All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S16E12.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

And so, to sum up, while
this war is by no means over,

it is certainly fair to say that
we have inflicted heavy damage

on the Iraqi war machine, and
every day brings victory

for the coalition that
much closer.

And now I’m going to hand the
floor over to the Lieutenant

Colonel Pierson, who will
field your questions.

Thank you Senator Cheney.

I’m happy to take any questions
you might have

with the understanding that
there are certain sensitive
areas

that I’m just not going to get
into, particularly,

information that might
be useful to the enemy.

Yes?

What date are we going to
start the ground attack?

(Laughter)

Well, as I mentioned
a moment ago,

there are certain
sensitive areas,

which we are just
not going to go into,

and that is certainly
one of them.

(Journalists)
Sir, sir, sir!

Yes?

Colonel, knowing what you know,
where would you say our forces

are most vulnerable to attack,
and how could the Iraqis

best exploit those weaknesses?

(Laughter)

Well, again, this falls into the
area of information that

might be useful to the enemy,

and I just can’t divulge it
right now.

Sir!

Which method of hiding
SCUD missiles

is working best for the Iraqis?

(Laughter)

Now, this again is a good
example of information

that could help the enemy, and
I just can’t answer that.

Sir, sir!

I have a two-part question.

Are we planning an amphibious
invasion of Kuwait, and if so,

where exactly will that be?

(Laughter)

Excuse me, Colonel.

(Laughter)

If I could interrupt here, I
just want to underscore

what Colonel Pierson said
at the start of Q&A.

There are two general categories
of questions

that we are simply not going
to be able to address.

One, those that would give our
enemy advance warning

of our actions, and two, those
that would identify any points

of weakness or vulnerabilities
to the Iraqi forces.

So let’s reopen the
floor to questions.

Sir, sir!

I understand that there are
passwords that our troops

use on the front lines.

Could you give us some
examples of those?

No, that is something I
really cannot comment on.

Sir, sir!

Yeah!

Are we planning an amphibious
invasion of Kuwait?

And if so, where?

(Laughter)

I believe that question was
asked and if you recall,

I already answered it, or
said I could not answer.

Sir, what would be the one piece
of information that would be

most dangerous for
the Iraqis to know?

(Laughter)

No can answer!

I have time for
two more questions.

Yeah?

Yes, Farud Hashami,
Baghdad Times.

Where are your troops, and
can I go there and count them?

(Laughter)

Nope!

Last question.

Sir! Colonel! Sir!

Is there anything that you can
tell us that would lower

the morale of our fighting men?

No.

Really, the only thing we’re at
liberty to say at this time is,

"Live, from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

(Music)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Dennis Miller.

Mike Myers.

And Kevin Nealon.

With
Chris Farley

Tim Meadows

Chris Rock

Julia Sweeney

And featuring A.
Whitney Brown

Al Franken.

Adam Sandler

Rob Schneider

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live Band.

Musical guest, INXS

And starring
Kevin Bacon.

Ladies and gentlemen
Kevin Bacon!

(Cheers and applause)

It really is great to
be here - I got to say,

I’m a little nervous.

In fact, uh right now, I’m about
as nervous as I’ve ever been.

My heart, it’s going a mile
a minute, but, you know,

this is where my years of
training comes in, because,

as an actor, I’ve learned to
control the instrument

that is my body.

(Laughter)

Right now, my pulse right
is at, uh it’s about 120.

See, that’s nervous.

So, uh right now, I’m
just gonna bring it down.

There we go gradually okay,
we’re at 118..

116.. yeah,

here we go.. 110.. 98---

Okay.. okay.. right now, I’m at
90, which is just about perfect.

So, you see what I mean, this is
the kind of thing

that today’s actors
are trained to do.

Not to take anything away from
the great actors

of an earlier generation - your
Marlon Brando’s

and Dustin Hoffman’s,
but medical science

has really come a long way
in the last few years.

Now yeah.

See, as I’ve been
talking to you,

I’ve noticed that my mouth
has gotten a little dry.

