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1
00:00:01,752 --> 00:00:04,671
[Telephone rings]
- No, Tom Jones, no!
2
00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:07,382
- Lemon, it's Jack.
- Who Jackie?
3
00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:08,860
- Oh, Lemon, Avery
and I just got back
4
00:00:08,884 --> 00:00:12,638
from the most amazing
vacation on Paul Allen's yacht.
5
00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:14,723
And for four glorious weeks,
6
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,142
my naturally blonde
lady love and I basked
7
00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:18,560
in the three "s" s...
8
00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:21,313
Surf, sun, and...
- Sandwiches?
9
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,607
- Heh, we didn't need
sandwiches, Lemon.
10
00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:26,109
It was so warm you could
pick fully cooked lobsters
11
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:27,486
out of the water.
12
00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:28,820
Sheer bliss.
13
00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,532
Avery is the most perfect
woman ever created.
14
00:00:31,823 --> 00:00:35,869
Like a young Bo Derek
stuffed with a Barry goldwater.
15
00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,681
- You sound weird.
Do you have a beard?
16
00:00:37,913 --> 00:00:40,707
- Not for long.
It's back to reality.
17
00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:42,584
No more making love on the beach
18
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:45,587
surrounded by a privacy
circle of English-trained butlers.
19
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:46,547
But I've got to get
out of island mode
20
00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:48,340
and back into work mode.
21
00:00:48,632 --> 00:00:50,342
How was your summer?
22
00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:53,428
- Get this, my gynecologist
committed suicide.
23
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,306
- And I'm back!
[Phone beeps off]
24
00:00:56,974 --> 00:00:59,434
[Telephone rings]
- Carol!
25
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,166
- Hey, Lizzie, I'm
about to take off.
26
00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:02,396
I'm in lambert, St. Louis,
27
00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:04,398
and I can see the
arch from here.
28
00:01:04,690 --> 00:01:07,359
No, wait, actually that's a
half-burned-down McDonald's.
29
00:01:07,651 --> 00:01:10,320
Anyway, weather's
great, and I just have to go
30
00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:12,864
St. Louis-Newark,
Newark-Atlantic city,
31
00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:15,036
Atlantic city to Newark,
and then I'll be there.
32
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:17,369
- Who flies Newark
to Atlantic city?
33
00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:21,164
- Black bachelorette
parties. Gotta go.
34
00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:25,043
[Telephone rings]
- Hello?
35
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:27,629
- Yo, I'm calling to
say that I'm giving you
36
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,798
110% this year.
37
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,883
I'm relaxed, I'm focused,
38
00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:33,895
and I'm gonna be
churning out the good stuff
39
00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:36,013
like you've never seen.
- That's great, Tracy.
40
00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:37,472
- Oh, I misdialed.
41
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:39,391
I thought I was
calling my nutritionist.
42
00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:41,560
Good-bye. [Beep]
43
00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:43,812
- Okay, season five. Here we go.
44
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,773
[Exciting jazz music]
45
00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:54,906
♪ ♪
46
00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:04,750
- What about office supplies?
47
00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,376
Can you come down 5% there?
48
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,170
- I'll try.
49
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,171
We're already printing
all of our internal memos
50
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,298
on the back of my kids' art.
51
00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:13,967
- In order for this
merger to stay attractive
52
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,386
to our friends at Kabletown,
we have to seem like
53
00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:18,055
a sexy, profitable company.
54
00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:20,265
And we're almost pulling it off.
55
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,309
The Harry pott, er
theme park is a huge hit
56
00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:25,354
with both anglophiles
and pedophiles.
57
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,123
The movie division has
a James Cameron movie
58
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:29,125
the whole world will see,
whether they like it or not.
59
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:32,152
Only NBC continues to
be the engorged whitehead
60
00:02:32,444 --> 00:02:34,863
on the otherwise flawless
face of universal media.
61
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:38,116
Lemon, why are you spending
so much money on wigs?
62
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:39,993
- Tracy's head size
keeps changing.
63
00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:43,080
- Hang on, what is this
pay increase for Jenna?
64
00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:45,457
- Oh, boy.
65
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:47,959
Look, as we enter the
fifth season of TGS...
66
00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:50,396
And remember, no one ever
thought we'd make it this far...
67
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:50,921
- I believed in us.
68
00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:52,714
- That was actually
an oversight.
69
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,734
- Jenna has some crazy
stuff built into her contract
70
00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:56,051
that kicks in now.
