All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S05E06.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- I know I'm
jumping the gun a bit,

but I had this made
for the baby at hermes.

So she can ride the maid!

- It is adorable.

Uh, but are we still in love
with the name "Charlotte"?

- I think so. Why do you ask?

- Charlotte?
[Blows raspberry]

- Are you serious?

- Lemon went to middle
school with a Charlotte

who used to rub herself
against a tree during recess.

- [Sighs] I want to know
why you would tell Lemon

something so personal.

- I know that my relationship
with Lemon may seem strange,

but I am her mentor.

And the Donaghy mentoring
experience is immersive.

- There need to be boundaries.

That woman is your employee.

- No, she's more than that.

I don't choose my
mentees lightly.

They have to have
the drive and ambition

to be worth my time,

the intelligence to understand

the challenges
they're going to face,

the humility to accept my help,

and finally,

a life that is a bottomless
swamp of chaos.

Drive, intelligence,
humility, chaos...

Or the acronym "DIHC."

I'm looking for DIHC, Avery.

And I'm gonna take it
wherever I can find it.

- It's been four years, Jack.

Maybe it's time
for Liz to graduate.

Maybe it's time for
you to carry this baby.

Maybe you and Liz can raise it.

[Gasps] Oh, no.

Crazy hormone swing.

Why does everything
smell like onions?

[Screams]

[Breathing heavily]

- Lemon. Boundaries.

Got it.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- In here, you can see
one of NBC's editing bays.

- Tracy Jordan, the star of TGS

and numerous films, has died.

- No! No, it can't be!

I'm not done with him, Jacob!

He stays on this side!

- Kenneth, Tracy's not dead.

NBC news makes
obituaries for celebrities

to have them ready.

They're just updating Tracy's

to include his recent
submarine D.U.I.

- Oh, thank goodness.

Say, do you think I
could get a copy of that

to show Mr. Jordan?

That way, he can
see his own funeral,

just like Tom Sawyer!

Well, Tom was a
fellow from my town

we accidentally buried alive.

Funny story, after
we dug him back up,

he tried to kill all of us.

[Laughs]

[Phone rings]

- Hello?
- Hey, Liz.

It's your father. Dick Lemon.

- Dad, you don't have to
say your name every time.

- Telephone etiquette
is important, Liz.

It lets people know your race
even when they can't see you.

Anyway, got a busy week?

- Not really, I was
gonna take this class

called "cooking for one,"

but the teacher killed himself.

- Well, what about a visit?

- Really? That would be great.

With you and mom here,
the doormen will have

to eat their words about
me never having friends over.

- Well, it'll just be me
this time, Elizabeth.

Your mother isn't coming.

- What? You and mom
always travel together.

- Well, she's not
coming this time.

I just want to have
a little fun by myself.

Can't a guy have a little fun?

- What is wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?

[Door opens] Your mother's home.

This conversation
never happened.

- [Quietly] What? What?

- I am a jedi!

- Tracy Jordan, star
of the fat bitch movies,

was also voted "worst
representation of a black man"

nine years in a row.

Perhaps best known
for his fcc fines...

- And thank god I
didn't [bleep] anybody,

and thank god I
[bleep] my [bleep].

- And giving the queen Parvo.

- This is terrible!

When I'm dead, that's
what I leave behind?

That's how my grandkids
will remember me

as they fly around
in their jetpacks?

- Well, it's not
fair out of context.

Her highness was
sending signals.

- It doesn't matter. That's
how the world sees me...

As some idiot millionaire.

- Who, Mark Cuban?

That guy ran me
over with a jet ski.

- [Sighs]

- What is he so upset about?

- It's my fault.

I let Mr. Jordan
see his obituary.

- He's dying?

Fine, I'll sing at his funeral.

- No, ma'am.

NBC news makes celebrity
obituaries ahead of time.

Typical liberal media.

- They do? Well, then
I need to see mine.

If they used any of the footage
from my shoplifting arrest,

that would be great because
my arms looked fantastic.

[Knock on door]

- Hey, can I talk
to you for a sec?

My dad just called, and...

- Lemon, uh, I'm sorry.

If this is about a
personal matter,

we can't discuss it.

- What? Why?
- It's Avery.

She's going to be
my wife someday,

and understandably, the
nature of our relationship

is a little confusing to her.

- Oh, she feels threatened.

It must be my "sesuality,"

because I am so very "sesual."

You like that?
- [Groans]

And maybe Avery is a
little emotional these days.

She's put on
considerable boob weight.

She's not used to that,
and sometimes she

just falls over.

It's stressful.

But she might have
a point about us.

Maybe it isn't appropriate
for you to still come to me

with every little
problem in your life.

- Oh. Okay.

