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1
00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:03,921
[Bossa nova music]
2
00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:06,924
♪ ♪
3
00:00:07,216 --> 00:00:08,376
(Male voice) Hello, pussycat!
4
00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:09,426
Oh, really?
5
00:00:09,718 --> 00:00:12,221
Lot of ladies get right
in the car after that line,
6
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,515
you creepy piece of.. Jack!
7
00:00:14,806 --> 00:00:17,684
Oh!
8
00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:20,062
What are you... oh, I'm sorry.
9
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,897
[Chuckling] D'oh!
10
00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:23,565
When did you get back from D.C.?
11
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,537
How did you get out
of your government job?
12
00:00:25,734 --> 00:00:27,444
Um, I'm not at
Liberty to discuss that.
13
00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:29,154
That information is classified.
14
00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:30,526
At least until Cheney dies,
15
00:00:30,614 --> 00:00:31,883
which is gonna be a
long time from now.
16
00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:33,158
That man is mostly metal.
17
00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:35,869
The important
thing is that I'm here,
18
00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,538
and I'm gonna get
my old job back.
19
00:00:37,829 --> 00:00:39,456
Yes, please come back, Jack!
20
00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:40,916
Devin is the worst.
21
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:42,477
It's like he doesn't
he even care
22
00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:43,585
when we should have cake
23
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:44,896
for people's whose
birthdays are on the weekend.
24
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:46,880
The Friday before. At lunch.
25
00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:48,172
Oh!
26
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,883
So what's with
the outfit, Lemon?
27
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:51,277
Did the people from
that makeover show
28
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:52,541
finally respond to your letter?
29
00:00:52,678 --> 00:00:55,764
No, I am dressed up
because the adoption agency
30
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,100
is doing my home
evaluation today.
31
00:00:58,392 --> 00:00:59,518
Just be yourself, Lemon.
32
00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:01,090
I'm gonna be better than myself.
33
00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:02,396
My apartment is spotless.
34
00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:03,968
I have practiced all my answers.
35
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:05,627
I got rid of all my
Colin Firth movies
36
00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:07,176
in case they
consider them erotica.
37
00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:08,479
That man can wear a sweater.
38
00:01:08,652 --> 00:01:10,252
There is no chance
that I'm blowing this.
39
00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:13,407
[Exciting jazz music]
40
00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:21,699
♪ ♪
41
00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:31,109
(Devin) What can
I do for you, Jack?
42
00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:33,260
Devin, I know we've
had our battles in the past,
43
00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:34,886
but I want to offer
my assistance
44
00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:36,763
to you and ka thy
45
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:39,016
[chuckles] Oh,
that's funny, Jack.
46
00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:40,868
You see, the only
thing that Kathy and I
47
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,352
need assistance with
48
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:44,438
is deciding which
John Mayer song
49
00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:45,397
to do it to.
50
00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:46,732
Oh, come on, Banks.
51
00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:49,443
You sold off small appliances.
52
00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:51,862
Sheinhardt wigs missed
projections for last quarter.
53
00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:53,530
I hear that that theme park fire
54
00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:56,199
didn't destroy any of the
stuff it was supposed to.
55
00:01:56,491 --> 00:01:57,802
Rumor has it you're
in over your head.
56
00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,161
[Coughs]
57
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,705
Well, you know what they
say about rumors, Jack.
58
00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:04,416
They make a "ru"
out of "mor" and "s."
59
00:02:04,708 --> 00:02:06,335
Yes, we've had
some setback. Ahem.
60
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,879
But Kathy and I have
everything under control.
61
00:02:09,171 --> 00:02:11,465
No! Aah!
62
00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:13,109
Don't even think
about talking to her
63
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,760
when her soaps are on!
64
00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:16,212
Seriously, she will bite you.
65
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,180
You owe me a job, Banks.
66
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,033
You know her father
wanted me to takeover
67
00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:20,766
before he slipped
into that coma.
