Original subtitles

Well, Lorne, it’s been a great six years but---

it’s time for me to move on.

So, this is really your Last show?

That’s right.

You’re really leaving us, Dennis?

Yes, this is it.

Are you sure?

Yes, sir.

You’re not going to come back every week and hang out

on the set like Lovitz, are you?

(Laughter)

No, no, I’m really going, Lorne.

Because that would really be pathetic.

No.

I mean, the man has no life.

This is definitely my last show.

I mean, thank God every now and then he gets a movie.

Well, I’m serious, this is it for me.

Well, okay, is there anything special you’d like to do

for your last show?

Really?

Anything, Dennis, you name it.

I’ve always wanted to say live from New York,

it’s Saturday night.

Well, there’s the camera, be my guest.

Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

That was great.

Well---

(Laughter)

we’re going to miss you, Dennis.

Yeah, I’ll miss you two, Lorne.

Well, time to start show.

Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

(Music) (Cheers and applause)

It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey

Phil Hartman

Jane Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Dennis Miller

Mike Myers

and Kevin Nealon

With Chris Farley

Tim Meadows

Chris Rock

Julia Sweeney

and featuring Rob Schneider

David Spade

GE Smith and the Saturday Night Live band

musical guest Elvis Costello

And starring George Wendt.

(Music)

Ladies and gentlemen, George Wendt.

(Loud cheers and applause)

Thank you.

OK.

Thanks very much.

I just want to say that it’s terrific to be here hosting

Saturday night live, of course, especially when we have such

an important person in the audience.

Now last week, she addressed to Congress,

she even attended a professional baseball game.

I’m speaking of course, of the queen of England,

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you so much for being here, thank you.

(Laughter and applause)

OK, thank you.

OK, we got some really funny stuff on the show tonight.

My favorite sketch is this one about cowboy dancing.

What happens is, you see, guys, well maybe,

maybe I could illustrate it a little better

with her majesty here.

(Cadril music)

(Applause)

You get the idea, anyway.. Now, before we start the show,

I’d like to say that this truly the most fun I ever had.

The only thing that ever comes close at all is the time

when I was in high school, I was on the wrestling team.

I was wrestling this guy for the state championship, see, wait,

your majesty, where are you going?

Come on, we got to show these guys about

my wrestling championship, come on.

(Laughter)

I grab the guy and I took him around---

(Woman screaming)

I’m spinning---

(Woman screaming)

He wouldn’t let go, he wouldn’t let go finally,

I managed to work my fingers free.

(Loud noise)

And the guy just went flying.

It was great but I think tonight is going to be even better

because we’ve got Elvis Costello, so, stick around---

(Loud cheers and applause)

we will be right back.

(Loud cheers and applause)

OK, kids,

Who wants to play badminton?

(Both kids) Not badminton again.

How about fireworks?

(Both) Yeah!

(Man speaking) Charge! (Trumpet sound)

It’s the Little General to the rescue.

(Woman speaking) When it’s time for fun, we make sure we have plenty

of little general fireworks on hand, because Little General

makes the kind of firecrackers, cherry bombs,

and M80s that the whole family can enjoy.

Fire one.

(Explosion)

Little general packs 30% more gunpowder for a big bang

and my kids like that.

(Music)

(Explosion)

Yeah!

Versatile, dependable, and safe.

Little general fireworks turns any weekend

into the 4th of July.

Yes!

And little general misfires, synch and sulfur burns

are a thing of the past.

And as a mother, I feel good about that.

(Explosion)

You guys.

Little General Fireworks, a big bang for the whole family.

Fireworks may not be legal in your area.

For the Little General distributor in your state

call 1800 kaboom.

Restrictions do not apply in Hawaii or Nevada.

(Applause)

(Crickets)

(Yelling) None of the furniture is here, this place is starting to feel

more like a home.

Honey, you don’t have to yell, I’m only 1 foot away,

Oh, sorry, hey, let me get to stray for you,

No, Jerry, no, let me do it.

Nonsense.

(Metal and broken dishes sound)

* Is it far, far away or just close by, it all looks the same, *

* when seen from the eye of the guy they call *

* Mr. No depth perception. *

* He can’t explain (Birds twitter) *

* why it to his brain, *

* it all looks like a two dimensional thing. *

* He’s Mr. No depth perception. *

(Man speaking) Tonight’s episode,

The dinner party.