Great. Fine.

I'll solve my own problems.

[Door knob jiggling]

Blammo. Solved it.

- What do you mean, I
don't have an obituary?

I'm Jenna Maroney.

I played arts and literature

in the film adaptation
of trivial pursuit.

- I know who you
are, miss Maroney,

but you're not on the list.

They only make obits
for people they think are,

you know, important.

- Like who?

Kim Jong-Il?

I never heard of her.

I should be on here.

- You wanted to see me, sir?

- Jonathan, I may
be in the market

for a new young
person to mentor.

- Oh, my god.

Sir, I have dreamed
of this moment...

- but my fear is that you
don't have enough ambition.

The drive to deserve
my mentorship.

- No, sir, there is
nothing in the world

that I wouldn't do for you.

- My attorney is
waiting in his office.

He will present you with a
contract to be my mentee

if you bring him...

[Suspenseful musical burst]

My pinky.

- No, sir.

Then you wouldn't
be perfect anymore.

I won't do it.
- Exactly.

I knew that you wouldn't.

- No, no, watch!

I'll cut off my pinky
and tell him it's yours.

- Jonathan.

Ambition is the willingness
to kill the things you love

and eat them in
order to stay alive.

Haven't you ever
read my throw pillow?

[Knock on door]

- Dad.
- Hi, sweetheart!

Mwah!

- Where are your glasses?

And what's with that shirt?

- I don't need my glasses,

and this is an
Edward Hardy shirt.

A very hip latino-sounding
blur at mervyn's

said I looked good in it.

- Dad, what are you doing?

You're traveling alone,

you show up here looking
like you've been on spring break

for 300 years,

and earlier, mom called
and told me to give you a hug

before your colonoscopy.

- Uh-oh.
[Chuckles nervously]

- Dad, look at me.
What is going on?

- Honey, there's no
easy way to say it.

Your mother and I
are taking a little break.

- A break? After 45 years?

- Honey, it's complicated.
We're having problems.

- Really, does mom know
you're having problems?

'Cause she thinks
you're at the doctor.

- Your mother and I
don't laugh like we used to.

I don't know what happened.

Where has my best friend gone?

- Ugh! What are
you talking about?

You're just pretending like
there's some big problem

so you can come up here
and, what, try to pick up women?

You think they won't
notice that you're 80

because you took
your glasses off?

- I will not be spoken
to this way, young lady.

- You know what,
you're not staying here

during your little time-out.

Your "gentleman's intermission."

Go to a hotel.

Or better yet, go home to mom.

- Fine. I don't need you.

I'm meeting up with
my old army buddy Gary.

Tonight, we're doing a push-up,

and tomorrow, we're going
to a bar called "swingles."

[Chuckles]

Gary's wife just died
a couple of days ago,

and he hasn't returned
the hospital bed yet,

so I can sleep there!

Now, where's the door?

- I'm not telling!

Cold.

Colder. It's...

- Ha ha!
- [Scoffs]

[Phone ringing]

- Hello?

- [Speaking German]

- [Responds in German]

- Hey, girl!

- What do you want, Liz?

- Look, I know I
shouldn't be calling,

but my dad is in town,

taking a break
from being married.

It's a gentleman's intermission.

- And you want to talk
about this with your boss?

- Well, when you
put it like that...

With the mean voice and all...

- good night, Liz.
[Phone beeps]

- [Sighs]

- What's wrong, tray?

Why are you sitting in
your sadness spotlight?

- I seen my NBC news
obituary, Jackie D.

I look like a fool in it.

- Well, certainly you
can't be surprised

that there's a lot of negative
stuff about you out there.

Don't you ever Google yourself?

- Sure, I Google
myself all the time.

Like when Angie's
not in the mood,

or I'm alone in the hotel.

- Uh, Tracy, you do know
that googling yourself

means looking yourself
up on the Internet.

- I did not know that.

That explains why Liz Lemon
was so cool the other day.

Liz Lemon, you mind if I
Google myself in your office?

- Sure, Tracy.
- Can I use your computer?

- How else are you gonna do it?

- Tracy, you are someone
with a lot of problems,

who needs constant guidance.

- And don't forget,
I never listen.

- If you're open to it, I'm
very good at giving advice.

For example, with
your obit problem.

Now, you've spent years
creating a certain public image.

But you can change that.

You just have to do
what prince hal did.

- Who's prince hal?

- From Henry iv.

You played him in
central park last summer.

- I don't know any of my lines!

- Everyone thought prince
hal was a drunken wastrel.

But when he became King,

he transformed himself
into a wise and just ruler.

He changed the headline.

That's what you
have to do, Tracy.

- You know something, Jackie D.?

That thing I said earlier about
prince hal got me thinking.

