Original subtitles

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- Oh! Cripes.

Sorry.

We have to circle round.

Approach the escalator from the east.

Remember what's at the top of that escalator?

Abercrombie. Where they breed them.

Okay...

We're gonna run to the brick wall,

and then we're gonna get on the escalator.

That's risky. We'll be trapped.

Hey, dudes, dudes, um,

what's our position on online matchmakers instead of the apps?

- Get over here. - Bitch, please.

My mother wants to sign me up. She's desperate.

Guys, can we please talk about this

when no one is trying to kill us?

Dating algorithms are basically meaningless.

There was a 2012 paper

published by Northwestern University

that basically eviscerates

- the very concept-- - Meta.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Are we ready?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Great. Let's go.

- Abort. Abort. - Oh, bad choice, bad choice.

Abort. Abort.

Take as many as you can with you.

- Gentlemen, it's been an honor.

Say hello to my little friend.

Oh, bugger.

Ugh.

Next time, we need more people.

That all you got, Dumbledork?

Come on.

Where are your Hobbitses now, Gandalf?

Dan?

Kip.

- Hey. - Hey.

- How's it going? - Oh, shit.

Is that the same Dan that ghosted you last week?

It doesn't matter.

Yes, it does. It's rude.

Okay, okay, you're right. I should have texted.

But get this, our second date, she asks,

"Outside of the Marvel Universe,

who could pick up Thor's hammer?"

I mean, come on.

Next date you go on with a guy,

maybe keep that weirdness tucked away a little bit better.

- You know? - Hey. You are dismissed.

Fine. Whatever.

- Come on, Zoe. - Data.

What?

Data from The Next Generation.

He could lift Thor's hammer.

Yes! Also, Ted Lasso, but he'd do it by accident.

- Please.

Two words: Superman.

And Betty White.

Neville Longbottom.

Ah.

Not worth it.

I feel sort of bad killing you now.

Oh, no, that's okay.

Death sounds pretty good right now.

All right then.

♪ Turn it up, turn it up Turn it up ♪

♪ Turn it up Turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Drink it up, shake it up To the sound ♪

♪ Shake it on down Break it on down ♪

♪ Turn it up and down If you want to ♪

♪ Turn it inside out If you need to ♪

♪ Turn it up, turn it up Turn it up ♪

♪ Turn it up Turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Break it down Listen to the bass, man ♪

♪ He don't say much ♪

♪ But when he does Give a listen ♪

♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Change it up So we don't get sued ♪

Yeah, buddy!

Thank you. Thank you.

But the real thanks goes to my family,

who never, ever learned how to knock.

- Hey, hey, do "Wonderwall."

Oh.

Here.

Thanks, Mom.

- Sweetie. - Okay, Mom...

You cannot keep doing these all-nighters.

I know, I know.

But you should have seen the numbers.

We doubled our users in the last month.

Well, then it's time to hire someone.

And it has to be from outside the family this time,

since Sarah's the only one that doesn't work for you yet.

Mom, I get it,

and I will...

I'll think about it.

Okay, well, it's...

It's not just you I'm worried about.

If you slip up,

the entire company is at risk.

I get it.

Okay. I'm going.

Thank you for the coffee.

Sure.

I got so tired of swiping left, left, left.

Those other apps are all based on looks.

Jones.

I created for you a bride.

And we shall give it life!

- His sense of humor.

Her plans and dreams.

When you answer the app questions,

you really think about who you are.

Your soulmate is out there.

I promise.

Hey, Jones.

Your grape is out there.

I promise.

My soulmate, however, apparently got lost.

Although, if he really is my soulmate,

his watch would be synced to the atomic clock.

Bye, Jones.

At least you didn't have to deal with dating apps,

where, I swear, every third photo

is some guy posing with a fish he just caught.

"I'd like to believe there was someone special

in your life once.

And I'll find someone too.

But maybe I'm just old-fashioned

and the world doesn't work like that anymore."

You're okay that I blog about you sometimes?

You'd tell me, right?

Oh. Check this out.

I made it for you.

I got to get my bus.

See you.

All I'm saying is,

guys figure there's something wrong with the other person,

While women assume there's something wrong with us.

No, I pretty much always assume that I'm the problem.

Yeah, well, in your case, you'd be right.

Hey, you know what'd be awkward?

If one of these guys

reads about himself on your blog.

I have, like, three readers,

and two of them are my mother.

Dude, I read it.

Don't read my blog, you creeper.

Then don't put it on the Internet.

Ugh, Marco alert. Banking in, port side.

Marco's a douche.

I can't believe they hired him instead of promoting you.

I can. They were never gonna promote me.

Why not?

Uh, women's intuition.

Years of watching men like Marco take credit for my work.

- There's a word for that. - Patriarchy?

I was thinking "dick," but sure.

- Interrupting? - No. What's up?

I need your help with the Gemco presentation.

Oh, you want me to run through the technical content?

No.

I've got all that covered.

Presentation itself is superb.

Are you sure?

It's pretty advanced.

I mean, the processing requirements alone--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you womansplaining this to me?

- Uh... - That's not very woke, Kip.

Am I right, guys?

Look, I just need you

to fix a virus on my laptop.

Must have been infected by a competitor

trying to sabotage us.

But we can't fix it here,

because I can't risk contaminating the network.

So I need you to fix it tonight from home.

I would do it myself, but I've got a date.

Ooh!

Okay?

Superb.

Well, I might have plans tonight too.

God, you're hilarious.

Boop!

Yeah.

Dickhead.

Stain.

Such a cretin.

- Hey.

Ready? Ready?

You ready? You ready?

But seriously, how are you still coding

all of I Promise by yourself?

Well, it's easy, I just, you know, survive on popcorn,

I sleep at my desk,

and my application for the monastery

just arrived in the mail, so, hey!

Honestly, volunteering here

is the only time I actually get outside.

Well, when you're hiring, you know how to find me.

Thank you.

Oh, I thanked you.

I know a porn virus when I see one, you sleaze.

Uh... yup!

Hmm. See?

I am superb, Jones.

And how about I put a little picture

of your gross search history

in the middle of your presentation, Marco?

How superb would I be then?

"I hope Mr. Lawn Chair Man talks..."

Oh, that's nice.

"Come to church with us.

There's so many nice men"?

God, Mom.

"Is your poppy floppy?"

Gross.

Hmm.

Hmm. What do you think, Jones?

Yeah.

That's a really bad idea.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Ugh.

Huh. "Would you share your toothbrush with your lover?"

Uh...

I know where his mouth has been.

- No.

"Are you a good dancer?" Seriously?

That's the second-most important thing to catalog?

"Have you ever had sex in public..."

Who are these people, Jones?

It's disgusting.

Hey, Jones, three no's. It's like a drinking game.

