Original subtitles

Issue number one, high noon.

Saddam says, "No", Bush says "Go."

How long will it last? Pat Buchanan!

Well, George Bush is playing hardball here and I think

- we could possibly see... - Wrong! Eleanor Clift.

Well, if I were George Bush...

Wrong! Jack Germondo.

Well, Bush is weighing his political clout against...

Wrong!

Issue two, Gorbachev endorses Bush.

Politically-motivated, Gorby, friend or foe?

Morton Kondracke!

Well, Gorbachev is playing a very interesting...

Wrong! Pat Buchanan!

I think the Soviets are in very good position...

Wrong! On a scale of 14 to 32,

14 being absolutely metaphysical certitude and 32 being fairly likely,

what are the chances of Gorby breaking ranks?

Jack Germond!

Wait...

- 14 to 32? - Wrong! Mortone!

Uh, 21?

Wrong! The correct answer is 19.24.

You were close, Mortone.

Next issue!

At infinite universe, some pundits say no.

If not, what’s at the end? Jack Germond!

Boy, that’s not my area of...

Pat Buchanan!

- Uh, maybe another dimension... - Mortone!

Well, there’s no real way to determine...

Wrong! The universe is finite,

at the very edge there is a giant brick wall guarded by a mean dog.

[audience laughing]

Issue number 3: who was my favorite Beatle? Jack Germond!

I don’t know... uh, John?

Eleanor Clift!

- Maybe, Paul? - Mortony-tone!

- I say Paul! - Wrong!

They were all equally fab.

[audience laughing]

Issue number 4, this inkblot, what does it look like? Eleanorus!

A butterfly?

Wrong! More Tiny Toons on TV!

It looks like an airplane...

Wrong! Jack Germondo!

I don’t know, two scud missiles?

Wrong! It’s my mother, feeling my penis!

[audience laughing]

Next issue!

Which hand is the gold coin in?

Pat Buchanan!

- Uh... the left hand? - Wrong! Ellie-may?

- I don’t know, left? - Mondo Jacky-germ!

I’ll say, right!

Wrong! It’s not in either hand, it’s in my ear!

And look, it has chocolate inside.

That’s for you, Mortone!

- Thank you, John. - I still got the floor!

Issue number six, am I regular? Mortony-tenille!

Well, I don’t really know...

Wrong! At pay you Buchanan-bay!

You know, I’m not especially interested in...

Wrong! It’s all you think about!

Jacky-germ-germ-germ-germy-mon- mon-mon-mony-dough-dough...

...dough-doughba-dinga- dong-ding, blue moon.

[audience applauding]

- What was the question? - Am I regular?

- No. - Wrong! I am regular,

thanks to Metamucil!

Completely natural, approved by scientists!

Metamucil, when you need it, it’s there.

Available at TruValue and Walgreens everywhere. Next issue!

Issue seven, how do we start the show? Patty-cake!

"Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night?"

El Clifto!

"Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night?

More tons of fun!

Well, I think it’s "Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night."

Wrong!

The correct answer is, "Show-show-show, here we go!"

[audience applauding]

[music]

[Announcer:] It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Dennis Miller,

Mike Meyers,

and Kevin Nealon.

With Chris Farley,

Tim Meadows,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney,

and featuring David Spade,

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guest, Whitney Houston

Alec Baldwin!

Ladies and gentlemen, Alec Baldwin.

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you very much, that’s very kind of you.

This is the second time that I’ve been asked to host

Saturday Night Live and it’s quite an honor!

The last time I was here, I guess the feeling was that things went pretty well.

In fact, the show was nominated for an Emmy.

So, I suppose I must have done something right!

[Male voice:] Oh, no, maybe I shouldn’t have brought up the Emmy.

I don’t want to come off as sounding cocky.

[audience laughing]

Although, I’ve got to say, anybody would look good working with this cast.

I mean, they did a great show with Dennis Hopper.

