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1
00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:08,023
Hey, I wanted to come
say merry Christmas
2
00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:09,411
before we all
leave for the break.
3
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:11,112
Oh, thank you, Lemon.
That's very thoughtful.
4
00:00:11,136 --> 00:00:12,136
Help yourself to a gift.
5
00:00:12,304 --> 00:00:14,640
Oh, wow.
6
00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:16,932
It's our new handheld photo
scanner/paper shredder.
7
00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,997
Oh, well, won't people just
end up shredding their photos?
8
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,248
Well, no, no, it's
very easy to use.
9
00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:24,392
If you want to photo-scan,
you flip the switch to P.S.
10
00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:27,194
And if you want to paper
shred, you flip the switch to...
11
00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:29,279
Oh.
12
00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:31,448
I'd like to make
an announcement!
13
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,661
I just want to say
that I'm really sorry
14
00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:37,913
for whatever I'm going
to do at the party tonight.
15
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,249
And I forgive all
of you in advance
16
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:41,583
for leaving me passed out
17
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,155
by the elevator in my own gravy.
18
00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:45,254
Merry Ludachristmas, everyone!
19
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,881
Are you gonna do horny
Santa again, Frank?
20
00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:51,510
That was so funny last
year when I sat on your lap.
21
00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:54,429
Yes, funny.
22
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:56,056
So big plans for the holidays?
23
00:00:56,348 --> 00:00:58,068
Yeah, my parents are
coming with my brother,
24
00:00:58,350 --> 00:01:00,686
and we're gonna go see
Jersey boys on Broadway.
25
00:01:00,978 --> 00:01:02,080
And we're gonna
go to that restaurant
26
00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:03,264
where they pretend it's Mars.
27
00:01:03,522 --> 00:01:05,282
God, you must be a
ball of anxiety right now.
28
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:06,566
No, I'm really excited.
29
00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:08,095
What are you trying
to say, Lemon?
30
00:01:08,151 --> 00:01:08,652
That your family's perfect
and you never fight?
31
00:01:08,944 --> 00:01:10,779
No, I remember
them arguing a lot
32
00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:13,407
during the gas crisis of '79.
33
00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:14,950
But since Carter left office,
34
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:16,522
it's been pretty smooth sailing.
35
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:17,618
You got that right.
36
00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:19,538
So is your mom
coming up from Florida?
37
00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:22,708
No, I invited her out of
my paralyzing Irish guilt,
38
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,877
but her plane was grounded
because of hurricane Zapato.
39
00:01:26,169 --> 00:01:27,921
Look at that!
40
00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:28,755
That's where she lives.
41
00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,174
Jupiter, the eye
of the storm... oh!
42
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:33,385
So are you alone for Christmas?
43
00:01:33,677 --> 00:01:35,137
No, I was gonna
drive up to Vermont
44
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:36,429
and surprise C.C.
45
00:01:36,555 --> 00:01:38,640
Sir! Your mother is here.
46
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,309
She took a bus to Atlanta.
47
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,769
She got jet Blue to
accept an amtrak ticket.
48
00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:44,271
Tell her I'm...
49
00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:46,416
♪ Jingle bells, ♪ jingle
bells, jingle bells ♪ ♪
50
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,150
Surprise! It's your mother.
51
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,526
Merry Christmas.
52
00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:51,612
Mwah!
53
00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:53,905
Jack...
54
00:01:54,197 --> 00:01:55,637
Isn't this the office
you had before?
55
00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:57,302
I thought you were
up for a big promotion.
56
00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:58,606
I am, mother, and there are only
57
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:00,305
two nicer offices in
the whole building.
58
00:02:00,329 --> 00:02:02,456
Only two? I don't like the odds.
59
00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:04,291
I think you better
let that dream go.
60
00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,668
Hello, Liz!
61
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,920
What the hell was that?
62
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:10,881
It's a message on my
phone from a friend.
63
00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:13,216
Oh, Jackie, please. Who is she?
64
00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:14,508
Her name is C.C.
65
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:16,595
Is she Spanish? What
if she was, mother?
66
00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:18,555
She's very smart,
Colleen. You'd like her.
67
00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:21,058
My thanks to the peanut gallery.
68
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:25,270
Jack, this coat isn't
going to take itself off.
69
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:36,531
♪ ♪
70
00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:49,336
Ludachristmas is tonight?
