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1
00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:05,464
[Peppy holiday music]
2
00:00:05,756 --> 00:00:07,883
Merry almost
Christmas, everybody.
3
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:09,676
I have some great news.
4
00:00:09,968 --> 00:00:10,968
We are all getting...
5
00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:12,679
Frozen steaks. iPod nothings?
6
00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:13,972
Colorful sweaters?
7
00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:15,265
Nope, better.
8
00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:16,717
We are getting to participate
9
00:00:16,975 --> 00:00:20,395
in a charity program
called "letters to Santa."
10
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:21,688
[Booing]
11
00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:22,980
No, this is great.
12
00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:25,484
The post office collects letters
13
00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:26,318
that poor kids write to Santa,
14
00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:28,410
and then we go and buy
them what they ask for.
15
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:30,450
Look, we already did our
Christmas charity work.
16
00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:31,739
Everybody here
17
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:34,201
chipped in to get Sue a bra.
18
00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:37,704
That's much better. Sweet!
19
00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:39,516
Come on, nobody but
me is gonna do this?
20
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,458
Well, I, for one,
think it's a great idea,
21
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,252
because Christmas
is a time of giving.
22
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:44,211
[Groans]
23
00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:45,003
Are you drunk?
24
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:46,797
On the spirit of Christmas.
25
00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:49,132
It's this cheap,
high-proof Brandy I found.
26
00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,260
I hope it's not seasonal.
27
00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:52,761
I'll take one, Ms. Lemon.
28
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,813
I love helping people
less fortunate than me.
29
00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:56,098
Where do you find them?
30
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,284
There are these Nigerians
on the Internet that help me.
31
00:00:58,308 --> 00:00:59,601
(Liz) Listen to this. Ff'
32
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:02,354
"dear Santa, my name
is Chanel Jenkins.
33
00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:05,148
"I would like some new shoes
34
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:06,775
"so I can walk to school.
35
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,902
My dream is to be a
doctor some day..."
36
00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:10,862
[Cries]
37
00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:13,615
That kid's never
gonna be a doctor.
38
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,534
Better buy it a jet ski.
39
00:01:15,826 --> 00:01:16,285
[Reluctant agreeing]
40
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,621
This is what the
holidays are all about.
41
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:20,913
Okay.
42
00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:23,500
Merry Christmas, everyone.
43
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:25,794
[Telephone rings]
44
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:27,629
Hello? (Jack) I'm free, Lemon.
45
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,673
Where are you? I hear sunshine.
46
00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:32,467
I ducked down to Florida
for a surprise early Christmas.
47
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,136
I showed up three days early,
48
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:35,508
showered my mom with gifts.
49
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:36,836
She called them all "adequate."
50
00:01:36,888 --> 00:01:37,472
It's a Christmas miracle.
51
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:39,224
Well, I'm glad to
hear it went well.
52
00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,560
Tell Colleen I said hi.
53
00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:43,329
I wish I could, but she's
out for her morning walk.
54
00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:44,706
And I'm off to have
a real Christmas.
55
00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:47,232
Fly to rio, tan in the nude.
56
00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,318
Bet on some monkey wrestling.
57
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,862
Just like Norman
Rockwell always Drew it.
58
00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:53,154
Well, have a good flight.
59
00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:54,740
I could fly there
without a plane.
60
00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:56,450
[Laughs]
61
00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:58,493
[Engine starts]
62
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:01,455
[Humming]
63
00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:03,832
[Tires screech]
64
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,460
[Suspenseful musical swell]
65
00:02:06,752 --> 00:02:07,919
[Gasps]
66
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:09,211
Mother.
67
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:11,965
[Exciting jazz music]
68
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:20,223
♪ ♪
69
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:30,692
[ God rest ye merry
gentlemen on acoustic guitar]
70
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,611
Hey, Toofer,
71
00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:35,614
can I buy a kid FUBU?
Is that a swear word?
72
00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:39,117
Okay, while FUBU
is not itself profane,
73
00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:40,569
I do think that... Thank you.
