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1
00:00:03,170 --> 00:00:05,170
- Listen, Greg, I've got
the next big reality show.
2
00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:06,649
We put a bunch of
people on a plane,
3
00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:07,966
fly them over the Atlantic,
4
00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:10,552
then Tom bergeron
comes out and reveals
5
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,638
that the pilot is a
six-year-old boy.
6
00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:16,391
We call it "child hell flight."
7
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:17,809
- Get out of here!
8
00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:19,561
He is pitching a no-hitter.
- What?
9
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:20,562
- Starting at 4:00
P.M. yesterday,
10
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,357
when Mr. Donaghy coined
the word "innoventually,"
11
00:00:23,649 --> 00:00:25,609
he has been flawless.
- So why do I have to leave?
12
00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:28,278
- Because you have so
many unsolvable problems,
13
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:29,696
like your mouth.
14
00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:32,008
It looks like somebody
kicked a hole in a bag of flour.
15
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,367
[Thud] Ow!
16
00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:34,826
- Good news, Jonathan.
17
00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:36,703
"Child hell flight"
will "innoventually"
18
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,455
be on the spring schedule.
19
00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:39,787
- Oh! Congratulations, sir.
20
00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:42,209
Miss Lemon was just leaving.
21
00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:43,741
- Oh, no. Lemon, please come in.
22
00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,355
When you're pitching
a perfect game,
23
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:46,397
you don't walk Albert Pujols
24
00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:49,424
and you are the Albert
Pujols of having problems.
25
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,176
- Perfect game, huh?
26
00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:53,554
- I haven't done a
single thing wrong
27
00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,055
in almost 24 hours,
28
00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:57,224
and I'm including
sex last night.
29
00:00:57,516 --> 00:01:00,060
Here's Avery's thank-you note.
30
00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:02,437
- Ugh! She likes that?
31
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,731
- No, but she respects it
when it's done correctly.
32
00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:07,442
Lemon, you may be
witnessing history here.
33
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,486
Making it through
a full 24 hours
34
00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:11,618
without a single misstep
is called "reaganing."
35
00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:13,580
The only other people
who have ever done it...
36
00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:15,499
Lee Iacocca, Jack Welch,
and... no judgment...
37
00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:16,659
Saddam Hussein.
38
00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:18,662
So what have you got for me?
39
00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:20,014
- I need to get out
to Newark airport.
40
00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:22,124
Carol's on a layover, and
I really have to see him.
41
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,685
- You're horny, and
you want to get some.
42
00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:25,085
I get it.
- Ew, Jack, gross.
43
00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:26,378
Come on.
44
00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:28,547
I just want to see him,
and I can't get a cab,
45
00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:31,258
because Greece is
playing Pakistan in soccer.
46
00:01:31,550 --> 00:01:33,051
- Problem solved. I'll take you.
47
00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:34,343
- Really?
48
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:35,788
- I'll drop you
off at the airport,
49
00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:36,388
then I'll swing by MSNBC.
50
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:37,960
I have to talk to Rachel Maddow.
51
00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,684
Only one of us can
have this haircut.
52
00:01:40,976 --> 00:01:43,645
[Upbeat jazzy music]
53
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:51,778
♪ ♪
54
00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:02,789
- K-Swiss, I need to
cancel my gig for hosting
55
00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:05,375
the mtv international
video music awards.
56
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,127
- Why wasn't I invited to that?
57
00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:08,837
My single is number
four in Japan.
58
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,213
♪ Choke me, choke me ♪
59
00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:11,715
♪ blonde like choke me ♪
60
00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,050
♪ tee-hee-hee-hee-hee ♪
61
00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:14,527
- I hate to bail,
but I've been asked
62
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:16,832
to do a commercial for the
boys and girls club of america,
63
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:19,389
and I just can't turn
down community service,
64
00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:21,308
because if I do, that
judge will make me
65
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:22,893
join the coast guard.
66
00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:24,478
- Well, I also recently received
67
00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:26,229
an unexpected honor...
68
00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:29,399
From the Carvel ice
cream corporation.
69
00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:31,002
They gave me this
after I performed
70
00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:32,146
on their "kidz 4-Eva!" Float
71
00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:34,363
during last year's
Thanksgiving day parade.
72
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,740
- ♪ Ice cream ♪
73
00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:39,493
♪ hey, don't you want
some ice cream? ♪
74
00:02:39,785 --> 00:02:41,370
- I don't watch
the Macy's parade.