71
00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:51,630
Well, I guess I can make it.
72
00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:52,982
I just hope I don't get drunk
73
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,609
and sing Christmas
Carols like I did last year.
74
00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,176
Well, I'm not going,
because my parents
75
00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:57,737
and my brother
Mitch are in town.
76
00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:59,721
Mitch is here? Yes.
77
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,973
For those of you who
don't know my brother,
78
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:03,809
Mitch was in a skiing accident
79
00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,341
his senior year of high school,
80
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:08,730
and he has what's called
trauma-induced niveaphasia.
81
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,191
Basically he's just stuck
82
00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:12,859
in the day before his accident.
83
00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:17,406
Oh, tomorrow's the big day!
84
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,074
It's gonna be totally rad!
85
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:20,826
Yeah, Mitch, rad!
86
00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:25,162
He thinks it's 1985.
87
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,873
So if you meet
him, just be cool.
88
00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:28,750
It should be
mentioned that sexually
89
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,419
Mitch is very much an adult.
90
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,713
No, it should not be mentioned.
91
00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:33,630
Merry Christmas
92
00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:36,591
from Sheinhart-universal,
everyone.
93
00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:37,963
Merry Christmas. Thank you!
94
00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:39,594
Merry Christmas.
95
00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:41,179
Merry Jewish.
96
00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:42,139
Merry Christmas.
97
00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:43,557
What is this?
98
00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:46,226
It's a ps-575 photo shredder.
99
00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:50,647
Well, that's not
the Christmas spirit.
100
00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:53,483
Christmas is about
gratitude and togetherness.
101
00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,277
Sitting with friends and family
102
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,028
around a crackling fire
103
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:58,947
waiting for the
owl meat to cook.
104
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,701
Sometimes I don't
think you people
105
00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:04,786
understand Christmas at all.
106
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,165
Hi, I think I'm early.
107
00:04:08,457 --> 00:04:09,737
I'm here to have Christmas meats
108
00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,626
eaten off my chest
at some party.
109
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,758
Merry Christmas, Ms. Lemon.
110
00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:19,801
Oh, thank you, Kenneth.
111
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:23,805
Well, fancy suits.
112
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,097
How was court?
113
00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:26,348
Not great, Beth.
114
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:27,768
Oh, you really were in court?
115
00:04:28,059 --> 00:04:29,227
All tray had to do
116
00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:31,271
was sign his community
service papers.
117
00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:33,815
But he makes a
stop for breakfast first.
118
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:36,276
So it's my fault diners
can serve alcohol
119
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:37,568
in New York state?
120
00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:38,862
That's on me now?
121
00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:41,072
Now I have to wear
this for 30 days.
122
00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:42,699
Oh, my goodness.
123
00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:44,594
If I even had a drop
of alcohol in my sweat,
124
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,411
a signal goes to ankle
bracelet headquarters
125
00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:48,872
in Denver, and I go to jail.
126
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,712
And now? This time of the year?
127
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:57,798
Ludachristmas? Nude year's Eve?
128
00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:01,176
Martin Luther King
day? All you do is drink.
129
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,268
No, Tracy, you are not
going to Ludachristmas.
130
00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:04,739
But... the three of
you are in charge
131
00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:05,923
of keeping him from drinking.
132
00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:09,226
Okay. But who's project Manager?
133
00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:13,855
Hmm, that bad, huh?
134
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,357
Oh, these aren't for me.
135
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,651
I'm sending them to
my mother's hotel room
136
00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:19,629
because the room
service there is too salty.
137
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:20,946
Family stuff can be tough.
138
00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,907
Lemon party! Permission to land!
139
00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:26,785
Ohh! Permission granted!
140
00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:29,329
There's my baby!
141
00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:30,861
Hey, Liz, you want to go skiing
142
00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:32,666
up at Piper's peak tomorrow?
143
00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:33,958
It's gonna be rad.
144
00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:35,585
Psych! You can't go!
145
00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:37,045
It's the senior class trip!
146
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:41,675
Oh, psych! You got me, Mitch!
147
00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:43,047
Jack, these are my parents.
148
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,134
Dick Lemon.
149
00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:45,637
This is my boy Mitch.
150
00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:48,098
And my first wife Margaret.
151
00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:49,808
First and last,
hi! Jack Donaghy.