(Laughter)

So, what I’ve been doing is
signaling my parroted

and sub maxillary area glands
to, uh produce more saliva.

Yeah, there we go!

(Laughter)

Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

Perfect.

Not too wet, not too dry.

(Laughter)

So I think I’m in good shape
now - pulse, 90; mouth, covered;

palms a little sweaty,
but no big deal.

I’ve still got my autotomic
nervous system shut down,

to cover my sebaceous glands.

There, there we go.

(Laughter)

Now I’m ready.

So, stick around--

Oh, no..
Oh, boy, this isn’t good.

You know, I’ve been so
preoccupied with my other

glands, I’ plain forgot
about my bladder.

(Laughter)

Well, what’s done
is done, I guess.

Live and learn, right?

Anyway, we’ve got a
great show tonight.

INXS is here,

(Cheers and applause)

so don’t go away,
we’ll be right back.

(Cheers and applause)

(Man speaking)
Normally at this
time in the program,

we at Saturday Night Live
broadcast a send-up or spoof

of a television commercial.

However, due to the current
situation in the Gulf,

we feel it would be
inappropriate

to air tonight’s segment.

Therefore, "EXECU-JOHN", the
Briefcase you can poop in,

will not be seen tonight.

We hope you understand our
position

and still enjoy the program.

(Cheers and applause)

Tom, Tommy!

(Laughter)

Hey, Richard just
making some copies.

The Tom man making copies.

(Laughter)

The Tomster, Tom the rusky.

The Tommeister.

Yeah, see you.

Oh.
Tom bo!

Randy.

(Laughter)

The Randster.

Randy Rhinopoplus.

Hi, Richard, just
making some copies.

Randy!

Its my name don’t
wear it out.

Smalama Ran man.

(Laughter)

Bye, bye.

Randy Ra oooh!
(Howling)

(Laughter)

Randy Tola.

The Great Randino.

(Soft laughter)

Steve, the Stevestevester.

(Laughter)

Hey, Richard.

Being Bong Steve.

(Broken machine sound)

(Touches the digi pad)

Oh no, is this machine
been acting up?

Steve!

Yeah, this is Steve
down the hall,

could somebody come over and
take a look at the copier?

Steveman calling for help.

(Laughter)

Helping the Xerox.

Xeroxola.

(Laughter)

Hi, Richard.

Sandy the Sandstress.

Great, you’re on your way?

Okay, okay thanks.

Has it stopped again?

Senorita Sandita!

(Laughter)

I called the guy,
he’ll be right here.

Steve and Sandy can’t
make their copy.

(Laughter)

Thanks for coming.

No problem.

Alright! Xerox repairman.

The guy who checks the toner.

The toner checker man.

(Laughter)

Hey I’m trying to
work here alright?

Toner Checkerinsky.

Guy who took a swing at me.

(Laughter)

Oh, boy, not good, not good.

What is it?

Well you porter’s
receptive belt’s busted.

What does that mean?

Admiral check Lee von toner!

(Laughter)

I cant fix it here I got to
take it back to the shop.

You have to?

Tony tone tones.

I’ll have it back in
three - four days tops.

Steve, this copying machine
is Richard’s whole life.

They take it away
it will kill him.

I know.

I have no one to talk to.

Stevster and the Sandita
sharing a secret.

(Laughter)

Can you tell him, I - I
don’t think I could.

Alright, I’ll do it.

Hey Rich, the Richter.

(Laughter)

Steve - O!

Rich, there’s no easy
to tell you this,

they can’t service the
copy machine here ,

they have to take
it to the shop.

Alright, Steve a rolo, teasing
the Richmeister, pulling my leg.

(Laughter)

No, it’s no joke.

Copy machine needs
some major work.

The Stevenator, pushing
the joke too far.

Not funny.

Rich, I wish it were a joke.

(Pushing mashine on rollers)

(Soft laughter)

See you, Richmeister.

(Soft laughter)

Disaster for the Richmeister.

(Laughter)

(Laughter)

Oh, there’s the coffee machine.

Tim.