74
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:42,663
Lemon.
75
00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:44,873
What are you doing
here? Why aren't you in rio?
76
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,625
I hit her.
77
00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:49,211
Colleen. I hit her with my car.
78
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:50,212
What? Oh, my god.
79
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:51,213
Is she...
80
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:52,505
She's fine.
81
00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:53,715
She's better than fine.
82
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,276
They're giving
her a titanium hip.
83
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:56,718
Like the Terminator.
84
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,637
It's only gonna make
her more powerful.
85
00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:00,597
Well, are you
okay? How can I be?
86
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:03,725
She's here, now, in my home.
87
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,811
Some quack doctor
strongly recommended
88
00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:07,104
she be around family.
89
00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:09,231
Oh-ho-ho, and Colleen
didn't miss that one.
90
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,066
[Cell phone rings]
91
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:12,358
[Sighs]
92
00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:13,860
Yes, mother?
93
00:03:14,152 --> 00:03:15,237
Well, why don't you try
94
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,155
taking one of the
many blankets off you
95
00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:18,699
if you're feeling hot?
96
00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:20,659
Yes, I know. It is hard.
97
00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:22,077
Life is hard.
98
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:23,620
No, I wasn't.
99
00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:25,497
I was just scratching my head.
100
00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:27,916
If you need something, just
call down to the doorman.
101
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,835
Yes, he does speak
English, mother.
102
00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:32,462
Jamaican people speak eng...
103
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,881
She hung up.
104
00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:36,717
I had to cancel my trip,
105
00:03:37,008 --> 00:03:38,343
there's nothing
going on at work,
106
00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:40,275
everyone I know is a
way for the holidays.
107
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:44,558
It's just me and
Colleen, all alone.
108
00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:45,851
Lemon...
109
00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:47,686
One of her suitcases
110
00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:50,480
was just wigs.
111
00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:53,400
Look, I'm not doing my
usual thing either this year.
112
00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:54,752
Do you want me to come by later,
113
00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:55,776
and say hi to your mom?
114
00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:57,404
Would you please?
115
00:03:57,696 --> 00:03:59,322
Yeah, sure. I'll entertain her.
116
00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:01,676
You know, I was just thinking
in the shower this morning,
117
00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:04,661
what if Saint Nick was nic cage?
118
00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:07,581
'Cause it might go a
little something like this...
119
00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:08,874
Toofer!
120
00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:10,917
Toofer, my man. How's tricks?
121
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:13,628
[Gruff voice] Ho ho ho!
122
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:17,382
No, that sounds
more like Joan rivers.
123
00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:22,012
Hey, are you almost done?
124
00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:23,448
We need to get out of here...
125
00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:25,312
[Speaking louder] Before
someone recognizes me.
126
00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:27,618
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just
have to get stocking stuffers.
127
00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:28,894
And stockings.
128
00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:30,226
Wait, what is all of this?
129
00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:31,062
You have video games in here.
130
00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:32,773
And sports equipment. A TV?
131
00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:33,774
Well, I just want to make sure
132
00:04:34,065 --> 00:04:36,318
that Deshante, age nine,
and Marcus, age five,
133
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,612
have a wonderful Christmas.
134
00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:40,131
Are you really gonna
wrap all of these presents?
135
00:04:40,155 --> 00:04:41,531
Of course I'm gonna wrap them,
136
00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:43,383
because that's what
you do on Christmas.
137
00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:45,911
What you don't do
is call your daughter
138
00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:47,621
on December 22,
139
00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:49,265
and tell her that you
don't really feel up
140
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:50,749
to hosting Christmas this year,
141
00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:52,834
because she's 38,
and you thought
142
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,712
that she'd have "her
own family by now."
143
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:57,047
And that instead,
144
00:04:57,339 --> 00:04:58,775
you're going to a
couples-only retreat
145
00:04:58,799 --> 00:04:59,999
in Arizona, the theme of which
146
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,552
is "sexy at 70." Oh, no.
