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1
00:00:04,379 --> 00:00:06,048
Mm-hmm.
2
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:08,926
Uh, is this important?
3
00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:09,927
It'll just take a second.
4
00:00:10,219 --> 00:00:11,720
[Sighing] Fine, but Mr. Donaghy
5
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,823
is on another call right
now and doesn't have time
6
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,247
for a separate
interaction with you.
7
00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:16,910
So everything he
says will have to work
8
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,101
for both conversations.
9
00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:19,728
Really? Lemon.
10
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,731
Lemon works for
your business call?
11
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,375
Oh, right, well, I just
wanted to let you know
12
00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:26,151
that I have to go to
Chicago for jury duty
13
00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,296
because I never changed
my residence to New York.
14
00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:29,446
Why not?
15
00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:32,115
Because I wanted to
vote in a swing state, Jack.
16
00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:33,676
Also, I want to stay
on the mailing list
17
00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:35,077
at Chicago pizza explosion.
18
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:36,828
How fast can you turn it around?
19
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,747
Who, me? Oh, right.
20
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,199
I'll fly back in the morning.
21
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:41,476
I never get put in a jury.
22
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,168
I wear my Princess Leia costume,
23
00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:44,127
and they dismiss me immediately.
24
00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:46,088
Well, that sounds
good for both of us.
25
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:46,964
Thank you very much, sir.
26
00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:49,591
Ha. That last part
didn't work both ways.
27
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:50,342
You said sir.
28
00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:52,135
I think it worked fine.
29
00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:54,805
I'll have Jonathan call
travel and upgrade your flight.
30
00:00:55,097 --> 00:00:57,683
Sweet. What do you take to fly?
31
00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:58,975
Candy and magazines.
32
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,226
No, no, no. Pills.
33
00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:02,396
Nobody flies without
medication anymore.
34
00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:05,274
Why shouldn't you enjoy
the same luxuries as a dog?
35
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,901
Comanaprisil?
36
00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:11,780
It may cause dizziness, sexual
nightmares, and sleep crime.
37
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,115
It's... very good.
38
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,284
(Jonathan) Tyler Brody
39
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:16,577
on two, sir.
40
00:01:16,868 --> 00:01:18,453
Tyler Brody? The
dude from the Olympics?
41
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:21,415
Yes, he was the silver
medalist in tetherball.
42
00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:23,059
(Sports announcer)
Speedman's caught an angle.
43
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,251
Tyler Brody is flailing.
44
00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:25,919
And there's the coil.
45
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,422
Lance Speedman is the
olympic tetherball champion.
46
00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:31,174
And Tyler Brody
can't believe it.
47
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:34,344
Boy, there sure are a lot of
weird olympic events these days.
48
00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:38,140
Not that weird, Lemon.
49
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:39,975
Tetherball we faked.
50
00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:41,907
What? Why would you
fake an olympic event?
51
00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:43,144
For ratings.
52
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,813
We staged several events
53
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,499
so that Americans
could win more medals.
54
00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:47,983
That's despicable.
55
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:49,315
It took years of planning,
56
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:51,695
and now Tyler
Brody is threatening
57
00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:53,267
to go public and
ruin everything.
58
00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:54,842
So, obviously, I
have a lot on my plate
59
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,658
and no time to
babysit the sixth floor,
60
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:58,428
so before you go
gallivanting off to Chicago,
61
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:02,456
make sure you get your
people under control.
62
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,375
Be a Manager. Yeah, yeah.
63
00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:09,463
Liz, Tracy is countersuing me.
64
00:02:09,755 --> 00:02:11,357
Good morning. For
defamation of character.
65
00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:12,883
How can you defame someone
66
00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:15,415
who's been arrested in three
different Chuck E. Cheese's?
67
00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:17,054
Do y'all know who I am?
68
00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:20,474
Seriously. Please,
tell me who I am.
69
00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:23,268
Jenna, I'm not taking
sides in this lawsuit thing.
70
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:24,560
It's ridiculous.
71
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,688
Tracy's video game
never would have worked
72
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:27,564
without my voice acting.
73
00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:28,856
I deserve to get paid.
74
00:02:29,024 --> 00:02:30,108
Liz Lemon!
