All language subtitles for 2_Englibnghjiash

Back in the '80s,
my brother, Barry,
loved imitating his heroes.

From whip-wielding adventurers
on-screen

to python-flexing
champions of the ring,

he couldn't help
but see himself

in their action-packed
exploits.

But there was one suave
super-spy who topped them all.

Bond. James Bond.

That's how
he introduces himself.

I love how even after
almost being murdered,

he's wildly flirty.

"Welcome, sir,
I'm Jenny Flex."

Her name is
kinda suggestive.

Yeah, good stuff.

You guys said
you'd eat some popcorn
if I got the big tub.

And now my delicate tummy
is upset with all of you.

We told you
not to get it.

It's only 50 cents more
for the rodeo barrel.

Wait. Adam hasn't
praised the movie yet.

Why aren't you
still clapping

and/or demanding
to see it again?

Yeah, it was neat.

"Neat" is
something you say

after uncomfortably
watching

your little brother'sperformance in The King and I.

How dare you?

One critic
said my performance
was so inappropriate

- he couldn't look away.
- Just say you loved it

so I can stop
being scared of
his furrowed brow.

Look, the fight on
the Eiffel Tower was fun,

but what villain
uses a blimp?

I think we can all agree

it's a bad choice
for a getaway vehicle.

Blimp technology
is in its infancy.

We don't know
what tomorrow will bring.

Hopefully an end
to this conversation.

Well, I spent
the whole time

lost in dreamboat
Roger Moore's
blue eyes.

He got my Aston Martin
a-revvin'.

Exactly.
Wait. What?

The only plot hole was
there weren't more women

jumping his British bones.

But he was so old.

Like over 50.

Maybe you didn't notice,

but he took
a lot of elevators
in this one.

Whatever Grandpa Bond's doing,
it's working.

Double oh, yeah.

Brea, how about you?

You hot
for the spy guy?

Mm, I prefer a softer man
who plays it safe.

Ouch, but also whoo-hoo!

Could Roger Moore
do this?
Secret agent kick!

My bucket!

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was January 5th,
1980-something,

and just like
she did at home,

my mom was
stopping by the store

to clean up after my dad.

- Aah!
- Aah!

Damn it, Mike.
You scared me.

Sorry. My night face
has been described as

both waxy and ashy.

Two words that seem to
fight each other,

but what are you
gonna do?

Why are you here?

I'm just working late
and fighting gingivitis.

- Are you living here?
- Fine.

I am temporarily
enjoying the perks

of owning 30 mattresses

because Fran and I
are separating.

Oh, my God.

But you're both
so young and vital.

Vital? You kidding?

Five years ago,
my doctor started saying,

"Eh, it is what it is."

What happened?
And I'm not just curious
for gossip purposes.

I don't know.
I guess Fran just got sick
of my general way.

That does have
a ring of truth to it.

Yeah,
but it's not all bad.

I mean, I got
top-of-the-line sleepers

as far as
the eye can see.

The commute is easy.

And, I mean,
what more can a man ask for?

Love? Companionship?
Connection?

Ooh, ramen night again.

Gotta tell ya, Bev,

the Japanese have
really mastered

the fine art
of microwave soup.

Arigato,
my Far Eastern friends.

Damn it, Mike.
Ditch the cardboard mush.

You're coming home with me
for a home-cooked meal.

Hey,
there's my work buddy.

What's this one
doing here?

Murray, that is no way
to greet a guest.

Guest? Like I don't
see this guy enough
between 10:00 and 3:00?

Those are your hours?

How do you support us?

Did you know he's been
sleeping at the store?

He mentioned it.
Something about
his life falling apart.

Do you even
listen to people
when they talk?

Fine, I'll ask.
What's your deal,
Pajama Jim?

Fran and I are taking
a little time apart.

- And now I know.
- Okay, can you guys take

your super strong friendship
somewhere else?

I'm trying to
write my vows here.

Vows? For what?

My wedding?

Wow, you guys really
don't talk.

And that's why we're
the fourth-highest-grossing

discount furniture store
in the township.

That doesn't seem great.

I'll tell you
what's not great,

marriage.

Here's a little notion
for your vows,

love is a sham.

Ignore him.
What have you got so far,
schmoopy-poo?

"Dear Geoff.
'G' is for 'good.'

