Original subtitles

And so, to sum up, while this war is by no means over,

it is certainly fair to say that we have inflicted heavy damage

on the Iraqi war machine, and every day brings victory

for the coalition that much closer.

And now I’m going to hand the floor over to the Lieutenant

Colonel Pierson, who will field your questions.

Thank you Senator Cheney.

I’m happy to take any questions you might have

with the understanding that there are certain sensitive areas

that I’m just not going to get into, particularly,

information that might be useful to the enemy.

Yes?

What date are we going to start the ground attack?

(Laughter)

Well, as I mentioned a moment ago,

there are certain sensitive areas,

which we are just not going to go into,

and that is certainly one of them.

(Journalists) Sir, sir, sir!

Yes?

Colonel, knowing what you know, where would you say our forces

are most vulnerable to attack, and how could the Iraqis

best exploit those weaknesses?

(Laughter)

Well, again, this falls into the area of information that

might be useful to the enemy,

and I just can’t divulge it right now.

Sir!

Which method of hiding SCUD missiles

is working best for the Iraqis?

(Laughter)

Now, this again is a good example of information

that could help the enemy, and I just can’t answer that.

Sir, sir!

I have a two-part question.

Are we planning an amphibious invasion of Kuwait, and if so,

where exactly will that be?

(Laughter)

Excuse me, Colonel.

(Laughter)

If I could interrupt here, I just want to underscore

what Colonel Pierson said at the start of Q&A.

There are two general categories of questions

that we are simply not going to be able to address.

One, those that would give our enemy advance warning

of our actions, and two, those that would identify any points

of weakness or vulnerabilities to the Iraqi forces.

So let’s reopen the floor to questions.

Sir, sir!

I understand that there are passwords that our troops

use on the front lines.

Could you give us some examples of those?

No, that is something I really cannot comment on.

Sir, sir!

Yeah!

Are we planning an amphibious invasion of Kuwait?

And if so, where?

(Laughter)

I believe that question was asked and if you recall,

I already answered it, or said I could not answer.

Sir, what would be the one piece of information that would be

most dangerous for the Iraqis to know?

(Laughter)

No can answer!

I have time for two more questions.

Yeah?

Yes, Farud Hashami, Baghdad Times.

Where are your troops, and can I go there and count them?

(Laughter)

Nope!

Last question.

Sir! Colonel! Sir!

Is there anything that you can tell us that would lower

the morale of our fighting men?

No.

Really, the only thing we’re at liberty to say at this time is,

"Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

(Music)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Dennis Miller.

Mike Myers.

And Kevin Nealon.

With Chris Farley

Tim Meadows

Chris Rock

Julia Sweeney

And featuring A. Whitney Brown

Al Franken.

Adam Sandler

Rob Schneider

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, INXS

And starring Kevin Bacon.

Ladies and gentlemen Kevin Bacon!

(Cheers and applause)

It really is great to be here - I got to say,

I’m a little nervous.

In fact, uh right now, I’m about as nervous as I’ve ever been.

My heart, it’s going a mile a minute, but, you know,

this is where my years of training comes in, because,

as an actor, I’ve learned to control the instrument

that is my body.

(Laughter)

Right now, my pulse right is at, uh it’s about 120.

See, that’s nervous.

So, uh right now, I’m just gonna bring it down.

There we go gradually okay, we’re at 118..

116.. yeah,

here we go.. 110.. 98---

Okay.. okay.. right now, I’m at 90, which is just about perfect.

So, you see what I mean, this is the kind of thing

that today’s actors are trained to do.

Not to take anything away from the great actors

of an earlier generation - your Marlon Brando’s

and Dustin Hoffman’s, but medical science

has really come a long way in the last few years.

Now yeah.

See, as I’ve been talking to you,

I’ve noticed that my mouth has gotten a little dry.

(Laughter)

So, what I’ve been doing is signaling my parroted

and sub maxillary area glands to, uh produce more saliva.

Yeah, there we go!

(Laughter)

Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

Perfect.

Not too wet, not too dry.

(Laughter)

So I think I’m in good shape now - pulse, 90; mouth, covered;

palms a little sweaty, but no big deal.

I’ve still got my autotomic nervous system shut down,

to cover my sebaceous glands.

There, there we go.

(Laughter)

Now I’m ready.

So, stick around--

Oh, no.. Oh, boy, this isn’t good.

You know, I’ve been so preoccupied with my other

glands, I’ plain forgot about my bladder.

(Laughter)

Well, what’s done is done, I guess.

