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1
00:00:03,879 --> 00:00:04,999
Oh, good morning, Dr. Baird.
2
00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:07,132
Good morning,
regular person Lemon.
3
00:00:07,424 --> 00:00:08,864
Oh, hey, are you
around this weekend?
4
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,844
Uh, maybe we could
have that date we talked...
5
00:00:11,136 --> 00:00:13,305
Yes. Okay.
6
00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:16,308
Uh, how 'bout... Friday?
7
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,894
Oh, no, Friday I
have a stupid... show.
8
00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:20,312
How 'bout Saturday?
9
00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:22,773
Saturday, uh... okay.
10
00:00:23,065 --> 00:00:23,607
I guess that doesn't
have to be weird.
11
00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:25,150
Okay then.
12
00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:26,902
Okay.
13
00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:28,737
Valentine's day it is.
14
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,072
[Gasps]
15
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:32,074
[Whispering] Saturday
is Valentine's day?
16
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:33,659
Norts!
17
00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:35,827
(Jack) You sound so
sexy when you say that.
18
00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:37,119
Say it again.
19
00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:44,127
[Passionately] Your mother's
gone back to florrrrrrrida.
20
00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:45,587
Mmm...
21
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,798
These mcflurries
are amazing. I know.
22
00:00:48,090 --> 00:00:49,925
The soft swirl of vanilla,
23
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:53,136
and the hard crunch
of candy and cookies.
24
00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:54,846
You'd think they
fight each other,
25
00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:57,808
but no, together
they are perfecto.
26
00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:59,643
Some would say
that describes us.
27
00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:01,215
Who would say
such a crazy thing?
28
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:02,479
Weare us.
29
00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,439
Let a McFlurry be what it is...
30
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:06,775
The world's greatest dessert.
31
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,486
Actually, the world's
greatest dessert
32
00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:11,658
is served in a restaurant
right here in New York
33
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:12,905
called plunder.
34
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,533
It costs $1,000.
35
00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:17,869
Lucky for you, your
boyfriend got reservations
36
00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:19,161
for Valentine's day.
37
00:01:19,371 --> 00:01:21,748
But I have to go to church.
38
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,750
On Valentine's
day? Is that a thing?
39
00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:26,920
It is the feast of the
martyrdom of St. Valentine.
40
00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:29,052
Please, Jack, don't tell
me you're one of those
41
00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:30,591
convenient catholics
42
00:01:30,882 --> 00:01:32,593
that only goes to
church every Sunday.
43
00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:34,595
[Playful scoff] Oh... no.
44
00:01:34,886 --> 00:01:36,930
Ah.
45
00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:40,142
[Exciting jazz music]
46
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:48,434
♪ ♪
47
00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:58,720
Oh, Kenneth, hey, you know
how the company makes an effort
48
00:01:58,744 --> 00:01:59,744
to hire the disabled?
49
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:00,412
Do I!
50
00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:01,704
I wouldn't have this job
51
00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:02,849
if it weren't for the
mouth on my back.
52
00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:04,753
Yeah, I'm supposed to
supervise some blind chick
53
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,185
they hired to edit the reruns.
54
00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:07,729
But three of the
dancers just found out
55
00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:09,158
they're all dating the same guy,
56
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:11,381
so I'm gonna go watch that.
57
00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:13,026
So if you see a blind
chick, I don't know.
58
00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,530
Um, give her one
of your boring tours.
59
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:15,676
Yes, sir.
60
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,012
[High-pitched voice] Yes, sir.
61
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:20,641
I was just funnin'.
It's all sewed up.
62
00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:24,852
I'll help you, miss.
63
00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:28,190
Oh, thank you so much.
64
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,202
All my friends warned
me about the big city,
65
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:33,779
but look, right away
I meet a gentleman.
66
00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:37,907
Is everything okay?
67
00:02:38,033 --> 00:02:40,952
Because now I
smell burnt plastic.