75
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:31,400
Nemesis. Yuck.
76
00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:32,611
Liz, will you tell Tracy
77
00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:34,088
I don't even want
to speak with him.
78
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:36,281
Okay, two can play at that game.
79
00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:38,693
Liz, could you please tell
Kenneth that Liz wants him?
80
00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,410
That's not even...
Okay, that's it.
81
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:42,454
I am calling human resources
82
00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:44,106
and setting up a
mediation for you.
83
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,916
I told you. I don't
drink that much at work.
84
00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:47,334
Mediation is a binding form
85
00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:50,671
of non-judicial
dispute resolution.
86
00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:52,242
I watched Boston
legal nine times
87
00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:54,424
before I realized it
wasn't a new Star Trek.
88
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,009
Hmm.
89
00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:57,803
Liz, you have to
admit this is unfair.
90
00:02:58,095 --> 00:02:59,095
I got nothing.
91
00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,973
Meanwhile, Grizz and
Dot Com bought a boat.
92
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,226
Cape Hatteras is
lovely this time of year.
93
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,329
Oh, well, of course, Tracy
takes care of his boys
94
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:07,604
and not you.
95
00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:10,249
He thinks he can take advantage
of you because you're a woman.
96
00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,442
Men think they can
get away with anything.
97
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,534
It's like when Adrien
Brody kissed Halle Berry
98
00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:15,569
at the oscars.
99
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,336
No one has it harder
in this country today
100
00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:18,073
than women.
101
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:19,676
It turns out we
can't be president,
102
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,535
we can't be network
news anchors,
103
00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:24,121
Madonna's arms
look crazy. Mm-hmm.
104
00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,391
Tyler, I know you're upset
we didn't pick you for the gold,
105
00:03:26,415 --> 00:03:28,166
and I'm going to
make it up to you.
106
00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:30,098
How would you like
to host deal or no deal
107
00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:32,045
in the privacy of your own home?
108
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:33,898
I think I'll hold a press
conference instead,
109
00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:37,384
tell the world
there's no such thing
110
00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:38,927
as olympic tetherball...
111
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,513
Or synchronized running...
112
00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:43,432
Or octuples tennis.
113
00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:44,808
It's all a lie.
114
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:46,420
A white lie that
did a lot of good
115
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:47,686
for this country's morale.
116
00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:49,938
Did you know that president
Bush's approval rating
117
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:53,692
was almost as high as
15% following the Olympics?
118
00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:56,319
Gasp. Olympic hero Tyler Brody.
119
00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:57,946
Olympic fraud.
120
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:01,158
There is no such thing
as olympic tetherball.
121
00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:02,802
They made it all
up for the ratings.
122
00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:05,704
What are you saying?
123
00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:06,621
Tyler...
124
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:09,958
You can be the
voice of Knight Rider.
125
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,919
The film.
126
00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:14,211
I'm listening.
127
00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:17,507
[Exciting jazz music]
128
00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:25,640
♪ ♪
129
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:40,280
Okay, I'm Jeffrey.
I am a mediator.
130
00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:43,241
And you two are
having a dispute.
131
00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:44,534
Now why is that?
132
00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:46,387
Because Tracy thinks
he can treat me unfairly
133
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:47,411
because I'm a woman.
134
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:48,246
What? Please.
135
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:49,849
We are here because
white folks think
136
00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:52,167
they can do whatever they
want to do to black folks.
137
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,686
It's like when Adrien
Brody kissed Halle Berry
138
00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:54,710
at the oscars.
139
00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,422
White people stole
jazz, rock and roll,
140
00:04:57,714 --> 00:04:59,800
will Smith, and heart disease.
141
00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:02,219
Now they think they can
take my hard-earned money.
142
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:03,511
Okay, well, if we look
143
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:05,406
at how voice actors are
normally compensated...
144
00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,670
Liz says in this day's america,
145
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:08,570
it's harder to be a
woman than a black man.
146
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,769
Liz Lemon? That
chick is dumb. Okay.
147
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,080
Tracy, do you know women
still get paid less than men
148
00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:14,231
for doing the same job?
149
00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:16,691
Do you know it's still illegal
to be black in Arizona?
