All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S16E13.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

I believe, I have covered those
points comprehensively

so that concludes my remarks,
other than to say,

that this ground war

when and if it does come,
will come on our time table.

At this point I’d like to turn
the podium over

to Central Command Spokesman,
General Subliminal.

Sir.

(Laughter)

Thanks Mike, you’ve been,
very helpful - kiss ass.

Now, I’d like to start off,
by thanking the press corps,

for your patience here
- pains in the ass.

And I’m gonna begin,
by giving you an update

on, recent military action
- big mistakes.

And afterwards I’ll, answer any
questions that you might have -

no questions.

Now, I should point out, before
any bombings, all Iraqi targets

are positively identified
by US intelligence - CNN.

And, as well as a the Saudi
intelligence - Ouija board.

And obviously, it’s classified
how we go about choosing

specific targets
- crap shooting.

I can tell you, in developments
today Coalition forces

attack the El Rasheed

which is, Baghdad’s
luxury hotel - one star.

And it’s a target of major,
major military significance -

Peter Arnett.

Now Latest reports, have
confirmed the destruction

of the hotel’s command, and
control center - game room.

And a missile, tracking
system - ice machine.

And in addition,
we have severely crippled

the center support
capability - room service.

Now regarding our reaction to
Iraqi, uh---

Iraqi’s peace proposal
- toilet.

I’m gonna, have to say we’re
gonna et back to them - F - 16s.

Now, concerning the ground war
our troops have been dug

in to the Kuwaiti border now for
over three months - horny.

And I know, that they are
ready for action - hookers.

Now we believe, that this ground
war can be avoided

only by complete withdrawal
from Kuwait

of all Iraqi forces - wimps.

And these troops, can only be
removed

by Saddam Hussein - big wussy.

Now, I am going to take
any questions,

that you might
have right now.

General, General, General.

Yes, you have a question
right here, no question,yes.

Uh, yes, I have no question.

(Laughter)

Alright, okay then.

I’m willing to take any
questions that you might have.

No questions, yes.

No questions.

Oh, alright well if there are no
more questions I’d like to,

move on to some

And so now on that note,
Live from New York - Emmy-

Its Saturday Night!

(Music and cheers)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

(Music)

With Dana Carvey

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Dennis Miller

Mike Myers

And Kevin Nealon

With Chris Farley

Tm Meadows

Chris Rock

Julia Sweeney

And featuring Adam Sandler

Rob Schneider

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Delite

(Music)

And starring,
Roseanne Barr

(Music)

Ladies and gentlemen,
Roseanne Barr!

(Music)

(Cheers and applause)

Yeah!

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you.

(Cheers and applause)

Oh, it’s great to be here,
on Saturday Night Live.

Its so great, because I
don’t know

if you’ve heard about it
or not, but, tonight’s show,

marks, a tremendous
achievement for me.

Lately, I had a cable special,
an album, a tour,

and appearances on dozens
of talk shows, you know

counting public apologies
and everything.

And---

(Laughter and applause)

counting them,
and including my debut

on Saturday Night
Livetonight,

I will become officially,
and totally

overexposed!

Thank you!

(Cheers and applause)

I couldn’t have done it
without all of you,

and Phil, and Oprah,
and the National Enquirer,

and, there’s just,
so many people to thank.

(Sighs)

You know, ladies and gentlemen I
- I have had a pretty bumpy year

as you know but, well,
I have learned a lot.

I’ll tell you what
I’ve learned - you do?

See the very same people
on the way down

as you did on the way up.

(Laughter)

And it just make me wonder.
How come all them people

are like in the same place?

(Laughter)

I mean, I’ve been up and down
twice,

and they haven’t moved a notch.

(Laughter)

Who is their agent?

(Laughter)

But, everybody here,
has been really great to me.

They said we wan you
to be comfortable,

we want you,
to make yourself at home,

so I fired half the writers.

(Laughter)

And, I made my husband,
Tom Arnold

the producer of the show.

(Laughter)

Sorry, Lorne.

(Soft laughter)

But, it is true, I am changing
my name to Roseanne Arnold.

Uh, people think that’s strange,
but, okay I always planned

to change my name,
to Roseanne Arnold

you know, but
then when I met Tom

that kind of clinched
it for me.

(Laughter)

I think that now would
be the time to do it.

By the ways - okay we got a
great show for you tonight

and, I just want to,
be sincere here for a minute

and say I realized

that, there are a few viewers
out there who don’t like me,

but tonight, yeah.