68
00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:45,791
(Woman) Hello?
69
00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:48,585
Are you there?
70
00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:50,295
Hello?
71
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:51,898
I can't make this
guy go on a first date
72
00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:52,923
on Valentine's.
73
00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:54,591
Why are you so
nervous about this?
74
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:56,760
Because it's a
delicate situation, Jack.
75
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,887
There is handsomeness involved.
76
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,848
How much?
77
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:04,434
Oh, come on, Lemon.
78
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:06,079
What is this, a
green card thing? No.
79
00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:06,645
Closet case? I don't think so.
80
00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:08,480
Slump buster?
No, not a ballplayer.
81
00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:09,812
Bundy-esque serial killer?
82
00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:11,250
That was my first
thought, but no.
83
00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:14,403
This is actually happening,
and I'm blowing it.
84
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,030
Who pushes for a first
date on Valentine's day?
85
00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:19,908
Lemon, here's how
you correct this misstep.
86
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,785
Instead of going
to a restaurant,
87
00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:24,496
where it'll be nothing
but people in love
88
00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:26,581
and rings hidden
in pastries... oof.
89
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,033
Cook him a nice meal at home.
90
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:29,626
Nice... you mean, like, stew?
91
00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:31,628
I certainly do not mean stew.
92
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,600
I mean, try to forget
it's Valentine's day.
93
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:34,994
I'm going to. I'll be in church.
94
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,215
What? Why?
95
00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:37,551
Elisa is deeply religious.
96
00:03:37,843 --> 00:03:39,763
If I had those knockers,
I'd be thanking god too.
97
00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:42,055
All I want for Valentine's
day is to go to plunder
98
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:43,849
and eat the lovers' delight.
99
00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:45,517
That sounds filthy, Jack.
100
00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:46,935
It is.
101
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,312
Imagine a dessert for two...
102
00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:52,524
Tahitian vanilla bean ice
cream in a pool of cognac,
103
00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:54,736
drizzled in the world's
most expensive chocolate,
104
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:56,653
amadei porcelana,
105
00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:59,573
covered with shaved white,
black, and clear truffles,
106
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:03,410
and topped with edible
25-karat gold leaf.
107
00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,287
Can you imagine anything better?
108
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:09,458
I don't know, you ever put a
doughnut in the microwave?
109
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,251
Come on, church won't be so bad.
110
00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:12,543
Aren't you catholic?
111
00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:13,794
I was catholic.
112
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,464
But I haven't set
foot inside a church
113
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,549
since I was 13 years old.
114
00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:19,652
So listen, so you go sit
through a night of church,
115
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:20,737
and then you go to plunder.
116
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:21,845
Elisa's worth it.
117
00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:23,597
You're right. Elisa is worth it.
118
00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:25,807
And I can fake
enthusiasm when I need to.
119
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,684
Hey, that scarf is fun!
120
00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:29,478
Thanks. I found it at dunkin...
121
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,605
Wait a minute.
122
00:04:31,897 --> 00:04:36,693
[Ringing]
123
00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:39,529
NBC. Blah blah blah. Thank you.
124
00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:42,616
Ken, you need to snap out of it
125
00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:44,451
and ask out that
sexy miss Magoo.
126
00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:46,620
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
127
00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:48,997
I know love at first
sight when I see it.
128
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,541
I saw it when I met Angie,
129
00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:53,543
I saw it the first time
Dotcom laid eyes
130
00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:55,337
on Grizz's fiancee.
131
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,672
Okay, there is
something about Jennifer
132
00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:01,384
that just makes me
all car sick inside.
133
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:06,932
Now is the time for gallantry.
134
00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:10,811
Aah! [thud]
135
00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:16,525
Oh... oh...
136
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:17,817
It's you again.
137
00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,569
I can tell.
138
00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:26,493
Well, cotton and
fiddles! I enjoy your smile.
