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1
00:00:03,515 --> 00:00:05,106
I like being a familiar.
2
00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:07,187
It's a very satisfying job.
3
00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:10,523
Well, actually, calling it a
job would imply that it pays.
4
00:00:10,673 --> 00:00:13,171
So it's more of a vocation.
5
00:00:13,601 --> 00:00:15,719
Less glamorous than I imagined.
6
00:00:18,696 --> 00:00:20,731
I thought by now I'd be like Armand,
7
00:00:20,756 --> 00:00:22,938
but sometimes I feel like
8
00:00:22,963 --> 00:00:25,053
I'm halfway turning into a Renfield.
9
00:00:28,351 --> 00:00:30,578
I think the worst part for
me is the loneliness.
10
00:00:30,690 --> 00:00:33,693
I'm awake when my
master's asleep, and...
11
00:00:33,922 --> 00:00:35,561
the house gets quiet
12
00:00:35,671 --> 00:00:37,554
and it's lonely, but I'm also awake
13
00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:38,937
when he's awake.
14
00:00:39,648 --> 00:00:41,675
I'm always awake.
15
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:43,609
You know, sometimes I wonder
what my life would be like
16
00:00:43,634 --> 00:00:45,644
if I was still at Panera Bread.
17
00:00:46,523 --> 00:00:47,996
I'd probably be manager.
18
00:00:48,179 --> 00:00:50,526
I'd get to boss other
people around for a change,
19
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,773
sleeping, health insurance,
20
00:00:52,798 --> 00:00:54,960
friends...
21
00:00:55,210 --> 00:00:56,590
getting paid,
22
00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:59,827
all the Panera Bread you can eat.
23
00:01:00,359 --> 00:01:01,529
But you know what they say:
24
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,851
the heart wants what the heart wants.
25
00:01:33,195 --> 00:01:38,515
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -
26
00:01:49,403 --> 00:01:51,146
Good evening, Guillermo.
27
00:01:51,171 --> 00:01:53,036
Good evening, Master. I
have an envelope for you.
28
00:01:53,061 --> 00:01:55,747
Okay, pop it in the coffin. Thank you.
29
00:01:55,942 --> 00:01:58,349
Uh, just... pop it in there.
30
00:01:58,374 --> 00:02:00,396
That's... that's...
31
00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:02,536
Is it in yet?
32
00:02:04,489 --> 00:02:07,575
I can't read it. It's too dark in here.
33
00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:10,449
Is it another summons for jury duty?
34
00:02:10,474 --> 00:02:11,864
Just tell them I'm dead.
35
00:02:11,889 --> 00:02:13,471
Oh, no. It's something very cool.
36
00:02:13,496 --> 00:02:14,997
I had your DNA tested.
37
00:02:15,063 --> 00:02:16,599
A lab tested it.
38
00:02:19,692 --> 00:02:21,972
How did they get the DNA?
39
00:02:21,997 --> 00:02:23,975
Did they steal my semen?
40
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:25,005
What? No.
41
00:02:25,030 --> 00:02:27,444
I won't have my semen stolen again.
42
00:02:27,469 --> 00:02:28,513
No, I don't, I don't...
43
00:02:28,538 --> 00:02:30,076
No, I don't even know
what that story is.
44
00:02:30,101 --> 00:02:31,870
No, this is all very scientific.
45
00:02:32,296 --> 00:02:33,882
Huh. Okay.
46
00:02:34,014 --> 00:02:35,630
Well, the story is
47
00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:39,427
some witches decided to steal my semen
48
00:02:39,452 --> 00:02:42,411
and put it into a semen spell.
49
00:02:42,709 --> 00:02:46,536
But it didn't even work, and
then they got semen everywhere.
50
00:02:46,966 --> 00:02:49,817
But this seems much
more aboveboard, so...
51
00:02:49,842 --> 00:02:51,848
This just uses science to find out
52
00:02:51,873 --> 00:02:53,505
where your ancestors came from.
53
00:02:53,530 --> 00:02:56,372
It could also be used to see if
you have any living relatives.
54
00:02:56,563 --> 00:02:58,661
Living relatives?
55
00:02:58,686 --> 00:03:00,223
♪ Dun, da-da, da. ♪
56
00:03:00,434 --> 00:03:02,050
Here's yours.
57
00:03:02,075 --> 00:03:03,927
You have...
58
00:03:04,909 --> 00:03:06,372
Oh, wow.
59
00:03:06,397 --> 00:03:08,216
- What?
- You have...
60
00:03:08,241 --> 00:03:12,684
200,000 direct living descendants.
61
00:03:13,083 --> 00:03:14,384
That's a lot.
62
00:03:14,409 --> 00:03:15,880
I'm a granddad?
63
00:03:15,905 --> 00:03:17,825
Well, technically, you're a...
64
00:03:17,850 --> 00:03:20,853
great-granddad times 30.
65
00:03:22,137 --> 00:03:23,721
Becoming a vampire came
66
00:03:23,746 --> 00:03:25,872
at a strange time in my life.