But, tonight I’m going
to perform my heart out

to make everyone love me

because...
Why?

Because I’m an insecure,
ego - driven megastar,

who cannot
deal with rejection.

So let’s party!

(Cheers and applause)

Delite is here and,
we’ll be right back.

(Cheers and applause)

It was raining pretty hard,
when I got into Cincinnati.

It was a long flight,
and I was in the taxi,

when I noticed,
I lost my credit card.

It was pretty late, and,
I didn’t know what to do.

That’s when the manager of
the hotel suggested

I call the MetroCard
24-hour help line

because, I wouldn’t be
talking to a recording,

I’d be in touch
with a real person.

(Music)

Okay, so I’m sitting here at,
like, 3:00 in the morning,

I haven’t had a break
in two hours!

And the phone rings, and there’s
some guy on the other end,

with some big hard-luck
story, you know?

And I’m listening,
he goes on about Cincinnati,

and the airport, and the rain,
and the taxi cab

and he just won’t get to the
point, you know?

So---

(Laughter)

So I said, "Well what do
you want me to do about it?

Bust out crying?"

(Laughter)

Like, I’ve got nothing better
to do than listen to him bitch!

(Laughter)

She got right to the point,
and wanted to know

what she could do about it.

So I told her, I’d need another
card, as soon as possible,

since I’d be taking
clients out the next day.

Now, this is the
part that gets me!

(Laughter)

Okay, he’s telling me how he
needs a new card

when he gets up in the morning!

You know, like he called
the Credit Card Fairy,

or something you know?

(Laughter)

Like I’ve got some magic wand,

and all I’ve got to do,
is wave it around,

and fix everything
for him, you know?

So, I’m thinking about,
so I ask him,

"Hey, if I’ve got that kind of
power, over time and space,

what the hell am I doing here
talking to a loser like you,

at three in the morning!"

(Laughter and applause)

Of course, he doesn’t
have an answer for that!

(Laughter)

I didn’t have the
information she needed.

(Laughter)

So I decided I’d call back.

So, he hangs up!

(Laughing)

And I’m sitting there,
and the phone rings,

and I pick it up, and
say "Hello?"

You know?
And then there’s a pause,

and then a dial tone.

So, almost immediately,
the phone rings again,

and I pick it up and
say, "Hell-o-o-o-o?

(Soft laughter)

And so there’s this really
long pause, this time,

and then this fake,
really phone, English accent:

"I lost my card at the airport."

(Soft laughter)

You know? And I say,
"I know who you are!"

(Laughter)

And, then he gets really
mad, and he says

I’m supposed to help him!

You know, like I’m his mom,
or something you know?

So I say, "Why don’t you call
home and have somebody

wire you the money

or call your company,
and tell them the problem?

Or, better yet, why don’t you
take a personal check out

of your checkbook, roll it up
real tight, and then cram it!"

(Laughter)

She gave me several options.

(Laughter)

And, well, everything
worked out okay.

(Laughter)

Oh, you know, I get a lot of
calls from people

who want their...you know,
they want

to raise their credit limit
but, of course, you know,

the only people,
calling up at 3 a.m.

are usually deadbeats,

and there’s nothing
you can do for them, you know?

But once in a while you get
that call from somebody

who really needs your help,
and you tell them what to do,

and they hang up and
they leave you alone, and---

that’s when you feel real good!

(Music)

(Cheers and applause)

(Man speaking)
MetroCard.

Because real problems,
have real people.

(Cheers and applause)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking)
And now Weekend Update
with anchorperson,

Dennis Miller.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, and good evening,
and what can I tell you?

Saddam Hussein, went on Iraqi
radio early today

and told Iraqi citizens
to prepare for called,

"The mother of all surrenders".

(Laughter)

In rejecting yesterday’s
proposal by Iraq

President Bush,
said it was unacceptable

because, it included language,
about linkage.

When ask to comment on the
proposed linkage,

Link said, " Solid"

(Laughter)

Retaliating for what
he called,

Saddam Hussein’s
cruel hoax yesterday,

President Bush today
telephoned Saddam and said,

"Do you have Prince
Albert in a can?"

(Laughter)

We have three primary missile
weapons in the Gulf operation.

First, is the tomahawk
cruise missile,

second, is the
Patriot anti - missile,missile

and third is a low
flying ground to ground missile

the Coors Silver bullet
can missile.

(Laughter)

And, the B - 52’s continued
carpet bombing this week.