"Have you been to a bar this week?" No.

"Do you kill spiders rather than carry them outside?"

Never.

Number 14. "Your romantic partner is bitten by a zombie."

Head shot immediately.

"Would you rather vomit on your hero

or have your hero vomit on you?"

On me. On me.

Nude beach.

Sure.

"Have you, uh...

ever...

Have you ever been skinny...

skinny dipping?"

Question 500:

Who ended your last relationship?

Don't lie to me.

I hate you.

Congratulations.

Your matches will be sent

within 24 hours.

- What? - Where the hell are you?

Rideshare's on the way.

- Mom? - Yeah, it's your mom.

Marco's Gemco presentation starts in 20--

Correction, 19 minutes, and you have his laptop.

You're not his favorite person right now.

He's sniffing around your desk like a rabid skunk.

A driver's gonna be there in one minute.

Get down there now.

Where is she?

Yeah, yeah. She's always late on Tuesdays.

It's her day to babysit during morning Mass.

Bring it right over. I'll stall.

Yeah. No problem.

Make a hole!

Oh!

You are in control. Right?

You are a goddess.

He is nothing.

He's a pimple on the butt of a big baboon. Nothing.

Now I'm not just saying this

to blow smoke up your behinds,

but the new build truly is one of a kind.

So, once we incorporate the new code,

we will have the fastest product on the market.

And with that processing speed,

your ROI will be superb.

Get the lights.

He is so gonna write me up.

No. You were terrific in there.

Seriously, guys, I don't know how to thank you.

You can start by brushing your teeth.

- Damn, girl. - And you have keyboard scars.

Guys, really?

She's also got her T-shirt on back to front,

but she's still the best.

Good night, Kip.

Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions?

Yup. And Shirley's making tacos.

Ugh, you're living the dream, Meta.

I am. I am.

Oh, hey, Marco.

How'd the presentation go?

Superb!

No thanks to you.

Inside voice, Marco.

Inside voice.

Right.

No thanks to you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm superb.

Oh, really?

So your smut virus just healed itself, did it?

Great.

Oh.

Hmm.

No.

Okay.

A dog?

That's it right there.

That's the moment I had my epiphany.

Every time I get ghosted,

Meta says there's nothing wrong with me.

But it's pretty hard to maintain that position

when a whole-ass matchmaking site

rejects you as unmatchable.

There were always signs.

I mean, I played with Barbies.

I just accessorized differently.

Oh, my God.

You're so weird.

I had a sweet 16, like everyone else.

Mostly.

Thank you!

Who wants to play D?

I know I'm not a real woman.

My shoes don't hurt.

I like math.

I couldn't flirt if I tried.

And for me, dressing up means putting on mascara.

Everything in my life has told me that's not enough.

That I'm not enough.

But I guess I never really believed it before.

In their huge database,

there wasn't one guy who might like me?

Really? Not one?

Statistically, is that even possible?

"Read this blog."

I don't know how to fix this

without pretending to be someone I'm not.

Hmm. It's nice.

I feel seen.

And look, I have a good job.

A nice apartment. I take my own trash out.

I know how to use a plunger

and a comprehensive set of power tools.

Hell, yeah, we do.

I don't need a man.

It's just that maybe, every now and then,

I'd like to reach out and find someone there.

Reaching back.

I don't care what the I Promise people say.

There is someone out there for me.

For all of us unmatchables.

I promise.

Hey.

And don't you forget it.

- Whoa, whoa. Quiet down.

Wrong brother, Bonus.

All hair and grooming questions go to David and me.

Have I taught you nothing?

Dad told me why you call me that.

It's a term of endearment.

Everyone loves a surprise.

And the parentals wonder why you're still single.

She's doing my nails later.

Hmm. That's not all we're doing later.

Hey!

There we go.

A blog?

Who still blogs anymore?

Just read it.

This is unreal.

My blog has, like, 20 comments.

I usually have, like, two.

"Thanks, Kip, for speaking for me."

"I could have written this."

"I'm crying as I write this."

Oh, wow. It's up to 32 now.

Look.

Ruh-roh.

♪ Staying in again On a Saturday night ♪

♪ I'm gonna settle on the sofa And turn down the lights ♪

♪ I got 900 channels But there's nothing to see ♪

♪ No wonder everybody thinks They should be on TV ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ We all want to be famous ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ And be a face on the screen ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Read our name in the papers ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Everybody wants to be on TV ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ We all want ♪

♪ We want to be famous ♪

♪ We all want To be like James Dean ♪

So you believe

just because you couldn't find Mittens all night...

Yes, she was abducted by aliens.

And they brought her back.

- In time for breakfast. - Yeah.

Yeah, so there I was making bacon,

and she just came trotting in

like she hadn't been MIA all night.

She looks at me differently.

There's something in her eyes, she...

I can't explain-- You know what?

There's this thing on her butt I want to show you...

Oh, and we are done.

Thank you so much to this week's guests,

Kevin and Mittens.

Now, before I go,

I appreciate all of the comments

about the I Promise sitch.

If you're not following the shenanigans

of my soon-to-be-new-bestie Kip Parsons, you should be.

I'm gonna get her in here to spill more tea with me,

Annie Lee.

Check back soon.

Okay, you're getting tagged in this over and over.

This is huge.

Then what are you still doing here?

- Call her, get her in here. - Okay.

Don't look at me like that.

She's straight-up lying.

No one gets rejected.

I mean, I can't even find her in the system.

It doesn't matter.

Hashtag "unmatchable" is trending,

and lying or not, she has hit a nerve.

Oh, this couldn't happen at a worse time.

We have to handle this carefully.

There's nothing malicious in her blog.

This just doesn't feel like some massive corporate plot.

Dirk, call Frankie.

Tell her we're gonna need the office tomorrow.

- Perfect. - Whoa, whoa.

You know, just a radical idea here.

Maybe we should just invite her here

and, um, tell her the truth.

No, no, no, no. We need to impress her.

You mean scare her.

Riley, you hired us to make the tough decisions.

Now let us make them.

Yes, is this Kip Parsons?

This is Ivy Detamore,

chief legal counsel at I Promise.

They want to meet to clear up any "misunderstandings."

So, you go down there and you smack the shit

out of their lying asses.

I'm not good with confrontation.

You'll be fine.

You're like Saint Joan at the Siege of Orleans.

You know, you're not just fighting for yourself anymore.

That's right, you're fighting for all of us unmatchables, Kip.

Hey, you're her.

Hashtag "unmatchable." I love it.

Those ass-hats say they promise, look at what they do.

I literally cried reading that.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

Look at me.

You don't see anybody queuing up to date me?

Oh, well...

in the name of sisterhood,

could you give me a pass?

Get real.

They killed Joan, didn't they?

Burned her alive at the stake?

- Oh, God.