71
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:58,011
- Like what?
- [Inhales through teeth]
72
00:02:58,303 --> 00:02:59,303
Eye contact.
73
00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:00,711
"Everyone must make eye contact
74
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:03,767
with miss Maroney at all times."
75
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:05,286
She also gets a producer credit.
- What?
76
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:06,412
- Oh, it's just a
vanity credit, Lemon.
77
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,980
A low-cost way to make
someone feel more important.
78
00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:11,108
Like executive
producer Ashton kutcher,
79
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,235
or secretary of
state Hillary Clinton.
80
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:18,031
- Am I late for the
producers meeting?
81
00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:20,951
Eye contact.
82
00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:22,243
Thank you.
83
00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:25,288
- Hey, k-k-k-k.
84
00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,332
First day back's
gonna be a busy one.
85
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:30,127
First, I need you to go
to the dry cleaners for me
86
00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:32,087
and find out how
martinizing works.
87
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,089
I've always been curious.
88
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,716
Then I need you
to be back by noon
89
00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:37,443
to make the bathroom
smell like sandalwood
90
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:38,677
before I wreck it.
91
00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:40,554
You got that, K-Pax-o-gum?
92
00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:43,974
- I'm not Kenneth, sir.
93
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:44,683
My name's Brian.
94
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:48,186
Kenneth got fired at
the end of last season.
95
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,480
- Of course. I knew that.
96
00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,819
- Good meeting.
97
00:03:56,111 --> 00:03:58,238
- So how are things with Carol?
- Good.
98
00:03:58,530 --> 00:03:59,930
Did you know
that if you're a pilot,
99
00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:01,426
that chili's will
seat you right away,
100
00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,034
even if the pilot's
dinner companion
101
00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:05,245
has just been yelling
at the hostess?
102
00:04:05,537 --> 00:04:06,997
- You are the
Jackie o of our time.
103
00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:09,416
- And pilots get all
these travel points
104
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,168
at starwind hotels.
105
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:12,919
The one in midtown
has free Internet.
106
00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:15,422
- He doesn't stay with
you when he's here?
107
00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:17,314
- Why would he?
Those starwinds are nice!
108
00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:20,093
I mean, the bathtubs are so
much cleaner than at home.
109
00:04:20,385 --> 00:04:22,846
I don't know how they do it.
- They clean them.
110
00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:26,600
You are not in a real
relationship, Lemon.
111
00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:28,602
- Ugh, I hate that
word... "relationship."
112
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:30,896
It's almost as bad as "climax."
113
00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:33,064
- You can't just do
the vacation part.
114
00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:35,396
At some point you have to
go home to the same house,
115
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:38,028
unpack your dirty laundry,
and have a life together.
116
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:40,530
Then one of you says,
"we should redecorate."
117
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,449
And the other one
says, "please, Avery,
118
00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:44,493
I'm using the
commode right now."
119
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,745
- Ooh, she wants to
redecorate? She just moved in.
120
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,164
- Avery, uh, has
opinions. I love her for that.
121
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:50,832
Unfortunately, she
wants to repaint
122
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,959
the upstairs hallway
in a strie faux finish
123
00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,251
called "Husk."
124
00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:56,143
I prefer the color
that's already there...
125
00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:59,049
A reddish-Brown shade
called "elk tongue."
126
00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:00,661
- So tell her no.
It's your house.
127
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,324
- This is how I know
you've never had
128
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:03,637
an adult relationship.
129
00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:06,181
If I say no, then
I will be required
130
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,308
to say yes to something
else in the future,
131
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,244
and the stakes in the
future might be higher.
132
00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,103
- Then say yes.
- If I give in,
133
00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:13,956
then I'm no longer
the Alpha in my house.
134
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,625
Before you know it, she'll
have me wearing jeans
135
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:16,358
and reading fiction!
136
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,401
- Yeah, well, yes
and no are kind of
137
00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:19,945
your only two choices.
138
00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:23,156
- For most men, sure.
But there is a third option.
139
00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:25,909
The fabian strategy.
- I know this.
140
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,095
If an apple and a feather
fall at the same time...
141
00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:29,830
- the fabian strategy
derives its name
142
00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:33,375
from the Roman general
Quintus fabius Maximus.
143
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,587
He ran away, Lemon.
Rather than engage in battle,
144
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,129
he would retreat and retreat
until the enemy grew fatigued
145
00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:39,621
and eventually made a mistake.