152
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:53,186
You are a very,
very handsome man.
153
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,856
He looks like an
arrow shirt model.
154
00:05:56,147 --> 00:05:58,942
So, Jack, is this
beautiful genius
155
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:01,903
the best employee
you've ever had or what?
156
00:06:04,155 --> 00:06:06,700
No.
157
00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:12,539
I like this guy's honesty.
158
00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:13,915
Yeah, me too.
159
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,084
Show us what you've
been working on...
160
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,378
Wilma Shakespeare.
161
00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:21,089
Oh, I'm just so proud of you.
162
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:24,259
Oh, you boota boota boota! Mwah!
163
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,303
Nice to meet you, sir. Yeah.
164
00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,103
Would you wrap these up
165
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,035
and send them to the
ritz-Carlton, please?
166
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:38,105
Oh.
167
00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:43,904
Oh, my goodness!
168
00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:46,156
Look at this!
169
00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:48,366
They built all of this
170
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:50,785
because of your words you wrote.
171
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:54,039
Thank you, thank you.
172
00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:56,011
Hey, Liz, guess who's
going skiing with me?
173
00:06:56,291 --> 00:06:58,043
Chris Stanek, your boyfriend!
174
00:06:58,335 --> 00:06:59,335
Woo!
175
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:00,377
Aw, what? Shut up!
176
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,088
I don't like him!
Boys are gross!
177
00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:05,383
Did you hear that Chris
Stanek got divorced?
178
00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:07,218
When? Is he dating again?
179
00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:08,654
Lemon, could I have a
word with you for a moment?
180
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:10,555
Oh, excuse me.
181
00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:13,516
Is, uh, everything
okay? Yeah, why?
182
00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:16,019
Your family is strange.
183
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:16,978
Oh, Mitch?
184
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,456
No, he was in a skiing accident,
185
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:19,564
and he thinks it's 1985.
186
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:20,856
No, I get it.
187
00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:22,400
I'm talking about your parents.
188
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,003
What did your mother
mean when she said
189
00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:25,403
that you were a
beautiful genius?
190
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:26,695
Was she taunting you?
191
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,823
No, they're just
super supportive.
192
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:30,134
They've always been like that.
193
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:30,700
Even I when I sued
194
00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:32,219
the lower white
haven school district
195
00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:33,703
to let girls play football.
196
00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:35,622
Hut!
197
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:41,169
Yeah! Feminism!
198
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,921
What?
199
00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:44,381
Oh.
200
00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:47,404
We didn't make the
playoffs that year,
201
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:49,386
but I think we led
the league in bravery.
202
00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,680
My god, I've never seen
203
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,015
such relentless
blind encouragement.
204
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,935
No wonder you're a
sexually frightened know-it-all.
205
00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:58,537
Hey, dad, take my picture, look.
206
00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,563
I'm the lady from flashdance.
207
00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:02,416
That's a good flashdance, honey
208
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,152
Good flashdance.
209
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:11,491
The holidays without
drinking is rough.
210
00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:13,076
Turns out football is boring.
211
00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,870
My wife's sister ain't as
cute as I thought she was.
212
00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:18,832
And I cannot play the guitar.
213
00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:20,724
Mr. Jordan, I know
how difficult this is.
214
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:25,088
I was pretty addicted to coke
back in my Wall Street days.
215
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:32,554
But you can get through this.
216
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,086
The first night is the hardest.
217
00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:35,890
But tonight is Ludachristmas.
218
00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:38,268
No, tonight you and I
219
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:40,979
are gonna have some
real Christmas fun.
220
00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:43,231
We can play party
games. Like murder!
221
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,109
First, everybody takes a
slip of paper out of a hat.
222
00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:48,028
And one person's
slip says "murderer."
223
00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:50,321
And another person's
slip says "inspector."
224
00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:51,990
Then everyone
puts their head down.
225
00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:54,284
Except the murderer.
He's the inspector.
226
00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:55,744
No, that's not right.
227
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,121
K, thanks for trying to help.
228
00:08:58,413 --> 00:08:59,413
But I'm gonna go home,
229
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:00,915
do some thinking,
230
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:06,087
and tell my wife's sister
to disregard all my emails.
231
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,923
That hotel was a disaster, Jack.
232
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:12,093
The TV had over 100
channels, for god sakes.