139
00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:29,579
Oh, my. I'm Jennifer Rogers.
140
00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:32,207
You may call me
Kenneth the page.
141
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,292
Because that is who I am.
142
00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:36,628
Would you like to go out
with me tomorrow night,
143
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,839
yes-indeedy corncobs?
144
00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:40,507
Well, I'm gonna say yes.
145
00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:42,509
Because this just feels right,
146
00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:45,428
and my instincts have
never let me down.
147
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,347
Except for looking
at that eclipse.
148
00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:51,351
It's a Valentine's datelie-doo!
149
00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,401
That was really good stew.
150
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,278
Thank you. It's my own recipe,
151
00:06:01,570 --> 00:06:03,290
where I use cheddar
cheese instead of water.
152
00:06:03,321 --> 00:06:05,156
You know, I'm glad
we stayed in tonight.
153
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:06,700
It's good to take things slow.
154
00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:08,869
Well, please know that
when I invited you over,
155
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:10,720
I didn't realize it
was Valentine's day.
156
00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:12,473
Yeah, you still have
that rotting Jack-o'-lantern
157
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:13,497
in the hallway,
158
00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:14,457
so I feel like you don't
have a great sense
159
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:15,375
of what month it is.
160
00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:17,460
Well, it's just gotten so small
161
00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:19,629
that I kinda want to
see if it disappears.
162
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:22,299
So, uh, first date stuff.
163
00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:23,591
Where are you from?
164
00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:26,052
Well, um, there's a
really interesting answer
165
00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:27,012
to that question, actually.
166
00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:30,682
I was born on the border of
Maryland and Pennsylvania.
167
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,743
Okay, I feel like I should
do the right thing here
168
00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:35,127
and tell you that your breast
is falling out of your blouse,
169
00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:37,772
and I can see all of it.
170
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:42,360
Okay, well, I guess we just
jumped ahead to date four.
171
00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:44,212
[Quietly] It's not
the good one, either.
172
00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:47,407
[Priest chanting in Latin]
173
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:56,142
[Jonathan over cell speaker]
Jack Donaghy's office.
174
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:57,375
[Whispering] Jonathan!
175
00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:58,251
[Congregation saying
"the lord's prayer" aloud]
176
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:00,712
Our Jonathan,
who art in the office,
177
00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,881
hallowed be my reservation.
178
00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:05,383
If you are able, hold my table,
179
00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:07,218
at plunder,
180
00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:08,845
as we will not be there by 7:00.
181
00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:11,514
Have them delay
our heavenly dessert,
182
00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,850
and forgive us our lateness,
183
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:17,729
as we forgive those who
cause lateness against us...
184
00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:22,067
[Speaking Spanish]
185
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:23,759
Well, thank you
for explaining that.
186
00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:25,963
I always wanted to know
how a universal remote works.
187
00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:29,366
Well, that's how it does.
188
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,954
Would you excuse
me just one second?
189
00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:35,580
I'll be right back.
190
00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:38,291
[Stereo volume increases]
191
00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:44,673
Oh, cheese stew!
What was I thinking?!
192
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,300
[Beeping]
193
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:49,344
I think your
brownies are burning.
194
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:50,345
You want me to take 'em out?
195
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:51,346
(Liz) Yes, please.
196
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:52,638
But whatever you do,
197
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:54,599
don't open that
kitchen window...
198
00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:56,726
No!
199
00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:58,018
Oh, too soon!
200
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,067
(Liz) The draft made
the door fly open!
201
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:05,026
I know. It's not a big deal.
202
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:07,570
So we skipped from
date four to date... 20.
203
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:10,115
No, date never. I would
never let that happen.
204
00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:12,701
Liz, it's okay, I'm a doctor.
I've seen much worse.
205
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,793
Really? I'm just kidding.
That was pretty bad.
206
00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:16,746
Oh! [Cell ring tone]
207
00:08:17,038 --> 00:08:19,708
Hold on. Sorry. I
have to get this.
