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1
00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:08,091
- Happy new year.
2
00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:09,943
Congratulations on
getting married, sir.
3
00:00:09,968 --> 00:00:11,970
I know I didn't
deserve to be invited,
4
00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,097
so I thought I would
give you your gift now.
5
00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:16,600
- Not if it's a song.
6
00:00:16,892 --> 00:00:19,102
- It's not. It's...
7
00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:21,813
This belt.
8
00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:23,607
- Oh.
9
00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:25,692
Well, the nuptials were perfect.
10
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,861
We rented a villa
on St. Esclavage.
11
00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:30,473
For my second wedding, I just
wanted a five-minute ceremony
12
00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:31,907
surrounded by one giant party,
13
00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:34,284
so the service was performed
14
00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:37,496
by an exiled French
admiral/defrocked minister.
15
00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:42,000
- [Speaking French]
16
00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:44,127
- Well, I'm glad
it went smoothly.
17
00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:45,963
♪ You and I... ♪
- uh, the only hiccup
18
00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:48,048
was that my best man,
19
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,060
deep sea explorer and
raconteur Bob Ballard,
20
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:52,302
took ill after eating
some bad toucan.
21
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:56,223
So, uh, Lemon filled
in as my best man.
22
00:00:56,515 --> 00:00:57,849
- [Laughs hysterically]
23
00:00:58,141 --> 00:01:00,769
- This is from St. Esclavage.
24
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,855
It's my marriage certificate.
25
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:05,983
Oh, good god.
26
00:01:07,943 --> 00:01:09,611
- [Screams at a high pitch]
27
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,573
[Exciting jazz music]
28
00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:20,747
♪ ♪
29
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:31,216
- Liz Lemon, I
want it to be noted
30
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:32,968
that I'm here on time.
31
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,804
This is a new year
and a fresh start for me.
32
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,931
Now I got to go.
33
00:01:38,223 --> 00:01:39,641
- Where are you going?
34
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,933
- I'm hosting the international
pornography awards.
35
00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:43,895
And I have to go get
an insurance physical
36
00:01:44,187 --> 00:01:45,606
so I can fly into the arena
37
00:01:45,897 --> 00:01:48,567
in a penis-shaped parachute.
38
00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:53,614
[Knock at door]
39
00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:55,949
- [Speaking mandarin]
40
00:01:58,076 --> 00:02:01,038
- Hey, what is going on
with Jenna's dressing room?
41
00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:02,890
- Jack rented it out
to an I.T. Company.
42
00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,750
The Kabletown board
is meeting this week
43
00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:07,294
to approve buying NBC, and
he's doing everything possible
44
00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:09,129
to make us seem profitable.
45
00:02:09,421 --> 00:02:12,591
He turned the green room
into an NBC experience store.
46
00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:14,068
And we have to
schedule our rehearsals
47
00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:15,092
around the bat mitzvahs
48
00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:16,887
Jack has booked in the studio.
49
00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:19,222
- When Madison was
born, I said, "Rivka,
50
00:02:19,514 --> 00:02:21,642
my schveltz is filled
with schpoinkis."
51
00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:24,019
- Okay, well, I'm gonna
talk to Jack about this.
52
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,351
I'm sure he's still in a good
mood from the wedding.
53
00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:28,161
- Oh, yeah, how was that?
- Total chaos...
54
00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:29,231
No rehearsal,
55
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:30,317
no program,
56
00:02:30,609 --> 00:02:32,089
the bride wore a
black cocktail dress.
57
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,487
The airline lost my luggage,
58
00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:35,739
and the only place to
buy anything on the island
59
00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:37,111
was at the tennis pro shop.
60
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,493
Luckily, I had the
essentials in my carry-on...
61
00:02:39,785 --> 00:02:41,161
Toiletries, closed-toe shoes,
62
00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:43,389
and the state department-
recommended mosquito head nets.
63
00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:44,873
- I sense more
complaining in you.
