever.
- No.

If you have a problem,
I will fight you, Dennis.

- That wouldn't be very fair.

I'm only trained to fight
four or more men at a time.

- There are three
more of me upstairs,

and I'd be happy to go get them.

- I can't. I hurt my wrist.

- Hey, people.

Somebody sabotaged the gas line.

People could've
died or had fights.

- What? Who would do that?

Hey, grab that black guy.

- It was you.

- What are you, mad at me, Liz?

Huh? I did it for love.

- You're insane.

- Hey, hey, hey, guys.

Hands off the jacket, all right?

It's from Amar'e Stoudemire's
eveningwear collection.

- If I ever see you
again, I'll kill you.

- Please. You'll be back.

- All right, the
gas is clearing out.

It should be okay
in time for the show.

According to my device here.

Good work, Jennifer.

- Oh, my god, the show. I
gotta load in an audience.

I gotta distribute scripts.

I gotta change Jenna's
blood. I need Kenneth.

- Forget about Kenneth.

I told Hank Cooper that
Tracy Jordan would be here.

Where is the star of your show?

- Right here.

I know you're
talking about Tracy,

but I don't care.

- Tracy and Kenneth
went to the roof

with a gun.

Why?

- Because I gave Tracy the idea

to kill the only man

who would ever
have a baby with me.

[Suspenseful music]

[Upbeat suspenseful music]

- Nothing to see here, Mr. Man.

- No, sir.

- Hello, Kabletown
family members.

And my favorite actress, Jenna.

When TGS gets
cancelled, I mean if,

when TGS gets cancelled,

we need to talk
about your future.

- I know what my
future holds, Hank.

Motherhood.

It's a surprise to me,

but I have so much love to give.

- Well, why couldn't
you be a mother

and do a daytime talk show?

- Well, because the talk
show will be my baby.

I'm not gonna be held
back by some uterus turd.

Let's call my agent.

- Oh, my god. Your stomach.

- For some reason,

I'm starting to
rethink this, sir.

- We all have
doubt, K-tel Records.

But we made a decision.

And we'll look stupid if
we don't follow through.

- Okay.

Just please tell my
mother... [Gun fires]

- My bad. That was an accident.

- Tracy, stop!

- Don't startle me
when I'm holding a gun.

Use your head, Liz Lemon.

- For god's sakes,
Tracy, give me that gun!

Ugh!

Do you have any idea
how much paperwork

I would have to do
if you shot Kenneth?

- I didn't know
that, Jack. I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to get people
to stop respecting me.

- Tracy, you want to
destroy the goodwill you have

so you can go back
to your easy TV job?

- Yes, even more than I
want to shoot Kenneth.

- Then all you have
to do is go back

to your easy TV job.

- What?
- Do TV.

And no one will ever
take you seriously again.

Doesn't matter how
big a movie star you are,

even if you have
the kind of career

where you walked away
from a blockbuster franchise

or worked with Meryl
Streep or Anthony Hopkins,

made important movies
about things like civil rights

or Pearl harbor,

stole films with
supporting roles

and then turned around and
blew them away on Broadway.

None of that will matter
once you do television.

You could win
every award in sight

and be the biggest
thing on the small screen,

and you'll still get laughed

out of the vanity
fair Oscar party

by Greg kinnear.

Tracy, your career
hit rock bottom

the first time you
decided to do TGS.

You want it to hit
rock bottom again?

Go on network television.

- Let's make some TV!

- Yeah.
- We have five minutes!

- Whoa, whoa,
uh-uh. Uh-uh, uh-uh.

I'm sorry, folks.
While we were working

on the gas line, we
somehow broke the elevator.

She's an old building.

You're gonna have
to take the stairs.

[Gunshot ricochets]
- I'm okay!

- Least I made it
through my last day.

Darn it.

- Excuse me. The
elevators are out.

Do you know how...
- Shut up, Garkle.

- Well, if it isn't Jack

and Kenneth and Tracy and Liz.

Hey, I have a bone to
pick with the four of you.

- Screw, Williams!

- Hey, get out of my home!

- Sorry, recurring hobos.

[Laid-back jazz]

♪ ♪

- I'm back, everybody.

You're welcome...

[Panting] For the adventure...

My absence...

Whew...

Provided.

- 30 seconds.

- Liz, I was checking
the cue cards,

and we have a problem.

It all seemed so funny
when they were writing it.

- During Dennis' gas leak.

- Yes, this'll work. Just
flip the top of act two.

Danny can't make the
wardrobe change that quick.

- Best show ever! Yeah!

[Laughter]

- Guys, I don't know about this.

- Oh, my god. We
don't have a show.

- Ten seconds.
- Just start.

I should call Dennis.

[Uproarious laughter]

- Let's meet our contestants.

Dr. Steven poop is a
homemaker and a centaur.

- You did it.

You're picked up for a
million more episodes.

Where am I?

Am I back in Vietnam?

- What charity are
you playing for?

- The grimace
foundation, Jeremy.

Keeping milkshakes purple
for over a million years.

- Hold on. Tracy's
back on TV again?

Clooney, Hanks.

Actor emergency.

Tracy Jordan's doing TV again.

I know, disappointing.

Take him off
the official a-list.

Well, I don't have the password.

Pitt's our webmaster.

Well, then, wake him up.

Oh, they're doing
Pam again? Ugh.

♪ I don't care what
you say anymore ♪

♪ this is my life ♪

♪ go ahead with your own life ♪

♪ leave me alone ♪

- This may be the gas talking,

but I was wrong about Dennis.

You're the guy who never left.

- And this is definitely
the gas talking,

but I'd be a lot worse off

if I'd never met you, Lemon,

and I'm proud to
have you as a mentee.

I mean, look at you.

Endangering the lives
of hundreds of people

for a show that TV
guide once called

"still on."

- I framed that article.

- To 100 more episodes.

- Wow, five years.
It makes you think

about all the fun
we've had together.

- But you know the
single most amazing thing

that's happened over
the last five years?

[Percussive music]

- That is true, sir.

But today does make me
wonder where we'll all be

five years from now.

[Whimsical music]

♪ ♪

[Musical swell]