All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S16E15.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

[Narrator:]
The following is
a special report.

The President’s Second
Post-Gulf War Address.

[Narrator:] The Doorkeeper
to the House will now introduce
the President.

Mr. Speaker, the President
of the United States.

[audience applauding]

[Narrator:]
The President has
entered the House Chamber.

This will be his second address
to a Joint session

since the successful conclusion
of Operation Desert Storm.

The first speech went so well,

some 20 standing ovations,
that is was decided

that a second speech could

to a nation in the midst
of a recession.

We have read a transcript
of tonight’s address,

and the President will refer
to Operation Desert Storm

many, many times.

Uh, there is Vice President
Quayle and Speaker Foley,

and there is the President
greeting them.

I asked the Vice President
earlier if he’d heard rumors

that he might be dropped
from the ticket in ’92,

for General Colin Powell,
and the Vice President said

that he had not.

And now, the Speaker
will introduce.

Members of Congress,
distinguished guests,

the President
of the United States

[audience applauding]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Operation Desert Storm.

[audience applauding]

Three words that symbolize all
that is great about America.

[audience applauding]

And all that is great
about our young Americans.

[audience applauding]

You know, not so long ago,
there were some who claimed

that our country
had lost its way.

[audience laughing]

Well, my answer to them
is Operation Desert Storm.

[audience applauding]

Now, Operation Desert Storm...

[audience laughing]

...has not solved
all of America’s problems,

[audience laughing]

but, surely, the nation

that can mount
an Operation Desert Storm...

[audience laughing]

that nation can
solve any problem.

[audience applauding]

[audience laughing]

That is the real lesson
of Operation Desert Storm.

[audience laughing]

That the American people will
never back down from tyranny.

[audience applauding]

Now, there are those who say
that Operation Desert Storm...

[audience laughing]

...is a triumph for George Bush.

[audience applauding]

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

But if Operation Desert
Storm was a success,

it’s really due to the efforts
of men like General Norman
Schwarzkopf,

[audience applauding]

Secretary of Defense
Dick Cheney,

[audience applauding]

Secretary of State Jim Baker,

[audience applauding]

My Vice President
Dan Quayle...

[ticking sound]

[audience laughing]

...and most of all,

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs
of Staff, General Colin Powell.

[audience applauding]

Bravo!

Whoo-hoo!

Bravo!

Well, who knows, you know,
maybe, not so long from now,

Colin will be
standing right here,

the first black American
to grace a major party ticket

and the first black president
of the United States of America.

[audience laughing]

Powell! Powell! Powell!

Powell! Powell! Powell!

Powell! Powell! Powell!

Powell! Powell! Powell!

Pow--A

Live, from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

[music]

[Announcer:]
It’s Saturday Night Live,

with Dana Carvey,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Dennis Miller,

Mike Meyers,

and Kevin Nealon,

with Chris Farley,

Tim Meadows,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney

and featuring
A. Whitney Brown,

Al Franken,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade,

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live band.

Musical guest,
the Black Crowes.

And Starring, Michael J. Fox.

[audience applauding]

[Narrator:]
You look good now,
but you could look better.

You’ve tried all the hair
replacement products

but nothing seems to work.

Well, now, there is a solution.

It’s Chia Head.

Scientist and gardeners
at the Chia Institute
in Chia, Wisconsin,

have finally found
the answer to male baldness.

It’s quick and easy to use.

Just apply the scientifically
formulated Chia mud
to your scalp.

Then add the Chia seeds.

Sprinkle with water,

and get a good night sleep.

You’ll see results immediately,

and with your full head
of Chia hair,

you’ll attack
the day with new confidence.

Here’s what our
clients are saying.

Let’s be frank,
it’s an unfair world

and personal appearance
does matter.

Going bald at 16
was tough on me, but now,

I feel like one
of the guys again.

A lot of products make a lot of
promises, but I can tell you,

Chia Head actually works.

[Narrator:]
So if you have male pattern
baldness, get the edge.

The Chia edge.