233
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,865
I'm only gonna be
here for three days.
234
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,414
Fine, mother. You
can stay with me.
235
00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:17,057
No, I will not let you do that.
236
00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:18,058
Are you sure?
237
00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,101
Yes, mother, I'm quite sure.
238
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,145
All right, then, that's settled.
239
00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:24,022
Jack, do you have a bathroom
240
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:25,982
that I can get to in a hurry?
241
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:29,194
Yes, right in here, mother.
242
00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:31,112
Well, that is close, isn't it?
243
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:32,404
I'll be right out.
244
00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:38,995
She should've been there.
245
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:42,123
Knock knock! It's
just the lemons.
246
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,125
We've come to drop off
247
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:45,460
a little good-bye present.
248
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:47,003
Oh, thank you!
249
00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,963
Oh, my goodness!
250
00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:51,925
What a beautiful office.
251
00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:55,136
Oh, your mother must
be so proud of you. Well...
252
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,888
Wow, look at this carpet.
253
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,780
I feel like we should
take off our shoes.
254
00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,266
Should we take off our shoes?
255
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:02,203
No, please sit down and
make yourselves comfortable.
256
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:03,561
Well, we don't
want to bother you.
257
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:06,022
We know you must have big plans.
258
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:07,541
Well, I was going to
drive up to Vermont
259
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:08,626
and visit my girlfriend C.C.
260
00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:10,151
Oh, I love that name. C.C.
261
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:11,754
Ooh, I'll bet any
girlfriend of yours
262
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:13,238
is a real winner.
263
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:13,988
Well, she is a congresswoman.
264
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:14,989
Oh, my goodness!
265
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,367
And she does have
her own lifetime movie.
266
00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:19,869
Lifetime! Wowsers!
267
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:22,041
Why don't we cut the
charade and you two tell me
268
00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:23,605
what exactly it is
you want from me.
269
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,463
Now, Alfonso, let's find
270
00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:32,549
where you should
put the keyboard.
271
00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:34,676
♪ Open, open ♪
272
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,344
♪ hommina, hommina, hommina ♪
273
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,264
♪ open pit barbecue sauce ♪
274
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:40,890
Yes, this is the sweet spot.
275
00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:43,226
Oh, and no chitchat
between songs this year.
276
00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:45,395
People don't watch
letterman for Paul shaffer.
277
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,397
Excuse me, ma'am, do you
know where the bathroom is?
278
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:54,696
Hi there, Mitch. It's Jenna.
279
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:55,697
Maroney.
280
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,240
We know each other.
281
00:10:57,532 --> 00:10:59,452
Are you, like, a friend of
my mom's or something?
282
00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,161
I mean, I'll tell
her you said hi.
283
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,044
What's up? Do you like wham?
284
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:11,421
'Cause I'm kind of like
285
00:11:11,713 --> 00:11:13,298
the George Michael of my school.
286
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:16,050
Oh, you're Mitch. Yeah.
287
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:17,444
Coming to the party tonight?
288
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,012
Oh, I wish.
289
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:21,848
I gotta rest up for my
big ski trip tomorrow.
290
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:23,140
You know, maybe you and I
291
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:24,618
could do something
together next week.
292
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:25,935
Definitely.
293
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:27,645
My parents are away next week.
294
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,190
You should come
over. I'll be in the hot tub.
295
00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:32,192
What?
296
00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:33,693
Oh, my god!
297
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:38,948
That's a filthy
Christmas miracle.
298
00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:43,953
There you guys are.
299
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:45,830
I'm sorry they just
barged in like that.
300
00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:46,664
On, not at all.
301
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:47,975
They were just dropping off
302
00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:49,167
this Christmas present.
303
00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:51,502
Oh, and look at this.
304
00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:53,755
It's got cheese and
butter and caramel.
305
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,299
All my favorites.
How did you know?
306
00:11:56,591 --> 00:11:57,591
Well, we will let you go.
307
00:11:57,759 --> 00:11:59,359
We've got a lot of
window shopping to do.
308
00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:01,554
Jack, why don't
you come with us?
309
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:03,407
Come on, you can talk to
Mitch about President Reagan.
310
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:06,768
Oh, in his mind
Reagan is still president.
311
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,102
You lucky bastard.
312
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,188
What?
313
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,148
I would love to go with you.
314
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:13,983
Good, good, good!
