Original subtitles

[Announcer:] And now, a message

from the president of the United States.

Good evening, you know a week ago tonight,

I experienced what my doctors call atrial fibrillation.

That heart there going fast, too fast. It’s fast.

[audience laughing]

I scared some people but now that heartbeat, normal, normal,

right down there, in that whole normal area down there,

being monitored at all times.

You see, doctors have implanted a tiny cardio device

in the chest area, down in this whole thing over here,

and as you can see, heart beat’s steady,

let me just turn up that volume there.

Here we go.

You can hear that, hear that. Now, what you’re hearing

this very moment is the actual beating of my heart.

[beeping]

Kind of odd, ain’t it?

Kind of gives you the creeps,

a little icky.

[audience laughing]

Now, let me show you how this thing works here.

Mitzie Gaynor.

[faster beeping]

[audience laughing]

There, don’t be alarmed,

that’s a normal elevation for a healthy heterosexual male

of my generation.

Let’s bring it down again, let’s try it again now.

Ready?

Bar in a black satin patty.

[faster beeping]

Bring her down, bring her down.

As you can see, the regular heart beat is all gone.

Turns out, it was caused by, turn that down there,

turns out it was caused by something called Grave’s Disease.

That’s a rare thyroid ailment that Bar also suffers from.

As scary name, Grave’s Disease, kind of scary

but not really that bad,

the principal symptom, bulging eyes.

That’s why Bar, I always look surprised.

[audience laughing]

There’s nothing more arousing than those bulging eyes

and that teddy coming at you after a hard day

of framing the new world order.

[audience laughing]

So as you see, just Grave’s disease, unpleasant, sure,

inconvenient, you bet but not debilitating.

No, sir, fact is, many of our presidents suffered from

medical conditions and ailments far more serious than mine.

For example, Andrew Jackson, president there, old hickory,

face on that $20.00 bill, fine president,

suffered from diverticulitis, could not digest nuts.

[audience laughing]

Didn’t know that, did you?

James Madison, framer of the constitution, rickets.

Zachary Taylor had Elephant Man’s Disease,

used to roam the White House at night screaming,

"I am not an animal."

[audience laughing]

President James Buchanan down there, rabies.

[audience laughing]

Robert Cleveland had lice.

[audience laughing]

That first term, second term, ringworm.

Not a clean man.

[audience laughing]

In our own century, President John F. Kennedy,

the clap.

[audience laughing]

Five times.

[audience laughing]

And finally, my own predecessor,

Ronald Reagan has fought a lifelong battle

against crippling Epstein Bar or chronic fatigue syndrome.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg there,

a little Grave’s disease doesn’t sound so bad.

Fact is, I’m probably the fittest and most physically active man

to ever hold his office.

Fact, I’d like to give you a little...

A little demonstration here.

As you can see, I got my Nikes.

[audience laughing]

Just do it.

[audience laughing]

Get up here, turn that old thread mill thing on,

get her started.

A little demonstration here,

you start slow, you don’t want to start of too fast,

wouldn’t be prudent.

[audience laughing]

A little faster, keep that stride nice and economical,

faster still...

breathing coming up, faster,

legs churning at a pace close to Roger Banister’s.

Does this look like a man about to die?

Doubt it, still going faster, don’t worry,

this is perfectly, perfectly normal.

Don’t worry, no problem for me, not going to die,

not going to die, going to be live from New York,

it’s Saturday Night!

[cheers and music]

[Announcer]: It’s Saturday Night Live,

with Dana Carby,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hook,

Victoria Jackson,

Dennis Miller,

Mike Myers

and Kevin Nealon,

with Chris Farley,

Tim Meadows,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney,

and featuring Al Franken,

Adam Sandler,

GE Smith and the Saturday Night Live band,

musical guest, Chris Isaak

and Silver Tone,

and starring Delta Burke.

Ladies and gentlemen, Delta Burke.

[audience cheering]

Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you.

It’s so wonderful to be here in New York hosting Saturday night live.

I’ll admit I was a little bit nervous when I got here on Monday.

I mean, I thought I would be prepared, you know,

I’ve done a lot of television,

I’ve been on Designer Women for five seasons and... Thank you.

