Original subtitles

I believe, I have covered those points comprehensively

so that concludes my remarks, other than to say,

that this ground war

when and if it does come, will come on our time table.

At this point I’d like to turn the podium over

to Central Command Spokesman, General Subliminal.

Sir.

(Laughter)

Thanks Mike, you’ve been, very helpful - kiss ass.

Now, I’d like to start off, by thanking the press corps,

for your patience here - pains in the ass.

And I’m gonna begin, by giving you an update

on, recent military action - big mistakes.

And afterwards I’ll, answer any questions that you might have -

no questions.

Now, I should point out, before any bombings, all Iraqi targets

are positively identified by US intelligence - CNN.

And, as well as a the Saudi intelligence - Ouija board.

And obviously, it’s classified how we go about choosing

specific targets - crap shooting.

I can tell you, in developments today Coalition forces

attack the El Rasheed

which is, Baghdad’s luxury hotel - one star.

And it’s a target of major, major military significance -

Peter Arnett.

Now Latest reports, have confirmed the destruction

of the hotel’s command, and control center - game room.

And a missile, tracking system - ice machine.

And in addition, we have severely crippled

the center support capability - room service.

Now regarding our reaction to Iraqi, uh---

Iraqi’s peace proposal - toilet.

I’m gonna, have to say we’re gonna et back to them - F - 16s.

Now, concerning the ground war our troops have been dug

in to the Kuwaiti border now for over three months - horny.

And I know, that they are ready for action - hookers.

Now we believe, that this ground war can be avoided

only by complete withdrawal from Kuwait

of all Iraqi forces - wimps.

And these troops, can only be removed

by Saddam Hussein - big wussy.

Now, I am going to take any questions,

that you might have right now.

General, General, General.

Yes, you have a question right here, no question,yes.

Uh, yes, I have no question.

(Laughter)

Alright, okay then.

I’m willing to take any questions that you might have.

No questions, yes.

No questions.

Oh, alright well if there are no more questions I’d like to,

move on to some

And so now on that note, Live from New York - Emmy-

Its Saturday Night!

(Music and cheers)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

(Music)

With Dana Carvey

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Dennis Miller

Mike Myers

And Kevin Nealon

With Chris Farley

Tm Meadows

Chris Rock

Julia Sweeney

And featuring Adam Sandler

Rob Schneider

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Delite

(Music)

And starring, Roseanne Barr

(Music)

Ladies and gentlemen, Roseanne Barr!

(Music)

(Cheers and applause)

Yeah!

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you.

(Cheers and applause)

Oh, it’s great to be here, on Saturday Night Live.

Its so great, because I don’t know

if you’ve heard about it or not, but, tonight’s show,

marks, a tremendous achievement for me.

Lately, I had a cable special, an album, a tour,

and appearances on dozens of talk shows, you know

counting public apologies and everything.

And---

(Laughter and applause)

counting them, and including my debut

on Saturday Night Livetonight,

I will become officially, and totally

overexposed!

Thank you!

(Cheers and applause)

I couldn’t have done it without all of you,

and Phil, and Oprah, and the National Enquirer,

and, there’s just, so many people to thank.

(Sighs)

You know, ladies and gentlemen I - I have had a pretty bumpy year

as you know but, well, I have learned a lot.

I’ll tell you what I’ve learned - you do?

See the very same people on the way down

as you did on the way up.

(Laughter)

And it just make me wonder. How come all them people

are like in the same place?

(Laughter)

I mean, I’ve been up and down twice,

and they haven’t moved a notch.

(Laughter)

Who is their agent?

(Laughter)

But, everybody here, has been really great to me.

They said we wan you to be comfortable,

we want you, to make yourself at home,

so I fired half the writers.

(Laughter)

And, I made my husband, Tom Arnold

the producer of the show.

(Laughter)

Sorry, Lorne.

(Soft laughter)

But, it is true, I am changing my name to Roseanne Arnold.

Uh, people think that’s strange, but, okay I always planned

to change my name, to Roseanne Arnold

you know, but then when I met Tom

that kind of clinched it for me.

