Original subtitles

(Don Pardo speaking) "Saturday Night Live"

will be seen immediately, following this Excellent Report.

(Man speaking) You are watching,

Cable 10 Aurora, Illinois,

Community Access Channel.

(Music)

"Wayne’s World!

Special Report!

Party Time!

Excellent!"

(Cheering and playing guitar)

Welcome to "Wayne’s World: Special Report"!

I’m your excellent and foreign host, Wayne Campbell!

With me, as always, is Garth.

Party on, Wayne!

Party on, Garth! Okay!

For the last 72 hours, all we’ve been doing

is watching television coverage, of the War in the Gulf.

Non-stop!

We haven’t been out of the basement, in three days!

We’ve got three sets down here, man!

It’s a media circus!

One set is on CNN, one set is

We ddin’t even both with CBS, because, I’m sorry,

their coverage sucks!

(Cheers and applause)

Dan Rather - not!

(Laughter)

(Fooling them selves)

Okay, we’ve been surviving on a diet of Pizza Hut Pizza

and Jolt Cola, so... we’re a little fried.

Yeah, man!

(Screaming)

But, we’re riding a humungoid caffeine, and sugar buzz.

I mean, I could bend spoons with my mind!

(Laughter)

I’m so tired, that for a while there

I was starting to hallucinate, man!

At about four in the morning, Garrett Utley

started to look like an alien!

I just wanted to grab his big head and go,

(Screaming)

Okay!

Our job tonight, is more to inform, than to entertain,

because, after 72 hours

of non-stop three-set intense watching,

I mean, we got so sucked into the coverage,

we didn’t even bother to go upstairs.

I mean, we just whizzed in the laundry room sink, you know?

(Laughter)

So, I don’t mean to be conceited,

but, we are now experts,

in the field of military hardware and media coverage.

Alright, Garth, quiz me.

Alright, what is the range, and speed of the Patriot missile?

Alright.

The MIM-104 Patriot, a surface to air missile with a range

of 37 miles at a speed of Mach-3,

primarily used against aircraft,

yes, but, battle-tested for the first time against Scuds.

He shoots, he scores!

(Cheering)

Excellent!

Alright, okay!

Now, it’s time for the, Best/Worst list

of media coverage.

(Both) "Best/Worst!

Best/Worst!

Party Time!

Excellent!"

(Fooling them selves)

Okay! Alright!

Okay! Best name of a correspondent!

Brick Hugh, ABC.

Geez, I wish that was my name!

(Soft laughter)

It sounds like, James Bond, you know?

"Hugh.

Brick Hugh."

Alright!

Congratulations!

Good work, my friend!

Okay!

(Laughter)

Okay! Worst Name.

CNNPentagon Correspondent, Wolf Blitzer?

(Laughter and applause)

Shyeah, shyeah, right!

It’s so obvious, the guy made it up, for the war!

Yeah!

Come on. I know!

It’s like, "Hi, we now take you to our

War Correspondent, Howitzer Explosion Guy."

(Laughter)

Okay!

Best Military Hardware Name.

SCUD.

(Laughter)

Scud! Scud!

A Soviet-made short-range blitzing missile, with a speed

of Mach-1, and a range of 300 miles!

Good work, my friend!

Excellent!

(Cheering)

You know, the first time I heard the word "Scud",

I thought it was like, you know when you see,

like, a really pretty chick, walking down the street,

about, 30 feet away, and you go,

"Hello!

Babe alert!"

Right?

But, when you get closer, you go,

"Oh, my God! She’s a scud!"

(Laughter and applause)

Was a Scud!

You know, it’s just like, the missile, right?

You’ve got, medium-range, chick scuds,

and long-range chick scuds, it’s brutal!

Alright, Worst Map.

"Nightline", ABC.

What were they thinking!

I know, it’s like a sandbox!

I built a volcano, in the third grade, that looked better!

Okay!

Best Video.

The Pentagon Smart Bomb tape.

You know, the one that’s so accurate

it goes through the door?

You know, the bomb that goes, "Knock-knock!"

Who’s there?

Ka!

Ka who?

(Both) Ka-boom!

(Laughter)

(Cheering)

Okay, Worst Going To Commercial War Theme.

CNN, man.

It was just a bunch of drums.

Hey!

Spend some money - it’s a war!

(Laughter)

(Fooling them selves)

Alright, Best Haircut, Ted Koppel.

It looks natural.