Do not expose Chia wigs
to direct sunlight.

Excessive moisture may
hasten decomposition.

Not to be used in salads.

[audience laughing]

[Knock on door]

Come in.

You wanted to see me,
Mr. Shamo?

Are you, Jasper?

Uh, yes, sir that’s right.

And yes, please, come on in.
Have a seat.

Thanks very much.

Now, you’re new,
is that correct?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir just did my first
performance about two hours ago.

Yes, well, that’s what I
wanted to talk to you about.

We’ve already received
several complaints.

What about? My act?

Yes, I’m afraid so.

Now, you bill yourself as
Jasper the singing clown.

Is that right?

No, stinging.

Jasper the stinging clown.

Oh, so you don’t sing.
We thought you did.

No. No, not at all.
No. Flattered though. Thanks.

[audience laughing]

Could you describe your act?

Oh, absolutely, sure.

First, I come out and I do this
kind of funny walk, you know,

then I say, "Hey, boys and
girls. Hi, boys and girls."

That’s good. It’s good.

And I-and then I go
to my bag and I pull out...

a bunch of stinging metals

and then I run up to the boys
and girls and I hit them,

on the arms and the legs,
with the stinging metals.

And they like that?

Oh, I think they do.

[audience laughing]

Now, do you use something
you call your stinger?

Yes. Yes.

Okay, what it is, it’s a yard
stick and then on the end of it,

I put a, you know, a large
sewing needle

and then I go up in the audience
and I go,

"Here comes, Mr. Stinger."

Sets like by saying you know,
"Here comes, Mr. Sting."

Then I go up in the audience
and I poke people

with the needle.

Not in the face though.

[audience laughing]

It’s a great act.

Excuse me, sir,
would you step outside.

- I’ll be with you in a minute.
- Thanks.

[audience laughing]

Well, Jasper, I’m afraid we’re
gonna have to let you go.

What?

But why?

Well...

we just don’t feel that
a stinging clown fits in here

at the Friendly Bunny Circus.

Well...

well, I could learn to sing.

Yes, but would you be
willing to stop stinging?

No.

All right, well, you can pick
up your paycheck at the window.

Look, what about-- What about
Freddy the Flatulator?

He’s gone too.

What about Spitty?

Well, Spitty has changed
his act. He sings now.

Yeah, but he’s still spits
on everybody when he sings.

[audience laughing]

I’m sorry, really, would you
send in the next gentlemen
when you leave?

Remember this face, mister.

Now, are you Exposesoo?

[audience laughing]

Yes, sir.

Could you describe
your act for me?

[audience cheering]

[Narrator:]
And now, Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

Better not take a dog
on the space shuttle,

because if he sticks his head
out when you’re coming home

his face might burn up.

[audience applauding]

[music]

[Announcer:]
And now, Weekend Update with
anchor person, Dennis Miller.

[audience cheering]

Good evening
and what can I tell you?

You know, ladies and gentlemen,
when I was driving

over to the show tonight,
I witnessed an auto accident

in which an ancient Indian chief
was killed, and...

...now the Indian spirit
dwells inside of me,

and the worse thing
about it is, you know,

I’m pretty sure
he has a hemorrhoid.

[audience laughing]

Well, the film, New Jack City,
opened in Los Angeles this week.

A riot ensued and police moved
in to disperse the crowd.

Los Angeles police then decried,
New Jack City as a violent,

exploitative film
and you know folks,

if anybody knows what a violent,
exploitative film looks like,

it’s got to be the LAPD.

[audience laughing]

I guess we all owe,
Jaja and apology, huh?

[audience laughing]

Well...

[audience applauding]

well, while we were
away the war ended.

What was Saddam
Hussein thinking?

I wouldn’t let this guy
organize a bridal shower,

much less a major
military campaign.

You know the last time I saw
a battle plan like that

I was playing Stratego
with Julie Landers.

[audience laughing]

Hussein is like Wile E. Cayote
in a red beret.

