Original subtitles

♪ Skatetown. Goin' 'round and 'round. ♪

♪ Skatetown. Goin' 'round and 'round. ♪

♪ Skatetown. Goin' 'round and 'round. ♪

♪ Skatetown. Goin' 'round and 'round. ♪

♪ Ask how it feels to be on those wheels ♪

♪ Wind in your hair, you got no cares ♪

♪ C'mon and join the song at Skatetown ♪

♪ Skatetown. Goin' 'round and 'round. ♪

♪ Skatetown. Skatetown. Goin' 'round and 'round. ♪

♪ There's many a slip between the cup and the lip ♪

♪ …and we all go through life, taking many a trip ♪

♪ …let's just roll along and hold on to the song of Skatetown. ♪

♪ Skatetown. Goin' 'round and 'round. ♪

♪ Skatetown. Skatetown. Goin' 'round and 'round. ♪

♪ Dream can come true there ♪

♪ …magic moments are in the air. ♪

♪ The carousel turns ♪

♪ …once you get together all the boys and girls. ♪

♪ Skatetown. Skatetown. Goin' 'round and 'round. ♪

♪ Skatetown. Skatetown. Goin' 'round and 'round. ♪

♪ There'll be no sad songs ♪

♪ …spin your wheels and roll along. ♪

♪ There'll be no heartbreaks ♪

♪ …here comes Crazy Kate on her roller skates. ♪

♪ Ask how it feels to be on those wheels ♪

♪ …then, touched by a spell, roll out of the shell ♪

♪ …goin' 'round and 'round, just dancing to the sound of ♪

♪ …Skatetown (Skatetown) (Oh, oh, U.S.A.) ♪

♪ Skatetown (Skatetown) (Oh, oh, U.S.A.) ♪

♪ Skatetown (Skatetown) (Rollin' 'round and 'round) ♪

♪ Skatetown (Skatetown) (Rollin') ♪

♪ Skatetown (Skatetown) (Oh, oh, U.S.A.) ♪

♪ Skatetown (Skatetown) (Oh, oh, U.S.A.) ♪

♪ Skatetown (Skatetown) (Rollin' round and) ♪

♪ Skatetown (Skatetown) (Rollin' 'round and 'round) ♪

♪ Skatetown (Skatetown) (Rollin') ♪

♪ (Oh, oh, U.S.A.) (Skatetown) ♪

♪ (Oh, oh, U.S.A.) (Skatetown) ♪

♪ (Oh, oh, U.S.A.) (Skatetown) ♪

♪ (Oh, oh, U.S.A.) (Skatetown) ♪

♪ (Oh, oh, U.S.A.) (Skatetown) ♪

♪ (Oh, oh, U.S.A.) (Skatetown) ♪

♪ (Skatetown!) ♪

All right! Wake up, Skatetown, USA!

Hello there, palm trees! Light up, pinballs!

Come on, we're going to get those kilowatts moving and those light bulbs grooving!

Let's groove, light up, turn sparkle and glitter!

Open your eyes, snack bar!

It's time for the magic to begin!

So hang on to your skates and abraca… whatever!

Presto, change-o! Let's go and have a ball!

Skaters, I hope you're all having a groovy time!

♪ We were born to be alive ♪

♪ We were born to be alive ♪

♪ Born, born to be alive ♪

♪ (Born to be alive) ♪

♪ Yes, we were born, born, born ♪

♪ (Born to be alive) ♪

♪ Time was on my side when I was running down the street ♪

♪ at four-to-five five five ♪

♪ A suitcase and an old guitar and somewthing new ♪

♪ to occupy my mind, mind, mind ♪

♪ Yes, we were born, born ♪

♪ Born to be alive ♪

♪ (Born to be alive) ♪

♪ Yes, we were born, born, born ♪

♪ (Born to be alive) ♪

♪ People ask me why I never find a place to stop ♪

♪ and settle down, down, down ♪

♪ But I never wanted all those things ♪

♪ People need to justify their lives, lives, lives ♪

♪ Yes, we were born, born, born… ♪

Whoa, look at this place.

Yeah.

Where's your sister?

Where she always is.

Talking to guys?

No, in the john.

Oh, you're doing excellent.

I must say.

Uh-oh, I took the wrong ticket again.

No.

You took the right ticket because the suppression

of women, we must follow through with that.

Right?

Dad. Dad!

Yeah, yeah.

Do you have to hit on every broad who comes into the place?

Can't you be cool?

Are you forgetting about mom?

You're right, son.

I am forgetting mom.

Now, Teri.

Dad.

Please.

Okay?

Now, Teri, I noticed you're letting people in for free.

All this stuff has to be paid for.

The lights.

The band.

All this has to be paid for.

Now, please collect the passes.

The orange tickets are for last week.

All right.

The green ones are for this week.

But gee, Harvey.

You see, Jimmy told me that historically the

suppression of women has meant less wages,

i.e., less time for entertainment.

It's obvious you're very well-informed regarding the suppression of women.

Where you're having difficulty is remembering the colors of the passes.

See, the orange passes are for last week.

The green passes are for this week.

Okay?

The orange passes are for last week.

The green passes are for this week.

Don't pay any attention to him.

Or we'll end up short.

The only way this business is going to end up in the black is for me to run it.

Okay.

Orange for last week.

Green for this week.

Right.

Goodbye, Harvey.

Yes.

You devil, you.

Now, my son means well, but there are special passes

that we must give to certain people and…

[WIZARD] I wish these guys were my best friends because

…they're going to be so rich off this big, big, fab tune.

…It's called "Disco Nights." Let's hear it for GQ.

♪ Let the spirit flow all through your body ♪

♪ Just lend us an ear ♪

♪ Involve yourself, you're free to follow ♪

♪ And we'll take you there ♪

♪ You said you want to reach the sky ♪

♪ So get up ♪

I'm in love!

Just walk into the place, Susan!

I don't care, I'm in love!

Alright, alright, with who?

I might settle for that half of the rink

Why do I have to have a sister that's boy crazy?

What do you want, a sister that's girl crazy?

Clever, clever

Richie, we don't have a chance

I just know I'm gonna get out in front of this crowd and we're gonna freeze

- Will you knock it off? - Yeah, yeah, knock it off and sign here, will ya please?

Do like the man said and sign in

And then get ready for enormous tax problems

Yeah, well just don't go gassing up the moped, pal

You know, I do alright in the streets, but this

is Skatetown, USA You know, these guys are pros

Yeah

But you guys are better

Because with my brains and your moves and this

- You guys will be skate champs of LA - Sounds great!

Hi!

What is that?

What's your name?

Kimmy, what's yours?

- Hi, I'm Susan - Good, you know how to spell it?

Put it right ther, and put your last name too, and your phone number and address.

Hey, what's your secret?

Experience.

Uh, Mr. Ross?

Yeah Hi, uh, before I started work today, uh, you know, it's a month's time

I just wanted to kinda thank you for hiring me

It's a, you know, we Vets, we have a hard time getting a job sometimes

Yeah, yeah, well that's okay I'm an ex-combat veteran myself.