He’s on the green.

Yeah, but why is he using his putter,

he’s got to be at least 200 yards from the whole.

Dinner’s on, boys.

Brenda cold and she said her and her date were running late

so, we should start without them.

(Yelling) OK, honey, smells great.

You guys, this is a great location,

are you pretty much moved in now?

Yeah, just about, we---

(Laughter)

we have one more truckload

and they have to deliver.

Oh, let me get that for you.

(Laughter)

Jerry, you know what?

I’ve got a lighter right here, I can do it myself.

Oh, OK, I get it, one of those feminists, all right.

OK.

(Laughter)

So Mike, Nita tells me you got a new hobby.

That’s right, skydiving.

I’d like to try that sometime.

No, Jerry.

No skydiving.

Oh, come on, don’t be a worry wart.

I think it’s a lot of fun.

You know, just ground coming up at you,

pulling that ripcord at just the right time.

(Breaks bottle) (Laughter)

Jerry, would you pass me of roll, please.

Oh, sure.

(Laughter)

Here, you go.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, is that Brenda I hear pulling up?

Oh, probably, let me check.

(Breaks window) (Laughter)

Yep, it looks like her.

(Doorbell rings)

Come on in, Brenda, it’s open.

Hi, everybody.

Hi there.

This is my boyfriend, Gary.

Hi, everyone.

Hi, Gary, how are you?

Sit down.

Oh, this looks delicious.

Let me get another plate.

I can’t believe Brenda is dating this loser.

(Laughter)

Well, you know, she’s off the right,

I bet he’s got money or something.

Jerry.

What?

Oh, relax, he can’t hear me way down there.

(Laughter)

That Brenda is a real looker, huh?

I bet she had a boob job.

(Laughter)

Now, we had a little thing going on last summer, me and her.

Nice.

Nice.

(Laughter) (Truck horn)

That must be the moving truck,

I better get out there.

All righty, here we go.

Where did Jerry go?

Oh, he said he’d be right back, something about a moving truck

or something.

(Shakes dishes)

Oh, no.

Alright, back, come here...plenty of room---

(Loud noise) (Women screaming)

* He’s Mr. No Depth Perception. *

(Loud cheers and applause)

Hello, welcome to another edition

of Bill Swirsky SuperFan.

I’m Bob Swirsky, sitting in for my brother, Bill,

who is still recovering from that dreadful heart attack,

with me is always our super fan, Pat Arnold.

Hey,Bob.

Karl Walarsky.

Hey Bob.

And Pat O’connor.

How are you, Bob?

Really good, real good. (Laughter)

Once again, we’re coming to you from Dickus restaurant,

in the heart of Chicago, the city of the big shoulders,

home to a certain team, which come January will run roughshod

over the competition in Super Bowl 26,

a team that is known as, the Bears.

(Together) The Bears.

(Soft laughter and applause)

Why, are we so blessed!

Well, we’ll get to that later, Todd, but first off,

we’re getting ready to enjoy today’s basketball game, folks

in which the Detroit Pistons are going to run

into a certain team, from a certain town,

known for its Polish Sausage, and soon to be known

as the home of, the Bulls.

(Together) The Bulls.

OK, some predictions from the sports fans on today’s game.

Pat?

Bulls 149- 23

Karl

Bulls 149 -52

Ok, some difference of opinion there between you guys.

Pat?

Bulls 402 - zip.

Ok, but Michael Jordan will be held to under 200 points.

Pat, 100 points is to record.

Was.

The Bulls

(Together) The Bulls.

All right. As you know,

basketball is a pleasant diversion,

but, let’s get back to a more serious topic,

The Bears.

( Together) The Bears.

Now, when we were last privileged to observe the bears,

they were playing the Giants in the postseason.

Final score of that game was 31-3.

And I shan’t say who won.

Pat?

What happened?

I think it’s pretty obvious, Coach Dick had his mind

on more important things.

There was a war on, my friend.

That’s right, our boys were overseas.

(Soft laughter)

Dicka was probably busy helping Schwartzkopf.

Yeah, like that Hail Mary.

Tell me that, and I’ll Ditka’s name all over.

Uh huh, absolutely, absolutely.