146
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:42,092
Although I abhor it
as a military strategy,
147
00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:45,637
it is the basis for all of my,
uh, personal relationships.
148
00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:48,223
- So Avery is your enemy.
That sounds healthy.
149
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,183
- You're in no
position to judge.
150
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,310
Meeting someone in a
hotel room twice a month
151
00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:54,980
is not a relationship...
Just ask any hooker.
152
00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:57,148
- Oh, stop saying
"relationship"!
153
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:58,440
- I'm sorry,
154
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:01,361
I was going to say "climax."
- Aah!
155
00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:02,821
- A line item budget.
156
00:06:03,113 --> 00:06:05,615
Oh, I love this.
157
00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:09,119
It takes people and turns
them into amounts of money.
158
00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:12,414
Except for Tracy, I'm the
most person on the show!
159
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,124
What do we do now?
160
00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:17,168
- Oh, okay, well, Jack wants
me to keep the budget flat,
161
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,105
but I don't want to
deny people their raises.
162
00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:20,881
- You should fire
grace from wardrobe.
163
00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:23,133
She doesn't do anything.
- Fire grace?
164
00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,027
Come on, you'd have to
be a heartless monster...
165
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:26,636
- I'll do it.
166
00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:29,306
Grace, your position
has been terminated,
167
00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:30,682
effective immediately.
168
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:35,020
- But I've been here
since the Jack Paar show.
169
00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:36,581
- Your health insurance
will remain in effect
170
00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:37,845
until the end of this sentence.
171
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:39,900
Come on. Chop chop.
172
00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:46,239
- What a shank job.
173
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:48,825
- Kenneth, I knew
you'd come back!
174
00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:50,952
Let me smell your head.
175
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,244
Mmm...
- Come on!
176
00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:53,287
This is a woman's blazer
177
00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:56,333
from a very expensive
blazer shop called rico's.
178
00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:59,210
- I'm sorry, but my heart is
playing tricks on my eyes.
179
00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:01,546
Just like my kidneys
did to my lungs that time.
180
00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:02,881
- Are you okay?
181
00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:04,466
- I keep hallucinating Kenneth.
182
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:05,967
Am I going crazy again?
183
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,053
Should I get my rainbow
wig out of storage?
184
00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:10,055
- No, Tracy, it's normal.
185
00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,807
Kenneth was very special
to you, and now he's gone.
186
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:15,352
The next time you
hallucinate, just tell yourself,
187
00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:18,021
"this is not real. I
am in control of this."
188
00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:20,315
- Like the world cup.
189
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,067
I'll try.
190
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:24,527
[Whimsical music]
191
00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:31,326
♪ ♪
192
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:34,621
No, this place is
too full of memories.
193
00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:36,957
I gotta clear my head.
194
00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:39,608
- Okay, well, we've only been
back to work, like, an hour...
195
00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:43,171
And bye. [Sighs]
196
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,881
- Liz, get in on this.
197
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:48,176
Would you rather have to
start every sentence you say
198
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,429
for the rest of your life
with Urkel's catchphrase,
199
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:52,740
[impersonating
Urkel] "Did I do that?"
200
00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:56,351
Or be siamese twins with
Sharon stone for a year?
201
00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,979
Both: [Impersonating
Urkel] Did I do that?
202
00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:00,355
- Carol!
203
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,023
- So, Carol,
204
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,693
you ever join the
mile high club?
205
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:08,238
- Try five miles high.
And no, I have not.
206
00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:10,115
- Did you ever
see a ufo up there?
207
00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:12,127
- No, but once, when
I was in the air force,
208
00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:13,469
I saw Mr. T in a pizza hut.
209
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,995
- Was the air
force like top gun?
210
00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,806
- Yeah, but with a
lot more volleyball.
211
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:17,747
- You ever kill anyone?
212
00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:19,708
- Sucked a mechanic
into my engine once.
213
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,585
- Are you on Facebook?
214
00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:29,718
- And these are for you.
215
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:33,388
Passenger left them in
the first-class lavatory.
216
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:34,680
- Ooh.
217
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:35,306
- Hey, I couldn't get a room
218
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:37,058
at any of the
starwinds this weekend.
219
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,911
You think it'd be all right
if I stayed at your place?
220
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:41,312
- Uh... uh, yeah. Of course.