Yeah, it's not a perfect metaphor.

We need more people.

Have you seen the retweets?

She's like the digital Bachelorette.

I've been promoting it everywhere.

We need to get her in here.

I've left six messages.

Well, call her again. Be her friend.

She sure sounds like she needs one.

Raina?

This story could launch me.

And wherever I go, you'll be right there with me.

Now call her.

Wait, your motto is "I promise,"

and you told her she was unmatchable?

- It's Riley's fault. - No, uh-uh.

No, the code is perfect, thank you.

Well, you can end up in the crapper on this one.

She could sue you dry.

She would have to prove that she got rejected, which she can't do.

So without that, the most she can do is,

I don't know, complain about us.

Yeah, all over the Internet. Which never dies.

So why are you bringing her here?

To show her we're the good guys.

So in other words,

you want her to take the blog down.

Pretty much exactly.

You can leave that on, you know.

Nah, our market research says

that we're better positioned

if people think I'm straight and single.

We live in weird times.

Well, it's go time.

So, we get the call she's here.

From the lobby to here,

you charm her with your "I'm a sun god" shtick.

You take her down to the broker room.

Show her a couple of computers, right?

Ten minutes tops. She's out.

All right, I'm gone.

Careful she doesn't see you.

Um, it doesn't matter, remember?

She doesn't know who I am.

Still.

Mr. Detamore will be with you soon.

Help yourself to some water.

Oh, hey. What are you?

Huh.

Puffer fish, huh?

So is this your deflated state?

You are so sweet.

- Oh, I wouldn't do that... - Ah!

Oh, shit.

Uh...

- No! - No!

Should we grab him?

- Hell no. - Whoa.

- Are you gonna faint? - No. Are you?

I don't think so.

No!

- Okay, what do we do? - Uh, move the couch.

Okay.

Okay. Shh.

Go!

Oh, no. Oh!

- Ah! Oh, uh... - No.

That was amazing.

- You have such good reactions. - Oh, thank you.

- I hunt zombies, so... - Do you get medical with that?

Absolutely. We're a full union now.

Um, Kip Parsons?

There was a spider.

It was sizable.

I need a Band-Aid.

Oh, of course.

Right this way, please.

Wow, huh?

I mean, I know she almost killed you, but...

other than that... wow.

So, this is my office.

- Thanks for this. - Oh, yeah.

No, of course. Please.

Uh, have a seat.

Um...

Look, I never expected so many people to read my blog.

I'm as surprised as anyone.

Well, you put it on the Internet.

I put a lot of things on the Internet,

but no one ever reads them.

I guess...

I guess I was just angry.

I mean, unmatchable?

Here's the thing that's really curious about that.

I checked with Development,

and they assure me there's no code in the system

that rejects people.

So, are you sure you used I Promise?

Well, unless you have a doppelganger.

- I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, but if you got rejected, why hasn't anyone else?

Well, I don't know about anybody else.

I only know about me.

And besides, how would I know

that no one else been rejected?

Because you told me?

And if your code's so great,

then how come you haven't found love yet?

Look, I'm just trying to clear up any misunderstandings

- that we have. - I understand.

I just think you have a credibility issue.

Because I have no reason to lie and, well, you guys...

You do.

How about that tour?

Sure.

Great.

So, yeah, so this is it.

These are your programmers?

Sure, yeah.

Those guys? Them?

Uh, yeah. That's them.

Thank you for your time.

I hope we've resolved any old feelings.

And so you'll take down your blog?

Hey, man. That went well, huh?

I have no idea what just happened.

They say Google performs six billion searches a day,

but it only took me four to prove something.

I Promise is a pack of liars.

Score! Retweet that.

Already on it.

Ironic, since they just accused me

of lying about being rejected.

But that's what liars do, isn't it?

Go get 'em, Kip.

You know that slick building in the commercials?

That's home to a brokerage firm called Kaplan-Meyers.

Meyers, coincidentally,

is the maiden name of Dirk's mother.

Aren't search engines cool?

Hashtag "unmatchable."

It's not their building. They just use it to look cool.

They're lying about everything, and here's the fun part:

they didn't even get to know me before rejecting me.

If they had, they wouldn't have tried to pass off

a bunch of brokers as programmers.

Ties and headsets on programmers?

Not in this world, pal.

Represent, bruh.

- Oh, her.

Oh. - But the clincher

was a glass statue.

A huge honor, really.

Employee of the Year.

Lotus Corporation.

Only problem is,

as any self-respecting geek could tell you,

Lotus was bought by IBM in...

1995.

- '95. - Duh.

June 12, 1995, actually,

for 3.5 billion in a hostile take over.

I believe it was a Monday.

1995.

"I doubt Dirk D. Detamore was employee of the year at 8,

as gifted as he may be.

But that fourth search? Yep, Francesca Meyers.

Lotus Employee of the Year, 1992."

Please make it stop.

"So my question is, do you trust your love life

to someone who doesn't even bother to get to know you?

Me? I'll take my chances."

What?

"And while we're speculating,

I think Dirk is married.

But why hide it?

I'd rather know he found love

than to see underdressed models hanging on him in every ad."

I told you. She doesn't miss anything.

She's worse than Mom.

- Hush! - And she finishes with,

"P.S., against all laws of probability,

if the cute guy in the waiting room is reading,

I'd fish-wrangle again with you anytime."

Did she say "cute guy"?

Ow! What the actual hell?

I can't believe you hit on the chick

trying to ruin our company.

How was I supposed to know who she was?

- Oh!

Knock it off! Right now!

What is wrong with you?

We are going to lose everything that we have worked so hard for,

and all because this silly girl

thinks she has to express everything she feels.

You know, maybe a little legal action would calm her down, hmm?

You mean, sue her? For what?

Slander.

Libel, actually.

Oh, yeah.

I always get those backwards.

You got to be kidding me, right?

The Internet is the written word.

You can't just say whatever you want.

Well, yeah, you kind of can.

Okay, well, then you give us another solution.

Um, we bring her here and we tell her the truth.

Riley, no. That's a terrible idea.

Not when we're trying to expand.

And we can't risk having her write about it.

We'll sound like a mom-and-pop shop.

But we are a mom-and-pop--

This is a family business.

And since I'm in charge, no legal action.

Where are you going?

To improve my mental state.

- Come on, Sarah. - Okay.

Hey, Jones, what do you think about a dog?

Yeah, me too.

But maybe they're right.

Maybe I should go look, hmm?

- Get rid of it!

Get rid of it, get rid of it, before he eats your hand.

- Go get it! - Nice one!

- Fergus, come here. - Why can't we adopt Fergus?

- He's been here for, like, ever. - You know why, stinker.

What's Mom's one rule about me taking you here?

No stowaways.

Exactly. Fergus, come here.

- Come on. Come on. - All right, ready?