67
00:03:25,899 --> 00:03:27,934
I was married at the time
68
00:03:28,264 --> 00:03:29,919
to 37 women.
69
00:03:29,944 --> 00:03:31,912
My 37 wives weren't very happy
70
00:03:31,937 --> 00:03:33,883
about the changes I was going through.
71
00:03:33,908 --> 00:03:37,802
I was becoming very moody,
sleeping all day now.
72
00:03:37,827 --> 00:03:40,663
Nighttime was mainly
drinking people's blood.
73
00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:42,823
Put a strain on all of us.
74
00:03:43,036 --> 00:03:44,255
Then they left,
75
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:45,918
all 37 of them.
76
00:03:45,943 --> 00:03:47,263
It was a sad night for me,
77
00:03:47,288 --> 00:03:50,005
because I really loved 35 of them.
78
00:03:50,184 --> 00:03:51,333
In those days,
79
00:03:51,358 --> 00:03:53,919
fathers didn't really look
after their children.
80
00:03:53,944 --> 00:03:55,646
It was down to the women.
81
00:03:55,671 --> 00:03:58,911
And in some cases, a
couple of friendly wolves.
82
00:03:59,008 --> 00:04:01,497
I did try to visit my children, but...
83
00:04:01,522 --> 00:04:04,817
they were just afraid,
you know, 'cause...
84
00:04:05,277 --> 00:04:08,747
I'm a vampire floating
outside the window.
85
00:04:08,772 --> 00:04:10,981
Hey, kiddies.
86
00:04:11,006 --> 00:04:14,013
Hey, you've got my nose.
87
00:04:15,419 --> 00:04:17,645
That's the last time I saw them.
88
00:04:18,020 --> 00:04:20,700
Probably dead now, I suppose.
89
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:23,153
And another cool thing
is, you can find out
90
00:04:23,178 --> 00:04:25,981
if any of them live near you.
91
00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:28,466
You have one of them
92
00:04:28,491 --> 00:04:30,341
living right here in Staten Island.
93
00:04:30,642 --> 00:04:32,210
Madeline.
94
00:04:32,557 --> 00:04:34,215
Exciting.
95
00:04:34,414 --> 00:04:37,079
- Why are we going to the library?
- This better be good, Nandor.
96
00:04:37,104 --> 00:04:38,848
- How long is this gonna take?
- I was cleaning my skull.
97
00:04:38,873 --> 00:04:40,934
Not long, not long. Thank you.
98
00:04:40,959 --> 00:04:44,091
Everyone, I have some
very exciting news.
99
00:04:44,116 --> 00:04:47,778
Guillermo has had my DNA tested.
100
00:04:47,803 --> 00:04:49,981
You need to be careful that's
not evil witches trying
101
00:04:50,006 --> 00:04:52,737
- to pinch your semen.
- Yes. Witches are semen stealers.
102
00:04:52,762 --> 00:04:54,895
There's no semen-stealing.
103
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,434
It's very official.
104
00:04:56,459 --> 00:04:57,950
It came in an envelope.
105
00:04:57,975 --> 00:05:00,296
I actually had everyone's DNA tested.
106
00:05:00,321 --> 00:05:02,482
How did you get our DNA
without us knowing?
107
00:05:02,507 --> 00:05:04,622
You literally leave
it laying everywhere,
108
00:05:04,647 --> 00:05:06,575
so it wasn't that hard.
So, here's yours, Nadja.
109
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:09,145
No, thank you, please. Put that
on the pile there for burning.
110
00:05:09,170 --> 00:05:11,617
- You sure you don't want to open it?
- Don't test me!
111
00:05:11,642 --> 00:05:13,192
Okay, forget that.
112
00:05:13,217 --> 00:05:15,019
- So, Laszlo...
- Don't you dare.
113
00:05:15,044 --> 00:05:16,479
- You don't want to...?
- Bugger off.
114
00:05:16,504 --> 00:05:18,770
That's not very nice.
115
00:05:19,029 --> 00:05:20,184
Okay. Colin Robinson.
116
00:05:20,209 --> 00:05:22,403
- Ding, ding, ding.
- There you go.
117
00:05:22,428 --> 00:05:23,833
Could I get a drumroll first?
118
00:05:23,858 --> 00:05:24,716
- No.
- No.
119
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:26,934
- Nope.
- Fine. I'll do my own.
120
00:05:29,178 --> 00:05:30,914
Frankly, I would be flattered
121
00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:34,614
if witches collected my semen.
122
00:05:37,127 --> 00:05:38,169
It says here that
123
00:05:38,194 --> 00:05:41,364
I am 100% white.
124
00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:43,958
People are from all different places.
125
00:05:43,983 --> 00:05:45,694
It just can't say "white" on your paper.
126
00:05:45,719 --> 00:05:47,450
Oh, wow. "100% white."
127
00:05:48,024 --> 00:05:49,958
No other nuance.
