Original subtitles

(Announcer:) The following segment is a dramatization based on rumor

and innuendo that are a lot of fun and to think about.

(Laughter)

(Knock on the door)

The President’s almost ready for his speech, Mrs. Reagan.

- Will you be going downstairs? - In a few minutes. Thank you.

Very well.

Excuse me.

Chinese food delivery.

That’s okay. I... I ordered it.

Very well.

(Laughter)

Frank.

Oh, Frank.

Let’s swing, baby!

Oh, you’re good!

Hey, where did you get the costume, huh?

It’s the real McCoy, baby.

I got it off at the delivery boy.

Really? And what’s he wearing?

Wings!

(Laughter)

And look, I got some moo shu pork out of it.

I figured, after we shtup, we can have some chink food!

(Laughter)

You think of everything!

(Door knock)

Sorry, Mrs. Reagan, but we’re about to start.

Oh, that’s okay.

I’ll be fine up here.

Alright, ma’am, good enough.

Move on, buddy, I’m a coat rack.

(Laughter)

Oh, Frank, you are wonderful!

You’re playing with an old pro, baby.

I’ve made it with every first lady since Eleanor Roosevelt!

Oh, no, Frank.

Frank, I don’t want to hear it.

You know, I once did Pat Nixon in an airplane jaunt.

Oh, tell...

Tell me I’m the best, Frank! Tell me I’m the best!

You got the best rack.

But a guy could eat off Bess Truman’s ass.

(Laughter)

Come here, greaseball, and make me pay!

You can count on it!

Good evening, my fellow Americans...

Oh, good. He’s started his speech.

I love to watch him on TV. It gets me so hot!

It makes me think he’s watching me!

I like it, too!

...the deficit had met with great success.

Our recent sale of arms to our friends, the Iraqis,

will provide a boost to the economy

as well as protecting our interests abroad.

Furthermore, I’ve spoken with the savings and loan officials

and I’m convinced that these fellows

don’t need government regulation

getting in the way of free enterprise.

Now, before I go into my plan to help the Contras,

I’d like to tell you about the man I’ve chosen to skipper

a very important oil tanker, Captain Joseph Hazelwood.

(Laughter)

Captain Hazelwood is a man of experience...

- Oh, yeah! - Start spreading the news!

Oooohhhhh! Oh yeah, baby!

One of the most important things the President must do

is to assess the skills and the character of the man who ran with him.

And in my six years in this office,

I’d like to think that...

Oh! Oh, my.

(Laughter and applause)

That’s just Frank and Nancy going at it.

Where was I?

Oh, yes.

Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

(Music playing)

(Applause and cheers)

(Announcer:) It’s Saturday Night Live

with Dana Carvey,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Dennis Miller,

Mike Myers,

and Kevin Nealon,

with Chris Farley,

Tim Meadows,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney,

and featuring Al Franken,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade,

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band,

musical guest R.E.M,

and starring Catherine O’Hara.

Ladies and gentlemen, Catherine O’Hara.

(Applause and cheers)

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

I’m shocked and delighted to be here

with our musical guest, R.E.M.

(Applause and cheers)

And it’s a serious thrill for me to be on TV

and in front of a live audience.

I’ve been in front of a live audience for years,

way back improvisational theatre I used to do it and I loved it.

So, if you don’t mind, tonight, I would like to improvise for you.

Huh, I would like to make up a song on the spot

based on a book title suggested by a member of the audience.

So, if you have a book title, please raise your hand.

Yes, you. Oh, wait, no, don’t tell me.

Before you tell me the book title, I want to make sure

everyone knows this is not rehearsed in anyway.

We’re improvising.

- Do you work for NBC? - No.

Okay, do you work for Saturday Night Live?

- No. - Do you know me?

- No. - No, no. Are you an actor?

No.

Uh, would you lie to the public on TV?

- No. - No, you wouldn’t.

Okay, he’s quick. What’s your book title?

- Bonfire of the Vanities - Bonfire of the Vanities.

No, I don’t like that one. Anyone else?

Yes, what’s yours?

- Art of the Deal. - Art of the Deal.