64
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,165
- Terrible flower girl.
65
00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:47,560
At four years old,
you should know
66
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:48,811
how to pace your
petal distribution.
67
00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:52,214
Hannah, petal,
step, petal, step.
68
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:53,882
Come on!
69
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,134
And don't even get me
started on the monkeys.
70
00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:58,553
- You! It needs to
see Mr. Donaghy.
71
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,263
It needs to see him right away.
72
00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:02,808
- Get us all our stuff back.
73
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:05,394
[Knock at door]
74
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:08,438
- Hey.
- Elizabeth, shut the door.
75
00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:12,109
Lemon, during my
wedding ceremony,
76
00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:14,611
do you remember being asked
a question by the minister?
77
00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,905
- Yeah. It was something like...
78
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,573
[Babbles in fake French]
79
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:20,265
- And in spite of
not understanding,
80
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:23,078
you responded, "oui."
81
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,610
- Well, one of my new year's
resolutions is to say yes...
82
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,499
Yes to love, yes to life,
83
00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:29,543
yes to staying in more.
84
00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:33,505
- Do you remember signing
this document afterwards?
85
00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,215
- Yeah. The
minister told me to...
86
00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,926
On the epouse line.
87
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,928
Witness.
88
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,222
- Not witness.
89
00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:45,350
No, Lemon...
90
00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:46,268
Wife.
91
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,478
- Mother...
92
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,692
- vous partagez?
C'est tres europeen.
93
00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:56,361
Est-ce que je peux vous
joindre dans votre partage?
94
00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:57,154
- Oui.
95
00:03:57,446 --> 00:03:59,489
They married us by mistake?
96
00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:01,450
- It is a clerical error
97
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,286
that will be rectified
immediately.
98
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,472
- See, this is exactly the
kind of thing that happens
99
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,165
when there is no
order, no planning.
100
00:04:08,457 --> 00:04:11,168
Hitler and Martha Stewart
would have hated that wedding.
101
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:12,812
- Of course, it's
everyone else's fault
102
00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:14,156
that the minister
thought the lady
103
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,356
in the white dress and
the veil was the bride.
104
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,007
- It was a men's tennis shirt
105
00:04:17,299 --> 00:04:18,609
and a government-sanctioned
head net.
106
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:20,010
- You kept holding on to my arm.
107
00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:22,179
- It's hard to balance on sand.
108
00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:24,014
- Who wears shoes on a beach?
109
00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:26,308
- Only rocky and Apollo creed
110
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,143
during the training montage.
111
00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,145
Who cares? You're fixing it.
112
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:32,272
I'm sorry you got
caught up in another one
113
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:33,023
of Liz Lemon's adventures.
114
00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:35,192
- My adventures... I
am the protagonist.
115
00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:38,862
Avery is in China right now
covering an economic conference.
116
00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:40,322
She is not a spy.
117
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,454
I want this taken care
of before she gets back.
118
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:43,992
Divorce papers
are being drawn up.
119
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,911
Try to sign on the right line.
120
00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,538
- Whatever you say, dear.
121
00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:50,248
- Do not. Do not.
122
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,209
- Don't forget, honey,
123
00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:55,712
we have bridge with
the cunninghams tonight.
124
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,089
- Tracy, you are going to die...
125
00:04:58,381 --> 00:04:59,758
- What? No!
126
00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:01,343
- When I tell you
who I'm dating.
127
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:02,636
Squeaky fromme.
128
00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:05,347
She is difficult.
129
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:05,972
Anyhoo,
130
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:07,974
I have the results
of your physical.
131
00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:10,811
Tracy, you are going to die.
132
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,102
- What? No!
133
00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:13,939
- You have no reflexes.
134
00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:15,774
Your blood tastes
like root beer.
135
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:18,276
And some of your bones
appear to have vanished.
136
00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:20,248
Now, I've only ever
seen this kind of thing
137
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,080
on dead people during
operation desert storm.