68
00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:22,225
Hmph.
69
00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:24,478
If there's one thing I
learned from you, Jack,
70
00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:27,856
it's keep your friends close...
71
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,274
And your enemies so close
72
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:32,319
that you're almost kissing.
73
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:40,327
So... ahem... that's why
I'm gonna offer you a job.
74
00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:42,037
In the mailroom.
75
00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:45,165
[Laughing]
76
00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:45,916
I'll take it.
77
00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:48,543
Great news, guys.
78
00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:49,915
I just got a residual check
79
00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:51,487
from that Japanese
commercial I did.
80
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:54,591
[Japanese pop music]
81
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:56,927
[Giggles] I still don't know
82
00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,471
how that advertised
Tokyo university.
83
00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:02,099
But I'm gonna use this $300
84
00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:03,701
to buy us all some
new boots for me.
85
00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:06,812
It's official! I'm a genius.
86
00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:09,564
My video game is selling
through the rizznoof.
87
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,234
Well, how far
through the riznoof?
88
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:15,529
Whoa, that's not slang. He
has a speech impediment.
89
00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:18,490
61 million copies at $60 each.
90
00:03:18,782 --> 00:03:19,866
[Laughter]
91
00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:21,451
Well, you know you didn't
92
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:23,078
make this video
game alone, Tracy.
93
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:23,954
A lot of people helped.
94
00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:27,124
I don't know. I
think I did it alone.
95
00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:30,711
And this check is the prizznoof.
96
00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:35,924
Now that one was just
him being obnoxious.
97
00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:41,722
Thank you. Jack?
98
00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:43,807
I'm back, Lemon.
99
00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:45,600
Devin thought he
could humiliate me,
100
00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:47,620
but he doesn't understand
that I worked my way up
101
00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:48,186
from the bottom before,
and I can do it again.
102
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:49,896
The last time took me 22 years,
103
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,274
but I know so much
more now this time.
104
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:53,108
I think I can do it in nine.
105
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,735
So you're gonna
be a mailroom guy.
106
00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:57,529
I'm the head mailroom guy.
107
00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:58,965
I've already been promoted
once since this morning.
108
00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:00,157
That's pretty fast.
109
00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:01,575
With a little hard work,
110
00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:02,885
I think I'll be back to
VP status before I'm 60.
111
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,911
And if my home
evaluation goes well,
112
00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:07,289
I will be a mother by 50.
113
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:08,621
We really can have it all.
114
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:11,501
Yeah.
115
00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:16,339
What was your reason
for wanting to adopt?
116
00:04:16,631 --> 00:04:18,341
Thank you for
that question, Bev.
117
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:19,968
The world is a troubled place,
118
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,762
and with so many children
119
00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:23,346
in need of adoption worldwide...
120
00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:25,807
So..."infertility" or "other?"
121
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,310
Other.
122
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:29,978
How old are you, Liz? 37.
123
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,855
I should tell you right now
124
00:04:32,147 --> 00:04:33,565
it's important
that you don't lie.
125
00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:37,819
How often do you entertain
gentlemen sex guests?
126
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,572
Oh, boy, that's
once a year, maybe.
127
00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,304
But I'd be open to
cutting that down.
128
00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,534
Is that a safety thing?
Because I can fix that.
129
00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:47,245
You ever run a webcam
ring out of here, Liz?
130
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:48,723
Gentlemen tell you
what to do, you do it?
131
00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:51,166
At first with some
feigned hesitation?
132
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:55,337
No! Is that on the form?
133
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,464
Have you ever been
convicted of a crime?
134
00:04:57,756 --> 00:04:59,883
I was arrested once in Germany
135
00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:00,550
for public nudity.
136
00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:02,469
I thought it was
a topless beach.
137
00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:04,054
It was a shipyard.
138
00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:06,890
[Beeping]
139
00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:08,934
You're a TV writer, Liz.