Okay! Okay, I’m going to improvise the song, on the spot,

for you tonight.

The book will be based on the book title Presumed Innocent.

(Laughter)

Uh, help me out here.

Hi, Sherra, hi, G.E.

Could I have, uh, some drums please?

Uh, just tum tums. Just tum tums.

Yeah, and, uh, some kind of, uh, heavy metal rock ballad,

kind of, you know.

(Guitar playing)

Oh, yeah.

(Laughter)

Okay, a bit up of a...

oh, I just love Zamfir.

Do you have anything like that?

(Piano playing)

Oh, I don’t suppose the band has a sousaphone?

No.

No? Wedlock!

(Laughter)

Okay.

Uh, oh wait, did I mention I wouldn’t be singing in English?

Oh, no.

I would be singing in just Canadian.

(Laughter)

Uh, but I...

(Laughter, applause, cheers)

Yes, it is another language altogether.

So, but...

uh, to interpret for me, to translate,

I have a wonderful improvisational group joining me

from Bucks County, Pennsylvania, Yes and No But.

(Applause and cheers)

Okay, alright, alright.

The book title is Presumed Innocent.

Presumed Innocent.

Okay. Are you ready?

(Whistle)

(Gibberish singing)

(Laughter)

Kathleen met Richard the man of her dreams at the planetarium.

(Gibberish singing)

(Laughter)

He was a nice man with hoofed feet and smelled of garlic.

(Laughter)

(Gibberish singing)

How do I say shanelo?

She fell instantly in love with his wit and sense of justice.

(Laughter)

(Gibberish singing)

But she couldn’t help but notice a police man beating up a man

and Daryl Gates laughing.

(Laughter)

(Gibberish singing)

Oh, yes.

(Laughter)

Everybody now.

(Gibberish singing)

This too will pass.

(Gibberish laughing)

We’ll be together forever.

(Gibberish singing)

God is in his heavens.

(Gibberish laughing)

It was not a good idea, right?

(Gibberish)

And then after they went to a planetarium,

they went to Alcoholics Anonymous,

and they had pudding and watched the TV coverage

of the cops being beaten.

(Laughter)

(Gibberish singing)

(Applause and cheers)

Presumed Innocent.

We’ll be right back! We got a show with R.E.M.

Please stay with us.

(Applause and cheers)

(Music Playing)

(Announcer:) It’s MTV’s Spring Break live from the Kennedy Compound

with guest VJ, Christina Applegate.

(Cheers)

Hi, everybody!

Hi, everybody.

Christina Applegate here.

That was the CnC Music Factory, and we are down here

at the Kennedy Compound rocking out for Spring Break.

(Cheers)

I tell you...

I tell you this Kennedys know how to party.

Now!

With me as usual is my co-guest VJ, the granddaddy,

partier of them all, Senator Ted Kennedy.

(Cheers)

- Kennedy. - MTV! I want my MTV!

We’re having fun down here.

Get down here!

Alright, Teddy.

Alright, Christina, I wanted you to know I’ve had a real blast

in the last three days.

You know, I’d like uh, show my appreciation by making you

an honorary Kennedy, alright!

Wow, that’d be great!

Well, then, okay.

Uh, why don’t you just, uh, come up with the house...

Come up to the house with me and I’ll show you

how we make someone, an honorary... Kennedy.

Okay.

Now, Christine, you are, uh, 19.

Yes.

Initiation Florida.

Whoo! MTV!

(Cheers and laughter)

While I’m being initiated in the rights of the Kennedy clan,

let’s check in with the Nelsons.

Alright!

(Cheers)

Okay. All right. Thank you, Christina.

Gunnar Nelson here.

You know, the Kennedys are known for their competitive spirit,

from touch football to hardball politics, you know,

from mountain climbing to a beer bong chugalug contest.

Yeah.

You know, the Kennedys like to win.

Am I right, Matthew?

Right you are, Gunnar.

Alright.

Okay.

But during Spring Break week, the serious competition

is the Joseph P. Kennedy Memorial 22nd Chick Pickup.

Okay? Now, with us, we have Andy Shriver, is it? Okay.