208
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:20,625
Hello, Mandy.
209
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:23,586
Yeah, no, I'm
downstairs in 3-b. Why?
210
00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:26,506
No, Mandy, you can't just
drop her off without calling.
211
00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:28,025
Mandy? Is that
like a guy friend?
212
00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:29,134
Like Mandy Patinkin?
213
00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:30,427
No, I can't.
214
00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:32,721
Because I am on
a date right now.
215
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,597
No, Mandy, don't hang up.
216
00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:36,057
Sorry.
217
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:37,392
That was my ex-wife.
218
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:39,352
My daughter Bethany
is on her way up.
219
00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:40,729
You have a daughter?
220
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,456
You will see her. You
will say she's cute.
221
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:46,109
But let me just say that
she is... complicated.
222
00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:48,737
My mother usually
watches her when I can't,
223
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,673
but my mother has been
in the hospital recently,
224
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:51,897
and she's not doing very well.
225
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:55,410
And that has been...
Hard for me to handle.
226
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:58,163
I'm sorry that all this
keeps falling apart.
227
00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:00,623
I was really looking
forward to tonight.
228
00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:02,309
Well, we can try
again some other time.
229
00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:04,544
Or... I'm listening.
230
00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:07,005
Maybe tonight is a gift.
231
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:10,175
Maybe we embrace
the toilet thing,
232
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:11,861
and the bra incident,
and my ex-wife,
233
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:12,510
and my daughter,
234
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:13,470
and we just get it
all out in one night.
235
00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:15,764
And if by the end of it
we still like each other,
236
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,515
then maybe it's the real thing.
237
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:18,807
[Knock on door]
238
00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:21,186
That would be Bethany.
239
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:24,189
Well, this is it.
240
00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:25,875
The express train
is leaving the station.
241
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,776
I'm on the train.
242
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,361
[Pounding on door] Okay.
243
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,782
Mom's keying your car.
244
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:34,532
Bethany, this is Liz.
245
00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:36,117
Hi, it's so nice to mee...
246
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:37,702
Why does it smell in here?
247
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:38,703
Cheese stew. I got sick.
248
00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:39,704
[Whispers] Cheese stew.
249
00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:40,497
Okay, be nice.
250
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:42,207
I will be right back
251
00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:43,684
after I go talk to your mother.
252
00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:44,417
And... give me your purse.
253
00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:45,210
Why don't you ever trust me?
254
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:50,173
Because, honey, you
keep setting fire to things.
255
00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:54,636
And now a prayer
256
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,763
for the pregnant members
of our congregation.
257
00:09:57,055 --> 00:10:01,726
Anita Alvarez... Anna Alvarez...
258
00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:04,562
Anabel Al varez...
259
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,356
Honey, this is a
catholic church.
260
00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:07,768
We'll be here until morning.
261
00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,651
All right, you've been good.
262
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,444
Let's go.
263
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:14,155
We just have to go to
confession before we leave.
264
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,199
(Priest) Benita Alveroz.
265
00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:19,160
[Sighs]
266
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,596
Okay, here's how
this is gonna go.
267
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:21,860
We're gonna sit here in silence
268
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:22,996
for about three minutes,
269
00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:25,542
then I'm going to take
my girlfriend to plunder,
270
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:29,170
where the pope himself
could not get a table.
271
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,965
You sound troubled,
my son. Can it, father.
272
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:33,377
That was a nice try, though.
273
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,135
(Jennifer) That
limo ride was weird.
274
00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:38,179
It felt like we just circled
the block 50 times.
275
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,766
That's how you get to
Manhattan's fanciest restaurant.
276
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:45,603
Ah, monsieur Parcell.
Votre table est pret.
277
00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:48,356
I didn't know it was
a French restaurant.
278
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,692
Yes, I found it on
my favorite web site...
279
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,194
Stopshowingoff.com.
