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It's just so strange.

I've never seen anything like it.

Hey, guys. What are you looking at?

Whoa.

What is Axl doing?

I think he's frolicking.

Oh, my God!

Is that what love looks like?

Why you asking us?

Hey, Brick, got a haircut.

Ah, it's not my choice.
I did it for Cindy.

The heart wants what it wants,

and apparently it wants vintage Brick.

So, what's up, honey?

You escaping your gross dorm
room for the comforts of home?

That's a sad state of affairs.

Yeah. We have a bit of a mold issue.

Lexie's dad flew her
to Barbados for the weekend.

Plus I'm still 20% scared of ghosts.

I'll be right back, babe!
I ache when I'm not with you.

Knit hats, let's go.

April thinks it'd be cute
if we're both wearing them.

Um, I'll have to check if I have any.

How do you not know
if you have knit hats?

Oh, God, you are so unorganized!

Dad, you got to stop
being so scared of Mom

and tell her to get
a basket of knit hats.

What are you looking at, Frodo?

That seemed harsher than normal.

Now, look, Brick, Halloween
is right around the corner.

So if there's anything you need
fashioned out of feathers,

tell me now so I can give
Nancy Donahue some lead time.

Actually, now that I'm in high school,

it's more about parties
than trick-or-treating.

Oh, you're going to a party, huh?

Negative, but Troy, Cindy, and I

are planning on standing
on the periphery of one

and hoping to be invited in by a parent.

Hi, I'm April.

Yeah, we know.

Looks like you guys
were having fun out there.

This is my favorite time of year.

The end of fall,
right before autumn begins.

Mm.

Oh, babe, the little girls' room
is right down the hall.

Okay.

First door on the left.

Don't be gone too long now.

Do we not have any cocoa? God.

Ooh, I would love a cup of cocoa.

Dogs can't eat chocolate!

Oh, my God.

Is this you when you were little?

Way to go, Mom.

Thanks for leaving photos on the wall!

Who does that?!

Okay, it's not fair
that he's so nice to her

and so mean to us.

Yeah, what is going on?

He was getting nicer.

He let me stay in his room.

He was inviting me to parties.

And now he's all,
"Dogs can't have chocolate!"

And yesterday he called me a horse,

which isn't the worst thing,
except he also did this.

I know what's going on.

The kid's got a certain amount
of snark that's got to come out,

and since he's with April 24/7,
it's got nowhere to go.

It's... It's like a plugged-up hose.

The water's gonna come out somewhere.

So what, we're just supposed
to sit back and get bullied?

Well, that's what I usually do,

but I thought you guys
would have other options.

The guy's in love.
Let's give it a couple weeks.

If he starts saying
that I'm scared of Mom again,

I'll put the hammer down.

Hey, Brick.

Just kind of looking
for a quiet place to study.

Hmm.

You know, it's funny.

I gave you my room for the summer.

Poof! Summer's gone.

Where does the time go?

Well, it's always summer somewhere.

I guess, but summer in Orson...
definitely over.

Is it, though?

'Cause we're kind of having
an Indian summer.

According to Axl's girlfriend,
it's fall and almost autumn.

But you're only here for the weekend.

True, but I'll be needing
my room at Thanksgiving,

and that is right around the corner.

Not "right around" the corner,
and Thanksgiving

is really more about
being together with family.

It's also about me spending time
in my room.

Plus, turkey has a lot of tryptophan,

so that's gonna make me tired

and I'm gonna want to sleep in my bed,

which is in my room.

Have they really proven
the tryptophan thing?

Yeah, Brick. It's pretty proven.

Well, we can go back and forth
on this all day.

It's my room, Brick.

You've made some very excellent points.

It's a lot to chew on.

What are you doing?

Axl. Axl! A...

Oh! Babe!

Got that for you.

Oh, you guys gonna carve pumpkins?

How'd you connect those dots?

It's just that you never really seemed

interested in doing that before.

When have you ever asked me
to carve pumpkins?

Hmm, let me think.

Uh, every Halloween since you were 5,

and a couple of Christmases

when we still had pumpkins lying around.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Are those my magazines?

Oh, no, no, no!

Don't wreck anything
with a royal on the cover.

Those are collector's items.

Oh, and look.

It's the special
Shakeups and Breakups issue.

I never got to read this 'cause
it was right when Brick was born

and he was colicky.

I believe that was the
Ferguson baby who was colicky.