- I was in Korea, 1952. Incheon. - Oh, really?

- Yeah, Yeah - I was in SWT - SWT?

Uh, simulated war training. We had simulated bombs, simulated machine

guns, simulated barbed wire, simulated radar.

♪ The feeling's right and the music's tight ♪

♪ On the disco night ♪

♪ The feeling's right ♪

♪ The music's tight ♪

♪ Disco night. Disco night!♪

Let's Go! Westside Rollers! Woo!

Charge!

[WIZARD] Hey, while you kids are all getting bandaged up,

…let's listen to Earth, Wind & Fire's great Great hit, "Boogie Wonderland!"

♪ Dance, boogie wonderland ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Dance, boogie wonderland ♪

♪ Midnight creeps so slowly into hearts ♪

♪ Of men who need more than they get ♪

♪ Daylight deals a bad hand ♪

♪ To a woman who has laid too many bets ♪

♪ The mirror stares you in the face and says ♪

♪ "Baby, uh uh, it don't work" ♪

♪ You say your prayers, though you don't care ♪

♪ You dance and shake the hurt… ♪

Stanley, will you get out here?

This is ridiculous.

The Lone Ranger!

Where's Tonto?

Well Tonto?

This is silly!

It's not silly.

Now look, I have this place all figured out, all right?

And believe me, you got a much better shot of winning if you wear that costume.

Oh, wait a minute, Rich.

I mean, what makes you the expert all of a sudden?

You never stepped foot in this place before tonight.

Well, I've never been to Mexico either.

But I do know that you don't drink the water, right?

Then you gotta wear it.

Okay, look.

Let's put it this way.

No.

Stanley.

Stanley, old buddy.

Look, don't you want to win?

Huh?

I mean, think of the prizes.

The moped.

The trophy.

The thousand bucks.

Stanley, do you know what we could do with a thousand bucks?

Yeah, but I'm just a street skater.

Stanley, will you forget the street skater business?

Now you're the masked man.

Mysterious.

Every woman's dream.

The good guy.

The all-American hero.

Hey, listen.

If you get the munchies, and who doesn't get those,

I want you to skate on over and see my good

buddy Ben over at the Skatetown USA snack bar.

He's got goodies and pizzas and everything.

He's got a special on pizza tonight.

All you can eat for $49.95.

That's right.

Excuse me.

Let me get… Ah!

Oh, candy bar.

Who had the pizza?

Call me on Friday.

We'll pick up furniture, all right?

Hey, oh, I'm sorry.

Ah!

Nice Shirt.

[WIZARD] Mary Lou Schmidt, please report to the front entrance

…your father is here, and boy, is he pissed.

I'm looking for Ripple.

Ripple.

I'm looking for Ripple.

I'm Ben.

You're Ben.

Where is Ripple?

Ripple's down there.

Okay, I'll go see him down there. Thanks a lot.

Pizza with everything.

Pizza with everything?

I didn't order pizza with everything.

What do you got in there?

Well, this is holy water.

Don't worry.

It's holy water.

Hey.

Hey.

That's whiskey.

Oh, God.

It's a miracle.

Hey, how's it going, dude?

Pssst!

Hey!

Nipple?

Ripple.

Ripple!

Look, Sam sent me.

Shhhh.

What?

I love when you dominate.

Look.

I got the stuff.

Sam gave me the stuff, and I was to contact you.

Are you ready?

- All right. - All right, all right.

Hey, didn't I meet you in Pittsburgh?

I don't think so.

You ever been in Pittsburgh?

No.

Me neither.

It must have been two other guys.

Yeah.

Let me see it.

All right, I got a little bit of this.

Huh?

And I got a little bit of that.

Let me see that.

All right, that's 25 bucks.

- What's this? - That's 35.

How much is this and that?

This and that would be 45, take away two, add time seven, take away six.

Come on.

- 14 dollars. - uh…

Okay, it's a bargain.

Take both of them, man.

You got anything else?

Yeah, I got, I got, are you ready for this?

I got some of these.

Okay, hey, hey, give me that.

Give me that.

Put that sucker back in there.

Put that sucker back in there.

All right.

You don't see these until I get the bread, all right?

Okay, I'll get the bread.

All right.

Whoa, hey, hey, you, hey, hey, don't give me…

Come on.

Oh, hey, hi.

How's it going, guys?

How's the family?

Everything?

Say hello to Sam.

[WIZARD] Your attention, please.

Terry Schlaughter please come up to

…my groovy disco booth and claim your lost wallet.

…and Terry, there was only two dollars in it.

…I swear to God, there was.

Stanley, Stanley.

No, just look the place over.

I mean, take it all in.

No, I know it's not the San Fernando valley,

but you see here, you can be whatever you want.

It's not the real world.

It's a fantasy, an illusion, a mirage.

♪ Don't imagine you're too familiar ♪

♪ And I don't see you anymore... ♪

Hey, Richie, look at that girl.

♪ I take you just the way you are ♪

Stanley?

Stanley?

Earth to Stan!

C'mon, you gotta stay with me.

Yeah, but she just smiled at me.

Look, Stanley, this is no time to be thinking about women.

Hi, honey.

Excuse me.

♪ …conversation ♪

♪ Never want to work that hard ♪

♪ I just want someone that I can talk to… ♪

Excuse me.

Did you guys see a beautiful girl with long blonde hair? Yeah.

1957.

It was 56.

Long, flowing white dress.

Tube-top and jeans.

- I remember well. Staten Island Ferry. - Uh-uh. Woodstock

How do y'all feel tonight?

[CROWD] We wanna boogie!

I didn't hear ya!

[CROWD] We wanna boogie!

Well here's the boogie man, Dave Mason!

♪ Seems I got to have a change of scene ♪

♪ 'Cuz every night I have the strangest dream ♪

♪ Imprisoned by the way it could have been ♪

♪ Left here on my own or so it seems ♪

♪ I got to leave before I start to scream ♪

♪ But someone locked the door and took the keys ♪

♪ (Feelin' all right) ♪

♪ I'm not feelin' too good myself ♪

♪ Feelin' all right ♪

♪ I'm not feelin' too good myself ♪

♪ Oh, you sure took me for one big ride ♪

♪ And even now I sit and I wonder why ♪

♪ When I think of you, I start myself to crying, girl ♪

♪ Just can't waste my time, I must keep trying ♪

♪ I gotta stop believin' in all your lies ♪

♪ 'Cause there's too much, there's too much, there's too much to do before I die ♪

♪ Feelin' all right ♪

♪ I'm not feelin' too good myself ♪

- Hi. - Hi.

Would you like to buy a ticket?

Oh, no, I have two free tickets here.

My wife is outside parking the car. She'll be right here.

Oh, no, no. See, it's orange tickets last week, green tickets this week.

They're free tickets. See, it says free tickets up here.

We're on a honeymoon.

Oh, did you just get married?

Yes.

Did you know that marriage is the suppression

of women created by a male-dominant society?

You see where it says free? It says free tickets right here. See? Free tickets.

Yeah, but Harvey told me that it's orange tickets last week, green tickets this week.