140
00:05:09,226 --> 00:05:09,810
How many hours per
week do you work?
141
00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:12,437
Between 60 and 80. [Alarm stops]
142
00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:14,314
[Cell phone vibrating]
143
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:15,941
Is that a work call?
144
00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:17,233
Could be.
145
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,860
Or it could be my
annual sex guest.
146
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,445
[Giggling]
147
00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:22,137
Your work life seems
very demanding.
148
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:25,700
Maybe I should pop
by there tomorrow.
149
00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:30,872
Uh, Ms. Geiss, I have
your soap opera digest.
150
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,667
Kathy, this can't
be easy for you.
151
00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:35,669
Your father, such
a great leader,
152
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:36,962
trapped in a coma.
153
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,756
All this responsibility
heaped on your...
154
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:41,675
Young shoulders.
155
00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:43,385
With all due respect to Devin,
156
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,720
he's a party boy
157
00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:47,430
with a grown man's job.
158
00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:49,057
He can't handle it.
159
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,350
I want to be of service.
160
00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:51,893
Let me help you.
161
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,523
Oh.
162
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,692
Oh!
163
00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:03,989
Hey, can I have
everyone's attention, please?
164
00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:05,991
Hi, there's...
165
00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:09,160
There is a woman
coming by the office today...
166
00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:10,912
(All) Ooh-whoo!
167
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:11,872
No, stop it.
168
00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:13,331
Uh, her name is Bev,
169
00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:16,585
and she is evaluating
me for an adoption.
170
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:17,877
(All) Ooh-whoo!
171
00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:19,754
Morons. Ugh.
172
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:22,465
I need everyone to be
on their best behavior.
173
00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:23,757
No cursing.
174
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,164
Please take down any pornography
175
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,596
that you have in your office.
176
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:30,181
(Liz) Nothing weird.
177
00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,017
Oh, come on. It's
movie party Thursday.
178
00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:33,977
I brought in my tape
of circus accidents.
179
00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:35,520
No, no.
180
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,355
Please, a lion eats a sad clown.
181
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:38,647
Tomorrow.
182
00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:40,942
Please just be
normal-sauce for one day.
183
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:44,070
And change that hat.
184
00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:46,489
Pete, I need you to
call the set design guys
185
00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:49,117
and have them make the
green room into a nursery.
186
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,286
I may have lied
about some stuff.
187
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:52,871
Liz.
188
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:55,123
I have a serious issue.
189
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,626
Oh, I told you not to
write back to your stalker.
190
00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:00,295
Oh, no, this is
not about yolanda.
191
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:01,713
Listen, Tracy keeps bragging
192
00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,065
about all the money he's making
193
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:04,249
off of his stupid video game.
194
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:06,927
Meanwhile, those of us
who did the voice acting
195
00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:08,219
weren't even compensated.
196
00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:10,388
I mean, I don't do
anything for yolanda,
197
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,160
and she sends me
those headless dolls.
198
00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:14,142
Well, I was not
supposed to say anything,
199
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,103
but he has something
very special planned.
200
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:18,795
Oh, I'll believe
that when I see it.
201
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:19,939
Well, you will see,
202
00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:21,000
and then you are
gonna be embarrassed
203
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:22,084
that we had this conversation.
204
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:23,944
Can I hide this
box of penis pasta
205
00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:25,235
in your dressing room?
206
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,947
Lemon.
207
00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:28,490
Psst!
208
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:29,824
She touched me.
209
00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:31,576
Who? Kathy Geiss.
210
00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:33,536
She touched me
in my swimsuit area.
211
00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:35,330
No! Kathy?
212
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:36,873
It made me very uncomfortable.
213
00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:39,459
It's not all erotic and fun,
like when men do it to women.
214
00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:41,211
Have you ever been
sexually harassed?
215
00:07:41,503 --> 00:07:42,754
Of course not. Of course not.
216
00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:44,523
I mean, how far would
I have to let her go
217
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:45,547
to get my old job back?