(Laughter)

I think that now would be the time to do it.

By the ways - okay we got a great show for you tonight

and, I just want to, be sincere here for a minute

and say I realized

that, there are a few viewers out there who don’t like me,

but tonight, yeah.

But, tonight I’m going to perform my heart out

to make everyone love me

because... Why?

Because I’m an insecure, ego - driven megastar,

who cannot deal with rejection.

So let’s party!

(Cheers and applause)

Delite is here and, we’ll be right back.

(Cheers and applause)

It was raining pretty hard, when I got into Cincinnati.

It was a long flight, and I was in the taxi,

when I noticed, I lost my credit card.

It was pretty late, and, I didn’t know what to do.

That’s when the manager of the hotel suggested

I call the MetroCard 24-hour help line

because, I wouldn’t be talking to a recording,

I’d be in touch with a real person.

(Music)

Okay, so I’m sitting here at, like, 3:00 in the morning,

I haven’t had a break in two hours!

And the phone rings, and there’s some guy on the other end,

with some big hard-luck story, you know?

And I’m listening, he goes on about Cincinnati,

and the airport, and the rain, and the taxi cab

and he just won’t get to the point, you know?

So---

(Laughter)

So I said, "Well what do you want me to do about it?

Bust out crying?"

(Laughter)

Like, I’ve got nothing better to do than listen to him bitch!

(Laughter)

She got right to the point, and wanted to know

what she could do about it.

So I told her, I’d need another card, as soon as possible,

since I’d be taking clients out the next day.

Now, this is the part that gets me!

(Laughter)

Okay, he’s telling me how he needs a new card

when he gets up in the morning!

You know, like he called the Credit Card Fairy,

or something you know?

(Laughter)

Like I’ve got some magic wand,

and all I’ve got to do, is wave it around,

and fix everything for him, you know?

So, I’m thinking about, so I ask him,

"Hey, if I’ve got that kind of power, over time and space,

what the hell am I doing here talking to a loser like you,

at three in the morning!"

(Laughter and applause)

Of course, he doesn’t have an answer for that!

(Laughter)

I didn’t have the information she needed.

(Laughter)

So I decided I’d call back.

So, he hangs up!

(Laughing)

And I’m sitting there, and the phone rings,

and I pick it up, and say "Hello?"

You know? And then there’s a pause,

and then a dial tone.

So, almost immediately, the phone rings again,

and I pick it up and say, "Hell-o-o-o-o?

(Soft laughter)

And so there’s this really long pause, this time,

and then this fake, really phone, English accent:

"I lost my card at the airport."

(Soft laughter)

You know? And I say, "I know who you are!"

(Laughter)

And, then he gets really mad, and he says

I’m supposed to help him!

You know, like I’m his mom, or something you know?

So I say, "Why don’t you call home and have somebody

wire you the money

or call your company, and tell them the problem?

Or, better yet, why don’t you take a personal check out

of your checkbook, roll it up real tight, and then cram it!"

(Laughter)

She gave me several options.

(Laughter)

And, well, everything worked out okay.

(Laughter)

Oh, you know, I get a lot of calls from people

who want their...you know, they want

to raise their credit limit but, of course, you know,

the only people, calling up at 3 a.m.

are usually deadbeats,

and there’s nothing you can do for them, you know?

But once in a while you get that call from somebody

who really needs your help, and you tell them what to do,

and they hang up and they leave you alone, and---

that’s when you feel real good!

(Music)

(Cheers and applause)

(Man speaking) MetroCard.

Because real problems, have real people.

(Cheers and applause)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking) And now Weekend Update with anchorperson,

Dennis Miller.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, and good evening, and what can I tell you?

Saddam Hussein, went on Iraqi radio early today

and told Iraqi citizens to prepare for called,

"The mother of all surrenders".

(Laughter)

In rejecting yesterday’s proposal by Iraq

President Bush, said it was unacceptable

because, it included language, about linkage.

When ask to comment on the proposed linkage,

Link said, " Solid"

(Laughter)

Retaliating for what he called,

Saddam Hussein’s cruel hoax yesterday,

President Bush today telephoned Saddam and said,

"Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"

(Laughter)

We have three primary missile weapons in the Gulf operation.