Brad Pitt was married
to Jennifer Aniston?

Oh, yes, they were Hollywood's
golden couple,

and they just couldn't make it work.

Oh.

Yeah, says here he wanted kids
and she didn't.

Yep. Probably a good thing
they didn't have kids.

How would they decide
which parent to go with?

You got to go with Pitt.

I mean, he was Thor.

Mm, that was Chris Hemsworth.

He's dreamy.

What if Mom and Dad got a divorce?

Who would we go with?

- Dad.
- Dad.

Dad.

Okay, it's not so much
that you all said Dad.

It's the swiftness
with which you said it.

Why don't you just take a minute

and think about it before you answer?

- Dad.
- Dad.

Dad.

Okay, then.

It's nothing personal.

I just think Dad would need me more.

I don't think he could survive
without a woman in his life.

Actually, now that I think about
it, I wouldn't go with Dad.

Thank you, Brick.

I'd go with Axl and April.
She smells really nice.

I just finished a Life Saver.

Well, listen, it's okay. I get it.

Nobody wants to live
with the big mean mom monster.

'Cause we're always like,
"Brush your teeth!

Do your homework! Flush!"

Yeah.

I guess that's just the way
it's always been.

Moms always get the raw end
of the deal, right, April?

I'd definitely go with my mom.

We're best friends.

Aww.

Well, this is a fun conversation.

No, that's what I love about my family.

We can just be who we are
and razz each other.

We're a family of razzers.

It's funny, 'cause we'd never
get divorced anyway.

I mean, neither of us
would have an affair.

We're too tired. Am I right?

No, seriously, I'm fine.

It's not like we're asking
you guys to say

which one of us you love more.

You don't have to answer that!

No, no, no. I miss you more.

Well, I was dreaming about you
and I woke up missing you.

Ugh. Oh.

Babe, I got to go.
My service animal's awake.

Aah!

Okay, you know what? No!

I do not care if you are
a plugged-up hose.

You cannot treat me this way,
and neither can Brick!

I want my room back!

May I help you?

W-What is this?

I've added some new security measures.

Santiago and I didn't feel safe.

Tina. I don't know who that is.

Tina is the name I gave my
bedroom, and I want her back!

There's no need for you
to raise your voice.

Here's the dealio, Brick.

My room at school stinks.
Axl's room stinks.

I need a sanctuary.

When I am a working actress

living half the year in Hollywood

and the other half on Broadway,

then you can have it,
but not until then.

I was maybe gonna let you use it if
I do a semester abroad in Houston,

but now we'll have to see.

- Sue, here's the thing about Santiago.
- Tina.

I didn't expect Santiago
and I to get so close.

Ugh!

I gave you my room
as a Not Mother's Day gift

out of the goodness of my heart,

but now I want it back.

No. I need it back.

And I would hope that as my brother,

you would understand that.

Your words are moving.

But I'm not.

Okay, fine, Brick.

I don't need a sanctuary.
I have a sanctuary in here.

And just so you know,
you are not gonna be visiting me

on Broadway or in Hollywood.

Maybe Houston.

I'd really like the whole family
to see that

because they have a nice harbor area.

So, I'm gonna stop and pick up
some toilet paper at CVS,

unless you're gonna grab some from work.

No, I think they're onto me,

so I'm gonna lay low for a while.

Oh, and I'm still mad at you

about that whole divorce thing
the other day.

Where did that come from?

You said we needed toilet paper,

which reminded me of the bathroom,

which reminded me of my magazine,

which reminded me how mad I am.

What are you mad at me for?
I didn't say anything.

Yeah, exactly. You didn't say anything.

You just sat there quietly
soaking up all our kids' love.

Come on. That was like two days ago.

Yeah, I know, but I couldn't
get mad in front of April.

I don't want her to see
our dirty laundry.

Our actual dirty laundry
was on the counter.

Whatever. I wanted to tell you
how mad I was, but I forgot.

Come on, Frankie.

There's not enough to be mad about now?

You got to go digging in the past?

It was a stupid little argument.

I'm not mad, I'm hurt.

Kind of hard to tell the difference.

Okay, fine. I'm mad.

And I know everybody was kidding

about not wanting to live with me.

- I wasn't.
- Axl, that's mean.

Mom, if it makes you feel
any better, I'd live with you.

No, it doesn't make me feel any better.

I don't want your pity vote.

If I'm not your first choice, forget it.