218
00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:46,734
Are we talking over the shirt?
219
00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:47,758
Frontsies, backsies?
220
00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:49,844
Or would I really have
to give her my gift?
221
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:51,416
Ugh. Oh, what
am I talking about?
222
00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:53,139
I can't go through this.
223
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:54,975
If I pleasure Kathy
to get my old job,
224
00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:56,726
I'm no better than Devin.
225
00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:59,396
The only path is
the virtuous path.
226
00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:00,397
Even if it takes five years.
227
00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:01,791
I thought you said nine years.
228
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,125
I was promoted
again this morning.
229
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,429
I'm now director
of mail systems.
230
00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,736
Heh! Ugh.
231
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:13,535
Nice work, Hornberger.
Are these dolls?
232
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:14,827
Are they?
233
00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:16,121
(Doll) Mommy!
234
00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:17,653
They're called little creepers.
235
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:19,749
Oh, is it so wrong
that I just want to have
236
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:21,394
one of these to grow
up and resent me?
237
00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:22,836
Oh, you will.
238
00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:25,422
Hmm. [Doll cries]
239
00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:29,259
(Liz) Hey, Tracy, did you see
240
00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:30,711
that thing in the paper today
241
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:33,054
about how Lil Wayne...
That's a person, right?
242
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,515
Anyway, Lil Wayne,
243
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:39,060
every time one of
his albums drops,
244
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:40,770
he buys diamond watches
245
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:42,981
for everybody that worked on it.
246
00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:45,984
I know what you're
hinting at, Liz Lemon.
247
00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:47,796
I should get my rap
career going again.
248
00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:49,320
All in due time.
249
00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:51,448
No, I want you to get presents
250
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:53,660
for everyone who helped
you with your video game.
251
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:54,700
Especially Jenna.
252
00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:58,246
Noblesse oblige, yes.
253
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,874
Let's go shopping.
To the Batmobile!
254
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,584
[Chuckles]
255
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,045
Don't worry. He's
just leasing it.
256
00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:06,421
Oh, good.
257
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,631
What I'm saying is
258
00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:10,341
don't dress for
the job you have.
259
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:12,010
Dress for the job
you want to have.
260
00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:13,302
So now, Manny...
261
00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:14,804
Tomorrow I'll show up for work
262
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,282
dressed as a Mexican wrestler.
263
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,391
Well...
264
00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:19,392
Aah ooh eee!
265
00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:20,684
Banks?!
266
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:22,187
Good god, what
are you doing here?
267
00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:23,563
Where are your shoes?
268
00:09:23,855 --> 00:09:25,315
Oh, damn it.
269
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:27,650
Must've left them in
my business meeting.
270
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:29,545
Banks, you've gotta
get a hold of yourself.
271
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:30,671
You've got a company to run.
272
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:31,988
Oh, I'm running it.
273
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,532
I have a plan to quadruple
profits by the year 2015.
274
00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:36,302
How are you possibly
going to do that?
275
00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:38,661
The old-fashioned way, Jack.
276
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:41,372
I'm gonna shut it down.
277
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:43,392
I'm gonna shut the whole
thing down for two years.
278
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:44,667
I mean, imagine how badly
279
00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:46,062
people'll want light bulbs then.
280
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,462
Are you insane?
281
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,074
Think about the
jobs, the economy.
282
00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:50,172
This is ge!
283
00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:51,382
It's just "g" now, Jack.
284
00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:53,718
I sold the "e" to Samsung.
They're samesung now.
285
00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:55,154
I was supposed to
be a ta board meeting
286
00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:56,304
five hours ago.
287
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,390
Which way's Connecticut... oh!
288
00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:06,022
Oh, hi. May I help you.
289
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:07,482
Ah, I'm Bev.
290
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,484
I'm here to do Liz's
adoption evaluation.
291
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,236
Oh, of course.
292
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:13,154
I think adoption is
a wonderful thing.
