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1
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10 minutes. 10 minutes to air.
2
00:00:04,087 --> 00:00:06,381
Cast, you should
change for the cold open.
3
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:08,091
[ Knock on door ]
4
00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:10,511
Hey, you wanted to see me?
5
00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:13,764
Does it seem
weird in here to you?
6
00:00:14,056 --> 00:00:16,266
[ Laughter ]
7
00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:19,394
Everything looks like
a Mexican soap opera.
8
00:00:20,437 --> 00:00:22,231
I don't know. Does it?
9
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,901
My god, I can see every
line and pore in your face.
10
00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:29,863
You look like a
ymca climbing wall.
11
00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:32,824
Yeah. Well, my face
cream was recalled.
12
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:37,287
Apparently, it was destroying
the lab rats', uh, uh...
13
00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:40,082
What is that word? Brains.
14
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:43,001
I just wanted you to know
that while Avery is pregnant,
15
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:44,795
I am giving up drinking.
16
00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:47,089
If she can't drink,
I won't drink.
17
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:50,842
Wow. I-I don't know if
that's a good idea for you.
18
00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:52,803
Remember what happened that time
19
00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:55,806
I tried to give up
refined sugars?
20
00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,849
Hey, looking good, Liz.
21
00:00:58,141 --> 00:00:59,768
[ Cheers and applause ]
22
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:03,355
Thank you. Thank
you. But you know what?
23
00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:05,941
Our bodies don't want
all of that processed junk.
24
00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:08,633
I don't know if you've had a
chance to read Michael Pollan...
25
00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:10,862
Who wants donuts? [ Chuckles ]
26
00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:13,490
I will kill you!
27
00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:16,952
[ Cheers and applause ]
28
00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:19,621
How come you're
better-looking in your memory?
29
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:23,000
'Cause my memory
has "Seinfeld" money.
30
00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:26,336
[ Cheers and applause ]
31
00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:29,881
Well, don't worry.
32
00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:32,718
For me, the drinking has
always been about the ritual,
33
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:34,761
so I just need to
replace the ritual.
34
00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:37,973
And, therefore, Avery has
got me this very nice tea set,
35
00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:40,350
some knitting needles
and some yarn,
36
00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:44,021
and a book on
sleight-of-hand magic.
37
00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:45,397
♪ Dah, dah-dah-dah ♪
38
00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:47,858
♪ dah-dah, dah-dah-dah ♪
♪ dah, dah-dah-dah ♪
39
00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:49,150
♪ dah-dah, dah-dah ♪
40
00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:51,078
♪ dah-dah-dah, dah-dah ♪
♪ dah, dah-dah-dah ♪
41
00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:54,114
That's as far as I've gotten.
42
00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:58,910
Okay, well, if that's it,
I'm gonna go downstairs.
43
00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:00,202
Have a good show.
44
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,164
I'm dreading watching it sober.
45
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,957
Okay.
46
00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:08,378
Hey, uh, Jack knows
it's my birthday, right?
47
00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:10,380
Hmm. Let me see.
48
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:14,384
Oh, I have my master list
of staff birthdays right here.
49
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:17,971
Oh, no. I seem to have
forgotten to put you on it.
50
00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:21,683
Uh-huh. Is this because of
that joke I made the other day?
51
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,769
Jonathan, can I have a pen?
52
00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:27,356
Yeah, and hurry up, Aladdin.
53
00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:31,151
Before Jasmine is
forced to marry jafar.
54
00:02:31,443 --> 00:02:33,362
[ Laughs ]
55
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,740
Similarities... Lemon, out.
56
00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:40,077
[ Cheers and applause ]
57
00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,079
I don't know what
you're talking about.
58
00:02:42,371 --> 00:02:44,581
Whatever. Jack will
remember my birthday
59
00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:45,957
because we're friends.
60
00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:47,876
Also, it's a pretty
big birthday.