Conversation over.

Although I'd love to know
what's so great about this guy.

Well, he's not yelling at us
at 9:30 in the morning.

I think what A...

Axl is trying to say is
you can get a little excitable.

What do you mean I get excitable?

I don't get excitable.
Am I excitable now?

How can I put this?

You're a strong cup of coffee.

So, you want to live with him?

He's boring!

I bring vim and verve to this family.

I'm like a three-ring circus
compared to this guy.

He's like watching a Jerry Lewis movie

and skipping through
all the Jerry Lewis parts.

Who? Who? Who?

Forget it. Geez.

Although I want to know why
all of you guys think

it would be so hard to live with me.

I don't know. You honk a lot.

You're always saying, "What's the haps?"

And then there's your clapping.

Oh, yeah. Totally.

My clapping?
What's wrong with my clapping?

It's got this really weird pitch to it,

and it's really... Loud.

Yeah, it's like you hate
your hands. - Mm-hmm.

That's why I didn't want
to watch the finale

of "The Bachelor" with you.

So, I'm just the annoying mom

who claps too loud and is excitable.

Why don't you start making a list

of all the things
you don't like about me?

Don't start a list.

Okay, you guys, maybe we should
all just live with Mom.

I got to stay with Dad.

He's the one who would keep the house

and I'm really starting
to like your room.

Why does Dad get to keep the house?

- Well, he's got all the kids.
- Mm-hmm.

Look, this whole conversation
is pointless

because nobody's getting divorced.

Don't be so sure.

You know why they want to live with you.

'Cause they know nothing about you.

Huh. No, I'm serious.

What do we really know about him? Hmm?

Once a week he eats sardines on
crackers and he likes the Colts.

Don't you see what's happening here?

He's winning because he's silent.

He's a statue.

I'm the one who tells him,
"Go talk to your son.

See how your daughter likes college."

He's a puppet.

I'm just sticking my hand
up there and making him talk.

I'm Wayland Flowers and he's Madame.

- Who?
- Who? Who?

The ventriloquist on
the "Hollywood Squares."

- What's "Hollywood Squares"?
- What's a ventriloquist?

Okay, I'm the one who's
always done everything for you.

I wiped your noses. I wiped your butts.

You know what? Go ahead.

You want to live with your dad,
live with your dad.

But guess what.

He doesn't like to shop,

so all that stuff
you're eating right there,

I'm just gonna take it away.

Yep. That's right.

This is what it's like
living with your dad.

Sardines and silence.

So, that's what you guys want,
well, then you can be...

April. Hey.

Just serving the family breakfast.

Kind of a Monday morning tradition.

Here you go.

Here you go, sweetheart.

So, yeah, you know, moms are abused.

But the best that you can do
is role-model good behavior

and just kill them with kindness.

Hey, Axl. Nice costume.

What are you, an oldtimey army captain?

I'm Prince Charming. God.

Or I could just kill 'em.

So, you and April going
to a party or something?

Well, I wanted to go to a party,
but April thought it'd be fun

to dress up and hand out candy to kids,

so I'm doing that
'cause when you love someone,

you're nice to them.

God. Move, Mom!

Hey, Brick. Going out tonight, huh?

Are you gonna be out, like,
the whole night?

Uh... no.

Actually, I'm not.

Really?

You're not going trick-or-treating?

No, ma'am.

Then why are you dressed
like a bowling pin?

No reason.

Huh. Seems like an odd choice of
wardrobe just for hanging out.

Well, the rest of my clothes
are in the laundry.

That is a very plausible story.

It's why I said it.

Okay, then.

I am going to take out the trash

because everything makes sense here.

Yeah.

Aah!

Open this door!

What the hell is going on in here?

Brick stole Tina.

- He won't give it back...
- She's going back to college anyway.

...and he said the summer's
not over and he's wrong!

Hey! That's it.

Everyone's going back
to their original rooms.

And no more naming things
that shouldn't have names.

The name of this room is room!

Frankie!

You're not gonna believe
what these numbnuts did.

Dad, if you'll just listen to me,

- it is not my fault!
- She knocked me over with a basketball!

I don't want to hear it!

Mom, it is not fair.

I gave Brick my room,
and now I have a broken door

and a hole in the wall!

I'm sorry I did that, Sue,

and maybe I held onto your room
too long.

But you know what?
At least you have a room.

I don't have anything of my own.

No baby pictures,
clothes from the cousin box.