Live and learn, right?

Anyway, we’ve got a great show tonight.

INXS is here,

(Cheers and applause)

so don’t go away, we’ll be right back.

(Cheers and applause)

(Man speaking) Normally at this time in the program,

we at Saturday Night Live broadcast a send-up or spoof

of a television commercial.

However, due to the current situation in the Gulf,

we feel it would be inappropriate

to air tonight’s segment.

Therefore, "EXECU-JOHN", the Briefcase you can poop in,

will not be seen tonight.

We hope you understand our position

and still enjoy the program.

(Cheers and applause)

Tom, Tommy!

(Laughter)

Hey, Richard just making some copies.

The Tom man making copies.

(Laughter)

The Tomster, Tom the rusky.

The Tommeister.

Yeah, see you.

Oh. Tom bo!

Randy.

(Laughter)

The Randster.

Randy Rhinopoplus.

Hi, Richard, just making some copies.

Randy!

Its my name don’t wear it out.

Smalama Ran man.

(Laughter)

Bye, bye.

Randy Ra oooh! (Howling)

(Laughter)

Randy Tola.

The Great Randino.

(Soft laughter)

Steve, the Stevestevester.

(Laughter)

Hey, Richard.

Being Bong Steve.

(Broken machine sound)

(Touches the digi pad)

Oh no, is this machine been acting up?

Steve!

Yeah, this is Steve down the hall,

could somebody come over and take a look at the copier?

Steveman calling for help.

(Laughter)

Helping the Xerox.

Xeroxola.

(Laughter)

Hi, Richard.

Sandy the Sandstress.

Great, you’re on your way?

Okay, okay thanks.

Has it stopped again?

Senorita Sandita!

(Laughter)

I called the guy, he’ll be right here.

Steve and Sandy can’t make their copy.

(Laughter)

Thanks for coming.

No problem.

Alright! Xerox repairman.

The guy who checks the toner.

The toner checker man.

(Laughter)

Hey I’m trying to work here alright?

Toner Checkerinsky.

Guy who took a swing at me.

(Laughter)

Oh, boy, not good, not good.

What is it?

Well you porter’s receptive belt’s busted.

What does that mean?

Admiral check Lee von toner!

(Laughter)

I cant fix it here I got to take it back to the shop.

You have to?

Tony tone tones.

I’ll have it back in three - four days tops.

Steve, this copying machine is Richard’s whole life.

They take it away it will kill him.

I know.

I have no one to talk to.

Stevster and the Sandita sharing a secret.

(Laughter)

Can you tell him, I - I don’t think I could.

Alright, I’ll do it.

Hey Rich, the Richter.

(Laughter)

Steve - O!

Rich, there’s no easy to tell you this,

they can’t service the copy machine here ,

they have to take it to the shop.

Alright, Steve a rolo, teasing the Richmeister, pulling my leg.

(Laughter)

No, it’s no joke.

Copy machine needs some major work.

The Stevenator, pushing the joke too far.

Not funny.

Rich, I wish it were a joke.

(Pushing mashine on rollers)

(Soft laughter)

See you, Richmeister.

(Soft laughter)

Disaster for the Richmeister.

(Laughter)

(Laughter)

Oh, there’s the coffee machine.

Tim.

(Laughter)

Tiimmeh, getting some coffee.

How are you doing Richard?

No cream for the Tim man.

Timaranovich.

Timmy Tim Timinator.

Tim!

(Cheers and applause)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking) And now, Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

(Loud cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Defense Secretary Dick Cheney, and Joint Chiefs of Staff

Chairman Colin Powell have just returned from their trip

to the Gulf.

And a few minutes ago, they held a press conference.

The word is that Powell is really pumped up

and ready to go.

Let’s watch.

I’m gonna leave that to General Powell.

(Gunfire sounds)

Yeah.

(Cheers and applause)

After weeks on incessant carpet bombing we finally got our first

look at Iraq, elite Republican Guard this week

and they appear to have been warned down

from the effects of the bombing.

(Laughter)

Although troop rotation plans are not yet official,

the Pentagon announced that General Norman Schwartzkoff

will be replaced this month by NBC weatherman Willard Scott.

(Laughter and applause)

You know, I don’t get it - why do we even consider

a ground war?

I mean, why don’t we just bomb them for the next few years?

I mean, the air war is like sanctions with a bad attitude!

(Laughter)

The Iraqis finally conceded this week that their air force

had a trouble getting off the ground, blaming it on the fact

that there just wasn’t enough breeze.