Did you guys order the nachos or the beers?

The beers.

(Together) The beers.

You know, gentlemen,

I mean, not even watched the basketball game today.

I me turn my attention to the Indianapolis 500.

Well, at least the outcome of that is in question.

Who do you gentlemen like in a race?

Not a favorite, Rick Meers, AJ Foyt, Gary Bethenhausen.

I like Meers.

Meers Meers.

(Together) Rick Meers.

Now, what if the bears entered the Indianapolis 500?

What would you predict would be the outcome, huh?

How will they compete?

Well, let’s say they rode together on a big bus.

Is Dick driving?

Of course.

(Laughter)

Then I like the Bears.

Sure.

Yeah, I got to go with the Bear bus.

(Together) The Bear bus.

The bus full of bears.

I don’t know, you know why, I may still have to go with Meers,

you know, but you guys figure it out.

That’s all right, Pat.

There are no easy questions in this life, my friend

except for one, that of course,

retaining the triumphant party in next year’s Super Bowl.

I know of whom you speak.

Let’s just say that the winner shall be a certain team

from a certain Midwestern Town, that starts with a C

and end with an O and in the middle, hicag.

(Laughter)

You know, believe it or not, Bob,

according to the odds makers, San Francisco is favorite

to win the Super Bowl.

San Francisco, huh?

Well, you know who’s going to the happy about that, then huh?

The Queers.

(Together) The Queers.

(Laughter)

Well, we’ll see you next week.

Know, what if the Bears had entered the prickness.

(Cross speaking)

(Cheers and applause)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking) And now, Weekend Update

with anchorperson, Dennis Miller.

(Wild cheers and applause)

Well, thank you, good evening and what can I tell you.

President Bush reported that he shed 10 pounds

in the last three weeks and hopes to lose

approximately another 165 pounds by November 1992.

(Laughter)

President Bush’s thyroid medication treatment

has been causing him to participate in an odd manner,

as at this week’s farm subsidy association lunch.

He screamed out in agony after jamming an entire celery

stalk into his right here.

(Laughter)

Elizabeth the second, queen of England

visited the United States this week and was protected

at a press conference by a three tiny Buckingham palace guards

who travel with her everywhere she goes.

(Soft laughter)

Senator Kennedy listened to the queen’s address to Congress

on Thursday and racked his brain during her speech on

what line he could use to hit on her with later.

(Laughter and applause)

And in the land of Oz this week, President Bush needs a heart,

Quayle needs a brain, Ted needs some courage,

and the wizard’s got a plane

that will take them all to Kansas,

or anywhere they’d like.

(Cheers and applause)

Henry Kissinger flipped out this week on the CBS Morning News

and began revealing the secret occasion of the missile silos

in the Midwestern United States.

(Laughter)

An additional 47.5 hours of president Nixon’s Watergate tapes

will be made public this summer,

said the national archives this week.

The tapes do well, Nixon may be coming out with a new album

in the fall.

(Laughter)

This state, General Norman Schwarzkopf,

got into some hot water speaking to the West Point cadet core,

he called Pentagon insiders who criticize the army

"Military fairies."

A phrase which offended some of the gay and lesbian community.

Here to clarify his meaning, is General Norman Schwarzkopf.

Welcome, general.

(Cheers and applause)

Well, thank you, Dennis.

Let me say right of, when I use the term Fairy,

I was speaking colloquially.

Where I grew up, a New Jersey, the word fairy

is oftenfairy substituted for other terms.

For instance, on my block, Staten Island fairy is called

the Staten Island gay boy.

(Laughter)

And of course, we all believed in the tooth faggot.

(Laughter and applause)

Let’s not forget, let’s not let this minor incident diminish

the fact that our combined forces kicked some Iraqi butt.

Hell, we got the damn thing on videocassette.

Those Iraqis were lucky I had an army, because if I didn’t,

I would have been forced to go over there myself and personally

beat that tar out of each and every individual that came

within my parameter.

And I’ll tell you one more thing, I want Holyfield.

(Yelling) I want Holyfield.

I show you what these guns can do in the middle East,

now I’m going to show what they can do in the ring.

This summer, Atlantic City, the Taj Mahal,

Holyfield - Schwarzkopf.

It’s a war on the shore. (Cheers and applause)

I will win and prevail.