All right.

Now, Andrew, uh, how exactly are you a Kennedy buddy?

Well, uh, my mother is a Eunice Kennedy-Shriver.

And she is the sister of, uh, Teddy and Bobby, and John,

and my grandparents were, of course, Joe and Rose.

Alright.

Killer, okay.

Alright.

Well, let’s bring in the chicky, where is she?

Alright, okay.

Alright, now, you know the rules, Andy.

You got 20 seconds to tear it up.

(Clock ticking)

I see you’re, uh, from Syracuse.

Yes.

Well, uh, yeah, I went to Harvard.

Uhhuh.

And, uh, yeah, I...

I just saw, uh, Silence of the Lambs.

Did you see Silence of the Lambs?

- No. - You’ve got five seconds.

- Uh, I’m a Kennedy. - Really?

- Let’s go! - Alright.

Killer. Alright.

Anyway, you have to give him credit for not saying Kennedy till the last two seconds.

- Totally. - Alright.

We’re now gonna throw it over to Flavor Flav from Public Enemy.

Flavor!

(Cheers)

Yeah, boy.

Yo, now since you all doing swell...

Now speaking of winners, I’m chilling with the winner

of the MTV Spend-A-Week- With-A-Kennedy Contest.

Boing!

(Cheers)

This is my man, Scott Stolberg. A sophomore at Ball State.

He’s full effect!

Show them what you’ve got.

Well, you know, I had been hoping to hang with, you know,

John Jr. or Teddy, or, I don’t know,

even one of the Laufer kids but...

you know, but Rose is cool, you know.

(Laughter)

Basically, you know, I like...

I wheel her around and stuff, and I feed her, you know,

and there’s plenty of naps.

Yeah, old Rose, tell everybody and wish luck!

I’m cold!

You, old Rose, you’re colder than a mountain peak

’cause you’re a hundred-year-old freak.

Now, let’s watch a new video from My Boys and Poise band.

(Cheers)

MTV! I want my MTV!

(Announer:) We’ll be back with more Spring Break

from the Kennedy Compound on MTV.

- Well, thanks. - Oh, you’re welcome.

- Have a nice weekend. - You, too.

(Door chimes sound)

After you, sir.

(Applause and cheers)

Or ma’am.

Thank you.

* A lot of people say, "What’s that?" *

* It’s Pat. *

* A lot of people ask, "Who’s he or she?" *

* A ma’am or a sir, accept him or her, *

* or whatever it might be. *

* It’s time for androgyne, here comes Pat. *

(Applause)

(Laughter)

(Laughter)

- Hello. - Hello.

May I help you, sir, for anything?

Ma’am?

Old music, perhaps?

I won’t be needing any Mambo music today.

I need some disposable razors.

Alrighty. Alrighty.

We have the pink, uh, Daisy shaver with the moisture strip.

Or the Gillette DoubleEdged Ruby.

(Laughter)

Uh, which would you prefer?

Which is less expensive?

The Gillette.

Fine.

Good, good, good.

Now, that would be $2.23.

Oh, wait a minute, I haven’t completed my purchases.

(Laughter)

So, uh, I’m sorry.

I need some lotion for aftershaving.

Oh, no problem, no prob.

Help me here.

Would you be needing a bracing tonic, or perhaps,

a nice soothing lotion for, uh, uh,

the area or areas you might be shaving, whatever...

...wherever those areas might be.

Vaseline Intensive Care.

Good, good.

Yes, everybody likes that.

Okay, time to pay, go on your way.

That was 7.65.

Wait a minute.

I have to purchase something else.

Ohoh.

What is it?

Antiperspirant.

Roll on or spray?

Is there anything on sale?

Secret, uh, strong enough for a woman but made for a man.

(Laughter)

Fine.

Okay, good. There you go.

That will be $10.43, let’s save and even, $10.00,

and then you can go and be on your way, okay?

But wait a minute. I need something else.

What?

It’s kind of embarrassing to ask for.

(Laughter)

What? What? What? What? What’d you need?

I don’t want you to think I am creepy.

(Laughter)

Oh, no!