(Laughter)

Tiimmeh, getting some coffee.

How are you doing Richard?

No cream for the Tim man.

Timaranovich.

Timmy Tim Timinator.

Tim!

(Cheers and applause)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking)
And now, Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis
Miller.

(Loud cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Good evening, and
what can I tell you?

Defense Secretary Dick Cheney,
and Joint Chiefs of Staff

Chairman Colin Powell have just
returned from their trip

to the Gulf.

And a few minutes ago, they
held a press conference.

The word is that Powell is
really pumped up

and ready to go.

Let’s watch.

I’m gonna leave that
to General Powell.

(Gunfire sounds)

Yeah.

(Cheers and applause)

After weeks on incessant carpet
bombing we finally got our first

look at Iraq, elite
Republican Guard this week

and they appear to have
been warned down

from the effects of the bombing.

(Laughter)

Although troop rotation
plans are not yet official,

the Pentagon announced that
General Norman Schwartzkoff

will be replaced this month by
NBC weatherman Willard Scott.

(Laughter and applause)

You know, I don’t get it - why
do we even consider

a ground war?

I mean, why don’t we just bomb
them for the next few years?

I mean, the air war is like
sanctions with a bad attitude!

(Laughter)

The Iraqis finally conceded this
week that their air force

had a trouble getting off the
ground, blaming it on the fact

that there just wasn’t
enough breeze.

(Laughter)

Last Saturday, February
2nd, was Ground War Day.

Saddam Hussein came out of his
underground bunker

and saw his shadow, meaning
there will probably be

six more weeks of Iraqis
getting stomped on.

(Laughter and applause)

Information on the war is
being censored

for intelligence reasons
but we can show you

the latest pool
video we have.

(Laughter)

President Bush, last week,
accepted a trophy

from the Reserved Officers
Association, as he was named

Minuteman of the year.

A frustrated Mrs. Bush could
not be reached for comment.

(Laughter)

Vice President Qualye this week
visited Camp Pendleton

but the visit had to be cut
short when his head

became stuck in
a Hoover upright shop - vac.

(Laughter)

The IRA mortar attack on
10 Downing Street this week

underlined the difficulties
facing British police

and security.

But uh, you know come on guys,
I got to think when I take

a close look at any van
with a sun roof

driving around London in early

February, I got to
look at it twice, okay?

(Laughter)

New York City, Mayor Dinkins
announced this week visited

the wailing wall in the
old city of Jerusalem

and attempted
to clean the grout.

(Laughter)

In yet another effort to
clean up New York City,

Mayor Dinkins announced this
week that he is urging

the City Council
to pass legislation

that would require alternate
side of the street urinating.

(Laughter)

The debate continues to rage
over who is more lifelike,

Teddy Ruxpin, or former
president Ronald Reagan.

(Laughter)

Mr. Reagan celebrated his
80th birthday this week

as he blew out all 80 candles
on his birthday cake

and then to reaffirm his
fitness using nothing more
than a fondue fork,

Reagan stabbed to death a tiny
alien creature that burst forth

from esophageal tract.

(Laughter)

Mr. Reagan now qualifies for
Medicade and other

senior programs, unfortunately
as per Reagan policies

all those programs
have been cut.

Uh, the trickle down
effect in action.

Once again, it is my
pleasure to introduce

one of the greatest
pontificators of our generation,

A. Whitney Brown,
with the Big Picture.

(Cheers and applause)

Well, my friends, the
country is at war.

And as William Tecumsah
Sherman said, " War is Hell."

Actually, war is
worse that Hell,

because they don’t
have CNN in Hell.

You know, if Vietnam was
the first television war,

then this has got to be
the first Nintendo war.

It’s like a video game.

Who, in their wildest dreams
would ever imagine

that Pong would lead to this?

But, to me, the real story
of this war is George Bush.

He has risen to become
a brilliant wartime

Commander-in-Chief.

It’s like he was made for it!

What an incredible stroke of
luck for this country,

that, just when we happen
to get in as war,

we also happen to have
George Bush as President.

Twice!

