Original subtitles

10 minutes. 10 minutes to air.

Cast, you should change for the cold open.

[ Knock on door ]

Hey, you wanted to see me?

Does it seem weird in here to you?

[ Laughter ]

Everything looks like a Mexican soap opera.

I don't know. Does it?

My god, I can see every line and pore in your face.

You look like a ymca climbing wall.

Yeah. Well, my face cream was recalled.

Apparently, it was destroying the lab rats', uh, uh...

What is that word? Brains.

I just wanted you to know that while Avery is pregnant,

I am giving up drinking.

If she can't drink, I won't drink.

Wow. I-I don't know if that's a good idea for you.

Remember what happened that time

I tried to give up refined sugars?

Hey, looking good, Liz.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you. Thank you. But you know what?

Our bodies don't want all of that processed junk.

I don't know if you've had a chance to read Michael Pollan...

Who wants donuts? [ Chuckles ]

I will kill you!

[ Cheers and applause ]

How come you're better-looking in your memory?

'Cause my memory has "Seinfeld" money.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Well, don't worry.

For me, the drinking has always been about the ritual,

so I just need to replace the ritual.

And, therefore, Avery has got me this very nice tea set,

some knitting needles and some yarn,

and a book on sleight-of-hand magic.

♪ Dah, dah-dah-dah ♪

♪ dah-dah, dah-dah-dah ♪ ♪ dah, dah-dah-dah ♪

♪ dah-dah, dah-dah ♪

♪ dah-dah-dah, dah-dah ♪ ♪ dah, dah-dah-dah ♪

That's as far as I've gotten.

Okay, well, if that's it, I'm gonna go downstairs.

Have a good show.

I'm dreading watching it sober.

Okay.

Hey, uh, Jack knows it's my birthday, right?

Hmm. Let me see.

Oh, I have my master list of staff birthdays right here.

Oh, no. I seem to have forgotten to put you on it.

Uh-huh. Is this because of that joke I made the other day?

Jonathan, can I have a pen?

Yeah, and hurry up, Aladdin.

Before Jasmine is forced to marry jafar.

[ Laughs ]

Similarities... Lemon, out.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I don't know what you're talking about.

Whatever. Jack will remember my birthday

because we're friends.

Also, it's a pretty big birthday.

[ Chuckling ] Oh. Are you turning 1,000?

Really, you want to play this game with a comedy writer?

Oh! God!

Ugh!

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ live show ♪

♪ it's a "30 rock" live show ♪ ♪ for pacific time ♪

♪ it's a place for the late to roam ♪

♪ "30 rock" is live in your home ♪

♪ live show ♪ ♪ it's a west coast live show ♪

♪ let's talk about Sushi ♪ ♪ do-do-do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Portland, Vegas, glendale, this is "30 rock" ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh. Hi, Edwiga.

Hellos.

Haven't seen you in a long time.

Yes. Bullet in brain move.

[ Chuckles ]

Much hospital.

Oh, wow. I'm glad you're back.

Oh, I want to tell you, there's probably gonna be a party

tonight because it's my birthday.

Ooh! "Happy days" is my favorite show.

Yeah, "happy days" is a... Is a great show, but what I mean is,

there might be a little bit of a mess, so...

Ahh.

Yeah. Are we understanding each other?

Yeah, yeah. I-I clean you now?

No, no. No. You don't have to clean me, I'm just saying

you might have to clean up after a surprise party later

'cause it's my birthday, and it's a big one. Wah!

Wah! Wah!

Wah! Wah!

Wah! What are we doing, Edwiga?

I like Fonzie.

"Hey!"

His office is bathroom, just like Edwiga.

[ Elevator bell dings ]

Okay. It's a good talk, Edwiga.

Wah!

Oh, miss Maroney. I have your messages.

A Mr. Brett fav-re stopped by and dropped off this picture

of a hot dog.

Oh.

Finally.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, the Chilean miners are all out,

and they're really angry about what you've been saying about them.

So I guess they're geniuses for getting stuck in a mine.

Uh... also, your pharmacy called.

Apparently, you can't get a prescription for ecstasy.

[ Sighs ] Thanks, obamacare.

If you need someone to scream at, I'm right here. [ Chuckles ]

Hey, Kenneth.

Oh, ho-ho. Hello, Ms. Lemon.