[audience applauding]

And I even competed in a Miss America pageant as Miss Florida.

But, nothing can prepare you for this experience.

It is something I’ll never forget.

[music]

I have made so many wonderful friends here.

I’ve just made so many friends, friendships I know will last a lifetime,

and my week here at Saturday Night Live has just been

a whirlwind of activity.

And I want to remember every bit of it,

but I just wouldn’t know where to begin.

Well, delta, your magical week as host of Saturday Night Live

began here at the writers meeting on Monday, where Delta

explained her ideas to a team of professional writers.

Then it was off the studio 8H for some grueling rehearsal.

And then it was time to relax. Like all of our hosts,

Delta was escorted to the NBC gift shop by producer Jim Downey

where she was allowed to select any item under $15.00.

But shopping was cut short as our host is whisked away

to an appointment for hair by Don and makeup by Merle Norman.

But the week had its serious side as our host took time

to offer encouragement to a group of Kurdish refugees.

[Delta’s voice:] Sometimes, in all the excitement,

you forget those less fortunate than you but when you meet them,

you can just tell that they’re thinking,

"How do I get to be this person?"

And you know, that gives them hope.

Selecting shoes was fun and it was even better when enjoyed

with a beverage from the Coca Cola Company.

Finally, the week was capped with the extensive personal interview

with executive producer Lorne Michaels.

Now, tell me, Delta, why do you think you can host the show?

Well, I feel that I should host the show because my hosting,

I would be able to bring to the show many of the qualities

that would make me a good host and in so doing,

I would show others that in America,

you can achieve your goals because I’m an Ameri-can,

not an Ameri-can’t.

[audience laughing]

Thank you, Delta, I’m very impressed.

[Male voice:] Yes, it was a fabulous week.

A fantasy come true for our Saturday Night Cinderella.

[audience cheering]

A week of excitement that Delta will never forget,

but it’s not over yet, Jan?

Thank you, Phil.

You know, there was a good feeling here tonight.

I think that Delta has really won the crowd over.

He certainly made a lot of points with her interview,

and you know, I want to add something here that everyone who hosts is a winner,

that just getting here, makes them a winner,

and this week, Delta is our host and we’re also happy for her.

Let’s rejoin her now, let’s.

[audience applauding]

Thank you, I just want to say that as your host,

I will try to make you proud and if I can touch your lives,

even for a moment, it’s worth it.

We have a great show tonight, Chris Isaak is with us

and we’ll be right back.

[audience cheering]

When I started back to work, there weren’t enough hours in the day.

- Mommy - Hi, sweetie.

Seems like my whole life was divided between my job and my family.

I was exhausted and ran down so I asked my doctor what to do

and he recommended this.

Balz-Off.

Hi honey, I got off work early so I came straight home and fix dinner.

Well, don’t get up, just relax.

Nonprescription Balz-Off is safe, gentle to the stomach

and it works.

- Here you go. - Why, thank you, honey.

Can I get you anything else?

[phone rings]

- You can get the phone. - Sure, I’d love to.

Balz-Off’s time-release formula last a full 24 hours.

Two Balz-Off tablets with breakfast and he’s home all evening

and glad to be there.

- It’s your mother. - I don’t want to talk to her.

She’s busy.

Oh, no problem, I would love to take you to the florist.

It’s easy to use and effective.

Here’s how Balz-Off works.

Hormonal signals build up here in the freedom center.

These signals are sent to the brain, where they cause

pressure and confusion.

Balz-Off effectively blocks these signals

eliminating problem behavior before it reaches the brain.

- Dinner’s on a table - Thanks.

Hey, isn’t tonight your poker night.

Yeah, that’s just an excuse to drink beer,

smoke big smelly cigars and talk about women.

I don’t think I need that.

I am so proud of you.

Nonprescription Balz-Off.

In regular and new Italian strength.

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.

He loved it so much, he made a woman out of dirt

and married her.

But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.

Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said,

"Dust to dust," some people laughed,

and the cowboy shot them.

At his hanging, he told the others,

"I’ll be waiting for you in heaven, with a gun."