315
00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:17,319
Jack?
316
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:19,614
Hey, dude, I thought you left.
317
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:21,300
Yeah, I mean, what
are you guys doing?
318
00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:22,033
Going to Ludachristmas?
319
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:23,427
Yep, we heard you can't drink.
320
00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:24,661
You still coming?
321
00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:25,953
No, no, I can't go
322
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,320
because of the ankle bracelet.
323
00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:29,457
But maybe I could
go and just not drink.
324
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,251
Hey, maybe I'll compromise.
325
00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:33,022
I'll go to the party,
cut off my foot,
326
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,253
and drink all I want.
327
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,050
Luda-Christmas!
328
00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:40,385
Luda-Christmas!
329
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:41,803
Luda-Christmas!
330
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,095
Luda-Christmas!
331
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:44,597
Luda-Christmas...
332
00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,099
Grizz, Dotcom,
333
00:12:46,391 --> 00:12:47,391
shut the doors.
334
00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:49,769
Some people need to
learn about Christmas.
335
00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:55,275
Hey, watch out for her, Jack.
336
00:12:55,566 --> 00:12:57,860
She's a natural athlete.
337
00:12:58,152 --> 00:12:59,821
Played high school football.
338
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,532
It was just one game, dad.
339
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:04,426
Although I did kind of
change everything forever.
340
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:07,078
I'll never forget that day.
341
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,914
Jack, you laced those
up like a professional.
342
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:11,206
Good for you!
343
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:12,332
It's nice to have
344
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,022
some positive
reinforcement, isn't it?
345
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:15,562
Well, it's only
positive reinforcement
346
00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:16,586
when they say it to you.
347
00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:19,340
In my case, they're
just stating the facts.
348
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:20,651
I do look like the
arrow shirt man,
349
00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:22,195
I did lace up my
skates professionally,
350
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:24,470
and I did do a fabulous
job finishing my muffin.
351
00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:26,639
You wish you were in my family.
352
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:29,142
Oh! Don't be ridiculous.
353
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,811
So this Disney cruise in
march, are you in or out?
354
00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:33,103
Hey, huddle up.
355
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,426
We're gonna take
a picture. Yeah.
356
00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:35,857
Oh, thank you.
357
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:37,149
Say "Lemon!"
358
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,526
Lemon!
359
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:41,154
Jack!
360
00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:43,197
Having fun?
361
00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:50,163
Under the bridge,
under the bridge, woo!
362
00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:51,515
Jack, what the
hell are you up to?
363
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,832
Mother, I'm sorry,
364
00:13:53,124 --> 00:13:54,810
but the lemons invited me
out, and I couldn't say no.
365
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,461
They're very nice people.
366
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:58,273
Oh, nice. I'll show you nice.
367
00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:00,381
Let's all meet down
at the soda shop
368
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,342
while this country
turns into Mexico.
369
00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:04,278
Now, you see, they
don't say things like that.
370
00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:05,487
They're very
polite to each other.
371
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:06,511
I suppose you think
372
00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:09,807
that they're more
nurturing than I am.
373
00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:11,434
Mother, there
are terrorist cells
374
00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:13,394
that are more
nurturing than you are.
375
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:16,397
Be careful. I'll cry.
376
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:19,567
You give me ten minutes
with the Lemon family
377
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,486
and I'll have them
tearing at each other
378
00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:24,489
like drag queens at a wig sale.
379
00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,199
Oh!
380
00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:27,651
Mom, dad, this is Jack's mom.
381
00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:29,465
We have heard such
great things about you.
382
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,454
Have you?
383
00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:33,289
You must join us for dinner.
384
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:34,581
No, no, no!
385
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:35,911
No, we can't. We have plans.
386
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,836
Uh, had plans.
387
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,172
An evening out with the lemons.
388
00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,299
Who could ask for anything more?
389
00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,051
Great!
390
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,263
Thank you, reverend Gary.
391
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:53,059
That was both entertaining
and educational.
392
00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:55,111
Christmas has gone
off the rails around here.
393
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:56,479
Look out there.
394
00:14:56,771 --> 00:14:59,315
That is not a Christmas tree.
395
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:01,001
It's a way to lure
tourists into the basement
396
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:03,069
to buy $20 salads.
397
00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:06,906
We've lost track
of what's important.