150
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,583
Do you have any
idea how hard it is to be
151
00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:22,739
an overweight,
transgender in this country?
152
00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:24,217
(Female flight attendant)
In preparation for landing
153
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,826
at Chicago's O'Hare airport...
154
00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:27,577
[Liz snores]
155
00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:29,746
No, grandma, no.
156
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:32,290
[Snores loudly]
157
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,421
"Believe in the stars."
158
00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:41,091
It's like that doesn't even
mean anything anymore.
159
00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:43,677
Kenneth.
160
00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:45,369
I'm sure I can
trust your discretion
161
00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:47,157
about what happened
in my office today.
162
00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:50,684
What you overheard was
some rather grown-up talk.
163
00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:52,727
Was any of it real, Mr. Donaghy?
164
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:55,981
Beer pong, jazzercise,
women's soccer.
165
00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:58,073
You're not in stone
mountain anymore, Kenneth.
166
00:05:58,316 --> 00:05:59,860
This is the real world,
167
00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:01,379
and not everything
is in black and white.
168
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:04,948
There's always a right
thing to do, Mr. Donaghy.
169
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:08,118
Just sometimes, it's
not the easy thing to do.
170
00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:10,370
Tyler Brody was
not the only hero
171
00:06:10,662 --> 00:06:13,039
I lost today, sir.
172
00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:15,792
The other hero was
you, in case that...
173
00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:17,586
I got it, Kenneth.
174
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:23,300
If it weren't for you
people, I'd still be in Africa.
175
00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,594
Gorgeous, politically
stable Africa.
176
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:26,595
My people?
177
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,388
Women are the oppressed ones.
178
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,408
And it's even harder
being a beautiful woman.
179
00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:32,309
Everyone assumes
I don't try in bed.
180
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:33,602
It's discrimination.
181
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:36,271
Whatever. You couldn't last
one day in my shoes, Maroney.
182
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,523
Right, Toof? No, thank you.
183
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,095
(Jenna) I could
totally be black.
184
00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:41,067
You should try
being a white woman.
185
00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:42,986
Okay, I will. No, no, no, no.
186
00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:44,638
I don't like where
this is heading.
187
00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:46,406
Freaky Friday social experiment.
188
00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:47,698
Oh, it's on.
189
00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:50,285
Where is Liz Lemon?
190
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:53,204
I don't really think it's
fair for me to be on a jury
191
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:54,706
because I can read thoughts.
192
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:56,333
Dismissed. [gavel pounds]
193
00:06:56,625 --> 00:07:00,921
(Stewardess) Welcome
aboard flight 1876 to New York.
194
00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:03,965
[Cell phone buzzes]
195
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:05,425
Hello?
196
00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:07,153
(Jack) Lemon, as part of
our deal to keep him quiet,
197
00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:09,137
Tyler Brody is going to
be on your show this week.
198
00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:10,827
But he won't do
any tetherball stuff.
199
00:07:10,889 --> 00:07:12,769
Boy, Jack, it must be
nice to dump your problems
200
00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:13,516
on other people.
201
00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:14,893
It is.
202
00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,745
Lemon, do you think
Kenneth admires you?
203
00:07:16,978 --> 00:07:18,730
Sure, that kid looks
up to everybody.
204
00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,732
He calls Tracy's lizards, "sir."
205
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:22,168
So someone would have
to be a complete monster
206
00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,192
to lose his respect.
207
00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:25,528
Yeah. I don't know
what we're talking about.
208
00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:26,923
(Jack) We're
talking about nobody.
209
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:31,159
A hillbilly nobody that
doesn't know anything.
210
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,703
[Cell phone buzzes]
211
00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:35,205
Mm.
212
00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:36,039
Hello?
213
00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:37,499
Tracy is a white woman, Liz.
214
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,209
What?
215
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:40,937
He's trying to prove that
being a white woman is easier
216
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:41,670
than being a black man.
217
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,797
Wait, no, what
about the mediation?
218
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:45,107
(Jenna) We are way past that.
219
00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:46,424
This is gonna be bigger
220
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:48,356
than when Tyra Banks
put on that fat suit.
221
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,929
And don't worry, when
I prove Tracy wrong,
222
00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:52,472
you'll get all the credit.