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] And now weekend update with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

[audience cheering]

Thank you, send me a free pass.

Hey, good evening, what can I tell you?

Here, we see an electrocardiogram

of President Bush’s fibrillating heart.

This is the tape that’s causing all America to worry.

Really, when you’d rather have this than Dan Quayle’s brainwave chart.

[audience applauding]

I don’t think that’s straight enough.

[audience laughing]

President Bush has kept in shape by running,

among other sports but most of our presidents have worked out

one way or another.

Ronald Reagan chopped wood at his ranch.

Jimmy Carter jog to keep fit.

Gerald Ford played golf.

Richard Nixon bowled a few games every day.

Lyndon Johnson, Texan, rode a horse.

And Eisenhower played a good game of golf.

We skipped one, we didn’t have an actual picture

of Jack Kennedy, who worked out inside.

[audience laughing]

It was reported this week that John Sinunu used an Air Force jet

to fly Motley Crue around on their Party With The Devil Tour.

When questioned about this, Sinunu said, "Hey,

they just put out an album, they had to follow it up with a tour."

[audience laughing]

So, I guess Sinunu owes all of us an IOU nunu.

[audience laughing]

You know, I got so caught up in Madonna’s career last week

that I forgot to eat or clean myself.

[audience laughing]

Former U.S. senator Paul Sangas

didn’t do his presidential hopes any good this week

when he mocked potential voters during a lower Massachusetts speech,

taunting them to pick out which hand had the Nerf ball in it.

[audience laughing]

A smirking British prime minister, John Major,

delivered a lethal karate chop to polish president elect Lech Walesa’s windpipe this week,

staggering Walesa for a few moments before he recovered

and begged Major not to do it again.

Last week, Al Sharpton turned up in London,

protesting civil rights abuses there.

Sharpton angered locals by flaunting his natural outside Buckingham palace.

[audience applauding]

NBC News continues to receive flak for revealing the name

of the Kennedy compound rape victim.

NBC News president Michael Gartner defended his decision

saying, the public should have all the information necessary

to make up their own minds on issues.

We at Weekend Update agree, and if you’d like to comment to Mr. Gartner,

we’ll be getting his phone number, his address,

and fax number this week and we will reveal them on next week’s Weekend Update.

[audience applauding]

Well, it’s mother’s day tomorrow and here with a special message

this Weekend Update so, Adam Sandler, Welcome, Adam.

Thank you.

[audience cheering]

Thank you very much, thanks everybody.

Happy mother’s day to all you mom’s out there.

You moms really deserve it, really.

Normally, to celebrate, I take my mom to a nice restaurant

and we have a heart to heart talk, just the two of us,

but since I can’t make it home this year, I thought

I’d do my half of the conversation on TV.

So, she can record it and play the tape tomorrow

at her favorite restaurant.

So, mom, this is for you...

Get ready, press record, OK.

Uh huh.

[audience laughing]

Uh huh.

Uh huh. Uh huh.

[audience laughing]

I see, uh huh.

Well, she’s not your friend, Is she?

[audience laughing]

No, uh huh, you said that?

No, you didn’t, you did? No!

[audience laughing]

Yeah, yes, mom, of course, I use condoms.

What? Mom?

I have something on my neck?

Oh mom, you’re choking, mom?

Are you all right?

Mom, mom, good. Arms up, arms up.

Arms up, breathe, good,

good, OK, don’t worry, nobody saw you.

Ma, right up there.

There, uh huh, ma, don’t cry, it’s not a big deal,

what are you crying about then? Tell me.

Oh my God, does dad know?

Well, it’s over, right?

What do you mean, you love this guy, mom?

[audience laughing]

I know you like Latin men, but he’s Turkish.

Ma, Turkey is not a Latin country.

Mom, I’m sorry, I have to tell dad. I do.

You give me what?

Well, it has to be a Harley.

[audience laughing]

A big one.

Deal. Ok. I love you, too, ma.

Hoppe mother’s day, ok, ma, press stop, thank you.

All right, thanks a lot, Dennis.

Thank you, Adam Sandler.

[audience cheering]

Don’t be sad, man.