Evander, you’re going down, sir.

M3, I am the greatest, you will take your punishment.

(Loud cheers and applause)

General Norman Schwarzkopf, folks.

I need one of those spit shields from the salad bar.

(Laughter and applause)

Spike Lee and Anthony Quinn post at the Cannes film festival

in the south of France this week where they announced

to do a new film together called

the Nike high tops of the fishermen.

(Laughter)

And the U.S. army is setting stricter standards

for the testing of each aircraft.

Here, a black hawk UH60L helicopter is asked to cough.

(Laughter and applause)

You know, in the past few weeks, there’s been speculation that

President Bush will drop vice President Dan Quayle

from the republican ticket and replace him

with Colin Powell, giving Mr. Powell the chance to become

the country’s first black vice president.

More on this story from Saturday Night Live news correspondent,

please wellcome, Chris rock, Chris?

(Loud cheers and applause)

Thank you, Dennis.

Now as you know, there’s a lot of talk about

a black vice president

and I just want to tell the world

that it won’t happen.

As long as you leave, you’ll never see

a black vice president, you know why, because

some black guy would just kill the president.

That’s why.

I would do it.

If Colin Powell was vice president,

I would kill the president and tell his mother about it, OK?

Now what would happen to me?

What would they do?

What are they going to do? Put me in jail?

With a bunch of black guys that will treat me

like a hero for the rest of my life?

(Laughter)

I would be the biggest are in jail, man.

Guys will be coming over to me, I’d be signing autographs,

97-KY, here you go.

(Laughter)

And guys would go, hey, man,

you’re the brother that shot Bush.

And you told his mother about it, huh?

Yo, I hope my children turn up to be just like you, man.

You know, I was getting ready to rape you

until I realized who you were.

(Laughter)

And even if they have a death penalty,

even if they had a death penalty, what would happen?

I would just get pardon by the black president.

(Laughter)

So as you can see, Dennis, it would not be in George Bush’s

best interests to place Colin Powell in the ticket.

Thanks a lot, Dennis.

Chris Rock, folks.

(Cheers and applause)

Good work, man.

(Cheers and applause)

This is CS Taylor Burt Jr., President of the Burk

and Herbert bank and trust company of Alexander,

Virginia,

appearing before a house subcommittee hearing with

Harvey, who Burke says, is his pet parrot

and constant companion.

Now here’s the guy I want to turn my life savings over two,

huh?

And my lawyer is the Tucan from the fruit loops box.

(Laughter)

Super Bowl champion, New York Giants coach, Bill Parcells

is leaving his job as head coach of the team.

Parcells told the press that he told the guys not to dump

Gatorade on him again, they went ahead and did it so he’s gone.

(Laughter)

I don’t know, is it just me or is anybody else getting

a Damien Thing off this Willy Smith pic.

(Laughter)

And the popular new show, 60 minutes,

entered the merchandising market this week.

Shown here, is 60 minutes anchor Mike Wallace

blowing up the inflatable Harry Resiner doll.

(Laughter)

Well, this is my last show,

I want to thank all the people I work with.

You couldn’t ask for a nicer group of people.

And I want to thank all of you.

It’s been my real privilege to work here

and I’ll miss it a lot.

Guess, that’s all the news and I am out of here.

(News music theme) (Cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Man speaking) From NBC studios in Burbank California.

It’s time for The Carsenio show.

Starring, Carsenio.

(Music)

And now let’s bang a gong and shake that groove thing

for your party maestro, because here is---

Carsenio.

(Cheers and applause)

(Crowd) Whop, whop, whop!

( inaudible )

(Cheers and applause)

All right, all right, that’s all right, this is fun,

(Loud cheers)

This is, uhm---

This is wild stuff.

(Laughter)

Do you see this, Ed, you just do this, you go whoop, whoop,

(Cheers) Whop, whop, whop!

and they go crazy.

It’s just wild, weird, staff.

Yes.

(Laughter and applause)

Just Whoop, whoop, whoop, and that’s it.

All right, all right, my name is Carsenio

and this is going to be a party.

(Loud cheers and applause)

You are correct, sir, yes.

(Laughter )

Now, let me ask the folks something.

Have you ever notice how white guys hold themselves down there?

What is that about?

(Cheers)

I mean, what are they holding down there, anyway?