223
00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:54,075
(Liz) What are you
gonna do? Jenna?
224
00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:56,726
Oh.
225
00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:59,437
[Cell phone buzzes]
226
00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:00,271
Hello?
227
00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:03,316
Liz, it's Becky, your
college roommate.
228
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:04,608
I'm sorry. Who?
229
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:05,859
(Tracy) Hey, Liz Lemon,
230
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,546
you're already treating
me with more respect.
231
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:08,780
Oh, god, Tracy.
232
00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:10,091
(Tracy) You wait till I test
this noise out on society.
233
00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:12,283
Minds will be blown.
234
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:13,618
(Liz) No. No society.
235
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:16,204
Do not go outside. Do not
let Jack Donaghy see you.
236
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,999
Tracis, listen to me... oh, boy.
237
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:20,709
This pill's damn strong.
238
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,478
(Tracy) You can't
fix this, Liz Lemon.
239
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,105
It's about race. It's
about being a woman.
240
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:24,629
Excuse me.
241
00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,131
It's about money.
242
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:27,423
It's about being on TV.
243
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,510
And no one understands all that.
244
00:08:30,802 --> 00:08:31,802
Hello.
245
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:37,642
I'ma call you back.
I'm sitting next to Borpo.
246
00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:46,401
Whoa, Portland's got
a fun little waterfront.
247
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:47,986
[Sniffs]
248
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:50,905
Do you mind if I close
this window shade?
249
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,365
I'm trying to adopt a baby,
250
00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:53,977
but my job is
making it impossible
251
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:57,162
because my work self
is suffocating my life me.
252
00:08:57,454 --> 00:09:00,498
I'm Liz Lemon, and I
lost my virginity at 25.
253
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,584
I saw the show about
following your fear,
254
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,516
and it inspired me to
wear shorts to work.
255
00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:06,129
It didn't go great.
256
00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:07,464
Do you know Tracy Jordan?
257
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,091
I took a pill earlier,
258
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,694
but I didn't get my
September issue
259
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:12,802
of o magazine.
260
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:15,805
Do you have the
number for subscriptions?
261
00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:17,182
Why would you? [Laughing]
262
00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:18,558
That's blagh!
263
00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:19,934
I eat emotionally.
264
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,562
And one time at summer
camp, I kissed a girl on a dare,
265
00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:23,854
but then she drowned.
266
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:26,357
And here comes some more stuff.
267
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:27,649
I hate my feet.
268
00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:29,694
And once, I had a sex
dream about Nate Berkus,
269
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:31,666
but halfway through,
he turned into Dr. Oz.
270
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,105
Has that ever happened to you?
271
00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:34,074
Oh, a hug!
272
00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:35,617
This is happening.
273
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,094
It's all right,
Liz. It's all right.
274
00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:38,118
Uh, I'm okay.
275
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:39,287
Please stay close.
276
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,419
Uh, can you keep your
hands outside my clothes?
277
00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:43,041
Okay. Good.
278
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,461
Kenneth, I'm a good person.
279
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,088
If you say so, sir.
280
00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:51,132
But sometimes
life is complicated.
281
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,259
There isn't always
a right answer.
282
00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,095
Say you're in a life boat.
283
00:09:55,386 --> 00:09:56,721
You're on a life boat.
284
00:09:57,013 --> 00:10:01,267
The boat holds eight people,
but you have nine on board.
285
00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:02,644
Either you will capsize
286
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,562
and everyone will drown,
287
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,624
or one person can be
sacrificed to save the others.
288
00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:08,775
Now how do you
decide who should die?
289
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:11,486
Oh, I don't believe in
hypothetical situations,
290
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:12,487
Mr. Donaghy.
291
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,614
That's like lying to your brain.
292
00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:16,217
Kenneth, you've
lived a sheltered life.
293
00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:18,409
Virtue never tested
is no virtue at all.
294
00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:20,495
Oh, I have been tested, sir.
295
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:23,706
There are only two
things I love in this world:
296
00:10:23,998 --> 00:10:25,625
Everybody and television.
297
00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:28,461
But up in my neighborhood,
we can't even afford cable.
