All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S16E18.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

[Announer:]
It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carby,

Phil Hartmann,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Dennis Miller,

Mike Myers,

and Kevin Nealon,

with Chris Farley,

Tim Millow,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney

and featuring Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade,

GE Smith and the Saturday
Night Live band,

musical guest Michael Bolton.

And starring, Steven Segal.

[audience cheering]

Care, compassion, dedication.

These are the things we can
promise you at Winston Macauley
funeral home.

And there’s one other thing
we can promise:

that we will never
have sex with any dead body.

How can we guarantee
this level of service?

First, we rigorously test our
applicants for aptitude and
intelligence

and also to make sure that they
don’t have the urge to have sex

with dead bodies.

And if any of our employees
fails to live up
to our standards

or is caught having sex
with a dead body,

he can be suspended without
pay for up to six months

and if that’s not enough,

you have my personal assurance
that if you can prove

your loved one was the victim
of a postmortem sex,

I would discount your
bill with us for a full $1000,

that’s the Winston
Macauley guarantee.

[Narrator:]
Care, compassion,

dedication
and absolutely no sex.

Winston Macauley funeral home.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:]
The following is an NBC
special presentation.

In Live from the Grover
Cleveland, civic pavilion

in Palm Springs, California,
it’s time for another in our

continuing series of individual
tribute, to each and every
soldier

who served in the Persian Gulf.

Tonight, and all-star celebrity
tribute to private first class

Reginald Lee Adams, starring
comedian, Louie Anderson,

illusionists Doug Henning,
Ann Julian, Barbara Mandrell,

Tony Orlando and the yellow
ribbon dancers,

the People’s Republic
of China gymnastic team,

Kuwaiti prince Falheed
Already-Sabah and his wives.

The Denver Symphony
Orchestra and many others.

Now here are your co-hosts
for tonight’s tribute,

from TV’s magnum PI,
Mr. Tom Selig

and from humorous other TV
special, Ms. Barbara Mandrell.

[audience cheering]

Hello, Barbara, how
are you tonight?

Well, Tom, I’m still a little
pooped after last night’s

All-Star salute to
Lieutenant Jeffrey Acker.

I know what you mean, that was
some salute but hang in there

because after the show, we’ll be
two-fifths away through the A’s.

All right.

[audience cheering]

Ok, let’s meet tonight’s hero.

He’s an army reservist from
East St. Louis, Illinois,

who spent two months stationed
in a military supply depot

in the Arabian Desert.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight
we salute private first class,

Reginald Lee Adams.

[audience cheering]

How do you feel
tonight, private?

Very honored to be here,
there’re so many soldiers

who were there longer
than I was.

Don’t worry, they’ll each
get their own tributes, too.

Oh yes, they will, because...

* Every single soldier
is a hero *

* Every single one
deserves a cheero *

* We’re so proud
that you must know *

* Everyone will get a show *

* Stars are out so let’s go. *

[audience cheering]

Let’s go, private.

We’ve been keeping a seat warm
for you over here, come on.

You bet. Come on.

Yeah.

All right, to start things off,
Private Adams, someone I think

you’ll recognize has something
he wants to say to you:

Mr. President.

Good evening, I’m honored
to have this opportunity

to personally thank you...

Private Reginald Adams...

...for your effort
in the Persian Gulf.

Without men like you,
Private Reginald Adams,

Kuwait will be less free.

Let’s not forget the courage
that your beautiful wife, Mary,

no, children, they waited
fatefully at home

in East St. Louis, Illinois,

that are so happy that you
returned... unharmed.

Thank you, God bless.

[audience cheering]

I never, never, never get
tired of watching that.

So, are you enjoying
your tribute so far.

Yeah, it’s OK.

That’s great, you know,
while stationed in the Gulf,

the only way Private Adams could
keep in touch with loved ones
at home

was talking on the telephone
or by writing letters.

Here to read one of the letters
he wrote to his best friend,

Ernie Phillips, is America’s
legendary leading man,

Mr. Charlton Heston.

[audience cheering]

December 12, 1990,
Dear Ernie,

three months in the Arabian
Desert and man, am I horny.

I think I’d lose my mind if
it weren’t for masturbation.

[audience laughing]

At first, I try to hide it but
now, it’s so out in the open,

there’s no point.

Everyone’s doing it,
enlisted men, officers,

even the press corps.