75
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,163
If I want to see a
50-foot spider man,
76
00:02:43,455 --> 00:02:47,000
I'll just go into my
rec room, thank you.
77
00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:50,253
- Kenneth, take this card
and get a cake for the crew.
78
00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,589
- Oh, that's very
thoughtful, miss Maroney.
79
00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,692
- Well, one of the camera
guys just had a baby,
80
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,093
and I'm sick of
hearing about it.
81
00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:59,054
This will put me back on top.
82
00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:00,055
[Horn honks]
83
00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:01,347
- What's wrong, Lemon?
84
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:03,076
When I see you chew
your nails like that,
85
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:04,393
I'd say that you're
very anxious,
86
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,311
or you've handled
some ham earlier.
87
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:07,723
- When I get to the airport,
88
00:03:07,771 --> 00:03:09,481
I'm going to break
up with Carol.
89
00:03:09,773 --> 00:03:11,274
- What? Lemon, I am shocked.
90
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:12,566
You two seemed so happy.
91
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:13,795
The other day, I
saw you in the lobby
92
00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,112
laughing together.
93
00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:17,173
- A guy on crutches bit
it in the revolving door,
94
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,997
and he was so scared.
- So what's the problem?
95
00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:20,385
You ate spaghetti
in front of him?
96
00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:20,992
- Of course not.
97
00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:22,595
- He got a fungus
from your shower?
98
00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:23,036
- No.
99
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:24,663
- You had a fight
about something?
100
00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:27,165
- No, we're not fighting.
We don't fight. It's just...
101
00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:29,084
Nothing. I don't
want to talk about it.
102
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:30,919
- Lemon, I've known
you for four years,
103
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,088
and in that time,
I've never known you
104
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,340
to be shy about
talking about anything.
105
00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:38,051
- Well, I found my first
Gray toe-knuckle hair.
106
00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:40,321
If I could push a button
and five people in the world
107
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,681
would die, but I'd get
free cable for life, I'd do it.
108
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,242
And I'd been on
the toilet so long
109
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:45,506
that my legs had fallen asleep,
110
00:03:45,684 --> 00:03:48,437
so when I tried to stand, I
just fell into my throw-up.
111
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,689
- There is one thing you
don't like to talk about.
112
00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,691
- Why aren't we moving?
113
00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:54,109
- Sex, Lemon...
114
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,486
Coitus, the beast
with two backs.
115
00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:59,156
You and I have never
had an adult conversation
116
00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:00,449
about boning.
117
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,409
- Ugh! Fine.
118
00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:06,538
Carol and I are having
an intimacy problem.
119
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:08,123
- Okay, so tell me
what happened.
120
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:09,684
- I was visiting
Carol in Las Vegas,
121
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,293
and there was...
122
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,420
A performance issue.
123
00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:14,731
- That does happen to men.
124
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:17,007
I faced it myself with
Greta Van Susteren
125
00:04:17,299 --> 00:04:18,675
before her head transplant.
126
00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:21,303
You know, why
don't I call Carol?
127
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:22,763
- No, don't do that.
128
00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:25,390
- I'm "reaganing,"
Lemon. Let me solve this.
129
00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:26,308
- It's not him. It's me.
130
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,200
I'm the one with the
performance problem.
131
00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:29,470
- What are you talking about?
132
00:04:29,644 --> 00:04:32,397
- I freaked out, and my
junk closed for business.
133
00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:36,359
It's like fort Knox down there.
134
00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:38,091
- I'm just going
to raise the barrier
135
00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:40,113
if that's okeydokey
with everyone.
136
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:43,450
- It's kind of like that.
137
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,537
- Tracy, haven't seen you
138
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:50,248
since I was directing
"Garfield 3," and you ruined it.
139
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,375
I had to move back
in with my parents.
140
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:53,168
- I envy you.
141
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,587
I don't really know my parents.
142
00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:57,881
- Okay. Let me take
you through the concept.
143
00:04:58,173 --> 00:04:59,341
It's all one shot, all right?
144
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,426
We start on a boy
shooting a basketball,
145
00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,428
pan to some girls
double-dutching,
146
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:06,348
then we pass the kid who
does a flip on a trampoline,
147
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,475
follow a skateboarder
who jumps the curb
148
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:12,103
and whizzes past
you for your line.
149
00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:12,896
- What line?