128
00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:51,885
Tell them my other news, Guillermo.
129
00:05:52,023 --> 00:05:54,872
Okay. He has over two hundred...
130
00:05:54,905 --> 00:05:59,229
200,000 direct descendants living today!
131
00:05:59,254 --> 00:06:00,918
Fucking hell. Well done, chap.
132
00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:02,333
Thank you, Laszlo.
133
00:06:02,358 --> 00:06:05,379
Congratulations, Nandor. That
is some very exciting seed.
134
00:06:05,404 --> 00:06:06,474
- Yes.
- But I'm telling you,
135
00:06:06,499 --> 00:06:08,200
don't let the witches find out about it.
136
00:06:08,225 --> 00:06:09,526
They'll be coming for you.
137
00:06:09,551 --> 00:06:11,512
- No...
- That is top-quality seed.
138
00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:14,239
And thanks to your little
helper, they know about it.
139
00:06:14,264 --> 00:06:16,067
I'm telling you, they're
coming for more.
140
00:06:16,092 --> 00:06:17,825
They use it to make magnets.
141
00:06:18,426 --> 00:06:20,379
I'm a granddad.
142
00:06:20,404 --> 00:06:22,270
- You know...
- Don't ruin it.
143
00:06:22,295 --> 00:06:24,317
Oh, I-I wouldn't think of ruining it.
144
00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:26,098
- Thank you.
- The great Genghis Khan
145
00:06:26,123 --> 00:06:27,161
I knew it.
146
00:06:27,186 --> 00:06:31,120
Has over 16 million living descendants.
147
00:06:31,145 --> 00:06:32,958
Now, that's a seed.
148
00:06:32,983 --> 00:06:34,129
You just have to bring up Genghis Khan.
149
00:06:34,154 --> 00:06:35,828
Do any of his relatives live nearby?
150
00:06:35,853 --> 00:06:37,075
Actually, yes.
151
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:41,827
Uh, he has a great-times-30
granddaughter
152
00:06:41,852 --> 00:06:44,051
who lives here in Staten Island.
153
00:06:44,076 --> 00:06:46,458
So did you get your DNA
tested, Guillermo?
154
00:06:46,483 --> 00:06:49,219
I did, but you probably
wouldn't be interested
155
00:06:49,244 --> 00:06:52,458
- in finding out the results.
- Yes. Probably not.
156
00:06:53,142 --> 00:06:55,333
Thank you for attending.
157
00:06:55,358 --> 00:06:58,094
I'm mainly mestizo,
which I already knew.
158
00:06:58,284 --> 00:07:01,184
3.12% Dutch.
159
00:07:01,209 --> 00:07:03,481
That's pretty cool.
160
00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:05,559
This basically shows my family tree.
161
00:07:05,584 --> 00:07:07,319
There's the Dutch family,
162
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:09,079
and the name is Van Helsing.
163
00:07:09,104 --> 00:07:11,894
That's...
164
00:07:12,067 --> 00:07:13,442
that's actually really funny.
165
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:16,622
Uh, 'cause I don't know if
you're familiar with, uh,
166
00:07:16,946 --> 00:07:18,442
who Van Helsing is...
167
00:07:20,046 --> 00:07:21,882
The most notorious vampire killer.
168
00:07:21,907 --> 00:07:24,677
I have Van Helsing DNA in my blood,
169
00:07:25,258 --> 00:07:26,786
which is...
170
00:07:27,583 --> 00:07:29,668
But he's not real, so...
171
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:32,352
He's not real.
172
00:07:33,594 --> 00:07:34,830
Is he?
173
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:36,098
I mean, vampires are real,
174
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,762
but...
175
00:07:38,835 --> 00:07:41,278
I suppose there could be a vampire...
176
00:07:42,708 --> 00:07:43,909
Oh, wow.
177
00:07:43,934 --> 00:07:44,848
I love vampires.
178
00:07:44,873 --> 00:07:46,489
I-I...
179
00:07:47,077 --> 00:07:49,446
I killed two accidentally.
180
00:07:50,194 --> 00:07:51,863
Stay back!
181
00:07:53,531 --> 00:07:54,739
Oh, fuck.
182
00:07:54,764 --> 00:07:55,848
My tummy feels weird.
183
00:07:55,873 --> 00:07:57,542
Just...
184
00:07:58,514 --> 00:08:00,684
I th... What'd I have for lunch?
I had for lunch...
185
00:08:00,709 --> 00:08:02,434
I had, um...
186
00:08:02,709 --> 00:08:04,598
garlic.
187
00:08:12,114 --> 00:08:14,083
When I was a human man,
188
00:08:14,108 --> 00:08:16,825
I had rosy cheeks, yet
in between those cheeks,
189
00:08:17,048 --> 00:08:18,965
there was never a smile.
190
00:08:18,990 --> 00:08:21,817
And then, one night, everything changed.
191
00:08:22,357 --> 00:08:23,942
Nadja came through the window
192
00:08:23,967 --> 00:08:25,676
and took my life.