"'E' is for 'even better.'

"'O' is for 'Oh, dang,
that's my fella.'"

- I'm gonna stop you.
- I'm gonna let you.

Got a little something
for your poem.

I buy Fran a beach house
in the hopes

that I might buy myself
some moments of silence.

But no.

The only thing
busier than her mouth
are my credit cards.

I'm gonna go
sit in a closet

where his sad, dead love
can't get me.

Hey, can I use
the john?

I haven't showered
in days.

I think I smell
of Entenmann's
and sadness.

Upstairs.
The only door
that doesn't lock.

Damn it, Murray.

You can't just let
their marriage end like this.

Oh, I can.

But more importantly,
so can you.

Too late.
I will repair
their broken marriage

and prove to Erica
that true love is forever.

Is this what it feels like
when I don't listen?

Because I'm okay with that.

Hey, I got all naked.
I couldn't find the towels.

Is that our bedspread?

Eh, it's somebody's.

I have a lot of work
ahead of me.

While my mom was determined
to save Mike's marriage,

Barry wanted me to help
celebrate his relationship.

Dang it.
One piece is missing.

Uh, we get the gist.

It's the green guy
from Ghostbusters.

That's Slimer.
He's pure ectoplasm,

and he's not
just a mascot,
he's a friend.

You know, sometimes
it's okay to just say,
"That's right, Brea."

- You're done with this.
- No!

Hey, it's your brother.

Enough small talk.
I have an emergency
announcement.

Joanne and I
have been dating
for a few months,

and I finally found her
the perfect gift.

The gift of me.

Barry. Barry Bond.

Nephew of James Bond

and worldly gentleman
super-spy

and insatiable
and acrobatic lover.

But those words
don't describe you.

If anything,
you're the opposite
of James Bond.

And you're the opposite of
the opposite of James Bond.

So...
James Bond?

Look,
I'm not here to discuss

how confusing
opposites can get,
Dave Kim.

I'm here to make great art.

I'll bite.
What are you gonna
force us to do?

The title is You Only Die
Once or Twice,
But Never Three Times?

Your parts are highlighted.

Brea, you are
the femme fatale.

Why am I wearing a bikini
in the Swiss Alps?

I justify it
on page seven.

You were born in
a Russian genetics lab

and you're half polar bear
from your father's side.

I'm Q and Moneypenny?

So much range.

Explosive gadgets
and secretarial work.

And I die in the first scene
by being filled with lead

then pulled apart
by giant magnets?

It's gruesome,
but necessary so I can
avenge your idiotic death.

This is lazy writing.

I refuse to change
a single word.

Why is everyone
mischievous?

The mischievous
manservant.

The mischievous
baccarat dealer.

The mischievous baby?

It heightens the tension,
Dave Kim.

Despite this
not fitting in with

my usual light-hearted
cinematic tastes,

I have always wanted
to dabble in the spy genre,

- so we're in.
- We are?

I'm part polar bear,
Adam.

But only if
I handle the rewrite.

Deal.

While my brother
was determined
to be the best Bond ever,

my mom was intent on
fixing Mike's marriage.

Hello,
Murray Goldberg.

Get out of
the papasan.

I most certainly will not
get out of the papasan.

I love the papasan.

It is
my papa-sanctuary.

Do not get involved
in Mike's marriage.

I have a plan.

See, the way to drive Mike
back into Franny's arms

is to show him
what he's been missing.

And how are you
gonna do that?

By getting him
to date a woman
far worse than Fran.

Beverly,

why did you ask to meet me in
this off-season haunted house?

This is my husband's
place of business.

Remind me what he does
for work again,

besides having to tell you
that he loves you.

Save that gold.

Oh, Mike,
you have a customer.

Hello, miss,
may I help you
find something?

Is there a door
closer than that one

to leave this
godforsaken place?

Mike, this is Jane.
Jane, Mike.

How do you... Don't touch me
with that hand.

You look like a man
who scratches everywhere.

Bevy, your friend
is very mean
and very attractive.

Hm, well, I don't see it,
but let's pretend yes.

Um, you know,
Mike has recently
become single.

Are you trying
to set us up?

Have you seen me?

I have the body
of a swimmer.

He has the body
of someone

they'd find face-down
in a river.

I'm mesmerized.

I have an idea.
Why don't
the two of you go

and discuss all of the things
you don't have in common

at China Garden.