138
00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:23,907
I actually wrote a report on it,
139
00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:26,701
but my commander refused
to pass it on up to Saddam.
140
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,495
[Chuckles] Kooky times.
141
00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:30,997
- But I can't die,
Dr. Space-man.
142
00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:32,609
Who will be there
to raise my kids
143
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,418
if I'm not around to pay
someone to raise my kids?
144
00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:37,420
- Look, making
even minor changes
145
00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:39,256
to your unhealthy
lifestyle would help,
146
00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:40,674
like diet and exercise.
147
00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:42,926
- Well, we tried.
148
00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:45,136
- Oh, look, I'm sorry, Tracy.
149
00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:46,555
But on the Bright side,
150
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,616
at least your family's
financially set for life.
151
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,475
Now, this could
literally kill you.
152
00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:52,310
Lollipop?
153
00:05:57,482 --> 00:06:00,235
- [Sighs] Thank you for taking
in miss Maroney, Mr. Baker.
154
00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:03,613
We would have asked you sooner,
but we forgot you worked here.
155
00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:05,323
- Thank you for
doing this, Danny.
156
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,450
It's gonna be fun.
157
00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:09,119
- [Laughs] Yeah.
158
00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:11,079
It's like... It's like
we're married.
159
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,371
- [Laughs]
160
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:13,808
Now, don't you
two start bickering
161
00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:14,832
like old married folks.
162
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:18,587
[Laughter]
163
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:24,426
- Are you okay?
164
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,469
- It's just I got a haircut,
165
00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:27,846
and you didn't even notice.
166
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:28,680
- Sorry.
167
00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:30,515
You get your hair
cut every week.
168
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,267
- Excuse me?
169
00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:33,559
I don't like your tone.
170
00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:35,604
- And I don't like what
you've turned into.
171
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,040
- I'm not the one who forgot
our one-minute anniversary.
172
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:39,691
- Finally, as the
merger progresses,
173
00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:42,152
you'll notice some
changes to your benefits,
174
00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:44,863
including new
health care options.
175
00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:49,075
I'm sorry. That should read
"few health care options."
176
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:52,412
[All grumbling]
I've got to redo this.
177
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:53,784
- You have to talk to Jack.
178
00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:55,540
I can't lose my dental.
179
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:58,144
There's a hygienist there whose
boob sometimes touches my ear.
180
00:06:58,168 --> 00:07:00,328
- Yeah, go upstairs and
tell your boyfriend to help us.
181
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,130
- Jack is not my boyfriend.
182
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,299
He is, Dot-Dot-Dot,
183
00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:05,884
my husband.
184
00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:07,176
[All gasping]
185
00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:08,862
- On your wedding
night, did he take you
186
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:09,596
in the French fashion?
187
00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:11,806
- No, there was a
mix-up in St. Esclavage,
188
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,642
and Jack and I are
technically married.
189
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:14,974
- Oh, my god.
[All gasping]
190
00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,705
- Did you hear what
I asked you before?
191
00:07:16,978 --> 00:07:17,687
- Liz, you should know
192
00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:19,814
that NBC has strict
antinepotism guidelines.
193
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,608
If your husband is your boss,
194
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,380
then you're both
going to have to come
195
00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:24,903
to my office and discuss this.
196
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:26,696
- What? No. It's not real.
197
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,841
We're getting a divorce.
- That's what Ann Curry
198
00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:30,450
and Subhas the
janitor tried to tell me.
199
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,869
That was five years ago.
200
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:34,621
- No, it's a mistake.
201
00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:38,124
We are signing
something tomorrow.
202
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:40,710
- Wait, Liz, we can use this.
203
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:42,754
Jack needs a divorce.
You have leverage.
204
00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:44,206
- What are you talking about?
205
00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:45,782
- You don't sign
any divorce papers
206
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,385
until we get the studio
back, our full budget,
207
00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:49,987
our health insurance...
- Pete, I'm not...