193
00:08:25,701 --> 00:08:27,903
She opened a window to my soul
194
00:08:27,928 --> 00:08:30,239
and let the darkness in.
195
00:08:30,607 --> 00:08:33,348
I'm creating something
very special for her.
196
00:08:33,373 --> 00:08:34,897
It's yet to take shape.
197
00:08:34,922 --> 00:08:37,614
When it does, I think
she'll be very impressed.
198
00:08:37,639 --> 00:08:39,811
I can't be bothered to hold this
anymore. Can you tether it?
199
00:08:39,836 --> 00:08:40,520
Uh, actually...
200
00:08:40,545 --> 00:08:42,521
What the fuck have you
got in your hand?!
201
00:08:42,546 --> 00:08:43,504
Put that down!
202
00:08:43,529 --> 00:08:45,297
That's a wooden stake, you dickhead!
203
00:08:45,322 --> 00:08:47,090
Well, you asked me to buy
garden stakes, so I b...
204
00:08:47,115 --> 00:08:49,114
Get them out of my sight
now, you smart-ass.
205
00:08:49,139 --> 00:08:50,504
- Okay.
- Where did you get them from?
206
00:08:50,529 --> 00:08:51,998
- Amazon, so...
- Well, then you get in your car,
207
00:08:52,023 --> 00:08:53,514
and you drive back to the Amazon.
208
00:08:53,539 --> 00:08:54,709
That's not how that w... It's online.
209
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:57,236
Shut your mouth, and tie this thing up.
210
00:08:57,717 --> 00:08:59,279
Fucking halfwit.
211
00:08:59,304 --> 00:09:02,740
Stakes! The most offensive thing
he could bring into the house.
212
00:09:02,765 --> 00:09:03,966
Tighter!
213
00:09:03,991 --> 00:09:07,553
So, Nandor has 200,000 descendants.
214
00:09:07,578 --> 00:09:11,201
Still far fewer than, uh, Genghis Khan.
215
00:09:11,363 --> 00:09:13,748
Um, so we're gonna go visit one.
216
00:09:13,773 --> 00:09:15,397
Her name is Madeline.
217
00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:18,373
I'm going to float up to
her window and see her.
218
00:09:18,622 --> 00:09:21,561
Not going to introduce myself yet.
219
00:09:21,586 --> 00:09:23,255
Don't want to frighten her.
220
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,951
I need you to be very supportive
of me at this delicate moment.
221
00:09:26,976 --> 00:09:29,068
Going to give her some gifts.
222
00:09:29,093 --> 00:09:31,123
Got her a little teddy bear.
223
00:09:31,148 --> 00:09:32,545
Ugh. You know what?
224
00:09:32,570 --> 00:09:34,701
This isn't working, me being supportive.
225
00:09:34,726 --> 00:09:37,696
I feel like I am
literally eating myself.
226
00:09:37,721 --> 00:09:38,865
Ugh!
227
00:09:39,091 --> 00:09:40,592
It is time.
228
00:09:50,212 --> 00:09:51,990
Don't tap on the window.
229
00:09:52,015 --> 00:09:55,279
I see her. She's asleep.
230
00:09:55,304 --> 00:09:56,772
How does she look, Master?
231
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:59,800
She looks a little older
than I was anticipating.
232
00:09:59,825 --> 00:10:02,576
That-That's what I was trying
to tell you... she's 94.
233
00:10:02,601 --> 00:10:05,375
- So young!
- Don't tap on the window.
234
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:08,333
She is stirring. I'm going
to tap on the window.
235
00:10:08,365 --> 00:10:09,655
- No.
- N-No, Master,
236
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:10,865
don't tap on the window.
237
00:10:10,890 --> 00:10:12,726
Madeline!
238
00:10:13,263 --> 00:10:14,779
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap!
239
00:10:14,804 --> 00:10:16,873
- Oh, crap.
- Wakey, wakey!
240
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:18,311
Ah.
241
00:10:18,336 --> 00:10:19,631
She's awake.
242
00:10:19,656 --> 00:10:21,457
Come to me, my little one.
243
00:10:21,482 --> 00:10:23,685
Come, look, this is for you.
244
00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:26,279
Your grandpappy is here.
245
00:10:26,304 --> 00:10:27,514
Say hello.
246
00:10:27,539 --> 00:10:28,983
This is...
247
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,031
Oh, no.
248
00:10:33,018 --> 00:10:35,424
I knew I shouldn't have
tapped on her window,
249
00:10:35,449 --> 00:10:37,050
but you goaded me.
250
00:10:37,252 --> 00:10:39,989
If, by "goading," you mean my saying,
251
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:43,144
"Under no circumstances should
you tap on her window,"
252
00:10:43,169 --> 00:10:44,971
then, yes, I goaded you.
253
00:10:44,996 --> 00:10:46,285
Yes, exactly. You see,
254
00:10:46,310 --> 00:10:49,263
you are a goader, Guillermo is a goader.
