All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S05E13.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- Go back to the top.
One more time, guys.

- Everyone, I need your
attention... Gather up.

I said everyone,
sketch-tron 6000.

Mr. Hank Hooper, the owner
of our new parent company,

Kabletown, is touring 30
rock for the first time today.

I will make a good
first impression,

so I need all of you to
be your most normal.

Tracy, do not mention where
you think dinosaurs come from.

- Do not mention
the underwater city

of Sauronicon... got it.

- Jenna, get all of
your crazy yelling

out of your system.

- If you don't volumize my hair,

I will choke you to death

with your boyfriend's wig!
- Very good.

Frank, how is your armpit thing?

- Not great. It's almost
touching my thigh thing.

- Okay, let's do our best.

Remember, everyone,
just don't be yourselves.

Lemon, meet me
in my office in ten.

I need to ask you something.

- Oh, do you need sex
advice? Here's a tip.

Sometimes a lady likes
to leave her blazer on.

- Sir, ma'am, this is
for you... a gift bag.

"To my two
favorite sketch stars.

Your new friend, Hank Hooper."

- That's nice.
Actors deserve gifts.

Without us, who would
present awards to actors?

- So... which one of us is
going to get this computer?

Just kidding. We both are!

- Wow, I always
wanted one of these.

The box would
make a perfect coffin

for my Teddy bear.

- There's two of everything!

Look at us. When
we met four years ago,

we were fighting about
the silliest things...

Dressing rooms, air time,

you coming in and
ruining my show...

- You taking my
nephew's virginity.

- I feel we've finally found a
balance in our relationship.

There's only one.

- You take it. I don't care.

I want you to selfishly
take the best sweatshirt

in the world.

- Lemon, this is
a little delicate,

but I wonder if you
might take Avery shopping

for baby things.

- Oh, sure.
- You know, a crib,

small clothes, a tiny desk

with a miniature pen set on it.

I don't know a lot about babies,

but I know that
Avery would enjoy

having another
woman go with her.

- Of course. I'm
just a little surprised.

I assumed Avery would
have a terrifying best friend

she'd do stuff like that with.

- Avery does have a sister,

but eugenia is currently
institutionalized for nerves...

[whispers] Lesbian...

And all of her
work friends are out

because she's still trying

to keep her pregnancy a secret.

- Really? She's eight months.

How is she possibly hiding it?

- Michael kors is a friend.

We own a gay racehorse together.

And I convinced him to make
wizard cloaks fashionable

for ladies this winter.

- It's my fault for asking.

- The problem is that
Avery is very close

to being named
the financial reporter

for NBC nightly news.

If anyone finds
out she's pregnant,

she won't get the job.

- Ah, see, that
would never happen

if men could get pregnant.

Which is the premise
of my one-act play

the seahorses of
warwickshire Abbey

- Avery just needs to keep
her condition under wraps

until her contract is signed.

Unfortunately, her
competition for the job

is Carmen Chao... From MSNBC.

- Oh, I know her. Hey,
what ethnicity is she?

- No one knows.

- In international news,

Mexican president
Felipe Calderon

is traveling this week to China

to meet with premier Wen Jiabao,

and then stopping for a
well-deserved vacation

in Negril, Jamaica, mon.

- If Carmen finds
out Avery's pregnant,

she'll use it to destroy
her. Carmen's very sneaky.

And that's not racist because
I don't know what she is.

- Man, we all lead
such complicated lives.

Hey, do you want to go

to that new popcorn
place for lunch?

- I'm going to the
executive dining room

to meet with Hank Hooper.

I can't wait to shake his hand.

You can tell a lot about
someone by their handshake.

- You are confident.

- And you ate dinner in
front of a mirror last night.

- Carol's away a lot.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- Ahoy there, Jack.

Hank Hooper. Nice to meet you.

I'm a hugger.

No. Doesn't count as a hug

unless it goes on
for ten seconds.