298
00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:31,548
So my neighbor the
Colonel and I just watch
299
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,967
whatever the old
rabbit ears pick up.
300
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:36,845
A lot of folks have chosen
to go ahead and steal cable
301
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:40,682
from the poor,
defenseless cable company.
302
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:41,974
But not me.
303
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:44,352
As bad as I want
all those channels,
304
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,147
I don't do it because
stealing is wrong.
305
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,858
Kenneth, I'm familiar with
the ten commandments.
306
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,985
Ten?
307
00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:58,032
A lot of us women
eat emotionally, Liz,
308
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,344
and while we're not always
in control of our feelings,
309
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,704
we do control the
decisions we make.
310
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,038
I know. Of course.
311
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,916
Now you say that
you want a child.
312
00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:08,501
And yet,
313
00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:11,713
you let Jenna and Tracy
fill that role in your life.
314
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:15,049
Maybe you're afraid
of taking that next step.
315
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:16,676
Oh, my god. That's it.
316
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,469
Now that we've leveled off,
317
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:20,072
I think they're gonna
serve us a little snack.
318
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:21,723
So true. So wise.
319
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,975
You know, when you
say that to everything,
320
00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:25,947
it makes me feel like
you're not listening.
321
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:27,604
Sorry.
322
00:11:27,896 --> 00:11:28,896
Here. Try this.
323
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:33,610
It's wonderful. Salt water
Taffy from Rhode Island.
324
00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:35,502
Wow, is this one of
your favorite things?
325
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:36,653
Oh, yes, and I have
326
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,424
so many wonderful
favorite things this year...
327
00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:42,577
Sweater capes, calypso music,
328
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:45,788
Paisley tops, Chinese checkers,
329
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,840
high-heeled flip-flops
that lift up your butt
330
00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:49,500
and give you a workout,
331
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:52,837
and you, Liz Lemon.
332
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:56,466
Too many women are wearing
themselves too thin these days.
333
00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,027
And what suffers
because of that?
334
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,637
Your bowel movements.
Your personal life.
335
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:01,387
Personal life, yes.
336
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:03,348
I want to help you.
337
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:04,724
What can I do?
338
00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:09,354
Oh, my god, would you say,
"please welcome Liz Lemon"?
339
00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:11,564
No, but here is what I will do.
340
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:13,775
While I'm in new
York, if you want,
341
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:17,862
I can stop by, and I can
talk to Tracy and Jenna.
342
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:19,697
Solve that little
problem for ya.
343
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:23,534
So you can concentrate
on Liz for once.
344
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:26,579
Oh, you are the best
person in the whole world.
345
00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:29,707
[Snores]
346
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:38,758
Good grief.
347
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:40,301
[In falsetto] Hi, strangers.
348
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,428
Do you think I'm sexy?
349
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:43,720
Giggle, giggle, giggle.
350
00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:47,850
Tracy, I know it's
you, and, yeah, I do.
351
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,270
I'm meeting my
girlfriends for brunch.
352
00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:51,601
I hope we can sit outside.
353
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,731
Lipstick! [Giggles]
354
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:01,990
Jack, what are you
doing down here?
355
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,602
It's been a real
crazy day, Lemon.
356
00:13:03,741 --> 00:13:05,344
We're bidding to build
a wind farm in Turkey,
357
00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:06,428
I'm trying to convince the board
358
00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:08,121
to sell the locomotive division,
359
00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:10,415
and Kenneth is being
a real stick-in-the-mud.
360
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,583
Well, there's nothing
to see down here.
361
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:16,296
Everything is under
control in studio 6-H.
362
00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:17,714
Good morning.
363
00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:19,424
No! No. No.
364
00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:20,425
No, no, no.
365
00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:21,717
No, no, no.
366
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:24,429
No, no, no, no. Wait, stop.
367
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:27,015
Why do you have a monster claw?
368
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:28,427
They ran out of white makeup
369
00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:31,269
because I insisted
they do my buttocks.
370
00:13:31,561 --> 00:13:32,770
Good morning.
371
00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:34,272
What is going on here?
372
00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,083
Jenna and I are doing
a social experiment.
373
00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:37,107
No, you're not.