147
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:05,555
Liz, you've never missed
Christmas with your family.
148
00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:06,847
I know.
149
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:09,351
But I have a new
family, the glovers.
150
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:13,313
And I am gonna get them
all these rapping santas.
151
00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:15,607
[Santas singing]
152
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:18,276
Oh, well, I kind of
assumed they would rap,
153
00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:19,648
which is racist on my part.
154
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,238
But still, best Christmas ever.
155
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:22,906
You're welcome, glovers.
156
00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:28,912
[Bell ringing]
157
00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:30,598
Mother, what is so urgent
that you could not wait
158
00:05:30,622 --> 00:05:32,102
until I came back
from the front door?
159
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:33,708
I need my other bell.
160
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,502
We agreed, one by the bed,
161
00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:38,046
and one by the toilet.
162
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,966
Hello.
163
00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:43,051
Oh, Liz. Hello there.
164
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:45,929
So good of you to come see me.
165
00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:48,098
Merry Christmas, Mrs. Donaghy.
166
00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:50,141
Oh, Liz, I'm so
glad you're here.
167
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:51,685
I want you to know,
168
00:05:51,977 --> 00:05:53,687
and believe,
169
00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:55,605
that what happened
to me in Florida
170
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,315
was an accident.
171
00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:58,775
My son Jackie
172
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,194
did not run me over on purpose.
173
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:02,821
Case closed.
174
00:06:03,113 --> 00:06:03,780
And I don't want
175
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:06,241
to hear another word about it.
176
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:07,593
Mother, of course
it was an accident.
177
00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:09,119
No one is saying otherwise.
178
00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:11,371
The real tragedy
is that the accident
179
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:12,914
broke, of course,
180
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,834
the cartier watch that
Jackie gave me early
181
00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:17,252
this year for Christmas.
182
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:19,170
Ho, ho, ho.
183
00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:22,090
It's not cartier. It's
Chopard. Yes, of course.
184
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,382
Chopard.
185
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:24,593
Not the cartier wa tch,
186
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,052
that I wanted.
187
00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:27,344
[Giggles]
188
00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:32,517
Uh, Liz, uh, could I speak
with you for a second, please?
189
00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:34,369
I can't do this. I
know, it's stressful.
190
00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:35,746
The holidays are
always stressful.
191
00:06:35,770 --> 00:06:38,398
It's not just that. Well, your
mother's hurt, and you love her.
192
00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:41,276
Do I? Do I, Lemon?
193
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:43,695
I waited eight minutes. What?
194
00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:45,614
After I hit her,
before I called 911,
195
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,783
I sat in my car
for eight minutes.
196
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,473
What kind of son
does that to his mother?
197
00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:55,665
Jack, you were in shock.
198
00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:58,209
You froze. It happens.
199
00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,003
It was an accident.
200
00:07:00,295 --> 00:07:01,421
It was an accident, right?
201
00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:02,964
[Bell ringing] (Colleen) Hey
202
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:06,927
what are you two
girls whispering about?
203
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,115
What are you all
still doing here?
204
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:11,765
Lutz looked it up,
205
00:07:12,057 --> 00:07:13,075
and if we stay until noon,
206
00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,099
it counts as a work week.
207
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:15,727
And NBC has to pay
208
00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:17,145
for our cabs to the airport.
209
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:20,523
Tracey, you made
$300 million this year.
210
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:23,234
And I'm not going
anywhere for Christmas.
211
00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:24,819
Miss Lemon, you really
212
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:25,528
outdid yourself.
213
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,822
Those are gonna be the happiest
214
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:30,134
poor kids since my brother
and I went to neverland ranch.
215
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:31,598
She went overboard
because her family
216
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,105
is not exchanging
gifts this year.
217
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,371
Holy Buddha,
218
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,122
who likes Christmas?
219
00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:38,017
It's gonna cost you a
fortune to ship all of this.
220
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,681
Oh, no, I'm taking it
up there personally.