(Laughter)

Time for geography quiz, we’ve
been looking at the Middle East

for months now, how many
countries can you identify?

Where is Turkey?

There’s Turkey.

What about Egypt?

There’s Egypt.

Saudi Arabia, right there.

Texas.

(Laughter)

Florida.

And Alfred Hitchcock.

(Laughter and applause)

You know, Bush continue to step
up the propaganda campaign,

against Saddam Hussein this week
when the Coalition Air Force air

dropped 300,000 VHS cassettes,
of Mutiny on the Bounty

on the Iraqi troops.

(Laughter)

We at Saturday Night Livehave
given a lot of thought

to how we can contribute
to the war effort

that’s’ why tonight we introduce
a new character, Iraqi Pete.

The scapegoat who by embodying
all the worst stereotypes

in the Arab people can become
the focus of our war friends

and help kick this war in
the Gulf thing into overdrive.

So please welcome, or should
I say please jeer, Iraqi Pete.

(Crowd discontent reaction)
Boo!

What, what?

Don’t you like me?

Just because I woke up this
morning and spit on your flag.

Oh!

Does that offend you?

Well, that’s too bad.

Oh, boo all you like,
Iraqi Pete can handle it.

Hey, look it at what I got
a nice cabbage patch doll.

The dream friend of every
boy and girl in America.

Oh, the head comes off
so easily!

Its so weak and defenseless
just like you America.

I was going I will be back,
but for now I leave you this,

Go to hell!
(Laughs crazy)

Bye bye!

Boo!

(Gnarls like a dog)

(Laughter)

Once again we feel it is
important to point out

that Iraqi Pete
doesn’t not represent

every or even most Iraqis who
are nothing like Iraqi Pete.

He is a stereotype written by
people who although patriotic

have practically no
understanding of people,

or of other cultures.

(Laughter)

Iraq and Iran and Iman got
together this week to practice

for their upcoming performance

at the Gianni Versace show
in Milan.

(Laughter)

The Soviet Union
announced this week

they are devaluing the ruble.

The new smaller denomination
currency will be known

as Barney Rubles.

(Laughter)

Nancy Reagan visited the
White House this week.

Ron and I just wanted Barbara
to know were doing just fine.

First lady Barbara Bush
on Wednesday

flew from Washington, D.C.
to Indianapolis

on a commercial flight

to show that flying is in fact
safe from terrorism.

Upon reaching Indianapolis
though Mrs. Bush fainted

at the terminal when
she was told

that she had been flying
on USAir.

(Laughter)

The current USMagazine
contains this actual letter

to the editors.

I can’t believe you said
Bullwinkle is in

and Bart Simpson is out.

Bart has his own highly rated
primetime TV program

and a profitable
memorabilia market.

Bullwinkle hasn’t been
heard of in years.

This letter is from
Linda C. Gonzales

of Pleasanton, California.

Linda, grab the reigns.

(Laughter)

Do us a favor hon, break in to
your saving’s account

and go out and buy a clue.

(Laughter and chhers)

As a new feature on
Weekend Update

we present
a highlight package.

Highlights from last week’s
NBC’s Sunday best show.

Let’s look at this week’s
Sunday Best Highlight.

We like to wish
you all good night.

Thank you.

(Laughter)

You know Ted Turner is so in
love with Jane Fonda

he’s begun working out
to her video tapes

and had himself colorized
this week.

(Laughter)

A recent study indicated that
most people who quit smoking

gained 20 pounds.

Another study indicated most
people have gained 20 pounds

and smoke partake
in recent studies.

Big news for the fans of the
show 30 Something this week,

the character of Gary

played by Peter
Horton the whimsical bohemian,

the only if I could communicate
lady killer

with his unruly golden hair
and his introspective unrest.

His, oh, so sexy all I care
about is meaningful literature

and damned the world
demeanor is dead.

(Cheers and applause)

On Wednesday the Oscar
nominations came out.

Nominated for best film were
Godfather III, Goodfellas,

Awakenings, Ghost, and get
this, Dances with Wolves.

Could you believe they put a
film like Dances with Wolves

in with a film like Ghost?

(Laughter and applause)

And Willie Nelson was sued this
week by a woman who claims

that on January 4th 1985 she and
Nelson had sexual intercourse

for nine consecutive hours.

And that the red haired singer
consummated the act

with a backward flip with
her still attached.