208
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,451
- they shut down
your secret bathroom
209
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,961
to save on cleaning costs.
- I have to talk to my husband.
210
00:07:57,602 --> 00:07:59,479
- No, no, Bob, we
made it very clear.
211
00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:02,190
You have to buy NBC
with everything else.
212
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:05,193
Then just don't watch it.
213
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,778
What is it, Lemon?
214
00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:09,114
I'm trying to negotiate
a $30 billion deal.
215
00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:10,907
That's billion with a "b."
216
00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:12,199
Is that right?
217
00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:14,035
That seems like way too much.
218
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:15,888
- Yeah, well, my staff
and I are also trying
219
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,247
to do our jobs, but we can't
220
00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:19,165
without studio space
or health insurance
221
00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:21,376
or those vegetable
chips that I hate
222
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,145
and I keep telling
Kenneth not to get.
223
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,522
- Let me show you
something, Lemon.
224
00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:27,924
This is our NBC
priority pie chart.
225
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,777
The big red part you can
see is the biggest loser.
226
00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:32,053
The yellow slice, our
number-two priority,
227
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:35,265
make it 1997 again
through science or magic,
228
00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:37,076
and the little green
part is everything else.
229
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:39,019
Request denied.
230
00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:41,938
- No. Request denial denied.
231
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:44,149
You have to make TGS a priority.
232
00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:47,694
- Your show netted
$600 last year.
233
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:50,488
Your parents had to buy an ad.
- I don't care.
234
00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:52,949
If I don't get what I deserve,
235
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:56,870
I'm not signing
those divorce papers.
236
00:08:57,162 --> 00:09:01,082
- Are you blackmailing me?
237
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,625
You should think very carefully
238
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,878
about what you're
doing right now.
239
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,421
- I am...
240
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:07,713
Lots.
241
00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:09,049
- Very well.
242
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:11,009
We'll do this
divorce the hard way.
243
00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:12,302
But I'm warning you.
244
00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:13,928
This isn't my first
rodeo, Lemon.
245
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,139
- Well, I've been
to a rodeo too.
246
00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:19,809
It was a cat rodeo in
a gay guy's apartment.
247
00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:36,367
- Hey!
248
00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:38,739
What happened to my poster
of the Montreal alouettes?
249
00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:40,155
It's signed by Marc Trestman.
250
00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:41,539
- Oh, it's tacky, Danny,
251
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,125
just like your mother's
stupid chain emails.
252
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,211
- Oh, here we go.
253
00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:48,421
- Oh, my nails are wet!
254
00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:52,634
- Mr. Hornberger...
255
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,594
Do you and your wife ever fight?
256
00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:56,304
- Not all the time.
257
00:09:56,596 --> 00:10:00,141
After her hysterectomy,
she was in a coma briefly.
258
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,893
- How do y'all make up?
259
00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:05,939
- Ah.
[Chuckles]
260
00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:08,817
Look, Paula and
I love each other,
261
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:12,362
but two people living
together, it's unnatural.
262
00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:13,863
And while our children
263
00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:16,783
are basically snot
silos with BB guns,
264
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:19,494
they do come in
handy as a buffer.
265
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:21,026
- Is that like being a fluffer?
266
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,832
Because I have done
that and did not enjoy it.
267
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,835
Blow-drying animals at
a pet salon is hard work.
268
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:31,214
- No, a buffer is a
protective barrier.
269
00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:34,217
- Like pigs have around
their delicious testicle meat.
270
00:10:34,509 --> 00:10:36,386
- We can't fight
around the kids.
271
00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:38,531
You see them looking up
at you with their little faces,
272
00:10:38,555 --> 00:10:40,056
their hair already receding,
273
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:42,308
and you bite your tongue.
274
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,687
- A buffer.
275
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,273
What is it?
276
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:50,626
- Thanks, Jack, for coming
to this emergency meeting.