221
00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:41,753
I wanna see Deshante
and Marcus's faces
222
00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:43,088
light up when they get it.
223
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,131
Anyway, I gotta take this
224
00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:48,843
up to 245th street and
Lawrence Taylor boulevard.
225
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:51,930
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
226
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:55,016
I will not let you go into
that neighborhood alone.
227
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,535
In the spirit of
Christmas and kwanzo.
228
00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:57,559
Kwanzaa.
229
00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:59,854
And shalam-shizzam
to you too, my sister.
230
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,189
We'll go with you uptown.
231
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:02,607
And remember, Dotcom,
232
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,443
you are there to protect me,
233
00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:06,735
and not Liz Lemon.
234
00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:08,405
(Frank) Guys, weare out of here
235
00:08:08,697 --> 00:08:10,740
in 5, 4...
236
00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:12,112
[All counting down] 3, 2...
237
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,410
Exciting news, everyone.
238
00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:14,702
Weare going
239
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:15,786
to put on a live
240
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,957
Christmas Eve special this year.
241
00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:21,895
This year, as in
"tomorrow," this year?
242
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:22,711
Yes, that's right.
243
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,643
Sadly, it will mean
working a lot of hours
244
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:26,756
over the next couple of days,
245
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:27,757
being away from our loved ones.
246
00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:30,093
Our mothers.
247
00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:31,825
But we will be part
of giving america
248
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,054
the perfect Christmas Eve.
249
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:34,889
It's going to be so worth it.
250
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,767
Now, brainstorming session.
251
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:39,144
Go!
252
00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:42,313
[Crying] I don't
want to do this.
253
00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:45,066
Mr. Donaghy, as
leader of this group,
254
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,438
I have to put my foot down.
255
00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:47,736
Christmas is a sacred time
256
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:50,321
for me and my surrogate family.
257
00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:52,032
So if you are
willing to look four
258
00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:53,908
25-year-old gay guys in the eyes
259
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,219
and tell them that
we're not going to see
260
00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:58,121
new kids on the block at
the Borgata, be my guest.
261
00:08:58,413 --> 00:09:00,999
You are all contractually
obligated to participate.
262
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:02,651
Yes, sir. I never
liked that group.
263
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:03,751
Sorry.
264
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:06,670
Jack, this isn't fair.
265
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,090
Don't take your
mommy issues out on us.
266
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:09,924
I'm sorry, Lemon,
I'm just trying
267
00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:11,216
to get through Christmas.
268
00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:12,052
And then what?
269
00:09:12,343 --> 00:09:14,103
I found a nursing home
off the coast of Maine
270
00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:16,490
run by the same French company
that oversaw Napoleon's exile.
271
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:17,682
She will be treated humanely,
272
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,642
but there will be no escape.
273
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:22,395
Merry Christmas.
274
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:30,737
Thank you so much
for carrying that.
275
00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:32,309
I will buy you
guys dinner later.
276
00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:35,325
Liz, we both have girlfriends.
277
00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,788
This is it. 4d.
278
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,880
Tracey, I am gonna
need you to take a picture.
279
00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:43,685
You just push the
little button on top.
280
00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:44,834
Thanks a lot.
281
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,544
I never operated
a camera before.
282
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:48,088
I'm serious.
283
00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:49,379
That was very helpful.
284
00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:50,590
Oh, okay.
285
00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:51,922
Make sure you get the hug.
286
00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:54,803
[Knocking on door]
287
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,137
Oh, hi.
288
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,932
I brought these presents as part
289
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:01,726
of the letters to Santa program.
290
00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:03,018
What just happened?
291
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,383
What's the past
tense for "scam?"
292
00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:06,314
Is it "scrumped?"
293
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,274
Liz Lemon, I think
you just got scrumped.
294
00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:09,566
[Camera clicks]
295
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:12,529
Donaghy wants a Santa
costume and a Mrs. Claus.