I have to change my headline.

- Yes, that's what I just said.

Now, if I can help you...

- no, no, no, Jackie D.

I don't need your
help. I'm Tracy Jordan.

When I go to sleep,
nothing happens in the world.

- He failed the
test of humility.

I cannot be his mentor.

- Well, I'd love for you
to be my mentor, sir.

But unfortunately,
I already have one.

- Stop calling me!

- Okay, what would
Jack tell me to do?

First, he would probably explain

that evolution makes
men promiscuous,

even when they're 80,
like my pathetic dad.

- Is your dad pathetic,

or is he maybe, on
some level, admirable?

Maybe his sons would
respect him more as a man.

Maybe they'd stop
calling him a "bald wang"

in front of the babysitter.

- I mean, can you imagine
dick Lemon at a singles bar?

It makes me want to barf.

- Ugh, those old men that hit
on you at clubs are so lame.

- Lame? Or... or is it heroic?

- Why can't they see
how idiotic they look?

- With guys like
that, I always just say,

"who's younger...
Me or your daughter?"

That usually creeps them
out enough that they leave.

- That wouldn't work on me.

- Jack.

Why does Tracy have
a news obit and I don't?

- Huh.

I never thought of you

for the Donaghy
mentoring experience,

but you are an unceasing
onslaught of dysfunction.

- Dr. Drew called
me "unfixable."

- Let's think this through.

You don't have an obit
because you haven't done

as much as Tracy has.

His movies gross millions,

his comedy albums go platinum,

and he owns the world's
only giraffe basketball team,

the New York necks.

So your problem...
- My problem?

NBC news has the problem.

- No, I don't
think that's right.

- And you know
what I'm going to do?

I'm gonna make my own obituary,

and show them
how wrong they are.

- Then I'm afraid you're
on your own, Jenna.

You have failed the
test of intelligence.

- Oh, really? Well, so are you!

- Hello, Lemon.
- Hey, Jack.

How's business things?

- I made several
overseas phone calls today.

- Well, I'm doing great.

Like the song, I am
taking on my business.

- Uh, no, it's, uh...

Right. Forget it.

Shoulders back, Lemon.

You're not welcoming
people to castle Frankenstein.

- I can't read any of
this, Gary, can you?

Uh, give us this third thing.

Uh...

Hello, miss. My name is Ricky.

- I'm...

[Southern accent]
Dorothy Michaels.

And you don't look
stupid in that shirt at all.

What do you gentlemen do?

- We work for the FBI.

Mm-hmm, female body inspectors.

[Wheezing laughter]

Tell me, was your
father a donkey herder?

Because that ass is...
- No, no!

My father worked at
Philadelphia power and light.

It's me, your daughter.
Elizabeth Lemon.

- Elizabeth, what are you doing?

- Ugh, this woman's trying
to hit on her own father!

[Crowd murmurs]
- No, no!

Good people of
swingles, hear me out.

My married, 80-year-old father

is taking a gentleman's
intermission.

- That's a great name
for what I'm doing.

- Just what are you
trying to accomplish

with this stunt, young lady?

- I am trying to show you
how disgusting you are.

- No, you're the disgusting one.

[Crowd murmurs in agreement]

- Yeah, that was
a terrible plan.

- Come on, Gary.
Let's go hit that bar

with the cool rainbow flags.

- A two-time cable
ace award nominee,

and three-time Tony...
Shaloub sex partner,

Jenna Maroney is perhaps best
remembered for being beautiful.

Jenna Maroney, dead at 32.

♪ Jenna, you ripped
through our lives ♪

♪ like the passing of the wind ♪

- Read back what we have so far.

- "Ideas to change
Mr. Jordan's headline."

Then you said, "read
back what we have so far."

- Why is this so hard?

All I want to do is turn into
a worldwide hero overnight.

- Coming up in
our next half hour,

we're gonna meet a heroic cat

who saved its owner's
life by dialing 911.

What an amazing story.

- That cat's a hero.

If I save it, I'm a double hero.

Ken, I need your help.

- Well, I actually have
an important church...

- denied!

- Hey, what's going on?

I got a message you
wanted to see me?

- Yes, I know you're
interviewing John boehner later.

You should know that he
has very tiny hands, so...

- let him hold a miniature
golf scoring pencil

to make them look
normal, obviously.

But why are you...

Oh, my god. Are you
trying to mentor me?

- All right, calm down.
- I am squared away, Donaghy.

I get four hours
of sleep a night,

eat 1,200 calories a day,

and my closet has
been on the cover

of organized living twice.

- Damn it, I knew you'd
fail the test of chaos.

- Is it really that difficult

to find someone new to mentor?

- It's impossible.

I would never say
this to her face,

but Lemon is above average.