277
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:51,850
I'm sorry I'm four hours late,
278
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,265
but my alarm clock didn't go off
279
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:55,947
because it died in a
cockfight last night.
280
00:10:56,239 --> 00:10:57,991
- Tracy, what can I do for you?
281
00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:00,952
- Well, it's come to my
attention that I'm going to die.
282
00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:03,413
- Oh, please, you have
nothing to worry about.
283
00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:05,748
We have Martin
Lawrence on a holding deal.
284
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,877
- Look, I don't want anything
to happen to my husband.
285
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,796
But if it did, we have
a lot of expenses.
286
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:13,506
- Estate planning
is complicated,
287
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,278
what, with the
government taking half.
288
00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:16,466
- What?
289
00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:18,678
That's double taxation.
290
00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:20,597
- I like you, Angie.
291
00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:21,598
How can I help?
292
00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:24,142
- Well, to maintain
our standard of living,
293
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:27,020
I need to be able to earn
as much as Tracy does.
294
00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:28,414
- And if you need to
make millions of dollars
295
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:30,523
but have no real
skills or education,
296
00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:33,526
the best place to do
it is in entertainment.
297
00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:36,070
I mean, look at me. [Laughter]
298
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:40,158
I can't even find
Mexico on a map.
299
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,303
- Things are a little tight
at the company right now,
300
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:44,608
but if you want to learn about
the entertainment business,
301
00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:46,247
I can find you something.
302
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:49,000
- Oh, yeah, I'm willing
to start at the bottom.
303
00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:50,612
There's only one
thing I won't do,
304
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:54,589
and that's take orders
from anyone, ever.
305
00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:58,426
- Hey, Angie, what
are you doing?
306
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,511
- I'm sorry. I'm
not about to cancel
307
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:03,032
my hair appointment with D'Fwan
because I'm your new intern.
308
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,656
- You need to light
some incense in here.
309
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:06,809
- Okay, hang on. Who
said you're my intern?
310
00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:09,062
- It was Jack's idea. I
have to start a career.
311
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:11,731
But I'm gonna need
next week off to go skiing.
312
00:12:12,023 --> 00:12:13,399
What?
313
00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:15,860
- Okay, I see what this
is. Jack's messing with me.
314
00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:17,403
We're having a little fight,
315
00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:19,489
so he sent you here...
- Excuse me.
316
00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:22,367
How is my being
here messing with you?
317
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,459
Do you have a problem
with strong black women?
318
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:25,744
- No! Don't you see?
319
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:27,432
That's the kind of
exchange Jack wants.
320
00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:29,374
Angie, an intern's job
321
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,877
is to do things like make
copies and run errands.
322
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,671
- So I'm like your servant?
323
00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:36,023
- No, because
you're not being paid.
324
00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:38,216
You're really more like...
325
00:12:38,508 --> 00:12:39,092
Oh, boy.
326
00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:41,219
Look, Angie, you don't
want to be an intern.
327
00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:43,263
- Don't tell me what I want.
328
00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:45,824
- And I don't really have time
to mentor someone right now,
329
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:47,308
so I don't think
this is a good idea.
330
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:48,935
- I don't understand.
331
00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:51,479
- That white girl
just fired you.
332
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:52,897
- Come on, D'Fwan,
333
00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:54,440
be a buddy.
334
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:58,403
[Loud tapping]
335
00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:02,323
- Hey.
336
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,909
Idiot, don't touch the...
337
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,494
Nothing.
338
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,621
Love you.
339
00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:10,290
[Smooching]
340
00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:13,251
- Look, I made
this picture of us.
341
00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:14,669
- Did you draw that?
342
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:17,588
You might need help.
That's awful for an adult.
343
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,382
- Well, I think it's
great, Kenneth.
344
00:13:19,674 --> 00:13:22,343
You should hang it on the wall.
345
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:26,639
- Careful!
346
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,516
- Don't coddle the boy.
347
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,811
He can do it.
348
00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:33,354
All: Aah!