And the most ironic thing
is, that domestically,

he’s a shapeless
political jellyfish.

You know, it’s almost
too perfect to be true.

Now, I know he said he was gonna
be the Education President -

he just didn’t say it was
Saddam Hussein

he was gonna teach a
lesson to.

(Laughter)

It’s a lot of money
for one student.

But you have to admit, our
bombs are incredibly smart.

In fact, our bombs are better
educated than the average

high school graduate - at
least it can find Kuwait.

(Laughter and applause))

I’m not trying to suggest that
the reason we have 25 million

illiterates in our country
is because bombs got

all the education money during
the Reagan years.

But we do have top be careful,
because if we make these bombs

any smarter, they may start
having second thoughts

about war altogether.

You know, The Big
Picture, friends.

It’s all right for a President
to make promises

he doesn’t keep,
before he’s elected.

But when he makes promises
after he’s elected,

it’s a matter of national honor.

And we are an honorable nation.

So, as I watch Baghdad
being destroyed,

it makes me proud to think
that, in a few months,

Jimmy Carter will be
over there rebuilding it.

(Laughter)

That, my friends,
is The Big Picture.

Thank you, Whitney.

Thank you, buddy.

A. Whitney Brown!

(Cheers and applause)

Salute Sevenigh, 40 tons space
station plunged to earth

at more than 17,000 miles an
hour on Thursday over Argentina

but was intercepted by a
patriot missile.

(Laughter)

An old tradition ended this week
at Princeton University

when 35 women applied to become
members of the Tager Inn,

the last of Princeton’s Eating
Club to admit female members.

You know I think womanhood will
make it’s greatest strides

when it begins to see that that
there are just some stupid

male organizations
out there

that you don’t want to
be a part of.

(Laughter)

Sinead O’Connor, this week, said
that she will neither attend

nor perform at the February
20th Grammy Awards.

When asked to explain her
decision, O’Connor said,

"Well, I like to be the baldest
performer at any function

that I attend, and I understand
that the Grammy Committee

has invited David Lee Roth to
be a presenter..

so I’m cancelling, although I
will continue to allow them

to use my likeness on the
Oscars."

(Laughter)

Well, the movie sequel to Never
Ending Storypart II will soon

be released nationwide.

You know if the first
one never ended,

why did they make a second one?

(Laughter)

I better wrap this deuce up.

I uh, took a mil
diuretic this afternoon.

(Laughter)

You know I must have made 18 -
20 sorties

into the men’s room already.

(Laughter)

And of course we’d be remiss if
we didn’t mention

this week’s appearance of
the annual Sports Illustrated

hot air ballooning issue.

(Laughter)

Last fall’s custody case over
the Davis family frozen embryo

created by invitro fertilization
is back in the courts.

A Tennessee Judge has awarded
custody of the fertilized eggs

to Mrs. Davis, but Mr.
Davis continues to appeal.

And the litigation is now being
referred to

as the Let go of
my egg - ocase.

(Laughter)

After years of
friction and denial,

the Road Runner and Coyote
were finally married this week.

"There’s a fine line
between love and hate",

said the Road Runner, " and
those traps were just his way

of saying ’Hey, I love you.’"

(Laughter)

You know, if Gérard Depardieu
is France’s biggest sex symbol,

well.. I’m beginning to
understand

that Jerry Lewis thing
just a little more.

Guess what, folks?

That’s the news,
and I am outta here!

(Music and applause)

Hey.
Hey.

Jeff.

Right, right, right.
So your Bill?

Yeah.

We spoke on the
phone.
Right.

How you doing?
OKay.

Good, good.

Come in and uh,
check the place out.

Wow, this uh, this
looks great.

Good, good , great.

Well uh, let’s just go over
some of the stuff first.

There’s a six month sublet.

Uh - hmm.

And you have the option
to renew after uh, a year.

Cool, that sounds goods.

Well uh, let me
give you grand tour.

Here we have the couch.

It folds out into a bed.

Great, great that’s perfect.

Oh, listen I uh, sleep
late is that alright?