(Laughter)

She’s suing Willie for 50
million dollars claiming

he never made good on his
promise to marry her.

Intercourse for nine
hours, without an orgasm?

He wasn’t wearing his
headband on his head that day.

(Laughter)

You know I had sex for nine
hours once

but then the 70’s ended.

Guess what folks, that’s the
news and I’m out of here.

(Music and applause)

Hey, Sue, working late?

Oh yeah, I just got
some stuff to finish up.

Okay.

Did everybody leave?

Uh, everyone except for Pat.

Pat always stays late.

Pat?

Yeah, you know Pat from
accounts receivable?

No.

Is Pat a man or a woman?

(Soft laughter)

You know, I don’t know.

(Laughter)

What?

I don’t know, I got to go.

Bye.

(Cheers and applause)

Hello, who are you?

Oh, hi, I’m Sue.

Hello, I’m Pat.
(Laughs silly)

Hi, Pat, nice to meet you.

Likewise.

(Laughter)

Pat, huh?

Uh, what’s Pat short for?

Pat’s short for
Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

(Laughter)

That’s my little joke.
(Laughs silly)

Oh, that’s real funny.

So, are you an accountant here?

Yes.

Well it’s sort of a a male
dominated field don’t you think?

Why do you think I got involved
in it in the first place?

(Whinning)

Oh, so uh, well did you always
want to be an accountant?

Yes.

You know even when
you were a little---

Kid?

Yeah.

Well, in high school
I doubled in acting.

Oh, really? What
roles did you play?

Peter Pan.
(Laughs silly)

(Laughter)

I was wonderful.

Oh, I bet you were.

Well, I’m glad you’re here
tonight, Pat, because I mean,

as a woman, you know,

I sometimes feel
vulnerable late at night

and that’s why it’s good for us
people, us humans, us mammals

to stick together.

Right?

Well, as a student of Tae
Kwando do I feel perfectly safe

wherever I am.

Oh.

(Laughter)

Well, gee, that’s great.

Hey you wouldn’t happen
to have the key

to the ladies restroom
would you?

Why would I have the key
to the ladies restroom?

I’m not a supervisor.

(Laughter)

Wow, it’s almost seven o’ clock
you know my boyfriend

he’s gonna be mad
because I’m so late.

Do you have a boyfriend
or a girlfriend?

I have, you know, I only date
people of the opposite sex.

(Laughter)

Well are you seeing
someone now?

Yes.

Who?

Chris.

(Laughter)

Chris is gonna pick
me up an minute.

She - he is?

I mean Chris is
coming over now?

Uh - hmm.

Well, I would love to
meet Chris.

Why?

I just would love to
meet Chris.

Alright.

Oh there you are Pat, I’ve been
looking for you everywhere.

Hi.

(Both laugh funny)

Whoops.

Hey, this is Sue.

Oh, you must be Chris.

Yes, so very nice to
meet you.

(Laughter)

I love to meet the
people Pat works with,

it’s so very
interesting to me.

(Soft laughter)

So, uh, Chris you’re
Pat’s friend?

I’m more than a friend.

(Laughs silly)

(Laughter)

Uh - huh.

You know, I almost didn’t make
it, I had such bad cramps.

You do?

Oh, okay.

I really know what that’s like.

Yeah,I’ve been doing the
stairmaster at the gym

my calves are killing me.

Oh, Chris, you don’t
need to workout

I like you just the
way you are.

(Both laugh silly)

You guys are giving me the
creeps, get out of here.

(Laughter)

Jeez, all were trying
to do is be friendly.

She’s kind of high strung.

Well, what she needs is
a good roll in the hay.

And I know just the
person to give it to her.

(Both laugh silly)

(Cheers and applause)

Hey, Zack.

Hey.

Is this your project
for Miss Hanson?

Yeah.

Boy, it sure makes
mine look pathetic.

Thanks.

I guess your dad
helped you with it.

Nah, I did it all
myself on my computer.

You did this dinosaur eating
an army man on a computer?

Uh - hmm.

And this dive bomber
crushing into a volcano?

Computer.

Hey, look what Zack
did on his computer.

(Sipps loud)

This explosion, best
I I’ve ever seen.

What else can your computer do?

Visiting the Pubic Library.

Wow.

It said Public. I changed it.

You did that on a computer?

Uh - hmm.

(Bell rings)

Got to go.

You know, my dad got me a
computer,---

but I can’t do stuff like that.

Me neither.

Maybe I’m just stupid.