If you ask me,
this whole operation

is one big wank-a-thon.

Well, I better sign off
as I have to get back to work.

Signed, Reginald Lee Adams. PFC.

[audience applauding]

Private Adams, how does it
feel to have a great actor

like Charlton Heston
reading your words?

Well, it was an honor.
Who picked that letter?

Mr. Heston did.

[audience laughing]

When our friends, the Kuwaitis,
heard we were doing this
tribute,

they ask if there was
any way they could participate.

So here to preset you with
a gift is Kuwaiti prince

Falheed Already-Sabah
and his wives.

[music]

Mr. Reginald Adams, the Kuwaiti
people would like to thank you

for your effort.

When I was in exile
at the Sheraton hotel in Monaco,

I often thought of you fighting
in my behalf, therefore,

in recognition of your efforts,

a concrete step
in the fresh water Jacuzzi

in my newly constructed
winter palace

will bear your name.

[audience cheering]

What an honor and now, here to
sing a song he wrote
just for you,

please welcome Tony Orlando
and the yellow ribbon dancers.

[music]

* I’m Private Adams
and I’m back. *

* I’m 24, 5 foot nine,
and I’m black. *

* I’ve got 20/30 vision
and my blood type is AB, *

* I can’t wait to see my old
friends at 320 East Boulevard, *

* in East St. Louis. *
Everybody, come on.

* Tie a yellow ribbon
for Private Reginald Adams, *

* he is 5 foot nine,
and allergic to penicillin, *

Come on, join in.

* If I don’t see a yellow ribbon
for Private Reginald Adams. *

* I will be a material
transport specialist, *

* next armor personnel carrier *

* and get married at 17. *

* If I don’t see a yellow ribbon
for Reginald Adams, PFC. *

[audience applauding]

[Announer:]
We’ll return with the gymnasts

from the People’s Republic
of China

and the Aleutians of
Doug Henning when the All-Star
celebrity tribute

to private first class
Reginald Lee Adams continues.

[door bell]

Oh, I’ll get it.

Well, hello, you must be
Jennifer’s date?

Doug, right?

- Yeah.
- I’m Mrs. Novak.

Hi. Come on in,
sit down, sit down,

and Jennifer will be in a jiffy.

You know, Mrs. Novak, I can see
where Jennifer gets her good
looks.

For an older lady, you’re
holding up pretty well.

[audience laughing]

Well, thank you, Doug.

I wish my mom looked
as good as you. She’s a sow.

[audience laughing]

Well, I’m sure that your mother
is beautiful in her own way.

No.

[audience laughing]

Well, oh, honey, hi, hey look,
this is Jennifer’s date, Doug.

This is Jennifer’s dad.

Mr. Novak.

I think this kid
needs an ashtray.

OK, I’ll go get it.

So, you graduating this year?

I might.

Do you have any plans?

- No, no plans.
- No.

That makes me very
nervous, you know,

people who see my daughter
should have plans.

Well, I like shop and
I’m real good with cars.

Well, that’s good because that
means in the middle of the night

I won’t get a phone call
that your car broke down,

that’s why you’re late
or anything like that, will I?

- Uh, no.
- That’s good.

Ok dok, here’s your ashtray,
you seem to...

You seem to be getting along
just fine.

Is everything OK?

I think Dougie needs a soda.

Ok, I’ll go get it.

[audience laughing]

Man, your daughter
sure does take her time?

What?

Does that bother you?

No, no.

That’s a nice watch
you got there.

Yeah, my grandmother gave it
to me last year for graduation.

[audience laughing]

Well, I’m glad she did because
I guess that means that

I won’t be getting
a phone call from you

that you lost track of time
or anything like that, will I?

No, probably not, not
with my new watch.

Whoa Doug, hey Doug,
you’re looking good, man.

Hey, Randy.

I heard you
my might graduate this year.

Might.

Is that your car out there?
Wow, it looks so cool from here.

Did you clean it or what?

Why don’t you go out
and look at it,

I’m sure dougie won’t mind.

Just don’t touch it, man.

Oh, whoo, cool car.

[audience laughing]

So, what are you planning to do
this evening with my daughter?

We’re going to party,
hope you don’t mind.

Well, I guess it wouldn’t matter
if I did

because I wouldn’t be there
at the time.

I’d be here waiting.

