Original subtitles

(Music) (Cheers and applause)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Dennis Miller.

Mike Myers.

And Kevin Nealon.

With Chris Farley.

Chris Rock.

Julia Sweeney.

And featuring A. Whitney Brown

Rob Schneider.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Vanilla Ice.

And starring Joe Mantegna.

Ladies and gentleman Joe Mantegna!

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much.

What - what an honor.

I mean I never thought I’d get a chance to stand in this spot.

I mean after all when you think of somebody to host

a comedy show you don’t automatically think Joe Mantegna

but uh, I’ll do my best.

I’ve got the whole Mantegna family watching and so, um---

excuse me.

Uh, I’m sorry, something wrong?

It’s - it’s nothing just excuse us.

No, no, wait, wait, wait - is uh---

(Laughter)

Is there a problem?

No it’s just we made a mistake. It’s our---

Well no, no, no well maybe I can help.

Well we didn’t realize it -it was you hosting the show.

We thought - we thought it was Joe Montana.

(Laughter and applause)

The quarterback for the 49ers.

That’s fine.

No, I get it. No, I know.

No, I get that, I know the 49ers quarterback, I get that a lot.

Well, I can see you can make that mistake, but

why don’t you just stick around anyway, watch the show.

Well I would, but uh, Zachary’s a little upset and I think---

I think I better just take him home.

No, no hey, I understand.

He’s a kid, I mean you know he like to see the quarterback.

Hey, tell you what, can I talk to Zachary you know maybe like

apologize for disappointing him for not being Joe Montana?

Okay, sure. Zach, it’s okay, okay?

Hi, Zack I’m Joe.

Hi.

Hi. Hey, you’re a big guy you know?

You look like you could be a football player yourself.

Hey you want to see - you guys ever been on a TV studio before?

I mean look, look they’ve got cameras here.

These are just like the same kind of cameras they use

in the football games, you know?

Hey, come here Zack, I - I want to tell you something.

Here, why don’t you sit up right upon here.

Here, okay. Good, okay.

Now look Zack, I have something to tell you,

so listen very carefully, this is very important.

No one walks out when Joe Mantegna is on stage.

(Laughter)

You got that?

No obviously you’re not - you’re not familiar with my work as an actor,

but take my word for it, I - I play a lot of very mean,

very unpleasant characters and it’s no accident.

I am a very dangerous person.

Now, I think it’s great that you admire Jo Montana

he’s a fine quarterback, a wonderful role model,

you know, but you got to understand, this one phone call

from me and Joe Montana don’t play next week.

(Laughter)

Or maybe Joe Montana wakes up

with Hon Madden’s head in his sheets.

You understand?

And do you believe that I could do the same thing to your dad?

(Laughter)

Yeah, that’s good.

Now I want you to do something for me.

I want you to go back to your seat and I want you to sit

and enjoy the show and I want you to laugh very hard

at all the funny things you’ll see.

Uh, except for the music that you must whoop at, okay?

Now we have an understanding? Good.

Now we are friends.

And if either one of us is ever in trouble

that one can go to the other for aid or assistance.

Uh - huh. Isn’t that great?

Good. Now, now let’s go back and talk to dad okay.

I like that.

(Laughter)

Uh, dad.

Hey Zack has decided to uh, stay and watch the show.

Really Zack?

You’re gonna be okay?

Okay.

Hey, you listen to your dad, Zack you - you got a good dad.

(Laughter)

Alright, we got a great show tonight.

Vanilla Ice is here. We’ll be right back.

(Cheers and applause)

Hello New York and Happy New Year.

1991 is finally here and it’s about time.

Tough, tough year for the big apple

and our image around the country.

First there was the Time Magazine cover story depicting

New York as a rotting crime infested hell hole.

And then, well just last week, the final homicide statistics

came out showing that New York has set

a new record for 1990 for murders.

Has New York become unlivable?

Well, our guest today doesn’t think so.

I think that’s uh, really so true.

He’s Mayor Dinkins’ special assistant on violent crimes

his name is Michael Fuzco.

Mike, welcome to Hello New York.

Thank you, Evan.

I just want to say New York is not a rotting crime infested,

hell hole.

The fact is that in violent crimes per capita,

New York is number eight nationwide.