Look, they gave them to us on a game show. See? Free tickets.

Oh, wow. When did you do a game show?

Last week.

You see? Orange tickets last week, green tickets this week.

- Green tickets. How much are the tickets here?

Five dollars.

Five dollars.

Each.

- Each? - Mm-hmm.

Two five-dollar, free tickets, please.

C'mon, we should go back to the hotel.

That's without skates.

♪ (Not feelin' too good myself) ♪

♪ (Feelin' all right) ♪

♪ (Not feelin' too good myself) ♪

♪ (Feelin' all right) ♪

♪ (I'm not feelin' too good myself) ♪

[CROWD] Dave Mason! Dave Mason! Dave Mason!

Stanley, are you nuts?

Man, don't skate off like that. This is a big night.

You're gonna give me a heart attack.

Sorry. Hey, boy, you're right about this place. I'm beginning to see things.

Gringo.

What you calling me?

I saw you skating today. You're new on the side of the border, huh?

Oh, I get it. See, this is what we call the old psych-out routine.

My name is Pedro Vandalito Jose, Jose the Third. Pistol Pete for short.

The best skater in Southern California.

My clippings.

That's very impressive, but, uh, you can't skate on newspaper clippings, you know?

Yeah, why don't you bring your clippings over after

the contest and maybe I'll autograph them for you, huh? Yeah.

Stanley, you're getting the hang of it now.

Irwin.

Huh?

Listen, Irwin, I want you to take this pin.

Oh.

Ooh.

- Oh! - Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't want a pin.

Oh, but I want you to put your locker key on it,

because I read about it in Roller magazine.

Couldn't we go back to the hotel?

This time I'll try not to get sick.

Well, maybe later.

This time I'll remember to take my pantyhose off.

That would help.

Well, I'll meet you back here in exactly five minutes.

Go!

- Ah! - Oh, pardon me.

Five mintues.

Here's your sign-in sheet.

All right.

Let's see here, who do we have?

Heh, Uncle Sam!

Hey, he's over the hill.

He is the hill.

Hey, look, look, look.

Pistol Pete.

Oh, no.

Bang bang.

We can take care of his ass right now.

It's done.

It's done.

It's done.

Who's this guy, Stan Nelson?

Hey, let me see this.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Hey.

Excuse me, Ace.

I need the sign up sheets for the contestants.

Excuse me, but there ain't going to be no more contestants.

Or haven't you been listening, huh?

Jimmy, pal…

Who is this guy, Stan Nelson?

Look at how little his skates are.

Oh, he's new.

He's from the valley.

I've never seen him before.

The valley…

All they got in the valley is smog.

Hey.

Maybe.

His wheels are made out of dime.

Hey, Jimmy, pal…

Go find this Stan Nelson.

You tell him Ace and the boys would like to make his acquaintance.

Oh, gee, Ace. I…

Go!

♪ …when you hold on to me Hold on! ♪

Right now, all I want you to do is welcome the fabulous New Horizons.

♪ Ain't no stoppin' us now ♪

♪ We're on the move! ♪

♪ Ain't no stoppin' us now… ♪

Here's your pizzas.

Ripple, stop eating those hot dogs.

I'm hungry.

Well, drop them.

Ripple, I said drop them!

Down!

Pizza, please.

Wow.

Can I help you?

Ripple, here. Finish them up. I'll take care of this.

Hi, I'm the manager. Can I help you?

Are you in show business?

My cousin's sister-in-law is a personal friend of Steppenwolf's road manager.

Can I have a pizza, please?

Yeah, but it'll be a couple of minutes.

You gonna eat that pizza? I just had one.

I got enough gas to take me to Pittsburgh.

My name's Leonard Barr.

Comedian, snappy dresser, and all around good egg.

Minute I got in town, I got off on the wrong foot.

Out in the cab as a lady cab driver.

She said, how far would you like to go?

My case comes up Tuesday.

Just my luck.

I went to see Guess Who's coming to dinner twice.

I guessed wrong both times.

Can I have my pizza, please?

Ooh. Ooh!

Ooh. Ooh!

♪ Ain't no stoppin' us now ♪

♪ We're on the move! ♪

♪ I know. ♪

♪ I know. ♪

♪ Ain't no stoppin' us now ♪

♪ We've got the groove! ♪

♪ We got it. ♪

♪ I know you know someone that has a negative vow ♪

♪ …and if you're trying to make it they only push you aside. ♪

♪ They really don't have, nowhere to go. ♪

♪ Ask them where they're going ♪

♪ …they don't know. ♪

♪ But we won't let nothin' hold us back… ♪

Ohhh Pancho! Pancho, Cisco…

You don't understand that.

Oh, no, no.

Come on, have some.

- Oh, no, you see, I can… - Take it!

Maybe just one, just to be friendly.

Smooth mellow, very good.

Maybe you'd like some.

- Thatta, boy. - Mm-hmm.

Eleanor!

That's not bad shit.

♪ Ain't no stoppin' us now ♪

♪ We've got the groove! ♪

♪ We got - we've got the groove! ♪

♪ Ain't no stoppin us now - ooh no! ♪

Let's go over the routine.

Excuse me.

- You're Stan Nelson, right? - That's right.

Well, I got a message for you from the gang.

What gang?

What gang?

Where have you been?

The West Side Wheelers.

They got a message for you.

What, those guys in purple?

Yeah.

Skinny one with the beard's real cute.

Hey, it's the old psych-out routine, Richie.

Come on, let's go.

You're learning, Stanley.

Hey.

Yeah.

The guy with the beard isn't cute.

And they're all for real.

Walkin' down by a mortuary.

Undertaker said, hey, Mr, how old are ya?

I told him.

He said, hardly worth goin' home, is it?

The other day I was comin' out of a racetrack, some fella walked up behind me.

He says, hey, Mr, see any cops around?

I said, no, he says, stick him up.

Can I have my pizza, please?

I'm tellin' you, this guy's gonna try.

Come on, man.

No way is he gonna beat me.

Don't worry about it.

Is someone here lookin' for me?

Well, if it isn't Stan Nelson from the Valley.

That's right.

His name's Ace.

Undefeated Ace Johnson.

Have a seat.

Right there.

It'd be my pleasure.

How about a seat for my little sister, Suzie?

No sweat.

Let's go, let's go!

Heya, gang. How's it goin'?

Hi, beautiful.

This is the gang.

Gang, this is the Valley Boy.

Hello, gang.

Gang, this here's Richie, my manager.

Richie, this here's the gang.

Nice to see you.

- Hiya, Richie. - Hi, Richie.

Well, here we are, one big happy family.

What do you want from the bar, Valley Boy?

Cola, root beer, orange? It's on me.

Sorry, I don't do soft drinks before I skate.

Sugar's bad for the timing.

Hey, sucker!

It ain't nice to refuse Ace when he's being nice, because he ain't nice that often.

You got it!

Valley Boy doesn't know about the West Side etiquette.

See the rules on this side of town, things you gotta know.

Like number one, Skatetown is on my turf.

I make the rules, I win the contest,

I take home the trophy, the dough, and the women.