Yes, yes, sir.

What are you reading?

This is called silent killers.

[audience laughing]

Is it any good?

It’s very informative.

Ok dok, here’s your
soda, Doug.

Hey, honey how about
some coffee?

I’ve got some decaf back
there, you want some?

Herbal tea, honey.

Herbal tea?

I’ll go get it.

All right,
I checked out the car.

The left rear tire is a little
warm, but he’s got a spare
and the jack works.

That oil is OK, the paint
is scoffed but not leaking.

The tire rods need new brakes.

- How about the brakes?
- The brakes, oh?

The front pads are good,
the rear shoe is a little worn,

he’s got a huge joint that’s
about to go bad but it will get
them there and back.

And I found this
in the glove compartment.

It’s a fake ID. It says he’s 25.

- Get out of here.
- Yes, sir.

[audience laughing]

Listen son, I know that you
think that I may be a little old
fashioned or something like that

but I have something that I kind
of like to show you that

has great significance to me.

- It’s a tattoo.
- Yeah.

Something, just a little
something that I got overseas.

I was part of the SKC
unit when I was there.

What’s that?

That’s nothing, in particular,
I was a paid assassin.

Ok, here’s your tea.

Is he showing you that tattoo?

Yes ma’am.

I guess he told you that story
about the men in the Philippines
that he killed, too?

Assassinated, honey.

Assassinated, but you were
working for the government,

he always
leaves that part out.

Hi Doug, sorry you had to wait.

- Hi sweetheart. How are you?
- Don’t you look sweet.

You know, it’s a little chilly
out, I think she needs
a sweater.

Yes, you need
a sweater, sweetie.

I’ll go get it.

[audience laughing]

What time do you want
me to come home, daddy?

With me, it really
doesn’t matter at all.

I could care less.

Let’s just leave that up to him.

Well, I was thinking
I’d have Jennifer home by 10?

What?

9:30?

Yeah, I guess that sounds OK.

Ok, well, I guess
I’ll see you later.

Well, I...

I guess I will be waiting here.

[audience cheering]

[music]

[Announer:]
And now, weekend update with
anchorperson Dennis Miller.

[audience cheering]

Well, thank you, good evening,
what can I tell you,

former President Richard Nixon
said this week that if he were

still in charge, he’d order
the CIA to assassinate Saddam
Hussein.

The former president
won on to say,

but then again I always
enjoyed a good cover up.

Senator Edward Kennedy,
this week, came down

from a second floor
sex party he was attending
in Boston

to answer questions
about the Palm Beach incident.

This is Michelle Kasson,
a Palm Beach waitress,

who was one of the party guests
at the Kennedy compound

on the now notorious
Friday night.

Michelle, has been giving
numerous interviews,

appearing on all the talk shows
and if she hasn’t milked it
enough already,

she announce this week that
she might soon appear semi-nude

in Penthouse Magazine.

Don’t do that to me, baby.

[audience cheering]

When I see Michelle, I wonder
who was working at the door
of the bar that night.

[audience laughing]

You know, the parents of
the victim of the alleged
Kennedy compound sex scandal

have announced plans
to file suit

against NBC News Chief
Michael Gartner for disclosing
her name,

reached for a comment,
an NBC spokesperson said,

if a law suit is inevitable,
lay back and enjoy it.

[audience laughing]

It was revealed this week that
Kitty Kelley’s national book
tour

to promote her Nancy Reagan
book was abruptly canceled

by her publisher, Simon and
Schuster when they learned

she was receiving death threats
for writing the book.

Of course, you’re all
familiar with Kelley’s book,

the Reaganic Verses which is
now number one on the bestseller
list.

[audience applauding]

Frank Sinatra told a concert
audience in Phoenix on Thursday,

I hope the next time Kitty
Kelley crosses the street,

four blind guys come along
driving cars.

Sinatra denied any connection
to the quote to the fact that

on Friday, he bought Lincoln
Town cars for his friends

Ray Charles, Jose Feliciano,
Stevie Wonder,
and Ronnie Millsap.

[audience applauding]

You know, that Kitty Kelley
book is so full of lies, like,

Ronald Reagan was actually
capable of helping Nancy

run the government. Yeah right.
Thank you.

Now an editorial
on the Nancy Reagan biography,

here is Mr. Subliminal,
welcome, Mr. Subliminal.