61
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:50,295
[ Chuckling ] Oh. Are
you turning 1,000?
62
00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:54,508
Really, you want to play this
game with a comedy writer?
63
00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:58,011
Oh! God!
64
00:02:58,303 --> 00:02:59,721
Ugh!
65
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,431
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
66
00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:02,891
♪ live show ♪
67
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,435
♪ it's a "30 rock" live show ♪
♪ for pacific time ♪
68
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,312
♪ it's a place for
the late to roam ♪
69
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:08,939
♪ "30 rock" is live
in your home ♪
70
00:03:09,231 --> 00:03:11,775
♪ live show ♪
♪ it's a west coast live show ♪
71
00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:13,947
♪ let's talk about Sushi ♪
♪ do-do-do-do-do-do ♪
72
00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:17,656
♪ Portland, Vegas,
glendale, this is "30 rock" ♪
73
00:03:17,948 --> 00:03:19,825
[ Cheers and applause ]
74
00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:26,790
Oh. Hi, Edwiga.
75
00:03:27,082 --> 00:03:29,084
Hellos.
76
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,670
Haven't seen you in a long time.
77
00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:34,089
Yes. Bullet in brain move.
78
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,465
[ Chuckles ]
79
00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:37,300
Much hospital.
80
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:39,094
Oh, wow. I'm glad you're back.
81
00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:41,722
Oh, I want to tell you, there's
probably gonna be a party
82
00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:43,724
tonight because
it's my birthday.
83
00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:47,561
Ooh! "Happy days"
is my favorite show.
84
00:03:47,853 --> 00:03:50,814
Yeah, "happy days" is a... Is a
great show, but what I mean is,
85
00:03:51,106 --> 00:03:52,826
there might be a
little bit of a mess, so...
86
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,067
Ahh.
87
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:55,902
Yeah. Are we
understanding each other?
88
00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:58,155
Yeah, yeah. I-I clean you now?
89
00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:00,341
No, no. No. You don't have
to clean me, I'm just saying
90
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:02,701
you might have to clean
up after a surprise party later
91
00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:05,620
'cause it's my birthday,
and it's a big one. Wah!
92
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,789
Wah! Wah!
93
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,332
Wah! Wah!
94
00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:11,001
Wah! What are we doing, Edwiga?
95
00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:13,003
I like Fonzie.
96
00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:15,672
"Hey!"
97
00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:19,259
His office is bathroom,
just like Edwiga.
98
00:04:19,551 --> 00:04:20,551
[ Elevator bell dings ]
99
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,596
Okay. It's a good talk, Edwiga.
100
00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,222
Wah!
101
00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:29,770
Oh, miss Maroney. I
have your messages.
102
00:04:30,061 --> 00:04:33,398
A Mr. Brett fav-re stopped
by and dropped off this picture
103
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:34,900
of a hot dog.
104
00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:36,902
Oh.
105
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:38,987
Finally.
106
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,279
[ Chuckles ]
107
00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:42,741
Uh, the Chilean
miners are all out,
108
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,633
and they're really angry about
what you've been saying about them.
109
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,748
So I guess they're geniuses
for getting stuck in a mine.
110
00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:53,502
Uh... also, your
pharmacy called.
111
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,879
Apparently, you can't get
a prescription for ecstasy.
112
00:04:56,171 --> 00:04:59,257
[ Sighs ] Thanks, obamacare.
113
00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:03,386
If you need someone to scream
at, I'm right here. [ Chuckles ]
114
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:04,888
Hey, Kenneth.
115
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:07,891
Oh, ho-ho. Hello, Ms. Lemon.
116
00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:10,727
[ Giggles ] What's up, giggly?
117
00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:13,772
Oh, I don't know. Nothing.
118
00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:15,357
Mr. Hornberger needs to see you
119
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,859
in Mr. Jordan's
dressing room right away.
120
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,778
Oh, really? I wonder why.