221
00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:43,314
I'll just have to run home first
222
00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:44,959
and take some plates
out of the bathroom.
223
00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:45,692
- But it would be nice
224
00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:47,420
staying together
at your place, right?
225
00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:51,114
- Yeah, it'll be a
fun... Step for us.
226
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:52,800
I just can't believe
that every starwind suite
227
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:53,824
in the city is taken.
228
00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:55,761
- Me neither. The lady
said they're all booked up
229
00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:59,205
for something called Jackfest.
230
00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:01,082
- How many rooms did you book?
231
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,959
- It's for your own good, Lemon.
232
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:04,729
I just want you to have
what Avery and I have.
233
00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:05,295
- I am a grown woman.
234
00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:07,589
I have been doing things
my way for a long time.
235
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:10,967
I don't like my life stuff
mixing with my dudestuff.
236
00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:13,428
- A middle-aged woman
saying "dude stuff"...
237
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,514
Is that on my sadness
scavenger hunt?
238
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,933
Why, yes, it is.
239
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:21,352
- Carol and I enjoy
240
00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:23,271
our separate-but-intersecting
lifestyles.
241
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:24,647
It's perfect.
242
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,459
I'm like that woman
on the food network
243
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,568
whose husband only comes
home on the weekends,
244
00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:30,171
and she spends
the rest of her time
245
00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:31,795
eating and drinking
with her gay friends.
246
00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:33,656
- Her name is the
Barefoot Contessa, Lemon,
247
00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:35,188
and you will never be like her,
248
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:36,646
starting with the barefoot part.
249
00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:39,037
- I'll have you know that I
wore sandals this summer,
250
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:42,749
over socks... In a dream.
251
00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:46,377
- Welcome to the la te
show with da vid letterman.
252
00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:47,837
Please have your tickets out.
253
00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,090
And now, as with
all studio audiences,
254
00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:52,967
we will sort you
according to attractiveness.
255
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,385
Front, front, back,
256
00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:57,806
balcony, front, front...
257
00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,098
Mr. Jordan!
258
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:02,227
- No, you do not exist!
259
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,771
I'm in control of this!
260
00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:08,983
- Want to watch TV?
261
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,628
- First thing you
need is Tequila...
262
00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:11,652
- Stop. Wait. No.
263
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,339
The Barefoot Contessa...
I love this show.
264
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:14,447
- Me too.
265
00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:16,859
This is one of the three
things in the world I like...
266
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,618
Ina Garten, sweater
weather, and...
267
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,221
- when muppets
present at award shows?
268
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:22,622
- Wow, yes!
- Me too.
269
00:10:22,914 --> 00:10:25,208
- We really see eye to eye
on a lot of stuff, don't we?
270
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:26,852
- Absolutely. I've never
met anyone before
271
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:28,156
who had the exact
same idea as me
272
00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:29,396
about what to do with Palestine.
273
00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:31,380
- It would work, right?
- Of course it would work.
274
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,967
- And don't you
agree that our situation
275
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:35,510
is perfect right now?
276
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,720
We have these
great visits together,
277
00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:39,365
but then we still have
our separate lives.
278
00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:43,560
We're like Jeffrey and Ina.
- [Sobbing]
279
00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:48,731
No, no, I can't... I can't
live like this anymore.
280
00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:51,734
I'm not like Jeffrey Garten.
281
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,778
I'm not as strong as that guy!
282
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:55,750
- Don't have too much
fun without me, okay?
283
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,324
- I need to know where
this relationship is going,
284
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:00,076
and I can feel you resisting it.
285
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:03,955
- No, no... It okay.
286
00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,791
Don't be cry.
287
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:09,752
- I'm a pilot, Liz.
288
00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:12,797
You know, I've spent
my entire adult life...
289
00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:16,634
Just casual girlfriends
in different cities.
290
00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:20,638
I... I can't go from woman to
woman to woman anymore.
291
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,330
- How many women
have you been with?
292
00:11:22,473 --> 00:11:25,476
- I'd rather not
say. It's shameful.
293
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,729
I mean, I'm a pilot.
294
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:31,482
Six.
295
00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:34,777
- Oh, that's not so great.
296
00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:36,404
- I want grown-up love!
297
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:39,782
[Sobbing]
298
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:45,663
[Telephone rings]
299
00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:47,999
- Hello?
- Thanks.
300
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:49,876
Carol had a complete meltdown
301
00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:51,568
about the state
of our relationship.