Hmm...Maybe putting down Dennis Hopper wasn’t such a good idea, either.

It makes me sound even more cocky.

By the way, I hope that didn’t sound like a putdown.

I’m not saying that I’m not that great of an actor either

and the last show was probably a fluke.

I’m not sure that helped.

Maybe I’m just digging a hole I’ll never get out of.

[Female voice:] Uh-oh.

I wonder what’s wrong with Alec.

He was so confident last year, but now,

he seems racked with doubt.

[Male voice:] This is already not as good as last year.

I wonder if I can recover.

[Another male voice:] I wonder if this is my fault.

He was so good last year.

Maybe I’m not very good at my job.

Maybe the Union should hire

only the most qualified boom operators, not just relatives.

[audience laughing]

[Male voice:] I was in such a rush today...

I wonder, did I leave the iron on?

[audience laughing]

[Female voice:] I wonder if this was the wrong week to do the show.

Maybe, I should have waited ’til March 15th,

for Michael J. Fox, he seems so confident.

[Male voice:] Maybe it was a mistake to leave the show.

I mean, look at me,

six months later, I’m still hanging around.

Man, I got to get a life.

[Male voice:] I think I forgot to turn on my phone machine.

Of course, after this show,

maybe that’s for the best.

[Male voice:] I wonder if I’m really as handsome as Alec Baldwin.

[audience applauding]

I wonder if Dennis Hopper has a TV.

[Male voice:] I wonder if I’m facing the wrong way.

[Male voice:] I wonder if they can tell I’m having a moment of doubt,

and is tonight show really any good.

Anyway, we’ve got a great show tonight.

Whitney Houston is here!

[audience cheering]

And, on a more serious note, all of our thoughts are halfway

around the world right now, with our troops in the Persian Gulf.

But we’re here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

Thank you.

[audience applauding]

[music]

[Announcer:] From the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, California,

it’s the first annual Sinead

Sinead O’Connor.

[audience applauding]

Good evening,

I hate doing this but if it’s got to be done.

As you know, the record industry is concerned mainly

with material success,

and one of the ways that encourages material success

is with award shows which mostly honor those artist

who have much achieved, material success.

Now, tonight I hope my awards will shed some light on this tragedy

and here to present them with me is the artist

who has achieved the most material success,

Paul McCartney!

[audience applauding]

Whoa! All right.

[audience laughing]

Well, Paul, you must admit

that material concerns are poisoning the music industry.

It’s all just so competitive.

Oh, yes, Sinead, you know,

it’s gotten all jumbly- mumbly-do, you know.

Only, you know, when you think about it, girl,

we all want to be number one, I mean, you know,

like you’re in your bath, you know,

and you’re reading Billboard and you go, "Look at him,

his up... up there and I’m like down here...

and I like to be up there, wouldn’t I?"

Well, that’s not right, is it? You know...

It shouldn’t matter too.

Yeah, right.

Of course you can’t help it, can you?

We all like a new motorcar, wouldn’t we, Sinead?

You know, I use to fancy an Oldsmobile, you know,

and I’d go around the neighborhood and its like,

"Look at my shinny new motorcar.

Line up Dolly boots, take a number."

You know, in the old time, was it going,

"That’s a fine young lad, he sure makes some fancy quid."

You know, you just can’t help it.

Yeah, right, Paul.

Okay, the first award is for the Most Empty Song of the year.

The winning songs, what’s that?

The most meaningless lyrics and derivative pop tune.

Is that the right card, you know,

because I was ... over there.

Okay, the nominees are, Phil Collins for All Night Loving.

[audience laughing]

Wilson Philips for Hold On.

[audience applauding]

And Paul McCartney, for Up We Go Love.

And the winner is...

Phil Collins.

[audience applauding]

So many people to thank, I want to thank my agent,

Marty Birnbaum.

My personal manager, Jerry Lefkowitz.

