Original subtitles

[Narrator:] The following is a special report.

The President’s Second Post-Gulf War Address.

[Narrator:] The Doorkeeper to the House will now introduce the President.

Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States.

[audience applauding]

[Narrator:] The President has entered the House Chamber.

This will be his second address to a Joint session

since the successful conclusion of Operation Desert Storm.

The first speech went so well,

some 20 standing ovations, that is was decided

that a second speech could

to a nation in the midst of a recession.

We have read a transcript of tonight’s address,

and the President will refer to Operation Desert Storm

many, many times.

Uh, there is Vice President Quayle and Speaker Foley,

and there is the President greeting them.

I asked the Vice President earlier if he’d heard rumors

that he might be dropped from the ticket in ’92,

for General Colin Powell, and the Vice President said

that he had not.

And now, the Speaker will introduce.

Members of Congress, distinguished guests,

the President of the United States

[audience applauding]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Operation Desert Storm.

[audience applauding]

Three words that symbolize all that is great about America.

[audience applauding]

And all that is great about our young Americans.

[audience applauding]

You know, not so long ago, there were some who claimed

that our country had lost its way.

[audience laughing]

Well, my answer to them is Operation Desert Storm.

[audience applauding]

Now, Operation Desert Storm...

[audience laughing]

...has not solved all of America’s problems,

[audience laughing]

but, surely, the nation

that can mount an Operation Desert Storm...

[audience laughing]

that nation can solve any problem.

[audience applauding]

[audience laughing]

That is the real lesson of Operation Desert Storm.

[audience laughing]

That the American people will never back down from tyranny.

[audience applauding]

Now, there are those who say that Operation Desert Storm...

[audience laughing]

...is a triumph for George Bush.

[audience applauding]

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

But if Operation Desert Storm was a success,

it’s really due to the efforts of men like General Norman Schwarzkopf,

[audience applauding]

Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney,

[audience applauding]

Secretary of State Jim Baker,

[audience applauding]

My Vice President Dan Quayle...

[ticking sound]

[audience laughing]

...and most of all,

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Colin Powell.

[audience applauding]

Bravo!

Whoo-hoo!

Bravo!

Well, who knows, you know, maybe, not so long from now,

Colin will be standing right here,

the first black American to grace a major party ticket

and the first black president of the United States of America.

[audience laughing]

Powell! Powell! Powell!

Powell! Powell! Powell!

Powell! Powell! Powell!

Powell! Powell! Powell!

Pow--A

Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[music]

[Announcer:] It’s Saturday Night Live,

with Dana Carvey,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Dennis Miller,

Mike Meyers,

and Kevin Nealon,

with Chris Farley,

Tim Meadows,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney

and featuring A. Whitney Brown,

Al Franken,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade,

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guest, the Black Crowes.

And Starring, Michael J. Fox.

[audience applauding]

[Narrator:] You look good now, but you could look better.

You’ve tried all the hair replacement products

but nothing seems to work.

Well, now, there is a solution.

It’s Chia Head.

Scientist and gardeners at the Chia Institute in Chia, Wisconsin,

have finally found the answer to male baldness.

It’s quick and easy to use.

Just apply the scientifically formulated Chia mud to your scalp.

Then add the Chia seeds.

Sprinkle with water,

and get a good night sleep.

You’ll see results immediately,

and with your full head of Chia hair,

you’ll attack the day with new confidence.

Here’s what our clients are saying.

Let’s be frank, it’s an unfair world

and personal appearance does matter.

Going bald at 16 was tough on me, but now,

I feel like one of the guys again.

A lot of products make a lot of promises, but I can tell you,

Chia Head actually works.

[Narrator:] So if you have male pattern baldness, get the edge.

The Chia edge.

Do not expose Chia wigs to direct sunlight.

Excessive moisture may hasten decomposition.

Not to be used in salads.

[audience laughing]

[Knock on door]

Come in.

You wanted to see me, Mr. Shamo?

Are you, Jasper?

Uh, yes, sir that’s right.

And yes, please, come on in. Have a seat.

Thanks very much.

Now, you’re new, is that correct?

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir just did my first performance about two hours ago.

Yes, well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.

We’ve already received several complaints.

What about? My act?

Yes, I’m afraid so.

Now, you bill yourself as Jasper the singing clown.

Is that right?

No, stinging.

Jasper the stinging clown.

Oh, so you don’t sing. We thought you did.

No. No, not at all. No. Flattered though. Thanks.

[audience laughing]

Could you describe your act?

Oh, absolutely, sure.

First, I come out and I do this kind of funny walk, you know,

then I say, "Hey, boys and girls. Hi, boys and girls."

That’s good. It’s good.

And I-and then I go to my bag and I pull out...

a bunch of stinging metals

and then I run up to the boys and girls and I hit them,

on the arms and the legs, with the stinging metals.

And they like that?

Oh, I think they do.

[audience laughing]

Now, do you use something you call your stinger?