First, is the tomahawk cruise missile,

second, is the Patriot anti - missile,missile

and third is a low flying ground to ground missile

the Coors Silver bullet can missile.

(Laughter)

And, the B - 52’s continued carpet bombing this week.

(Laughter)

Time for geography quiz, we’ve been looking at the Middle East

for months now, how many countries can you identify?

Where is Turkey?

There’s Turkey.

What about Egypt?

There’s Egypt.

Saudi Arabia, right there.

Texas.

(Laughter)

Florida.

And Alfred Hitchcock.

(Laughter and applause)

You know, Bush continue to step up the propaganda campaign,

against Saddam Hussein this week when the Coalition Air Force air

dropped 300,000 VHS cassettes, of Mutiny on the Bounty

on the Iraqi troops.

(Laughter)

We at Saturday Night Livehave given a lot of thought

to how we can contribute to the war effort

that’s’ why tonight we introduce a new character, Iraqi Pete.

The scapegoat who by embodying all the worst stereotypes

in the Arab people can become the focus of our war friends

and help kick this war in the Gulf thing into overdrive.

So please welcome, or should I say please jeer, Iraqi Pete.

(Crowd discontent reaction) Boo!

What, what?

Don’t you like me?

Just because I woke up this morning and spit on your flag.

Oh!

Does that offend you?

Well, that’s too bad.

Oh, boo all you like, Iraqi Pete can handle it.

Hey, look it at what I got a nice cabbage patch doll.

The dream friend of every boy and girl in America.

Oh, the head comes off so easily!

Its so weak and defenseless just like you America.

I was going I will be back, but for now I leave you this,

Go to hell! (Laughs crazy)

Bye bye!

Boo!

(Gnarls like a dog)

(Laughter)

Once again we feel it is important to point out

that Iraqi Pete doesn’t not represent

every or even most Iraqis who are nothing like Iraqi Pete.

He is a stereotype written by people who although patriotic

have practically no understanding of people,

or of other cultures.

(Laughter)

Iraq and Iran and Iman got together this week to practice

for their upcoming performance

at the Gianni Versace show in Milan.

(Laughter)

The Soviet Union announced this week

they are devaluing the ruble.

The new smaller denomination currency will be known

as Barney Rubles.

(Laughter)

Nancy Reagan visited the White House this week.

Ron and I just wanted Barbara to know were doing just fine.

First lady Barbara Bush on Wednesday

flew from Washington, D.C. to Indianapolis

on a commercial flight

to show that flying is in fact safe from terrorism.

Upon reaching Indianapolis though Mrs. Bush fainted

at the terminal when she was told

that she had been flying on USAir.

(Laughter)

The current USMagazine contains this actual letter

to the editors.

I can’t believe you said Bullwinkle is in

and Bart Simpson is out.

Bart has his own highly rated primetime TV program

and a profitable memorabilia market.

Bullwinkle hasn’t been heard of in years.

This letter is from Linda C. Gonzales

of Pleasanton, California.

Linda, grab the reigns.

(Laughter)

Do us a favor hon, break in to your saving’s account

and go out and buy a clue.

(Laughter and chhers)

As a new feature on Weekend Update

we present a highlight package.

Highlights from last week’s NBC’s Sunday best show.

Let’s look at this week’s Sunday Best Highlight.

We like to wish you all good night.

Thank you.

(Laughter)

You know Ted Turner is so in love with Jane Fonda

he’s begun working out to her video tapes

and had himself colorized this week.

(Laughter)

A recent study indicated that most people who quit smoking

gained 20 pounds.

Another study indicated most people have gained 20 pounds

and smoke partake in recent studies.

Big news for the fans of the show 30 Something this week,

the character of Gary

played by Peter Horton the whimsical bohemian,

the only if I could communicate lady killer

with his unruly golden hair and his introspective unrest.

His, oh, so sexy all I care about is meaningful literature

and damned the world demeanor is dead.

(Cheers and applause)

On Wednesday the Oscar nominations came out.