I... did you think that I... No! I wouldn’t...

Some prophylactics.

Oh, condoms! Oh yes!

Oh, oh, condoms.

Good except you...

even if you were you could...

just the same, you...

Well, I think contraception is the responsibility of both partners.

What can I say? I’m a very sexual being.

(Laughter)

Really? You don’t... You don’t have to tell me that.

You don’t have to... I don’t need to know.

I don’t... oh, please, no.

(Laughter)

* It’s time for androgyne. *

* That’s just Pat. *

(Applause)

(Announcer:) And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination

should automatically disqualify you.

(Laughter and applause)

(Music playing)

(Announer:) And now, Weekend Update with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you. Good evening.

And what I can tell you?

The Kitty Kelley unauthorized biography of Nancy Reagan

was released this week.

And you know, I think, it’s kind of unfair.

I mean, would Kitty Kelley’s life standup to this kind of scrutiny?

I mean, what...

what if we delved in into all of her sexual liaisons.

Okay, forget sex. What if we look into our finances?

(Laughter)

Now, as I gather it, the book reveals that Mrs. Reagan

liked to have sex when she was single,

doesn’t get along with one of her kids,

likes to wear nice clothes,

was interested in her husband’s job, had a crush on Sinatra,

and took a hit off a joint one night at a party.

I think I’ve just described everybody in America, huh.

(Laughter and applause)

You know, as far as smoking a joint goes,

I saw Ronald Reagan on TV earlier this week,

and it must have been a great pot

because he still looks really screwed up.

(Laughter and applause)

The most startling revelation that come out of the Kelly book

to me is that Ronald Reagan was married,

before Nancy, to Bill Wyman from the Rolling Stones.

(Laughter)

And you know, I mean, who marries the bass player?

(Laughter)

The government of Yugoslavia was overthrown this week

by a group calling themselves Six Guys in Bad Suits.

(Laughter)

Here, we see an artist’s rendition of the $600million Gamma Ray Observatory

carried aloft by the space shuttle Atlantis.

The observatory is expected to lock into a huge black hole

that has been spotted on the outskirts of our galaxy.

You all know what a black hole is;

that’s a place where everything that enters doesn’t come out, including light,

sort of like the Kennedy Compound in Palm Beach.

Hollywood Insiders reported today that Senator Edward Kennedy

and his nephew, William "Willie" Kennedy Smith,

have agreed to costar in the new motion picture,

Will and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

(Laughter, cheers, applause)

Oh, it’s just some horny guys, those Kennedys, huh.

(Laughter)

A lot of things went on in the Kennedy Compound that night,

and I get the feeling we’ll never really know what the answers are to all of them,

but I can pretty much guarantee this:

Teddy was not the designated driver that night.

Can you believe how voyeuristic the news is this week?

One, that our country turned into Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched.

(Laughter)

Kentucky Fried Chicken this week announced

that they will no longer go by the name Kentucky Fried Chicken

which they think is an old name.

They’ll now refer to themselves as KFC.

(Laughter)

Guys, come on. Let’s check it. I’ll hop in to get one.

(Laughter)

Mexican national Anchelto Rosales stands behind more than two tons of cocaine

that the Mexico City Police found in his intestinal tract.

(Laughter)

"I’m glad it’s over," said Rosales.

(Laughter)

And here with what’s in and what’s hot in the spring

is our own, David Spade. Welcome, David.

(Applause and cheers)

Thank you.

Thank you, Dennis.

Okay, here we go.

In Henckle and Jeckle.

Hmm, sorry, Jeckle.

In Tide, out problem stains.

In, most flight attendants;

out, flight attendants that tell you the name of the pilot

when you get on the plane like anyone says,

"Oh, he’s good. I like his work."

Out, sleeping with enemy; in, sleeping with me.

Yeah, really, yeah, come on, I kind of look like a keeper.

(Laughter)

Out, pretty girls that try to emerge in front of your car in the freeway.

They’re out because if you do let them,

they’ll rarely pull over and have sex with you later. Rarely!

In, guys who say, "Sorry, honey, you ain’t getting in front of the Accord.