(Both) Not!

(Laughter)

Sidebar!

Sidebar!

Watch the wind, Ted!

(Screaming)

Alright!

(Laughter)

(Screaming)

Alright, Most Interesting Opening Line

On A Network Program.

Okay, easy.

"Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!"

(Screaming)

(Cheers and applause)

(Music and applause)

(Don Pardo speaking) It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Dennis Miller

Mike Myers

And Kevin Nealon

With Chris Farley

Chris Rock

Julia Sweeney

And featuring Al Franken

Rob Schneider

David Spade

G.E. Smith

and the Saturday Night Live Band.

(Music and applause)

And starring, Sting!

(Music and applause)

When the teams you get

have borrowed a thing or two, from us Brits.

You like, our pubs, and you like, our fish and chips.

And I’m about to let you in, on another secret

- Hedley & Wyche, the British toothpaste.

It’s the only toothpaste, we ever use!

One tube, last for years!

Actually, I’ve used it all my life,

and, I’ve never had to go to a dentist.

Hedley & Wyche, is the toothpaste

that, makes brushing, a pleasure.

That’s because, its mild cleaning agent

is enhanced by two teaspoons

of pure cane sugar, for a smile that says

"Yum, that was good!"

And it tastes great, on a cracker!

(Music and laughter)

* "Hedley & Wyche *

* The British toothpaste! *

* It tastes okay, *

* And it’s got, great taste!" *

Hedley & Wyche, the British toothpaste.

You don’t have to brush your teeth, every week -

but, you just might want to!

(Man speaking) Hedley & Wyche.

For a smile that says, "Yum, that was good!"

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Phil Hartman speaking) And now,

Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey.

(Soft music)

(Man speaking) To me, clowns aren’t funny.

In fact, they’re kind of scary.

I’ve wondered, where this started

and, I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus,

and a clown killed my dad.

(Music)

(Applause)

Tom, Tommy!

Hey, Richard, I’m just making some copies.

The Tomster! Tom Man! Tom, tom!

How are you doing Richard?

The Tomster, making copies, Mr. Tom.

Tommy!

Yeah, see you.

Tom!

Bill!

Billy!

The Bilster, Bill man!

Billy Bill Billl!

The name, is Randy.

Randy.

The Randster.

Only one copy, for the Ran man!

Randy.

Steve and Sandy, making copies.

The Steve man, and the Sandster, making copies.

Who is this guy, do you know him?

Don’t worry about him, that’s just Richard Lamer

it’s just his way of trying to be nice.

Hi, Richard.

The Sandster, saying hi!

Sandy and Stave.

Its kind of annoying, maybe somebody ought to talk to him.

Steve a ramba!

Stevevarmavic.

We’ve all tried, there’s nothing we can do.

Thank you.

Alright, Stevemo’s, finished with the copy.

Sandy turn, Sandita!

(Soft laughter)

Hey guy, what are you working on here?

Steve o rino.

You work for the, accounting department I guess.

Steve- O!

So, how do you like it here?

Alright, Stev - o rollo, the Stevemeister askin me questions.

(Laughter)

Well, I got to, finish my report see you later.

Richard, the Richmeister.

(Soft laughter)

Yeah , making friends, with the Stevenator.

(Laughter)

I think, there’s another copy machine, on this floor.

Okay.

Steve - O leaving the room, walking away,

with the Sandstress!

(Laughter)

Hey, Richard.

Sting!

The Stinglehoffer, making copies!

The Mc Steingster.

Sting - atolla, Sting!

(Laughter)

Stinggaling adding ding ding dong,dsong.

(Music and applause)

(Don Pardo speaking) And now, Weekend Update

with ancherperson, Dennis Miller.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you?

Our top story tonight, Parker Brother’s,

came out this week.

An announced, that Scud, has been officially approved

as a useable scrabble word.

(Laughter)

President Bush, this week, called

the initial airstrike, against Iraq, called

"The darnest search and destroy mission ever mounted."

(Laughter)

Boy, the gloves are off.

(Laughter)

As experts have predicted, the hostilities escalated yesterday

in the Middle East, as two US networks, fought with each other

over access to information and communications.

NBCsaid CNNhad

"Preferential treatment, from the Iraqi government",

CNN accused NBC of, "whining."

(Laughter)

Although they ordered, all the journalist out of Iraq,

that, isn’t stopping, our one- man mobile uplink unit

Al Franken, who reports now from Baghdad. Al!