- Go get it. - Nice one.

Aw, good boy.

So, like, why can't I throw as far as you?

Um, maybe it has something to do with me being, like,

- super manly!

Hi! Are you looking to adopt a dog?

- Because Fergus needs a home. - Maybe. Yeah.

- Hey. - Hey.

Do you remember, um...

I'm not sure.

Something about you seems...

- Fishy? -"Dolphin-ately."

What does that mean?

I have a hermit crab.

- Cool. - Yeah. Named Jones.

He was my first pet.

So a dog just feels like this huge step

up the commitment ladder.

Yeah, I mean, well...

Uh, I guess I work from home,

so it's pretty easy.

Oh, I wish I could do that,

but my boss, he takes micromanagement

to a whole new level.

Oh, a nano-manager?

A pico-manager.

Hey, Riley, watch this.

One, two, three.

Oh, my gosh, that was amazing!

- She loves cartwheels.

Mm.

So are you, like, a cool dad

that lets his daughter call him by his first name?

- What?

No, no, no, I'm like a...

You know, a very cool much older brother

who is just happy when his sister calls him

by his actual name instead of one of the thousands

of kind of rude nicknames that she has for me, so...

Yeah, kids are brutal.

Yeah.

Hey, so...

super awkward transition.

Are you, uh, seeing anyone?

Like an apparition?

- Or like a therapist?

Or a boyfriend?

Uh...

Any. All.

No.

To all.

Kind of a disappointment.

If you saw ghosts, that would be cool.

So, uh, I don't know. Maybe we could...

We could, uh...

Sometime, we could...

- I don't know... - Bus!

Oh, uh, thanks.

Please adopt Fergus next time.

Yeah, I'll... I'll think about it, okay?

Um...

Bye!

Hey, what's wrong?

I just-- I...

I didn't get a chance to ask her out.

I know.

It's because you have zero game.

Now, you have to give it back to her.

Boom.

Who are you?

I'm your amazing sister. Period.

Do you know her socially?

What? It wouldn't be appropriate.

You heard it here first, folks. Channel 8 news.

This is Janine, signing--

What are you doing tonight, Janine?

Cut.

Hey.

Did Marco finally get arrested for felony-level assholery?

Not this time. They're here for you.

Oh.-Side door, LB's waiting.

Great, I lost my badge again.

She's just late.

She does soup kitchen stuff in the mornings.

As if!

- What a scrote.

And do you know Miss Parsons?

Oh, absolutely, I know her. She's like...

She's like my assistant.

His assistant? That's it, I'm killing him.

Wait, wait, wait, this is the best part.

Do you know her socially?

Of course not. We work together.

It wouldn't be appropriate.

- Ugh. - Right!

Like he hasn't tried to bone

every girl in the office.

Except, you know, you.

- Yeah, it's taken. - What, the whole thing?

- Yeah. - But there's a girl in there.

Yeah, I know.

Perhaps you should consider

holding a press conference.

No, no. Do a live AMA.

- All right, I... - What'd I say?

- I have to go! - Well, go to the fifth floor.

The fifth floo--?

I don't know how to set up an AMA.

I'll set it up. Tomorrow, 9:00 a.m.

In the conference room.

- Sure. - Okay, let's go.

Oh, you're still here.

- Thank God. - You're safe now.

I think we got most of them.

Just watch your back.

Good night.

Okay.

- Riley?

Kip. Hey.

Um, hey, you left this at the dog orphan--

The, um, the shelter.

Right. Thank you.

Yeah.

Oh.

Was that your bus?

- Yeah. - Oh.

Um...

Are you doing anything?

Like, right now?

So, we're really leaning heavily

- into the fish thing, huh?

It's the new VR aquarium.

I thought it was topical. Or tropical.

Oh, well, we got, uh, like two hours until they close.

- So... - That's a cool watch.

It's synced to the atomic, of course.

It's binary? For real?

Yeah, naturally.

Sharks are so cool.

They've been around since the dinosaurs.

Well, yeah, they basically haven't had to evolve

because they're, like, perfect creatures.

I know, even shark embryos can sense danger approaching,

and they stop moving.

I actually read this study

where a scientist followed a female shark

for, like, 20 years.

And they found that they returned

to where they were born...

- To give birth. - ...to give birth, yeah.

- I'm a geek. - Same here.

Yeah, I have, like, all these totally random,

useless facts floating around in my head,

and then half the time I can't even remember

it's my mom's birthday.

But that's boring. I'm boring. Tell me more about you.

Oh, no, I'm significantly more boring.

Well, I don't believe that at all.

I mean, for starters, you...

You wrangle fish.

Oh, that's true. Yeah.

It's a gift. A calling, really.

And, um, and you don't drive,

so you're, like, what, a greenie?

Not really. My car got stolen.

Oh, my God.

Do you think the police are gonna find it?

Probably not. It's been two years.

- Oh.

It's just a whole thing, getting a new car.

Well, I mean, it could be easy.

I actually have a CarMax app on my phone.

We can get you one right now.

They have all different colors of cars now.

You can get blue ones and red ones.

- You could do like a pink car. - Wow.

- Wow. - Yellow.

Wow, you know a lot of colors.

Yeah, well, it's like a hobby of mine.

It's just memorizing different color names.

- I have a weird hobby. - What's that?

I make templates for windup toys,

and then I upload them so people can print them

from their 3D printers.

That is so cool.

Thanks.

Oh, puffer fish.

Oh. There he is.

Fang's cousins.

You know, because...

Oh, that's--

Oh, I see. Yeah, no, that's--

Well, we should maybe...

- To commemorate. - Okay.

- To Fang. - To Fang.

Wow, this is a fancy car.

Yeah, it's my brother's.

It's a lot.

- Okay, controversial question. - Hmm?

Episodes Four, Five, Six. Luke or Han?

Luke or Han what?

Who's your dreamStar Wars guy?

Sweet, earnest Luke, or bad boy Han?

Oh. Neither.

What?

Neither Han nor Luke

is the perfect man in OG Star Wars.

That title undeniably belongs to Chewbacca.

- Don't laugh.

Okay, wait, so...

Sorry, big, hairy Chewie?

Oh, my goodness, yes.

You know, he's loyal.

Just turn up here.

Oh, okay. So big, hairy, loyal.

Which is why you're looking for a dog.

He's macho, but he's not afraid to show his feelings.

And he hates being away from the people that he loves.

Who just happen to be of the male persuasion.

- Which is fine... - No way.

- It's not a bad thing. - Chewie? No.

Chewie's totally straight.

Uh, just turn up there, and then it's another block up.

And the best part about Chewie?

He wears nothing except for that gun belt.

Oh, a gun belt. Now I know what I'm doing wrong.

Mm-hmm.

Who says you're doing anything wrong?