293
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:16,241
Three of my nine
siblings were adopted.
294
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:19,494
And someday I'm gonna find them.
295
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:22,247
Bev, hi! Thank you, Kenneth.
296
00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:24,958
So this our studio.
297
00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:27,127
It would be a really fun place
298
00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:28,545
for a kid to grow up.
299
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:29,921
Lots of costumes and...
300
00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:31,631
[Electricity crackles,
man screams]
301
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:34,342
Watch out, idiot!
Nice job, jackass!
302
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:35,969
We're like a big family here.
303
00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:37,262
Hey, Rick!
304
00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:40,515
I'm Fred. Rick is
the other black guy.
305
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:42,475
Happens to everyone, right, Bev?
306
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:47,063
Yeah, happens all the
time to my black husband.
307
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:52,318
Well, I first met Liz in 1993.
308
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:53,770
She was fresh out of college,
309
00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:55,655
and I had just broken
up with O.J. Simpson.
310
00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:57,198
And can I just say something?
311
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,117
Total gentleman.
312
00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:01,286
Liz is a really,
really mature person.
313
00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:03,746
And she totally deserves
to get custody of her kids.
314
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,373
It's not a custody case.
315
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,083
Liz is trying to adopt a child.
316
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:08,960
Then who were those kids
317
00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:10,479
that you were yelling
at the other day?
318
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,380
Those were some child actors
319
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,717
who had lied about
being able to break-dance.
320
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,343
Actually, I lived with Liz
321
00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:18,863
while I was separated
from my wife.
322
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,388
In a platonic way.
323
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,575
Um, but I haven't lived
there for a couple months now
324
00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,785
because I've been in an anger
management treatment center
325
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:29,022
'cause I shot one of my
coworkers with an arrow.
326
00:11:29,981 --> 00:11:31,581
I think it's a circus
in the Philippines.
327
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,110
The lion goes nuts and
attacks this older clown.
328
00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:36,042
How did we get started
talking about this?
329
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,697
Did you bring it up?
330
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:41,576
I'm so sorry.
331
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:43,468
Would you excuse us
for a moment, please?
332
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,038
How is your thing going?
333
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:46,849
Not terrific. I'm not
sure that she's...
334
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,917
Lemon, I don't have
five years. What?
335
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,835
Devin's lost it.
336
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:53,147
I've gotta stop him before
this whole thing implodes.
337
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,771
He wants to shut down
the entire company.
338
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,007
What are you talking about?
339
00:11:56,299 --> 00:11:58,426
I've gotta go now while
Devin's in Connecticut.
340
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,571
I'm doing this for the greater
good. What are you saying?
341
00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:02,597
I'm going upstairs...
342
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,766
To doink Kathy Geiss.
343
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,477
God!
344
00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:11,582
(Liz) Tracy Jordan's
not here right now.
345
00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:12,606
But he's great.
346
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:13,441
It's a shame you
won't get to meet him.
347
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,860
Attention, everyone! Hey, great.
348
00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:17,946
I'd like to take this
opportunity to thank
349
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,698
everyone involved in
making my video game
350
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:24,369
the most profitable thing
since the war on terror.
351
00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:27,205
Yes, I am provocative.
352
00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:28,641
Frank, for all your hard work,
353
00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:31,251
please accept this set
of solid gold nunchackus.
354
00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:34,170
I will use these only for good.
355
00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:38,758
Hyah hyah hyah!
356
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:40,890
Petey Pete, for letting
us use the sound booth,
357
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:43,012
please accept
this chinchilla coat.
358
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:44,347
Wow.
359
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,279
You're gonna get so
much nice-nice in that
360
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:47,660
you're gonna have to
grow an another ding...
361
00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:48,977
Tracy, this is Bev.
362
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,561
The lady from
the adoption thing.
363
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:53,523
Bev... mmm-wah!