280
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:57,740
It's busy tonight.
281
00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:00,243
It's the best
darn-tootenest restaurant
282
00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:02,036
in all of New York.
283
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:05,498
This is the best night
ever. Thank you, Kenneth.
284
00:11:05,790 --> 00:11:08,334
You're one in a million.
285
00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:10,813
Man, can you believe we're
working on Valentine's night?
286
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:12,547
My fiancee's gonna be upset.
287
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:13,464
Not to worry.
288
00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:15,508
I sent her flowers
and a beautiful card.
289
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,511
You're the best.
290
00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:20,346
(Priest) Don't you have faith?
291
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,765
I have faith in
things I can see,
292
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,310
and buy, and deregulate.
293
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:26,644
Capitalism is my religion.
294
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:28,539
Now, you want to have
an intellectual argument?
295
00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:30,207
Fine. But I should warn
you, I went to Princeton.
296
00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:31,649
I went to Harvard
divinity school.
297
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:35,028
[Chuckles] You crimson guys
never miss a chance, do you?
298
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:36,571
You want a confession?
299
00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:39,073
Let's get this done
so I can go eat.
300
00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:40,617
I am divorced.
301
00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:42,636
I take the lord's name in
vain often and with great relish.
302
00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:47,332
I hit my mother with a
car, possibly by accident.
303
00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:48,864
I almost let him choke to death
304
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,237
right there on
the football field.
305
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:53,338
I looked the other way when
my wig-based parent company
306
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:55,048
turned a bunch
of children orange.
307
00:11:55,340 --> 00:12:00,136
I once claimed, "I am
god" during a deposition.
308
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:03,848
And I may have sodomized
our former vice president
309
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:07,101
while under the influence of
some weapons-grade narcotics.
310
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:11,272
Ah... it feels good to
say that out loud, actually.
311
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,684
That one was weighing on me.
312
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,026
Wow, I, uh...
313
00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:16,611
I don't know what to say.
314
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,238
I don't want you
to say anything.
315
00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:19,239
I already made that clear.
316
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:21,783
Then what... brought
you here tonight?
317
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,243
What brought me here?
318
00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:24,661
What brings anyone anywhere?
319
00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:26,996
Why do men build
Bridges? Why are there jets?
320
00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:28,915
I was hoping to
have sex tonight.
321
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:31,834
Have you ever made
love to a woman, father?
322
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:33,253
Come on, man.
323
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:36,005
Imagine cradling
your face into the curve
324
00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:38,591
of a velvety-soft neck.
325
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:41,344
Your hands cupping the warm heft
326
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:42,804
of the greatest pair of...
327
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,347
I need backup!
328
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,599
Harvard did not
prepare me for this.
329
00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:48,518
Father?
330
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:52,272
[Concerned whispers]
331
00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:57,694
I like your bracelets.
332
00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:58,695
Girls at my school get them
333
00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,530
for doing different
things on the bus.
334
00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:02,782
Blue is for showing your boobs.
335
00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:04,754
Purple's for doing
stuff over your clothes.
336
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,577
Black is for doing
stuff... Okay, uh...
337
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:07,869
Your mom left.
338
00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:09,956
How are you two getting along?
339
00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:14,377
She had some more stew
while you were outside.
340
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,589
Whoa. Wow, Liz, did
you kill the whole bottle?
341
00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:20,508
What?
342
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,635
[Ring tone plays]
343
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:25,096
Sorry... uh... hello.
344
00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:26,431
Yes, Gloria.
345
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:27,890
Why are you crying?
346
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:29,726
Gloria? How many
ex-wives does he have?
347
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:32,603
That's my aunt. She's
not gonna like you.
348
00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:33,895
No, of course.
349
00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:34,999
I'll be there as soon as I can.
350
00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:36,524
Yeah. Good-bye.
351
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,651
Mom has taken a turn.