296
00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:13,821
1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
297
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,031
[Humming and piano music]
298
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:17,867
♪ Jingle bell all the way ♪
299
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:19,261
♪ in a one-horse open sleigh ♪
300
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:20,285
No.
301
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:22,257
Alfonso, I'm on the
six, you're on the four.
302
00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:23,331
Come on, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
303
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,251
[Continues singing]
304
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,128
Ah, my little elves at work.
305
00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:31,131
Looking good,
gang. Looking good.
306
00:10:31,422 --> 00:10:33,925
Oh.
307
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:36,511
You do realize we're going
into quadruple overtime.
308
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,096
So what?
309
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:40,308
We're giving america the
perfect Christmas, Pete.
310
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:42,201
There are some kids out
there who never get that.
311
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:43,225
I know I didn't.
312
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,854
Not with Colleen around.
313
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,981
My dad was long gone.
314
00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:50,233
So every Christmas,
Colleen would bring her friend
315
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:51,818
Mr. Schwartz over for dinner,
316
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:53,337
and she's make me
play songs on the piano,
317
00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:54,612
and she would sing to him.
318
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:55,530
My parents divorced
when I was nine...
319
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:56,948
And every year,
320
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,343
the dreadful moment arrived,
when I would catch Mr. Schwartz
321
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:00,647
caressing my
mother's bony thigh.
322
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,996
And I'd say "eyes on
the keys, Jackie boy,
323
00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:04,408
keep your eyes on the keys."
324
00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:06,016
And they'd ask me to
play white Christmas,
325
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,252
and it would turn into some
boozy burlesque travesty.
326
00:11:09,544 --> 00:11:11,963
Every time I hear that
song, I get aroused.
327
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:13,715
What is wrong with me?
328
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,091
I have to...
329
00:11:15,383 --> 00:11:17,093
Go to the prop meeting now.
330
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,220
She's the reason.
She's why it happened.
331
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,931
So the overtime?
332
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:24,309
Approved, yeah.
333
00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:26,852
It's Christmas.
334
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:29,731
[Nervous laugh]
335
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,608
(Woman) Next. Yes, finally.
336
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:33,234
Hi, I would like to speak
337
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,904
to whoever screens
the letters to Santa.
338
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,655
Then you better
talk to that box.
339
00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:40,783
Uh, maybe you
could help me, Trene.
340
00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:41,784
Irene.
341
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,076
Irene.
342
00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:44,871
I believe that I was
the victim of a scam
343
00:11:45,163 --> 00:11:46,998
perpetrated through
the mails, so...
344
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:49,500
There's nothing we can
do about that. I disagree.
345
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:51,395
I think there are a lot
of things we could do.
346
00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:52,699
I would like to
access any census
347
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:54,964
information you have
for this address. No.
348
00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:57,717
In addition, I would like to
speak to the letter carrier...
349
00:11:58,009 --> 00:11:59,528
You know we're closing
in five minutes, right?
350
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:00,970
Who services zip-plus-four.
351
00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:02,472
Never gonna happen.
352
00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:04,307
Can you help me out with her?
353
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,142
Oh, really?
354
00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:08,937
We're both black, so we
must know each other?
355
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,980
Hey, Irene!
356
00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:11,940
Hey, Tracey.
357
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,632
Did Vicky hook
you up with this job?
358
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,068
Yeah.
359
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,611
Girl, you better stop.
360
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:20,073
Hey, you don't know the
postmaster general, do you?
361
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:22,635
I do, but we had a falling out
over the Jerry Garcia stamp.
362
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:23,928
I mean, if I want
to lick a hippie,
363
00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:25,995
I would just return
Joan baez's phone calls.
364
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:28,248
Are you wearing the
same clothes as yesterday?
365
00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:30,208
I have no choice.
I can't go home.
366
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,794
Oh, come on. You can go home.
367
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,128
No, I can't.
368
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:35,588
Last night, we had...
369
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,423
An incident.
370
00:12:37,715 --> 00:12:40,635
Jackie, sweetheart.
371
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:43,471
Can you get this
heavy wool blanket out
372
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:44,931
from underneath me?