150
00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:15,106
- "Boys and girls
clubs of america,
151
00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:16,066
be great."
152
00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:19,528
We faxed the script to
someone named Grizz.
153
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,620
- Scripts get in the way
of my process, Shawn.
154
00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:26,201
Let's just shoot a hundred
of these and see what we get.
155
00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:28,411
- Here's your cake,
miss Maroney.
156
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:30,038
- [Gasps] Let's see.
157
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:31,957
"Jenny"?
158
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:34,417
That's not my name.
159
00:05:34,709 --> 00:05:36,312
I don't want wheelchair
Jenny from accounting
160
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,420
getting credit for my cake.
161
00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:39,130
Take it back to Carvel.
162
00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:41,091
- But then they'll
just throw it out.
163
00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:42,092
- So?
164
00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:44,237
- I know food's plentiful
around here, miss Maroney,
165
00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:47,013
but back home on our
pig farm, times are tough.
166
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:50,100
We've had to sell off
Sally, Julie, and poppy.
167
00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:51,768
- Are those some of your pigs?
168
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:53,436
- Yes.
169
00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:56,398
- Take the cake back, Kenneth.
170
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,820
- You know, your little
problem makes sense, Lemon.
171
00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:04,698
You have more sexual
hang-ups than an adult chat line
172
00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:06,157
run by Gilbert gottfried.
173
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:07,449
- What?
174
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,261
- That was written by
a computer program
175
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:10,680
we're working on to replace you.
176
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,372
- No, I don't have hang-ups.
177
00:06:12,664 --> 00:06:14,833
- You don't think
you're a bit of a prude...
178
00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,419
A little squeamish
and conservative?
179
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,212
- Sex always makes things worse.
180
00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:22,215
Jack, why don't you just
say you want some...?
181
00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:24,187
- Is that sex, Lemon?
- Is the way I do it.
182
00:06:24,301 --> 00:06:25,343
- We are lovers.
183
00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:26,696
- Oh, that word bums me out
184
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,930
unless it's between the
words "meat" and "pizza."
185
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,765
Ugh! She likes that?
186
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,934
Okay, fine. Maybe I'm
a little old-fashioned.
187
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,266
I'm sorry I'm a real woman
188
00:06:34,352 --> 00:06:36,438
and not some oversexed
New York nympho
189
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:40,108
like those sluts on
Everybody Loves Raymond.
190
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,000
- Wow. This may be
the greatest challenge
191
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,778
a potential "reaganer"
has ever faced.
192
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:46,281
I'm gonna fix you and save
your relationship with Carol.
193
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:47,741
- I don't need to be fixed.
194
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:50,118
- Has it happened before?
- Yes...
195
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,162
With my college
boyfriend Joel Sucheki,
196
00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:54,873
a couple of times with
Dennis, and now Carol.
197
00:06:55,165 --> 00:06:56,684
- There has to be a root
cause, maybe from your past.
198
00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:57,709
- There isn't, Jack.
199
00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,395
- There's got to be
something. Go deep.
200
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,019
- You think I haven't
thought about this?
201
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,231
There's nothing.
- Dig. Dig down.
202
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,335
Dive into the sexual abyss.
203
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:04,548
- Stop it, Jack! Stop it!
204
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:07,886
Stop asking about
the roller skates!
205
00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:13,975
- And... action!
206
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,978
[Inspirational music]
207
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:25,111
♪ ♪
208
00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:30,491
- What's my cue?
209
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:31,897
You know what?
It doesn't matter.
210
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:33,077
I don't know my lines.
211
00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:34,037
- Cut!
212
00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:36,164
[Car horns honking]
213
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,625
Tracy, we're causing
a huge traffic jam.
214
00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,293
- We're causing
a huge traffic jam
215
00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:42,629
while getting paid
to make dreams.
216
00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:44,756
We're the luckiest
people on earth.
217
00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:46,758
Now someone get me a jolt cola!
218
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:49,219
It does not exist anymore!
219
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:55,266
- Here's the money back
from Carvel, miss Maroney...
220
00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:57,936
$23.94.
221
00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:00,105
- Hang on. She gave you cash?
222
00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:01,397
- Oh, yes, I'm sorry.
223
00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:03,441
I told the girl I didn't
have your card, so...
224
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:06,236
- she must have thought
you meant credit card.
225
00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:09,197
How many cashiers
are at that store?
226
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,074
- Two. This is fun.