We did it, Lefky and everybody at RCM and Atlantic

and the people, especially, in A&R and my boy, Marty,

you could go to sleep now, all right. Okay. Whoa!

[audience applauding]

Well, it’s good that Phil won, you know,

but you know maybe next year for me, you know, you’ll never know.

One year it’s like ... next year could all be chicky-ricky-do.

Right.

At this time they’re requiring us to provide a description

of the voting procedure.

So here to explain the rules as one of the most honest,

socially aware artist of our generation, U2’s lead singer,

Bono.

[audience applauding]

Great, here’s the rules, listen, I’m going to repeat them.

[audience laughing]

While you’re sitting there eating your lobster soup in cheese sauce

there is a man in El Salvador with bullets raining down

on his cheap tin-shack,

and there is a father in South Africa, he’s got 16 children

and he’s not even allowed to vote because he’s in prison,

and he was fighting for Nelson Mandela.

All votes are tabulated by the accountants at Price Water House

and kept in sealed envelopes until they’re read by the presenter.

I hope I’m not bugging you.

Am I bugging you?

I didn’t mean to bug you.

[audience applauding]

A job well done, job well done.

Oh, yeah.

You know, the rules, Sinead, are very important,

you know, you got to have your rules, otherwise,

you know, it’s all cherry-berry, you know,

you got the fellow with the rubber gun.

Ruba-dum-dum, you know, and the other guy going,

"I don’t need rules.

I’ll jolly well, pop-badi ... fling-a-ding-a-woo-day."

[audience laughing]

One of the saddest crimes of the record industry

is the mad rush for more product,

too often artist are pressured

to compromise their creative process and release a record

with no integrity.

This is no good, is it?

But you signed the contract, didn’t you, Sinead?

You know, you made a deal and now here’s Mr. Record man,

a knock-knocky-knocky- doogie-doogie-knocky-knock.

You know and he’s going, "Where is my album?"

And, you know, because you made a deal

and his all papa-rapa, he is saying, "That’s a good one.

Oh, I love that. Oh, I don’t like that."

It’s like that and like that.

Of course, you know, they can’t all be Cracker Jack, you know,

once in a while you’re going to make stingky-doo.

[audience laughing]

And now, here with her newest song is a courageous woman artist,

who continually fights for important... things,

Tracy Chapman.

[audience applauding]

* Old man lying by the side of a truck, *

* he was hit on the road and now he’s down on his luck. *

* You got to get home. You got a crack baby waiting. *

* Policeman kick him in the head and saying, *

* "Everybody, do the funky wa-wa. *

* Everybody, shake that backyard, yeah, *

* Just stick your head out. *

* Now, stick that thing out. *

* Now take your house down. *

* We’re gonna turn this mother out. *

* I’ll tell you, everybody... " *

That’s enough. That’s enough.

Well, apparently, one more artist has succumbed

to material concerns. I’m very disappointed Tracy.

[audience applauding]

Oh, really. Tracy.

Hello, Tracy. You know, really,

I thought it was rather flippy-dingle me self, you know.

I mean the first part was kind of ... got me all bluesy-wousy,

you know, but the second part got me toes to tap

on the shinga-shing-a-shung- a-shung-a-shung...

Paul, please.

Now, we come to the most important award of the evening.

The award for the person who best represents everything

that I despise about the music industry,

with all the hunger and suffering in the world

the winner of this award is gonna have a hard time

looking in the mirror,

and the nominees are...

Phil Collins

Wilson Philips.

[audience laughing]

The Nelsons.

[audience applauding]

And Frank Sinatra.

[audience applauding]

All right.

All right and the winner is...

Look at me, I’m all gingly-Joe here.

Frank Sinatra.

[audience applauding]

Why, this is quite an honor.

You know, maybe I’m from the old school,

but when the people take the trouble to give you an award,

you damn well better show up.

When they want to tell you that you did good,

that you won a best at something,

whether it was riding the fastest horse whatever,

you don’t throw that boycott crap in their face.