352
00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:40,153
Oh, I'm so sorry.
353
00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:41,755
Look, I know we said
that we would take this
354
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:43,156
in fast motion tonight, but...
355
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:44,157
No, no, I know.
356
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:45,449
I really am glad we did,
357
00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:47,469
because I don't think I
could handle this by myself.
358
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:50,079
Oh... okay.
359
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,376
What? Liz knew.
360
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,754
[Music plays] Entertainment?
361
00:13:58,046 --> 00:13:59,964
Not just any entertainment.
362
00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:01,716
The best singer in the world...
363
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,885
Michael McDonald.
364
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,554
Aah!
365
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,223
[Imitating McDonald] ♪
she came from somewhere ♪
366
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:13,061
♪ back in her long ago ♪
367
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:16,022
♪ sentimental fool
though she's trying hard ♪
368
00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:17,315
♪ to recreate... ♪
369
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:20,026
[Whispering] Wow, he
does not sound good live.
370
00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:22,362
♪ Once in her life ♪
371
00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:27,533
[Speaking Spanish rapidly]
372
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:32,455
[Speaking Spanish]
373
00:14:32,747 --> 00:14:34,040
Okay, in English. In English.
374
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:36,209
You tortured that poor priest.
375
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:37,501
Let me ask you something.
376
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,379
Do you even believe
in the teachings
377
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:40,380
of the catholic church?
378
00:14:40,671 --> 00:14:42,215
No. [Gasps]
379
00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:44,342
But I saw your
photo with the pope.
380
00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:45,927
That's just good business.
381
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,529
I have photos
with a lot of people.
382
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,222
The Dalai Lama, rabbi Yosef,
383
00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:51,224
Toby Keith. I see.
384
00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:52,892
You have no faith,
only business.
385
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:54,584
You know what your
problem is, Jack?
386
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:57,230
You intellectualize
everything with your big head.
387
00:14:57,522 --> 00:14:58,522
Well, you have big boobs!
388
00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:00,024
Which you'll never touch again!
389
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:02,235
This conversation has
taken an unfortunate turn.
390
00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:03,796
Maybe this is god
trying to tell me
391
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:05,113
that we do not belong together.
392
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,240
Maybe this is a sign.
[Cell phone tone]
393
00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:09,951
Look, my driver just
pulled up. That's a sign.
394
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,203
God wants us to leave
here, get a good meal,
395
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:13,655
and go to town on each other.
396
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:15,164
[Gasps] Ooh!
397
00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:16,517
How dare you say
something like that
398
00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:19,085
so close to the
statue of Santa Lucia,
399
00:15:19,377 --> 00:15:21,212
the patron Saint of
judgmental statues?!
400
00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:24,173
Go to your stupid restaurant.
401
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:26,384
Eat your gold ice cream.
Please come with me.
402
00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:28,511
No. You blew it, Jack.
403
00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:33,933
And now you will never see
the crazy underwears I have on!
404
00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:38,062
Elisa!
405
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:41,816
What kind of god
would let that happen?
406
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:49,198
Oh, Drew, finally.
407
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:49,907
Who's this?
408
00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:52,076
This is Liz. This
is our first date.
409
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:53,368
On Valentine's day?
410
00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:54,954
Funny story.
411
00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:57,457
He saw me on the toilet... Liz?
412
00:15:57,748 --> 00:16:03,296
Dr. Baird, your mother's asked
to speak to you... privately.
413
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,309
I'm sorry.
414
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:19,103
Is this, like, a
sixth sense thing?
415
00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:23,608
Should I bring a place
setting for your friend?
416
00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:37,830
Mom... who is that?
417
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:38,831
That's my friend Liz.
418
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:41,167
Hi, Mrs. Baird.
419
00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:43,377
It's too soon, Andrew.
420
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,838
I know. We tried
to take it slow...
421
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:48,925
Life! I have more I want to do.
422
00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:50,927
Oh, right, you. Of course.