374
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,484
Wait. What is Jenna doing?
375
00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,045
(Jenna) ♪ you gotta
ease on down ♪
376
00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:41,696
♪ ease on down the road ♪
377
00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:44,365
Right this minute.
Stop that right now.
378
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:47,076
This is worse than when
you wore your shorts to work.
379
00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:48,077
You realize this is
incredibly offensive.
380
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:49,369
Yes.
381
00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:51,497
And you realize
blackface makeup reignites
382
00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,017
racial stereotypes
African-Americans have worked
383
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:54,542
for hundreds of
years to overcome.
384
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,210
Here we go.
385
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:57,896
Yeah, it's bad. I get it.
Go get some baby wipes.
386
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,148
(Jenna) We're trying to
prove who has it hardest
387
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,257
in america, women or black men.
388
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:02,860
I'll tell you who
has it the hardest.
389
00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:03,884
White men.
390
00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:05,815
We make the unpopular,
difficult decisions,
391
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,263
the tough choices.
392
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:09,325
We land on the moon and normandy
beach, and yet they resent us.
393
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,600
(Kenneth) Well, sir, I'm sorry
394
00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:12,894
to disagree, but I
am also a white man.
395
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:14,354
Uh, no, you are not.
396
00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:15,789
Socioeconomically-speaking,
you are more
397
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:16,853
like an inner-city latina.
398
00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:18,066
The point is, men like me
399
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,318
have to step in and
clean up messes like this.
400
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:21,610
No, you don't.
401
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:22,981
I've got this under control.
402
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,280
She's coming, Jack.
403
00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:25,615
Oprah is coming.
404
00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:27,325
And she's gonna fix everything.
405
00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:28,951
Oprah.
406
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,248
[Elevator bell rings]
407
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:37,919
Oh, my, what was that?
408
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:40,004
We've tripped the
emergency brake, Kenneth.
409
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:41,589
Mr. Donaghy.
410
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,800
And I've hermetically-sealed
this elevator car.
411
00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:45,843
No air can get in or out.
412
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:47,720
Don't worry, folks.
413
00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:49,138
Help will be here soon.
414
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,766
And we have enough
oxygen for eight people.
415
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,644
Unfortunately, there are
nine of us in here now.
416
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:56,479
One must die.
417
00:14:56,771 --> 00:14:58,231
Mr. Donaghy!
418
00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:00,292
In the panel where the
elevator phone should be,
419
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:04,320
I've placed a pistol
loaded with one bullet.
420
00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:07,156
He's got a gun! [Clicks]
421
00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:09,117
(Passengers) Oh,
my god! Oh, my god.
422
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:12,328
It's empty.
423
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:15,123
Then you'll have to
choke me with my belt.
424
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:20,169
I will fight you.
It's human nature.
425
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:23,548
What's wrong with you?
426
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:27,802
Oprah smells like
rosewater and warm laundry.
427
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,094
[Sighs]
428
00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:30,614
Did she tell you any of
her new favorite things
429
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:31,638
for this year?
430
00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:33,307
Calypso, Paisley,
431
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:37,728
Chinese checkers,
and sweater capes.
432
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:39,020
Let's go to the mall.
433
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:40,982
Did she touch you?
434
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:50,908
(Jack) Well, Kenneth, I give up.
435
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,911
I thought pure morality
died with Chuck heston,
436
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:54,912
but you proved me wrong.
437
00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:56,873
You are better than all of us.
438
00:15:57,165 --> 00:16:00,126
You are one latina fantastica.
439
00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:02,044
Hola.
440
00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:05,590
Kenneth Ellen Parcell,
you are my hero.
441
00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:08,009
You don't mean hero
like sandwich, do you?
442
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:12,305
No, Kenneth. Not like sandwich.
443
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,145
[Whistles]
444
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:58,559
Oh, no.
445
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:01,562
[Calypso music plays]
446
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:09,854
♪ ♪
447
00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:11,906
Oprah's coming.
448
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,075
I haven't seen
Oprah since she did
449
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,410
that episode about
the worst celebrity dads.
450
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,997
Um, Liz, your guest is here.
451
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:22,083
Oprah!
452
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,293
Hello, Liz Lemon!