302
00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:54,088
I can't believe I tried to
clean my bathtub for this.
303
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:56,300
- No, this is healthy,
Lemon. Where is Carol now?
304
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:57,634
- I finally got him to sleep.
305
00:11:57,926 --> 00:11:59,236
I had to spoon him
for, like, an hour.
306
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:00,553
And I was the outer spoon.
307
00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:01,845
- Welcome to adulthood.
308
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,848
As for me, I have
successfully retreated
309
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:05,140
for another day.
310
00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:06,466
When Avery got home from work,
311
00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:08,844
I noticed that she had some
paint samples in her purse,
312
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,897
so I immediately asked
her if her sister had done
313
00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:13,233
anything crazy lately,
and guess what... She had.
314
00:12:13,524 --> 00:12:15,164
Avery talked about
that for about an hour,
315
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,819
her anger eventually
transforming
316
00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:18,947
into some rather
interesting sex.
317
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,519
And now she's
sleeping peacefully
318
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,909
while fabius has
retreated to his den,
319
00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:25,453
where he is drinking
scotch and playing snood.
320
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:28,206
- Uh-huh. Does Avery's work
email go right to her phone?
321
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:29,707
- Why?
- Nothing.
322
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:31,719
Just sending her a
link to this cool site...
323
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:33,711
Funkyvintagewallpaper.com.
324
00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:36,297
- Lemon, don't! She keeps
her BlackBerry in bed with her.
325
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,258
- And send.
- Damn it, Lemon!
326
00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:40,385
It has to be elk tongue!
327
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:43,680
- Oh...
328
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,723
- Eww... no!
329
00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:47,326
- This Jenna promotion
is the greatest thing
330
00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:48,510
that has ever happened to me.
331
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:50,561
Do you understand how
much free time I have now?
332
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:53,022
Yesterday, I went to the gym.
333
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:55,566
And this morning, I
made love to my wife.
334
00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:57,836
And she was still asleep,
so I didn't have to be gentle.
335
00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,654
- [Snoring]
336
00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:01,614
- That's one of the
most upsetting things
337
00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:02,907
I have ever imagined.
338
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:06,119
- Are you sure?
Think about it again.
339
00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:07,704
- [Snoring]
340
00:13:07,996 --> 00:13:09,914
- Yes.
341
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:13,042
- Liz, the writers can't take a
car service at night anymore.
342
00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:15,294
I've crunched the numbers,
and it's cheaper for us
343
00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:19,299
to just replace anyone
who gets murdered.
344
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:24,595
- So did Avery like
my wallpaper idea?
345
00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:28,224
- She did. Heh heh.
- Huh... So why are you happy?
346
00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,810
- Because the fabian
strategy is working.
347
00:13:31,102 --> 00:13:32,895
Every new pattern
Avery showed me,
348
00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:35,189
I would simply say,
"yes, I like that one too."
349
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,161
And she was so
overwhelmed with the choices
350
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:38,442
that she made a mistake.
351
00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:41,487
She suggested that we
consult her old college friend,
352
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:43,573
who's an interior designer.
- Uh-huh.
353
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:45,217
- He's coming here
to meet with me today.
354
00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:46,241
His name is James.
355
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,202
Not Jim, not Jimmy...
356
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:50,621
Jamessss.
- I get it.
357
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:53,333
- She's sending her army
into unknown territory.
358
00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:58,463
And I am flanking
her... With these.
359
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:00,131
Have you seen my eyes, Lemon?
360
00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:01,924
- Yep. They're very Blue.
361
00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:03,301
Like a Mikonos sky.
362
00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:05,029
- Mark foley once
called them "piercing."
363
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,220
- Hmm.
364
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,032
- Avery has really
made a misstep here.
365
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:10,516
Do you know what a prize
I am in the gay community?
366
00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:15,438
There's a term for it. I'm
a bear... And I'm a daddy.
367
00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:16,730
I'm a daddy bear.
368
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:18,983
Just one hour of flirty
chatting with James,
369
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:19,942
and you know what I'll get.
370
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:23,821
- Not a glaad
award, I know that.
371
00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:26,491
- Elk tongue.
372
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:28,743
- Well, I'm glad to
hear that you've almost
373
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:30,595
vanquished your girlfriend.
- Thank you.
374
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,830
And you versus Carol...
How's that going?
375
00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:36,125
- I don't know. We had a
pretty emotional breakfast.