227
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:12,450
- Oh, my god.
228
00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:14,182
We could run the
short grift on this.
229
00:08:14,452 --> 00:08:16,579
It's been years
since my mom and I
230
00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,748
used to pull slip-and-falls
at supermarkets.
231
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,351
I thought I was
done with that life,
232
00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:22,460
but this is too good.
233
00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:24,792
We can pull an Arizona
double-back on them, Kenneth.
234
00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,631
- I don't understand
what you're saying,
235
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:30,468
but I like that it has
the word "we" in it.
236
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,805
- I'd like to order
a cake that reads,
237
00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:35,557
"happy birthday, blenna."
238
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:39,477
- "Blenna"?
- Yes.
239
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:42,164
- I'm sorry, miss, but there's
been a mistake with this cake,
240
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,898
and I'm afraid I
don't have the card.
241
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:45,275
- Okay, um, I'm sorry.
242
00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:46,985
Um, I'll just give
you cash back.
243
00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:48,570
[Cash register beeps]
244
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:52,449
- I need a "happy
blirthday, Jennica" cake.
245
00:08:58,455 --> 00:08:59,748
Yes.
246
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,584
"Bappy hirthday, Gremlin."
247
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:09,382
- Lemon, what do you want
to tell me about the, uh...
248
00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:10,341
Roller skates?
249
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:11,633
- Why are we not moving?
250
00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:14,054
What is causing
this traffic jam?
251
00:09:14,345 --> 00:09:16,890
[Inspirational music]
252
00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:25,182
♪ ♪
253
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:31,571
- I'm sorry. I have an erection.
254
00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:33,531
I think it's the sound
of the skateboard.
255
00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:36,367
We're going again.
Everybody safely back to one.
256
00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:39,329
- Let me help you. I
am unstoppable today.
257
00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:40,747
If it'll make it any easier,
258
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:44,250
imagine you're telling your
story to Reagan himself.
259
00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:46,502
[Imitating Ronald Reagan]
Well, Liz, will you tell
260
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,963
the gipper your sexual story?
261
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:52,550
Mommy?
262
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,844
- I was nine years old.
263
00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:56,805
I was roller-skating
in the house,
264
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,681
which was absolutely forbidden.
265
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,517
I was skating down the hallway
266
00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:02,769
on top of the world
with my new skates
267
00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:04,896
and my new haircut,
which everybody thought
268
00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:08,608
was a Dorothy hamill, but
was actually a Pete Rose.
269
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,361
Anyway, I needed
to go to the bathroom,
270
00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:13,279
but the door was locked.
271
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:15,865
My recently divorced
aunt had moved in with us,
272
00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:17,951
and I was sharing
a bathroom with her.
273
00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:21,162
To be prepared, I tried
to take my underpants off
274
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,498
over my roller skates.
275
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,042
I slipped, and as I fell,
276
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:29,462
I pulled down this poster
of the singer Tom Jones
277
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:30,463
that my aunt had put up.
278
00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:34,551
My mom heard the noise
and ran and found me...
279
00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:37,053
Squirming under
the Tom Jones poster
280
00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:40,723
with my underpants
around my ankles.
281
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:44,435
It didn't look good, Jack.
282
00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:47,272
She thought I did it on purpose.
283
00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:49,274
And she didn't say a word.
284
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:52,777
She just went in my room
and took all my posters...
285
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:55,905
Grizzly Adams, Larry Wilcox,
286
00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:59,409
Han Solo, tug McGraw,
287
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:02,078
Mike schmidt, Kermit,
288
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:03,872
Gunther gebel-Williams.
289
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,749
She took all the
people away, Jack.
290
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,460
Sex makes the people go away!
291
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:18,469
- I'm gonna see what's
up with this traffic.
292
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,473
- Oh, here's your
money back, ma'am.
293
00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:25,161
Boy, they sure are making a
lot of mistakes over there today.
294
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,704
- Do you really not
understand what we're doing?
295
00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:27,270
- Of course I do.
296
00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:29,314
We're standing here talking,
297
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:32,901
adding brick after brick
to our friendship castle
298
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:36,321
so it someday reaches the sky.
299
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:37,780
- With Carvel, Kenneth.
300
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:39,073
We're conning them.
301
00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:42,660
I'm ordering messed-up cakes
and getting them free with my card.
302
00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:44,787
Then you're returning
them for cash.
303
00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:47,332
We're selling back free cakes.