No, we’re not stupid, our dad
just got us crummy computers.

We got crummy dads.

(Man speaking)
McIntosh Jr.

The power
to crush the other kids.

(Cheers and applause)

(Funny music)

It’s happy!

It’s fun!

It’s Happy Fun Ball!

(Phil Hartman speaking)
Yes, it’s Happy Fun Ball!

The toy sensation that’s
sweeping the nation!

Only $14.95 at
participating stores!

Get one today!

Warning: Pregnant
women, the elderly,

and children under 10 should
avoid prolonged exposure

to Happy Fun Ball.

Caution: Happy Fun Ball may
suddenly accelerate

to dangerous speeds.

Happy Fun Ball contains
a liquid core, which,

if exposed due to rupture,
should not be touched, inhaled,

or looked at.

Do not use Happy Fun
Ball on concrete.

Discontinue use of
Happy Fun Ball,

if any
of the following occurs:

Itching, vertigo, dizziness,
tingling in extremities,

loss of balance or
coordination,

slurred speech,
temporary blindness,

profuse sweating, or
heart palpitations.

If Happy Fun Ball begins to
smoke, get away immediately.

Seek shelter and cover head.

Happy Fun Ball may stick
to certain types of skin.

When not in use, Happy Fun
Ball should be returned

to its special container and
kept under refrigeration.

Failure to do so relieves
the makers of Happy Fun Ball,

Wacky Products Incorporated,
and its parent company,

Global Chemical Unlimited,
of any and all liability.

Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball
include an unknown glowing

substance which fell to Earth,
presumably from outer space.

Happy Fun Ball has been shipped
to our troops in Saudi Arabia

and is being dropped by
our warplanes on Iraq.

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Happy Fun Ball comes
with a lifetime guarrantee.

Happy Fun Ball!

Accept no substitutes!

(Cheers and applause)

(Crowd discontent reaction)
Boo!

Hello everyone. I
told you I’d be back.

Oh, are you upset to see me?

Well, go ahead and boo me then.

I have said do I look
like I give chickens.

Come on Boo me, boo
me, boo, boo, boo, boo.

You know, what I’m beginning
to like your booing,

it makes me want to dance.

* Boo, boo, boo,
boo, boo, boo! *

You see I dance to your boos.

Hey guess what I got here, oh
your most treasured painting

American Gossip.

Its what you live by, I’m told.

(Screams)
Oh, hoo hoo!

Right now Iraqui Pete
on the farm!

Get on, my cousins piggies to
play with!

And one more thing for you,

go to hell!

Boo!

(Man speaking)
Cheers to Saturday Night Live
for it’s new character

the no good, low don,
obnoxious, Iraqi Pete.

In these times, it’s nice to
have a scapegoat

to vent our frustrations on.

But give us a break, did you
have to make him that hateful?

(Cheers and applause)

(Soft music)

(Phil Hartman speaking)
And now Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

(Man speaking)
If you ever fall
off the Sears Tower,

just go real limp because
maybe you’ll look like a dummy

and people will try to
catch you.

Because hey, free dummy!

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Man speaking)
NBC proudly presents

another white trash
history minute.

Ma, I’m hungry.

Shut up. I’m watching
my soap.

Ma, I’m gonna tell
welfare I’m over 18

if you don’t give me
something to eat.

Alright, there’s a
beer in the fridge.

I’m sick of beer.

Look---
(Slaps his face)

there’s a can of
tuna under my bed, okay?

Go next door and borrow some
noodles and go down to the store

and charge a can
of mushroom soup.

And don’t get Campbell.

Get Food Town.

(Laughter)

Its cheaper.

And put them in a frying pan
and boil them up!

And save me some,
you greedy little bastard.

(Music)

(Man speaking)
The creation of tuna
noodle casserole.

Another great moment in
the history of white trash.

(Cheers and applause)

(Phil Hartman speaking)
And now Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

(Man speaking)
As I bit into the nectarine

it had a crisp
juiciness about it

that was very pleasurable until
I realized

it wasn’t a nectarine at all,

but a human head!

(Cheers and applause)

(Piano playing)

I had a lot of fun this week.

It was like
the most fun I’ve ever had

since I got into show
business and everything.

And I like to thank everybody
for reminding me

that I’m in a fun business.

It was cool.

And uh, Michael O’ Donahue told
me not to say

that these kids are young

and talented and all
that crap

because everybody
else does it,

but what the hell
I got to say it.

They are.

Thank you very much.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)