121
00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:22,197
I don't know. You
better find out.
122
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,366
[ Laughs ]
123
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:28,411
Surprise, Liz!
124
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:30,583
Tracy's come up with a
new way to ruin the show.
125
00:05:30,872 --> 00:05:31,915
What? No, no.
126
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,376
I told you... your lizard
cannot be the musical guest.
127
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:35,794
Of course not.
128
00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:38,004
His album doesn't
drop until December.
129
00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:40,257
No, no, Liz.
130
00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:42,759
Last night, for
the first time ever,
131
00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:45,136
Tracy watched the
non-porn version
132
00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:46,930
of "the Carol Burnett show."
133
00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:48,265
Sure.
134
00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:50,684
It was even funnier
than the porn version.
135
00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:53,311
The best part is when the
actors started cracking up.
136
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,763
They laughed so hard, they
didn't even finish the skit.
137
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,107
Uh-huh. And your point is...
138
00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,401
I would like to do that, please.
139
00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:01,319
Do what?
140
00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:04,573
Crack up instead of saying
these stupid lines I wrote.
141
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:07,701
Stupid lines I wrote, and,
no, we're not doing that.
142
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:10,954
You never take my
creative suggestions.
143
00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:13,446
The only other one I can
remember is the time you wanted
144
00:06:13,582 --> 00:06:15,584
me to hire those two
strippers to dance behind you.
145
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:16,918
And you should have.
146
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,588
Those dudes were awesome...
147
00:06:20,589 --> 00:06:22,465
And so is my crack-up idea.
148
00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:25,135
Okay. Tracy, what you're
talking about is called
149
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,721
"breaking," and,
sure, audiences love it
150
00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:29,723
when something goes wrong.
151
00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:31,683
Okay, but we don't do that here.
152
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:33,977
It's cheap, so no
breaking. Promise?
153
00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:35,645
Promise.
154
00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:37,272
I swear on my mother's grape.
155
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,190
Wait. Did you say
"grave" or "grape"?
156
00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:40,859
Yes, goodbye.
157
00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:46,990
Gentlemen, tonight,
I'm gonna laugh harder
158
00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:51,328
tonight than I did
at Dot Com's play.
159
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:56,750
It was "angels
in america," tray.
160
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:01,338
[ Laughter ]
161
00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,840
Oh, Ms. Lemon,
Mr. Donaghy called.
162
00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:05,675
Why are you giggling like that?
163
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,177
It's very misleading.
164
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:10,347
Oh, I'm sorry. It's
just that Mr. Lutz
165
00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:12,891
is wearing a hilarious t-shirt,
166
00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:15,685
and every time I
see it, well, just look.
167
00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:18,063
Ha! [ Laughs ]
168
00:07:18,355 --> 00:07:20,690
Whoever's standing
next to him is stupid!
169
00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:22,776
That guy is stupid!
170
00:07:23,068 --> 00:07:24,235
Now she is.
171
00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:25,695
And now they are.
172
00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:27,697
Now I were.
173
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:29,783
[ Laughs ]
174
00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:34,120
Anyway... mr. Donaghy called
while you were with Mr. Jordan.
175
00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:36,331
He needs to see you
right away. [ Laughs ]
176
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:39,209
Liz. I almost forgot.
177
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:40,710
"Happy birthday"...
178
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:43,713
The song... legal says we
can't use it in the birthday sketch,
179
00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:48,426
but we can use "it's your
b-day, bitch," by Snooki's mom.
180
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:52,389
Wait. Did I just
hear you correctly?
181
00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:54,391
Because last year, I
wrote a song called
182
00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:56,393
"it's your birthday, slut."
183
00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:59,229
Does Mrs. Polizzi's track
sound anything like this?
184
00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:00,881
♪ You say that
it's your birthday ♪
185
00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:03,066
♪ time to skank it up hard ♪
186
00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,360
♪ choke a cop
with your panties ♪
187
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,696
No? No one?