* Run like an Iraqi. *

A thoroughly defeated President
Hussein this week announced

to his cabinet that all future
cabinet meetings will be held

in the empty cabinet,
right behind him.

[audience laughing]

CNN correspondent, Peter
Arnett finally left Baghdad

for Jerusalem where he plans
to marry, Kimberly Moore,
an Israeli TV announcer.

Arnett is writing his own
marriage vows which he will then
have cleared by Iraqi sensors.

[audience laughing]

And The Road Company of
A Chorus Line opened in Baghdad,
Iraq this week.

Iraqi theater critics
urge Baghdad citizens run,

do no walk to see this play.

Coalition forces kept Iraqi
prisoners of war busy,

awaiting the release by playing
marathon sessions of Simon says.

[audience laughing]

New York St. Patrick’s Day
parade was held yesterday

and for the first time
in the parade’s history,

homosexual contingent marched.
So it is gay like thing.

Now...

Here...

Once again is A. Whitney Brown
with the Big Picture, welcome.

Nice to be here, man.

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you very much.
Well, my friends we won the war.

I say we, as do most
Americans, even though,

I personally didn’t contribute
anything to the war effort,

unless you count body English
while watching bomb films
on CNN.

As a matter of fact, no one
in my immediate family served
over there either.

You know come to think of it,
none of my ancestors have

ever served in the military
of any country as far back
as we can remember.

I come from a long line
of cowards

and I’m not proud of that,

but on the other hand
there are a lot of Browns
in the world today.

You know,
if you don’t believe me,

just look up Brown in your local
phonebooks sometime,
and you’ll see what I mean.

Then just as a comparison,
see if you can find any Custers.

[audience laughing]

Nevertheless, I share the pride
most Americans have in our
fighting forces right now.

It’s been a long road
rebuilding from Vietnam.

We started slowly, Granada,

maybe it didn’t take a lot of
military strategy to knock over

a fruit stand with two aircraft
carriers but...

you have to crawl
before you can walk.

And then Panama, and those
people had knives...

[audience laughing]

Believe me they knew
how to use them.

Finally, a real war, Iraq.

We won that and now,
we’re getting ready to tackle

the toughest enemy of all,
our own criminals.

It’s a natural progression,
Granada, Panama, Iraq, Detroit.

[audience laughing]

The president announces
a strategy last week,

mainly it’s this, he wants
to extend the death penalty

to include treason
and espionage.

You know, it’s nice to know that
if I’m riding the subway at 3 am

next to a gang of kids
with sharpened screw drivers,

they’ll think twice
about spying on me.

[audience laughing]

I feel a lot safer already.

That’s the Big Picture
and God bless you...

A. Whitney Brown.
Thank you, Whitney.

Thank you, Buddy.

Whitney Brown,
ladies and gentlemen.

[audience applauding]

Thank you, Whit.

Earlier this week,
President Bush cracked

former British Prime Minister
Margaret Thatcher

across the face
with the back of his hand

and then gave her a medal
when she didn’t cry.

[audience laughing]

And President Bush met this
week with General
Maxwell R. Thurman

and offered to lend him
part of his chin.

[audience laughing]

The Busher, the Baker
and the "can’t do zip" faker.

[audience laughing]

Secretary of State, James
Baker, feeling very smog,

smiled a slight smile this week
after crazy gluing

the Kuwaiti crown princess’s
crank to his hand.

Later on, on his journey Baker
got two more guys in Riyadh.

[audience laughing]

Also, Secretary of State Baker
met with the Syrian President

Hafez al-Assad at a Wicks
furniture outlet in downtown
Damascus.

[audience laughing]

Defense Secretary
Dick Cheney this week,

conferred with his top
adviser, Sister Betril,

the flying nun who he keeps
in the inside pocket
of his suit jacket.

[audience laughing]

This week, the Food and Drug
Administration recalled

a number of products, which is
good because, you know,

they usually forget.

[audience laughing]

If looks could kill,
let’s get Grieco a mirror.

[audience laughing]

You know...

[audience applauding]

The anti-Grieco lobby kicks in.