I’m talking to you, zippy.

[audience applauding]

You’re not in the side show anymore.

You’re out in the center ring. People want to look up to you.

You just don’t get it, do you?

And don’t you tell me, what I don’t get.

I played this room back in ’48, when you were just a gleam

in some dumb mix blood shot eye.

[audience laughing]

You just thank your lucky stars

you’re not making car bombs in Belfast somewhere,

and you can take that to the bank, Mr. Clean.

Now, you go ahead and run off, you’ll be back sweetheart.

You got the bug.

[audience applauding]

Well... Well, done.

Congratulations, Frank.

You know, I mean, you gave the show some much needed,

a publy-dobly-linga- ding-a-do-a-do.

Now, well, you just stay off the funny stuff, Ringo.

[audience applauding]

This one’s going over my bed, next to my pal, Oscar.

Good night, everybody.

[audience applauding]

[Narrator:] The following program is a paid advertisement.

[music]

Hi! My name is Lank Thompson.

Perhaps you recognize me.

I’ve done everything from soaps to Shakespeare.

I can get any part I want.

How do I do it?

Simple.

I’m a handsome actor.

[audience laughing]

I haven’t always been a handsome actor.

[audience laughing]

I used to be a plain actor.

Oh, don’t get me wrong.

I was talented, but I wasn’t handsome.

So I developed a technique to help myself

and hundreds of other plain actors become handsome actors.

Perhaps you’ve heard of Robert Wagner,

Patrick Duffy

and of course, David Hasselhoff.

They’re all graduates of my course,

"Lank Thompson, I’m A Handsome Actor."

And now, I’d like you to meet one of success stories.

[music]

Hi. I’m Alec Baldwin and I’m a handsome actor.

[audience applauding]

Alec, would you care to demonstrate

some of the techniques I’ve taught you?

I’d love to, Lank.

The first thing to remember is to begin every scene

with your back to the camera.

You can’t fool me, Jessica I know where you’ve been.

[audience laughing]

Always wear glasses, so you can snap them off for a handsome effect.

My God!

A meteor that size could destroy the Earth.

[audience laughing]

In any scene where you have to sign documents,

never look at what you’re signing.

Gentlemen, a hostile takeover is a dirty business.

Anybody who doesn’t have the stomach for it should get out now.

[audience laughing]

When you’re making a phone call, never dial,

just pick up and start talking.

Senator, meet me in an hour.

There’s someone I think you should meet.

[audience laughing]

Okay, let’s incorporate all these techniques,

into one scene.

You can’t fool me, Jessica.

I already know there’s a meteor headed for the Earth.

But while there’s still time, I think I’ll execute a hostile takeover.

Anybody who doesn’t have the stomach for it, should get out now.

Senator, send over your limo to pick up Jessica, please.

[audience applauding]

Congratulations, Alec! You performed that, handsomely.

[audience laughing]

You know, all these techniques can be learned from one cassette.

"Lank Thompson, I’m a Handsome Actor!"

Here’s how to order.

[Narrator:] To order Lank Thompson, I’m A Handsome Actor.

Call 1-800-555-LANK.

Remember, don’t dial, just pick up the phone.

[audience applauding]

Alright, we’re back!

We’re back, now it’s time for questions.

Well, I’ve taken your course on handsome acting, and I think it’s wonderful.

But how can you explain the success of French actor,

Gerard Depardieu?

I’d love to answer your question, but I’m afraid

we’ve run out of time.

Thanks for joining us, but hey!

Get handsome!

[audience applauding]

Recent world events have caused understandable concern

about international air travel,

but thanks to beefed up security

and record low fares, those willing to fly are finding

there has never been a better time and now we at Pan Am

are introducing our best offer yet.

For a limited time only, when you fly Pan Am to Brussels,

Rome or London, you get to keep the plane you flew on.

[audience laughing]

Whether it’s a DC10 or a wide body 747,

you’ll be getting a sophisticated piece of machinery

worth upwards of $7 million.