(Laughter)

Last Saturday, February 2nd, was Ground War Day.

Saddam Hussein came out of his underground bunker

and saw his shadow, meaning there will probably be

six more weeks of Iraqis getting stomped on.

(Laughter and applause)

Information on the war is being censored

for intelligence reasons but we can show you

the latest pool video we have.

(Laughter)

President Bush, last week, accepted a trophy

from the Reserved Officers Association, as he was named

Minuteman of the year.

A frustrated Mrs. Bush could not be reached for comment.

(Laughter)

Vice President Qualye this week visited Camp Pendleton

but the visit had to be cut short when his head

became stuck in a Hoover upright shop - vac.

(Laughter)

The IRA mortar attack on 10 Downing Street this week

underlined the difficulties facing British police

and security.

But uh, you know come on guys, I got to think when I take

a close look at any van with a sun roof

driving around London in early

February, I got to look at it twice, okay?

(Laughter)

New York City, Mayor Dinkins announced this week visited

the wailing wall in the old city of Jerusalem

and attempted to clean the grout.

(Laughter)

In yet another effort to clean up New York City,

Mayor Dinkins announced this week that he is urging

the City Council to pass legislation

that would require alternate side of the street urinating.

(Laughter)

The debate continues to rage over who is more lifelike,

Teddy Ruxpin, or former president Ronald Reagan.

(Laughter)

Mr. Reagan celebrated his 80th birthday this week

as he blew out all 80 candles on his birthday cake

and then to reaffirm his fitness using nothing more than a fondue fork,

Reagan stabbed to death a tiny alien creature that burst forth

from esophageal tract.

(Laughter)

Mr. Reagan now qualifies for Medicade and other

senior programs, unfortunately as per Reagan policies

all those programs have been cut.

Uh, the trickle down effect in action.

Once again, it is my pleasure to introduce

one of the greatest pontificators of our generation,

A. Whitney Brown, with the Big Picture.

(Cheers and applause)

Well, my friends, the country is at war.

And as William Tecumsah Sherman said, " War is Hell."

Actually, war is worse that Hell,

because they don’t have CNN in Hell.

You know, if Vietnam was the first television war,

then this has got to be the first Nintendo war.

It’s like a video game.

Who, in their wildest dreams would ever imagine

that Pong would lead to this?

But, to me, the real story of this war is George Bush.

He has risen to become a brilliant wartime

Commander-in-Chief.

It’s like he was made for it!

What an incredible stroke of luck for this country,

that, just when we happen to get in as war,

we also happen to have George Bush as President.

Twice!

And the most ironic thing is, that domestically,

he’s a shapeless political jellyfish.

You know, it’s almost too perfect to be true.

Now, I know he said he was gonna be the Education President -

he just didn’t say it was Saddam Hussein

he was gonna teach a lesson to.

(Laughter)

It’s a lot of money for one student.

But you have to admit, our bombs are incredibly smart.

In fact, our bombs are better educated than the average

high school graduate - at least it can find Kuwait.

(Laughter and applause))

I’m not trying to suggest that the reason we have 25 million

illiterates in our country is because bombs got

all the education money during the Reagan years.

But we do have top be careful, because if we make these bombs

any smarter, they may start having second thoughts

about war altogether.

You know, The Big Picture, friends.

It’s all right for a President to make promises

he doesn’t keep, before he’s elected.

But when he makes promises after he’s elected,

it’s a matter of national honor.

And we are an honorable nation.

So, as I watch Baghdad being destroyed,

it makes me proud to think that, in a few months,

Jimmy Carter will be over there rebuilding it.

(Laughter)

That, my friends, is The Big Picture.

Thank you, Whitney.

Thank you, buddy.

A. Whitney Brown!

(Cheers and applause)

Salute Sevenigh, 40 tons space station plunged to earth

at more than 17,000 miles an hour on Thursday over Argentina

but was intercepted by a patriot missile.

(Laughter)

An old tradition ended this week at Princeton University

when 35 women applied to become members of the Tager Inn,

the last of Princeton’s Eating Club to admit female members.

You know I think womanhood will make it’s greatest strides

when it begins to see that that there are just some stupid

male organizations out there

that you don’t want to be a part of.

(Laughter)

Sinead O’Connor, this week, said that she will neither attend

nor perform at the February 20th Grammy Awards.