Yes. Yes.

Okay, what it is, it’s a yard stick and then on the end of it,

I put a, you know, a large sewing needle

and then I go up in the audience and I go,

"Here comes, Mr. Stinger."

Sets like by saying you know, "Here comes, Mr. Sting."

Then I go up in the audience and I poke people

with the needle.

Not in the face though.

[audience laughing]

It’s a great act.

Excuse me, sir, would you step outside.

- I’ll be with you in a minute. - Thanks.

[audience laughing]

Well, Jasper, I’m afraid we’re gonna have to let you go.

What?

But why?

Well...

we just don’t feel that a stinging clown fits in here

at the Friendly Bunny Circus.

Well...

well, I could learn to sing.

Yes, but would you be willing to stop stinging?

No.

All right, well, you can pick up your paycheck at the window.

Look, what about-- What about Freddy the Flatulator?

He’s gone too.

What about Spitty?

Well, Spitty has changed his act. He sings now.

Yeah, but he’s still spits on everybody when he sings.

[audience laughing]

I’m sorry, really, would you send in the next gentlemen when you leave?

Remember this face, mister.

Now, are you Exposesoo?

[audience laughing]

Yes, sir.

Could you describe your act for me?

[audience cheering]

[Narrator:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle,

because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home

his face might burn up.

[audience applauding]

[music]

[Announcer:] And now, Weekend Update with anchor person, Dennis Miller.

[audience cheering]

Good evening and what can I tell you?

You know, ladies and gentlemen, when I was driving

over to the show tonight, I witnessed an auto accident

in which an ancient Indian chief was killed, and...

...now the Indian spirit dwells inside of me,

and the worse thing about it is, you know,

I’m pretty sure he has a hemorrhoid.

[audience laughing]

Well, the film, New Jack City, opened in Los Angeles this week.

A riot ensued and police moved in to disperse the crowd.

Los Angeles police then decried, New Jack City as a violent,

exploitative film and you know folks,

if anybody knows what a violent, exploitative film looks like,

it’s got to be the LAPD.

[audience laughing]

I guess we all owe, Jaja and apology, huh?

[audience laughing]

Well...

[audience applauding]

well, while we were away the war ended.

What was Saddam Hussein thinking?

I wouldn’t let this guy organize a bridal shower,

much less a major military campaign.

You know the last time I saw a battle plan like that

I was playing Stratego with Julie Landers.

[audience laughing]

Hussein is like Wile E. Cayote in a red beret.

* Run like an Iraqi. *

A thoroughly defeated President Hussein this week announced

to his cabinet that all future cabinet meetings will be held

in the empty cabinet, right behind him.

[audience laughing]

CNN correspondent, Peter Arnett finally left Baghdad

for Jerusalem where he plans to marry, Kimberly Moore, an Israeli TV announcer.

Arnett is writing his own marriage vows which he will then have cleared by Iraqi sensors.

[audience laughing]

And The Road Company of A Chorus Line opened in Baghdad, Iraq this week.

Iraqi theater critics urge Baghdad citizens run,

do no walk to see this play.

Coalition forces kept Iraqi prisoners of war busy,

awaiting the release by playing marathon sessions of Simon says.

[audience laughing]

New York St. Patrick’s Day parade was held yesterday

and for the first time in the parade’s history,

homosexual contingent marched. So it is gay like thing.

Now...

Here...

Once again is A. Whitney Brown with the Big Picture, welcome.

Nice to be here, man.

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Well, my friends we won the war.

I say we, as do most Americans, even though,

I personally didn’t contribute anything to the war effort,

unless you count body English while watching bomb films on CNN.

As a matter of fact, no one in my immediate family served over there either.

You know come to think of it, none of my ancestors have

ever served in the military of any country as far back as we can remember.

I come from a long line of cowards

and I’m not proud of that,

but on the other hand there are a lot of Browns in the world today.

You know, if you don’t believe me,

just look up Brown in your local phonebooks sometime, and you’ll see what I mean.

Then just as a comparison, see if you can find any Custers.

[audience laughing]

Nevertheless, I share the pride most Americans have in our fighting forces right now.

It’s been a long road rebuilding from Vietnam.

We started slowly, Granada,

maybe it didn’t take a lot of military strategy to knock over

a fruit stand with two aircraft carriers but...

you have to crawl before you can walk.

And then Panama, and those people had knives...

[audience laughing]

Believe me they knew how to use them.

Finally, a real war, Iraq.

We won that and now, we’re getting ready to tackle

the toughest enemy of all, our own criminals.

It’s a natural progression, Granada, Panama, Iraq, Detroit.

[audience laughing]

The president announces a strategy last week,

mainly it’s this, he wants to extend the death penalty

to include treason and espionage.

You know, it’s nice to know that if I’m riding the subway at 3 am

next to a gang of kids with sharpened screw drivers,

they’ll think twice about spying on me.

[audience laughing]

I feel a lot safer already.