Top that, TWA.

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] And now, Weekend Update with anchor person, Dennis Miller.

[audience applauding]

[audience laughing]

Good evening and what can I tell you?

I don’t want to say Hussein knows he’s in trouble

but there are reports out of Baghdad that he put on clean underwear

before he left the house today.

[audience laughing]

Here’s a 1990 file photo of Iraqi leader, Saddam Hussein

with his eldest son, Uday 33.

Here’s one father-son relationship that’s gonna make

the great Santini look like the courtship of Eddie’s father.

Yasser Arafat met with King Hussein of Jordan this week

as they debated the pros and cons of Minoxidil versus wearing a shammy on your head.

[audience laughing]

You know, a bicycle in Baghdad is now selling for $1500,

I don’t know about you, but if I just spent the last lunar cycle lying face down

in camel dung, and a bike is going for 15,

I’m thinking it’s time for some progressive new leadership, right?

I mean ...

[audience applauding]

1500 for a bike, those are Wheel of Fortune prizes.

[audience laughing]

Former President Ronald Reagan this week ask that he be buried

on the grounds of the Ronald Reagan presidential library

near Simi Valley, California

but cooler heads amongst library officials prevailed

and they said they would wait until the former president had died

before they fulfill his wish.

[audience laughing]

Super star, the life and times of Andy Worhol got very negative reviews this week,

although critics did say the first 15 minutes were great.

[audience laughing]

They’ve already announced the sequel to the Silence of the Lambs,

based on the Hannibal Lecter character, the film will be shot in Detroit

later this year and called, the Silence of the Laimbeers.

[audience applauding]

Luke’s back.

Luke’s back, thank God.

Luke’s back.

[audience applauding]

Earlier this week at the Grammys,

Bob Dylan received a lifetime achievement award

since his acceptance speech time was limited,

Bob has decided to come on Weekend Update and further

elaborate on his feelings about receiving this prestigious award,

Bob Dylan, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome, Bob.

[audience applauding]

Hey.

[unintelligible slur]

I’ll translate for the Dylan impaired.

[audience laughing]

And he said good evening.

Yeah... [unintelligible slur]

Receiving the award was a great honor.

[unintelligible slur]

Can you believe they’re making a Star Trek VI?

[audience laughing]

[unintelligible slur]

Did you see that girl with Trump? He’s just using her.

[audience laughing]

[unintelligible slur]

You know, Zen man, I didn’t get that one.

[unintelligible slur]

I need some help interpreting this part.

Let’s get one of the Wilburry’s out here, Petty, get over here.

Tom Petty, ladies and gentlemen.

[audience applauding]

[unintelligible slur]

[unintelligible slur]

[audience applauding]

[unintelligible slur]

[unintelligible slur]

[unintelligible slur]

- [unintelligible slur] - [unintelligible slur]

[audience applauding]

Bob Dylan.

So long boys.

[audience applauding]

Dylan and Petty.

Kentucky Fried Chicken is changing its logo to take the emphasis of the word Fried

and bring health conscious consumers back into the stores.

They now hope to be known as

"Kentucky’s Soaked In Oil And Fat For An Hour And A Half Chicken."

[audience laughing]

Jimmy, the Greek Schneider, the odds maker,

fired by CBS after he made controversial remarks about black athletes,

5his week asked the courts for $20 million in damages.

Schneider, once a regular in CBS’s NFL Today,

accused the network of age discrimination, defamation and breach of contract.

I always find it ironic that when the American media

crucifies this man for being a bigot,

they constantly refer to him as Jimmy, the Greek.

[audience laughing]

Hey, I’m sure you probably heard but if you haven’t,

if you have been living in a cave,

the Long Beach California Civic Light Opera is presenting

Pia Zadora in Funny Girl.

It also stars Adrian Zmed.

Remember when Zmed used to host Dance Fever and he would dance.