188
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,741
Thank you.
189
00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:17,664
[ Knock on door ]
190
00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:19,040
Hey.
191
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:20,709
Did you just knit that?
192
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,128
I need a drink, Lemon.
193
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,171
Already? Okay, we
can get through this.
194
00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:27,424
It turns out that
it's not the ritual.
195
00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:29,884
According to a bunch
of online questionnaires,
196
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:31,302
I'm a problem drinker.
197
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,763
Oh, god, I have a
splitting headache!
198
00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:36,057
Replace the ritual.
Replace the ritual.
199
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:37,618
Would you come
over here, please?
200
00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:40,228
Yes, thank you. Thank you.
201
00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:51,740
Did you finish the magic book?
202
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,450
I cannot divulge my secrets.
203
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:56,202
I don't want to let Avery
down, but this is so hard.
204
00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:58,038
Lemon, distract me.
205
00:08:58,329 --> 00:08:59,789
Entertain me.
206
00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:03,043
Okay. Uh, open on the
covent garden flower market.
207
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:05,295
The year... 1892!
208
00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:07,964
[ Cockney accent ]
Flowers, flowers for sale!
209
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:10,341
Get out of here!
210
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,637
Did he remember your birthday?
211
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:17,474
Oh, come on. [ Sighs ]
212
00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:21,019
[ Jazz music plays ]
213
00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:23,313
15 seconds. What's up, New York?
214
00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:24,898
Tracy Jordan in the house!
215
00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:28,234
[ Cheers and applause ]
216
00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:30,653
You're the real stars!
217
00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:32,322
Not really!
218
00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:33,990
[ Dramatic music plays ]
219
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:38,203
Fox news, a division of
fox nonsense, incorporated.
220
00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:40,163
Welcome back to fox news.
221
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:43,249
I'm blond.
222
00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:46,127
President Obama,
in your own words,
223
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,963
why are you a terrorist
who hates america?
224
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:51,299
That's an excellent question.
225
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:52,675
Uh-oh!
226
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:56,012
I'm doing something
called "breaking"!
227
00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:58,264
[ Laughs maniacally ]
228
00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:00,809
Snort! Hee-hee-hee!
229
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,352
Giggle, giggle!
230
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,687
This audience loves this.
231
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:06,272
Jordan!
232
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,191
[ Cheers and applause ]
233
00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:09,483
Oh, that idiot.
234
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:10,693
[ Sighs ] Fine.
235
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:11,986
Just go to commercial.
236
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:13,988
Go to commercial.
237
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,280
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
238
00:10:15,490 --> 00:10:17,700
Erectile dysfunction...
239
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:20,120
It's not just a dog
problem anymore.
240
00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:22,789
It also affects millions of men.
241
00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:26,042
Hello. I'm "doctor"
Leo Spaceman.
242
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:29,045
For too long, erectile
dysfunction has been viewed
243
00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:32,715
as a physical problem and it's
been treated with pills and ointments
244
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:37,011
and contraptions whose
straps break all too easily.
245
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:40,098
But couldn't the real cause of
E.D. be that we haven't produced
246
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,725
a good doing-it song
since "close the door"
247
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:44,644
by Teddy Pendergrass?
248
00:10:44,936 --> 00:10:46,771
That's why I recorded an album.
249
00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:48,273
[ Slow music plays ]
250
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:51,401
♪ Baby, let's take it slow ♪
251
00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:54,070
♪ you know,
we've got all night ♪
252
00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:57,782
♪ light some candles, draw
a bath, and tied me to my
253
00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:02,745
radiator and put food
just out of reach ♪
254
00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:06,416
Guaranteed to end erectile
dysfunction, these are
255
00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:08,710
the sweet sounds of
"Dr. Leo Spaceman's
256
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:14,007
love storm: An ultra-strength
audio reboneulator."