Number eight per capita and we’d like to remind people, that

for every victim of a violent crime in this city,

there were four people who visited the Museum of Modern Art.

(Laughter)

Alright, let’s go to our phones, our lines are open.

Hello New York.

(Man speaking) Yeah, uh, hello.

I - I was mugged this past November in the subway.

I was coming home from a Knicks game.

Uh, what time was that?

Well uh, well jeez it was a night game it went into overtime

so uh, it was about you know 1:15

Oh, well come on, it’s 1:15 Am and you’re on the subway,

what do you expect?

But---

(Laughter)

Next call, Hello, New York.

(Man speaking) Yeah uh, I got stabbed last week.

(Laughter)

Uh, what time of day?

Uh, three in the afternoon.

Uh - huh and where were you?

I was in Midtown, I was carrying groceries to my apartment

and these four guys stuck me with a screwdriver.

Well, sir, let me ask you something,

before these individuals stabbed you---

Yeah?

Did you speak to any of them?

No.

Did you make eye contact?

Yeah.

(Laughter)

Sir, can you tell me why someone in 1991 would make eye contact

with a stranger on the street?

(Laughter)

Why not just wear a T shirt saying, "I’m an idiot, stab me."

(Laughter)

Next call.

Hello, New York.

(Man speaking) Yes uh - I was uh, doused with gasoline, set on fire,

and thrown off my roof.

(Laughter)

Well, anybody who’s been set on fire and thrown off a building

will tell you, it’s awful, it’s just an awful experience.

But unfortunately these things happen in New York.

People are going to get doused and lit on fire.

Tourist are going to get pushed onto subway tracks and

little kids are gonna smoke crack and beat old people with hammers.

(Laughter)

But, that’s the price you pay for living in the most vibrant,

exciting city in the world.

That’s right, that’s right.

Where else can you see Cats, Phantom of the Opera,

we got Aspects of Lovenow.

You can see five different Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals

in five different nights here in New York.

I mean, can you do that in Washington?

Which, by the way ranks number one

in six different categories of homicide.

The fact is New York ranks first only in one type of homicide,

and that is a stranger walking up to another stranger

and shooting him.

(Laughter)

Hmm, alright let’s take another call.

Hello, New York.

(Man speaking) Yeah, I was flying to Florida

and we had a stop over in New York.

Uh - huh.

Well while we were seating on the ground, a group of wilding

teenagers boarded the plane and beat me on the head with a pipe.

(Laughter)

And which airport was this?

La Guardia.

Well uh, there you go.

(Laughter and applause)

You know, we’ve got Lincoln Center,

we’ve got Tavern on the Green.

Uh, where can you order Chinese food at four in the morning?

Try doing that in uh, Santa Fe!

Alright, let’s take another call.

Hello, New York.

(Man speaking) Yes, I had a question but while I was on hold I was shot.

(Laughter)

Uh - huh, well hang up and call 911 and let it ring,

somebody’s there.

Okay, thanks.

You know---

(Busy tone)

that reminds me the mayor’s office is distributing

these free pamphlets.

"So you’ve been shot"

(Laughter)

So you’ve been stabbed.

So you’ve been doused with gasoline and set on fire.

(Laughter)

And of course the I love New York guide

to avoiding eye contact.

(Laughter)

Alright, thank you.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, Mike Fusco from the mayor’s office.

Now, I know you have to leave.

Yes, tonight I’m seeing Cats again.

Oh really? I’m gonna go see Les Mis.

Okay, back in a minute with a real state collapse update

after this.

(Cheers and applause)

* "He’s concerned and he’s nice, he’s...Officer Miller! *

* He gives out free advice, he’s.. Officer Miller! *

* If you’re down and in doubt you’ll be glad he’s about *

* so just give him a shout! *

* Hey! *

* Officer Miller!" *

* "That’s me!" *

Hi, Billy!

Hi, Officer Miller!

I see you’ve started smoking.

Yes, sir. It kinda makes me feel like one of the older guys.

You want one?

No, I keep something else in my pocket, Billy.

Pictures. Wan to see them?

Sure!

Wow what’s that?

That’s a human lung, Billy.

(Laughter)

A healthy one! Pink, clean, fresh - good enough to eat.

(Laughter)

Now, this is a smoker’s lung, Billy... all tar and tumors.

Not a pretty sight.

No, it isn’t.