Oh, just, you know, when I go on dates,

uh, I just seem to always do something wrong.

Yeah. Me too.

My last date, I asked the guy who, outside the MCU,

could hold Thor's hammer.

Easy. Janet from The Good Place.

Oh, uh...

Oh, there she is. Miss Parsons!

Actually, no, Can you go around the back?

You need to go around the back.

What's going on?

Miss Parsons! Got it.

Is there something you're not telling me?

No! Uh, well, yes.

It's just... It's embarrassing.

Look, it was just a bad day involving my bad boss

and his bad habits.

I blended up some margaritas,

and before I knew it, I signed up for online dating.

Not the apps. Just that I Promise thing.

So you signed up drunk?

Yeah. But that's not the embarrassing part.

Oh, I mean...

- Just... - No.

The embarrassing part is that they rejected me.

Yeah. There I was going lower than I thought I'd ever go,

and then they said I was unmatchable, so...

And I got pissed off, so I wrote a blog about it.

And I didn't expect anybody to read it,

and then it kind of took off,

and now the company's calling me a liar.

It's just all gotten really ugly.

It was like they knew me and they still thought I sucked.

Well, I...

Yeah.

It's weird. It's fine.

I'm gonna do an AMA thing tomorrow.

and I'm gonna get everybody

to just stop talking about it.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

You think I'm whacked.

I think you're a little whacked.

And a little wonderful.

You're really a nice guy, you know that?

Even if you think Chewie plays for the home team.

I had lot of fun with you tonight.

Me too.

Crap. Uh, I got to go.

Anything?

I finally found her application,

but I haven't found any record that we actually replied to her.

I've been through this a hundred times.

I thought we auto-checked and sent replies to everyone.

We did, and I'm telling you, we...

We have no record of sending a response to her.

A match report, nothing.

Okay, but it's a computer, right?

So all the info is in there.

It's just a matter of pulling it out, right?

Thank you, Steve Jobs.

Riley, just tell us.

Is it possible she's telling the truth?

No.

No, I-I test everything, every change.

There is a very slim chance

that she didn't receive any response at all,

but there is no code in here to reject her or anyone.

No way.

Guess what?

I'm doing an online talk thing

Probably gonna tank, but I bought a new shirt

just in case.

What do we think? Hmm?

And I even put some eye gunk on.

Huh.

But the big news is I went on a date

with the fish cowboy.

I know. I know.

I really like him.

So...

All right, I gotta go.

Wish me luck.

Hey.

Oh, no one showed?

Yes.

Nobody cares.

As predicted.

What? What's so funny?

What don't I know?

It's because LB set up a waiting room.

- They're all in there. - How many people?

Five... hundred.

The maximum allowed.

Filled up over an hour ago.

No. Not doing it.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - I'm not doing it.

- I don't want to do it.

That's too much. I'm not doing it!

Breathe. You got this.

I don't know what I'm gonna say.

- Didn't you prepare something? - No, I didn't prepare something.

I didn't think that far ahead, mentally.

What's that black shit on your eyes, dude?

Shut up!

I can't do this alone.

Who says you're doing it alone?

Okay.

Okay.

- Let them in. - All right.

I'm good.

She has a posse?

For a girl who can't find a date,

she's got options.

They're her friends.

What? She told me about them.

Good morning.

Um, thank you for coming.

I'm sorry, I'm really nervous.

I didn't expect so many of you to show up.

But, um, as my friends say,

when you put something on the Internet,

you take your chances, right?

Um, I've had so many wonderful messages

from so many of you.

Uh, I wish that I could just match you all with one another.

But I came on here to say that, thank you,

but I would like all of this to stop now, okay?

Lots of hands up.

- What? - Lots of hands up.

Oh. Oh.

Okay, uh, yeah. I'll take-- I'll take some questions.

Kip, Annie, from "Spill the Tea with Annie Lee."

We would love to have you on the show to interview.

No. Please stop asking.

It would be so good for your blog's brand awareness, and--

Kip, what do you have to say

to all the other unmatchables out there?

Uh, I guess to ignore labels like that.

But have you given up on love?

No, um, I haven't.

Actually, uh, I met an amazing guy this week.

So maybe love can find anyone,

even us unmatchables.

Kip, I love your blog.

I'm definitely Team Unmatchable.

Can you tell us what I Promise said in the rejection email?

You know what? I'd rather not relive that particular moment.

Oh.

Kip, is online dating a scam?

Look, we are the online generation, right?

We work, and shop, watch movies,

and express ourselves creatively.

Some of us maybe a bit too much.

Uh, so I think that you can find love online,

I just think you might want to use a different company

than I Promise.

Go.

Kip Parsons?

- You've been served. - What?

It's a temporary restraining order

barring you from discussing I Promise or risk arrest.

What did you do?

Riley, you said it yourself.

Either she believes she was rejected,

or else she's a master liar.

In either case, she's a very troubled girl.

And this is how you thought you'd help her?

After I explicitly asked you not to?

She's gonna destroy our business if we don't stop her.

Dad ran the numbers, and it's not good.

Let me ask you something,

since we're talking about truth.

When was the last time we once,

just once told her the truth about who we are?

About who I am?

Those were business decisions.

Well, when did we become that kind of business, Dad?

No, you know what?

I started this company

because I was so tired

of working for shitty, sleazy people.

And now here I am, working with more--

Riley.

You're fired. You're all fired.

Hey, hey, Riley, come on.

No, I'm serious. You're fired. Go.

I mean it. Go.

Leave.

- Hey, Law Order girl. - Hmm?

- Did you check your code in yet? - Tomorrow.

I'm reading about temporary restraining orders.

Is this your first?

Yes.

Are they really gonna send me to jail?

Well, not if you avoid saying "I Promise."

Which you could do by staying in your cube and working.

Hey, dude, dude. You got to get on Twitter.

If I wanted to listen to people yell, I'd go visit my parents.

Look, look, look.

Some guy named Michael Rex made a fan account for you.

Look, it has 92,000 followers already.

Michael Rex?

Oh, I dated this guy in college for, like, five minutes.

You better hope he doesn't have any indiscreet pictures of you.

- Ooh, does he? - No! Jeez.

Are any of those important?

No, it's just guys asking me for dates.

And they all send pictures.

Any decent ones?

You tell me.

- Oh! - The hell's wrong with you?

You cannot show us some dude's tackle without warning.

Oh, really? That's the sound of every woman on the Internet

rolling her eyes.

Seriously, Kip, you gotta delete those.

You can't have pictures like that on your work computer.

Oi, oi. Pictures like what?

Nothing.

Are they naughty ones?

Ugh.

Are your 15 minutes up yet?

Marco, I never intended--

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You're not a victim.

You set this into motion,

and you kept it up at every turn.

I don't know if you're doing it to spite me,

or you just want attention.