That’s the Big Picture and God bless you...

A. Whitney Brown. Thank you, Whitney.

Thank you, Buddy.

Whitney Brown, ladies and gentlemen.

[audience applauding]

Thank you, Whit.

Earlier this week, President Bush cracked

former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher

across the face with the back of his hand

and then gave her a medal when she didn’t cry.

[audience laughing]

And President Bush met this week with General Maxwell R. Thurman

and offered to lend him part of his chin.

[audience laughing]

The Busher, the Baker and the "can’t do zip" faker.

[audience laughing]

Secretary of State, James Baker, feeling very smog,

smiled a slight smile this week after crazy gluing

the Kuwaiti crown princess’s crank to his hand.

Later on, on his journey Baker got two more guys in Riyadh.

[audience laughing]

Also, Secretary of State Baker met with the Syrian President

Hafez al-Assad at a Wicks furniture outlet in downtown Damascus.

[audience laughing]

Defense Secretary Dick Cheney this week,

conferred with his top adviser, Sister Betril,

the flying nun who he keeps in the inside pocket of his suit jacket.

[audience laughing]

This week, the Food and Drug Administration recalled

a number of products, which is good because, you know,

they usually forget.

[audience laughing]

If looks could kill, let’s get Grieco a mirror.

[audience laughing]

You know...

[audience applauding]

The anti-Grieco lobby kicks in.

You know, I thought I saw it coming when they took that trip to the front together.

[audience laughing]

Well, it won’t be the first case of a guy falling in love with a secretary and...

General Powell announced that now that the war is over,

he plans to lose some weight and return to his old job

as the lead singer of the Fine Young Cannibals.

[audience applauding]

So long Jules, take care.

Guess what folks, that’s the news...

[audience applauding]

[Narrator:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

When the age of the Vikings came to a close,

they must have sensed it.

Probably, they gathered together one evening,

slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

[audience applauding]

[Voices:] I deserve good things.

I am entitled to my share of happiness.

I refuse to beat myself up.

I am an attractive person.

I am fun to be with.

[Narrator:] Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer.

A member of several twelve-step programs,

but not a licensed therapist.

I’m going to do a terrific show today

and I’m going to help people because I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me.

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley.

As you know, I’m a very rigid person

because I’m a perfectionist, which is my problem,

but that’s... okay.

So, I have decided to break form,

take a risk and start today’s show by reading a letter.

Dear Stuart, I worked in a very dysfunctional environment,

who doesn’t?

Your show Tuesday on the topic "I am a human being,

not a human doing" was a life saver.

Thank god, you’re on at noon so that I can use my lunch break

to feel good about me.

With that attitude of gratitude, Mellissa Crusciedo.

Well, Mellissa, I have some very bad news.

As of next Monday, we will no longer be on at 12 noon,

instead, we will be seen at 2:35 am.

[audience laughing]

Evidently, someone who shall go nameless believes

that a hair replacement infomercial can help more people

than I can and I’m very angry, but that’s okay.

It’s all right to be angry.

I use to be afraid of my anger, because I thought that

if I allowed myself to be angry that I would kill someone, literally.

That I would commit a homicide and so I would stuff my anger

and I stuff my face

and that’s why I weighed nearly 300 lbs.

But that’s before I learned a very simple tool,

the Daily Affirmation, which is why I feel so strongly

about the show and why it is a crime

for one person, Ross Wineman,

who is herself very dysfunctional

and who herself weighs nearly 300 lbs,

to move my show

for her own sick, twisted, agenda.

Okay, that was inappropriate.

[audience laughing]

And I should not have mentioned Ross’s name and Ross, I owe an amends

and I apologize for saying that you are overweight,

which you are...

[audience laughing]

But that’s okay.

You’re a beautiful person, somewhere.

[audience laughing]

And now, I’m feeling guilty for my anger, and...

I’m beginning to think maybe, Ross is right.

Maybe the show just is garbage and maybe they should cancel the show,

but that is just thinking, thinking...

and I refuse to beat myself up.

Okay, we still have a short time for a short affirmation

and so look in the mirror, come on don’t look at me,

only you can help you.

That’s it say, "Hello, me.

I am not a doormat.

I have a right to my anger, but I will not express it

in a self-destructive way."

For example, publicly accusing someone

who has control over my job,

even if she is sick and in her disease, like Ross Wineman.

[audience laughing]

Okay, I’m sorry. I did it again.

Okay, this was not my best show, but that’s okay,

because this is Stuart Smalley saying,

"I’m good enough.

I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

[Announcer:] This has been today’s Daily Affirmation

with Stuart Smalley.

[audience laughing]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

[Narrator:] To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music,

no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

[audience cheering]

Hey, if anybody ever asks you if you want to host this show,

say yes. This is great.

I’m so glad I came and I’m so glad I did it

and thank you very much and good night and thanks everybody.

Black Crowes and everything, great.

[audience applauding]