257
00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:18,011
♪ Girl, I've been
knowing you a long time ♪
258
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:20,263
♪ and I think
tonight's the night ♪
259
00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:25,059
♪ this time you can be the man ♪
260
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:26,394
♪ strap... ♪
261
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,022
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
262
00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:31,107
[ Cheers and applause ]
263
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,283
Hey, idiot!
264
00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:43,870
Liz, I know we're not usually
the most grateful bunch,
265
00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:46,664
but everybody here...
And I mean everybody...
266
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:49,542
Is signing this birthday card
for Edwiga, the cleaning lady.
267
00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:52,003
Really? Edwiga's birthday?
268
00:11:52,295 --> 00:11:54,714
I look out for her. We're
friends with benefits.
269
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:58,676
Tracy, you should be
ashamed of yourself.
270
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:01,137
I can't be. I'm missing
that part of my brain.
271
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:03,264
Why... why are you doing this?
272
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:04,974
Why does anybody do anything?
273
00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:07,977
Because they're rich and they
have attention deficit disor...
274
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:09,979
Look at Lutz's shirt.
275
00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:11,356
Ah!
276
00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:14,150
You are ruining the
show. No more laughing.
277
00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:16,945
No more laughing. Kraut's honor.
278
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,780
Wait. Did you say
"scout" or "kraut"?
279
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,072
Goodbye!
280
00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:22,283
[ Cellphone ringing ]
281
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:25,203
Oh. Carol, I knew you
wouldn't forget about me today.
282
00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:26,871
No nonessential chatter, Liz.
283
00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:29,165
I'm having the worst
flight of my career.
284
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:32,001
Wind shears, lightning,
severe turbulence.
285
00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:34,170
The in-flight meal
was a frittata.
286
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:36,631
Oh, my god. At night?
287
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:39,175
So, Lizzie, look, if
something were to happen, i-i
288
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:41,344
just want you to know I...
289
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,304
I need you to go to my apartment
290
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,098
in Raleigh and clear out any
291
00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:48,142
porn before my mom gets there.
292
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:49,434
That's it?
293
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:52,313
Well, I-I also need you
to TiVo "bones" for me
294
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,023
in case I survive.
295
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:56,275
You know what, Carol?
Today is a very special day,
296
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:57,442
and you should know that.
297
00:12:57,652 --> 00:12:59,964
Also, you should know that you
can't use cellphones on a plane.
298
00:12:59,988 --> 00:13:02,407
Wait, no, that's something we
just tell passengers to keep...
299
00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:03,859
[ electricity powering down ]
300
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:05,952
Oh, h-hang on. I gotta go.
301
00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:07,324
[ Electricity powering up ]
302
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,850
Oh, man, I think I
just really screwed
303
00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:10,193
something up with my girlfriend.
304
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:13,126
You know, I've always loved you.
305
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:16,796
Not now, Kevin.
306
00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:18,381
Copy that.
307
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,844
Liz, how could you
let Tracy do this to me?
308
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:25,388
Don't worry. It's
under control, or not.
309
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,265
I am a professional, Liz.
310
00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:30,184
I have never broken
during a performance, ever.
311
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:32,145
I was onstage in "pippin" with
312
00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:34,063
Irene Ryan when she died,
313
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:35,355
and I kept going.
314
00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:37,900
I know, and that is
why you're so amazing.
315
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,352
Oh, I have never broken, Liz,
316
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:41,571
but if he tries to
pull that stunt again,
317
00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:43,906
I will have a
wardrobe malfunction.
318
00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:46,075
Oh, I will slip a nip, Liz.
319
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,870
So help me, I will slip a nip.
320
00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:51,080
[ Sighs ]
321
00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:54,042
Hi, Edwiga. How are you?
322
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:55,334
Sit on it!