Do you ever notice the way white people dance, is that wild?

Is that good?

Yes.

They simply have got no rhythm.

OK, OK, OK, everybody chill.

(Laughter)

Now, some of you may have heard rumors to the effect

that I was sort of, on my way out.

Well, I had a talk with the network and let’s just say,

this homeboy intends to be around for a while.

(Speaking loud) Not going anywhere.

(Cheers and applause)

All right,, all right, all right, now,

we made a few changes in a few little tweaks here and there.

And I got to shoot in a few other things,

I had this finger elongated.

(Laughter and applause)

If you’re around 29 years, you shouldn’t be afraid to make

a few adjustments for the young people.

Young America, yes, sir.

(Laughter)

Ed, Ed, if you notice, look who’s hanging out

in the doghouse tonight.

My man, Tom Kite.

(Laughs)

He is kicking butt on the PGA tour.

(Cheers and applause)

All right, all right, all right, we’ve got some

critical guests and Doc, you want to give me

a bass groove over there.

Nice, that is sweet, that is serious.

That is sweet stuff, all right, my man Oshansey, lay one down.

That is nice.

(Music and cheers)

Buddy Hackett is in my house.

(Cheers)

Right here.

Joan Ambry is in my house.

(Cheers and applause)

All right, we got a hot one, so let’s get down to business.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Man speaking) Right after Carsenio, stay up for Ed Mcmahon’s Party Machine.

Tonight, Elbib Devo.

Ed Mcmahon’s party machine.

Yes.

(Music)

All right, all right, that is nice, we are back.

Boy, did they sound fine, that is my posse, Ed.

Yes, sir.

Did you know that?

It’s not called a band anymore, it’s called a posse,

weird wild stuff.

That it is, sir, yes. (Laughs)

A posse, a posse, I did not know that.

I did not know that.

(Laughter)

Now, some of you at home might not understand some of these

lingo, which earlier in the day,

our staff compiled from the streets.

Now when I said, my guests were in my house,

what I meant was, in the studio.

Yes.

That is so weird.

(Laughs)

Weird, wild stuff.

Now, according to this, your actual house is called a crib.

But a baby crib is not necessarily called a house.

I did not know that.

Not a house.

(Cheers and laughter)

Not a house. No, sir.

A little weird, a little skewed.

That is the straight stuff, oh, funk master.

(Laughter and applause)

All right, well, my first guess, my first guest tonight,

you all know, he plays Norman on the number one show on

television Cheers, let’s turn it up for Mr. George Wendt.

(Music) (Cheers and applause)

(Laughs)

(Laughter)

Easy, easy, all right, all right, sit down, sit down.

You are my main man.

Are you my main man?

Well, I guess so, Johnny, yeah.

Main Man, yes.

(Laughter)

Now, Cheers, that is one fresh fly show.

Well, thank you, Johnny.

Now, tell me, George, I want to ask this.

How often do you do the wild thing?

(Cheers and laughter)

Johnny, Johnny, what are you doing here?

I mean, are you trying to change your image?

Why don’t you just stick to what you do best?

Well, I’d like to think what I do best is the wild thing.

Yes.

(Loud cheers and applause)

Is this dope?

Is this dope stuff?

Look at this.

You are correct, sir, yes.

Dope stuff, right here, right now.

Come on now.

Easy, easy, George.

I’m concerned about you, I’m concerned about.

What are you talking about?

Well, a drastic personality change like this, you know,

can really be dangerous.

Dangerous? I did not know that.

(Laughter)

Did you know that, Ed?

Yes.

(Laughter)

You shouldn’t feel embarrassed, Johnny.

This is rather common among people your age, it’s OK.

Secondary laden personality displacement,

oh great one, yes, sir.

(Laughter)

Well, this is some weird, wild stuff.

I did not know that.

But what about these people?

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.

Johnny, the truth is, they’re morons.

(Laughter and applause)

Morons? Morons?

I did not know that.

Well, goodnight, everybody.

We’ll be back, you know, we got to wrap up the show now,

we’ll be back in 23 hours.

You see how that works?

There’s 24 hours minus 1, weird, wild stuff.

(Music) (Cheers and applause)

OK.

Best hair cut in town for the best price in town,

Thanks a lot, Dominic.