Fine. But only because
you think you're some
great matchmaker.

I'll prove you wrong.

Oh, no, don't do that.

Shall we make
some mistakes?

And so,
it looked like my mom's plan

to drive Mike back
into his wife's arms

was gonna be a success.
Until it wasn't.

It was great!

There's my steady beau.

What?

I hate to admit it, Beverly,
but you did it.

Well, don't you
have some qualms?

Oh, all of them.

But despite
his unappealing nature
and shape,

he made it quite clear of
his enormous wealth,

so whee!

Oh, my.

What a unique pairing.

Stick this
in your vows...

Don't marry the first dummy
that comes along.

Wait for the second dummy
who's smoking hot.

And make sure the dummy's
ridiculously loaded.

All right,
I'm so happy for you.
Bye.

She wasn't.

Meanwhile,
Barry had finished his movie

and was ready to show Joanne
how good of a Bond
he could be.

You are gonna love
this surprise.

Ooh, I'm so excited.

But why didn't you just
blindfold me with a necktie?

I don't own one.
But I do own
two pirate's eyepatches.

Ta-da!

We're gonna
watch a movie?

Oh, not just any movie.

One made
especially for you.

And it was gonna be epic.

This summer,

get ready for Bond,
Barry Bond... 0014.

'Cause that's twice
as good as seven.

Time to die,
Mr. Bond.

The time to die is yours.

It has it all... Action.

Romance.

Style.

Underwater stuff.

And, of course,
the man himself.

Saving the world is easy.
What's hard is
looking this good doing it.

Coming this summer

and every summer after.

But her response,
not what he expected.

Oh, my God.

Thank you for this.

It was the perfect gift.

Ooh, underwater stuff.

- Yeah, underwater stuff.
- Ahh!

I should go freshen up.
I peed myself a little.

It had been a day since

Joanne's
underwhelming reaction
to Barry's Bond movie.

There's my Care Bear.

Who's excited
to go mini-golf?

You can be
your favorite,
red ball.

Eh, I'm not really in the mood
for tiny versions of anything.

Well, I'm a tiny version,
and you like me.

For sure.
I'mma go take a nap

in my childhood bedroom
where I feel safe.

Even though
the samurai sword
above my bed

would suggest otherwise.

Gee,
I wonder if he's upset.

I may know
what's going on.

I didn't exactly respond
to his Bond movie

- the way that he'd hoped.
- And how did you respond?

I laughed and laughed.

And then laughed
some more.

Why would you do that?

I thought
that it was a joke.

He wrestled
a rubber snake.

For nine minutes.

For some reason,
he demanded final cut.

Still, it's well established
Barry's a tad sensitive.

A tad?

I coughed
while he was talking,

and he accused me of
trying to ruin his story

about meeting a turtle.

Insanely sensitive.

But how could
he not be?

On one hand,
our dad constantly
calls him a moron.

On the other,
our mom endlessly

showers him
with undeserved praise.

It's not a parenting
success story.

But he will
get over it, right?

I don't know.
One time at the mall,

he lost
a game of peek-a-boo
to a baby,

and I had to
physically separate them.

Sounds like
he can't really
handle anything.

You're a quick study,
Joanne.

But I can give you
a few tricks

that I use to calm our
combustible little buddy.

We'll begin with
the three P's.

First up, praise.

So I just say
nice things to him?

- I do that already.
- No.

This is the kind of praise
that isn't applicable
to any human.

If it doesn't feel like
you're worshipping
a living god,

you're doing it wrong.

Stroke the bear.
Check.

There's gotta be so many
better ways to say that.

Next up, power.

Of course.

I have it all,
and he wants it.

Not at all.

Power as in athletic prowess
on the sports field.

So just let him win
at sports?

Well, it goes against
my dominant nature,
but okay.

For the third
and final "P"...

Pan-fried trout?
No, it's pan-fried chicken.

Oh, wait, is the "P" silent?
Is it Pterodactyl?

You don't have to guess.

You just have to
publicly humiliate yourself.

You lower yourself
to make him feel higher.

For the record, I don't think
any woman should ever

debase herself
to make a man feel better.

Well, that's why
you don't have
a boyfriend.

Thanks.

She took
the chalkboard.