Try the sucker and the Vega behind me, he looks weak!

Out, not enunciating so the sensors can’t buzz me;

in, going out after the show and getting a hottie.

(Laughter, applause, cheers)

In, in, Minoxidil; out, your money and your hair.

In, Catherine O’Hara for being a hardworking, talented actress

and still finding time to look beautiful;

out, kissing ass to the host so you can get the Home Alone sequel.

Come on, I can play twelve.

(Makes sound)

Out, Migs, I finally saw the LA police beating tape on the news;

in, my mistaking it for a New Print commercial.

Inside, outside, leave me alone!

Inside, outside, no one is at home.

In, me singing, so chicks will think I’m cool and maybe I can get some hottie.

In, out, in, out, in, out. Whoo!

I’d better slow down, I’m getting woody. Back to you, Denny.

(Laughter, applause, cheers)

Paid back.

We know what you really meant.

It was reported this week that whites are now a minority

in New York City. And you know what?

I’m getting sick of being hassled by the man.

(Laughter and applause)

New York Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden makes $16.2 million for the next three years.

That’s $1.00 for every time he will adjust his penis on the mouth.

(Laughter)

Golf pro Ian Woosnam leads the masters at the Augusta National Golf Club

which now has one black member.

The new PGA policy of sponsoring tournaments only at integrated golf clubs

is starting to have an effect.

This year, over 200 country clubs nationwide have offered

memberships to blacks.

"The problem," said General Colin Powell,

"is how many golf clubs can one guy join?"

(Laughter)

You know, Miss Saigonopened this week in New York City.

(Helicopter noise)

Limited effects budget.

(Laughter)

Jon Lovitz, Bruce Boxleitner, Louise Fletcher and Sandra Bernhard

have just started shooting the top billing episode

for HBO’s "Tales from the Crypt" series.

Lovitz plays as down and out actor who kills his competition

to get a partner production of Hamlet.

Hey, when’d HBO start doing documentaries?

(Laughter)

Adam Rich, the lovable little tyke from "Eight is Enough"

was arrested this week for allegedly breaking into a pharmacy

with the intent to rob in Los Angeles, California.

The show, which is at reruns, has been altered this week

and will be shown as a new show entitled

"Eight Is Probably One Too Many."

Merv Griffin was sued this week by former employee Brent Plott

claiming he was Griffin’s lover.

Hey, wait a second. Is he saying that Merv is gay?

(Laughter)

Well, then, what am I doing watching "Wheel of Fortune?"

Hey, wait a second.

Wheel is a great show.

Does it really matter that its creator is gay?

I think I’ve got a lot of growing up to do.

(Laughter)

In a geographical note, the island nation of Puerto Rico

this week changed its name to Puerto Rico Suave.

(Laughter and cheers)

And First Lady Barbara Bush admitted last week

that her signature pearls are indeed a family heirloom.

The olivesize stones are actually springs of baby pterodactyloids

given to her by her great grandmother Wilma Flinstone.

(Laughter and applause)

And scientists revealed this week that they may have discovered

an important clue in the mystery of human conception.

A new study suggest that the substance in the fluid

surrounding a woman’s egg beckons waiting sperms

to swim over when the egg is ready to be fertilized.

The substance is called a "scotch-and-soda."

And guess what, folks?

(Laughter, applause, cheers)

(Music Plays)

(Male voice:) I deserve good things.

I am entitled to my share of happiness.

I refuse to beat myself up.

I am an attractive person.

I am fun to be with.

(Announer:) Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer,

a member of several 12step programs,

but not a licensed therapist.

I’m gonna do a terrific show today.

And I’m going to help people because I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me.

Hello, I am Stuart Smalley.

I’ve had a hard time focusing on myself this week because

I’ve been so upset about what’s happening in Iraq to the Kurds.

It has been just a horrendous week for them.

And so, today, I have decided to share my experience,

strength and hope with any Kurds who might be watching.

(Laughter)

First of all, when I’ve had a bad week, I try to recite...

...to remember to recite the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things

I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Now, you are a Kurd. Can you change your situation?

Probably, not.

It’s out of your control.