[audience cheering]

Last night, I finished
reading this sickening piece
of trash Pulitzer,

how would Kitty Kelley lie
about such a fine, classy lady

like Nancy Reagan, slut.

I mean... What kind of position,
do you think this puts our first
lady in?

Doggy style.
I mean, after all...

[audience laughing]

This is the woman who taught us
to just say no, Frank Sinatra.

I mean, come on. Right?

Ronald and Nancy had a special
relationship, Aben Costello.

Sure, he may have, you know,
he might have listened to her
opinions,

took orders, but
if anyone had the last word,

it was him, yes dear,
let’s face it.

I don’t know how much of this
book is true, 100%, but if any,

it’s good that we could get this
information out of the closet,
Marv Griffin.

I have to be honest
with you, though...

No, I got to be honest
with you, seriously.

[audience applauding]

I don’t know anyone else who
would purposely go out and
try to hurt someone, LAPD,

and instead of hounding...
[audience laughing]

Instead of hounding this very
respectable couple, senile,

that are no longer, you know,
they’re not even in public
office, thank God.

I think people like Kitty Kelley
would do well

to focus her attention
on America’s real problem,

Kennedys, now.
Let me tell you something,

as for me, heterosexual,
I will never, ever recommend
this book, see the movie.

- Thank you, Dennis.
- Thank you, Mr. Subliminal.

[audience cheering]

Thank you, Mr. Subliminal.
Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Subliminal,
too long, you know...

[audience laughing]

General Norman Schwarzkopf
collapsed in fainted this week

during a speaking
engagement in Kuwait City.

Secretary of transportation
Samuel skinner held a news
conference

outside the U.S. capitol after
speaking with legislators in
Washington.

He told the crowd of Congress
didn’t agree with his views.

He would swat them all
with his giant hands.

[audience laughing]

You know, in an effort to make
up, the city of LA

has sent beating victim Rodney
King a gift for his birthday.

It’s a piñata shaped like
an LA Cop. And...

[audience laughing]

And now a visit, a visit from
Saturday Night Live’s travel
correspondent,

first visit, please welcome,
Adam Sandler.

- Welcome, Adam.
- Thank you, Dennis.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
hello everybody.

Saturday Night Live
recently sent me to Greece

to see if it’s a good place for
our home viewers to spend
their summer vacation

and I got to tell you,
I had a blast there.

I stayed at the Sheraton
Socrates in downtown Athens

just 5 minutes
from the Acropolis

and my room was unbelievable.

I mean, it had everything,
a color TV, two twin beds,

the big bathroom with a phone
right next to the toilet,

cool refrigerators with
sodas and candy in it.

I mean, if people in Greece
really know how to treat you,

so right away, I start jumping
up and down on the bed,

you know, they were like,
extra springy, I mean,

I was getting great height,
like my face was coming inches
from the ceiling.

It was scary and I probably
could have got hurt myself

but I figured, hey, how often do
you make it to Greece, right?

Then you know what I did?

I went to the bathroom and
I took one of those little
sample shampoos

and the free shower
cap they give and I made
a paratrooper out of it.

I named him Captain Prel

and I just threw him
out of the window, man,

he really took off.

I saw him float for a little
while but then I lost sight

of him because it was
kind of dark out.

So the next day, I just went
down to get him but I couldn’t
find him,

maybe someone else pick him up,
I’ll never know,

that’s the weird thing.

Man, I came back
towards my room,

there was this guy in front of
me who just kept turning around

and looking at me.

His room was two away from mine
said he thought I was following
him

and it was just so fun
to watch how nervous he was

because I was behind him, so I
just started following people

throughout the hotel, you know.

I was following them to the
pool to the sauna or something,

just sit next to them
and when they’d leave,

I’d follow them back
to their rooms.

If I did this to eight people,
one lady snapped at me
and yelled let me,

will you get away from me?

And it kind of frightened me
so I didn’t say anything back.

I just went up to my room and
watch Bullderm on pay-per-view,

it was pretty good,
I’ve seen it before.

After the movie, just for fun,
I ordered a hamburger from room
service.

I just kept playing
with the delivery guy.

He’d knocked on my door
and it was like,

"Your hamburger is here", and
I go, "I didn’t order anything."

And he goes, "Are you
staying in room 2206?"