255
00:10:49,288 --> 00:10:52,199
You saw an opportunity to
goad and what did you do?
256
00:10:52,224 --> 00:10:54,347
- You goaded it.
- Okay.
257
00:10:54,770 --> 00:10:56,506
Guillermo!
258
00:10:56,711 --> 00:10:58,175
What is this feeling
259
00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,834
I am feeling?
260
00:10:59,975 --> 00:11:01,925
It's grief, Master!
261
00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:03,386
Grief?
262
00:11:03,411 --> 00:11:06,035
I don't care for it.
263
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,425
Wait, wait. Nandor!
264
00:11:08,860 --> 00:11:11,063
How am I supposed to get down, Nandor?
265
00:11:11,088 --> 00:11:13,949
You goaded me, and now you
got to take the stairs!
266
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:16,582
This is why you don't
get attached to humans.
267
00:11:16,607 --> 00:11:18,379
They don't last long.
268
00:11:18,404 --> 00:11:20,430
It is like with my sweet Gregor.
269
00:11:20,455 --> 00:11:23,214
He is reborn and then he dies.
270
00:11:23,334 --> 00:11:27,347
And again and again and again.
271
00:11:27,372 --> 00:11:29,941
And every time he comes
back, our love is reignited
272
00:11:29,966 --> 00:11:31,566
like a big ball of flames,
273
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:34,293
and then he is brutally decapitated.
274
00:11:34,318 --> 00:11:36,453
Look at this one.
275
00:11:36,636 --> 00:11:38,753
Such a beautiful head of hair.
276
00:11:38,778 --> 00:11:40,451
I like it when he's subservient,
277
00:11:40,476 --> 00:11:41,744
but not like this.
278
00:11:41,769 --> 00:11:44,308
Hello! Num, num, num, num, num.
279
00:11:44,333 --> 00:11:48,948
♪ Gregor, you are the sweetest boy ♪
280
00:11:48,973 --> 00:11:50,707
♪ Kid. ♪
281
00:11:50,732 --> 00:11:54,081
I have to be very careful
in case Laszlo sees.
282
00:11:54,867 --> 00:11:57,569
♪ My sweet Gregor ♪
283
00:11:57,594 --> 00:11:59,855
♪ Gregor, can you hear me? ♪
284
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,863
♪ Gregor, hear me ♪
285
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:04,390
♪ Singing this song ♪
286
00:12:04,415 --> 00:12:07,753
♪ Gregor, can you hear me? ♪
287
00:12:07,778 --> 00:12:09,667
♪ Gregor, hear me ♪ - Nadja.
288
00:12:09,692 --> 00:12:12,230
- Nadja! Nadja!
- ♪ Singing this song... ♪
289
00:12:12,255 --> 00:12:15,394
_ -
290
00:12:19,637 --> 00:12:22,128
I'm Gregor!
291
00:12:25,691 --> 00:12:27,409
Nadja!
292
00:12:29,496 --> 00:12:30,862
Nadja?
293
00:12:31,906 --> 00:12:33,683
Nadja!
294
00:12:42,415 --> 00:12:45,792
Hey! Hey! Goddamn it. Call the cops.
295
00:12:50,618 --> 00:12:53,655
Nandor has invited us to
join him at the funeral
296
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,774
of his descendant Madeline.
297
00:12:55,799 --> 00:12:57,858
- Wait. It's in a church?
- Oh, bloody hell.
298
00:12:57,883 --> 00:13:00,086
- Well, of course. It's a funeral.
- But hang on.
299
00:13:00,111 --> 00:13:01,766
It's night. Shouldn't
there be no one in there?
300
00:13:01,791 --> 00:13:03,711
I got it changed to
later in the evening.
301
00:13:03,736 --> 00:13:05,008
- Asshole.
- How did you do that?
302
00:13:05,033 --> 00:13:07,202
I... called in a bomb scare.
303
00:13:07,227 --> 00:13:08,462
- I can't go in there.
- No.
304
00:13:08,487 --> 00:13:10,087
Do it for Madeline.
305
00:13:10,112 --> 00:13:11,938
Look at the pictures on the glass.
306
00:13:12,113 --> 00:13:14,430
It's the Jeebus man.
307
00:13:14,455 --> 00:13:16,590
Thought of going in a church...
a church...
308
00:13:16,789 --> 00:13:18,337
Makes me nervous to say the word.
309
00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:20,531
I just...
310
00:13:20,575 --> 00:13:22,383
You know, this... Not much scares me,
311
00:13:22,408 --> 00:13:23,743
but this...
312
00:13:23,768 --> 00:13:25,477
She can go in. Why can't we? Look at...
313
00:13:25,502 --> 00:13:26,985
- Because she's not a vampire!
- Look at her.
314
00:13:27,010 --> 00:13:28,778
I'm a vampire. I can go in.
315
00:13:28,803 --> 00:13:32,508
Energy vampires have no problems
going into places of worship.