349
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,690
- Oh, my bones!
350
00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:37,900
- Now look what you did.
- You made him afraid.
351
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,586
- Oh, did I also
make you half a man?
352
00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:41,090
- You're ruining my life!
- What life?
353
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:43,323
- My bones.
354
00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:45,199
- Lemon, why do I
have an appointment
355
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,118
with Jeffrey Weinerslav
tomorrow morning?
356
00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:48,730
Every day that
I'm married to you,
357
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:49,995
my life gets worse.
358
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:51,641
- That Angie thing
was real cute, Jack.
359
00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:53,458
And some of your plan worked.
360
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:54,750
Yes, she hated me,
361
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:56,878
and, yes, I mentioned
slavery by mistake.
362
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,546
- I knew I could count on you.
363
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,798
- But you also made me
her boss, so I fired her.
364
00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:02,675
She chased me
around for a while,
365
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:05,053
so I hid in a closet
down on news,
366
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:06,780
but then Subhas and
Ann Curry came in,
367
00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:07,884
just going to town on ea...
368
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:10,391
[gasps] Damn it!
- Is this a game for you two?
369
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,977
I thought you were
trying to help my family.
370
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:14,437
My family!
371
00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,272
I'm not a pawn.
372
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:17,231
I am a queen.
373
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:18,733
You all are trash.
374
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,003
And you know what Angie
Jordan does with the trash?
375
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:23,446
She drags it out to
the curb for pickup.
376
00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:24,864
- Angie, I did not mean...
377
00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:27,036
- I will rip your weave out.
- It's not a weave!
378
00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:28,719
- Oh, good god, Angie, no.
- Ow! She pulled my hair out.
379
00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:30,179
- I should never have
made you an intern.
380
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,038
You're a star.
- That's right. I am.
381
00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:34,916
- Entertainment is where
untalented people go
382
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,293
to get rich, and you
have all the makings
383
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:38,979
of a reality superstar...
Hair pullingness,
384
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,171
delusions of grandeur,
385
00:14:40,463 --> 00:14:41,881
an insanely short fuse,
386
00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:43,925
catchphrases...
- It's my way till payday.
387
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,635
- That's the t-shirt.
388
00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:48,513
I should give you
your own reality show,
389
00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:50,932
Friday nights...
390
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,224
11:00.
391
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:56,062
- What? That is when
TGS or wrestling is on.
392
00:14:56,354 --> 00:14:57,994
- I guess I could
reconsider the time slot
393
00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,816
in exchange for your signature.
394
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:01,567
- Ugh. You know what?
395
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,528
I'm calling your bluff.
396
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:05,100
You're not giving her a TV show.
397
00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,865
- Fyi, I am friends
with a hilarious fat girl
398
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,617
and a crazy-eyed,
divorced white lady
399
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,345
who wants to be in
the music business.
400
00:15:11,369 --> 00:15:12,369
- Oh, I'd watch that.
401
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,038
Can D'Fwan be on it?
- Mm-hmm.
402
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:15,665
With his even gayer boyfriend.
403
00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:16,666
- Okay, fine.
404
00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:19,168
Give her her own
show, and I will watch it
405
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,963
on our TV in our house,
because I'm not signing anything.
406
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,799
This is not over.
407
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:26,819
- You think my meth-addict
nephew should be on the show?
408
00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:28,719
- Yes, please!
409
00:15:31,514 --> 00:15:33,433
- Pete, you and
Paula fight a lot.
410
00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:34,976
- No, I-I walked into a door.
411
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,268
I'm so clumsy.
412
00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:38,062
- Jack is using TGS
413
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,565
as leverage in our divorce.
414
00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:43,297
He says he's gonna replace us
with a reality show about Angie.
415
00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:45,528
- Oh, I'd watch that.
- Obviously.
416
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:47,238
But how do I fight back?
417
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:48,799
- Well, first off, you
can't back down.
418
00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:50,063
If you do that, we get nothing.