During game one of the Detroit Pistons vs. Boston Celtics

Conference semifinals basketball game,

Isaiah Thomas gave birth to a 6 pound 4 ounces boy.

[audience laughing]

Happy mother’s day, Isaiah.

And the world League of American football announce plans

for expansion beginning next season.

This move could potentially double the number of people

who show no interest in these games.

New York’s empire state building turned 60 last week.

You know, for 60 years old, it’s still pretty erect, isn’t it?

[audience laughing]

Remember, too nice tonight to set you clocks back an hour

just to confuse your little clock mind.

[audience cheering]

OK, that means you’ve lost 3/4 pound,

congratulations, Bethany.

Oh, yay, finally.

Do you really want something to eat?

Or is something eating you?

Do you really want something to eat?

Or is something eating you?

Now, before we begin today and talk about food and feelings.

Why don’t we go over the basic Weight Watchers food plan,

Amanda?

Ok, two milks, three vegetables, two fruits, three fats,

four breads, five proteins, 100 optional calories per day,

and 21 floaters to be used during the week,

except for fats, fats don’t float.

Very good, Amanda.

Let’s give Amanda a hand for being our new 15 pound ribbon winner.

That’s 15.5 pounds in three weeks on Plan 2.

Remember, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

All right?

Oh, I see we have a new face.

I’m Val, I’m the group leader.

I have lost 135 pounds and I have kept it off for 10 years.

Would you like to introduce yourself?

No, but I will.

I’m Ned Crawley, I’m a cop.

Seems that a certain sergeant down at the precinct

has a little problem with my... girth.

Says, it’s slowing me down so he says to me, "Crawley,

you’re joining the Weight Watchers."

But he doesn’t say nothing about losing weight.

[audience laughing]

I just want to say that if you think what you’re doing

is a big joke, then you should leave right now.

But if you decide to stay, I just want you to know

that size of pizza will count as one bread, two restricted proteins,

and maybe a vegetable.

Stewart?

Hello, I’m Stewart and I’m an overeater.

[audience laughing]

Stewart, this is not overeater anonymous.

We don’t do that here.

I know, but I just like it when people say,

"hi Stewart."

[everyone:] Hi Stewart.

Hi.

I just want to say that I think that Amanda is putting

a little too much focus on what Ned is doing

and that’s OK.

but in OA, and I realize that we’re Weight Watchers, not OA,

but in OA, we have a slogan, put the focus on yourself.

And I know you’re thinking, "Oh, here’s Stewart,

trying to 12 step us again." And I’m sorry,

but I think Weight Watchers is a fine program.

I’ve lost 4 pounds in Weight Watchers.

I’ve lost 127 in OA.

Stewart, the man who moves mountains

moves them one stone at a time.

Exactly. One day at a time.

The man who moves mountains moves them one stone at the time.

One day at a time.

Shut up.

Bethany?

Yes, on this diet...

This is not a diet, this is a live it.

Live it, you live it, live it.

Ok, on this live it, what day of the week are you supposed to start on?

Whatever day you choose.

Hello, excuse me, hello, hello, hello, excuse me, hello,

hello, hi.

Ok. I have today’s results.

Now, the good news is we have lost a total of 27.5 pounds.

[cheers]

Yes, and now the bad news, you’re going to shoot me.

I miscalibrated the scale and it’s off by 3/4 pound

so you all weigh 3/4 pound more than you thought.

You mean, I didn’t lose any weight?

No.

OK, OK, everyone hold on, settle down, grab a hold, everyone,

grab a hold of yourself.

In OA, when something awful like this happens,

we join hands and say the serenity prayer.

So join hands, come on, Amanda, Ned.

Don’t touch me. I didn’t come here to pray,

I came here to eat, three fruits,

two milks, three fats, four breads and five proteins,

and if I want to use my optionals to pray to higher power, I’ll do that.

Very well. Please don’t stifle your anger.

People, people...

This is a freaking circus.

The circus?

The circus is for those who know...

how to get to the circus.

The circus is for those who know

how to get to the circus.

Ok, I want you to take a journey in your minds.