[ Giggles ] What's up, giggly?

Oh, I don't know. Nothing.

Mr. Hornberger needs to see you

in Mr. Jordan's dressing room right away.

Oh, really? I wonder why.

I don't know. You better find out.

[ Laughs ]

Surprise, Liz!

Tracy's come up with a new way to ruin the show.

What? No, no.

I told you... your lizard cannot be the musical guest.

Of course not.

His album doesn't drop until December.

No, no, Liz.

Last night, for the first time ever,

Tracy watched the non-porn version

of "the Carol Burnett show."

Sure.

It was even funnier than the porn version.

The best part is when the actors started cracking up.

They laughed so hard, they didn't even finish the skit.

Uh-huh. And your point is...

I would like to do that, please.

Do what?

Crack up instead of saying these stupid lines I wrote.

Stupid lines I wrote, and, no, we're not doing that.

You never take my creative suggestions.

The only other one I can remember is the time you wanted

me to hire those two strippers to dance behind you.

And you should have.

Those dudes were awesome...

And so is my crack-up idea.

Okay. Tracy, what you're talking about is called

"breaking," and, sure, audiences love it

when something goes wrong.

Okay, but we don't do that here.

It's cheap, so no breaking. Promise?

Promise.

I swear on my mother's grape.

Wait. Did you say "grave" or "grape"?

Yes, goodbye.

Gentlemen, tonight, I'm gonna laugh harder

tonight than I did at Dot Com's play.

It was "angels in america," tray.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, Ms. Lemon, Mr. Donaghy called.

Why are you giggling like that?

It's very misleading.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that Mr. Lutz

is wearing a hilarious t-shirt,

and every time I see it, well, just look.

Ha! [ Laughs ]

Whoever's standing next to him is stupid!

That guy is stupid!

Now she is.

And now they are.

Now I were.

[ Laughs ]

Anyway... mr. Donaghy called while you were with Mr. Jordan.

He needs to see you right away. [ Laughs ]

Liz. I almost forgot.

"Happy birthday"...

The song... legal says we can't use it in the birthday sketch,

but we can use "it's your b-day, bitch," by Snooki's mom.

Wait. Did I just hear you correctly?

Because last year, I wrote a song called

"it's your birthday, slut."

Does Mrs. Polizzi's track sound anything like this?

♪ You say that it's your birthday ♪

♪ time to skank it up hard ♪

♪ choke a cop with your panties ♪

No? No one?

Thank you.

[ Knock on door ]

Hey.

Did you just knit that?

I need a drink, Lemon.

Already? Okay, we can get through this.

It turns out that it's not the ritual.

According to a bunch of online questionnaires,

I'm a problem drinker.

Oh, god, I have a splitting headache!

Replace the ritual. Replace the ritual.

Would you come over here, please?

Yes, thank you. Thank you.

Did you finish the magic book?

I cannot divulge my secrets.

I don't want to let Avery down, but this is so hard.

Lemon, distract me.

Entertain me.

Okay. Uh, open on the covent garden flower market.

The year... 1892!

[ Cockney accent ] Flowers, flowers for sale!

Get out of here!

Did he remember your birthday?

Oh, come on. [ Sighs ]

[ Jazz music plays ]

15 seconds. What's up, New York?

Tracy Jordan in the house!

[ Cheers and applause ]

You're the real stars!

Not really!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Fox news, a division of fox nonsense, incorporated.

Welcome back to fox news.

I'm blond.

President Obama, in your own words,

why are you a terrorist who hates america?

That's an excellent question.

Uh-oh!

I'm doing something called "breaking"!

[ Laughs maniacally ]

Snort! Hee-hee-hee!

Giggle, giggle!

This audience loves this.

Jordan!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, that idiot.

[ Sighs ] Fine.

Just go to commercial.

Go to commercial.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Erectile dysfunction...

It's not just a dog problem anymore.

It also affects millions of men.

Hello. I'm "doctor" Leo Spaceman.

For too long, erectile dysfunction has been viewed

as a physical problem and it's been treated with pills and ointments

and contraptions whose straps break all too easily.

But couldn't the real cause of E.D. be that we haven't produced

a good doing-it song since "close the door"

by Teddy Pendergrass?

That's why I recorded an album.