453
00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:32,260
Uh, how you doing? Hi.
454
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,178
What were you on? That's a kid.
455
00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,764
That does explain some
of the stuff she said.
456
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,182
I get to fly first class
457
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,309
because my mom's
a flight attendant.
458
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,687
I lost my headgear at six flags.
459
00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:44,480
My boyfriend's in ninth grade.
460
00:17:44,772 --> 00:17:47,358
It's not Oprah.
461
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:48,650
I thought it was Oprah.
462
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,570
It's a spunky little tween.
463
00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:52,863
Now, as I'm sure
Liz has told you,
464
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:54,532
I am Pam.
465
00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:55,908
Pam.
466
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,636
I'm a middle school
class vice president,
467
00:17:57,660 --> 00:18:00,663
a certified and
trained baby sitter,
468
00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:02,707
and I recently got
Internet in my room.
469
00:18:02,999 --> 00:18:04,292
I think I gave her wine.
470
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:05,864
I believe I can
achieve anything.
471
00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:09,422
So let's get down to
solving this problem.
472
00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,882
Which one of you is janna?
473
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:17,680
Hello, Mr. Donaghy.
474
00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:19,116
Did you have a
good night, Kenneth?
475
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:20,391
Oh, yes, sir.
476
00:18:20,683 --> 00:18:22,268
Hardly any screaming
from the Colonel.
477
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,603
Mm.
478
00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:28,024
Actually, I was thinking,
we all try to be perfect,
479
00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:31,235
but the world maybe, well...
480
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:33,279
Uh, what I'm trying to say...
481
00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:37,074
There's a whole
channel on the cable
482
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:39,286
that just tells you what's
on the other channels.
483
00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:40,786
I know, Kenneth. It's okay.
484
00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:44,624
I'm glad I'm not a white
man, Mr. Donaghy.
485
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:47,543
[Laughs]
486
00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:50,296
Is spongebob squarepants
supposed to be terrifying?
487
00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:53,007
You're darn right
he is, Kenneth.
488
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:56,677
[Silently] I knew it.
489
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:59,096
Yesterday, Liz and I realized
490
00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:03,768
that she's probably
wearing the wrong bra size.
491
00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:04,727
Oh.
492
00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:09,106
Yup. That one's
definitely bigger.
493
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,609
(Pam) And that made me feel sad.
494
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:15,154
Now show me your
emotion drawings.
495
00:19:17,198 --> 00:19:18,878
(Jenna) Tracy, your
emotion is upside-down.
496
00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:20,552
(Tracy) That's the way
my world is right now.
497
00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:23,704
I guess I'm gonna have to
clean up your mess after all.
498
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,831
She's 12. How did I...
499
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,643
It's okay. It happens
to the best of us.
500
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:28,947
In-flight medication
is how I met
501
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,170
M. Night Shyamalan
until it turned out to be...
502
00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:33,381
That was the
best day of my life.
503
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,466
Liz, we worked it out.
504
00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:36,884
(Tracy) I've been hearing,
505
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,178
but I haven't been listening.
506
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:41,972
And I need to stop
being a frenemy
507
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:44,141
and be your real B.F.F.
508
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:48,270
Well, it looks like
my work here is done.
509
00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:52,149
So I'll see you at my
parents' house for dinner.
510
00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:53,721
My best friend
Gail can't make it
511
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,569
because she has some
algebra test tomorrow.
512
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:57,613
Oh, Gail.
513
00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,240
Good job, Lemon.
514
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,117
Good job, Pam, really.
515
00:20:01,409 --> 00:20:02,529
Be a white man. Take credit.
516
00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:03,869
Hmm.
517
00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:09,458
♪ Lean on me when
you're not strong ♪
518
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:11,168
We're not doing that now.
519
00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,754
Stop that. Do you hear me?
520
00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:16,566
I don't think I should
be drinking this.
521
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:18,843
Oh, come on. Like
you never have a drink?
522
00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:21,238
Well, I did have some champagne
at my cousin's wedding once.
523
00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:22,262
Yeah, you did.
524
00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:23,430
To Oprah.
525
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,765
My name is Pam.
526
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,892
[Laughing] Oh, Oprah!
37605
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