Next time you get the urge to eat,

I want you to go to the place where we are about to visualize.

Now, close your eyes, imagine a perfect day,

you can be wherever you want, with whomever you want,

it’s morning, where are you?

Now, it’s almost noon.

OK now, who are you with?

What are you doing?

OK, now it’s evening.

You can do anything you like.

It’s night.

OK now, open your eyes.

Your perfect day is over.

Does anybody want to tell us about his journey?

Stewart, what did you do?

In the morning, I went to an NLO meeting,

for lunch, I was at a Gambler’s Anonymous picnic.

And then I went straight to an Adult Children’s of Alcoholics Dance.

Ok, Stewart, we got the picture.

Ned, would you like to tell us where you went on your journey?

Ok, does anyone know who Uma Thurman is?

[audience laughing]

Ok, Ned, stop right there, Amanda?

I woke up in Hawaii, I was alone but it felt good.

And I went down on the terrace, overlooking the ocean.

The waves were crashing to shore.

There was a beautiful wicker table with fine china and crystal.

I had my breakfast.

Three fourths of an ounce of cereal milk

and four ounces of peeled, cored apple, and then,

I realized I hadn’t had my entire milk selection,

and I got a surprise treat of a half cup of plain yogurt.

Now, that is a perfect day.

She is one sorry broad.

[audience laughing]

Ned, I need you to be positive.

This time is for you.

Bethany, what did you do on your journey?

I couldn’t go, I’m too fat.

I can’t go anywhere until I lose weight.

Ok, OK, we’re out of time, but as you leave,

I want you to remember:

no food taste as good as being thin feels.

No food tastes as good as being thin feels.

I’ll see loss of you next week.

That was very good.

You know, for a Weight Watchers thing.

[audience applauding]

Welcome to Coffee Talk.

I’m your host, Paul Baldwin.

On the show, we talk about things like coffee, New York,

daughters, dogs, you know, no big whoop.

[audience laughing]

Just coffee talk.

And on this coffee talk, I have with me a friend

who lives in the building.

Now, we’ve used to have a thing, but now, we just talk.

Welcome to Coffee Talk, Audrey.

Thanks, Paul.

I’m glad you called.

It’s good to talk.

You know, when we were an item, all we did was fight.

It was awful.

PS, long story short, now we just talk, we have a ball.

[audience laughing]

It’s good to talk, more coffee, Audrey?

What kind of coffee is that, Paul?

You know, its regular coffee.

The type you can get anywhere in New York, you know.

No big whoop.

Ok, let’s take some calls, the number is 555-4444.

Welcome to Coffee Talk.

[Female voice:] Hello, Paul. My name is Laura.

I’ve looked all over New York for a good coffee maker.

But the long and short of it is this,

the selection is appalling.

Hello, Laura, you’re talking to Audrey.

Hello, Audrey.

First of all, I’m glad you called, it’s good to talk.

I don’t know if you can tell from the way I talk,

but I’m also from New York.

[audience laughing]

I always thought that New York had it all.

It’s what you thought but when it comes to coffee makers,

they are awful, very awful.

Very awful, who knew?

[audience laughing]

You know.

Truth be known, I have a brawn and it’s never stirred me wrong.

[audience laughing]

Thanks for your call, the number is 555-4444.

Give us a call.

Welcome to Coffee Talk.

[Male voice:] Hello, my name is Oral Kaufield, I was wondering,

can a dog drink coffee?

No, a dog cannot drink coffee.

In the city of New York, it’s against the law

for a dog to drink coffee.

End of story.

Welcome to Coffee Talk.

No call, who knew?

[audience laughing]

So let’s talk baseball.

You know, Paul.

The big question in baseball

is when Darryl Strawberry came back to New York,

did you applaud?

Interesting story.

I was going to applaud but then I blocked.

[audience laughing]

So give us a call, the number is 555-4444,

let’s talk baseball.

[Female voice:] Hello?

My name is Forn Hall.

Forn Hall from Oliver North?

No, a different Forn Hall.

Anyhow, I’m calling about Strawberry.

When he hit the long ball, I applauded.

Unfortunately, I was eating malted balls and I got covered in chocolate.