Oh, no that’s cool
so do I, so do I.

Great.
This cool.

This is really cool.

Well, let me show you
the rest of the place.

Here’s a table .
This just folds out.

Uh - hmm.

Obviously the phone,
and answering machine.

Yeah, yeah.

Got all perks.

All the perks, yeah.

Oh uh, I don’t know what
your rules are

so maybe I should ask you now.

Its just something that I do.

And just tell me if
it’s a problem okay?

Yeah.

Sometimes when you’re not here
and you get a message

what I’ll do is I’ll open up the
answering machine

Uh - hmm.
and take out
the tape.

And I roll it into a ball I
just throw it out the window.

Uh - hmm.

I mean, just tell me
if that’s a problem.

No, no, that’s fine.

That’s totally cool.
Yeah?

Yeah.
Great.

Okay, alright.

Well, let me show
you the kitchen.
Alright.

Over here we have the
stove and dishwasher,

refrigerator obviously.

Oh, how do you want
to do the food thing?

Do you want me to buy my own
food, or you want to share it

or, you know, whatever I mean.

Yeah, yeah, good, good.

You know I had a lot of
roommates and I’ve tried

some different things what
I find works the best

is just kind of draw
an imaginary line,

you know down whatever
food or package or can

and then you just pick a
side, either left or right

it really doesn’t matter.

And you just eat
off of that side.

You know, if it’s box of rice
crispies just kind of scoop out

the crispies from that.

I think that works best.

Yeah, no, no, that
sounds great.

Okay, good, good.

Well, let’s see I can show you
my bedroom, if you want to see.

Oh, that’s a nice room.

Thanks, thanks, thanks.

Good.

Um, oh hey there is one thing.

Uh - hmm.

If you’re out of
the apartment again.

Yeah.

Its just something
I do, you know

if it’s a problem,
just tell me.

But, sometimes I go in to the
bedroom and I pull the sheet

off your bed and I take
my clothes off

and I wear the sheet
like a big diaper.

Uh - huh.

(Laughter)

And uh - you know then I waddle
around all day in the diaper

and I put it back on the bed
just before you come home.

Its just something that I do.

But, if that’s a problem
just - just let me know.

Not in this house,
you don’t.

No, just kidding.

(Laughter)

Great, okay.

Its totally cool.
Okay.

Its totally cool.

(Laughter)

Good.

Good, good.

Well this is the - oh you know
something, that reminds me,

listen when you’re
using the bath -

Uh - hmm.

If you could just uh,
urinate in the sink.

Sure.

(Laughter)

I just - I have this thing
about sharing a toilet.

Hey to each his own right?

Yeah, right.
Come on it’s okay.

Nice television.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Yes. Uhm, it’s 19 inches got
you know color, cable.

Yeah.
Cool, cool.

I find it works best if - if I
just watch the even channels

and you just watch
the odd channels.

Uh - hmm sure that’s great.

You know sometimes I like
to kick the picture tube in.

Oh that’s cool.
Is that alright?

No that’s definitely cool.

Well you know what this
is - this is great.

I really think uh - I
think this is the place.

Oh, good going then it
doesn’t seem to be a problem.

No not at all. Oh, oh, there is
one, one more thing.

What’s that?
I - I got a dog
is that okay?

Oh, boy that’s trouble.

You know the building
doesn’t allow pets.

Oh, sure, fine.
It’s a dead dog.

Oh.

That’s great, that’s great.

(Cheering)
Woo!

I feel good.

(Knocking on door)

Yeah?

Hey.

Hey Bill, I---.

Hey Steve.

How you doing?

Uh, this is a little bit
- it’s a little awkward.

This is my old roommate.

Steve this is---
Oh, oh hi.

This is Jeff.
Hi.

Hi, nice to meet you.

You know uh, Bill for some
reason I accidentally packed

your baseball glove
and after I chewed it.

Oh, good, yeah, thanks.

I was wondering
where that was.

Okay well I uh, I
better be going.

Was that it?

Oh, yeah, look, I’m really sorry
that I cut off your testicles

and used them as clackers.