398
00:15:07,198 --> 00:15:08,467
So now we're gonna
go around the circle,
399
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:09,771
and every one of us is gonna say
400
00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:11,327
what Christmas means to them.
401
00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:17,166
Unh!
402
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:19,127
Let's start here.
403
00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:25,883
It's so hard to choose.
404
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:28,719
The photos of the
food look so good.
405
00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:30,346
I am gonna have
406
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:33,057
the fried onion
tower for two for one.
407
00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:35,893
Good for you!
408
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:37,395
You must be so proud of Liz.
409
00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:40,940
Making it on her own
so far a way from home.
410
00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:43,359
That gives us an
excuse to visit New York.
411
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,194
I see.
412
00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:47,613
Any grandchildren?
413
00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:50,324
Oh, what a shame.
414
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:51,742
Must eat you up inside.
415
00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:54,829
Oh, well, champy, our spaniel,
416
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:56,873
keeps us pretty busy.
417
00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:59,625
See, mother, not all
species eat their young.
418
00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:01,544
Let's change the subject.
419
00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:03,296
Politics.
420
00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:06,883
We don't discuss that stuff.
421
00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:08,384
Life is too short.
422
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:09,135
Really?
423
00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:12,180
Life is too short?
424
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,557
Because your life seems endless.
425
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:19,479
♪ Life ♪ ♪
426
00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:20,354
Thank you, reverend Gary.
427
00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:23,149
It was to the tune
of American pie,
428
00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:24,609
but so much longer.
429
00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:26,903
Listen, we done
learned our lesson
430
00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:28,613
about the big tree or whatever.
431
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:30,531
This has got to stop now!
432
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,201
Yeah, who care about the
true meaning of Christmas?
433
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:36,454
It's about getting crap
and eating too much! Yeah!
434
00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:38,626
It's about getting drunk
and hugging your cousin
435
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,791
until your mom says,
"Frank, enough."
436
00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,083
That's right.
437
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:43,395
Well, now seems like a good time
438
00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:44,795
for reverend Gary
to show the video
439
00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:46,881
of his mission to
Guatemala last year.
440
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:49,967
What?! Is this a culture
where toplessness is common?
441
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,139
Pedazos de Madera!
442
00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:57,350
Tal como lo pedi mis rezos!
443
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:04,774
♪ ♪
444
00:17:05,066 --> 00:17:06,567
And here is what you did
445
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:10,029
with your Christmas presents.
446
00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:12,782
Wow. We take so
much for granted.
447
00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:14,825
Instead of having a party,
448
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:17,203
we should donate the
money to those kids.
449
00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:18,722
We should tell all
our family and friends
450
00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:20,186
we don't want any
presents this year.
451
00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:21,331
Yeah!
452
00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:22,124
We should volunteer
at a soup kitchen
453
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:24,627
instead of shopping
for stuff no one needs!
454
00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:26,379
Yeah!
455
00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:28,671
We should go downstairs
and chop down the big tree!
456
00:17:28,798 --> 00:17:30,883
Yeah!
457
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,470
No! No, wait!
458
00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,562
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
459
00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:44,230
Your mother is killing me.
460
00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,983
Have I ever kissed a
woman? What is that about?
461
00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:48,734
Welcome to my world, Lemon.
462
00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:50,695
She's trying to break
your spirit. Why?
463
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:52,147
Because she's trying to prove
464
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:53,799
that your family is as
screwed up as mine is.
465
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,324
Well, that's ridiculous.
466
00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:57,618
Oh, Mitch found a newspaper.
467
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,328
Mitch, that's a joke newspaper!
468
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,330
What?
469
00:18:02,957 --> 00:18:05,376
Why can't you just
leave well enough alone?
470
00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:08,045
Because the lemons are
not what they appear to be.
471
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,339
I mean, I may be
heavy furniture,
472
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:12,508
but I did a pretty
good job raising you.
473
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,552
I mean, look at you
today and look at them.
474
00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:15,886
They look happy
475
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:17,178
they're in denial.
476
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,015
I mean, come on!
477
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,100
Now, dick, let me get...
478
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:24,395
Ah-ah, Jack! It's on me.
479
00:18:24,687 --> 00:18:27,189
Wouldn't be a Lemon
party without old dick.
480
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:30,860
Easy on the fried food, honey.