When asked to explain her decision, O’Connor said,

"Well, I like to be the baldest performer at any function

that I attend, and I understand that the Grammy Committee

has invited David Lee Roth to be a presenter..

so I’m cancelling, although I will continue to allow them

to use my likeness on the Oscars."

(Laughter)

Well, the movie sequel to Never Ending Storypart II will soon

be released nationwide.

You know if the first one never ended,

why did they make a second one?

(Laughter)

I better wrap this deuce up.

I uh, took a mil diuretic this afternoon.

(Laughter)

You know I must have made 18 - 20 sorties

into the men’s room already.

(Laughter)

And of course we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention

this week’s appearance of the annual Sports Illustrated

hot air ballooning issue.

(Laughter)

Last fall’s custody case over the Davis family frozen embryo

created by invitro fertilization is back in the courts.

A Tennessee Judge has awarded custody of the fertilized eggs

to Mrs. Davis, but Mr. Davis continues to appeal.

And the litigation is now being referred to

as the Let go of my egg - ocase.

(Laughter)

After years of friction and denial,

the Road Runner and Coyote were finally married this week.

"There’s a fine line between love and hate",

said the Road Runner, " and those traps were just his way

of saying ’Hey, I love you.’"

(Laughter)

You know, if Gérard Depardieu is France’s biggest sex symbol,

well.. I’m beginning to understand

that Jerry Lewis thing just a little more.

Guess what, folks?

That’s the news, and I am outta here!

(Music and applause)

Hey. Hey.

Jeff.

Right, right, right. So your Bill?

Yeah.

We spoke on the phone. Right.

How you doing? OKay.

Good, good.

Come in and uh, check the place out.

Wow, this uh, this looks great.

Good, good , great.

Well uh, let’s just go over some of the stuff first.

There’s a six month sublet.

Uh - hmm.

And you have the option to renew after uh, a year.

Cool, that sounds goods.

Well uh, let me give you grand tour.

Here we have the couch.

It folds out into a bed.

Great, great that’s perfect.

Oh, listen I uh, sleep late is that alright?

Oh, no that’s cool so do I, so do I.

Great. This cool.

This is really cool.

Well, let me show you the rest of the place.

Here’s a table . This just folds out.

Uh - hmm.

Obviously the phone, and answering machine.

Yeah, yeah.

Got all perks.

All the perks, yeah.

Oh uh, I don’t know what your rules are

so maybe I should ask you now.

Its just something that I do.

And just tell me if it’s a problem okay?

Yeah.

Sometimes when you’re not here and you get a message

what I’ll do is I’ll open up the answering machine

Uh - hmm. and take out the tape.

And I roll it into a ball I just throw it out the window.

Uh - hmm.

I mean, just tell me if that’s a problem.

No, no, that’s fine.

That’s totally cool. Yeah?

Yeah. Great.

Okay, alright.

Well, let me show you the kitchen. Alright.

Over here we have the stove and dishwasher,

refrigerator obviously.

Oh, how do you want to do the food thing?

Do you want me to buy my own food, or you want to share it

or, you know, whatever I mean.

Yeah, yeah, good, good.

You know I had a lot of roommates and I’ve tried

some different things what I find works the best

is just kind of draw an imaginary line,

you know down whatever food or package or can

and then you just pick a side, either left or right

it really doesn’t matter.

And you just eat off of that side.

You know, if it’s box of rice crispies just kind of scoop out

the crispies from that.

I think that works best.

Yeah, no, no, that sounds great.

Okay, good, good.

Well, let’s see I can show you my bedroom, if you want to see.

Oh, that’s a nice room.

Thanks, thanks, thanks.

Good.

Um, oh hey there is one thing.

Uh - hmm.

If you’re out of the apartment again.

Yeah.

Its just something I do, you know

if it’s a problem, just tell me.

But, sometimes I go in to the bedroom and I pull the sheet

off your bed and I take my clothes off

and I wear the sheet like a big diaper.

Uh - huh.

(Laughter)

And uh - you know then I waddle around all day in the diaper

and I put it back on the bed just before you come home.

Its just something that I do.

But, if that’s a problem just - just let me know.

Not in this house, you don’t.

No, just kidding.

(Laughter)

Great, okay.

Its totally cool. Okay.

Its totally cool.

(Laughter)

Good.

Good, good.

Well this is the - oh you know something, that reminds me,

listen when you’re using the bath -

Uh - hmm.

If you could just uh, urinate in the sink.

Sure.

(Laughter)

I just - I have this thing about sharing a toilet.

Hey to each his own right?

Yeah, right. Come on it’s okay.