373
00:12:45,223 --> 00:12:47,892
I'm sweating like
a grape picker.
374
00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:51,091
Come on, put
some back into it...
375
00:12:51,354 --> 00:12:53,106
Jacqueline.
376
00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:55,149
[Laughter]
377
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:56,442
My other hip!
378
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,987
I think it was subconscious.
I've had enough.
379
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:00,613
50 years of criticism
380
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:01,985
and feelings of inadequacy.
381
00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:03,992
50 ruined christmases.
I want to be free.
382
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,284
What are you saying?
383
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:06,828
I can't be alone with her.
384
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:07,787
You see, Lemon, my
mother is like a virus,
385
00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:09,789
and my body is
trying to get rid of her.
386
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,081
Good god, she can't know
I'm having these thoughts.
387
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,310
She can't know about
the eight minutes.
388
00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:14,478
If she knew, she
would have me arrested.
389
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:15,837
She's done it before.
390
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:19,299
Hey, the candy
canes are for the show.
391
00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:22,635
Oh, so how'd it go
uptown, Ms. Lemon?
392
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:23,636
I'll tell you how it went.
393
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,848
I filed a report with the
better business bureau.
394
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,265
I'm not gonna rest
395
00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:30,435
until the letters to Santa
program is shut down.
396
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:32,854
What is wrong with you?
397
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,440
You are being a real scrooge.
398
00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,150
It was just two dudes, Kenneth.
399
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:40,236
They scammed me, and now
they're selling that stuff on eBay.
400
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:41,946
There were no kids up there,
401
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:45,450
and there definitely weren't
any hugs around here.
402
00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:48,369
Well, if all you want is a
hug from a black person...
403
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:50,496
Maybe you should just
host the price is right.
404
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:52,332
I don't believe
people would do that,
405
00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:53,623
Ms. Lemon.
406
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,084
This is a religious holiday.
407
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:57,879
When has religion ever
caused any trouble?
408
00:13:58,171 --> 00:13:59,630
Kenneth, you're naive.
409
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,762
And you're acting like
a real c-word right now.
410
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:02,550
That's right,
411
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:03,842
a cranky Sue.
412
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:06,512
I know in my heart
413
00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,084
that children got
those presents.
414
00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:09,390
They didn't, Kenneth.
415
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:10,892
I'll prove it to you.
416
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,393
It's dinner break.
417
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:13,765
Tracey, we're going uptown.
418
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:17,273
All right, I'll call
Grizz and Dotcom.
419
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:19,776
I'm sure they're
not doing anything.
420
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:22,362
[Cell phone rings]
421
00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:23,946
No.
422
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:27,575
Doctor Williams
said "boundaries."
423
00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:35,911
Mother, you shouldn't be
exerting yourself like that.
424
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,420
I'm sorry that work
has kept me from...
425
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:40,773
Spending more time with you.
426
00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:42,340
What kind of time, Jackie?
427
00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:45,301
Eight minutes, maybe?
428
00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:47,762
John Francis Donaghy
429
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:51,599
how could you? How could you?
430
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:54,310
Waiting eight
minutes to call 911.
431
00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:56,622
I can't believe it. I don't know
what you're talking about, mother.
432
00:14:56,646 --> 00:14:57,939
I've got to get
back to work now.
433
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:01,401
Exhibit a!
434
00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:03,277
Your cell phone bill.
435
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,029
You made a call to 911
436
00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,115
at 8:16 A.M.
437
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:08,783
Exhibit b.
438
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:11,786
The watch that my son
gave me for Christmas.
439
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:13,413
Not the one I
wanted, by the way.
440
00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:15,498
You had just set it
441
00:15:15,790 --> 00:15:17,375
before it broke, of course,
442
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,919
when your car rammed
into me down in Florida.
443
00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:23,881
And it stopped at 8:08.
444
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:25,716
Exhibit C.
445
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:29,095
16 minus eight is eight.