Dennis, I am, in Baghdad.

Only electronic journalist, beaming out pictures from Iraq.

Now once again showing the value of a totally self contained

one - man, mobile uplink unit.

Al, Baghdad appears, once again

to be under massive aerial attack.

Uh, yes Dennis, and, it is eerily beautiful.

Uh, a couple of minutes ago, I saw I Tomahawkmissile actually

strike it’s target.

The Tomahawkis - is really amazing.

What it does is uh, it homes in on a radar signals,

or, radio waves, or any other electronic impulse.

And, once it homes in on it and,

it locks in that’s pretty much it.

Uh, oh wait a minute, I see one now.

In fact, it appears to be headed in this general direction.

Uh, turning now, toward me, and, Oh, my God!

(Explosion)

Al, Al!

Well, it appears that , Al’s equipment has become unplugged.

Uh, but, hopefully we’ll be seeing more

of our, one man mobile uplink unit, Al Franken.

After a seven - hour operation, the Joints Chiefs of Staff,

were finally separated this week.

(Laughter)

And, according to a recent wire service report, on an average

night, the White House, orders five pizzas

from Domino’spizza delivery, on an average night.

But, this week, as the countdown neared the deadline

on Tuesday night the White House ordered 55 pizzas.

I don’t have a joke, just, you know,

what do they do with all that pizza?

(Laughter)

Thousands of Iraqi refugees, have reportedly been flinged

across the border into Iran, to escape the bombings.

You know, we live in troubled times, when Iran

is considered safe harbor.

(Laughter)

Two pollspublished last Tuesday show,

the US population divided, on whether or not, to start a war.

But, a third poll, released by the White House

that evening, shows that a majority of Americans

favored an attack, rather than waiting.

(Laughter)

How many Iraqis does it take, to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they’re not allowed to turn their lights on anymore.

(Laughter)

And, CNNpresident, Ted Turner, this week

reportedly questioned, correspondent Bernard Shaw’s

expense account reports, from Baghdad.

Turner questioned the $17,000 in damages,

the Shaw’s hotel room, and said Bernie’s an animal.

He gets on the road, and he’s like Keith Moon.

(Laughter)

You know, I feel sorry for, the one retired Lieutenant Colonel

who, didn’t get a job as a military analyst, this week.

(Soft laughter)

MTVthis week, gave up close interviews, with rockstars

to get their opinions, on the Desert Storm War.

I find it a little incongruous, when guys from groups

like Megadethand Slaughter, wax philosophic about war.

(Soft laughter)

And now, here’s update correspondent, David Spade

with, what’s in and out in 1991.

David.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you.

(Applause)

Thank you, thank you Dennis.

Let’s get right to it, maybe you agree, maybe you won’t.

Okay, in, Edward Scissorhands, out, Edward Rockhands

and Edward Paperhands.

(Laughter)

Out, telling people you don’t watch TV,

In, admitting you taped, Charles in Charge.

In, Lorne Michaels, Out, kissing up to your boss.

In, I’m standing, and I’m very mobile.

Out, I’ve fallen, an I can’t get up!

(Laughter)

In, rock bands, that perform original songs.

Out, rockbans that have to remake old songs

and destroy them

’cause their brains are so clogged with bong resin

from high school,

they can’t think of an original creative thought.

(Laughter)

In, the United States of America

out, Saddam Hussein and Iraq!

Huh?!

(Cheers and applause)

That’s right!

(Cheers and applause)

In, sucking up, to popular opinion, for applause,

out, integrity.

(Laughter)

In, people that recognize me, from this show

even though, I’ve only been on, twice.

Out, people that think, I’m Dana Carvey.

(Laughter)

Out, guys with large weinies, in, guys with little ones.

(Laughter) Yeah.

Seriously.

In, Roseanne, in Roseanne, Tom Arnold.

(Laughter)

Out, Acid rain, also out, Acid wash jeans, almost as bad.

(Soft laughter)

In, palindromes, out, radar.

(Soft laughter)

Okay, out, overestimating

your audience’s vocabulary, in, caca poopoo.

(Soft laughter)

Inny, belly button, outy, belly button.

(Laughter)

In doors, outside inferior, outgoing,

in, blow and, out, your ass.

(Laughter)

In, David Lynch, out, Kevin Costner.

(Soft laughter)

I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I do like Kevin Costner

but, I act like I don’t’, so, that makes me overly cool.