What are you afraid of?

You got all the aces, Ace.

I got the whole deck, pal.

What you got without the bullshit?

Well maybe I got a better hand.

Don't beat Aces.

Maybe I got a royal flush.

You're bluffing.

I don't bluff.

Hey, he's a real card, isn't he?

Yeah.

A regular three of clubs.

Sit down.

These guys are for real.

Sit down.

All right, go ahead, you skate tonight.

Hey, what the hell are you doing?

But if anything goes wrong, man,

don't say I didn't tell you the rules.

Hey, well, look who's here.

Hi, guys.

What the hell are you doing here, little sister? Skating.

Skating.

Oh, very funny.

Go down and sit by Frankey.

Hey, Richie, that's the girl I saw.

Okay, now what I want you to do is skate your eyes

over to the bandstand and check out the wizardly magic of the Jerry Nista Skaters.

All right!

♪ I don't know what's going happen to you, baby ♪

♪ But I do know that… ♪

You two know each other?

Yeah, well you better stop knowing each other

Yeah, everybody's getting a little too friendly around here.

Listen, Stanley, let's get out of here

These guys are for real, they're not playing a role. Come on.

Hey, Valley Boy, remember what I said about the rules?

I remember what you said, Ace

And I'm gonna break your undefeated record, and I'm gonna win.

You ain't gonna win for anybody, you got that?

- So long, handsome - Get lost!

- Hey, you gonna let him talk to you like that? - Yeah, what kind of jerk does he think he is?

Ace, just let me kill his friend, will ya?

Yeah, maybe a little pain won't do him any harm, you know?

Well, calm down, everyone

Don't worry about the Valley Boy.

We'll take care of him

Right now, I gotta go pay a visit to our pal, Harvey

You worried?

Hey, I don't get worried You get worried, I don't get worried

- Hey, I'm not worried. - Then get worried!

♪ …body down to the ground ♪

♪ Let's dance, let's shout (shout) ♪

♪ Shake your body down to the ground ♪

♪ Let's dance, let's shout (shout) ♪

♪ Shake your body down to the ground ♪

What do you think I am, a piece of meat or something, huh?

Why, I'll show you, you creep!

- What's tha meatter with you? - Eleanor! Eleanor!

Now, will you listen to me for one second?

Those guys are for real.

They are not playing a game.

Those guys are dangerous.

Oh, come on, Richie, what happened to the old, uh,

All-American hero and the guy in the red, white, and blue?

Every woman's dream, huh?

Come on, have confidence in me.

Look at this…

I've created a hero.

♪ Let's dance, let's shout (shout) ♪

♪ Shake your body down to the ground ♪

♪ Let's dance, let's shout (shout) ♪

♪ Shake your body down to the ground ♪

♪ Let's dance, let's shout (shout) ♪

♪ Shake your body down to the ground ♪

♪ Let's dance, let's shout (shout) ♪

♪ Take it over! ♪

♪ Take it over! ♪

[WIZARD] I thought they were fantastic myself.

…How about a big, big hand for the Jerry Nista Skaters?

I'm sorry, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, I'm sorry, I beg

your pardon, I'm sorry, I'm not my honeymoon, I was, I was…

Pardon me, excuse me.

Watch out, Ace, these hands can kill.

Cool it, Harvey. I just came to wish you a happy anniversary.

Thanks.

Hey, you know, Harvey. I was thinking…

It sure would be disappointing if for some stupid reason

another contestant should happen to foul up my undefeated record,

don't you think?

I know what you mean, Ace, and I assure you that what you see will be what you'll get.

Yeah, yeah, and you know, I, and also I really would hate to see these

photos fall into the hands of, say, a citizens committee or your mother.

Ace, you wouldn't do that just to win a contest, would you?

Remember, first place.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, what's this about first place?

No fix, Skinktown USA never has had a fix.

Dad, dad, dad, before you commit yourself, check these out.

Ah, that fish.

Hey, you know, are your lips parched?

Are your legs weary?

Is your stomach empty?

Do you need to have more energy?

Then why not skate over to the snack bar?

We have delicious food over there.

We have tuna fish malts and buffalo lips on toast, smiling.

All right, it'll be.

Two pieces of pizza, please.

Yeah, take one, they're small.

Next.

Anybody here form a whole sentence?

Can I have another piece of pizza, please?

Yeah, got a dollar? I'll take it.

All right.

Irwin, do I have these on right?

Yeah, they're fine, okay? Be careful.

Say, mama, you wanna skate?

Well, you see, I'm a…

You see, the fact of the matter is, that a… oh!

The fact of the matter is what?

The fact of the matter is one of those skates really wouldn't hurt.

Why don't you skate with the man?

Irwin, we're talking about our honeymoon.

We're talking about my life. Skate with him.

Come on, skate.

Come on, woman, skate.

Ah!

Stop what you're doing.

We got a special surprise, ladies and gentlemen.

The one and only, incomparable, Maurice Cook.

[CLEARS THROAT] Uh, my son, Harvey.

Good evening, and welcome to Skatetown. We hope

that your visit here will be most enjoyable…

Cut it, Mr Ross.

I believe you know Mrs. Thorndike and my husband, Murray.

Murray! Didn't I loan you my raincoat in the pussycat theater last week?

- Pussycat theater? - Little joke, Murray. Little joke.

According to our source, this is a den of iniquity of drugs, vice, and booze.

I am appalled at your insinuation.

You mean to tell me that you deny it?

I said I was appalled.

Mr. Ross, we are here to inspect your establishment and

to convince the city council to revoke your license.

Go ahead! Got ahead! Skatetown, U.S.A. has nothing to hide!

Okay, now, I know this is his first competition,

and that's why I'm offering you two to one odds.

Now, what are you in for?

No way! Gentlemen, gentlemen, two to one odds saying that my boy,

who has never been in a competition before, beats everybody else!

Now, how can you beat those odds? Now, what are you in for?

A hundred, thank you very much.

What are you guys doing?

Thank you, thank you.

Gentlemen, it was a pleasure doing business with you.

Oh, lunch money. Thank you. Take care.

The salary they pay in Las Vegas, Dean Martin,

$150,000 a week. What good is that? It ain't steady.

And they're after your money in Vegas, don't kid yourself.

There's slot machines in the toilets. If you don't win, you don't go.

Can I have my pizza, please?

♪ Roller music is the thunder beat ♪

♪ My heart is shaking the ground. ♪

♪ Roller girl, if you skate away ♪

♪ …I'll get you next time around. ♪

♪ Roller girl ♪

♪ I'd roller skate… ♪

Whoa. Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, oh, oh! Just spitting.

Oh, I'm sorry. Here you go.

Don't get it on me.

Hey, you know you're beautiful when you're angry? What's your name?

Oh, would you buzz off?

Buzz off? That's Hungarian, ain't it?

Would you get out of here, you ugly, horrible, vile, smelly old sot?

You forgot perverted.

Hey, how'd you do that?

I'm celebrating my vasectomy. Would you like a drink?

What are you spilling all over me? It's booze.

B-O-Z, booze.