Nominated for best film were Godfather III, Goodfellas,

Awakenings, Ghost, and get this, Dances with Wolves.

Could you believe they put a film like Dances with Wolves

in with a film like Ghost?

(Laughter and applause)

And Willie Nelson was sued this week by a woman who claims

that on January 4th 1985 she and Nelson had sexual intercourse

for nine consecutive hours.

And that the red haired singer consummated the act

with a backward flip with her still attached.

(Laughter)

She’s suing Willie for 50 million dollars claiming

he never made good on his promise to marry her.

Intercourse for nine hours, without an orgasm?

He wasn’t wearing his headband on his head that day.

(Laughter)

You know I had sex for nine hours once

but then the 70’s ended.

Guess what folks, that’s the news and I’m out of here.

(Music and applause)

Hey, Sue, working late?

Oh yeah, I just got some stuff to finish up.

Okay.

Did everybody leave?

Uh, everyone except for Pat.

Pat always stays late.

Pat?

Yeah, you know Pat from accounts receivable?

No.

Is Pat a man or a woman?

(Soft laughter)

You know, I don’t know.

(Laughter)

What?

I don’t know, I got to go.

Bye.

(Cheers and applause)

Hello, who are you?

Oh, hi, I’m Sue.

Hello, I’m Pat. (Laughs silly)

Hi, Pat, nice to meet you.

Likewise.

(Laughter)

Pat, huh?

Uh, what’s Pat short for?

Pat’s short for Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

(Laughter)

That’s my little joke. (Laughs silly)

Oh, that’s real funny.

So, are you an accountant here?

Yes.

Well it’s sort of a a male dominated field don’t you think?

Why do you think I got involved in it in the first place?

(Whinning)

Oh, so uh, well did you always want to be an accountant?

Yes.

You know even when you were a little---

Kid?

Yeah.

Well, in high school I doubled in acting.

Oh, really? What roles did you play?

Peter Pan. (Laughs silly)

(Laughter)

I was wonderful.

Oh, I bet you were.

Well, I’m glad you’re here tonight, Pat, because I mean,

as a woman, you know,

I sometimes feel vulnerable late at night

and that’s why it’s good for us people, us humans, us mammals

to stick together.

Right?

Well, as a student of Tae Kwando do I feel perfectly safe

wherever I am.

Oh.

(Laughter)

Well, gee, that’s great.

Hey you wouldn’t happen to have the key

to the ladies restroom would you?

Why would I have the key to the ladies restroom?

I’m not a supervisor.

(Laughter)

Wow, it’s almost seven o’ clock you know my boyfriend

he’s gonna be mad because I’m so late.

Do you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend?

I have, you know, I only date people of the opposite sex.

(Laughter)

Well are you seeing someone now?

Yes.

Who?

Chris.

(Laughter)

Chris is gonna pick me up an minute.

She - he is?

I mean Chris is coming over now?

Uh - hmm.

Well, I would love to meet Chris.

Why?

I just would love to meet Chris.

Alright.

Oh there you are Pat, I’ve been looking for you everywhere.

Hi.

(Both laugh funny)

Whoops.

Hey, this is Sue.

Oh, you must be Chris.

Yes, so very nice to meet you.

(Laughter)

I love to meet the people Pat works with,

it’s so very interesting to me.

(Soft laughter)

So, uh, Chris you’re Pat’s friend?

I’m more than a friend.

(Laughs silly)

(Laughter)

Uh - huh.

You know, I almost didn’t make it, I had such bad cramps.

You do?

Oh, okay.

I really know what that’s like.

Yeah,I’ve been doing the stairmaster at the gym

my calves are killing me.

Oh, Chris, you don’t need to workout

I like you just the way you are.

(Both laugh silly)

You guys are giving me the creeps, get out of here.

(Laughter)

Jeez, all were trying to do is be friendly.

She’s kind of high strung.

Well, what she needs is a good roll in the hay.

And I know just the person to give it to her.

(Both laugh silly)

(Cheers and applause)

Hey, Zack.

Hey.

Is this your project for Miss Hanson?

Yeah.

Boy, it sure makes mine look pathetic.

