Original subtitles

[Announer:] It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carby,

Phil Hartmann,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Dennis Miller,

Mike Myers,

and Kevin Nealon,

with Chris Farley,

Tim Millow,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney

and featuring Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade,

GE Smith and the Saturday Night Live band,

musical guest Michael Bolton.

And starring, Steven Segal.

[audience cheering]

Care, compassion, dedication.

These are the things we can promise you at Winston Macauley funeral home.

And there’s one other thing we can promise:

that we will never have sex with any dead body.

How can we guarantee this level of service?

First, we rigorously test our applicants for aptitude and intelligence

and also to make sure that they don’t have the urge to have sex

with dead bodies.

And if any of our employees fails to live up to our standards

or is caught having sex with a dead body,

he can be suspended without pay for up to six months

and if that’s not enough,

you have my personal assurance that if you can prove

your loved one was the victim of a postmortem sex,

I would discount your bill with us for a full $1000,

that’s the Winston Macauley guarantee.

[Narrator:] Care, compassion,

dedication and absolutely no sex.

Winston Macauley funeral home.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] The following is an NBC special presentation.

In Live from the Grover Cleveland, civic pavilion

in Palm Springs, California, it’s time for another in our

continuing series of individual tribute, to each and every soldier

who served in the Persian Gulf.

Tonight, and all-star celebrity tribute to private first class

Reginald Lee Adams, starring comedian, Louie Anderson,

illusionists Doug Henning, Ann Julian, Barbara Mandrell,

Tony Orlando and the yellow ribbon dancers,

the People’s Republic of China gymnastic team,

Kuwaiti prince Falheed Already-Sabah and his wives.

The Denver Symphony Orchestra and many others.

Now here are your co-hosts for tonight’s tribute,

from TV’s magnum PI, Mr. Tom Selig

and from humorous other TV special, Ms. Barbara Mandrell.

[audience cheering]

Hello, Barbara, how are you tonight?

Well, Tom, I’m still a little pooped after last night’s

All-Star salute to Lieutenant Jeffrey Acker.

I know what you mean, that was some salute but hang in there

because after the show, we’ll be two-fifths away through the A’s.

All right.

[audience cheering]

Ok, let’s meet tonight’s hero.

He’s an army reservist from East St. Louis, Illinois,

who spent two months stationed in a military supply depot

in the Arabian Desert.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we salute private first class,

Reginald Lee Adams.

[audience cheering]

How do you feel tonight, private?

Very honored to be here, there’re so many soldiers

who were there longer than I was.

Don’t worry, they’ll each get their own tributes, too.

Oh yes, they will, because...

* Every single soldier is a hero *

* Every single one deserves a cheero *

* We’re so proud that you must know *

* Everyone will get a show *

* Stars are out so let’s go. *

[audience cheering]

Let’s go, private.

We’ve been keeping a seat warm for you over here, come on.

You bet. Come on.

Yeah.

All right, to start things off, Private Adams, someone I think

you’ll recognize has something he wants to say to you:

Mr. President.

Good evening, I’m honored to have this opportunity

to personally thank you...

Private Reginald Adams...

...for your effort in the Persian Gulf.

Without men like you, Private Reginald Adams,

Kuwait will be less free.

Let’s not forget the courage that your beautiful wife, Mary,

no, children, they waited fatefully at home

in East St. Louis, Illinois,

that are so happy that you returned... unharmed.

Thank you, God bless.

[audience cheering]

I never, never, never get tired of watching that.

So, are you enjoying your tribute so far.

Yeah, it’s OK.

That’s great, you know, while stationed in the Gulf,

the only way Private Adams could keep in touch with loved ones at home

was talking on the telephone or by writing letters.

Here to read one of the letters he wrote to his best friend,

Ernie Phillips, is America’s legendary leading man,

Mr. Charlton Heston.

[audience cheering]

December 12, 1990, Dear Ernie,

three months in the Arabian Desert and man, am I horny.

I think I’d lose my mind if it weren’t for masturbation.

[audience laughing]

At first, I try to hide it but now, it’s so out in the open,

there’s no point.