Well, I am short on frills here,

but I do know how to cut a head of hair.

I’ll say you do, thank you.

Oh, sure, but you know, you’re a breath of fresh air around here,

Mary, with all the bald heads I’ve been seeing lately.

OK, bye bye.

Bye bye.

(Laughter, cheers and applause)

Can you take me?

Uh---

* A lot of people say, what’s that? *

* It’s Pat. *

(Music)

* A lot of people ask, who’s he? *

* Or she? *

* A madam or sir, accept him or her, for whatever it might be, *

* it’s time for androginy, here comes Pat. *

(Music)

So, what can we do for you today, huh?

I’m going to a party tonight and I want to look my best.

(laughter)

Ok, ok, do you want to change your look a lot?

Or maybe just have a trim?

I’m in your hands, work your magic.

(Laughter)

You know, I don’t usually ask this

but why don’t you tell me what you’re going to

wear tonight and that might help me out.

It’s a formal event.

So, I guess that means you’ll be wearing---

Black, all black.

OK, fine, I’ll just be giving you a trim then, huh?

Fine.

Listen, while I’m cutting your hair,

would you like some magazines to read,

perhaps Sports Illustrated?

I have Glamour.

What about People?

(Laughter)

Here you go, People.

OK, will you be taking someone special to the party tonight?

Harry.

And Frances and Robin, a group of us are going.

I see, well then, of course, this will be

a night out for the---

Co-workers.

(Laughter)

You got an awfully nice head of hair here.

No hair loss here at all, huh?

That’s good, both my parents had a full head of hair.

Yeah.

You know, the baldness gene is recessive

and it’s carried by the female.

Now, if you had a male child, would you be certain

that it would never go bald?

Or I would you be frightened,

depending on the heredity of your spouse, that it might.

Might what?

Go bald.

I don’t know, I just want a haircut.

(Laughter)

All right, well, OK, that will do it, you’re all finished.

Sorry, I got carried away.

You know, I thought maybe I was on to something there.

Ah.

But I think we’re just about done.

Oh, I look fabulous.

I look like a million bucks.

I feel so sexy.

Good, good.

(Laughter)

You know, I do my best here.

Tell you what, why don’t I brush you off a little bit.

Thank you very much, I’ll look very nice for my party tonight.

Yeah.

(Laughter)

Thank you, thank you. That’s good.

(Laughter and applause)

Hey, that tickles, please.

You know, sorry, that little hairs

tend to hide out on you, you know, sorry.

How much do I owe you?

Well, let’s see---

the price chart is right over there,

prices for the haircut.

(Laughter)

Those would be your various prices

for either of your various haircuts.

Uhuh.

All right, here’s a 20.

(Laughter)

20.

Okay, so, change back then, for your 20.

I have to give you some change, I suppose.

Change.

All right, I know what you’re doing.

You do?

Yes, and I don’t appreciate it.

Look, I’m sorry,

I just never have been in this situation before.

You’ve never been tipped to before?

I doubt that, you’re very good, you can keep the change.

Thank you.

(Laughter and applause)

(Music)

* It’s time for androgyny. *

* That’s just Pat. *

(Cheers and applause)

(Slow music playing)

* You were the only one who could make me cry. *

* You were the first one to tell me goodbye. *

* Now I sit here, like a boo whoo. *

* Pretending that it’s cool. *

(Together) *You left me for a road rumbling man.*

* Baby, oh baby, you broke my heart in two, *

* Now, I just sit here and dream of you. *

Every teardrop I cry,

Reminds me that you lied,

(Together) *When you left me for a road rumbling man.*

Baby, you hurt me a real bad, when you told me

you won’t be coming home no more,

* Shew up, shew up. *

I remember all the nights I cried alone.

But did you hear the teardrops fall?

(Together) *Teardrops fall*

Uh uh, you’re too busy hanging all over that guy

at Jody’s BBQ, you know who I’m talking about.

Ted something.

* Shew up, shew up. *

Started with an A, and I want to say Amberson

but I know that’s not it. Uh---

Atkins?

No, Atkinson, all right, baby, I’m drawing a blank.

But he had this big over bite, remember?

Anyway, you said you were just going to look at his car

for 5 minutes.

Two hours later you come back with your hair all messed up.

You’re dressed on backwards.