376
00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:40,380
- [Sobbing]
377
00:14:40,671 --> 00:14:42,965
- He says he's
leaving early now.
378
00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:45,110
I don't know what to do.
- I know it's difficult, Lemon.
379
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:46,928
But now you have an
adult decision to make.
380
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:50,765
Would you rather let go
of your precious autonomy,
381
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:52,217
and let Carol into your life?
382
00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:54,894
Or would you rather
teach your cat to dial 911?
383
00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:57,386
- First of all, I'm tired of
playing "would you rather."
384
00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:02,485
And second of all, you
know that I have life alert.
385
00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:05,822
Oh, I pushed it. I need a phone.
386
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:11,202
- Mr. Jordan.
Mr. Jordan, please stop.
387
00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:12,829
- You're not real.
388
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,401
If I threw you
in front of a car,
389
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:15,915
it would drive
right through you!
390
00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:18,584
- No! No... Sir!
391
00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:19,919
I am real!
392
00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:22,338
Would an imaginary me
know that you have a mole
393
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:25,216
on your list of pets to get?
394
00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:27,028
Or that your favorite
color is rainbow?
395
00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:30,304
- Of course it would. It
would know anything I knew
396
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:34,142
because it sprung
from my imagination.
397
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,728
- Sir, it's really me!
398
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:45,778
[Horn honks, brakes screech]
399
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,613
[Thud]
- Oh, my god!
400
00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:50,825
- Oh, no, I missed
it! Do it again!
401
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,203
I love you, Ken-word.
402
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:56,539
Why don't you come
back home to TGS
403
00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:58,916
and pick the peas
out of my fried rice?
404
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,877
And the rice. I
just want carrots.
405
00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:02,378
- I can't do that, sir.
406
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,589
- But don't you
miss rubbing my foot
407
00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:06,081
back into the shape of a foot?
408
00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:07,341
- Of course I do.
409
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:10,428
But I'm real happy here at CBS.
410
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,723
They gave me a tote bag
with the mentalist on it!
411
00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:17,852
- I guess this is good-bye.
412
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:22,106
Obviously, I'm going
to need the tote bag.
413
00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:28,779
- James, tell me,
414
00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:31,115
which one of these do you like?
415
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:35,161
Because with my untrained eyes,
416
00:16:35,453 --> 00:16:39,874
the strie is bland,
and the, uh...
417
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,752
Wallpaper just looks busy.
418
00:16:43,044 --> 00:16:46,214
Oh... I don't know.
419
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:52,720
Do you see something,
uh, here that you like?
420
00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:58,976
It's so frustrating.
421
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:03,731
[Upbeat Latin music playing]
422
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:07,985
♪ ♪
423
00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,029
[Music off]
- I think I found a way
424
00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:11,381
to get the budget down
to where Jack wants it.
425
00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:13,991
- That's my girl!
You are en fuego.
426
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:18,037
- I was looking it over,
and I've realized something.
427
00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:19,830
There's one too
many producers, Pete.
428
00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:22,625
- Okay, I get it.
429
00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:25,294
But please... I
have five kids...
430
00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:27,026
That I don't want
to be at home with.
431
00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:30,132
- No, Pete, it's me.
432
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:33,844
As great as I am at this,
I'm not really necessary.
433
00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:35,513
Hmm, the last time I said that,
434
00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:37,890
I was in a three-way with
two of the backstreet boys.
435
00:17:38,182 --> 00:17:39,302
- No, Jenna, you can't quit.
436
00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:41,060
I'll take a pay cut.
437
00:17:41,352 --> 00:17:42,562
We can fire Liz!
438
00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:45,022
- This is hard for me too, Pete.
439
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:47,191
But it's because I'm
a genius producer
440
00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:48,985
I know that you have to fire me.
441
00:17:49,277 --> 00:17:53,155
Take my producing
fee and amortize it
442
00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:57,243
to cover the gaps in
transpo and electric.
443
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,955
- Hey, Liz, would you rather...
444
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:02,582
- Oh...
- Be with the person
445
00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:04,208
you love forever,
446
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:05,860
but you always
have to wear a shirt
447
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,044
made out of their pubes,
448
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:10,047
or be alone for
the rest of your life,
449
00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:10,881
but you get to wear
whatever you want?
450
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:13,467
Both: Shirt of pubes.
451
00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:16,178
- I thought you left.
452
00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:18,055
- I came back.