Everyone’s doing it, enlisted men, officers,

even the press corps.

If you ask me, this whole operation

is one big wank-a-thon.

Well, I better sign off as I have to get back to work.

Signed, Reginald Lee Adams. PFC.

[audience applauding]

Private Adams, how does it feel to have a great actor

like Charlton Heston reading your words?

Well, it was an honor. Who picked that letter?

Mr. Heston did.

[audience laughing]

When our friends, the Kuwaitis, heard we were doing this tribute,

they ask if there was any way they could participate.

So here to preset you with a gift is Kuwaiti prince

Falheed Already-Sabah and his wives.

[music]

Mr. Reginald Adams, the Kuwaiti people would like to thank you

for your effort.

When I was in exile at the Sheraton hotel in Monaco,

I often thought of you fighting in my behalf, therefore,

in recognition of your efforts,

a concrete step in the fresh water Jacuzzi

in my newly constructed winter palace

will bear your name.

[audience cheering]

What an honor and now, here to sing a song he wrote just for you,

please welcome Tony Orlando and the yellow ribbon dancers.

[music]

* I’m Private Adams and I’m back. *

* I’m 24, 5 foot nine, and I’m black. *

* I’ve got 20/30 vision and my blood type is AB, *

* I can’t wait to see my old friends at 320 East Boulevard, *

* in East St. Louis. * Everybody, come on.

* Tie a yellow ribbon for Private Reginald Adams, *

* he is 5 foot nine, and allergic to penicillin, *

Come on, join in.

* If I don’t see a yellow ribbon for Private Reginald Adams. *

* I will be a material transport specialist, *

* next armor personnel carrier *

* and get married at 17. *

* If I don’t see a yellow ribbon for Reginald Adams, PFC. *

[audience applauding]

[Announer:] We’ll return with the gymnasts

from the People’s Republic of China

and the Aleutians of Doug Henning when the All-Star celebrity tribute

to private first class Reginald Lee Adams continues.

[door bell]

Oh, I’ll get it.

Well, hello, you must be Jennifer’s date?

Doug, right?

- Yeah. - I’m Mrs. Novak.

Hi. Come on in, sit down, sit down,

and Jennifer will be in a jiffy.

You know, Mrs. Novak, I can see where Jennifer gets her good looks.

For an older lady, you’re holding up pretty well.

[audience laughing]

Well, thank you, Doug.

I wish my mom looked as good as you. She’s a sow.

[audience laughing]

Well, I’m sure that your mother is beautiful in her own way.

No.

[audience laughing]

Well, oh, honey, hi, hey look, this is Jennifer’s date, Doug.

This is Jennifer’s dad.

Mr. Novak.

I think this kid needs an ashtray.

OK, I’ll go get it.

So, you graduating this year?

I might.

Do you have any plans?

- No, no plans. - No.

That makes me very nervous, you know,

people who see my daughter should have plans.

Well, I like shop and I’m real good with cars.

Well, that’s good because that means in the middle of the night

I won’t get a phone call that your car broke down,

that’s why you’re late or anything like that, will I?

- Uh, no. - That’s good.

Ok dok, here’s your ashtray, you seem to...

You seem to be getting along just fine.

Is everything OK?

I think Dougie needs a soda.

Ok, I’ll go get it.

[audience laughing]

Man, your daughter sure does take her time?

What?

Does that bother you?

No, no.

That’s a nice watch you got there.

Yeah, my grandmother gave it to me last year for graduation.

[audience laughing]

Well, I’m glad she did because I guess that means that

I won’t be getting a phone call from you

that you lost track of time or anything like that, will I?

No, probably not, not with my new watch.

Whoa Doug, hey Doug, you’re looking good, man.

Hey, Randy.

I heard you my might graduate this year.

Might.

Is that your car out there? Wow, it looks so cool from here.

Did you clean it or what?

Why don’t you go out and look at it,

I’m sure dougie won’t mind.

Just don’t touch it, man.

Oh, whoo, cool car.

[audience laughing]

So, what are you planning to do this evening with my daughter?

We’re going to party, hope you don’t mind.