481
00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:32,672
Oh, come on, I can
eat whatever I want.
482
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:34,030
I'm a teenager.
483
00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:36,198
Mitch, don't you ever get tired
484
00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:37,718
of Liz getting all the attention
485
00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:39,827
her being the baby and all?
486
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,263
Oh, no, my folks make
a lot of time for me.
487
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:42,287
I mean, just yesterday
488
00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:44,665
we went to see
goonies together...
489
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,292
Uh-oh.
490
00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:48,353
You weren't supposed
to know that, Liz, sorry.
491
00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:50,671
Wait, you saw goonies yesterday?
492
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,591
Does he mean 1985 yesterday?
493
00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,509
Yeah, December 6, 1985.
494
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:57,237
I mean, what else would
I mean by yesterday?
495
00:18:57,261 --> 00:18:58,261
Duh!
496
00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:00,931
Well, that was the day
of my football game.
497
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:02,583
Did you not go to
my football game?
498
00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:07,730
We were a little
embarrassed, Liz.
499
00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:09,022
Dad, did you...
500
00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:10,316
It's white haven football,
501
00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:12,401
for god's sake, Elizabeth.
502
00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:15,237
It means something.
I wore that uniform.
503
00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:17,323
I was taking a stand for women.
504
00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:20,618
Are you taking a stand now
by not giving us grandkids?
505
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,620
Oh, you want
grandchildren, Margaret?
506
00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:24,389
Why don't you ever
bother Mitch about that?
507
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:26,082
Because he's 17!
508
00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:28,042
He's 40!
509
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:29,377
What?
510
00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:33,422
Oh, my god, the accident.
511
00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:34,882
I hit the tree.
512
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,174
No, don't remember.
513
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,718
Oh, I'm so old!
514
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,346
Thank you, Elizabeth Lemon.
515
00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:43,057
You are so
self-centered, young lady.
516
00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:44,058
You didn't even offer
to pay for this dinner.
517
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:46,394
I'm on a fixed income.
518
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:47,895
Could I have another drink?
519
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:51,190
Bingo.
520
00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:54,336
Stop stop! This is
not what I meant!
521
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:55,820
Yes, it is.
522
00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:57,632
We're sending a
message to all of those
523
00:19:57,738 --> 00:20:00,825
who have forgotten the
scruples of Christmas.
524
00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:02,618
'Cause in order to stay sane,
525
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:04,120
you have to go crazy!
526
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,545
I had a couple of drinks
before the meeting.
527
00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:15,673
Hold that, Kenneth.
This is a flask.
528
00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:18,926
So y'all probably
shouldn't be listening to me.
529
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:28,811
♪ Have yourself ♪
530
00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:31,021
♪ a merry little Christmas ♪
531
00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:37,111
♪ Make the yuletide gay ♪
532
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:44,160
♪ from now on our
troubles will be miles away ♪
533
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:47,872
♪ ♪
534
00:20:48,164 --> 00:20:53,169
♪ here we are as
in olden days... ♪
535
00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:55,671
Do you know why I
stay with you, dick?
536
00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:57,173
Yes, I do know.
537
00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,508
Because you have no
income of your own, that's why.
538
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:01,594
I could've been
drinking these for years!
539
00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:03,763
Explain to me again
how gay marriage
540
00:21:04,054 --> 00:21:06,140
is gonna tear
this country apart!
541
00:21:09,143 --> 00:21:10,311
Merry Christmas, mother.
542
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:13,481
Merry Christmas, Jackie.
543
00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,125
Tomorrow night I'm gonna
take you to a cathouse.
544
00:21:15,149 --> 00:21:16,150
I hate cats.
545
00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:17,985
You'll learn to love them.
546
00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:20,046
It was ridiculous to lie
to him that long anyway!
547
00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:21,906
My life is ruined!
548
00:21:27,411 --> 00:21:29,705
♪ ♪
549
00:21:29,997 --> 00:21:33,042
♪ imagine Christmas wishes ♪
550
00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:36,170
♪ shooting out of your eyes ♪
551
00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:39,340
♪ a candy cake full
of snow dreams ♪
552
00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:45,137
♪ a stocking full
of sm-i-i-i-iles ♪
553
00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:48,098
♪ it's a Jordan Christmas ♪
554
00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:50,267
♪ it's a Jordan Christmas ♪ ♪
38886
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