316
00:13:32,533 --> 00:13:34,392
We find it to be fertile feeding ground.
317
00:13:34,417 --> 00:13:36,094
- No! Ooh!
- Wonderful, Colin.
318
00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:37,344
Can you go in and pay our respects,
319
00:13:37,369 --> 00:13:38,501
and we'll just stand here?
320
00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:39,899
This is not about feeding ground.
321
00:13:39,923 --> 00:13:42,611
This is about my
great-great-great-great-
322
00:13:42,636 --> 00:13:44,930
great-great-great-great-great-great-
323
00:13:44,955 --> 00:13:48,626
great-great-granddaughter. Please.
324
00:13:48,651 --> 00:13:50,486
Please?
325
00:13:50,511 --> 00:13:52,876
Fuck it. Fine.
326
00:13:52,901 --> 00:13:55,383
- Madeline.
- Again, it's okay for me to go in.
327
00:13:55,408 --> 00:13:56,843
I-I'm... I'm gonna be fine.
328
00:13:56,868 --> 00:13:58,883
- Madeline.
- Laszlo.
329
00:13:59,073 --> 00:14:01,157
And it is with great sadness
330
00:14:01,182 --> 00:14:03,084
and tremendous remorse
331
00:14:03,321 --> 00:14:05,743
that we say goodbye to Madeline Darvish.
332
00:14:05,768 --> 00:14:07,937
She did not have children of her own,
333
00:14:07,962 --> 00:14:10,730
but many considered her a mother figure.
334
00:14:10,752 --> 00:14:11,954
- Please rise.
- Motherfucking rise.
335
00:14:11,979 --> 00:14:13,790
- Then you rise.
- You rise.
336
00:14:13,815 --> 00:14:15,694
- I really appreciate you coming.
- The Lord is my shepherd.
337
00:14:15,719 --> 00:14:17,868
- I shall not want...
- Nandor, we got to get out of here.
338
00:14:17,893 --> 00:14:20,407
Nandor, I'm so sorry. I don't
know how much longer I can last.
339
00:14:22,479 --> 00:14:26,571
Nandor, my mascara is running
because of the blood.
340
00:14:26,596 --> 00:14:28,423
You look great.
341
00:14:28,448 --> 00:14:29,815
I got to get out.
342
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,369
I can't do this.
343
00:14:31,394 --> 00:14:34,096
It is a lovely service, but I'm on fire.
344
00:14:34,131 --> 00:14:35,930
Your rod and your staff...
345
00:14:35,955 --> 00:14:37,523
- they comfort me.
- Thank you for coming, Nadja.
346
00:14:37,548 --> 00:14:40,196
Hey, I'm gonna go, too.
I'd rather watch TV.
347
00:14:40,221 --> 00:14:42,618
Thank you, Colin Robinson.
348
00:14:42,643 --> 00:14:44,618
And I will dwell in the
house of the Lord forever.
349
00:14:44,643 --> 00:14:46,547
Please be seated.
350
00:14:48,008 --> 00:14:49,071
Guillermo.
351
00:14:49,096 --> 00:14:51,352
Guillermo, I'm on fire. Get some water.
352
00:14:51,377 --> 00:14:52,796
Water.
353
00:14:52,821 --> 00:14:54,766
Aah!
354
00:14:57,157 --> 00:14:59,383
So sad. I...
355
00:14:59,461 --> 00:15:01,360
really miss her.
356
00:15:01,571 --> 00:15:03,172
That was holy water, Guillermo.
357
00:15:03,197 --> 00:15:05,040
Are you trying to kill me?
358
00:15:06,116 --> 00:15:07,952
She died too young.
359
00:15:07,977 --> 00:15:09,001
If anyone
360
00:15:09,026 --> 00:15:10,672
from the family would like
361
00:15:10,697 --> 00:15:12,733
to say a few words,
362
00:15:12,758 --> 00:15:15,415
n-now would be a good time.
363
00:15:17,973 --> 00:15:19,900
Good night, my darling.
364
00:15:19,925 --> 00:15:22,172
Good night, my darling.
365
00:15:23,841 --> 00:15:25,841
_
366
00:15:25,866 --> 00:15:27,477
West on Jefferson Avenue,
367
00:15:27,502 --> 00:15:29,016
- _
- got a late model red station wagon.
368
00:15:29,041 --> 00:15:31,543
10-96. Escaped mental patient.
369
00:15:31,568 --> 00:15:33,696
_ - So, my boy Sean...
370
00:15:33,721 --> 00:15:34,735
Ca-caw!
371
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,584
Came to the corner store
down on Eastern Parkway
372
00:15:36,609 --> 00:15:39,417
to get some Twizzlers, but
they only had a family size.
373
00:15:39,442 --> 00:15:41,451
- Yo, shut up, shut up, look.
- What, man? I'm telling a...
374
00:15:41,476 --> 00:15:43,712
- Yo! Whoa!
- What the fu...? Dude, what?