♪ My heart is shaking the ground. ♪

♪ Roller girl, if you stayed away. ♪

♪ …I'll get you next time around. ♪

♪ Roller girl ♪

Booze has made my wife hate me.

It's made me lose many jobs.

It's made me sleep in a gutter.

It's made my kid hate me.

Why don't I give it one more chance?

Don't worry, it's only puppy love.

Would you like a drink?

No, no, I don't touch it. It's only prune juice.

I'm going to have to have this whole hour erased from my brain.

In all my years, I've never been so mortified.

Oh, there you are. Is everyone having a good time?

Oh, would you get out of here, you all-American, immoral little pervert?

Don't you ever call me little!

Have a pizza, a compliments of the house.

Oh, Elvira, it looks so good. And we haven't had our dinner yet.

Just a little piece?

Well, all right. You can thank Harvey Ross for us.

But please tell him that culinary bribes will

not influence our judgment in any way whatsoever.

Yes, but we're going to have some anyway.

- What do I… - Don't grab!

Have a napkin here.

Would you stop whining and hurry up and eat so we can get out of here?

Enjoy yourself.

Oh, it's good.

No luck at all. I taught my dog to eat by the sound of the bell. He ate the Avon lady.

Look, I'll take it frozen.

[WIZARD] John Sebastian's big new hit, "Roller Girl."

…Thank you, Johnny Baby.

…I'm telling you, that song'll climb right to the top of the charts with 25 bullets

…you know what I mean?

[WIZARD] In case you guys are getting a little hot out there on the rink,

…watch out for this, because this is going to be the hottest thing you've ever seen.

…It's the Hot Wheelers!

♪ (Boogie nights) ♪

♪ (Boogie nights) ♪

♪ Ain't no doubt we are here to party ♪

♪ (Boogie nights) ♪

♪ Come on now, got to get it started ♪

♪ Dance with the boogie get down (Dance with the boogie get down) ♪

♪ 'Cuz boogie nights are always the best in town ♪

♪ Got to keep on dancing, keep on dancing ♪

♪ Got to keep on dancing, keep on dancing ♪

♪ (Boogie nights) ♪

♪ Get that groove, let it take you higher ♪

♪ (Boogie nights) ♪

♪ Make it move, set this place on fire ♪

♪ Dance with the boogie get down (Dance with the boogie get down) ♪

♪ 'Cuz boogie nights are always the best in town ♪

♪ Got to keep on dancing, keep on dancing ♪

♪ Got to keep on dancing, keep on dancing ♪

♪ (Party night) ♪

♪ Can you show that you know how to do it? (Boogie nights) ♪

♪ Do it to it ♪

♪ (Party night) ♪

♪ Settle down with the sounds of the music (Groovy nights) ♪

♪ Music, music ♪

♪ (Boogie nights) ♪

♪ Feel so right when you got the feeling ♪

♪ (Boogie nights) ♪

♪ Hold it tight get to keep on dealing ♪

♪ Dance with the boogie get down (Dance with the boogie get down) ♪

♪ 'Cuz boogie nights are always the best in town ♪

- Hey, Richie, what do you think? - Huh? Pretty good.

I'll be totally honest with you. You guys are gonna kick ass.

Well, you know that isn't the problem.

We'll just kind of go through this in a process of elimination.

You know, it might be these heavy earrings

that put a lot of weight on your cerebellum.

Ow!

Well, let's check out and see how you breathe.

Test, test. This is a test.

For the next 60 seconds, this station will be

conducting a test of the emergency broadcast system.

eeeeeeeee

You know, the knee is a funny thing.

Look at that. Loose skin. You've been getting too much sun.

It's my ankle.

Hmm. Sure is.

Oh.

Tourniquet, huh? You've had this problem before.

Get rid of that.

Oh.

Don't touch me there.

Don't touch me there.

How about there?

Ohhhh, doctor!

They're landing! Johnson, they're landing!

I can see the lights!

Look out! The Cong are coming!

Quick! Lawrence Welk's got all the ammo!

Charlie's here!

Lawrence Welk is gonna take over the southern perimeters!

Everybody out!

Get your guns!

- I'm wounded! I'm wounded! - Sorry.

Sorry? Is that what you say to a wounded man?

Remind me to have you booted out of the platoon, Captain!

Everybody out!

I know he's around here fooling around with somebody.

And I'm gonna catch him. And I'm gonna break his face.

What I'm gonna do, I'm gonna hang him up in the closet and forget about him.

I'll catch him. I know he's in there somewhere.

I'm gonna find that dude and chop him.

Jimmy!

Jimmy, you rat, you!

The minute I got to the back, the boss took me to one side and left me there.

He said, listen, stupid. He always called me listen.

My pizza, please!

♪ Dance with the boogie get down ♪

♪ 'Cuz boogie nights are always the best in town ♪

♪ Got to keep on dancing, keep on dancing ♪

♪ Got to keep on dancing, keep on dancing ♪

♪ (Party night) ♪

♪ Can you show that you know how to do it? (Boogie nights)♪

♪ Do it to it ♪

♪ (Party night) ♪

♪ get on down with the sounds… ♪

Eleanor?

Eleanor! What's the password?

Murphy! Down into the tunnel, man!

Ah!

Murphy! Thank God I found you, boy!

I thought you were done in before breakfast!

Oh, I'm not M-M-M-M-Murphy!

Of course you're M-M-M-M-Murphy!

Murphy, you gotta get back to the command post.

You gotta tell him I'm wounded! Look at that! Simulated blood all over the place!

Oh, let me go!

Murphy, you're not acting like you're yourself, boy!

I got something for you here.

This is something I found in the bus depot this morning.

Come on, boy!

Bend over and show us your bum!

Oh, no! Don't do this, please. Please!

You're lucky! I usually give these in the eyeball!

Oh, no! Oh!

I know it hurts a little bit!

Oh!

No worse than a mosquito, though!

Ow!

I don't want to play anymore!

Good! Go tell 'em I'm hurt! Take off!

Next!

Here we have right now, for your entertainment

special, an extra bonus, the unknown comic!

Gimme five!

Alright, you got change for a ten?

Hey, Harvey! Baby, I got a joke for you that's gonna make your hair curl!

I heard it already!

I owe you ten bucks! What the hey!

Give Harvey a hand! Alright!

Good to see you folks! I'd like to start off

by handing out some 8x10 pictures of myself!

Here you go!

I also got pictures of me as a baby! Alright!

What is that? I'm telling you, I just flew in from Las Vegas!

What a bummer, I got airsick and nobody knew.

Here's your pizza.

- You know, they bet on anything in Vegas, you know. - Keep the change.

I'm off Wednesday mornings.

Everybody gets married in Las Vegas.

As long as they're on the street, they might as well go all the way.

I like to work in Las Vegas. You know why? You meet a lot of celebrities.

One night, Colonel Sanders was sitting right down front.

I was so impressed, I went over and licked his fingers.

What am I talking to you for? Where's the girls?

You know, it turned my stomach. Boobs on my back.

Why do they spell sex S-E-X?