Well, I guess it wouldn’t matter if I did

because I wouldn’t be there at the time.

I’d be here waiting.

Yes, yes, sir.

What are you reading?

This is called silent killers.

[audience laughing]

Is it any good?

It’s very informative.

Ok dok, here’s your soda, Doug.

Hey, honey how about some coffee?

I’ve got some decaf back there, you want some?

Herbal tea, honey.

Herbal tea?

I’ll go get it.

All right, I checked out the car.

The left rear tire is a little warm, but he’s got a spare and the jack works.

That oil is OK, the paint is scoffed but not leaking.

The tire rods need new brakes.

- How about the brakes? - The brakes, oh?

The front pads are good, the rear shoe is a little worn,

he’s got a huge joint that’s about to go bad but it will get them there and back.

And I found this in the glove compartment.

It’s a fake ID. It says he’s 25.

- Get out of here. - Yes, sir.

[audience laughing]

Listen son, I know that you think that I may be a little old fashioned or something like that

but I have something that I kind of like to show you that

has great significance to me.

- It’s a tattoo. - Yeah.

Something, just a little something that I got overseas.

I was part of the SKC unit when I was there.

What’s that?

That’s nothing, in particular, I was a paid assassin.

Ok, here’s your tea.

Is he showing you that tattoo?

Yes ma’am.

I guess he told you that story about the men in the Philippines that he killed, too?

Assassinated, honey.

Assassinated, but you were working for the government,

he always leaves that part out.

Hi Doug, sorry you had to wait.

- Hi sweetheart. How are you? - Don’t you look sweet.

You know, it’s a little chilly out, I think she needs a sweater.

Yes, you need a sweater, sweetie.

I’ll go get it.

[audience laughing]

What time do you want me to come home, daddy?

With me, it really doesn’t matter at all.

I could care less.

Let’s just leave that up to him.

Well, I was thinking I’d have Jennifer home by 10?

What?

9:30?

Yeah, I guess that sounds OK.

Ok, well, I guess I’ll see you later.

Well, I...

I guess I will be waiting here.

[audience cheering]

[music]

[Announer:] And now, weekend update with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

[audience cheering]

Well, thank you, good evening, what can I tell you,

former President Richard Nixon said this week that if he were

still in charge, he’d order the CIA to assassinate Saddam Hussein.

The former president won on to say,

but then again I always enjoyed a good cover up.

Senator Edward Kennedy, this week, came down

from a second floor sex party he was attending in Boston

to answer questions about the Palm Beach incident.

This is Michelle Kasson, a Palm Beach waitress,

who was one of the party guests at the Kennedy compound

on the now notorious Friday night.

Michelle, has been giving numerous interviews,

appearing on all the talk shows and if she hasn’t milked it enough already,

she announce this week that she might soon appear semi-nude

in Penthouse Magazine.

Don’t do that to me, baby.

[audience cheering]

When I see Michelle, I wonder who was working at the door of the bar that night.

[audience laughing]

You know, the parents of the victim of the alleged Kennedy compound sex scandal

have announced plans to file suit

against NBC News Chief Michael Gartner for disclosing her name,

reached for a comment, an NBC spokesperson said,

if a law suit is inevitable, lay back and enjoy it.

[audience laughing]

It was revealed this week that Kitty Kelley’s national book tour

to promote her Nancy Reagan book was abruptly canceled

by her publisher, Simon and Schuster when they learned

she was receiving death threats for writing the book.

Of course, you’re all familiar with Kelley’s book,

the Reaganic Verses which is now number one on the bestseller list.

[audience applauding]

Frank Sinatra told a concert audience in Phoenix on Thursday,

I hope the next time Kitty Kelley crosses the street,

four blind guys come along driving cars.

Sinatra denied any connection to the quote to the fact that

on Friday, he bought Lincoln Town cars for his friends

Ray Charles, Jose Feliciano, Stevie Wonder, and Ronnie Millsap.

[audience applauding]

You know, that Kitty Kelley book is so full of lies, like,

Ronald Reagan was actually capable of helping Nancy

run the government. Yeah right. Thank you.