I mean, you played me like a fool.

Listen, Dave, no offense but

aren’t you really as much to blame.

* Shew up, shew up. *

I mean---

(Laughter)

sorry, sorry, forget it, sorry.

No, no, tell me, what were you going to say?

* Shew up, shew up. *

Well, this is really getting to be a pattern with you, man.

I mean, you go out with these girls who treat you like dirt,

you remember Francine?

Francine, now, she was a total psycho

(Together) *Total psycho*

OK, I admit it.

I had dated some losers, but what bugs me about Sherry

and this Ted guy, Arkin - no, Arkin - no, that’s not it

What bugs me, is Danny here, knew all the time.

She sneaking around me.

You never said nothing.

Well, I, I you didn’t want---

I wound up like a horse’s ass.

You are some friend, man.

Come on, you guys.

Come on, stay out of this, you fat slob.

(Together) *Fat slob.*

There’s no reason to bring my weight in this, you know,

I have a problem.

Your problem is, you eat like a fat pig.

(Together) *You fat slob.*

Hey come on guys come on, we’re talking about

Dave’s problem with Sherry, right?

Yeah, and the guy with the over bite.

(Together) *Ted Atkerson.*

Atkerson, that’s it.

Hey, she was with a bunch of guys, man.

Well, why didn’t you tell me, you fat pig?

Hey, you just as fat as me, man.

(Together) *Maybe fatter.*

(Laughter and applause)

Hey, the point is, everybody knew, man.

Yeah?

I mean, she was even sleeping

with someone you know pretty well.

Who?

Him?

You back stabbing snake.

I will kill you.

It’s not worth it, man.

You’re right, we’ll settle this later.

There’s something more important we need to do like maybe,

and this song, maybe.

Yap, you’re right.

Good idea, fellows.

Why don’t I just forget about Sherry

because she left me for a---

(Together) * Road Rumbling Man.*

(Loud cheers and applause) (Music)

Dad, isn’t there a button are something

that you can push to let the guy---

If there was a button I could push,

don’t you think I would have pushed it by now?

This will only take a minute.

That’s right.

So, before we get the man on the box,

everyone should decide what they want.

No, no, no, no way.

No, sir.

We’re getting five burgers and five coke, ok?

Quick and simple.

(Man speaking) Welcome to burger barn, how may I serve you?

Yeah, we would like five burgers, please.

How do you want them?

They come in mustard, ketchup, pickle, and onion.

That’s what we want.

Oh, honey, could I get mine without onions, please?

Ok, all right, one without onions.

Extra pickles on mine.

And extra pickles.

So, one without onions and extra pickles.

No, no, three all the way, one with no onions,

one all the way with extra pickles.

OK.

And five cokes.

What size?

(Cross talking)

(Speaking loud) Medium, medium, please.

I don’t want a coke, I want a glass of water.

Ok, four medium coke and one glass of water.

I can give you the water but

we’ll have to charge you for coke.

All right, I’ll pay for them.

How about fries?

Yeah, yeah, make it five orders of fries.

Well, if he’s going to charge you for a coke anyway,

I’ll just have a coke.

OK, OK, make it five medium cokes and just forget the water.

Yeah.

Hey dad look, if you order a Buster Burger,

the fries come with it and that’s cheaper

than a regular hamburger and fries.

OK, wait a minute, wait a minute,

Yes, sir?

Make it five Buster burgers, three all the way,

one without onions, one with onions and extra pickles

and now, that all comes with fries, right?

Yes sir, and with lettuce and tomato.

Good, well, put it on all five.

Honey, if I’m getting lettuce and tomato,

then I don’t want mustard.

OK, OK, hold on, we have a change.

We want five Buster burgers, two all the way,

one all the way with extra pickles, one with ketchup,

pickles, lettuce, and tomato, and one with mustard, ketchup,

pickles, and onions.

Excuse me, excuse me, but I’ve been thinking,

if I’m having a cola, I can’t have a red meat.

Now it’s just going to be too much acid in my stomach.

Can I get a piece of fish or something?

All right, all right, cancel one of the all the way

Buster Burgers and give me a fish sandwich---

Without fries.

Without fries.

It comes with fries, no charge.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute,

who has the burger without lettuce and tomato.

I do, I do, dad.