304
00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:49,626
- But, miss
Maroney, that's wrong
305
00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:51,920
and illegal. [Gasps]
306
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,839
If cookie puss knew, he'd
tear us apart with his fangs.
307
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,841
- Well, here's your cut.
308
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:59,636
We're not hurting anybody.
Carvel's got plenty of money.
309
00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:00,595
- But the...
- Shh.
310
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,263
I need a partner
to pull this off
311
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:03,699
and think of all the
good you can do
312
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,433
with that money back home.
313
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:06,768
- They do need help.
314
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,728
And with enough
money, they could buy
315
00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:10,813
those magic beans
from that old hermit.
316
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:12,565
We'd be rich.
317
00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:13,857
Hang on.
318
00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:15,526
Why isn't the hermit rich?
319
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,488
Oh, wait. He is. He
has a lot of friends.
320
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,615
- Take the money, Kenneth.
321
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:22,158
Help your family.
322
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:24,410
No one will ever know.
323
00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:30,416
[Inspirational music]
324
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:38,591
♪ ♪
325
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,138
- Shirt on or off, Shawn?
326
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,431
- On!
- Good note!
327
00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:46,432
Back to one!
328
00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:48,601
Hey, Jackie D!
329
00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:52,272
Let's take a quick 500 so
everybody can meet Jack!
330
00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:53,563
- You know him?
331
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,442
Please help me
get his line. Fix this.
332
00:12:56,734 --> 00:13:00,196
- No, I don't need any
more problems to solve,
333
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:02,407
especially not him.
334
00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:04,284
I am the sisyphus
of "reaganing."
335
00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:05,785
- Yeah!
336
00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:08,079
That's the kind of
stuff I should be saying.
337
00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:11,582
It's in my head now. Let's roll.
338
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:13,584
- I'm sorry, jelly beans.
339
00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:16,754
I know how much the
gipper liked you, and...
340
00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:19,007
I've failed him.
341
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,633
It's funny.
342
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,719
I remember George
Shultz telling me
343
00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:24,679
how later in Reagan's presidency
344
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:28,266
when his mind
was, uh, resting...
345
00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:31,185
How they would use jelly
beans to convince people
346
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,229
that he was...
347
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,273
That's it.
348
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:36,607
I know how to fix Tracy.
349
00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,443
Make him eat these.
350
00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:40,028
I'll take care of the rest.
351
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:43,031
[Inspirational music]
352
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:51,205
♪ ♪
353
00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:56,294
[Imitating Tracy] Boys
and girls clubs of america,
354
00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:58,254
be great.
355
00:13:58,546 --> 00:13:59,630
- Oh, my god.
356
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,215
We got it!
357
00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:02,925
[Cheers and applause]
358
00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:05,970
- I'm on my way, Liz Lemon.
359
00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,598
Make way. I'm "reaganing."
360
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,267
- Don't you worry.
361
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:15,730
I'm sending you some money
so you can get your operation.
362
00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:17,416
Now, can you put a
human on the phone?
363
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:18,524
[Dial tone]
364
00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:20,151
Hello?
365
00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:27,325
- Well, Kenneth, it's over.
366
00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:28,868
I got made at Carvel.
367
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,913
They figured out our
scam and gave me this.
368
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,873
- What? No.
369
00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:35,917
- Sorry. It's the short grift.
370
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:38,086
You got to walk away.
371
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:39,796
- We can't stop now.
372
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:41,631
My family needs money.
373
00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:43,216
- But they're onto us.
374
00:14:43,508 --> 00:14:45,927
- I have another
idea... For a long con.
375
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,179
- Kenneth, I know your
intentions are good,
376
00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:50,681
but I don't like what
this is doing to you.
377
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:53,476
You seem meaner and stronger.
378
00:14:53,768 --> 00:14:56,979
What if you got a
motorcycle, and we did it on it?
379
00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:59,690
- Are you in or not?
- What's the angle?
380
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:03,027
- Who else was on that
Thanksgiving float with you?
381
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:05,154
- One last long grift, huh?
382
00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:07,532
Okay, I'm in.
383
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,075
But one rule...
384
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:11,035
Anybody gets hurt
during the score,
385
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,745
we leave them behind to die.
386
00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,622
Now...
387
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,375
Who are you, and
what are we doing?
388
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,252
- That cake is worth $40.
389
00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:21,003
- I'm not sure we can do that.