364
00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:55,375
Now you look out
for my girl, Liz Lemon,
365
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:56,601
'cause me and her go way back
366
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:59,070
like spinal cords and car seats.
367
00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:00,642
That's not really an expression.
368
00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:02,573
Ahem.
369
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:03,865
Mr. Banks?
370
00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:06,244
I thought you were going
to Connecticut today.
371
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:07,721
I blew it off. Nice
to see you, Liz.
372
00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:08,865
Let's chitchat. What's that?
373
00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:10,415
Man trouble, boot-cut
jeans? Fun, bye!
374
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,917
Kenneth, it is imperative
375
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:15,479
that you keep Mr. Banks
down here until I can get to Jack.
376
00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:16,855
Do you know what
"imperative" means?
377
00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:18,131
Tell me, tell me!
378
00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:20,425
Important. It means important.
379
00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:22,593
I'll just be a minute, Bev!
380
00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:26,347
Mr. Banks, look how
many pushups I can do.
381
00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:30,310
Hmm.
382
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:32,437
♪ Yo, it's about that time ♪
383
00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:34,248
♪ to bring forth the
rhythm and the rhyme... ♪
384
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:37,942
Devin's here!
385
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:40,653
Cover yourself.
386
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:42,447
[Elevator dings]
387
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:51,164
You smell like strawberries.
388
00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:53,541
That's the lip
gloss she put on me
389
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,627
so I could be her fancy boy.
390
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:59,756
Is this the way my life
was supposed to play out?
391
00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:02,425
The kid who walked four
miles every Saturday to caddy
392
00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:04,069
because mother said
that golf was a game
393
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:05,303
for businessmen?
394
00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:06,697
Paid his way through Princeton
395
00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:08,361
by working the day
shift at that graveyard
396
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:10,034
and the graveyard
shift at the days inn?
397
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:13,811
22 years of single-mindedly
fighting my way
398
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,164
to the top of this company.
399
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,188
Thank god I don't have
400
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,676
your biological
need for children.
401
00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:19,859
That would make success
impossible. Thanks.
402
00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:22,236
This job was all I've
ever wanted, Lemon.
403
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:24,328
And now it hinges on
how far I'm willing to go
404
00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:26,214
with a woman in dora
the explorer panties
405
00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:27,968
that were clearly
made for an obese child.
406
00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:29,202
Are you sure she wants sex?
407
00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:31,014
Maybe she's just
looking for attention.
408
00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:31,871
I mean, her whole world
409
00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:34,040
is stuffed unicorns
and soap operas.
410
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:36,584
Aren't soap operas all
about sex? No, no way.
411
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,062
No, the best part
of a soap opera
412
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:39,766
is when someone's
twin interrupts a wedding
413
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,340
or somebody pulls a
gun at the fitness center.
414
00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:43,692
[Cell phone beeps]
Hold on a second.
415
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,551
Kathy's texting me now.
416
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:47,678
She's wondering where
my strawberry mouth is.
417
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:50,765
Oh, nerds, it's Bev.
Please be charming.
418
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:52,217
Hello, Bev. I'm Jack Donaghy.
419
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:54,233
Have you had a tour of
our magnificent studio?
420
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:55,645
I have not. Right this way.
421
00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:57,522
(Jenna) This is
what you're giving me
422
00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,625
as a "thank you" gift...
Some coupons for free hugs?
423
00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:00,733
I'm suing you for my share
424
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,252
of your video
game profits, Tracy.
425
00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:02,985
You're gonna Sue me?!
426
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:04,904
Would you like to
see the green room?
427
00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,840
(Tracy) Who do you think
you are, the San Diego zoo?
428
00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:09,033
You mean the nursery!
429
00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:10,685
(Fred) We gotta
get this stuff back
430
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,203
to the rental place by 5:00.
431
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:15,331
(Dolls) I love you!
Mommy, I love you!
432
00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,041
Dear god.
433
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:18,453
Ms. Lemon, did you lie to me
434
00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:19,645
about their being
a nursery here?