419
00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:51,784
I agreed to go to
a furniture store
420
00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:53,556
instead of watching
football one time,
421
00:15:53,828 --> 00:15:55,108
and I haven't seen a game since.
422
00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:57,498
- Oh, I hear ya. I
mean, take Danny...
423
00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:00,001
Please.
424
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,628
- Then you got to hit
them where it hurts.
425
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,006
Find their weakness
and viciously exploit it.
426
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,298
That's what marriage is.
427
00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:10,011
- Don't even get me
started on marriage.
428
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,138
Thank you.
429
00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:17,602
- Kenneth, your Danny
has something to tell you.
430
00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:19,645
- What is it, Danny?
431
00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:22,982
- Well, sport, I'm
gonna be moving out.
432
00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:25,485
- I don't understand.
433
00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:27,896
- Well, sometimes two people
who care about each other
434
00:16:28,029 --> 00:16:29,280
just can't live together.
435
00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:31,073
- Oh, no, I get that.
436
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:33,868
What I don't get is this
is Danny's dressing room.
437
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,480
- I'm gonna be
staying at the "y."
438
00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:37,371
It's that dark place
under the bleachers
439
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:38,765
that's shaped like a wishbone.
440
00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:40,875
- But you're my Danny and Jenna.
441
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,586
- And we'll always
be Danny and Jenna.
442
00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,671
We just won't be Danny
and Jenna together.
443
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:47,256
- And don't think
444
00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:50,635
for one second this
means we love you less.
445
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:53,804
Know that it means that.
446
00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:56,557
- Well, tell the board
447
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,309
we are currently
in talks... [Beep]
448
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,394
Hold on, please.
449
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:02,730
Jonathan, I have asked
you not to call me at home
450
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,022
after 11:00...
451
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:07,026
Or before.
452
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:08,986
She what?
453
00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,657
- [New england accent]
My husband and I
454
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:16,410
are absolutely so
pleased to be underwriting
455
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:20,498
the Jack and Elizabeth Donaghy
high school for teen drama,
456
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:23,167
the arts, and feelings.
457
00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:25,878
- Son of a bitch.
- As embarrassed Americans,
458
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:30,299
Jack and I pledge $5 million
459
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:31,968
to create a new generation
460
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,887
of choreographers
and puppeteers,
461
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:37,515
clunes, video artists,
462
00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:39,892
and theatrical jugglers
463
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:44,021
who will ask the
world, "what is art?"
464
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:46,107
- We know what art is.
465
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:49,110
It's paintings of horses!
466
00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:52,697
- Good morning.
467
00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:54,907
How is the happy couple today?
468
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:57,785
Well, it's no surprise
we're sitting here.
469
00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,537
You two have always thrown off
470
00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,622
that "will they or
won't they?" Vibe.
471
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:04,041
And it's been a real hoot
to watch your courtship.
472
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,252
Okeydokey.
473
00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,254
Now, when two
employees get married,
474
00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:10,965
it is my job to make
sure that the employee
475
00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:14,427
is not receiving favoritism
from his or her boss.
476
00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:17,096
- Favoritism? Really? He's
trying to cancel my show.
477
00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:19,157
- Uh-huh, and what about your
little announcement last night?
478
00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:20,221
Do you know how many fires
479
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,476
I had to put out this
morning because of you?
480
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:24,186
And what was that voice?
481
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:26,564
- It is my imitation of Drew
Barrymore's impression
482
00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:27,856
of that crazy lady.
483
00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:29,167
- Let's keep this meeting short.
484
00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:32,778
Our marriage is a technicality,
and it will be remedied.
485
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:34,339
- Also, in order for
there to be favoritism,
486
00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:36,699
we'd have to actually
still be friends.
487
00:18:36,991 --> 00:18:39,660
- All righty. Let's
just dive on in.
488
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,830
Does the employee spend
an inordinate amount of time
489
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:46,208
in the employer's office
compared to other employees?