And I go, "Yeah, but I didn’t
order anything, sorry."

Then when he left, I ran over
and called room service again,

I go, "Excuse me,
where is my burger?

I’ve been waiting
quite some time for it."

And then the guy came back up
and I was like, I told you,

"I didn’t order anything."

This went on like two more
times and finally room service,
people

just started hanging up
on but it was fun, you know.

Then I really was hungry so I
got a milky way and a coke

out of the little refrigerator
and just watch MacGyver.

It was a great one, MacGyver
got trapped somewhere,

then he got out, he makes
weapons out of nothing,
this guy you know.

MacGyver he’s cool,
he’s really cool.

So, I fell asleep for a little
while but when I woke up,

it it’s my final morning and
the TV was still on

so I cut the tail end
of Hawaii Five-0.

Hey, that was cool.

Then I went to check out of
the hotel and before I did that,

I stopped at the lost and found
desk and right before leaving,

I see you, I stopped at the lost
and found desk and I just ask
the guy,

"Have you seen
my paratrooper guy?"

And they said no but even so,
I still had a really great time
in Greece

and I recommend
it to all of you. Dennis?

Thank you. It was good.
It was great.

[audience applauding]

Maybe I was a little
hard on Mr. Subliminal.

[audience laughing]

Here we see four nuns, members
of a religious order,

caught smuggling 22 pounds of
cocaine in Ecuador last Tuesday.

Talk about their nasty habits,
I believe, on the right,

that’s Sister
Guadalupe Scarface.

While they smuggle
the blow, I’m the bad guy.
All right, good.

The McDonald’s company this week
announced plans to cut back
on its garbage.

A 40 step program that would
reduce its daily generation

of two million pounds
of garbage by 80%.

The company plans to trim
the size of its paper napkins,

replace ketchup packets with
stainless steel dispensers,

introduced a refillable coffee
mugs and "begin to make
our milk shakes

with a liquid
from our own planet".

[audience laughing]

And firefighters in Kuwait
who are still putting out

the hundreds of burning
oil wells, claim the Iraqis are
not fully to blame.

They suspect Donnie Wahlberg
started the fire during
the New Kids last tour.

Guess what folks?

[audience cheering]

Hello, I’m Casey Kasem.

You know, tonight,
in the number one spot,

a little song for a good cause.

A cause most people
don’t even think about.

It all began when TV and radio
personality Rick Dees

and retro psychedelic singer
Lenny Kravitz walked into
a famous LA bistro.

They ordered a Caesar salad.

But the famous chef told
the hungry duo

he couldn’t prepare a Caesar
salad because the raw egg’s so
vital to the dressing

were not
from free range chickens.

Rick Dees flew into a rage
saying chickens are like
you and me

except they’re chickens.

[audience laughing]

He and Kravitz called recent
Oscar winner Whoopi Goldberg,

she said, listen my man,
we’ve got to do something.

Something for the millions of
chicken all over the country

who live in tiny
overcrowded pens.

Together, they gathered some of
the biggest names in the music
industry.

The result, you are about
to see, the title is simple,

musicians for free
range chickens.

- OK everybody, let’s do it.
- Yeah.

* We turn our backs too long,
we see that something’s wrong. *

* There needs to be
some changes made. *

* Now, we just can’t ignore,
the wrongs we’ve done before. *

* To you and every egg
you made. *

* You sat inside your shell,
you never knew the hell, *

* That was waiting here
for you. *

* Now, we understand *

* Lend a helping hand *

* Now let us
make it clear to you. *

* Raise your hand,
raise your voice, *

* give the chickens
another choice. *

* Join with me,
set them free, *

* brothers and sisters, *

* let the chickens be. *

* Mr. Farmer, take that feeding
tube out of that chickens’
throat. *

* Out of that
chickens’ throat. *

* Let’s build a world
where cages don’t exist. *

* No, no, that don’t exist. *

Tell the children
to tell the world

to tell the chickens
we are on our way

so everybody, I want you to put
your hands up like this,

put them up like this. I love
you, don’t touch me, I love you.