323
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:57,295
[ Chuckles ]
324
00:13:57,587 --> 00:14:00,048
[ Inhales deeply ]
[ Exhales deeply ]
325
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,382
[ Inhales deeply ]
326
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,134
[ Exhales deeply ]
327
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:04,969
Are you sniffing paint?
328
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:08,389
Of course I am, Lemon.
Men need alcohol.
329
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,081
It gives us the ability to hit on
women and later, when we're
330
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,269
married, to tune them out.
331
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:15,361
I don't know how much
more of this I can take.
332
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,190
This is the worst
day of my life.
333
00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:18,900
Your life? Of your life?
334
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,032
Oh, god. How is this
going to become about you?
335
00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:22,235
It's my birthday, Jack!
336
00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:24,739
It is my 40th birthday,
and no one remembered!
337
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,949
Damn you, she-beasts!
338
00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:28,326
What?
339
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:31,287
You and Avery... you lay
these traps for me to fail!
340
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,206
[ Inhales deeply ]
[ Exhales deeply ]
341
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,917
Lemon, I'm sorry I
forgot your birthday.
342
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:37,293
I'm not myself right now.
343
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:42,215
Please accept this
$1,000 as my gift to you.
344
00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:45,259
I'm gonna take this on principle,
but it doesn't fix anything.
345
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:46,761
What can I tell you?
346
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,572
This is what happens to
people like you and me,
347
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:49,996
who put work before
everything else.
348
00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:51,974
Do you know where I
spent my 40th birthday?
349
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,811
In my office all night long.
350
00:14:55,103 --> 00:15:00,358
[ Dance music plays ]
351
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:03,778
Wow. You were
very fit back then.
352
00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:08,199
Yes, but my penis was smaller.
353
00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:12,245
[ Sighs ]
354
00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:15,206
Look, Jack, you know, I don't
want to make you feel guilty.
355
00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:17,083
I mean, I know who I am.
356
00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:19,669
I know I'm not the funnest
person in the group.
357
00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:22,588
I'm not the one you call when
you want to go out clubbing
358
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,966
on the town and
party dance all night.
359
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,718
Why are you speaking
like a persian immigrant?
360
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:31,806
But I thought at least these
dummies would do something
361
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:34,684
for me besides set a bunch
of fires I have to put out.
362
00:15:34,976 --> 00:15:37,061
I thought that
when I turned 40...
363
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:40,064
40... I could really
drink a 40 right now.
364
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:46,821
Oprah, this is what the inside
of a child's face looks like.
365
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:48,865
Oh, no!
366
00:15:49,157 --> 00:15:51,284
My Oprah wig is falling off!
367
00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:52,994
Exciting mishap!
368
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,121
This is live!
369
00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:57,832
What the blerg?!
370
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:00,793
[ Clears throat ] Jenna.
371
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:03,004
Mm? Have you been drinking?
372
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,715
[ Laughing ] No. I had a
bottle of wine with dinner.
373
00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:08,426
May I smell your mouth?
374
00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:11,053
I thought you'd never ask.
375
00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:15,349
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
376
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:17,643
I gave up drinking
while Avery's pregnant.
377
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:18,935
It's been very hard.
378
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,188
Oh, of course.
379
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,857
But caring for someone
means making sacrifices, Jack.
380
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,692
[ Breathes deeply ]
381
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,694
Being with Paul
has taught me that.
382
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,988
It's made me much more mature.
383
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:33,075
Oh, Tracy. It is nipple time!
384
00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:36,078
Now my moustache is askew!
385
00:16:36,370 --> 00:16:38,206
Oops, that thing fell.
386
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,583
And that thing, too!
387
00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:46,923
Uh-oh! My shirt is accidentally
falling off! [ Laughs ]
388
00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:48,966
America!
389
00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:54,388
I warned you, Liz, and
now I am slipping a nip...
390
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,098
The big one.
391
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:58,184
Go to commercial!
To commercial, go!
392
00:16:58,476 --> 00:16:59,685
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
393
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:00,977
Hi.