I don’t think I’ve seen choreography that stiff

since the Lee-Harvey Oswald prison transfer.

[audience laughing]

And Joel Siegel’s recent review, Sleeping with the Enemy, reads as follows:

"By the end, I was not only sitting on the edge of my seat,

I was sitting on the edge of the seat of the guy next to me."

I’m beginning to understand why Joel has a good time at every movie he goes to.

[audience applauding]

[music]

Bless me father for I have sinned.

It has been one month since my last...

Uh, excuse me. I hate to interrupt.

Oh, I’m sorry. Have I done something wrong?

The church has asked that we conduct confessions differently now.

They’re called reconciliations.

The Vatican feels it’s a more personal experience

to pull back the screen.

So that we could look at each other face to face.

The option is yours.

Well, okay, if that’s what the Vatican wants.

Don’t be frightened, this is new for a lot of the parishioners.

Go ahead and reconcile your sins.

So, you’re the new priest?

Yes.

I’m father Rod.

[audience laughing]

Rod Forester.

Oh, I’m sorry.

It’s just that I, I didn’t realize that were so...

Young?

Some people are afraid that I don’t have enough experience

but believe me, I do.

Oh, I’m sure you do.

How long have you been a priest?

Six years.

- Do you like it? - Yes, but this time is for you.

Oh, okay.

Please, confess.

Okay.

Does my breathe smell bad? I had garlic chicken for lunch.

The breath of any confessant is sweet to the Lord.

No, your breath is fine.

Oh, good. Okay.

Okay, what are my sins?

I had a bunch when I came in, but now they seem so boring.

The Lord finds everything you say fascinating.

Oh-oh, good.

All right.

All right...

You seem uncomfortable, please relax.

We can turn the lights off if you wish or we can do it with the lights on.

We can do it out in the pews if you like.

Oh, no. Here would be just fine.

Oh, good.

Please continue.

Okay, so I lied to my mother.

She asks if she could come over for dinner and I said I was busy

but I wasn’t.

That doesn’t sound so bad.

Why don’t you just call her up this afternoon and say,

"Mom, I love you."

I love you, okay.

Okay, let me see, what else?

Oh, I went to the grocery store and the clerk missed an item,

and I didn’t draw it to her attention, so I guess,

that’s a sin of omission.

Was it a very expensive item?

Oh, no. It’s just some pamper and...

Well, every month I gain some water weight,

you see each month an adult woman...

I understand how a woman’s body works.

Oh.

[audience laughing]

I’m sure you do.

Okay, of course you would.

How silly of me.

Okay, let us end now and while you say your act of contrition,

please try to remember that the power of forgiveness is strong.

Let it enter you.

Oh, okay.

[Praying]

Oh, I forgot one.

All right.

I’ve had impure thoughts very recently.

[audience laughing]

That’s all right.

God forgives you.

Okay.

Oh, I thought of another one.

I ate an entire box of cookies this week, on Tuesday, Oreos,

I love them.

Well, that’s not really a sin.

But I’m on a very strict diet.

Well, it still isn’t a sin.

Oh, but it was still losing control and that’s not good.

I just love Oreos, do you like Oreos?

Well, I don’t mind confessing to you that I have a bit of a sweet tooth myself,

I love Oreos.

I tell you a secret.

I like to dunk them in milk.

Well, this is a little embarrassing,

but I still like to spread the cookie open

and eat the creamy center.

[audience applauding]

I just want to tell you that I’m having a really great time.

[audience applauding]

Reconciliation is great.

Can we do this again some time?

Reconciliation should be a weekly part of the catholic’s life.

I’m here every Tuesday and Thursday evening.

Oh, Tuesday sounds great.

I’ll start the prayer of absolution now.

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy,

which one would you think liked dolphins the most?

I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you?

You’d be wrong, though.

It’s Hambone.

[audience applauding]

Thank you very much. That’s our show.

Let’s hear it for Whitney Houston.

[audience cheering]