Ok, thanks for calling.

[audience laughing]

- Two Forn Halls, who knew? - Who knew?

- Who knew? - Who knew? Who knew?

[doorbell ringing]

That would be my daughter with the dog.

I better put on some coffee.

Well, that’s all the time we have on Coffee Talk.

You know, I want to thank all of the because you know,

you’re good to talk to.

No, you’re good to talk to.

Stop.

I will talk to you in a heartbeat.

You’re good to talk to.

My name is Paul Baldwin, call me.

We’ll talk, you know. No big whoop.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey.

Many people never stop to realize

that a tree is a living thing,

not that different from a tall, leafy dog

that has roots and is very quiet.

[audience laughing]

Did I tell you that Bobby was selling the El Camino?

- What? - Uh huh.

I don’t believe it.

What is she selling?

BOBBY IS SELLING HIS EL CAMINO, MOTHER.

Laurel, I remember the first day I saw you in that car just

driving down the street honking and waving.

I just love to honk.

I know.

Tiffany, what you have out there?

No, put it down.

No, no, honey, put it down, good girl.

Hey, you know who might want to buy your car?

Brenda Whatley.

That’s right. She totaled hers, didn’t she?

Well, she got a lot of money out of it, too.

It was a good thing she was wearing her seat belt, I’ll tell you that, right now.

I know but you know it just ruined her bikini line.

Betty, give them back to Tiffany, now, that’s hers.

Go and see what Lani is doing. Go play with him.

- That’s good. - Lani, put that down, honey.

Those things belong in the ground not in your nose.

[audience laughing]

You know that Brenda has got the worst luck?

Having that accident after all that cosmetic surgery.

I know, I know, and she just finished having her eyebrows

separated and that big old mole taken off her face and then,

Bam, it’s like it never even happened.

I know.

Right in front of her house.

You would just would never suspect a tragedy like that

to occur in your own driveway.

No, you know, you wouldn’t.

MOTHER, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

Am I what?

NEVER MIND.

She is coming apart.

I’m here to tell you.

I tried to get her to switch to this low tar things

but you know, she’s not going to be with us much longer.

No.

Lani, what’s that, honey? What have you got?

Buddy, go over there and see what Lani’s got?

What’s he got?

Lani, put it down.

- Put it down. - That’s good.

You know, I so Brenda the other day and she looked just awful.

Tiffany, quit.

Well, I know, it looked like she was retaining water or something.

Well, you know, she busted an implant.

- Well, they were so cheap. - I know.

Stop that, you quit that right now.

Lani, what is your sister playing with?

Tiffany, what do you have?

Hold it up, I can’t see it, honey.

Oh my Lord, look at that!

Lani, take that thing and throw it away.

Don’t pick it up with your hands, use a stick.

No, baby don’t, honey, oh, he used his hands.

Hold it away from you.

OK, now that’s it. That’s good. Now, I just get rid of it, baby.

You just get rid of it.

Don’t bring it up here.

Take it back to the garbage heap, honey.

Buddy, you see where that part of it broke off down there.

Take that on out to Lani.

Honey, not the part that’s moving, the other part.

[audience laughing]

Brenda has the worst look of any woman I’ve ever seen, you know.

Honey, that’s an old refrigerator, don’t put it in there.

Betty, don’t you close that door on him.

Now, you let him out, I mean it, don’t you make me come out there, mister.

Honey, you see the garbage heap?

No? Ok. Do you see the scrap metal pile?

Ok, honey, baby, you see that sack of old broken windshields?

That’s right. Right there, next to it. Good.

What does that child got?

WHAT, MOTHER?

What does she got?

Oh, Tiffany, what have you got?

She found another one?

Where do you suppose they’re coming from?

I don’t know. Honey, baby, take it back to Lani.

He’ll throw it on the garbage heap.

Take it to them, you just keep going.

- Go on. - Go to your brother, baby.

[audience applauding]

Well, it’s Saturday Night Live except it’s over now,

and I’m so glad I survived it

and I want to thank you all for coming

and wish all the mothers out there a happy mother’s day.

We love you. Bye.

[audience cheering]

[music]