I give up, Marco.

How is this possibly about you?

It is about me,

because we're releasing tomorrow,

and you still haven't checked in your code for the build.

And that, sweetheart,

has everything to do with me and my department.

You're right.

I'm gonna work all night. I'll get it done.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Oh, I am taking you to dinner?

Ugh, 404. I have a deadline.

Come on, it'll be fast.

We can go get sushi.

You're over-embracing this fish theme a little bit.

Please come out with me. I just...

I'd love to talk to you,

and I'll bring you right back.

We'll get takeout, and then... yeah.

Okay.

Crap. You're married?

- No. - Gay?

Ryan Reynolds confuses me, but no.

Convicted felon?

Not convicted.

Oh, this is a friend-zoning session, isn't it?

No. No, absolutely not.

Listen, just hear me out, okay?

Two years ago,

I quit my awful job working with awful people

because I wanted to start my own company.

And when I left my awful job,

I told myself that from here on out,

I only wanted to work with people

who were super talented,

but also ethical people, right?

So I hired my mom and dad.

And I hired my brother and his husband.

And it was great.

But then today, I-I realized we've become a company

that I hate.

And, um...

I fired everyone.

Whoa.

And the reason I'm telling you this is because...

- Oh, my God.

Hold on one second. I'm sorry.

Hey, look, I don't want to talk about it.

Which hospital?

Okay, I'm on my way.

Is everything okay?

Um, no.

Um, you can take the car to get home.

No, it's okay. I take the bus all the time.

Don't worry about it. Get in there.

Oh, Riley. Riley.

Riley?

Riley.

The good news is that she didn't have a stroke.

- They're still running tests-- - Riley.

What the hell is she doing here?

- Dad, she doesn't know. - Hey, you dropped your phone.

Thanks. Um...

I think you need to leave.

You know what? Don't worry.

I'll-I'll-I'll just, uh...

- I'll explain it to you later. - Okay.

I'll...

- I'll call you soon. - Sure.

What are you doing here?

How's Mom?

Mom?

- Kip, I can explain. - Mom?

- Oh, no. - Kip, no, let me explain.

- This is... - Oh, I'm so stupid.

- No, no. - I'm so stupid.

Kip!

♪ I'll be always falling ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Only to rise And fall again ♪

Kip. Hi.

I'm Raina from...

Spilling the Tea with Annie Lee.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Are you my stalker now?

Look, she's doing a show tomorrow...

Actually, today.

...and she is desperate to have you on.

I have a restraining order against me right now,

which is a sentence I never thought I would say in my life.

But the result is, I will not be spilling any tea.

Okay, but you don't have to mention I Promise.

Just... just talk about the challenges of finding love

as a woman in this digital age.

Raina, I'm not good at this stuff.

I get really wound up,

and then I just say things I don't want to,

and I get into a situation I don't want to be in.

Yeah, and that's why people love you.

Kip, you speak so many people's truths.

They're listening. You should use your voice.

Are those Croc earrings?

Yeah. I love Crocs.

Don't tell my boss. She would kill me.

Okay, I'll make a deal.

I have a friend. His name is Sanjay.

He is a really sweet guy with a good heart.

You go for a coffee with him, I'll do your show.

- Just coffee? - Just coffee.

And if I check offender databases?

Oh, my God, no. Not there. I swear.

Deal?

Okay. Yes.

- Yes. Deal. - Great.

Go home.

- Hey, Kip? - Yes?

What happened to that nice guy you met?

Uh...

turned out he wasn't that nice.

Come on.

Come on.

You know, Jones, in retrospect,

this has been the crappiest day of my life.

But I know what you're thinking.

"Suck it up, Kipper,

and get me a grape."

Jones?

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

No.

Jones.

I can't believe you're not going to fight this.

I missed the deadline.

We all miss deadlines.

There were naked guys on my computer.

We all have naked guys on our computers.

Look, my Internet presence was becoming disruptive.

Come on, guys, this was inevitable.

Marco read some management book

about getting rid of the competition,

and I just gave him a way to do it.

Because firing our favorite lead

is the best way to rally the team.

Hey, Kip, you know, I'm old enough

to have been there for "fight the power"

and "stick it to the man."

Are you sure about doing this show?

You know, you talk about wanting this all to be over,

and then you turn around and poke the bear again.

Well, Meta, I made a promise,

and there's nothing else left to lose.

Look at me.

There's always more to lose.

Always.

Be nice to the replacement, okay?

And clean your desk from time to time,

- for everyone's sake. - I will.

A woman named Raina will text you.

Go out with her. Please wear matching socks.

I'm gonna miss you most of all, Scarecrow.

Ah, you'll be back. You'll see.

So I'm just gonna say, uh,

"See you later, kiddo."

I got fired,

so I won't be able to see you every morning anymore.

Okay then.

It's been really nice chatting to you for all these years.

I mean, I'm gonna come by when I can,

it just won't be every morning.

You know, right now would be a really good time

for, like, a Yoda moment.

Or some advice?

Anything?

Cool.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.

Now, I know you're upset about me letting Kip go,

but I'm still your boss.

Giving me the Gandhi treatment ain't a power move here.

I can fire you all.

You know, as soon as the next release is out.

And, and, and you train your replacements.

Guys?

Guys?

Guys, look, this is just childish.

Well, uh, it's good we had this talk.

So... yeah.

Yeah, get back to work.

And you too.

Is calling me Gandhi racist?

I like how he said he let her go,

like she was trapped and he released her into the wild.

You fired her, you bearded fruit bat!

Hey, your car got a big trunk, right?

Um, ahem, hello.

Uh, is-- Is Kip Parsons here?

Nope. Not since they fired her.

She got fired?

Who are you?

My name's Riley Detamore.

I'm... Well, I guess I'm kind of a friend...

Uh, nice chicken.

That's Grimaldi QR model?

We love meeting couples who have found love,

but remember, not everyone gets a happy ending.

- Stop fidgeting. - Our next guest...

You look beautiful.

I feel awkward.

Graceful.

Dorky.

- Like a gazelle. - Hmm.

Just remember, you're live. Watch what you're saying.

Got it.

Please welcome my special guest, Kip Parsons.

Oh, wait. Any bats in the cave?

All clear.

Thanks to Wild Mountain Chai for providing us with our tea today.

You can taste the mountain air in every sip.

Oh, and please don't forget to subscribe.

Kip, it's lovely

to finally put a face to your name.

- Many of us unmatchables... - She almost looks like a...

...feel like we know you already.

...like a girl.

How has this all been for you?

She looks beautiful.

Shut up.

- Guys, grow up. - I bet.

You've gone from lowly computer programmer

to woman's spokesperson in a week.

Of course, as you know, the dating service...

Which I cannot name.

...because they're taking legal action against you...