Woo! In, me, out, you!

Thank you, David Spade.

Terrific job man.

(Cheers and applause)

And, the Japanese, who get 80% of their oil,

from the Persian Gulf,

have pledged, nine billion dollars

to our efforts, in the Gulf.

But, so far, they have come through with only 1.3 billion.

President Bush, has given Japan, a February 1st deadline,

to fork over the rest.

(Laughter)

Science Corner we will see

the mating habits, of the dancing coke can.

(Laughter)

Alright, now here’s the dancing coke can, you all recognize it.

(Soft laughter)

And, here’s the dancing coke can’s bed.

(Laughter)

Alright.

(Soft laughter)

Alright, now, this is coke can love.

(Knocking on wooden table)

(Laughter)

Now as you can see, they do it just like us,

but, they leave their shades on, when they do it.

And, probably some, residual shame they feel

from their carbonated protestant upbringing. Uh?

Now, as you can see, it keeps a steady rhythm.

Steady, steady.

Oh, he’s good.

He’s very good.

And they build, and they build, and they build,

gradually to a big -

(Can opens)

(Laughter)

Now, I want you little kid, coke cans at home, to remember

if you are gonna do this,

you got to wear one of these.

(Laughter and applause)

You know---

I wouldn’t be caught, without one,

I got mine, right here.

(Laughter)

Alright.

NFLcommissioner, Paul Taglibue said this week,

that, the NFLwill still hold the Super bowl,

but, the site of the game, will not be revealed,

until early that morning.

(Laughter)

The government unveiled,

two new secret weapons, this week.

The first weapon, Barbara Bush on a sled,

and the second weapon,

a huge aircraft carrier, moving in to the Gulf.

While that in itself, is a frightening prospect,

the US then, went on to reveal that

at the helm of the giant craft, is none other

than, Exxon captain’s Joseph Hazelwood.

Guess what folks, that’s the news, and I am out of here.

(Music and cheers)

(Laughing)

(Kevin Nealon speaking) Hey, we’ve got our apartment.

We ripped up the floors, pipes, wiring,

and, having everything completely redone.

(Man speaking) You’re renting, right?

Yeah.

Well, he’s an, ex free-base addict,

and he’s trying to turn his life around,

and he needs a place to stay, for a couple of months.

Head’s up!

(Mike Myers speaking) Now, that I have kids,

I feel a lot better, having a gun in the house.

(Laughter)

Hey!

(Phil Hartman speaking) I thought about it, and even though it’s over,

I’m going to tell my wife, about the affair.

(Laughter)

(Man speaking) I don’t know the guy, but, I’ve got two kidneys

and he needs one, so I figured.

(Laughter)

Normally I wear protection, but then I thought,

"When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?"

(Man speaking) Bad Idea Jeans.

Hey, you guys ready?

Yeah.

Let’s bet these guys!

A hundred bucks.

Ow!

Let’s make that, two hundred! Two hundred !

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Phil Hartman speaking) And now, Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey

(Music)

(Man speaking) If trees could scream,

would we be so cavalier, about cutting them down?

We might, if they scream all the time, for no good reason.

(Laughter)

(Cheers and applause)

(Birds twitter)

(Birds twitter)

(Man speaking): I remember, I was hammering on a fence, in the west pasture,

when papa approached.

He was carrying a letter or something, in his hand

and he look worried.

I continued to hammer , as he came toward me.

"Son" he said, "why are you hammering on that fence?

It already has plenty of nails in it."

Oh, I’m not using nails papa, I’m just hammering.

With that, I returned to my hammering.

Papa asked me to stop hammering, as he had some news.

I did stop hammering, but first

I’ve got a couple more hammers in.

And this seem to make papa mad.

"I said, stop hammering" he yelled.

I think he felt bad for yelling at me

especially, since it looked like he had bad news.

Look, he said, you can hammer later but first -

Well, I didn’t even wait to hear the rest, as soon as I heard

"you can hammer", that’s what I started doing.

Hammering away, happy as an old hammer dog.

Pap, tried to physically stop me from hammering

by inserting a small log

of some sort between, my hammer and the fence

but, I just kept on hammering.

’cause that’s the way I am, when I get that hammer going.

Then he just grabbed my arm, and made me stop.

"I’m afraid I have some news for you," he said.

I swear, what I did next, was not hammering.