Oh. Take a look at this one.

This is a guy who had to have his jaw removed.

Yeah he’s a funny-looking sort, isn’t he?

Talk about your weak chin!

(Both laugh)

Whoa, what’s this one?

Oh, that’s an enlarged prostate, Billy.

(Laughter)

We’ll talk about that some other time.

Okay.

Say, why aren’t you playing ball with your friends today?

Well, I got a lot on my mind.

My grades, the Middle East.

Why are we over there, Officer Miller?

Well, it has something to do with freedom, Billy.

What is freedom, anyway?

I think Kris Kristofferson said it best:

(Laughter)

"Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to do.

Nothing ain’t worth nothing, but it’s free."

Let me see if I can put it another way.

There’s an old Persian proverb that says,

"Every man is free to jump as high as his own penis."

(Laughter)

What does that mean?

How old are you, Billy?

14.

Ah, 14.

I guess, there’s a lot I don’t understand.

Well, part of the confusion comes from the fact that you’re at the age

we call puberty.

Right now, your body is producing enough testosterone

to kill a man in his fifties.

(Laughter)

Um, sometimes when I see a woman just walking across the street,

I look at her body, and I just want to jumpon her

and climball over her, undress herwith my teeth.

(Laughter and applause)

O-kay, okay.

I just wish there were some way to tell if women

are attracted to me.

Well, Billy, humans are unlucky in that department.

You see, in the rest of the animal kingdom,

the female gives off very clear signals that she’s an estress

and eager to rut with any available male.

It might be a scent, or a particular call,

or, in the case of the chukma baboon,

the female genitalia becomes flared and swollen!

It looks like a big, red catcher’s mitt.

(Laughter)

Unfortunately, humans have to wear clothes.

So, any display of swelling or discoloration is hidden.

(Laughter)

Oh, I see.

So, the human female has to be a little more subtle.

She might show her approval with a smile, or a gesture,

or the way she moves her hips when she walks.

Turning a means of locomotion into the act of trolling

for our attention.

Do you know what a "tease" is, Billy?

I think... Sherry O’Donnell?

Exactly, and there are millions just like her.

You know, society is funny.

A man’s not supposed to notice or say anything,

he’s just supposed to stand there with a big smile

on his face.

Stand there, in his thick, scratchy, blue uniform.

Maybe he forgot to wear his t-shirt that day,

and his nipples are on fire!

Because they’ve been rubbed raw against the stiff wool---

Well, I got to go play ball, Officer Miller.

Hey, hey! Not so fast, Billy!

Let me ask you - what kind of gal are you looking for?

Oh, somebody nice, somebody kind,

somebody who will love me for myself.

(Laughs)

Oh, Billy.

Do you remember the song, "I Want A Girl Just Like The Girl

Who Married Dear Old Dad"?

No.

Well, it’s an old song.

What do you look for in a woman?

Well, my mother abandoned me when I was three years old,

so, I look for women who will love me for a little while,

and then go away.

(Laughter and applause)

You know, Billy, I feel the best kind of woman

is the one who’s guaranteed to someday not be there.

(Laughter)

Okay.

Now you can run along and play ball now.

Thanks, Officer Miller.

Say, would you throw these away for me?

You’re a good kid, Billy. So long!

(Laughter)

(Music)

* "Hey! Officer Miller!" *

(Cheers and applause)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking) And nowWeekend Update

with Anchorperson Dennis Miller!

(Cheers and applause)

God, I love Bowie,

(Laughter and applause)

You what’s the best thing about that song is,

he wrote it 10 years ago but it’s timeless.

I bet you it could still be a big hit today.

(Laughter)

Fighting finally broke out in the Middle East today

when Tom Brokaw and Ted Koppel began beating up on Dan Rather.

(Laughter)

The big story this week, talks between Secretary of State,

James baker and Iraqi foreign Minister Aziz

broke down Wednesday in Geneva.

Aziz refused to deliver a letter from President Bush

to President Saddam Hussein saying the letter was, "Rude."

While we at Weekend Update have gotten hold

of the President’s letter and we’ll let you decide

for yourself where it is indeed rude.

Dear Sad.

(Laughter)

I would be more than happy to deal with you face to face

if I could stand the smell.

(Laughter)

Barbara and I have run across some freaks and low life

in our day, but you take the prize.