435
00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:21,712
No! Rick, what are you doing?
436
00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:23,798
Bitch, my name is Fred.
437
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:25,383
[Chuckles]
438
00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:27,385
This is very disturbing, Liz.
439
00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:29,197
This is a very
serious breach of trust.
440
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,139
Bev, allow me to explain.
441
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,266
I've been mentoring
Lemon for some time now.
442
00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:36,060
Are you her boss? No,
I work in the mail room.
443
00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:40,022
[Bev and Kathy screaming]
444
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:41,649
Kathy, Bev and
I are just friends!
445
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:42,941
Oh!
446
00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:45,736
Kathy's the new
CEO of our company.
447
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:49,115
Bev, you better run!
She's surprisingly strong!
448
00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:50,491
Unh! Oh!
449
00:15:57,206 --> 00:16:00,543
Frank, I told you
to change that hat!
450
00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:03,087
Oh, god, how can
I have a kid here?
451
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:06,174
I can't even keep a grown
woman safe in this place.
452
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:07,842
"Unsatisfactory"?
453
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,261
Unh. Are you okay, Bev?
454
00:16:10,553 --> 00:16:12,054
You had quite a fall there. Oh.
455
00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:14,515
Ah, I'm Bev.
456
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,560
I'm here to do Liz's
adoption evaluation.
457
00:16:17,852 --> 00:16:21,147
Why, yes, hello, Bev.
Did you just get here?
458
00:16:21,439 --> 00:16:23,983
Yes, I'm here to do
Liz's adoption evaluation.
459
00:16:24,275 --> 00:16:26,110
Where's my clicky pen?
460
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:27,403
I get a do-over.
461
00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:29,175
No, we have to
take her to a hospital.
462
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:32,158
No, 20 minutes. Just
give me 20 minutes.
463
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:35,077
Do-over, do-over!
464
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:36,954
She doesn't remember anything.
465
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:38,307
(Jack) You heard
what the lady said.
466
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:38,956
We're taking a mulligan.
467
00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:40,500
Let's make this one count now.
468
00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:41,918
It's time, Lemon.
469
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:43,604
Kathy's texting me
that Devin's gone.
470
00:16:43,628 --> 00:16:44,730
I have to go upstairs.
What are you gonna do?
471
00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:45,939
I'm gonna give Kathy
the full soap opera
472
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:47,883
while you try to trick a
lady with a head injury.
473
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:49,943
We might not be the best
people. But we're not the worst.
474
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:53,012
(Both) Graduate
students are the worst.
475
00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:54,615
[Slurred speech] Hi,
I'm Bev. Let's get started.
476
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:56,724
Right this way!
477
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,809
I know Liz would be
a wonderful mother...
478
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,395
Because she's
intelligent and kind.
479
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:03,606
She reminds me of my own mom.
480
00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:06,108
Tough love, consistency,
481
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,236
a little mustache
in a certain light.
482
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,530
And other kids really like her.
483
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:11,906
What?
484
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,616
(Liz) Hey, Fred!
485
00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:14,951
Hey.
486
00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:17,328
Well, I think I've seen
everything I need to see.
487
00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,330
Man, do I have a headache.
488
00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:20,807
Let's get down to brass tacks.
489
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:23,334
Liz, as a single woman
with a demanding job
490
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:28,214
working in such a, well,
nontraditional environment,
491
00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:31,175
I'm sorry, but you're
not an ideal candidate.
492
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:33,344
But we did everything
perfectly this time.
493
00:17:33,636 --> 00:17:34,762
Hmm? Bev, listen to me.
494
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,807
Yes, I work very hard.
Almost all the time.
495
00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:41,519
But I feel like my life will
open up and make room,
496
00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:43,604
just the same way that
my heart will open up
497
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,523
and make room
when I meet this baby.
498
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:47,692
And, yes, this
place is not ideal,
499
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,569
but these weirdoes
are family to me.