375
00:15:43,737 --> 00:15:45,538
Holy shit. Oh, my God.
376
00:15:45,563 --> 00:15:46,873
Whoa!
377
00:15:46,898 --> 00:15:48,334
Dude, holy... Yo...
378
00:15:48,359 --> 00:15:51,172
- Holy shit! Oh, my God.
- Oh! Look at that!
379
00:15:51,197 --> 00:15:53,092
- Look at that.
- Holy shit.
380
00:15:53,117 --> 00:15:54,233
Nadja!
381
00:15:54,258 --> 00:15:55,686
- Are you okay?
- Holy shit.
382
00:15:55,934 --> 00:15:57,522
Cheeze-It, yo, yo, yo.
383
00:15:57,547 --> 00:15:59,018
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
384
00:15:59,043 --> 00:16:01,217
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
385
00:16:02,117 --> 00:16:03,322
Nadja!
386
00:16:03,347 --> 00:16:04,782
That's not-that's not yours. Hey!
387
00:16:04,807 --> 00:16:05,406
Dude!
388
00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:07,490
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
389
00:16:10,226 --> 00:16:11,840
- Yo, yo, yo, yo.
- Stop!
390
00:16:11,865 --> 00:16:13,837
Nadja?!
391
00:16:14,791 --> 00:16:16,793
Nadja!
392
00:16:18,833 --> 00:16:20,197
Nadja!
393
00:16:20,222 --> 00:16:21,837
Shit.
394
00:16:22,597 --> 00:16:24,299
Nadja!
395
00:16:24,501 --> 00:16:26,478
- Jesk?
- Nadja.
396
00:16:26,503 --> 00:16:28,451
- Oh...
- My Nadja. I heard your call.
397
00:16:28,476 --> 00:16:30,368
- Shh.
- My destiny has brought me here,
398
00:16:30,393 --> 00:16:33,072
- and it is to be with you.
- Oh.
399
00:16:33,097 --> 00:16:35,368
Jesk, uh, you-you shouldn't be here.
400
00:16:35,393 --> 00:16:36,908
- My husband lives here.
- Husband?
401
00:16:36,933 --> 00:16:39,446
And he is very big, wide man,
402
00:16:39,471 --> 00:16:41,181
- and he loves to bite.
- I don't give a shit.
403
00:16:41,206 --> 00:16:43,041
- He loves to bite...
- Our destiny cannot be denied.
404
00:16:43,066 --> 00:16:46,743
- Who's this, my darling?
- Well... Oh...
405
00:16:46,768 --> 00:16:48,220
A gentleman caller?
406
00:16:48,245 --> 00:16:50,414
Uh, no. This is just my
friend from the park.
407
00:16:50,439 --> 00:16:52,007
We're having a quick catch-up.
408
00:16:52,032 --> 00:16:54,212
I am here for Nadja.
409
00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:57,806
Nadja... is my wife.
410
00:16:58,739 --> 00:17:00,564
I should cut your head off.
411
00:17:00,589 --> 00:17:02,780
Oh, L-Laszlo, you don't need to do that.
412
00:17:02,805 --> 00:17:05,142
I always have.
413
00:17:05,167 --> 00:17:06,267
- Wait, what?
- What?
414
00:17:06,292 --> 00:17:07,540
I know who you are.
415
00:17:07,565 --> 00:17:09,867
Outward appearance may have changed.
416
00:17:09,892 --> 00:17:11,493
The pattern remains the same.
417
00:17:11,518 --> 00:17:13,886
You get reborn, you try and find her,
418
00:17:14,164 --> 00:17:16,025
and I cut your head off.
419
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,587
Oh, shit.
420
00:17:24,785 --> 00:17:26,453
When I was a street thief?
421
00:17:26,478 --> 00:17:28,146
I had the cleaver in my hand.
422
00:17:29,963 --> 00:17:31,331
When I was a naval officer?
423
00:17:31,356 --> 00:17:32,857
I was on board that ship with a cutlass.
424
00:17:32,882 --> 00:17:34,534
When I was atop
425
00:17:34,559 --> 00:17:35,780
- that horse in the battlefield in...
- Yeah, yeah.
426
00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:37,178
That was me.
427
00:17:37,203 --> 00:17:38,454
The Amazon explorer?
428
00:17:38,479 --> 00:17:40,215
Guess who tipped off the natives.
429
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:41,054
When I was a mouse?
430
00:17:41,079 --> 00:17:42,171
I was a cat.
431
00:17:42,196 --> 00:17:43,561
When he was a washer woman?
432
00:17:43,586 --> 00:17:46,397
- We can do this all night.
- Really?
433
00:17:46,422 --> 00:17:48,116
- You're an evil genius.
- My darling,
434
00:17:48,141 --> 00:17:51,796
every time doughboy turns
up, you start crying.
435
00:17:52,017 --> 00:17:53,499
Now, I'm not having that.
436
00:17:53,524 --> 00:17:57,173
You're my sweet baby, and I'm
here to stop that kind of jive.