Because you can't spell… I'd like to start off with

a quick impression of the first man to land on the sun.

Oh, shit.

Eleanor! Eleanor, Please!

Murphy! Good God, boy, you got away.

- Why don't you head for the squadron? - Not you again.

Please don't give me another shot.

That's just our way of saying,

at Skatetown, everything is our bag!

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop!

What? I'm the, uh, disco doctor.

Oh, get down and… Uh, is there anything, uh, wrong? Can I help you?

No, nothing wrong with me.

There must be something wrong with you.

I don't know what you mean, what's wrong with me.

My husband, James A. Ross, owns this place.

I am the owneress of this place.

I'm sorry, I just… My son, Harvey, runs the contest here.

I get all the free popcorn I want.

Skates, the shirts.

Everything I want in here, I can get for nothing.

Will you ask me if I need some help?

Please don't come down on me so.

I'm kind of a war veteran.

I, my arm came off in the war, and they put it on wrong.

I'm a little bit messed up.

You're sick! You should see your doctor.

I've got a cold, too.

Don't you…

You're disgusting!

Sorry, I'm sorry.

You get that on me!

I'm gonna find Jimmy. I'm gonna get rid of him.

Hey. Hey!

Would you relax, man? Take it easy! Yeah, yeah, all right, all right, all right.

You got everything?

Of course I got everything.

Got the mirror.

Shh, shh, shh.

Da, da, da, da, da.

Da, da, da, da, da.

Got the powder for Pistol Pete.

Powder?

Shh.

Da, da, da, da, da.

Da, da, da, da, da.

Oh, shh.

Da, da, da, da, da, da.

Powder? What the hell are you talking about, powder?

My itching powder.

Shh.

He's gonna be scratching his ass.

Oh, no!

All right, all right.

And you just made Valley Boy the number one, right? Yeah.

All right.

Frank?

Huh?

When can I kill his friend?

Later, Alphonse. Later. Later. Later.

- Later, you promise. - Yeah

All right. I swear I'm just gonna rip his heart out.

Just gonna take it.

Ah!

Yeah, well, give it to him later, Alphonse. All right?

It is now time for the first annual Skatetown USA Disco Roller Skating Contest.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Let me tell you what we've done, friends.

We put three extra coats of wax on this floor tonight, so it'd be very fast.

Tonight, this floor is thicker than my ex-wife's lawyer.

All I want you to have in your head is winning.

Win. Win.

Say it, Stanley.

Win. Win. Win. Win. Win. Win. Money. Win.

Tonight our contestants will compete in two events.

The singles and the mixed doubles.

They'll be no "mixing" during the mixed doubles, though.

Your applause will determine who our Skatetown champions will be.

You are the judges.

Okay. That's right. That's right. That's right!

The only way Harvey would do it.

You are the judges because you're my friends,

because you're the ones helping with the rent.

Now, friends, we got a long night ahead of us, so let's begin.

Our first contestant in the singles competition

is one of Skatetown's old favorites, Uncle Sam.

Come on, Uncle Sam. Show us you really are over the hill.

[WIZARD] This is the wizard, saying…

…boy, what an idiot that guy is!

Thank you, Uncle Sam!

And our thanks to Gerald Ford for the choreography!

Friends, patriotism is not dead!

It's on a ten minute break!

Hey, my name is Pistol Pete, but you can

call me almost anything you please, you know?

You probably feel my essence just sitting right here, you know?

Most women I come in, they immediately, they want me, they want me!

You're a kind of cute kind of girl, you know?

Maybe later I'll let you play with my pistolas, huh? You know what I mean?

Hey, I'm talking with a lady here, can't you see?

Hey, man, man, I know, I know, but I just wanted to come

by and wish you all the luck in the world, you know?

And as they say in the show business, break a leg, and I mean that!

Hey, thank you very much!

All right!

More, more powder to you, baby!

Power, power to you!

Come on, just go out there, do a good job!

Hey, you know those guys are okay!

Let us welcome another of our Skatetown regulars,

our south of the border regular, Pistol Pete!

Hey, that's me! You know you stand up there

and I kill them. We talk later, señorita, OK?

Ha ha!

♪ (Bamba la bamba) ♪

♪ (Bamba la bamba) ♪

♪ (Bamba la bamba) ♪

♪ (Bamba la bamba) ♪

♪ (Bamba la bamba) ♪

♪ (Bamba la bamba) ♪

♪ (Bamba la bamba) ♪

♪ (Bamba la bamba) ♪

♪ Para bailar la bamba ♪

♪ Para bailar la bamba se necesita ♪

♪ …una poca de gracia ♪

♪ Una poca de gracia yo ta cosita, arriba y arriba ♪

♪ Ai arriba y arriba y arriba perde ♪

♪ Yo no soy habanera ♪

♪ Yo no soy habanera por ti seré ♪

♪ …por ti seré por ti seré ♪

♪ Bamba la bamba bamba ♪

♪ Bamba la bamba bamba la bamba ♪

♪ Bamba ba la bamba bamba ♪

♪ Bamba la bamba bamba la bamba ♪

♪ Bamba la bamba bamba la bamba ♪

♪ Bamba la bamba bamba la bamba ♪

♪ Bamba la bamba bamba la bamba ♪

♪ Bamba la bamba bamba la bamba ♪

It's not nice-a to mess-a with the Ace.

What'd that guy order?

Pizza.

Better turn up the oven.

Where's the oven?

It's over there.

[WIZARD] Arthur Baumgardner

You discard this, Jack.

[WIZARD] …your pantyhose have been found,

…and they're now standing in the corner of the snack bar. Thank you.

Those refried beans will get you every time, won't they?

Our next contestant is Ace.

Hey, go get him, Ace!

Send your regards to Broadway.

Eleanor! Eleanor, I thought I lost you forever.

Oh, Irwin!

What's that in your hair?

Oh, it's a comb.

Where'd you get it?

Donald gave it to me.

Donald?

Irwin!

Later, later.

Irwin! Irwin!

Call it.

Heads.

You lose.

Double or nothing.

Alright.

[WIZARD] Attention, skaters, a word of caution:

…the chef has just informed me that tonight's

…pizza contains a high grade of pepperoni.

…So remember, no splits or playing leapfrog, please.

Our final contestant in the singles is new to Skatetown.

Let's get your mask.

Get out there and show them what you got.

Come on.

Friends, let us welcome our new first time here to Skatetown, Stan Nelson!

Oh, boy! Stan Nelson!

♪ Body (body), wanna feel my body (wanna feel my body) ♪

♪ Body (baby), such a thrill, my body (such a thrill, my body) ♪

♪ Body (yeh yeh), wanna touch my body (wanna touch my body) ♪

♪ Body (baby), it's too much, my body (it's too much, my body) ♪

♪ Body (yeh yeh), check it out, my body (check it out, my body) ♪

♪ Body (baby), don't you doubt, my body (don't you doubt, my body) ♪

♪ Body (yeh yeh), talking about my body (talking about my body) ♪

♪ Body (well), checking out my body (listen here) ♪

♪ Every man wants to be a macho, macho man ♪

♪ To have the kind of body always in demand ♪

♪ Joggin' every morning, go man go ♪

♪ Workout in the health spa, muscles grow ♪

♪ You can best believe that he's a macho man ♪

♪ Ready to get down with anyone he can ♪

♪ Hey! Hey… ♪

C'mon, Valley Boy. C'mon!