Okay, you are ready to go, but we have some things to go over.

I'm sure you've heard the rumors.

You can't actually prove

that the dating service rejected you.

Uh, I could.

But why should I have to?

Well, see, you keep dodging the question,

and that makes me question

whether it really happened,

or whether this is a publicity stunt.

Publicity for what?

I'm-I'm...

I'm just a normal person.

I'm not trying to sell anything.

But why would I Promise come after you

unless they knew you couldn't back up your claims?

You know why, Annie?

Big guys taking on the one person telling the truth.

It happens every day,

and it's so easy to hide behind lawyers,

and getting other people to do your dirty work.

I'm standing here, alone, talking about my experiences,

and I'm the one going to court.

And she's off.

I mean, Dirk didn't serve me those papers.

He knew where I was. And his brother Riley,

he definitely knew.

But they were too afraid

to man up and face me.

You know what? Just once, Annie, just once,

I would like to see someone from that company say,

"Hey, we made a mistake. We're sorry."

But they will never do that.

Because that's not the kind of people they are,

and it's not the kind of company I Promise is.

No. Stop!

Kip Parsons...

you're under arrest for violating a restraining order.

Oh, no.

Did you know about this?

No, I...

I...

I don't know what to say.

I...

We're gonna end it here for us today,

and I will report back once I get to the bottom of this.

Wait.- [Annie] I'm Annie Lee.

Aren't you supposed to explain

the discharge plan to me?

Figure it out yourself. It's not that hard.

I promise.

Oh, my God, Annie.

Where did the cops come from? I-I didn't let them in.

I'm so sorry.

They were in my back room the whole time.

Wait, you set this all up?

I knew she wouldn't be able to keep her mouth shut.

I was counting on it.

Now I'm gonna go watch my view count go up.

Y'all have fun now.

- I need to talk to her. - Yeah, well,

only a lawyer can get in to talk to her now.

Maybe it's time she got a lawyer.

Funeral home's two doors down.

Uh, we're actually Kip Parsons' attorneys.

Firm?

Dorkus...

Knapsack...

Ruffles...

and Crocs.

That's good.

You know, I call my ex "the appendix."

He caused me a lot of pain,

gave me a few scars,

but once he was gone,

I figured out I didn't need him anyway.

Okay, okay, I have one.

straight or gay?

Straight.

- Yes. - Oh, man!

- And that gun belt?

- Come on, now. - Damn.

That's what I said!

Kip Parsons?

- Yeah? - Your lawyer's here.

What? I don't have a lawyer.

Well, now you got a whole firm.

Oh, my God, guys!

This has been crazy.

So, what's the plan?

- Meta... - It's gonna be okay.

We'll, uh...

We'll wait outside.

Kip, we gotta get you out of here.

Well, you put me in here.

No, it...

It was my parents. It wasn't me.

And that's because they were scared

and they didn't know you.

Oh, okay. And you do?

You're just like me.

- Kip, you got to believe me. - Why?

Riley, you lied to me. Over and over.

What I told you was true.

Okay, I used to work for this super sleazy dating app company,

and I left to start my own

because I wanted to build something with integrity.

So I coded everything, you know, from the ground up.

And that's how I know that you didn't get rejected.

And it's okay that you made that up.

I didn't make it up!

I didn't make it up.

And if you think I made it up,

then you don't know me at all.

- Kip, I-- - I should have gotten the dog.

He would have been more trustworthy.

Uh, there's been a mistake.

They're not on my side, so...

You fired them all?

- I fired them all.

You think they'll be at the hearing tomorrow?

Yeah. Probably. Oh, hey.

Oh, all right. Have fun.

You should have gotten a smaller dog.

Yeah.

Remember when that used to be

your standard placeholder error message?

Stack overflow.

Get a dog.

Null pointer exception?

"Get a dog."

Holy shit balls.

What?

Come on, I need your help.

Excuse me.

All rise.

The Honorable Judge Wilks presiding.

Be seated.

Well, I've got to be honest.

You know, I've been sitting up here a long time,

and I don't believe I have ever been quite this popular before.

Sir?

You ordering a pizza, sir?

I'll call you back.

Your Honor, we would like to respectfully...

Settle down. I know why we're here.

I read every little piece of paper that you gave me.

Miss Parsons?

Yes, sir?

Sit down, please.

I'm thinking I should probably explain how this all works,

as it appears that your counsel

may not be the finest this city has to offer.

Temporary restraining orders

are issued ex parte,

which basically means anyone can get one.

As for the other party-- You, in this case.

doesn't have much of a say.

But today is your chance to convince me

that this restraining order shouldn't be made permanent.

Whereas the folks over there are gonna try to convince me

that they should.

Now I've read all they had to say.

It sure sounds like you've been mouthing off a bit.

Yeah.

I do that now.

I used to be nicer.

Sorry.

Well, why don't you just scoot yourself up here

and tell me all about it?

Okay.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

- I do. - Be seated.

Miss Parsons, you signed up with an online matchmaker.

Yes, sir.

And in their advertising, this dating service implied

they can find at least one man to go to dinner with you.

- Correct? - Well, they did more than imply.

Their company name is literally "I Promise,"

and their slogan is...

Yes, sorry, sir.

Well, I think we all agree so far.

But here's where our paths diverge.

You say they rejected you.

But you have no proof.

And yet, you're still talking about it,

despite the restraining order.

How was your night in our fine facility?

Not my best, Your Honor.

Your Honor, we did not ask the police

to arrest Miss Parsons,

and regret that she had to spend the night in jail.

It's hard to imagine

who else would have a vested interest

in seeing Miss Parsons go through that ordeal.

I know who.

Sit your ass down.

And what is your name, young lady?

Raina Suryanarayama.

And your role in this twisted little drama is?

Well, I was Annie Lee's assistant...

until yesterday, when I quit.

She was the one who had the police on standby

because she wanted Kip to be arrested live.

And which one of you is Annie?

It's all about the followers, sir.

Bailiff, please escort Miss Lee from my courtroom.

On what grounds?

Well on the grounds that just you piss me off.

Bye-bye now.

♪ Ooh, ooh-hoo ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Miss Parsons, if we knew what the message said,

then the folks at I Promise say they would be happy to prove

that there's no rejection message like that

in the system.

But since you can't tell me what the message said...

I can tell you exactly what the message said.

I thought you said you deleted it.

I'll remember that message

until the day I die.

Well, let's hear it, please.

It's just really embarrassing.

Miss Parsons?

I'm gonna have to rule against you.

Look, Your Honor,

I didn't do anything wrong here.

And this is just often what happens with women.

You know, everyone calls me a liar

because I told the truth.

I don't know what you...

I am sorry.

But I'm gonna have to ask you

to be honest just one last time.

"Unmatchable.

You're a nerd and a loser.