You know, I thought I saw it
coming when they took that trip
to the front together.

[audience laughing]

Well, it won’t be the first case
of a guy falling in love
with a secretary and...

General Powell announced that
now that the war is over,

he plans to lose some weight
and return to his old job

as the lead singer
of the Fine Young Cannibals.

[audience applauding]

So long Jules, take care.

Guess what folks,
that’s the news...

[audience applauding]

[Narrator:]
And now, Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

When the age of
the Vikings came to a close,

they must have sensed it.

Probably, they gathered
together one evening,

slapped each other on the back
and said, "Hey, good job."

[audience applauding]

[Voices:]
I deserve good things.

I am entitled to my
share of happiness.

I refuse to beat myself up.

I am an attractive person.

I am fun to be with.

[Narrator:]
Daily Affirmation
with Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley is
a caring nurturer.

A member of several
twelve-step programs,

but not a licensed therapist.

I’m going to do
a terrific show today

and I’m going to help people
because I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough and doggone it,
people like me.

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley.

As you know, I’m a very
rigid person

because I’m a perfectionist,
which is my problem,

but that’s... okay.

So, I have decided
to break form,

take a risk and start today’s
show by reading a letter.

Dear Stuart, I worked in a very
dysfunctional environment,

who doesn’t?

Your show Tuesday on the topic
"I am a human being,

not a human doing"
was a life saver.

Thank god, you’re on at noon so
that I can use my lunch break

to feel good about me.

With that attitude of
gratitude, Mellissa Crusciedo.

Well, Mellissa, I have
some very bad news.

As of next Monday, we will
no longer be on at 12 noon,

instead, we will be seen
at 2:35 am.

[audience laughing]

Evidently, someone who shall go
nameless believes

that a hair replacement
infomercial can help more people

than I can and I’m very angry,
but that’s okay.

It’s all right to be angry.

I use to be afraid of my anger,
because I thought that

if I allowed myself to be angry
that I would kill someone,
literally.

That I would commit a homicide
and so I would stuff my anger

and I stuff my face

and that’s
why I weighed nearly 300 lbs.

But that’s before I learned
a very simple tool,

the Daily Affirmation, which is
why I feel so strongly

about the show
and why it is a crime

for one person, Ross Wineman,

who is herself
very dysfunctional

and who herself weighs
nearly 300 lbs,

to move my show

for her own sick,
twisted, agenda.

Okay, that was inappropriate.

[audience laughing]

And I should not have mentioned
Ross’s name and Ross,
I owe an amends

and I apologize for saying
that you are overweight,

which you are...

[audience laughing]

But that’s okay.

You’re a beautiful
person, somewhere.

[audience laughing]

And now, I’m feeling guilty
for my anger, and...

I’m beginning to think maybe,
Ross is right.

Maybe the show just is garbage
and maybe they should cancel
the show,

but that is just thinking,
thinking...

and I refuse to beat myself up.

Okay, we still have a short time
for a short affirmation

and so look in the mirror,
come on don’t look at me,

only you can help you.

That’s it say, "Hello, me.

I am not a doormat.

I have a right to my anger,
but I will not express it

in a self-destructive way."

For example,
publicly accusing someone

who has control over my job,

even if she is sick and in
her disease, like Ross Wineman.

[audience laughing]

Okay, I’m sorry. I did it again.

Okay, this was not my best
show, but that’s okay,

because this is
Stuart Smalley saying,

"I’m good enough.

I’m smart enough, and
doggone it, people like me."

[Announcer:]
This has been today’s
Daily Affirmation

with Stuart Smalley.

[audience laughing]

[Announcer:]
And now, Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

[Narrator:]
To me, boxing is like a ballet,
except there’s no music,

no choreography
and the dancers hit each other.

[audience cheering]

Hey, if anybody ever asks you
if you want to host this show,

say yes. This is great.

I’m so glad I came and I’m so
glad I did it

and thank you very much and
good night and thanks everybody.

Black Crowes
and everything, great.

[audience applauding]