I don't even have a chair
at the dinner table.

None of you have walked in my shoes.

I don't even walk in my shoes!

I walk in Cousin Jared's shoes.

I don't know why you guys
are telling me this.

You should tell the guy
you chose to live with.

What?

I'm just saying,
you're only gonna see me

on weekends and every other Christmas,

so you better get used to it.

Oh, my God.

Is she really still talking
about this hypothetical divorce?

Yes, she is.

I was really hurt.

You know, when your kids are teenagers,

everyone says, "Oh, don't worry.

When they get older,
they will appreciate you

and be thankful for everything
that you do for them."

Well, you are older.

And it just hit me that
that's never gonna happen.

You know, that divorce
might've been hypothetical,

but my feelings are very real,

and if hurting my feelings
was what you were trying to do,

well, congratulations
on a job well done.

Ooh.

Aah.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

You people are gonna sit there

and try to make me feel
crappy about myself?!

- Hi!
- Hey, April!

We're just doing our Halloween thang.

No, you know what? If you're
gonna be hanging around here,

you should hear this, too,
because I am through

being this family's punching bag!

And I am sorry if I have
an annoying clap,

and I am sorry that I like dancing

to the "Law & Order" theme,

or that I'm not good at
fast-forwarding with the remote.

But guess what.
I am done defending myself.

If you're all so perfect,
you can have each other.

Take a last look at
this annoying, clapping mom

that nobody wants to live with,
'cause I am storming out!

Trick or treat!

Ooh, aren't you cute.

Oh, look a pirate.

Shiver me timbers.

Storming out!

As far as storming out goes,

I picked a pretty good night to do it.

I followed a kid with a hole
in his candy sack.

I was able to prevent some wayward teens

from going down the wrong path.

And to cap it all off,
I popped by Nancy Donahue's

Bible-themed haunted house.

Oh, that apple does look good.

But I just don't know.

All ye!

Ignore the temptation.

Come, walk on the water with me.

Frankie, there's caramel apples
and Halloween-themed doughnuts

in the backyard next to the pits
of hellfire pit.

Oh, great.

But all good things must come to an end,

and it was time to go home
to my actual haunted house.

Crap.

Hey, April.

You hitting the road?

No, I'm just going home.

Oh.

Are you okay?

Oh. Yeah.

Just another night at the Heck house.

It's what we do.

Well, I felt really bad for you,

so I told Axl he should be nicer.

I mean, we only have one mom,
and moms are pretty great.

Aww.

Thank you, April.

Don't tell Axl I said that.

I mean, he knows the part
that I told him

because I said it to him,
but he doesn't know

that I'm telling you
about the part that I told him.

Got it.

Okay, I should get going.

Yeah, you better get home by midnight

or your car might turn into a pumpkin.

Oh, my gosh, why?

It's just that you're wearing the...

You know what? It's late.

Good night, April.

Look what the cat dragged in.

Ha, ha.

Just for the record,
I did go out looking for you.

I was following a trail
of Tootsie Roll wrappers,

but I lost you in some high grass.

What am I doing wrong?

That sounds like a morning question.

No, seriously. Why do all
the kids want to go with you?

Frankie, it doesn't matter.
Here's the thing.

I wouldn't take them anyway.

I guess when it comes right down to it,

we're not like celebrities.

We can't leave each other.
We don't have enough options.

Besides, it's so much easier to
split up $50 million than $50.

And then, of course,
there's the whole love thing.

All right. Right this way.

Then you're gonna take a sharp right.

And a sharp left.

Couple more paces.

All right, so we've all been talking,

and we decided you deserved this.

My own chair?

And it's just like everyone else's!

Welcome to the family!

I've been waiting 14 years to hear that.

How'd you get the exact same one?

I was looking for the receipt

to see where we bought the other chairs,

and I found that one under
a pile of crap in the basement.

Oh. Aww, see?

This is why we stay together.

Hey, I would never leave you.

What do you mean you wouldn't leave me?

If anybody's doing anything
leaving, I'm leaving you.

I don't know. I don't really see
Mom leaving Dad.

Hey, if the woman wants
to leave me, let her leave me.

Okay, see, that's not nice.

I bet Mom would probably never
say something like that.

I think we should reconsider
moving in with Mom.

No, we all have to stay together.

I have a chair.

- Aww.
- That's a good point.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you, guys.

That looks good.

Say "chair".

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