Now an editorial on the Nancy Reagan biography,

here is Mr. Subliminal, welcome, Mr. Subliminal.

[audience cheering]

Last night, I finished reading this sickening piece of trash Pulitzer,

how would Kitty Kelley lie about such a fine, classy lady

like Nancy Reagan, slut.

I mean... What kind of position, do you think this puts our first lady in?

Doggy style. I mean, after all...

[audience laughing]

This is the woman who taught us to just say no, Frank Sinatra.

I mean, come on. Right?

Ronald and Nancy had a special relationship, Aben Costello.

Sure, he may have, you know, he might have listened to her opinions,

took orders, but if anyone had the last word,

it was him, yes dear, let’s face it.

I don’t know how much of this book is true, 100%, but if any,

it’s good that we could get this information out of the closet, Marv Griffin.

I have to be honest with you, though...

No, I got to be honest with you, seriously.

[audience applauding]

I don’t know anyone else who would purposely go out and try to hurt someone, LAPD,

and instead of hounding... [audience laughing]

Instead of hounding this very respectable couple, senile,

that are no longer, you know, they’re not even in public office, thank God.

I think people like Kitty Kelley would do well

to focus her attention on America’s real problem,

Kennedys, now. Let me tell you something,

as for me, heterosexual, I will never, ever recommend this book, see the movie.

- Thank you, Dennis. - Thank you, Mr. Subliminal.

[audience cheering]

Thank you, Mr. Subliminal. Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Subliminal, too long, you know...

[audience laughing]

General Norman Schwarzkopf collapsed in fainted this week

during a speaking engagement in Kuwait City.

Secretary of transportation Samuel skinner held a news conference

outside the U.S. capitol after speaking with legislators in Washington.

He told the crowd of Congress didn’t agree with his views.

He would swat them all with his giant hands.

[audience laughing]

You know, in an effort to make up, the city of LA

has sent beating victim Rodney King a gift for his birthday.

It’s a piñata shaped like an LA Cop. And...

[audience laughing]

And now a visit, a visit from Saturday Night Live’s travel correspondent,

first visit, please welcome, Adam Sandler.

- Welcome, Adam. - Thank you, Dennis.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, hello everybody.

Saturday Night Live recently sent me to Greece

to see if it’s a good place for our home viewers to spend their summer vacation

and I got to tell you, I had a blast there.

I stayed at the Sheraton Socrates in downtown Athens

just 5 minutes from the Acropolis

and my room was unbelievable.

I mean, it had everything, a color TV, two twin beds,

the big bathroom with a phone right next to the toilet,

cool refrigerators with sodas and candy in it.

I mean, if people in Greece really know how to treat you,

so right away, I start jumping up and down on the bed,

you know, they were like, extra springy, I mean,

I was getting great height, like my face was coming inches from the ceiling.

It was scary and I probably could have got hurt myself

but I figured, hey, how often do you make it to Greece, right?

Then you know what I did?

I went to the bathroom and I took one of those little sample shampoos

and the free shower cap they give and I made a paratrooper out of it.

I named him Captain Prel

and I just threw him out of the window, man,

he really took off.

I saw him float for a little while but then I lost sight

of him because it was kind of dark out.

So the next day, I just went down to get him but I couldn’t find him,

maybe someone else pick him up, I’ll never know,

that’s the weird thing.

Man, I came back towards my room,

there was this guy in front of me who just kept turning around

and looking at me.

His room was two away from mine said he thought I was following him

and it was just so fun to watch how nervous he was

because I was behind him, so I just started following people

throughout the hotel, you know.

I was following them to the pool to the sauna or something,

just sit next to them and when they’d leave,

I’d follow them back to their rooms.

If I did this to eight people, one lady snapped at me and yelled let me,

will you get away from me?

And it kind of frightened me so I didn’t say anything back.

I just went up to my room and watch Bullderm on pay-per-view,

it was pretty good, I’ve seen it before.

After the movie, just for fun, I ordered a hamburger from room service.

I just kept playing with the delivery guy.

He’d knocked on my door and it was like,

"Your hamburger is here", and I go, "I didn’t order anything."