No one will ever find you attractive.

Take our advice.

Give up on love and get a dog so you don't die alone."

Damn.

Wait...

I Promise would like to drop

the restraining order, Your Honor.

Miss Parsons is telling the truth.

And you are?

Uh, I'm Riley Detamore.

I programmed the I Promise system.

And the...

The message is real, Your Honor.

Oh, no.

- Keep talking. - Well,

when I initially coded the I Promise system,

I-I used myself as a test subject.

That message, Kip...

it was meant for me.

I guess I just...

I forgot to delete the code.

And I didn't think of it

until Dennis reminded me

that the initial test response was, "Get a dog."

And then I thought about us, and-- And Fergus.

And I realized why you were trying to get a dog

in the first place.

The reason why that message never triggered is because...

no one ever signed up that was like me.

You know...

weird, I guess.

Like me.

Until now.

Riley...

I'm so sorry, Kip.

You were telling the truth the whole time, and I...

I didn't believe you.

Can you please forgive me?

No.

Miss Parsons...

Kip...

I'm the one who escalated this.

Not Riley.

Please don't hold a grudge against my son.

I'm not holding a grudge, Miss Detamore.

I'm trying to set a boundary.

You really hurt me.

So why would I give you a chance to do it again?

As much as I would like to see what happens next,

my job is to keep this room moving.

So if no one has anything else...

I'm gay!

And I'm married to David.

What?

Oh, come on. How could you not know?

I went back in the closet because I thought it would hurt

my brother's business

to have a gay, married spokesman.

But Kip's right.

Truth matters.

And that's all.

I'm so proud of you.

Well, thanks for that, my friend.

You have my sincere hope that no one cares.

Anyone else like to share?

No?

Okay.

If there are no further objections,

I am declaring the order void.

Sorry, Jones.

You were the best roommate ever.

Kip, come on. Please open up.

- Go away.

Kip? Are you okay?

- Open the door!

My crab, he's immortal.

Oh. What?

Jones died, but now he's in there.

Well, was he just lying there, like, out of his shell?

And did he just molt?

Oh. I guess so.

He's never done that before. I thought he was dead.

See, he can't grow in his old skin,

so he has to shed it.

Actually, fun fact about hermit crabs--

I'm doing that nerd thing again.

I'll stop.

Jones, uh, I am so proud of you.

That must have hurt like a bitch.

You just do your thing in there,

and I'm gonna get you something special,

like a real pineapple.

Okay, you can leave now.

Question 82.

Question 82 on the I Promise questionnaire.

"What's one thing that you will always regret?"

You know, I felt a little weird writing that question

because I didn't have an answer for it.

I mean, I should floss more, but...

Anyway...

just...

now I'll have something I regret for the rest of my life.

Also, the Immortal Crabs is the name of my new calypso band.

And I haven't seen him since.

I'm not mad anymore. I'm just...

I don't know. I did all of that for nothing.

I lost my job.

My dignity.

My privacy.

And for what?

I've spent my life feeling like no one really gets me.

Like I'm not enough.

But with Riley...

With Riley, I felt enough.

Then he's the one.

Hi.

You're enough, Kip.

The real question is...

Is he?

I guess I got to stop tucking away my weirdness, huh?

Yes.

See if he can keep up.

Can we talk?

Let's go. Come on.

Come on.

- Hey. - Hey.

Oh, my God! Is this Fergus?

Yeah. Someone--

I can't remember who.

suggested that I get a dog.

Too soon?

Kip.

So, this is it. Corporate headquarters.

Also known as my house.

If you'll excuse us, we have that appointment.

Right. We have to see that guy.

- What guy? - Uh, about that thing.

Ahem.

Bye, guys.

Oh, they're not very good at pretending

that they have other things to do.

I feel-- I mean, I'm embar-- I'm embar--

Oh, dear.

Yeah, uh...

Okay, now I'm really embarrassed.

Uh, Mom, I think that's...

Yeah, so, Mom, I think now is probably a good time to...

- Um... - Oh, I-I-I'm going.

- I'm going. - Okay.

Can I show you my office? It's kind of cool.

- Sure. - All right, I'll show you.

So I took my own advice and got a dog.

That's Odin.

You asked me here to talk,

so talk.

Um...

Kip, I-I didn't...

Kip, that message wasn't meant for you.

I would never say anything like that to you,

or anyone else.

But you did.

You said it about yourself, and that's not okay.

[chuckles lightly

We hospitalized my mom.

Yeah.

We traumatized an innocent fish.

Mm-hmm. I got fired.

I destroyed my company.

I got both served and arrested live on the Internet.

We have a terrible record.

We're a dumpster fire.

But if there's any way that we can...

In the end, I Promise did match me with my perfect man.

The man I adore.

After the trial, Raina and Sanjay got coffee together.

Then dinner.

Then breakfast.

I Promise did survive,

and eventually Riley rehired his family.

Of course, under the condition they will never send

another client to jail,

and that I Promise brand wasn't skyscrapers

and supermodels,

but helping people find a home.

A family.

However they define it.

Riley also hired his friend Dennis.

And Raina, who has them all next-level organized.

It didn't take long for my CEO to realize

who was actually doing all the work Marco took credit for.

Soon after, Marco himself was released back into the wild.

They offered me his position.

I accepted,

as long as they paid me exactly one dollar more

than he made.

Riley became an important member

of our zombie strike team.

And a few more members joined too.

Business boomed after Dirk made several TV appearances.

Apparently not that many people come out, go back in,

then come out again in a courtroom.

Love is love,

and we all need help finding it.

"With that in mind, please listen to these words.

From one unmatchable to another.

Don't tuck away your weirdness for anyone.

Someone is out there, waiting for you.

And they will love you,

not in spite of how you really are,

but because of it."

I promise.

♪ I see it in your eyes ♪

♪ It's where forever starts ♪

♪ Your love is like the sky ♪

♪ So wide and deep And near and far ♪

♪ I want to be close to you ♪

♪ And feel my feet Rising off the ground ♪

♪ I'm gonna hold on to you ♪

♪ Hand in hand Here we go again ♪

♪ 'Cause you take me higher ♪

♪ 'Cause you take me higher ♪

♪ And I won't let go 'Cause the world is ours ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ I see it in your smile ♪

♪ It's where forever starts ♪

♪ Your love is like a fire ♪

♪ Burning wide and deep And near and far ♪

♪ I want to be close to you ♪

♪ And feel my feet Rising off the ground ♪

♪ I'm gonna hold on to you ♪

♪ Hand in hand Here we go again ♪

♪ 'Cause you take me higher ♪

♪ 'Cause you take me higher ♪

♪ 'Cause you take me higher ♪

♪ 'Cause you take me higher ♪

♪ And I won't let go 'Cause the world is ours ♪

♪ Tonight ♪