390
00:15:21,295 --> 00:15:24,173
- Liz wrote this
sketch before she left.
391
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:26,134
- Ice-cream-cake eating contest?
392
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,970
Okay, we're gonna need
about 20 cakes for this.
393
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,262
I'll tell props.
394
00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:32,557
- No, Pete. I'll tell props.
395
00:15:32,849 --> 00:15:33,849
- Okay.
396
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:35,351
- Good afternoon.
397
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:36,923
I would like 21 cakes that read,
398
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:39,230
"Frajer reunion 2010."
399
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,190
- Isn't it "Frasier"?
400
00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:42,482
- No, it's "Frajer."
401
00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:45,987
And I should know. I'm "Frajer."
402
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,555
I mean, "Frajer"?
403
00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:13,306
Come on.
404
00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:15,183
I should throw some tossed salad
405
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,895
and scrambled eggs at you.
406
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,565
- "Frajer."
407
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,991
No.
408
00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:36,078
"Frajer"!
409
00:16:36,370 --> 00:16:37,997
- We sold the cakes twice.
410
00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:40,291
You're a genius, Kenneth.
411
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:42,502
- $800 split 3 ways.
412
00:16:42,793 --> 00:16:44,233
Those ice-cream
saps will rue the day
413
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:45,838
they ever tangled with...
414
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,673
The best friends gang.
415
00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,885
[All laughing]
416
00:16:52,887 --> 00:16:55,181
- Lemon! Why did you leave?
417
00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:56,473
I'm trying to help you.
418
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,601
- You can't help me. No one can.
419
00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:00,978
- Well, I'm fixing you,
420
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:02,605
and I'm saving
your relationship.
421
00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:03,897
I can do it.
422
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:06,150
Look, sex is a
beautiful, natural,
423
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:09,320
and joyful part of our
shared human experience.
424
00:17:09,612 --> 00:17:10,772
- Hey, you two want to party?
425
00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:11,965
- Now is not a good time, miss.
426
00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:13,074
- $20 for a party,
427
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:15,117
$60 to bite me during it.
428
00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:17,449
I'll do stuff with a dog,
but I get to pick the dog.
429
00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:19,302
- People want that?
- This is not helping!
430
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,748
- You want to watch
me be with her?
431
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,040
Me with you?
432
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:23,918
Me and both of
you without my leg?
433
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:24,752
- Thank you.
434
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,254
Just, uh, take this
435
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:27,546
and, uh, move along.
436
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:28,917
- You two are pretty uptight
437
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:31,259
for hanging out under a bridge.
438
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,594
- Sex is horrible.
439
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,097
[Cell phone vibrates]
440
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,015
- What is it?
- It's 4:00, sir.
441
00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:40,476
You did it... a day of
perfect problem solving.
442
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:42,645
Gifts have been
coming in all afternoon.
443
00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:44,105
- It's 4:00?
444
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,023
- And you fixed me, so...
445
00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:47,733
Yay.
446
00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:48,609
- Send everything back.
447
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,279
- What? Why?
- I didn't do it.
448
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:52,572
I failed.
449
00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:54,490
- It's her, isn't it?
- Sorry.
450
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:57,076
- I hate her, sir!
451
00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:04,250
- Stupid cookie puss!
452
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:05,710
- Are you all right, miss?
453
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:09,797
- I just got fired 'cause
Kelsey Grammer scammed me.
454
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,249
Forget trying to go straight.
455
00:18:11,382 --> 00:18:15,928
I'm going back to
working under that bridge.
456
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,306
- I know.
- [Laughs]
457
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:19,718
- Kenneth, we got a new con.
458
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,172
We're gonna go down to Florida,
459
00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:22,935
open up a medical-supply store,
460
00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:24,707
then get some social
security numbers.
461
00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:26,314
- Through seduction.
462
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:27,607
- I'm sorry, sir-ma'am.
463
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,066
I'm out.
- What?
464
00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:30,526
Why?
465
00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:32,278
- Because miss
Maroney was wrong.
466
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,822
People did get
hurt by our actions.
467
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,450
And, yes, my
family sure could use
468
00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:40,786
a couple hundred more
dollars, but it's not right.
469
00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:42,663
- A couple hundred dollars, huh?
470
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,290
I think I can help you out.
471
00:18:44,582 --> 00:18:46,500
But first I'm gonna
need $50 to get started.
472
00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:48,586
- Kelsey, no.