Yeah.

- Well, it is an
honor, sir, to finally...

- I'm no "sir,"
Jack. Call me Hank.

Or "hey, idiot,"
like my wife does.

I'm kidding. She's an angel.

- Hey, Jack.

- What are you doing here?

- No, it's fine, Jack.

Kabletown's a family company,
and where I come from,

families eat together.

This is no longer the
executive dining room.

It's the everyone dining room.

Welcome, everyone.

[Applause]

- This is where we used
to hold retirement parties.

The balcony below
is probably still littered

with stripper bones.

And now there are people
here wearing sandals.

- Yeah.
- Isn't that nice?

- Listen, can I tell
you how happy I am

with the work you've
done for us so far?

It's been outstanding.

- Thank you. And
believe me, I'm not done.

I'm working on something
new right now that I think...

- room for a single?

- Sure.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you know who came
up with the idea for the DVR?

It was the guy who drives
me home every night.

The original name for the DVR

was "the thing
Carlos thought of."

Since then, I make
sure that once a month,

anyone who works here
can pitch any idea they have

to upper management.

- Anyone?
- Mm.

- [Slurps] Mmm.

- I see.
- So I want you

to hear ideas all day tomorrow,

and then report back to me.

I'll be the guy wearing
the bugs bunny tie.

Ha!
- What is this green stuff?

Wipe it off. Wipe it off!

- Ecch, these pregnancy
photos are so tacky.

They're like those knockoff bags

you get in Chinatown.
- Really?

I like my pradort bag.

- Avery Jessup. Que sorpresa!

- Carmen! What
are you doing here.

- Oh, I just love babies.

I love their creepy little hands

and the way they crawl
fast, like a rat monster.

Question is, what
are you doing here.

- Oh, she's here with me.

I'm pregnant, and
Avery is helping me

decide what kind of
baby megaphone to buy.

[Imitates bugle fanfare]
- Really?

You're the pregnant one?
- Yeah.

Some dude jacked me,

and now his sperm is
growing in my stomach.

- That's now how
babies are made.

- We're gonna go. You're tired.

- Oh, you'll find
this interesting.

I'm working on a story right now

about single
mothers in their 40s.

- That's a great idea.
- So you'll be in it?

Why wouldn't you be?

You just said it
was a great idea,

and you're pregnant, right?

So by the law of verbal traps,

you ha veto do it.

- Okay, Carmen,
I'll be in your story.

You can interview me
at the new popcorn place

on 11th Avenue.

- No, we'll do
it at your office.

- Fine. I'll just go to
the popcorn place alone,

even though all their
advertising suggests

it is a place for
groups of friends

to have a good time.

- Hello.

Good sweatshirt to you.

How are you sweatshirting
this sweatshirt?

- Is everything
all right, Tracy?

- I want that sweatshirt!

- No. You can't take
this away from me,

like you took away my show.

And my grandmother's
jewelry chest.

- Was I supposed to throw
up in something of mine?

- You gave this to me.

- And I can take it
back. I'm the star here.

And if there's only
one sweatshirt,

the star should have it.

Look how Gray it is.

Let me just hold
it for one second.

- Well... okay.

But just one second.

You'll never get her!

- Stop! Sweatshirty is a boy!

- Miss Lemon.

Carmen Chao called
about an interview.

Is she doing an expose
on how feminism has led

to a happiness crisis
among educated women?

- No, Kenneth, it's nothing.

I'm gonna call Jack
and make it go away.

- Check this out.

I was up in the
everybody dining room,

sharing a table
with b. Dubs here,

and guess what he told me.

- Okay, gossip alert.

According to my
colleague Carmen Chao,

our friend Liz
Lemon is pregnant.

- [Gasps]

- Dude, is that true?

Are you pregnant?
- Isn't that wonderful news?

Lemon told me this morning
she got jacked big time.

Uh, Lemon, a word?