446
00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:30,972
Numbers, unlike children,
447
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,015
don't lie.
448
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:34,434
What kind of son...
449
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:35,786
What kind of
mother tells her son
450
00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:38,062
that John Kennedy died
because he talked in church?
451
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:39,674
Or tells her son
when he was voted
452
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,190
caption of the diving team,
453
00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:43,067
"what a great way to meet guys."
454
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:43,943
[Gasps]
455
00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:46,195
Or invite strange men
over on Christmas Eve!
456
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:48,448
Don't turn this around, Jackie!
457
00:15:48,739 --> 00:15:50,324
Don't make this about me!
458
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:52,160
It's always about you.
459
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,328
I am 50 years old.
460
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,039
You have ruined every
Christmas I've ever had,
461
00:15:57,331 --> 00:15:58,809
and I'm not letting you
take this one down too.
462
00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:00,918
You're walking away from me!
463
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:03,087
More snow machines!
464
00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:09,719
See, Kenneth, those
drawings are a clue
465
00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:11,387
that children live here.
466
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:12,930
Or Basquiat.
467
00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:16,350
And this bare door
is a scam door.
468
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:20,354
No, children live
here. I know it.
469
00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:22,326
Get ready to have
your little bubble burst.
470
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:25,193
Come on, Christmas.
Come on, Christmas.
471
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:28,237
Hello?
472
00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:29,947
Oh, my gosh.
473
00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:32,825
Are you Deshante and Marcus?
474
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:34,784
And you got the presents?
475
00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:37,205
There are presents
under the tree?
476
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,373
I did that. I got
that stuff for you.
477
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:41,459
I'm the one who made
Christmas happen.
478
00:16:41,751 --> 00:16:43,336
What about Santa?
479
00:16:43,628 --> 00:16:45,046
Daddy, she said
480
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:46,672
there's no Santa claus.
481
00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:48,674
What is wrong with you?
482
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:50,527
No, I'm... I did a good
thing. I got a letter from...
483
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:52,303
Yeah, the letter that
said "dear Santa,"
484
00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:54,722
not "dear lonely
white lady." I'm sorry
485
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,475
could I offer you tickets
to a live Christmas special
486
00:16:57,767 --> 00:17:01,854
in the tradition
of Andy Williams?
487
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:06,317
Okay, you were right.
So yeah, you were right.
488
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:13,157
Do you know your
mother is here? I don't care.
489
00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:14,885
I'm trying to produce
a Christmas special
490
00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:15,928
that makes it's a wonderful life
491
00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:16,952
look like Pulp Fiction.
492
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:18,287
Where the hell is Mrs. Claus?
493
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:20,099
You can't do Christmas
Eve without her.
494
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:21,958
What is wrong with you people?
495
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:23,250
We're on in 30 seconds.
496
00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:25,086
How couldn't you
have Mrs. Claus?
497
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:26,772
I didn't realize you were
serious about that, so I cut it.
498
00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,798
You can't cut Mrs. Claus.
499
00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:30,484
Everyone knows
that on Christmas Eve,
500
00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:31,788
Mrs. Claus hangs your stockings,
501
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:33,177
then puts out food for Santa.
502
00:17:33,469 --> 00:17:34,905
Then you sings
songs around the piano
503
00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:36,806
until she tucks you in.
504
00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:38,307
Did your mother not do that?
505
00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,309
That's not a thing, Jack.
506
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,353
Yes, it is. No.
507
00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:44,206
Mrs. Claus must have
been something special
508
00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:45,230
that Colleen did.
509
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:46,761
Probably to make up for the fact
510
00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:47,876
that your dad wasn't around.
511
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,111
No, Christmas in the
Donaghy house was awful.
512
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:51,403
Have I not told you
513
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,739
about my mom's
yuletide boyfriend?
514
00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:56,284
Good old Frederick August
Otto Schwartz the third?
515
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,452
F.A.O. Schwartz?
Like the toy store?
516
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:00,496
His family owned
some toy stores, yes.
517
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:01,455
So what?