Today I looked in my toilet and you came to mind.

(Laughter)

So get your fat ass out of Kuwait, before I take

an 11 - inch rod and personally etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

(Laughter and applause)

At the talks, Tariq Aziz claimed Hussein invaded Kuwait solely

to help the Palestinian people.

Baker says he understands completely,

especially since our troops are just trying to help out

the people of Greenland.

(Laughter)

Iraqi foreign minister Aziz was quoted last week in Geneva

saying, "I swear these are not Groucho glasses,

this is my real face."

(Laughter and applause)

How can we be that afraid of a man who sits like this?

(Laughter)

And here’s a program note, remember to tune in

Tuesday night at 11:30 Eastern time for a one hour special,

Dick Clark’s Rocking Invasion Eve.

(Laughter)

War jitters mounted this week in Jordan.

When asked how those war jitters were manifesting themselves,

Jordan said "I can’t hit a jumper anymore."

(Laughter)

Here are the joints chief of staff chairman,

General Colin Powell and his immediate unwilling semi colonel Schwarzkopf

trying to cover their embarrassment in showing up

in the same costume.

(Laughter)

Vice President Quayle said last week he’ll quit golfing

in an all white club, but will maintain membership

in an all male club and an all idiot club

outside of Bethesda, Maryland.

(Laughter)

On his New Year’s visit to the gulf,

Quayle began to play volleyball with the troops but the game

ground to a halt when the Vice President was unable to rotate.

(Laughter)

President Bush this week held a press conference

and called for a cutback in podium expenditures

in the new federal budget.

(Laughter and applause)

In the background are his trusted advisers and

as you can see, they’re all hands on guys.

(Laughter)

When asked what he thought of his Men of the Year Time cover,

President Bush said, "I like it, but I didn’t like it."

And now here with the big picture

is A. Whitney Brown. Welcome Whitney.

Thank you Dennis, nice to be here.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Well my friends there are exactly three shopping days left

for Saddam Hussein.

You know but it’s getting really hard to cash a check in Iraq

right now.

Anyway the real battle just ended a few hours in congress.

You see according to the constitution only congress

has the power to declare war not the president.

Now the constitution says a lot of thing;

for example only congress has the power to raise taxes,

yet that doesn’t keep the president from promising

not to do it.

The founding fathers, you see were afraid that if they let

the president declare war, then every time the guy ran

into a domestic problem with a no win solution, he will start

looking around for a worthy foreign dictator

with a shady moustache and a bad attitude

to take the heat off of him.

But somewhere along the line some president convince congress

that no Chief executive would ever sink that low;

I think it was Nixon.

(Laughter)

So, anyway the president got the key to the gun cabinet now

congress wants it back.

The President says congress waited too long, it’s too late,

they’re indecisive.

Congress on the other hand says that until last Tuesday they

were busy debating how they were gonna spend the peace dividend.

So the upshot is the president will have the right to go to war

and congress will have the right to criticize him

if it goes badly.

As far as the public is concern they’re ready to fight.

50% of Americans think we should attack at 12:01 AM January 16th.

I read that in USA Today.

Well, I didn’t actually read it, but there was a stick figure

with a rifle fighting another stick figure with a tank

and a pie with red white and blue colored pieces cut up.

So Americans are very well informed about the situation.

(Laughter)

And it’s nice to know we won’t be fighting alone.

We’ll have 4,000 French troops behind us, which is where

they’ll be, but nevertheless, they’re gonna fight.

They’re still trying to live down losing that war

with Green Peace, but they’ll be behind.

Now we’ve also got 60,000 Egyptian troops and I don’t want

to be picky about this but when was the last time

Egypt won a war?

(Laughter)

Now, I know they fought the Nubians to a draw in 2300 BC,

but I mean, since gunpowder?

You know we also have several thousand troops from Bangladesh.

And they’re not very well equipped but at least

they don’t complain about the field rations.

The thing is though we even have aligned ourselves with Syria,

yes, our good friend and loyal ally Hafad Azad.

Apparently Idi Amin wasn’t available, he’s uh,

locked up in a hotel in Cairo, trying to get down

to his fighting weight.

Anyways the aptly named deadline approaches,

I can only say to all combat and civilians,

please, try to find a place to hide.

And that my friends is the Big Picture.