I was just letting the hammer swing lazily at arms length,

and, maybe it tapped the fence once or twice

but, that’s all.

That apparently didn’t make, any difference whatsoever to papa

because, he just grabbed my hammer out of my hand,

and, flung it across the field.

When I saw my hammer,

flying helplessly through the air like that,

I just couldn’t take it.

I burst out crying, I admit it.

And I ran to the house, as fast as my legs could take me.

Son come back, yelled papa, what about your hammer?

But, I could not have cared less about hammering, at that point.

I ran into the house, and flung myself on to my bed,

pounding the bed with my fist.

I pounded and pounded, until finally, behind me,

I heard a voice.

As long as your pounding, why not use this.

I turned, and it was papa

holding a brand new solid gold hammer.

I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes

and ran to papa’s outstretched arms.

But, suddenly papa jumped out of the way

and I went sailing through thesecond story window

behind him.

(Soft laughter)

Whenever I hear about a kid, getting in trouble with drugs,

I like to tell them this story.

(Soft laughter)

(Music)

(Phil Hartman speaking) And now Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey

(Music)

(Man speaking) If a kid asks, where rain comes from,

I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying."

And if he asks, why God is crying,

another cute thing to tell him is,

"Probably because of something you did."

(Music)

(Cheers and applause)

(Music and cheers)

Welcome to Coffee Talk.

I’m your host Paul Baldwin.

On this show, we talk about coffee,

New York, daughters, dogs, you know no big whoop.

Just, coffee talk.

Like today, I was out with my dog, in New York

buying coffee, talking to my daughter.

I said to her,

"call me, you’re my daughter, we’ll have coffee, we’ll talk."

(Laughter)

Bring the dog, we’ll go to my loft,

have some coffee, and we’ll talk.

After all you’re my daughter.

P.S.

long story short, my daughter came to my loft,

we had coffee, we talked.

(Laughter)

End of story.

Okay, enough talk about me, give me a call.

Welcome to Coffee TalkI’m Paul Baldwin go ahead you know, talk.

Hello, my name is Mike Kaufmann.

I was in my office, talking to my boss, having a bowl.

When I got a call, it was going to be layoffs.

I felt awful, so I decided to call.

I’m glad you called, it’s good to talk.

It seems like, all over New York

people are getting laid off.

It’s awful. What can I say? I wish I could say more.

Have a coffee, a little chocolate,

if you still feel awful, give me a call.

(Laughter)

We’ll talk.

Welcome to Coffee Talk, I’m Paul Baldwin.

Hello, my name is Aubrey Dawson.

I think we should first, get out of Saudi but, first

we should saw or Saddam Hussein, with a circular saw.

Hey, Aubrey, this is Coffee Talk, okay.

And, on Coffee Talk, we talk about things like coffee, dogs,

New York and daughters, you know, no big whoop.

Welcome to Coffee Talk, I’m Paul Baldwin.

Hello Paul, my name is Walter McCauley

I just bought some broad loom, for my loft wall to wall.

Now I have this dog, and he- he just coughed up this ball

of something awful, I was appalled.

I want to give the dog away, to my daughter

but, she wants to keep the dog.

Walter, keep the dog.

Listen to your daughter, you can always get new wall to wall

but, you’ll only have one dog.

Welcome to Coffee Talk, I’m Paul Baldwin.

Hi, my name is Paul Shawn

and, I just want to say that

the other day, I parked my car in Harvard Yard, and uh,

then, I went and saw number 4 Bobby Ore and Larry Bird.

Hello, hold off a sec, I think you called the wrong talk show.

This is Coffee Talk you want Boston Talk.

That’s on Tuesdays.

(Door bell)

(Dog barks)

That will be my daughter with the dog.

I better put on some coffee.

That’s all the time we have on Coffee Talk.

My name is Paul Baldwin.

Call me we’ll talk.

You know, no big whoop.

(Music and cheers)

(Cheers and applause)

(Phil Hartman speaking) And now, Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

(Music)

(Man speaking) Contrary, to what most people say,

The most dangerous animal in the world,

Is not the lion, or the tiger, or even the elephant.

It’s a shark, riding on an elephant’s back.

Just trampling and eating, everything they see.

(Laughter)

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

I’d like to thank the cast for being incredibly supportive,

and helpful and funny.

And I’d like to thank, the audience here,

for being very kind to me.

Thank you very much. Good night!

(Music and cheers)

(Music and applause)