518
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:05,876
Jack, I think your mother
put out on Christmas
519
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:07,168
to get you kids presents.
520
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,297
She did it for
you. Not possible.
521
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:10,840
She didn't do anything for us.
522
00:18:11,132 --> 00:18:13,134
Well, I know you
guys were pretty poor.
523
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:14,677
Did you have a lot of presents?
524
00:18:14,969 --> 00:18:18,389
You couldn't even see the tree.
525
00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:20,933
In 5, 4, 3...
526
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:23,227
Our first guest has
sung with everyone
527
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:26,188
from Paul Anka to
Crocodile Dundee.
528
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,566
Cross to piano.
529
00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:30,109
Ladies and gentlemen,
530
00:18:30,401 --> 00:18:32,987
Jenna Maroney!
531
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:35,656
[Applause]
532
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:40,953
♪ Chestnuts roasting
on an open fire ♪
533
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:43,247
♪ Jack frost nipping ♪
534
00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:47,001
♪ at your nose ♪
535
00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:49,920
♪ yuletide Carols ♪
536
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:53,257
♪ being sung by the choir ♪
537
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:55,593
♪ and folks dressed up ♪
538
00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:58,262
♪ like eskimos ♪
539
00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:00,139
♪ everybody knows ♪
540
00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:04,477
♪ a Turkey and some mistletoe ♪
541
00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,437
Liz Lemon,
542
00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:08,665
I know you're gonna be
all alone on Christmas day.
543
00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:09,689
So if you like,
544
00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,359
you can spend it
with the Jordans.
545
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,277
I'd love to, Tracey.
546
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:14,689
Good, we'll be over at 2:00.
547
00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:16,322
My kids have a peanut allergy,
548
00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,866
but my dogs only eat steak.
549
00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:22,244
Okay.
550
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:23,536
♪ They know that ♪
551
00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:28,793
♪ Santa's on his way... ♪
552
00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:34,173
What on earth is
the matter with you?
553
00:19:34,465 --> 00:19:37,426
I love you, mother, and
I don't want you to die.
554
00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:39,762
I'm never going to, Jackie.
555
00:19:40,054 --> 00:19:42,932
♪ To see if reindeer ♪
556
00:19:43,224 --> 00:19:44,558
♪ really know ♪
557
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:46,560
♪ how to fly ♪
558
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:53,693
♪ ♪
559
00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:55,403
♪ and so ♪
560
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:58,114
♪ I'm offering ♪
561
00:19:58,406 --> 00:20:02,493
♪ this simple phrase ♪
562
00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:05,454
♪ to kids ♪
563
00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:11,043
♪ from 1 to 92 ♪
564
00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:14,088
♪ although it's been said ♪
565
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:16,799
♪ many times ♪
566
00:20:17,091 --> 00:20:18,801
♪ many ways ♪
567
00:20:19,093 --> 00:20:22,555
♪ merry Christmas ♪
568
00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:26,517
♪ merry Christmas ♪
569
00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:31,522
♪ merry Christmas ♪
570
00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:34,608
♪ to ♪
571
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:36,736
♪ you ♪
572
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:42,742
(Colleen) You're flat, Jack.
573
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:45,911
♪ J-j-j-j-jingle bells ♪
574
00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:49,623
♪ j-j-j-jingle all the way ♪
575
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:50,915
♪ j-j-j-j-jingle bells ♪
576
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:54,044
♪ j-j-j-open sleigh ♪
577
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:55,838
♪ j-j-j-j-j-jingle bells ♪
578
00:20:56,130 --> 00:20:59,842
♪ j-j-j-j-jingle bells ♪
579
00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:01,927
♪ shoo bee doo bee doop jingle ♪
580
00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:05,681
♪ shoo bee doo
bee dop jingle bells ♪
581
00:21:05,973 --> 00:21:08,392
♪ silent night ♪
582
00:21:08,684 --> 00:21:11,729
♪ holy night ♪
583
00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:14,106
[Scatting]
40410
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