Nice television.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Yes. Uhm, it’s 19 inches got you know color, cable.

Yeah. Cool, cool.

I find it works best if - if I just watch the even channels

and you just watch the odd channels.

Uh - hmm sure that’s great.

You know sometimes I like to kick the picture tube in.

Oh that’s cool. Is that alright?

No that’s definitely cool.

Well you know what this is - this is great.

I really think uh - I think this is the place.

Oh, good going then it doesn’t seem to be a problem.

No not at all. Oh, oh, there is one, one more thing.

What’s that? I - I got a dog is that okay?

Oh, boy that’s trouble.

You know the building doesn’t allow pets.

Oh, sure, fine. It’s a dead dog.

Oh.

That’s great, that’s great.

(Cheering) Woo!

I feel good.

(Knocking on door)

Yeah?

Hey.

Hey Bill, I---.

Hey Steve.

How you doing?

Uh, this is a little bit - it’s a little awkward.

This is my old roommate.

Steve this is--- Oh, oh hi.

This is Jeff. Hi.

Hi, nice to meet you.

You know uh, Bill for some reason I accidentally packed

your baseball glove and after I chewed it.

Oh, good, yeah, thanks.

I was wondering where that was.

Okay well I uh, I better be going.

Was that it?

Oh, yeah, look, I’m really sorry that I cut off your testicles

and used them as clackers.

(Laughter)

Right.

Its just something that I you know -

I know.

I know, I know Steve. I just thought.

I know what you thought.

Well, sorry.

Have a nice life.

See you later.

(Closes door)

Yeah, yeah. Seems like a nice guy.

He just crossed that line.

Hey, I hear you.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Aten - hut!

At ease, everyone. Be seated, please.

My name is Col. John McMasters.

I’ve been asked to speak to you about a recurring problem.

Now, you people are in charge of loading bombs

into our warplanes attacking Iraq.

And you’re doing a fine job.

But some of you like to write messages on the bombs

to Saddam Hussein, as a joke or taunt.

And there’s nothing wrong with this.

But some of the top brass have been watching TV news reports

showing the bombs and the messages and quite frankly

a lot of the messages aren’t that good.

I think we all agree that we want our sarcastic bomb messages

to have the very best taunting quality they can,

so, lets home in as it were on just exactly what is

and what isn’t a good message to write on a bomb.

Yes?

How about- " Dear Saddam, brush your teeth with this!"

Well, that’s not bad.

The attitude is good, but I wonder could you really

brush your teeth with a bomb?

Uh, no its sort of a joke.

Yes, I understand but the best jokes

have some basis in reality don’t you think?

That’s what makes them resonate.

Yes?

Uh, how about uh, "Dear Saddam, here’s a Sab - bomb."

(Laughter)

I like it.

Sa -bomb?

You know like Saddam, Sa - bomb.

Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it, I got it.

Uh, well I - I don’t throw it out but uh, yeah.

How about now, "Dear Saddam, Greetings from Ritchie."

(Laughter)

I - I guess I don’t follow, is your name Ritchie?

Well, greetings from Ritchie.

Ritchie, Ritchie Valens?

La Bamba?

A bomb?

Huh huh?

You know, I still don’t see what’s wrong with

"Brush your teeth with this!"

Yeah.

How about, "Hey Saddam, why don’t you try sodomy?"

(Laughter)

Heard it.

Heard it.

I have heard that one.

I’m sorry, I didn’t know.

Yeah we uh, we want to keep them fresh.

Yeah.

"Dear Saddam, what smells like a skunk,

"looks like a skunk but isn’t a skunk.

"Give up, it’s you.

You’re the skunk."

(Laughter)

Well, it’s a little long.

Well I -I can write really, really small.

(Whispers) I liked it.

I have one, "Dear Saddam, have a blast."

Well it’s not bad, I mean it’s a little on the head you know?

Hey, here’s a funny one, " Hey Saddam,

this bomb looks like your penis!"

(Laughter)

But, it’s - it’s a little confusing isn’t it?

I mean, it implies a large uh, penis and uh,

a lot of man might think that having that---

would be desirable see?

Oh, come on. Who?

Hey, what about, " Dear Saddam, your land lock

P - quad can’t stop this whale either."

(Laughter)

Well don’t you get it, Moby Dick.

Hussein as Ahab?

His land lock P - quad is his bomb shelter, hello!

(Laughter)

Huh?

Do you read?

Did someone read a book?

I sort of liked it.

Uh, shut up.