453
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:20,891
I mean, I had to kick an
obese teen off the flight
454
00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:23,036
to get a seat, but I really
wanted to talk to you.
455
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:25,104
Look, I'm not sorry
you saw me cry.
456
00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:25,938
I'm an emotional guy.
457
00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,649
That's actually not even
part of my personality.
458
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,586
That's just something
that happens to people
459
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,421
who change altitude
more than four times a day.
460
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:33,725
- Is that also why
you got so mad
461
00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:34,988
watching the giants game?
462
00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:36,031
- No, that was because
463
00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:38,117
why does Geico have
three different spokespeople?
464
00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:39,785
They have the
caveman, the lizard,
465
00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:41,877
and then the stack of
money with the eyeballs.
466
00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,456
- And the fake Rod Serling guy.
467
00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:45,166
- Oh, my god, right. Thank you.
468
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,376
I mean, you see how
good we are together?
469
00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:50,504
Look, Liz, I want this.
470
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:52,048
But if we're gonna go for it,
471
00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:55,718
we gotta move forward
a bit with each visit.
472
00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:58,095
- Two minutes to air.
Cast, please set yourselves.
473
00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:00,699
- Look, you have to get back
to the airport, I have a show.
474
00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:02,643
How do we move this
forward in the time allotted?
475
00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:05,811
- All right, let's each say
one thing about ourselves
476
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:06,646
that the other
person doesn't know
477
00:19:06,937 --> 00:19:09,065
on the count of
three, all right?
478
00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:10,399
Ready? One, two, three.
479
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:11,835
- I'm on a waiting
list to adopt a kid.
480
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:13,086
- Touched by a
priest... It's fine.
481
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:14,110
Both: Wait, what?
482
00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:16,739
- Okay... That was a step.
483
00:19:17,031 --> 00:19:18,699
- Yeah.
484
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,327
- See you October 14.
485
00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:23,120
[Cheers and applause]
486
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:27,667
- Cast for "would you
rather" set yourselves, please.
487
00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:29,838
- I never thought you'd
make it this far, Lemon.
488
00:19:30,044 --> 00:19:32,189
- I know, season five... we
were supposed to get cancelled.
489
00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:34,632
- Not just the show, I mean you.
490
00:19:34,924 --> 00:19:37,176
You're in an "adult
dude" situation.
491
00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:38,748
You're wearing
a beautiful blazer
492
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:40,721
from rico's
husky-boy collection...
493
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:43,391
- Is that what ragazzi
robusti means?
494
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,267
- I'm just saying
I'm happy for you.
495
00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:46,560
- Thank you, Jack.
496
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:49,397
And I'm glad that you're getting
to keep your wall "elk tongue."
497
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,732
- Actually, no. The
fabulous James and I
498
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,210
came up with an excellent idea.
499
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:54,354
We're taking that wall down.
500
00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:56,482
That way we can make the
master bedroom closet bigger
501
00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:58,656
and gain a nice
architectural symmetry.
502
00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:03,744
- Huh. You think maybe that's
what Avery wanted all along?
503
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,080
- Oh, my god.
504
00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:08,416
Hannibal defeated
fabian with a decoy army.
505
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:09,834
James was a plant.
506
00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:12,169
The strie wall
finish was a decoy.
507
00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:13,629
She hannibaled my fabian!
508
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:17,299
Lemon, Avery and I
are perfect together.
509
00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:20,344
Like... whiskey and hunting.
510
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:25,099
"Soul mate" doesn't
even begin to do it justice.
511
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:27,184
She's my...
512
00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:30,104
- She's your pube shirt.
513
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:31,897
- Pube shirt.
514
00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:35,568
- That's our show. Good night.
515
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,796
- Good night, miss Maroney.
Good night, Mr. Jordan.
516
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,864
Good night, TGS band,
517
00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:41,699
with your funny-smelling
dressing room.
518
00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:43,659
Good night, bear!
519
00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:47,037
Good night moon... Soon
park from accounting.
520
00:20:47,329 --> 00:20:49,039
Good night, miss Lemon.
521
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:52,168
Good night, Mr. Donaghy.
522
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,211
I lied to Mr. Jordan.
523
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:57,923
I miss you all so much.
524
00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:00,259
Sir? Is it really you?
525
00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:01,551
- Sure is.
526
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:03,012
Wanna go kiss in the prop cage?
527
00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:04,472
- What? No!
39389
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