423
00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:52,571
I'm gonna grab her
chart. I'll be right back.
424
00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:53,595
Um...
425
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:59,268
Mandy, you look terrible.
426
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,479
Oh, no, I'm not Mandy. I'm Liz.
427
00:17:01,771 --> 00:17:05,441
Mandy, you have to tell
Drew something for me.
428
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:08,736
The woman he
thinks is his sister
429
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,821
is really his mother.
430
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:13,574
What? I'm his grandmother.
431
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:19,330
You have to tell him, or
I won't get into heaven.
432
00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:23,960
[Heart monitor flatlining]
433
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:28,089
Thank you for a truly
unbelievable evening.
434
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:32,635
It doesn't have to
end here, y'allsies.
435
00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:35,680
Wait. This isn't right.
436
00:17:35,972 --> 00:17:37,723
Kenneth, why do you
suddenly sound white?
437
00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:39,767
I lied to you, Jennifer.
438
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,245
I was too scared to talk to you,
439
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:43,145
so my sophisticated friend Tracy
440
00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:45,231
said the things that I couldn't.
441
00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:46,774
I'm very, very sorry.
442
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,943
Well, if you could've
talked to me,
443
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:49,860
what would you have said?
444
00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:52,530
That you're the
sweetest, prettiest,
445
00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:54,865
blindest girl I've ever met.
446
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,867
And when I'm with
you, my heart jumps
447
00:17:57,159 --> 00:18:00,663
like a frog on July
asphalt, right before it dies.
448
00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:06,127
You're so beautiful on
the inside, Kenneth Parcell.
449
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:07,962
Can I feel your face?
450
00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:09,254
Yeah.
451
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:14,510
[Giggles]
452
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:16,304
Aw...
453
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:30,318
Oh, look at the time.
454
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:33,112
I forgot, I have a... a thing.
455
00:18:33,404 --> 00:18:35,781
That is cold, blind lady!
456
00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:37,073
Oh, and by the way,
457
00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:39,160
you're not so
attractive yourself!
458
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:41,370
No, I'm... i'm
pretty sure I'm hot.
459
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:43,164
Yes, you are.
460
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:44,456
I tried.
461
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:03,267
[Speaking Spanish]
462
00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:07,562
I'm so sorry.
463
00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:08,814
Listen, thank you so much
464
00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:10,691
for being so great
during all this.
465
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,143
Let's do this again sometime.
466
00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:15,071
Except have it not be
anything like this at all.
467
00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:16,405
Uh-huh. Yeah.
468
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,533
Good night. Good night.
469
00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:27,958
Uh, Liz, you know
my mom did just die.
470
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:32,129
Funny story... hear me out.
471
00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:35,216
I'll have a, uh...
472
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,843
A McFlurry, please.
A McFlurry, please.
473
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:41,013
And I have a coupon.
You know where I found it?
474
00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:44,725
In the collection
plate. It was a sign.
475
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,269
I followed it, and it
brought us back together.
476
00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:50,815
Now do you believe? I believe.
477
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:52,358
I believe that we were reunited
478
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,610
by the most successful
capitalist enterprise
479
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:55,986
of the last hundred years,
480
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,948
despite the mclean
deluxe, or the McEmu.
481
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:00,240
Whatever.
482
00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:03,119
Someone's trying to tell
us that we belong together.
483
00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:05,287
Maybe it's god.
Maybe it's Ray Kroc.
484
00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:07,873
Maybe it's the Hamburglar.
485
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,585
Happy Valentine's day, querida.
486
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:15,089
Happy Saint
Valentine's day, mi amor.
487
00:20:19,093 --> 00:20:21,595
[Jazzy music]
488
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:28,060
♪ ♪
489
00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:30,688
Boy, I hope that
guy's not planning
490
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:31,981
to kill her and eat her.
491
00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:35,443
Jack, you're such a romantic.
34881
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