♪ Macho, macho man (macho man, yeah) ♪

♪ I got to be a macho man (I got to be a) ♪

♪ Macho, macho man (yeah) ♪

♪ I got to be a macho (oowh) ♪

♪ Macho, macho man (yeah) ♪

♪ I got to be a macho man ♪

♪ Macho, macho man (yeah) ♪

♪ I got to be a macho ♪

♪ Body (body), it's so hot, my body (it's so hot, my body) ♪

♪ Body (baby), love to pump my body (love to pump my body) ♪

♪ Body (yeah yeah), love to please my body (love to please my body) ♪

♪ Body (baby), don't you tease my body (don't you tease my body) ♪

♪ Body (yeah), you'll adore my body (you'll adore my body) ♪

♪ Body (baby), come explore my body (come explore my body) ♪

♪ Body (yeah yeah), made by God, my body (made by God, my body) ♪

♪ Body (baby), it's so good, my… ♪

There's Charlie.

I'll blast him to Brazil.

No, you fool. I want him alive.

♪ …always look so boss ♪

♪ Funky with his body, he's a king ♪

♪ Call him Mister Ego, dig his chains ♪

♪ You can best believe that, he's a macho man ♪

♪ He likes to be the leader, he never dresses grand ♪

Oh, that hurt.

♪ …hey, hey, hey! ♪

♪ Macho, macho man (macho man, yeah) ♪

♪ I've got to be, a macho man (I've got to be a) ♪

♪ Macho, macho man (yeah) ♪

♪ I've got to be a macho! ♪

Wasn't that too much?

Oh, boy, let's give a big hand to all of our contestants.

Okay, all the contestants.

Thank you.

It's a shame that I can only pick one winner from these four great contestants.

But, friends, the loudest and the longest applause

went to Skatetown, still undefeated champion…

Ace Johnson.

Way to go, Ace!

Hey, no thanks to you.

Listen, you better take care of the doubles or else.

We'll go double or nothing on the next event.

What do you say? Double or nothing.

What do you think?

Go for it.

Hey!

[WIZARD] I've been asked to announce that the fire marshal has asked me to say,

…please, no more than 426 people in line for pizza. Thank you.

Where'd you go, honey?

Thanks.

Me next.

Stanley, you won that by a long shot.

Don't worry about it.

I'll win the doubles.

Look, Claudine Longet.

Where?

Over there!

I thought that'd work.

Hey, beauty.

Kiss off, turkey.

Hey, come on, what'd I do?

You're a cheat.

Hey, come on. Will you hold on a second? It's not me, it's Ace.

He'll do anything to win this contest. That's why I'm here.

I'm here to apologize to you.

You are such a fox.

Hey, uh, can I get you anything?

Um, 7-Up and pizza?

Hmm. Yeah.

Carl Malden.

This is a groovy car, Frankey.

- You like it? - Yeah.

Yeah… Yeah, I like it too.

I wonder whose it is.

[WIZARD] It's the wizard again

…and if you can't see me, it's because it's magic.

…And here's a little more magic with Dave Mason singing, "I Fell in Love."

♪ Fly like the hawk ♪

♪ And run like the deer ♪

♪ And answer the question ♪

♪ That I have always feared ♪

♪ I fell in love ♪

♪ I fell in love ♪

♪ Over you (over you) ♪

♪ (over you) ♪

♪ Over you (over you) ♪

♪ (over you) ♪

♪ The sound of your beating heart ♪

♪ …is pounding in my brain ♪

♪ The nights that we've spent in love ♪

♪ …are living, just the same. ♪

♪ I fell in love ♪

♪ I fell in love ♪

♪ Over you ♪

♪ Fly like the hawk ♪

♪ And run like the deer ♪

♪ Answer the questions ♪

♪ I have always feared ♪

♪ I fell in love ♪

♪ I fell in love ♪

♪ I fell in love ♪

♪ Over you (over you) ♪

♪ Over you (over you) ♪

♪ Over you (over you) ♪

♪ Over you (over you) ♪

♪ Ooh ooooooh ♪

Everything's set.

Frankey's taking care of the Valley Boy's sister.

So there ain't no way that little twerp is gonna enter this competition.

All right.

Hey, you wanna piece?

- Another one? - I'm hungry.

- Okay. - Okay.

Hey, we're Susan, Richie.

We're almost on.

I thought she was with you.

Is this…

What?

This is a good pizza.

Our next contestant is Ace and his partner Charlene.

♪ Under my thumb ♪

♪ …there's a girl who once had me down ♪

♪ Under my thumb ♪

♪ …a lady who once pushed me around ♪

♪ It's down to me ♪

♪ …oh, yes it is ♪

♪ The diff'rence in the clothes she wears–down to me ♪

♪ …the change has come, she's under my thumb ♪

♪ Oh, ain't it the truth, babe? ♪

♪ Under my thumb ♪

♪ …is a squirming dog who's just had her day ♪

♪ Under my thumb ♪

♪ …a girl who has just changed her ways ♪

♪ It's down to me ♪

♪ (it's down to me) ♪

♪ …the way she does just what she's told ♪

♪ Down to me ♪

♪ …the change has come, she's under my thumb ♪

♪ She's under my thumb ♪

♪ It's down to me ♪

♪ (it's down to me) ♪

♪ …the way she talks when she's spoken to ♪

♪ Down to me ♪

♪ …change has come, she's under my thumb ♪

♪ (Hey whatcha got on…your mind?) ♪

♪ Under my thumb ♪

♪ …there's a Siamese cat of a girl ♪

♪ Under my thumb ♪

♪ …she's the sweetest little pet in the world ♪

♪ It's down to me ♪

♪ (it's down to me) ♪

♪ …the way she talks when she's spoken to ♪

♪ Down to me ♪

♪ …change has come, she's under my thumb ♪

♪ (under my thumb) ♪

♪ ain't it the truth, babe? ♪

♪ (under my thumb) ♪

♪ (under my thumb) ♪

Okay, knock it off, knock it off.

Our final contestants are Stan Nelson and his sister, Susan.

Okay, Stan and Susan, where are ya?

Have you seen Stan and Susan?

Here it comes again.

Zoooooooooom

Okay, Stan and Susan.

If this is your impression of the invisible

man and invisible woman, we can't see it.

This is humiliating.

All right, I'll call it off.

As I said, earlier…

Our final contestants…

…this is the last call for the final contestants.

Oh, okay, here they are.

Stan and Susan Nelson.

What's going on?

You should've let me take care of 'em.

- You were supposed to take care of 'em, man. - I would!

Hey, they won't do anything.

I mean, they haven't rehearsed.

♪ I've seen a lot of people take the floor. ♪

♪ But you, baby you're a sight for sore eyes. ♪

Ace made me

take you out here so that you couldn't

skate in the doubles.