Thanks.

I guess your dad helped you with it.

Nah, I did it all myself on my computer.

You did this dinosaur eating an army man on a computer?

Uh - hmm.

And this dive bomber crushing into a volcano?

Computer.

Hey, look what Zack did on his computer.

(Sipps loud)

This explosion, best I I’ve ever seen.

What else can your computer do?

Visiting the Pubic Library.

Wow.

It said Public. I changed it.

You did that on a computer?

Uh - hmm.

(Bell rings)

Got to go.

You know, my dad got me a computer,---

but I can’t do stuff like that.

Me neither.

Maybe I’m just stupid.

No, we’re not stupid, our dad just got us crummy computers.

We got crummy dads.

(Man speaking) McIntosh Jr.

The power to crush the other kids.

(Cheers and applause)

(Funny music)

It’s happy!

It’s fun!

It’s Happy Fun Ball!

(Phil Hartman speaking) Yes, it’s Happy Fun Ball!

The toy sensation that’s sweeping the nation!

Only $14.95 at participating stores!

Get one today!

Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly,

and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure

to Happy Fun Ball.

Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate

to dangerous speeds.

Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which,

if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled,

or looked at.

Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.

Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball,

if any of the following occurs:

Itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremities,

loss of balance or coordination,

slurred speech, temporary blindness,

profuse sweating, or heart palpitations.

If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately.

Seek shelter and cover head.

Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.

When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned

to its special container and kept under refrigeration.

Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball,

Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company,

Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.

Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing

substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.

Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia

and is being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarrantee.

Happy Fun Ball!

Accept no substitutes!

(Cheers and applause)

(Crowd discontent reaction) Boo!

Hello everyone. I told you I’d be back.

Oh, are you upset to see me?

Well, go ahead and boo me then.

I have said do I look like I give chickens.

Come on Boo me, boo me, boo, boo, boo, boo.

You know, what I’m beginning to like your booing,

it makes me want to dance.

* Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo! *

You see I dance to your boos.

Hey guess what I got here, oh your most treasured painting

American Gossip.

Its what you live by, I’m told.

(Screams) Oh, hoo hoo!

Right now Iraqui Pete on the farm!

Get on, my cousins piggies to play with!

And one more thing for you,

go to hell!

Boo!

(Man speaking) Cheers to Saturday Night Live for it’s new character

the no good, low don, obnoxious, Iraqi Pete.

In these times, it’s nice to have a scapegoat

to vent our frustrations on.

But give us a break, did you have to make him that hateful?

(Cheers and applause)

(Soft music)

(Phil Hartman speaking) And now Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

(Man speaking) If you ever fall off the Sears Tower,

just go real limp because maybe you’ll look like a dummy

and people will try to catch you.

Because hey, free dummy!

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Man speaking) NBC proudly presents

another white trash history minute.

Ma, I’m hungry.

Shut up. I’m watching my soap.

Ma, I’m gonna tell welfare I’m over 18

if you don’t give me something to eat.

Alright, there’s a beer in the fridge.

I’m sick of beer.

Look--- (Slaps his face)

there’s a can of tuna under my bed, okay?

Go next door and borrow some noodles and go down to the store

and charge a can of mushroom soup.

And don’t get Campbell.

Get Food Town.

(Laughter)

Its cheaper.

And put them in a frying pan and boil them up!

And save me some, you greedy little bastard.

(Music)

(Man speaking) The creation of tuna noodle casserole.

Another great moment in the history of white trash.

(Cheers and applause)

(Phil Hartman speaking) And now Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

(Man speaking) As I bit into the nectarine

it had a crisp juiciness about it

that was very pleasurable until I realized

it wasn’t a nectarine at all,

but a human head!

(Cheers and applause)

(Piano playing)

I had a lot of fun this week.

It was like the most fun I’ve ever had

since I got into show business and everything.

And I like to thank everybody for reminding me

that I’m in a fun business.

It was cool.

And uh, Michael O’ Donahue told me not to say

that these kids are young

and talented and all that crap

because everybody else does it,

but what the hell I got to say it.

They are.

Thank you very much.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)