* Raise your hands,
raise your voice, *

* give the chickens
another choice. *

[Unintelligible lyrics]

* Raise your voice, *

* give the chickens
another choice, *

* set them free,
set them free, *

* brothers and sisters, *

* let the chickens be. *

* Raise your hands,
raise your voice, *

* give the chickens
another choice. *

* Brothers and sisters,
brothers and sisters, *

* let the chickens be. *

* Let the chickens be. *

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:]
And now deep thoughts
by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:]
Any time I see something
screech across a room

and latch on to someone’s neck

and the guy screams
and tries to get if off,

I have to laugh because
what is that thing?

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:]
Live from Compton
California, BETTV,

that’s Black Entertainment
Television Presents,

the Dark Side with Nat X,
the only show on TV

written by a brother,
produced by a brother,

and strictly for the brothers.

Now, get ready for a man who
is so black, he sweats oil,

step back because
here comes Nat.

[audience cheering]

Peace, brothers and sisters.

I’m Nat X and welcome
to the dark side.

The only 15-minute show on TV.

Why only 15 minutes?

Because if the man gave me
anything less, it would be
a commercial.

And I think we all
know who the man is.

I’m talking about the same man
that cause a white mouse to pet

and feed the cheese, and cause
a black mouse a wreck

and tries to kill it.

I’m talking about the same man
that invented the game of pool.

A game that isn’t won until
the white cue ball knocks

all the colored balls
off the table.

All right, it’s Saturday night.

You know what that means, it’s
time for a viewer mail.

Sandman, come out
and read me a letter.

Tonight’s letter comes from
Elisa cooper of Oakland,
California

and she writes,
"Dear Nat,

you seem like
a very tense man.

What do you do to relax?

Well, little girl, when I have
time off, I like to go bowling.

You see, there’s nothing I like
better than taking that big
black ball

and throwing it into
those 10 white pins
with the rednecks.

[police siren]

White man cam,
get out of here.

That’s how you want me but
you’re not going to get me.

You’re not going to get me.

That’s what you want to see.
That’s what you want to see.

Boy, haven’t had that much fun

since Angie Mama took that
rag off of her head.

[audience laughing]

All right, now it’s time for
the top five, top five list.

Why five?

Because 10 would make
the man loose sleep.

Tonight, the top five reasons
the LA cops beat up Rodney King.

Reason number five,
they hate paperwork.

Reason number four,
thought he was Mexican.

Reason number three, trying
to impress Jodie Foster.

Reason number two, upset over
the portrayal of white people
on "In Living Color".

And the number one reason
the LA cops beat up Rodney king:

they just saw "New Jack City".

[audience cheering]

And that’s the top five and now
let me hurry up with the show

before the man pulls
the plug on me.

My only guest tonight is one of
the most controversial comedians

in the country, please
welcome, Andrew Dice Clay.

[music]

It’s a beautiful day.

Sit you white pass down.

How you doing, Nat?

It’s nice to be
on your show here.

I’m glad you could
make it, Mr. Dice.

I understand you got a lot of
free time on your hands
since Ford Fairlane.

What are you talking about?

Fort Fair Lane is one of the
best movies ever made

and I kick any --- movie
producer’s ---- that you could
say didn’t make

their kind of money.

Well, I’m not saying it was
a bum but last week

the Klu Klux Klan tried to tie
one of this under my car.

[audience laughing]

It wasn’t my fault, it was the
critics, you know, the critics,

they’re just a bunch
of over paid ----.

So what’s up next
for the dice man?

You got a movie coming
out this summer?

No.

How about next summer?

No, but I’m amazing anyway.

Just because I treat
the chicks like the pigs
that they are.

So, are you going
to go see a movie?

Hey, I ain’t see
you in any movies,

and what’s the afro anyway?

You look like Link
from the Mob Squad.

[audience laughing]

Eh?

Oh, it’s 1991.

You know, why don’t you
cut it square, badabing.

Ooh.

Eh.

All right, cracker boy,
I got a nursery rhyme for you.

There once was a white man
named Dice

who looked like Fonzy
on steroids,

blah blah blah,
blah blah blah blah.

My big black foot in your ass.

[audience cheering]

All right, we got to go.

We got to go, hey Dice,
maybe you’ll be in Grease III.

Tune in next week with
Stupid White people tricks.

Peace.

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:]
And now, Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:]
I’d like to see a nude opera,

because when they hit
those high notes,

I bet you can really
see it in those genitals.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

Thank you all very much
for coming tonight.

Thank you all very much
for watching.

Thank you, Michael Bolton,
and thank you all.

Thank you.

[audience cheering]

[music]