(Laughter)

Right.

Its just something
that I you know -

I know.

I know, I know
Steve.
I just thought.

I know what you
thought.

Well, sorry.

Have a nice life.

See you later.

(Closes door)

Yeah, yeah.
Seems like a
nice guy.

He just crossed that line.

Hey, I hear you.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Aten - hut!

At ease, everyone.
Be seated, please.

My name is Col. John McMasters.

I’ve been asked to speak to
you about a recurring problem.

Now, you people are in
charge of loading bombs

into our warplanes
attacking Iraq.

And you’re doing a fine job.

But some of you like to
write messages on the bombs

to Saddam Hussein, as a
joke or taunt.

And there’s nothing
wrong with this.

But some of the top brass have
been watching TV news reports

showing the bombs and the
messages and quite frankly

a lot of the messages
aren’t that good.

I think we all agree that we
want our sarcastic bomb messages

to have the very best
taunting quality they can,

so, lets home in as it were
on just exactly what is

and what isn’t a good
message to write on a bomb.

Yes?

How about- " Dear Saddam,
brush your teeth with this!"

Well, that’s not bad.

The attitude is good, but I
wonder could you really

brush your teeth with a bomb?

Uh, no its sort of a joke.

Yes, I understand but
the best jokes

have some basis in
reality don’t you think?

That’s what
makes them resonate.

Yes?

Uh, how about uh, "Dear
Saddam, here’s a Sab - bomb."

(Laughter)

I like it.

Sa -bomb?

You know like Saddam, Sa - bomb.

Yeah, yeah, I got it,
I got it, I got it.

Uh, well I - I don’t
throw it out but uh, yeah.

How about now, "Dear Saddam,
Greetings from Ritchie."

(Laughter)

I - I guess I don’t follow,
is your name Ritchie?

Well, greetings from Ritchie.

Ritchie, Ritchie Valens?

La Bamba?

A bomb?

Huh huh?

You know, I still don’t see
what’s wrong with

"Brush your teeth with this!"

Yeah.

How about, "Hey Saddam,
why don’t you try sodomy?"

(Laughter)

Heard it.

Heard it.

I have heard that one.

I’m sorry, I didn’t know.

Yeah we uh, we want
to keep them fresh.

Yeah.

"Dear Saddam, what
smells like a skunk,

"looks like a skunk
but isn’t a skunk.

"Give up, it’s you.

You’re the skunk."

(Laughter)

Well, it’s a little long.

Well I -I can write
really, really small.

(Whispers)
I liked it.

I have one, "Dear
Saddam, have a blast."

Well it’s not bad, I mean it’s
a little on the head you know?

Hey, here’s a funny
one, " Hey Saddam,

this bomb looks
like your penis!"

(Laughter)

But, it’s - it’s a little
confusing isn’t it?

I mean, it implies a
large uh, penis and uh,

a lot of man might think that
having that---

would be desirable see?

Oh, come on. Who?

Hey, what about, " Dear Saddam,
your land lock

P - quad can’t stop this whale
either."

(Laughter)

Well don’t you
get it, Moby Dick.

Hussein as Ahab?

His land lock P - quad is
his bomb shelter, hello!

(Laughter)

Huh?

Do you read?

Did someone read a book?

I sort of liked it.

Uh, shut up.

Well what - what about a little
- a little miniature bomb?

,I mean, you could brush your
teeth with that couldn’t you?

I have a question, can we
alter the bombs in any way?

Alter them?

Yeah, like what if you want to
put a little dog head

on the top of your bomb?

Or yeah, or - or bristles
like on a toothbrush.

No, a dog head, then
you can write,

"Hey Saddam, I’m your little
lost dog and I’ve come home."

So, pet me.

(Laughter)

What?

I - I’ve come home, so
pet me.

No, it’s my bomb and
it’s my message.

But, it doesn’t matter, because
you can’t alter the bombs.

Hey how about, " Dear Saddam,

did you say you wanted
more bombs, or more clams?"

(Laughter)

Nice.