490
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:47,500
- Well, yes, I suppose,
491
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:49,270
but only because miss
Lemon is incapable
492
00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:51,172
of doing anything on her own.
493
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,150
- Oh, please, half the
time when I go up there,
494
00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:55,801
it's to help you choose a
tie, and they're all red or Blue.
495
00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:56,761
- Where I come from,
496
00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:58,763
if you have more than
two colors on a tie,
497
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:01,432
it means you're looking
for a certain kind of bar.
498
00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:04,268
- Are all workday
conversations business-related,
499
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,938
or do personal issues
often dominate discussion,
500
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:11,984
including but not limited
to, mothers, diarrhea,
501
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:13,944
having babies,
502
00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:16,197
problems in the
bedroom, neckties,
503
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,032
food issues,
504
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:19,324
foot disorders,
505
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,827
having it all...
- Okay.
506
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,205
Yes. In the past, we
have advised each other.
507
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:27,541
- For instance, Jack taught
me not to wear tan slacks
508
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:28,833
with a tan turtleneck.
509
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,979
I thought it looked nice,
but he rightly pointed out
510
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,880
that it made me look
like a giant condom.
511
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,132
- And Lemon is the only one
512
00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:37,224
of my subordinates
who's not afraid to warn me
513
00:19:37,301 --> 00:19:40,096
when I'm being too
authoritative or handsome.
514
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,598
- Or when you have eye boogers.
515
00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:44,810
- Have you spent time
with each other's families?
516
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,894
Have you attended
special events together,
517
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,105
such as class reunions,
518
00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:51,524
birthday or holiday
celebrations,
519
00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:53,150
weddings,
520
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:54,985
or extended car trips?
521
00:19:55,277 --> 00:19:57,571
Are you each other's
emergency contacts?
522
00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:59,782
Do you ever drink
together at work,
523
00:20:00,074 --> 00:20:01,992
perhaps while summarizing
what you've learned
524
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:03,911
over the day or week?
525
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,830
Have you shared intimate details
526
00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:07,832
of your fears,
hopes, and dreams,
527
00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:10,334
both personal and professional?
528
00:20:10,626 --> 00:20:14,797
Is this the longest and perhaps
most meaningful relationship
529
00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:16,173
in your life?
530
00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:19,093
Do you often find yourselves
thinking the same thing
531
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:21,929
and then saying it at
the exact same time?
532
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,306
- I apologize, Lemon.
- I'm sorry, Jack.
533
00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,118
I never should have
tried to blackmail you.
534
00:20:26,142 --> 00:20:26,851
I'll sign the papers.
535
00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:28,787
- And I shouldn't have
threatened your show.
536
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:30,455
I'll leave that to the
parental decency groups.
537
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:31,981
And I'll back off on the budget
538
00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:33,691
and the bat mitzvahs.
539
00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:35,693
- Okay.
540
00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:38,487
Now we're gonna
do word association.
541
00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:39,822
Foreplay...
542
00:20:40,114 --> 00:20:41,907
- We're done, Weinerslav.
543
00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:45,035
Uh, try to walk like
a woman, Lemon.
544
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:47,830
- Your fly's open, Jack.
545
00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:53,836
- I'm Angie. I think
elegance and attitude
546
00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:56,380
are the same thing,
and I have I.B.S.
547
00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:58,466
Oh!
548
00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:00,478
- I'm D'Fwan, and I
just want to be accepted
549
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,511
for who I am... a sexual maniac.
550
00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:04,972
- Hey, I'm Portia. I don't
care what anyone says.
551
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,266
I keep them 3-D glasses.
552
00:21:07,558 --> 00:21:10,019
- I'm Randi with an "I."
553
00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:14,565
My ex-husband's new girlfriend
is cheating on him with me.
554
00:21:14,857 --> 00:21:15,941
- Do you have any meth?
555
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:17,526
Or meth?
556
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:20,946
- It's my way till payday.
40532
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