473
00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:50,129
I'm proud of you, Kenneth.
474
00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:51,839
You've got a good heart.
475
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,609
I hope you get into a
car accident someday,
476
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:54,925
so I can have it.
477
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,777
- Now there's only
one thing left to do.
478
00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:58,888
Beat you out of the
best friends gang.
479
00:18:59,180 --> 00:19:00,931
[Slaps fist]
480
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:10,858
- Well, it's been a
pretty rough day,
481
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,430
but at least we're
in Newark now.
482
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,010
- What are you
gonna do about Carol?
483
00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:16,089
- I'm gonna break up with
him, let him off the hook.
484
00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:17,531
- That would be
a mistake, Lemon.
485
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:19,492
Yes, you are the
sexual equivalent
486
00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:21,786
of a million hindenburgs,
but you deserve
487
00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:23,746
someone like Carol in your life,
488
00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:25,278
and he deserves you, because...
489
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,142
And I'm only gonna
say this once a decade...
490
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,542
You're great.
491
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:31,003
You're Liz Lemon, damn it.
492
00:19:31,295 --> 00:19:32,495
In certain lights, you're an 8
493
00:19:32,713 --> 00:19:34,298
using east coast
over-35 standards,
494
00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:35,883
excluding Miami.
495
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,175
- Thanks, Jack.
496
00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:38,761
- You go in there,
you grab Carol,
497
00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:40,739
you take him into one of
those unisex family bathrooms,
498
00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:42,203
pull down that
diaper-changing thing,
499
00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:44,266
and go to town on him.
500
00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:46,158
- I'll try, but if I
couldn't get it done
501
00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,104
in Vegas after a
Penn & teller show,
502
00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:50,022
I don't know how it's
gonna happen here.
503
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:53,109
- Wait a minute.
504
00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:55,161
You had your problem
with Carol in Las Vegas?
505
00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:56,481
- So?
- The Tom Jones poster.
506
00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:58,781
Tom Jones plays
Vegas all the time.
507
00:19:59,073 --> 00:20:00,533
He has billboards everywhere.
508
00:20:00,825 --> 00:20:01,409
- No kidding.
509
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,786
There was one right outside
our hotel-room window.
510
00:20:04,078 --> 00:20:05,371
Oh, my god.
511
00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:06,765
- Think back to your
college boyfriend.
512
00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:08,165
Was there any...
- Yes!
513
00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:09,792
When this happened with Joel,
514
00:20:10,084 --> 00:20:11,324
what's new pussycat? Was playing
515
00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:12,377
on the bus we were on.
516
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:13,254
I mean, the room we were in.
517
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:14,826
And when it
happened with Dennis,
518
00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:16,129
he had just gotten a perm.
519
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:17,420
- Tom Jones is the trigger.
520
00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:20,428
He makes you remember your
mother taking the people away.
521
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,138
- Does this mean I'm fixed?
522
00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:24,630
- Oh, god, no. You've got
years of therapy ahead of you,
523
00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:25,682
probably electroshock.
524
00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:28,519
But this is a breakthrough,
Lemon, and a big one.
525
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:30,931
- Jack Donaghy, in my book,
you're better than Reagan.
526
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,999
- I appreciate that, Lemon,
but if you ever speak ill
527
00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:37,153
of Reagan again, I will
smack those teeth straight.
528
00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:41,449
- U-s-a! U-s-a!
529
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,577
U-s-a! U-s-a!
530
00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:48,873
He's at JFK.
531
00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:54,211
I wrote it down wrong.
532
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:55,838
[Car door closes]
533
00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,925
- How is the sex?
- Fast and only on Saturdays.
534
00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:01,217
It's perfect.
535
00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:02,503
I have been sexually rejected
536
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,389
by not one, but two guys
537
00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:07,391
who later went to clown college.
538
00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:09,843
And one time at summer
camp, I kissed a girl on a dare,
539
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,353
but then she drowned.
540
00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:13,606
It was the first gay
guy I ever kissed.
541
00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:15,316
Standing up? What?
542
00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:16,650
How does that even work?
543
00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:19,028
You haven't had sex?
- Shh.
544
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:20,960
We have, of course,
pleasured one another.
545
00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:22,239
- No, stop. I believe.
546
00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:24,408
Ugh! Stop saying,
"relationship."
547
00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:26,340
- I'm sorry. I was
going to say, "climax."
548
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:27,619
- Ah!
39031
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