500
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:52,113
And so if this job
is a deal-breaker,
501
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,198
then you tear up my application
502
00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:57,577
and I will start over
some place else.
503
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,457
I wish there were a
box on these forms
504
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,376
where I could
check off "passion."
505
00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:08,713
Because that is exactly
the kind of warmth
506
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:10,840
and assertiveness
that we are looking for.
507
00:18:11,132 --> 00:18:13,467
I am going to reconsider
your recommendation.
508
00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:16,137
Oh, Bev, thank you! [Laughing]
509
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,222
Thank you, Bev!
510
00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:21,601
[Chuckles] Oh.
511
00:18:21,892 --> 00:18:23,227
I'm Bev.
512
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,521
I'm here to do Liz's
adoption evaluation.
513
00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:26,897
Gargh!
514
00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:30,234
All right, take her
to the hospital.
515
00:18:31,694 --> 00:18:34,030
[Slurred speech]
Let's get started.
516
00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:36,574
Ah! What are you doing?
517
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:38,576
Get upstairs. Jonathan, not now.
518
00:18:38,868 --> 00:18:39,452
Yes now!
519
00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:41,024
Jack kicked me
out of the office.
520
00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:44,749
He's about to debase
himself to save the company.
521
00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:46,041
Don't do this!
522
00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:47,519
If you do, you'll be
just as bad as Devin.
523
00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:50,546
Liz, what are you doing here?
524
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:53,299
I thought you were
525
00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:54,693
at the fitness
center with your twin.
526
00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:57,136
What?
527
00:18:57,428 --> 00:18:59,263
Liz, it's not what you think.
528
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:00,907
Kathy and I are just
working together.
529
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:02,892
Kathy, you know my lover, Liz.
530
00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:05,102
That better be true, Jack,
531
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:06,754
or I'll make both
of you disappear,
532
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:09,315
just like I did with
Vivienne and patch.
533
00:19:09,607 --> 00:19:12,068
Don't be ridiculous, Liz.
534
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:16,030
You know you're the only
woman I've ever really loved.
535
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,865
Kathy's my partner.
536
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,575
She's hiring me to advise her
537
00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:20,886
in all her business matters.
538
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:23,079
Isn't that true, Kathy?
539
00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:25,206
I'm sorry, darling.
540
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:26,957
I've just been paranoid
541
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:29,794
ever since that incident
with the weather machine.
542
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:31,796
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
543
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:42,682
No, that's... UN-uh. No
thank you. No, I don't think so.
544
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:44,725
Got any mail for me, Donaghy?
545
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,395
It's all over, Banks.
546
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:48,854
Kathy has hired me privately
547
00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:50,626
to advise her on
all business matters.
548
00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,192
My god. That's her signature.
549
00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:55,277
Yeah.
550
00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:56,737
Well, I'm not stupid, Jack.
551
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,614
I saw this day coming.
552
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:00,186
But I've already made provisions
553
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,368
for my financial future.
554
00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:04,245
Check this out.
555
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,997
[Tires squeal]
556
00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:10,042
Oh! I'm gonna Sue you!
557
00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:12,014
I've gonna Sue the
entire city of New York!
558
00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:13,254
I'm gonna Sue you.
559
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,881
You can't Sue me!
I'm already being sued!
560
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:17,173
Double indemnity!
561
00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:18,665
[Tries squealing, horn honking]
562
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:19,927
No, no, no!
563
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:29,804
Lemon, how's your friend Bev?
564
00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:32,440
Unfortunately, Bev has
made a full recovery.
565
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,359
So I have to start over
with another agency.
566
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:37,445
This might take a
long time, actually.
567
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:39,739
The semi-virtuous path.
568
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:41,282
You won't regret it.
569
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:42,783
Heh.
570
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,109
Did you need
something else, Lemon?
571
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,250
No.
572
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:55,254
I just like seeing you in there.
40514
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