Well what - what about a little - a little miniature bomb?

,I mean, you could brush your teeth with that couldn’t you?

I have a question, can we alter the bombs in any way?

Alter them?

Yeah, like what if you want to put a little dog head

on the top of your bomb?

Or yeah, or - or bristles like on a toothbrush.

No, a dog head, then you can write,

"Hey Saddam, I’m your little lost dog and I’ve come home."

So, pet me.

(Laughter)

What?

I - I’ve come home, so pet me.

No, it’s my bomb and it’s my message.

But, it doesn’t matter, because you can’t alter the bombs.

Hey how about, " Dear Saddam,

did you say you wanted more bombs, or more clams?"

(Laughter)

Nice.

Guess I’m having little trouble with that one.

Oh, no, no, it’s like he ordered - he ordered clams someplace

right, but instead, it’s bombs.

(Laughter)

Oh, forget it, forget it I give up.

Forget it, forget it.

How about, " Dear Saddam, I’m your little son,

"come back to visit you.

"You never thought you’d see me again didn’t you?

"Not with all the pains you gave me.

"But, now I’m back and I’ve got a little exploding to do

(Yelling) in your face!"

(Laughter)

That’s---

that’s a good one.

(Laughter)

Wow, maybe that’s enough for today.

Wait, wait.

What about just " peak - a - boo I see you."

Now, there you go.

Now that - now see that’s right on the money.

That’s good, that’s very good.

(Drums rolling)

Just as important as he pilots are to any mission

are the men who load the bombs on to the planes.

I’m here with Airman First Class Jake Henderson.

Now, Airman Henderson I noticed that you’ve written a message

on this bomb.

Could we see what that is, please?

Okay, it reads, "Dear Saddam, Peek - a - boo,

I’m your toothbrush."

(Laughter)

You know I - I don’t get it, I’m sorry.

Well you know my original message was better but I was---

I was talked into changing it.

Thanks Colonel.

This has been Heidi De Long reporting live

from Saudi Arabia.

(Cheers and applause)

(Stuart Smiley speaking) I deserve good things.

I am entitled to my share of happiness.

I refuse to beat myself up.

I am an attractive person.

I am fun to be with.

(Phil Hartman speaking) Daily Affirmation

with Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer.

A member of several 12 - step programs,

but not a licensed therapist.

I’m going to do a terrific show today

and I’m going to help people, because I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley.

First off, I have to admit that yesterday’s show

was not my best.

And it’s too bad, because it was a very important topic,

You’re only sick as your secrets.

And I blew it, but that’s okay.

I have to give myself permission to do a bad show

every now and then.

And I think I know what I did wrong I over prepared

because I’m a perfectionist,

which is my problem and that’s okay.

(Laughter)

So, this morning I had a flash, don’t prepare.

Don’t prepare.

Do today’s show in the now.

Talk about what’s going on in my mind in the moment.

It’s not going to be perfect but that’s okay.

(Laughter)

So, alright, okay.

Okay, so right now I am blanking.

(Laughter)

Total, but that - that’s okay

because that’s what’s going on right now.

Nothing.

Uh, except uh, for panic.

I’m beginning to panic, which is okay, because it’s my panic

and I own my panic.

(Laughter)

And I’m thinking, I don’t know what I’m doing,

they’re gonna cancel the show, I’m 20 pounds overweight.

I’m gonna die homeless and penniless

and no one will ever love me.

But, that’s just stinking thinking,

raising it’s ugly head and I refuse to beat myself up.

Okay, I’m beginning uh, to believe that not preparing

was a big mistake.

Um, but that’s okay, because I’m a human being and human beings

make mistakes and we have to learn from our mistakes,

so next time I will prepare.

Okay, we have enough time for a short affirmation

so---

(Flute playing)

look in your mirror.

Don’t look at me, only you can help you.

That’s it.

Say, "Hello me, I am a very special person.

I don’t have to be perfect.

I will cherish who I am in the moment, but I will prepare.

(Laughter)

For things that are important to me,

because, I am worth preparing for.

Or something like that.

I’m sorry, I don’t know.

Okay, this was not one of my best shows, but that’s okay.

Because this is Stuart Smalley saying, "I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"

This has been today’s daily affirmation with Stuart Smalley.

(Cheers and applause)

(Piano playing)

Thank you! Thanks to the cast and crew.

Thanks to the audience.

Thank you to INXS!

Happy birthday, Hilda!

Thanks a lot, I appreciate it!

Good night!

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)