[ Slow music plays ]

♪ Baby, let's take it slow ♪

♪ you know, we've got all night ♪

♪ light some candles, draw a bath, and tied me to my

radiator and put food just out of reach ♪

Guaranteed to end erectile dysfunction, these are

the sweet sounds of "Dr. Leo Spaceman's

love storm: An ultra-strength audio reboneulator."

♪ Girl, I've been knowing you a long time ♪

♪ and I think tonight's the night ♪

♪ this time you can be the man ♪

♪ strap... ♪

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, idiot!

Liz, I know we're not usually the most grateful bunch,

but everybody here... And I mean everybody...

Is signing this birthday card for Edwiga, the cleaning lady.

Really? Edwiga's birthday?

I look out for her. We're friends with benefits.

Tracy, you should be ashamed of yourself.

I can't be. I'm missing that part of my brain.

Why... why are you doing this?

Why does anybody do anything?

Because they're rich and they have attention deficit disor...

Look at Lutz's shirt.

Ah!

You are ruining the show. No more laughing.

No more laughing. Kraut's honor.

Wait. Did you say "scout" or "kraut"?

Goodbye!

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Oh. Carol, I knew you wouldn't forget about me today.

No nonessential chatter, Liz.

I'm having the worst flight of my career.

Wind shears, lightning, severe turbulence.

The in-flight meal was a frittata.

Oh, my god. At night?

So, Lizzie, look, if something were to happen, i-i

just want you to know I...

I need you to go to my apartment

in Raleigh and clear out any

porn before my mom gets there.

That's it?

Well, I-I also need you to TiVo "bones" for me

in case I survive.

You know what, Carol? Today is a very special day,

and you should know that.

Also, you should know that you can't use cellphones on a plane.

Wait, no, that's something we just tell passengers to keep...

[ electricity powering down ]

Oh, h-hang on. I gotta go.

[ Electricity powering up ]

Oh, man, I think I just really screwed

something up with my girlfriend.

You know, I've always loved you.

Not now, Kevin.

Copy that.

Liz, how could you let Tracy do this to me?

Don't worry. It's under control, or not.

I am a professional, Liz.

I have never broken during a performance, ever.

I was onstage in "pippin" with

Irene Ryan when she died,

and I kept going.

I know, and that is why you're so amazing.

Oh, I have never broken, Liz,

but if he tries to pull that stunt again,

I will have a wardrobe malfunction.

Oh, I will slip a nip, Liz.

So help me, I will slip a nip.

[ Sighs ]

Hi, Edwiga. How are you?

Sit on it!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Inhales deeply ] [ Exhales deeply ]

[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

Are you sniffing paint?

Of course I am, Lemon. Men need alcohol.

It gives us the ability to hit on women and later, when we're

married, to tune them out.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

This is the worst day of my life.

Your life? Of your life?

Oh, god. How is this going to become about you?

It's my birthday, Jack!

It is my 40th birthday, and no one remembered!

Damn you, she-beasts!

What?

You and Avery... you lay these traps for me to fail!

[ Inhales deeply ] [ Exhales deeply ]

Lemon, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday.

I'm not myself right now.

Please accept this $1,000 as my gift to you.

I'm gonna take this on principle, but it doesn't fix anything.

What can I tell you?

This is what happens to people like you and me,

who put work before everything else.

Do you know where I spent my 40th birthday?

In my office all night long.

[ Dance music plays ]

Wow. You were very fit back then.

Yes, but my penis was smaller.

[ Sighs ]

Look, Jack, you know, I don't want to make you feel guilty.

I mean, I know who I am.

I know I'm not the funnest person in the group.

I'm not the one you call when you want to go out clubbing

on the town and party dance all night.

Why are you speaking like a persian immigrant?

But I thought at least these dummies would do something

for me besides set a bunch of fires I have to put out.

I thought that when I turned 40...

40... I could really drink a 40 right now.

Oprah, this is what the inside of a child's face looks like.

Oh, no!

My Oprah wig is falling off!

Exciting mishap!

This is live!

What the blerg?!

[ Clears throat ] Jenna.

Mm? Have you been drinking?

[ Laughing ] No. I had a bottle of wine with dinner.

May I smell your mouth?

I thought you'd never ask.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I gave up drinking while Avery's pregnant.

It's been very hard.

Oh, of course.

But caring for someone means making sacrifices, Jack.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Being with Paul has taught me that.

It's made me much more mature.