- What the hell is gong on?

- Thank you for covering
for Avery last night.

But now you're a part of this,

and Carmen Chao is relentless!

Like a bloodhound.
Perhaps literally.

We still don't know
her genetic background.

- So what, now people
think I'm pregnant?

Do I have to do this
mom news story?

- There is no news story.

Carmen isn't getting
anywhere with Avery,

so she's trying
to call your bluff.

- Well, it is called. I
am telling everyone here

that there's no way
I could be pregnant

because I have had my
period for the last 61 days.

- Lemon, please.

Avery's career has
never been more important

because I just don't know
what's happening with mine!

- What? Why?
- Oh...

The everyone dining room,

open office hours,

memos with emoticons in them!

If this is how Kabletown
does business,

I don't know if I
have a future here.

I'm Jack Donaghy!

Don Geiss gave me this watch

for firing a man
on his deathbed!

- So wait, you might leave?

- I don't know if I
can survive here.

So I need you to
fake being pregnant

to help my family.

I'm asking you as a friend.

- How come when
I try to get you to go

to a murder-mystery
party with me,

it's all, "we're business
colleagues, Lemon"?

Ugh, I don't know why I
ever chose you as a friend.

- Let's just be clear
about this... I chose you.

- I heard the blessed news,
Liz. May I kiss your stomach?

- Absolutely not.
- Hello, beautiful.

It's uncle Wutzy.

Oh, hey, Jack, you and I have

a pitch meeting
later. [Clicks tongue]

[Baby talking] You're a baby.

Yes, you are. Yes,
you're a baby...

- hyah!

So that's basically the show.

And my sidekick
is a hot black chick

who can read minds.

- We need a button that switches

from pornography to
basketball immediately.

What you have isn't fast enough.

My kids are starting
to ask questions

that I can't answer.

- This'll just be a minute.

[Quietly] Did you
check the lightbulb?

- Please do not use that tone.

- So much of television
is really not fit for children

or christians or the elderly.

So what if there was a black bar

on the lower half
of your TV screen

that kept you from
seeing bad things?

Like nudity, or soccer.

- Congratulations. Worst so far!

- Liz, I never get anything.

All I want is one sweatshirt.

- Don't listen to
her. She's not me.

- What is going on?

- This is mine.
- The story begins

when dolphins ruled the earth.

- Hey, guys, lay off Liz, okay?

You know she's pregnant.
- Really?

- Yeah. Super-pregnant.
- Congratulations.

I am not interested
in godfather duties.

- Now's not the
time to discuss this,

but I will need to eat
your umbilical cord.

- I'm sorry we were
stressing you out.

We shouldn't do that.

It'll turn the child
into a Dracula.

- I'm sorry.

- You know what,
give me the sweatshirt.

Problem solved.

Now no one gets it.

- Aw, man...
- [stammers]

Pregnant.

Now get out of here!

And hold hands like best friends

on the way out.

Oh, that is like magic.

- People are nice
to pregnant ladies.

I'm gonna run downstairs.
Do you want anything?

Remember, you're eating for two.

- Well, I guess two
egg sandwiches...

Times two is four.

- Good morning!

So how did co-worker
pitch day go, Jack?

- Well, employee pitch day was,

of course, a new
experience for me.

- Oh, speaking of
new experiences,

I ate at an Indian
restaurant last night.

I had naan.

- Sir... I mean, Hank,

I appreciate that you have
your way of doing things,

but so do I.

I am a Six Sigma
black belt ultra,

with the groin
branding to prove it.

- What's Six Sigma? Rock band?

- I'd like to start this meeting

by sharing one of my own ideas.

And after you hear it,
maybe we can agree

that employee pitch
day is time that could be

better spent drinking and
looking out the window.

- Okay, Jack!

You're putting it on the line.

What have you got?

- Hank, what's the one part
of the television experience

that's not perfect?