OK, bear with me, please.

Give me three Buster Burgers, one all the way

with extra pickles, one would ketchup,

pickles, lettuce, and tomato.

One fish sandwich and one regular burger with mustard,

ketchup, pickles, and onions.

Now, when the order gets here,

you can have grandma’s French fries.

Cool, ok.

I can’t eat fried food.

Well, mother, the fish is fried.

What?

Well then, can I just get a couple of slices of bread?

What was that?

Can we cancel the fish and get two pieces of bread, please?

We don’t have bread. I can give you bun.

Fine, fine.

But, we’ll have to charge you for fish sandwich.

Well, hey, why don’t you charge me for a burger, it’s cheaper.

I thought the old lady wanted a fish sandwich.

Well, she wants a burger now.

Have you got that?

Hello?

I’m confused.

(Laughter)

OK, three Buster burgers, one all the way,

one all the way with extra pickles, one with ketchup,

pickles, lettuce, and tomato.

One regular burger with mustard, onions, pickles, and ketchup.

One burger plain with no meat.

Dad, if grandma doesn’t get her fish sandwich

and doesn’t get any fries.

Ok,ok, hold it, hold it, cancel the burger.

Would you people like to, maybe, come in,

take all the time you want.

You know, maybe visit our salad bar.

Oh, a salad bar.

(Cross talking)

(Yelling) No, no, okay, starting over.

Five burgers with everything, five medium cokes.

The end.

Right, 11.65.

Drive around.

Well, see there you are, that was easy, wasn’t it?

(Cheers and applause)

(Soft music)

(Man speaking) And now, deep thoughts

by Jack Handey.

(Music)

(Man speaking) The memories of my family outings

are still a source of strength to me.

I remember we’d all pile into the car.

I forget what kind it was, and drive and drive.

I’m not sure where we’d go,

but I think there were some trees there.

The smell of something was strong in the air

as we played whatever sport we played.

I remember a bigger, older guy we called Dad,

we’d eat some stuff, or not.

And then I think we went home.

I guess some things never leave you.

(Laughter and applause)

(Rap music)

(Music)

Good morning and welcome to the sunrise show.

I’m Joan Nuwelan and my guest today is a wonderful singer

and songwriter for children

My two year old daughter, Hannah, just loves him

and now he’s released an album of songs for adults.

So, here’s the simply delightful, Graffy.

(Music)

Thank you. Here, have a seat.

Thanks very much, Joan.

I’m thrilled to be here, but I am no longer called Graffy.

Then new album, as you can see, is

Goodbye, Graffy, Hello, Leon Grafenberg.

Graffy, I can’t believe

you’re not doing children’s music anymore.

It’s Leon, and no, I’m not, Joan.

So, no more songs like monkey on my cereal?

No.

* How’d that monkey get in my cereal, *

* how’d that ape get in my bowl. *

Now, no, no, those days are over.

No?

Yeah.

I’m addressing more adult themes.

For example, the give and take in modern relationships.

Oh, yes, like the bear song from

* If I could be any kind of bear, *

* I’d be the kind of bear that says, please and thank you, *

* please and thank you, please and thank you. *

Joan, would you stop? Will you listen to me?

Joan, you know, what might be easier,

if I were to do one of the tunes off the album, I think huh?

Oh, this is a treat.

Could I say something to my daughter?

Hannah, sweetie, Graffy is going to sing a song for you.

Now you watch now, OK?

Good, go ahead.

Lenny, Susan.

(Music)

* Baby, what you do to me? *

* Is something I can’t explain. *

* Your spike heels and your tight knit dress *

* are driving me insane. *

* I want to have sex, sex, sex, sex, with you. *

* sex, sex, sex, with you. *

* I want to lay you down and make you make *

* the sounds that animals do. *

* you meow like a cat. *

Meow.

* You moo like a cow. *

Moo.

* You pant just like a furry dog and you go bow wow wow, bow wow, *

* wow, wow, wow, doggy style, bow, wow, wow, bow, wow, wow, wow, *

* wow, everybody, whoo, bow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. *

This has been the sunrise show.

(Music)

(Piano playing)

OK, thank you very much.

I’d like to thank musical guest, Elvis Costello.

All right.

(Cheers and applause)

First, you gotta say goodbye to Dennis.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)