394
00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:03,189
[ Cheers and applause ]
395
00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:05,566
I'm Dr. Drew Baird.
396
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,027
Every year, dozens
of people lose a hand
397
00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:11,739
to a helicopter or a fireworks
mishap or, in my case, both.
398
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:14,867
But thanks to groundbreaking
research at the Yale university
399
00:17:15,159 --> 00:17:16,869
center for hand-frankensteining,
400
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,413
hand transplants are a reality,
401
00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:22,041
making life better for
people all over the world...
402
00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:24,460
People like me.
403
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:28,673
Of course, donors are rare.
404
00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:31,759
As you can see, I had
to accept a female hand.
405
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,470
A number of which became
available after a giant
406
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,806
explosion at a Josh
Groban concert.
407
00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:40,977
So please give, and
give someone a hand.
408
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:43,437
I'm sorry. I'm trying to
do a thumbs-up here.
409
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:45,690
She... she doesn't
always listen.
410
00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:48,776
Okay. No, no, no, no. No. No.
411
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,362
This is not the time.
Please, we are in public.
412
00:17:51,654 --> 00:17:54,407
No. No. Stop it, Marjorie.
413
00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:56,659
No. Obey me. Oh, ow.
414
00:17:56,951 --> 00:17:59,245
Okay, please,
just... I'm so tired.
415
00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:02,248
Oh, god. Please
take off your rings.
416
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:04,625
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
417
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,544
[ Cheers and applause ]
418
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:12,842
Listen up. We forgot
Liz Lemon's birthday,
419
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:14,302
her 40th birthday.
420
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:17,054
Oh, how? You gave me your list.
421
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:18,681
[ Squawks ]
422
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:21,708
Never mind how it happened...
That's water under the bridge.
423
00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:24,604
I'm sorry. We don't have
that expression in Canada.
424
00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:26,957
Does that mean that what
happened can be used to power
425
00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:28,899
a lumber mill?
426
00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:31,193
It means that we're
going to do something nice
427
00:18:31,485 --> 00:18:32,695
for our friend Liz Lemon.
428
00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:35,427
Because she takes care of us,
we're going to take care of her,
429
00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:38,409
even if we are currently sober
for the first time in 10 years.
430
00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:41,370
Not me. I just got my
10-year drunk chip.
431
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:43,039
[ All murmuring ]
432
00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:44,771
Uh, Pete, what can
you pull together?
433
00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:47,001
Is there still time to do
something on the air for Liz?
434
00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:48,753
Not really. I mean, I could cut
435
00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:51,213
the product placement
for capital one.
436
00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:52,545
Oh, no, you can't do that.
437
00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:54,425
The capital one
venture card is amazing.
438
00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:58,220
They give double miles
every day with every purchase.
439
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,727
I guess the cast could say
something during "good nights."
440
00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:06,622
No, it has to be big
enough that Liz believes
441
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,147
we were planning
something all along.
442
00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:11,067
Oh, I've got an idea!
443
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:13,778
What if...
444
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:15,112
We...
445
00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:17,281
Spit it out before I drink you!
446
00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:20,159
Cast to the floor
for good nights.
447
00:19:20,451 --> 00:19:22,411
Cast, please set
yourselves for good nights.
448
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,664
[ Cellphone ringing ]
449
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:26,123
Did you crash?
450
00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:29,168
No, but it was pretty
scary... I mean, well,
451
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:31,563
not like the stuff I saw in
the air force, of course...
452
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,381
Like, this one time me
and a bunch of pilots,
453
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,341
we went to a haunted
house in Germany.
454
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,468
That was messed up!
455
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,012
Today's my birthday, Carol.
456
00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:42,473
It's your birthday. Damn it.
457
00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:45,851
I'm sorry. Uh, happy
birthday, Lizzie.