437
00:17:57,198 --> 00:17:59,624
Aw. Crazy knight in...
438
00:17:59,649 --> 00:18:02,051
shining black coat.
439
00:18:02,076 --> 00:18:03,411
Oh, Laszlo.
440
00:18:03,515 --> 00:18:05,319
Well, this is fucked up.
441
00:18:05,344 --> 00:18:06,944
- Should we get on with it?
- No. No.
442
00:18:06,969 --> 00:18:09,906
Let him have at least one
full life, my darling.
443
00:18:09,931 --> 00:18:11,200
Is this what you want?
444
00:18:11,486 --> 00:18:13,387
Why... y-yes.
445
00:18:14,024 --> 00:18:15,678
I suggest you fuck off
446
00:18:15,703 --> 00:18:17,780
and never darken our doorstep again.
447
00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:22,264
My wife has everything she needs
with me. Is that understood?
448
00:18:22,289 --> 00:18:24,514
Goodbye.
449
00:18:24,539 --> 00:18:26,196
May-Maybe I'll see you in the next life.
450
00:18:26,221 --> 00:18:28,109
- Yeah, maybe you won't.
- Oh, okay. All right.
451
00:18:28,134 --> 00:18:29,469
All right, all right. I'm going.
452
00:18:29,494 --> 00:18:31,710
- May-Maybe you will.
- Mm-hmm.
453
00:18:31,735 --> 00:18:35,069
Now, my darling. I've
created something for you.
454
00:18:35,823 --> 00:18:37,625
Here's your surprise.
455
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:40,913
It's me.
456
00:18:40,938 --> 00:18:42,907
- It is the most beautiful thing
- That's it.
457
00:18:42,932 --> 00:18:45,531
- My eyes has ever witnessed.
- I'm out of here.
458
00:18:45,556 --> 00:18:47,124
Farewell, my love...
459
00:18:47,149 --> 00:18:48,451
Ooh!
460
00:18:48,571 --> 00:18:50,530
- Bloody not.
- Laszlo, what the
461
00:18:50,555 --> 00:18:52,777
- fucking hell have you done?!
- No, no, no, no, my darling.
462
00:18:52,802 --> 00:18:54,427
I swear, that had nothing to do with me.
463
00:18:54,452 --> 00:18:55,820
Aw. Ew.
464
00:18:55,845 --> 00:18:58,311
I'll leave you some time alone with...
465
00:18:58,962 --> 00:19:00,796
whatever his name is.
466
00:19:01,715 --> 00:19:03,342
Oh, Gregor,
467
00:19:03,367 --> 00:19:07,335
thank you for all the lovely
times, and I'll see you soon.
468
00:19:15,538 --> 00:19:17,340
Guillermo?
469
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:19,991
- Yes, Master?
- You all right?
470
00:19:20,016 --> 00:19:21,732
I'm just tired, Master.
471
00:19:21,757 --> 00:19:22,889
You sure?
472
00:19:22,914 --> 00:19:25,202
Yes, I'm sure. Time for bed.
473
00:19:25,695 --> 00:19:28,764
What was the results
of your ancestry test?
474
00:19:32,260 --> 00:19:36,147
Just... stereotypical... Mexican.
475
00:19:36,363 --> 00:19:38,928
- Piñata farmers.
- Piñata farmers. Mm-hmm.
476
00:19:38,953 --> 00:19:40,717
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
477
00:19:40,742 --> 00:19:42,710
People love piñatas.
478
00:19:42,735 --> 00:19:45,842
Someone's got to breed
those colorful donkeys.
479
00:19:46,305 --> 00:19:48,007
Thank you, Master.
480
00:19:50,902 --> 00:19:54,439
Thank you for helping me
tonight on my saddest night.
481
00:19:54,464 --> 00:19:57,367
Even though you did throw
holy water onto me!
482
00:19:57,392 --> 00:20:00,139
Do you remember that?! It really burned!
483
00:20:00,164 --> 00:20:02,359
- Sorry.
- Why would you do that?!
484
00:20:02,384 --> 00:20:04,186
Outrageous!
485
00:20:04,211 --> 00:20:06,132
Aah, my burns!
486
00:20:06,157 --> 00:20:09,160
From the holy water
that you threw on me.
487
00:20:09,185 --> 00:20:11,588
That is one demerit point for you,
488
00:20:11,613 --> 00:20:14,639
and one more year as my familiar.
489
00:20:14,908 --> 00:20:16,491
Good night.
490
00:20:19,273 --> 00:20:21,092
- Guillermo?
- Hmm?
491
00:20:21,117 --> 00:20:23,413
You're having a serious thought?
492
00:20:23,545 --> 00:20:24,952
No.
493
00:20:24,977 --> 00:20:28,116
Oh, yeah, you probably weren't.
494
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:29,945
Good night.
495
00:20:30,151 --> 00:20:32,514
Good night, Master.
496
00:21:52,945 --> 00:21:59,186
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -
34396
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