♪ I know before the night is through ♪

♪ …I'll get to see what you can do. ♪

♪ Are you a lover or just a perfect dancer? ♪

♪ Do you go deeper, baby? ♪

♪ What's the answer? ♪

♪ Are you a lover or just a perfect dancer?♪

♪ I wanna do it all with you. ♪

Frankey…

It takes a big man to admit a mistake.

♪ My mind is telling me that I can't wait♪

♪ Oooh, there's thunder, wait for lightning? ♪

♪ I need someone like you around ♪

♪ …someone who know how to get down. ♪

♪ You are magic, the way you move, ♪

♪ …and I'll do anything to prove if you're a lover or just a ♪

♪ …perfect dancer. ♪

♪ Do you go deeper, baby? ♪

♪ What's the answer? ♪

♪ Are you a lover or just a perfect dancer?♪

♪ I wanna do it all with you. ♪

What a pleasant surprise! I thought you were still on vacation.

You know, your eyes play tricks on you with this light.

I didn't recognize you. You didn't see me, did you?

Did I see you? Did I see you? How could I miss you?

That's all right, James. I've known all along you were too much man for one woman.

Well, that's right.

You know why I've known?

How? How?

Because I'm too much woman for one man. Yes, yes, yes.

Now, most of you definitely start from childhood. My case was interesting.

I came from poor and poverty-stricken people.

No food in the house, no rugs on the floor, no paint on the walls.

Then came the depression.

Can I have some pizza, please?

Oh, yeah. Uh, that'll be a dollar. Here's one right here.

Here, I got it. Here you are. Right there. Right there. Here you are, pal.

Send some up to my apartment. 3-D.

You got it.

See how old he was?

Who?

- That guy. - What guy?

Yeah, well, how about all these trips you've been on?

Oh, those trips to Newark to see my mother?

Yeah.

They were not to see my mother, James. I was just jiving.

No, no. That's right. No, James. But that's all right. I understand.

Look, don't tell Harvey.

No, no.

He's not too much up on contemporary relationships.

No, no. You can't tell Harvey.

James.

Yes?

You're still the greatest, though.

I know.

That's the end of our competition and the start of our award ceremony.

First, the winner in the singles, as we all know, is Ace!

I had a talk with Mom, and we've come to an understanding.

So the contest is fair and square.

Fair and square.

Okay. Hey, Dad. Why don't you award the last trophy?

In the mixed doubles, the longest, loudest applause went to Stan and Susan Nelson!

Hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute, Valley Boy!

Come on, Ace, leave him alone.

Hey, I wasn't gonna do nothing. I just wanted to come over and

congratulate him on his victory. Say there's no hard feelings.

Thanks, Ace.

Of course.

All this means is that you won a contest, and I won a contest.

We're even. Still doesn't decide who's best in the city.

So right now, right in front of everybody here at Skatetown,

I'd like to challenge you to a race down the pier.

To decide who's number one.

All right, Stan. This has gone far enough.

Now listen to me. You won the doubles. Let's get the hell out of here.

Hey, looks like Valley Boy's scared.

Hey, you can't be a coward and be number one.

Okay, I'll make you a deal, Ace. I'll meet you on the pier.

And if I lose, you can have the trophy.

But if I win, you gotta leave Allison alone.

I can't believe this. Skates with motors on them, huh?

I can't leave you alone for five minutes.

So you took care of him?

Of course I took care of him. Check your brake.

When he pulls that sucker.

Splash.

Hey, Valley Boy. You know the rules.

The first one to cut their engines is a chicken.

Okay, chicken.

Hey, hey, cut out the crap Will you? We're here to find

out who the greatest skater in Skatetown is.

Let's start the race. Cut out the crap.

I brought Doc along in case anybody gets hurt.

Yeah.

I'm gonna start the race.

Yeah. And anybody that cheats gets this:

Okay, let's start the race. Ready, set, go!

Yeah!

I almost ate it, didn't I?

Yeah.

You okay? Yeah.

Don't tell any of the guys, okay? I won't.

I won't tell a soul. Just do one thing. You gotta leave Allison alone.

Oh, I will, man. Look, I will. You're all right, man. The Valley Boy is all right.

You know, I just don't believe you. I insult you and

I cheat you and, man, I even try to kill you, man.

And then you go and save my life.

Why?

Well, I'm the hero.

I told you Skatetown is a place of fantasy and a place of magic.

Hey, nobody leaves here the same as when they came in. Just take a look.

♪ Whoop, whoop Uh-huh ♪

♪ Do you wanna get down? ♪

♪ Beep beep yeah ♪

♪ Whoop, whoop Uh-huh ♪

♪ Do you wanna get down? ♪

♪ Beep beep yeah ♪

♪ Skatetown a new place to boogie ♪

♪ …put on your dancing wheels. ♪

♪ Everybody get down ♪

♪ …and glide to the rhythm. ♪

♪ See how good it feels to be in ♪

♪ …Skatetown, (the capitol of disco) ♪

♪ …hometown of rock and rollin' on the dance floor. ♪

♪ Slide! ♪

♪ It's time to play now, come on down to ♪

♪ …Skatetown U.S.A. ♪

♪ (Skatetown) this girl can do it every night. ♪

♪ (Skatetown) Dancing under crystal light. ♪

♪ (Skatetown) Ooh, I like the way it feels. ♪

♪ (Skatetown) I've got to spend my life on wheels. ♪

♪ Everybody 'cuz it's time to groove (get up) ♪

♪ Everybody let your body move ♪

♪ Turn, turn, turn to the music. ♪

♪ Can't you feel it? Everybody ♪

♪ Burn, burn, burn with the rhythm of the drum. ♪

♪ Do you wanna get down? ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh-hoo. ♪

♪ Whoop, whoop Uh-huh ♪

♪ Do you wanna get down? ♪

♪ Beep beep yeah ♪

♪ Skatetown a new place to boogie ♪

♪ …put on your dancing wheels. ♪

♪ Everybody get down ♪

♪ …and glide to the rhythm. ♪

♪ See how good it feels to be in ♪

♪ …Skatetown, (the capitol of disco) ♪

♪ …hometown of rock and rollin' on the dance floor. ♪

♪ Slide! ♪

♪ It's time to play now, come on down to ♪

♪ …Skatetown U.S.A. ♪

Jimmy!

[WIZARD] Remember, kids, we've got Skatetown USAs opening up all over the country.

…We're gonna have 'em in Texas, South Dakota, Nebraska, New Jersey,

…Louisiana, Oregon, Kentucky, Zimbabwe, Rhodesia,

…and the corner of Ninth and Olive. Okay!

♪ (Skatetown) I've got to spend my life on wheels. ♪

♪ (Skatetown) Oh, I do it every night. ♪

♪ (Skatetown)… ♪

And that's the end of our story.

So you see, everyone finds romance when they're dancing in a trance…

…shakin' in their pants and takin' a chance.

So thanks for coming tonight, and thanks for being part of our fantasy.

And remember, it's all just make-believe.

Quiet or I'll drop the place right now!