While Joanne hoped
to help Barry save face,

my mom's plan
to fix Mike's marriage
had blown up in hers.

You will never guess
who I just saw during

my power walk/power sit
and eat Sbarro at the mall.

- Tip O'Neill?
- No.

- Mr. Belvedere?
- TV character.

- Quick Draw McGraw?
- Cartoon.

- Waldenbooks?
- That is a store.

It was Formica Mike
and Jane Bales.

He was sitting
on her lap.

I don't follow.

And I'm not asking for
a clarification.

I just refuse to follow.

He needs to dump her
and go back to his wife.

Have you ever thought
for a second

that it's a good thing
that Mike and Fran split?

Have you ever thought
for a second
that you don't know

what the
you're talking about?

Fran's...
A lot.

Why?

Because she's a strong,
confident woman
who speaks her mind?

You've seen it, too.

How dare you?

How could you
take my Mikey

and set him up
with another woman?

I don't understand.
He said you kicked him out.

Of course I did.
That's our thing.

Especially now that
the kids are
out of the house

and the seams
have been revealed.

We're hot,
then we're cold,

then we're sweaty
and disgusting.

It's called marriage.

I was just trying
to push him back to you.

By dangling Bo Derek
in front of him?

She's awful.

Men don't care
about awful.

I'm awful.

You need to fix this.

We may have hit a rut,
but he's my forever baby.

There may be
a way for me
to undo all of this.

We are gonna put you
on the arm
of a beautiful man.

And make Mikey jealous,
nice.

Say hello to physical
educationalist Coach Nick.

A circus strong man?
I don't know.

He's not really my type.

Well, it's not
about your type.

It's about who is gonna be
the most threatening to Mike.

He does fill out
those tiny shorts.

Those would be
full-blown pants
on a regular man.

One glance at
Coach Nick's beefy arms

will send Mike running
straight back into yours.

I love this plan.

As my mom was fixing up
another unlikely couple,

Joanne was trying to fix
her relationship with Barry,
starting with praise.

Hubba-hubba.
Look at my buff,
beautiful boy.

Did someone
replace my shirt
with a snugger version?

Pfft.
I wouldn't know,

but you are
the smartest person
God made.

Well, it doesn't matter
if I can't punch and kick.

But praise
didn't seem to work,

so it was time for
the second "P"... Power.

Hey.

Bet you can't
score on me.

Effortless challenge
accepted.

Great.

Oh. Oh.

Ah! Ah!

Oh, boom shakalaka.

You are clearly
an NBA All-Star.

Wait. These aren't
regulation nets.

There's a 9-year-old
over there windmill jamming.

And he has newer Jordans
than mine.

And when that didn't work,

Joanne had to resort
to the final "P"...

Public humiliation.

Whoa!

Well,
this is embarrassing.

But also hilarious.

Now you can laugh at me

and recognize that sometimes
things in life are funny.

I don't see why it's funny to
waste all that Hawaiian Punch.

Island people worked hard

to squeeze tropical sunshine
into every drop.

Seriously, Barry?
Come on.

You come on.

Why did you laugh at me
as James Bond?

Because it was hysterical.

But I was equal parts
dangerous and sexy.

You weren't, okay?

I love you so much
that I bent over backwards

to make you feel better.

So maybe the problem
isn't that I laughed

but that you're too insecure
to laugh at yourself.

Ugh.

While Joanne had hit
her breaking point with Barry,

my mom was still hoping
she could get Mike and Fran

to come together.

Beverly,
this puff is heavenly.

What's in it?

Oh, just butter,
lard, oil, flour,

cheese, bacon, more cheese,
and beef drippin's.

Beef drippin's?

That's what Mama used
to feed me as a baby.

Aww.

It's dark out,
there are people in my house,

and I don't like it.

It's called a mingle party,
Murray. So mingle.

And do I really
need to be here

for your little lesson on
the sanctity of marriage?

Yes. You're gonna
witness firsthand
how love always wins.

Can love win in the basement
with the TV on?

Bev, we need to talk.

Look, I know giant Coach Nick
is not your type

and shorts with a blazer
are not au courant,

but you got to trust me.

Mike is gonna come
crawling back in no time.

Forget dumb Mike.
I think it's love
with this Nick fella.

He wants
to take me places.