Guess I’m having little
trouble with that one.

Oh, no, no, it’s like he ordered
- he ordered clams someplace

right, but instead, it’s bombs.

(Laughter)

Oh, forget it,
forget it I give up.

Forget it, forget it.

How about, " Dear Saddam, I’m
your little son,

"come back to visit you.

"You never thought you’d
see me again didn’t you?

"Not with all the
pains you gave me.

"But, now I’m back and I’ve got
a little exploding to do

(Yelling)
in your face!"

(Laughter)

That’s---

that’s a good one.

(Laughter)

Wow, maybe that’s
enough for today.

Wait, wait.

What about just " peak
- a - boo I see you."

Now, there you go.

Now that - now see that’s
right on the money.

That’s good, that’s very good.

(Drums rolling)

Just as important as he pilots
are to any mission

are the men who load the bombs
on to the planes.

I’m here with Airman First
Class Jake Henderson.

Now, Airman Henderson I noticed
that you’ve written a message

on this bomb.

Could we see what
that is, please?

Okay, it reads, "Dear
Saddam, Peek - a - boo,

I’m your toothbrush."

(Laughter)

You know I - I don’t
get it, I’m sorry.

Well you know my original
message was better but I was---

I was talked into changing it.

Thanks Colonel.

This has been Heidi De Long
reporting live

from Saudi Arabia.

(Cheers and applause)

(Stuart Smiley speaking)
I deserve good things.

I am entitled to my
share of happiness.

I refuse to beat myself up.

I am an attractive person.

I am fun to be with.

(Phil Hartman speaking)
Daily Affirmation

with Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley is
a caring nurturer.

A member of several 12 -
step programs,

but not a licensed therapist.

I’m going to do a
terrific show today

and I’m going to help people,
because I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough, and
doggone it, people like me.

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley.

First off, I have to admit that
yesterday’s show

was not my best.

And it’s too bad, because it
was a very important topic,

You’re only sick
as your secrets.

And I blew it, but that’s okay.

I have to give myself permission
to do a bad show

every now and then.

And I think I know what I did
wrong I over prepared

because I’m a perfectionist,

which is my problem
and that’s okay.

(Laughter)

So, this morning I had
a flash, don’t prepare.

Don’t prepare.

Do today’s show in the now.

Talk about what’s going on
in my mind in the moment.

It’s not going to be
perfect but that’s okay.

(Laughter)

So, alright, okay.

Okay, so right
now I am blanking.

(Laughter)

Total, but that - that’s okay

because that’s what’s
going on right now.

Nothing.

Uh, except uh, for panic.

I’m beginning to panic, which is
okay, because it’s my panic

and I own my panic.

(Laughter)

And I’m thinking, I don’t
know what I’m doing,

they’re gonna cancel the show,
I’m 20 pounds overweight.

I’m gonna die homeless and
penniless

and no one will ever love me.

But, that’s just
stinking thinking,

raising it’s ugly head and
I refuse to beat myself up.

Okay, I’m beginning uh, to
believe that not preparing

was a big mistake.

Um, but that’s okay, because I’m
a human being and human beings

make mistakes and we have to
learn from our mistakes,

so next time I will prepare.

Okay, we have enough time
for a short affirmation

so---

(Flute playing)

look in your mirror.

Don’t look at me,
only you can help you.

That’s it.

Say, "Hello me, I am
a very special person.

I don’t have to be perfect.

I will cherish who I am in
the moment, but I will prepare.

(Laughter)

For things that are
important to me,

because, I am worth
preparing for.

Or something like that.

I’m sorry, I don’t know.

Okay, this was not one of my
best shows, but that’s okay.

Because this is Stuart Smalley
saying, "I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough, and
doggone it, people like me!"

This has been today’s daily
affirmation with Stuart
Smalley.

(Cheers and applause)

(Piano playing)

Thank you! Thanks
to the cast and crew.

Thanks to the audience.

Thank you to INXS!

Happy birthday, Hilda!

Thanks a lot, I appreciate it!

Good night!

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)