To me, it's the remote control.

Too easy to lose, right?

- Yes! I lose my
remote all the time.

Grr, couch cushions! [Chuckles]

- What if you didn't
need a remote control

because your remote
control was your own voice?

Television on. Channel, NBC.

- A crew out of the Bronx
called the ace of deuces.

- Amazing.

- I give you voice activation.

- Word from my C.I.
is he got offed by...

- that shouldn't happen. TV on!

Voice activation, or "vo-act..."

- The only wit we
have is some mute kid...

UN-mute!
- My friends at the D.E.A. say

these guys have a
high volume of cocaine...

- Low volume. Low volume!

- First I want to go home
and delete everything

that's on my DVR.
- Oh, come on!

TV mute!

- Jack, it doesn't seem to work.

You got any other notions,

or should we jump
to employee ideas?

- No, no. No. I
have another idea.

What if, uh... What if...

You had a black bar at
the bottom of the screen

that prevented you from
seeing anything dirty?

- I like that.

I like that a lot.

It would allow parents
to eliminate racy content,

like soccer, or a
woman stuffing a Turkey.

That's a real family
company kind of idea, Jack.

And we could sell
ads in the black bar...

Increase our revenue streams!

- You could call it "blabar."

- A-plus work, Jack!

I don't need to
hear anything else.

If that's the kind of ideas
you're bringing... nine, ten...

You will go far, son. Yeah!

- Crap.

Kenneth, we need to talk.

Earlier today, I
told Hank Hooper

about your black bar
concept, and he loved it.

However, I presented
it as my own idea.

- Wonderful! Next topic.

- What? Uh, no.

This is an opportunity for you.

You have me over a barrel.
What are you going to do?

- Not what my uncle does

when he gets a hitchhiker
over a barrel, I'll tell you that.

- This is business, Kenneth.

All bosses steal
from their employees.

But in return, the
employee gets something.

- You didn't steal
anything from me, sir.

Last time I checked,

best friends can't
steal from each other.

Now, stop being a silly Simon.

[Chuckles]

- This isn't how it works!

You're the one
being a silly Simon!

- Carmen, what
are you doing here?

- Well, you didn't call back
to schedule our interview,

so I thought I'd just ambush you

with some pregnancy questions.

I hope you're not unprepared.

- Of course not.

- When are you due?
- April 20th, Hitler's birthday.

- What's your
pediatrician's name?

- Dr. Rufus T. Barleysheath.

- Where was the baby conceived?
- In my vagina.

- What names are
you considering?

- Rufus T. Barleysheath.
- How are you feeling?

- Oh, a little achy
and nauseous,

but I'm hanging in there.
- Are you pregnant?

- No... way that I'm not.

- Owen, screw.

I don't know why you're
doing this for Jessup.

She's a blonde. Don't you
know there's a war going on?

Or are you doing it for
her old man husband?

He's your boss.

- First of all, Jack
means nothing to me.

Shoot him in the throat
and let the dogs eat him.

I don't care.

- What's wrong with you?

- Almost everything.

But let's get back
to the interview.

- We're done with that portion.

I thought it would
be a fun visual

if we got some b-roll of you
taking sexy pregnancy photos

where you bare your stomach

like the pregnant
bitch that you are.

What do you say?

- Let's take some pictures.

- An innovation that is both
family and bottom-line friendly.

Gentlemen, I give you blabar.

- You're really
sexing me right now.

- It's filthy.

[Laughter, applause]

- Jack! Jack!

All: Jack! Jack! Jack...

- [Whistles]

[Elevator bell dings]

- One time, I saw a turtle...

- who the hell do
you think you are?

This is not the way the
world works, Kenneth.

Bosses steal,

and employees
use it for leverage.

So what do you want?
Money? A promotion?

I can get you into a restaurant

where you watch a
child play with a bunny,

then you eat the bunny.

- Isn't that just easter?