Oh, Tracy. It is nipple time!

Now my moustache is askew!

Oops, that thing fell.

And that thing, too!

Uh-oh! My shirt is accidentally falling off! [ Laughs ]

America!

I warned you, Liz, and now I am slipping a nip...

The big one.

Go to commercial! To commercial, go!

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Hi.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I'm Dr. Drew Baird.

Every year, dozens of people lose a hand

to a helicopter or a fireworks mishap or, in my case, both.

But thanks to groundbreaking research at the Yale university

center for hand-frankensteining,

hand transplants are a reality,

making life better for people all over the world...

People like me.

Of course, donors are rare.

As you can see, I had to accept a female hand.

A number of which became available after a giant

explosion at a Josh Groban concert.

So please give, and give someone a hand.

I'm sorry. I'm trying to do a thumbs-up here.

She... she doesn't always listen.

Okay. No, no, no, no. No. No.

This is not the time. Please, we are in public.

No. No. Stop it, Marjorie.

No. Obey me. Oh, ow.

Okay, please, just... I'm so tired.

Oh, god. Please take off your rings.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Listen up. We forgot Liz Lemon's birthday,

her 40th birthday.

Oh, how? You gave me your list.

[ Squawks ]

Never mind how it happened... That's water under the bridge.

I'm sorry. We don't have that expression in Canada.

Does that mean that what happened can be used to power

a lumber mill?

It means that we're going to do something nice

for our friend Liz Lemon.

Because she takes care of us, we're going to take care of her,

even if we are currently sober for the first time in 10 years.

Not me. I just got my 10-year drunk chip.

[ All murmuring ]

Uh, Pete, what can you pull together?

Is there still time to do something on the air for Liz?

Not really. I mean, I could cut

the product placement for capital one.

Oh, no, you can't do that.

The capital one venture card is amazing.

They give double miles every day with every purchase.

I guess the cast could say something during "good nights."

No, it has to be big enough that Liz believes

we were planning something all along.

Oh, I've got an idea!

What if...

We...

Spit it out before I drink you!

Cast to the floor for good nights.

Cast, please set yourselves for good nights.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Did you crash?

No, but it was pretty scary... I mean, well,

not like the stuff I saw in the air force, of course...

Like, this one time me and a bunch of pilots,

we went to a haunted house in Germany.

That was messed up!

Today's my birthday, Carol.

It's your birthday. Damn it.

I'm sorry. Uh, happy birthday, Lizzie.

Don't worry about it. These dummies here have known me

a lot longer, and none of them...

Oh, my god.

You did remember.

Wait. What's happening now?

Is that a surprise party? Surprise!

I was totally in on it!

It was expensive!

Happy birthday, Lemon.

You... you knew all along.

[ Chuckles ] Come on.

You didn't think we'd forget your birthday, did you?

30 seconds!

Is that a polka band?

Happy birthday.

Wait a minute.

Why is Henry winkler on my cake?

I like Fonzie.

"Hey!"

This is supposed to be for Edwiga.

No, everybody loves the Fonz.

10 seconds.

You stole an old cleaning lady's birthday

just to try to make me happy?

In my defense...

Yes.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

5 seconds back.

4, 3, 2...

[ shouting in native language ]

[ Polka music plays ]

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

On behalf of everyone here at "TGS," we just want to wish...

Good night! Aah! Aah! Help!

Her thumbs are in my eyes!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Well, Lemon, I'm sorry your birthday didn't turn out

the way you hoped, but at least it was memorable.

No, you know what? It was perfect.

It was the best of... Buh-buh-buh.

Oh, sorry.

[ Cheers and applause ]

You know, it was perfect. It was the best of both worlds.

I got to feel martyred and indignant all day,

and I still got to eat the Fonz' face.

But I have one more birthday wish.

I want you to have one drink with me.

Well, I promised Avery I wouldn't,

but it's dangerous to deny the wishes of an old spinster.

[ Chuckles ]

You may turn me into a crow.

To Liz Lemon.

You're halfway to death.

That's more like it.

[ Sighs ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you to Matt Damon, Rachel Dratch, bill Hader,

Jon Hamm, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Garrett Neff, Chris Parnell,

and everyone at NBC.

"30 rock" crew, I love you! "SNL" crew, I love you!

[ Cheers and applause ]

You're watching "the office" right now.