But what can you change?

Your attitude.

(Laughter)

You are angry, and that’s okay.

You’re entitled to your anger.

You’re angry at President Bush because he urged you to rebel

against Saddam Hussein, and then he abandoned you.

He made a mistake, which is okay.

President Bush is not perfect.

He is a human being and human beings make mistakes.

And you’re angry at Saddam Hussein

who is a very sick person,

who obviously hates himself and he’s taking it out on you.

I was in a similar situation once.

I was in a three-year relationship with a radioholic.

And finally, I just realized I’ve got to get out of here

because no way am I going to change this person.

So, you’re angry at President Bush and Saddam Hussein,

and most of all, you’re angry at God,

because how could a kind and loving God

allow these terrible things to happen,

and I don’t know the answer to that question because sometimes

I get so angry at God and I think there is no higher power,

maybe the world is just one big chaotic mess and I don’t know

what I’m doing and maybe they should just cancel this show.

But that is thinking, thinking, and I refuse to beat myself up.

Okay, I’m sorry.

Um, we still have time for a short affirmation.

So, look in the mirror.

Come on, don’t look at me. Only you can help you.

Say, "Hello, me. I am a Kurd."

(Laughter)

I’m glad I’m a Kurd.

I am fun to be with.

(Laughter)

Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggone it,

people like me.

Not everybody...

But that’s their problem.

And your problem too... Okay, I’m sorry.

This is not my best show but that’s okay because this is

Stuart Smalley saying...

"I’m good enough, I’m smart enough,

and, doggone it, people like me."

(Announcer:) This has been today’s Daily Affirmation

with Stuart Smalley.

(Applause)

(Music Plays)

(Announcer:) And now Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

(Male voice:) He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.

He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt

and married her.

But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.

Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said,

"Dust to dust,"

some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.

At his hanging, he told the others,

"I’ll be waiting for you in heaven with a gun."

(Applause and cheers)

(Music playing)

Where is Sheila?

I don’t know.

It’s too sad. He was too young.

And too cute.

Yeah. Why didn’t they ever get married?

They lived together forever.

Why buy a pig when you could get the pork for free?

Right.

(Laughter)

How long did she live with them?

Seventeen years.

I thought she was Catholic.

Oh, don’t think she didn’t bring it up every day.

He finally proposed a few years ago.

That’s right. He said he’d make her a June bride.

- June 31st. - So, what happened?

There is no June 31st.

Ohhuh, oh, man. He was bad.

Yeah, but good bad.

Yeah, the best bad.

(Laughter)

(Organ playing)

My dear friends.

(Laughter)

Sheila?

My dear friends,

brothers, sisters,

we are all gathered here

in the eyes of our dear father and mother,

drawn together by our loss...

...and our gains,

for we are not losing a son...

...but gaining a daughter.

(Laughter)

In this blessed sacrament of holy...

...a holy moment such as this.

Sheila Sharpe...

You... by the grace of our parents... uh...

...and the path our heart has chosen or your heart has chosen,

uh... stand here, alone!

(Laughter)

But ready to give yourself to the blessed sacrament of...

Uh...

Do you, Sheila Sharpe, take Bob... Woody Bob...

...to be your lawfully wedded husband

to have and to hold from this day forward,

for better or for worse,

through sickness and health, till death do us part.

(Laughter)

(Makes sound)

(Laughter)

No.

(Yell)

(Laughter)

(Organ playing)

My dear friends, brothers, sisters, what a sad,

sad occasion to unite us on this unusually warm day.

(Applause)

(Music Plays)

(Announcer:) And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

(Male voice:) If I ever opened a trampoline store,

I don’t think I’d call it Trampo-Land,

because you might think it was a store for tramps,

which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store.

On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing

or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp’s gyrations

seemed to be getting out of control.

(Applause and cheers)

I wanna thank you all so much for joining us this Saturday night.

Thank you. Lorne Michaels. Thank you, Ms. Wells.

Thank you casts and crews of Saturday Night Live, R.E.M., Randy Quaid.

Oh, thank you, Lord.

(Laughter and Applause)

(Music Playing)