And I don't want anything, sir.

I'm just happy to
spend all day here

helping my work family.

- Family. I now work for a man

who thinks like you.

- Does he also solve mazes
by starting from the end?

- I need this, Kenneth. I
used you, now leverage it.

Blackmail me. Demand
to sleep with Avery.

Hit me. Hit me in the face!

- No, sir. Best friends don't...

- I am ordering
you to strike me.

There will be no retaliation,

but if you refuse, you're fired.

- No. I don't even know how.

- Do it! Hit me now!

Oh, damn my Krav Maga
training and lightning reflexes!

Release me, you hillbilly circe!

- I am life.

Revel in the glory
of motherhood!

Gaia flows through me.

Rufus T.
Barleysheath is kicking.

- I knowyou're not pregnant.

Why don't you just admit it?

She's grabbing oil.

Owen... run!

- Look how my belly glistens!

- What's going on, Jack?

I was just about
to hop on my bus

back to Philadelphia.

I don't fly, but I
got my own bus

with a pool table in it.

We'll drive to Branson
together sometime,

take in a Yakov Smirnoff show.

Doesn't Russia sound
like a crazy place?

- Yes, sir.

But before you go, I want
you to meet someone.

This is Kenneth
Parcell, one of our pages.

- Oh, I didn't notice
you there, son.

You do not have
a lot of charisma.

- Kenneth is the one
who came up with

the blabar idea, not me.

I'm sorry I misled you.
- Oh.

Well, Jack, I have
to say I'm surprised.

- Here is my letter
of resignation.

It's probably for the best

since this is obviously
not a good fit.

If you call security
to escort me out,

you should know I
have several pistols

hidden on me.

- Hold on, Jack.
No one's quitting.

I'm impressed you told me that.

You have a reputation,
Jack, as a shark.

Kabletown, we're not
sharks. We're more like...

Whatever the
friendliest fish is.

I'm not a science
guy. The point is,

I wasn't sure how
you were gonna fit in,

but you doing
something like this

tells me we're
gonna be just fine.

- Very well. Good.

- And Jack should
give you something

for that idea, son.
- Finally. Thank you.

Quid pro quo.
- But I don't want anything.

- No? How about a hug?

- You've gotta be kidding me.

- Heh...
- Sir...

It doesn't count as a hug

unless it goes on
for ten seconds.

- You got that right, son.

- One... mississippi...

- That's some good hugging.

- And as excited as I
am to be joining the team

on nightly news,

I will miss my dear
friends here on basic cable.

But, Carmen, you have an
exciting new assignment, right?

- Yes. I will be
covering hurricanes...

- Thank you, Lemon. I owe you.

- If you want to
make it up to me,

I have my eye on a toilet pillow

from a certain
medical supply store.

- Avery and I want
the baby's middle name

to be Elizabeth, after you.

- Oh, Jack, that's so gayballs.

[Knock on door]

- Hey, Liz. Can we
get you anything?

- Do you need some liniment
rubbed on your perineum?

- No, guys, I'm
not really pregnant.

I was just pretending
to help Jack.

- Why would you
pretend to help Jack?

Help him for real.

It takes the same
amount of time.

- No, Tracy, she lied to us.

And she ordered us around

like we were a
couple of normals.

- You will be punished. Can
I have my nunchucks back?

- Or we could call it even.

- Good god!

- I have been punished.
These are yours to keep.

- What? Who's the black guy?

- A bicycle messenger.

- You took your pants off.

- What if there was a
channel that's just the sounds

of people having a party
so you could put it on

when you call your parents?

- You know what
my TV is? A sunset.

- How about a button
you push on your remote,

and you can buy
anything you see on TV?

Like if you're watching
sex and the city,

and you just have to
have Mr. Big's spaghetti.

- What if we executed
someone live on TV?

- And then I pull off my mask,

and I'm a lizard person too.

Blackout. End of episode.