And he goes, "Are you staying in room 2206?"

And I go, "Yeah, but I didn’t order anything, sorry."

Then when he left, I ran over and called room service again,

I go, "Excuse me, where is my burger?

I’ve been waiting quite some time for it."

And then the guy came back up and I was like, I told you,

"I didn’t order anything."

This went on like two more times and finally room service, people

just started hanging up on but it was fun, you know.

Then I really was hungry so I got a milky way and a coke

out of the little refrigerator and just watch MacGyver.

It was a great one, MacGyver got trapped somewhere,

then he got out, he makes weapons out of nothing, this guy you know.

MacGyver he’s cool, he’s really cool.

So, I fell asleep for a little while but when I woke up,

it it’s my final morning and the TV was still on

so I cut the tail end of Hawaii Five-0.

Hey, that was cool.

Then I went to check out of the hotel and before I did that,

I stopped at the lost and found desk and right before leaving,

I see you, I stopped at the lost and found desk and I just ask the guy,

"Have you seen my paratrooper guy?"

And they said no but even so, I still had a really great time in Greece

and I recommend it to all of you. Dennis?

Thank you. It was good. It was great.

[audience applauding]

Maybe I was a little hard on Mr. Subliminal.

[audience laughing]

Here we see four nuns, members of a religious order,

caught smuggling 22 pounds of cocaine in Ecuador last Tuesday.

Talk about their nasty habits, I believe, on the right,

that’s Sister Guadalupe Scarface.

While they smuggle the blow, I’m the bad guy. All right, good.

The McDonald’s company this week announced plans to cut back on its garbage.

A 40 step program that would reduce its daily generation

of two million pounds of garbage by 80%.

The company plans to trim the size of its paper napkins,

replace ketchup packets with stainless steel dispensers,

introduced a refillable coffee mugs and "begin to make our milk shakes

with a liquid from our own planet".

[audience laughing]

And firefighters in Kuwait who are still putting out

the hundreds of burning oil wells, claim the Iraqis are not fully to blame.

They suspect Donnie Wahlberg started the fire during the New Kids last tour.

Guess what folks?

[audience cheering]

Hello, I’m Casey Kasem.

You know, tonight, in the number one spot,

a little song for a good cause.

A cause most people don’t even think about.

It all began when TV and radio personality Rick Dees

and retro psychedelic singer Lenny Kravitz walked into a famous LA bistro.

They ordered a Caesar salad.

But the famous chef told the hungry duo

he couldn’t prepare a Caesar salad because the raw egg’s so vital to the dressing

were not from free range chickens.

Rick Dees flew into a rage saying chickens are like you and me

except they’re chickens.

[audience laughing]

He and Kravitz called recent Oscar winner Whoopi Goldberg,

she said, listen my man, we’ve got to do something.

Something for the millions of chicken all over the country

who live in tiny overcrowded pens.

Together, they gathered some of the biggest names in the music industry.

The result, you are about to see, the title is simple,

musicians for free range chickens.

- OK everybody, let’s do it. - Yeah.

* We turn our backs too long, we see that something’s wrong. *

* There needs to be some changes made. *

* Now, we just can’t ignore, the wrongs we’ve done before. *

* To you and every egg you made. *

* You sat inside your shell, you never knew the hell, *

* That was waiting here for you. *

* Now, we understand *

* Lend a helping hand *

* Now let us make it clear to you. *

* Raise your hand, raise your voice, *

* give the chickens another choice. *

* Join with me, set them free, *

* brothers and sisters, *

* let the chickens be. *

* Mr. Farmer, take that feeding tube out of that chickens’ throat. *

* Out of that chickens’ throat. *

* Let’s build a world where cages don’t exist. *

* No, no, that don’t exist. *

Tell the children to tell the world

to tell the chickens we are on our way

so everybody, I want you to put your hands up like this,

put them up like this. I love you, don’t touch me, I love you.