It's to run stairs
at the stadium,

but he's so intense
and demanding,

I think I want
to please him.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, tell me
you're planning on
fighting Coach Nick

to get your wife back.

Why would I do that?

Look at that guy.
He's a brick wall with eyes.

And I'll tell you something,
I'm relieved.

Because for a minute there,
I felt bad

about liking this horrible,
gorgeous woman.

Oh, I made him
sell his dog.

In fact, I would like
to propose a toast.

To Beverly.

She saw our broken home
and easily found it new love.

Mm.

Marriage is like
musical chairs.

They play the music until
you find the right chair.

And Jane is my chair.

Oh, we'll see
who's gonna be whose chair.

Well, I'm happy
for all of you.

Hey, what's going on?

Honestly,
I don't know.

I thought marriage was
supposed to last forever.

Aw, come on.

Erica knows
better than that.

I'm not worried
about Erica.

I'm worried about us.

Us?

Mike's lazy, Fran nags.

She speaks her mind,
he's a pill.

Their kids go off to college,
and immediately
they grow apart.

I mean,
I know it sounds crazy,

but are we
that different?

Bevy,
that's ridiculous.

Is it?

They thought the same thing
once, too.

After his most recent
interaction with Joanne,

Barry was left with
a burning question.

JTP and Adam.

JTP!
- And Adam, I guess.

Joanne has
brought something
to my attention

that has shaken me
to my rock-hard core.

Be honest.

Would you describe me
as sensitive?

I would describe you
as handsome and powerful.

Yeah.
Wanna tackle me?

Tackle me, too,
Big Tasty.

Always down for
a Barry tackle.

Damn it, it's true.

You're all just
triple "P"-ing me.

I saw the chalkboard.

Aw, why did Joanne
take it with her?

My closest friends
and family

don't even feel comfortable
being honest with me?

Bar, it's just...
You feel so deeply.

Plus, you're unstable,
irrational, volatile,

and oh, no,
what have I done?

See, we live in
constant fear

of how you'll react to
even the smallest criticism.

You're actually ripping up
my history paper as we speak.

Fine. I can be
a bit brash at times,

and you've all just been
okay with this?

It's been a difficult
two decades.

I have something called
trauma dandruff.

But we care about you
and want to protect you.

Even though sometimes
it's at our own expense.

We aren't honest with you
because it's easier.

But what Joanne did,
telling you the truth,

laughing in the face
of a wild-card lunatic,

that took guts.

Okay.

But from now on,
I'd rather have

a little dose of honesty
from you guys, too.

- Nope.
- Our system works.

- If it ain't broke.
- I'm going to college soon.

Hey.

I was hoping
you'd be here.

It really didn't seem that way
the past few days.

Sorry. I was jealous
of your relationship
with James Bond.

A fictional character,
but go on.

It also seems
I'm deeply insecure.

And even though
it hurts,

the good thing is
I know you'll always
tell me the truth.

Always.

Like if it was between
you and 007,

I'd pick you every time.

- Really?
- Really.

Why, Mr. Goldberg,

can I fix you something?

Coffee, tea, me?

Get over here.

Well, I just
finished my vows.

Want to take a look?

Did you mention
that marriage is

nothing but a silly farce
until you die?

Just read.

"I can't wait to be
your partner for life,

"your best friend,

"the person
you grow old with.

"Some people say
marriage is hard,

"but I know it won't be for me
because I'll be
married to you."

Erica,
this is so beautiful.

It's because
Dad helped me.

You helped her
with this?

Eh, the girl transcribed
some grunts.

So you're never
gonna leave me?

Bevy, we're not like
those other people.

You are my everything.

Just don't make a big deal
out of it.

I'm your everything!

Sometimes love
isn't perfect.

When you're with
the right person,

you learn to love them
not despite their flaws,

but because of them.

Okay, despite
my better judgment,
we're doing a sequel.

All right,
where's my Bond girl?

She's sitting this one out
for obvious reasons.

But I did find you
a new Bond girl

that I think you'll have
a real connection with.

What? Who?

Why, Mr. Bond, you look
surprised to see me.

Introducing Mommy Galore.

I'm a moon scientist.

No. I am not gonna wrestle on
the rim of a volcano with her.

But I have
a license to snuggy.

Here she goes.

- Ugh.
- He loves them.

She really is the greatest
villain of all time.

- Stop, stop. Cut.
- Fine!