458
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:48,354
Don't worry about it. These
dummies here have known me
459
00:19:48,646 --> 00:19:50,856
a lot longer, and
none of them...
460
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:53,109
Oh, my god.
461
00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:57,238
You did remember.
462
00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:58,698
Wait. What's happening now?
463
00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:00,866
Is that a surprise
party? Surprise!
464
00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:02,827
I was totally in on it!
465
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,287
It was expensive!
466
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:09,291
Happy birthday, Lemon.
467
00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:11,460
You... you knew all along.
468
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:13,337
[ Chuckles ] Come on.
469
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:15,669
You didn't think we'd
forget your birthday, did you?
470
00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:16,924
30 seconds!
471
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:18,759
Is that a polka band?
472
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,428
Happy birthday.
473
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:21,887
Wait a minute.
474
00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:24,974
Why is Henry winkler on my cake?
475
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,310
I like Fonzie.
476
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,855
"Hey!"
477
00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,607
This is supposed
to be for Edwiga.
478
00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:35,401
No, everybody loves the Fonz.
479
00:20:35,693 --> 00:20:37,570
10 seconds.
480
00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:40,322
You stole an old
cleaning lady's birthday
481
00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:42,241
just to try to make me happy?
482
00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:43,784
In my defense...
483
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:46,203
Yes.
484
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:49,290
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
485
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:51,083
5 seconds back.
486
00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:53,711
4, 3, 2...
487
00:20:54,003 --> 00:20:55,921
[ shouting in native language ]
488
00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:57,590
[ Polka music plays ]
489
00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,341
[ Shouting indistinctly ]
490
00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:02,136
On behalf of everyone here
at "TGS," we just want to wish...
491
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,638
Good night! Aah! Aah! Help!
492
00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:06,182
Her thumbs are in my eyes!
493
00:21:06,474 --> 00:21:08,642
[ Cheers and applause ]
494
00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:15,232
Well, Lemon, I'm sorry
your birthday didn't turn out
495
00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:17,485
the way you hoped, but
at least it was memorable.
496
00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:19,528
No, you know
what? It was perfect.
497
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:21,822
It was the best
of... Buh-buh-buh.
498
00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:23,491
Oh, sorry.
499
00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:26,994
[ Cheers and applause ]
500
00:21:27,912 --> 00:21:30,372
You know, it was perfect. It
was the best of both worlds.
501
00:21:30,664 --> 00:21:32,958
I got to feel martyred
and indignant all day,
502
00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:35,169
and I still got to
eat the Fonz' face.
503
00:21:36,045 --> 00:21:38,047
But I have one
more birthday wish.
504
00:21:38,339 --> 00:21:40,216
I want you to have
one drink with me.
505
00:21:41,050 --> 00:21:42,760
Well, I promised
Avery I wouldn't,
506
00:21:43,052 --> 00:21:47,014
but it's dangerous to deny
the wishes of an old spinster.
507
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:48,766
[ Chuckles ]
508
00:21:49,058 --> 00:21:50,810
You may turn me into a crow.
509
00:21:51,101 --> 00:21:52,144
To Liz Lemon.
510
00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:54,980
You're halfway to death.
511
00:21:58,442 --> 00:22:00,277
That's more like it.
512
00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:01,569
[ Sighs ]
513
00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:04,573
[ Cheers and applause ]
514
00:22:10,287 --> 00:22:12,998
Thank you to Matt Damon,
Rachel Dratch, bill Hader,
515
00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:16,085
Jon Hamm, Julia Louis-Dreyfus,
Garrett Neff, Chris Parnell,
516
00:22:16,377 --> 00:22:17,586
and everyone at NBC.
517
00:22:17,878 --> 00:22:21,090
"30 rock" crew, I love
you! "SNL" crew, I love you!
518
00:22:21,382 --> 00:22:24,385
[ Cheers and applause ]
519
00:22:48,742 --> 00:22:51,871
You're watching
"the office" right now.
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