* Raise your hands, raise your voice, *

* give the chickens another choice. *

[Unintelligible lyrics]

* Raise your voice, *

* give the chickens another choice, *

* set them free, set them free, *

* brothers and sisters, *

* let the chickens be. *

* Raise your hands, raise your voice, *

* give the chickens another choice. *

* Brothers and sisters, brothers and sisters, *

* let the chickens be. *

* Let the chickens be. *

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] And now deep thoughts by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:] Any time I see something screech across a room

and latch on to someone’s neck

and the guy screams and tries to get if off,

I have to laugh because what is that thing?

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] Live from Compton California, BETTV,

that’s Black Entertainment Television Presents,

the Dark Side with Nat X, the only show on TV

written by a brother, produced by a brother,

and strictly for the brothers.

Now, get ready for a man who is so black, he sweats oil,

step back because here comes Nat.

[audience cheering]

Peace, brothers and sisters.

I’m Nat X and welcome to the dark side.

The only 15-minute show on TV.

Why only 15 minutes?

Because if the man gave me anything less, it would be a commercial.

And I think we all know who the man is.

I’m talking about the same man that cause a white mouse to pet

and feed the cheese, and cause a black mouse a wreck

and tries to kill it.

I’m talking about the same man that invented the game of pool.

A game that isn’t won until the white cue ball knocks

all the colored balls off the table.

All right, it’s Saturday night.

You know what that means, it’s time for a viewer mail.

Sandman, come out and read me a letter.

Tonight’s letter comes from Elisa cooper of Oakland, California

and she writes, "Dear Nat,

you seem like a very tense man.

What do you do to relax?

Well, little girl, when I have time off, I like to go bowling.

You see, there’s nothing I like better than taking that big black ball

and throwing it into those 10 white pins with the rednecks.

[police siren]

White man cam, get out of here.

That’s how you want me but you’re not going to get me.

You’re not going to get me.

That’s what you want to see. That’s what you want to see.

Boy, haven’t had that much fun

since Angie Mama took that rag off of her head.

[audience laughing]

All right, now it’s time for the top five, top five list.

Why five?

Because 10 would make the man loose sleep.

Tonight, the top five reasons the LA cops beat up Rodney King.

Reason number five, they hate paperwork.

Reason number four, thought he was Mexican.

Reason number three, trying to impress Jodie Foster.

Reason number two, upset over the portrayal of white people on "In Living Color".

And the number one reason the LA cops beat up Rodney king:

they just saw "New Jack City".

[audience cheering]

And that’s the top five and now let me hurry up with the show

before the man pulls the plug on me.

My only guest tonight is one of the most controversial comedians

in the country, please welcome, Andrew Dice Clay.

[music]

It’s a beautiful day.

Sit you white pass down.

How you doing, Nat?

It’s nice to be on your show here.

I’m glad you could make it, Mr. Dice.

I understand you got a lot of free time on your hands since Ford Fairlane.

What are you talking about?

Fort Fair Lane is one of the best movies ever made

and I kick any --- movie producer’s ---- that you could say didn’t make

their kind of money.

Well, I’m not saying it was a bum but last week

the Klu Klux Klan tried to tie one of this under my car.

[audience laughing]

It wasn’t my fault, it was the critics, you know, the critics,

they’re just a bunch of over paid ----.

So what’s up next for the dice man?

You got a movie coming out this summer?

No.

How about next summer?

No, but I’m amazing anyway.

Just because I treat the chicks like the pigs that they are.

So, are you going to go see a movie?

Hey, I ain’t see you in any movies,

and what’s the afro anyway?

You look like Link from the Mob Squad.

[audience laughing]

Eh?

Oh, it’s 1991.

You know, why don’t you cut it square, badabing.

Ooh.

Eh.

All right, cracker boy, I got a nursery rhyme for you.

There once was a white man named Dice

who looked like Fonzy on steroids,

blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah.

My big black foot in your ass.

[audience cheering]

All right, we got to go.

We got to go, hey Dice, maybe you’ll be in Grease III.

Tune in next week with Stupid White people tricks.

Peace.

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:] I’d like to see a nude opera,

because when they hit those high notes,

I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

Thank you all very much for coming tonight.

Thank you all very much for watching.

Thank you, Michael Bolton, and thank you all.

Thank you.

[audience cheering]

[music]