She's got just the right
amount of DIHC for me.

I hear it, and I don't care.

I've cast a wide net, but even
the junior executives here...

There's something
wrong with this generation.

- Hey, are you
Jack? Sorry I'm late.

B.T. Dubbs,

I gotta leave for my ironic
kickball league in about ten.

Also, I'm not interested
in this position

unless I'm gonna
be constantly praised.

And I won't cut my hair.

- [Sighs]

- It's go time, Ken.
Are you ready?

- I've got my hammer,
I've got my mask.

You just stop me
before I get to that cat.

- I'll be right behind you.

- And finally, the
weekend box office crown

belonged to the indie
darling hard to watch.

Critics have been
praising the gritty drama,

and the performance
of its star Tracy Jordan.

Now, not to editorialize,

but if Jordan doesn't
win the Oscar,

that would be
the stupidest thing

since the following segue...

Speaking of cats...

- An Oscar.

If I won an Oscar,

everyone would
have to respect me.

My obituary will
read "Oscar winner"

instead of "children's
soccer heckler."

It would change my headline.

I feel like I'm
forgetting something.

[Gasps]

I left Tracy Jr.
In Atlantic city!

- Die, hero cat! I hate you!

I said I'm gonna kill that cat!

- Killing cats is wrong!

Unless it's to make a hat!

- My skull!

- Jenna Maroney just
saved the hero cat!

- That makes me a double hero!

Try to deny me my
obit now, you jags!

And tell people
in lieu of flowers,

they can pour jewels
into my open coffin.

[Applause]

- I'm very injured.

[Meows]

- You wanted to see me?

- No, Lemon.
- I did.

- [Gasps] Albino ninja!

- Look, I never should
have interfered with, um,

whatever this is.

- Work husband-slash-uncle.

- Coworker-slash-little brother.

- Right, well, she's
not ready to move on.

- It's true.

I'm wearing a Duane Reade
bag as underwear today.

- All right. And for
whatever reason,

he needs you too.

- It's a symbiotic relationship.

I'm a mighty great
white shark, Lemon,

and you are a remora,

clinging to me with
your suction cup head.

I give you a free
ride, and in exchange,

you, uh, eat my parasites.

- I'm gonna leave you two alone.

I already briefed
him on your problem.

- The gentleman's
intermission, yes.

Uh, Lemon, does your
father have a cell phone?

- Yes. Jack is back.

If anyone can talk sense
into my dad, it's you.

- Oh, no, I'm not gonna
talk sense into anybody.

Your father's being irrational.

And irrational behavior
doesn't respond to rationality.

It responds to fear.

[Cell phone ringing]

- Hello?

- [Bronx accent] Yeah,
is this dick Lemon?

- This is he. Who's calling?

- I'm tricia's boyfriend,
you scumbag.

She told me what happened
with youse last night.

Now I'm gonna come and find you,

and I'm gonna kick
your ass so hard,

you're gonna be
throwing up my toenails.

- No, no, no, no, no.
There's been a mistake.

I did not do anything
with anyone last night.

Certainly not a tricia.

- Oh, now you're telling me

my tricia's not good
enough for you?

She's an angel!

I'll tell you what, I'm
getting my brothers,

and we're coming over
there, and we're gonna...

- [yelps]

- [Snickers]

[Cell phone ringing]

- Dick Lemon speaking.

- How dare you hang up on me.

I'm a corrupt cop! My
brother's a corrupt fireman.

He's gonna set you on fire,

and I am not
gonna investigate it.

- That won't be necessary.

I'm leaving for
Philadelphia today.

- Dick, listen, tricia
told me you're married.

I know men are meant
to be promiscuous

because of evolution,

but you made a commitment
to a woman you love.

- I do. I do love her.

- Yeah, that's right.
You're a lucky man.

"A," because you have a family

and "b," because I have
not curb-stomped you

in front of your grandchildren.

- Actually, I don't
have grandchildren.

- Why not? Tricia
told me you have

a 40-year-old daughter.
What's wrong with her?

- Okay, mm-mm.
- I gotta go.

I'm taking tricia
to laser zeppelin.

You take care now. Go necks!

- Can I show you a
weird thing on my leg?

- Yeah.

That's gotta be removed.

- [Gasps] Claire?

Claire?

Joanne? Okay.

Well, I look forward
to visiting her

and her wife... On their farm.

Jacqueline?

Like, named after you?

Like a little Jack,
but with boobs?

Hi, I'm Daphne
Donaghy. I saw a turtle!

Kylie. Great.

She can strip her way
through community college.

Come on.

Oh, I don't know
about Christina.

'Cause then everyone
calls her Tina.

And every Tina I've known
is a real judgmental bitch.