Thank you, Whitney.

Thank you, Dennis.

(Cheers and applause)

And hard times for the Soviet economy means slip pickings

in Russian stores.

Here shoppers line up outside of Moscow establishment

to fight for just two melons and an old woman.

Squeezing the overripe head of the old woman,

one shopper called it "The worse season ever."

That’s newly elected Massachusetts Governor

William Weld being congratulated by former governor Michael Dukakis

who stepped down this week and he didn’t have far to step.

State representative, David Duke has announced plans

to run for governor of Louisiana.

Duke threw his hood into the ring, at a special luncheon

last week in Kenner, Louisiana.

Tuesday night, three new members were elected

to baseball’s hall of fame in Cooperstown, New York.

Those to be honored with bronze plaques are 7 time

American league batting champ Rod Carew,

two - time Cy Young Award winning pitcher Gaylord Perry,

and six season, 20 game winner, Ferguson Jenkins.

One of next year’s possible nominees Red’s manager Pete Rose

is currently in the half way hall of fame

in Cincinnati, Ohio.

And---

(Cheers and applause)

the national coalition on television violence

is protesting President Bush’s appointment

of Arnold Schwarzenegger as the chairman on physical fitness.

They claim Arnold movies teach more violence

than anything else.

The actor cited dozens of body building titles in his defense,

and several health books he’s written.

But the coalition still refused to listen so Arnold killed them.

(Laughter)

After a two - month layoff tennis star Boris Becker’s

new diet has really paid off.

(Laughter)

And in Washington, D.C. yesterday a reproductive

rights group staged a protest outside of free clinic,

where many have gathered to have their tubas tied.

(Laughter)

It’s your choice to laugh at that.

You know, according to the census bureau this week due to the ever

increasing population explosion everyone will now be famous

for 14 minutes.

And the New Year’s a decline in the popularity of cartoon star

Bart Simpson who probably made a fatal image error

when he decided to get help for his hypertension.

(Laughter)

A footnote on our top story.

Immediately after Wednesday’s Geneva meeting failed

to achieve results, Secretary of State Baker using his fingers,

began a clear countdown to war.

Five, four, three, two, one, zero.

We can all only hope that this countdown stops at two

and we have peace for all.

Guess what’s folks, that’s the news---

(Cheers and applause)

This is a very sad occasion.

We are here to remember a man who has meant so much

to all of us.

We have lost a wonderful man, the greatest cutman

in boxing history.

The man who closed so many wounds and stopped so much

bleeding and swelling between rounds so that boxers

of every race and creed could continue

their business in the ring.

I’m talking of course, about Eddie "The Clot" O’ Hanlon.

(Crowd laughter and applause)

Eddie was the best.

He followed in the great tradition of men like

Stitchy McWewing, Tissues Terillo, and going way back,

Knife and Putty Cavanaugh.

I know, when I was a fighter he came through for me.

He was so wonderful, I remember this on gash that started up

here, on my forehead.

It crossed through my eye and finished on my nose.

It kind of had the Florida shape.

And that the blood was mixing with my sweat running

into my mouth.

When I got back into my corner, I thought this is one gash,

that is too big too close.

Then, Eddie comes over takes out my mouthpiece,

(Crying) presses on the gash.

Oh you give me a minute here.

(Crowd laughter)

He pulls out some Vaseline.

Jams his q - tip into the gash, gets it in there real deep

and seals the clot.

That was Eddie.

Now, I want to introduce one of the great trainers a man

who had Eddie " the Clot" in his corner many times,

Victor Parpalano.

(Applause)

I’m just gonna tell one story.

A story that cheek and the earlobe.

Many of you have heard it, but I think it’s worth repeating.

It sums up Eddie quite well.

We were in the ring in Miami and Eddie has left

his bag of stuff at the hotel.

He quickly desperately grabbed whatever he could find

in the arena.

Well, sure enough in the first round our fighter

Loopy Sanchez gets cut twice.

The left ear was torn, the earlobe dangling from the head.

And on the other side of the face a sliced open cheek

with the exposed bone.

And all Eddie had to work with was a bucket,

a pair of scissors, a wet rag, and some caramel candy.

(Laughter and applause)

And 45 seconds in which to work his magic.

Well Eddie went to work.

He took the dead part of the earlobe and snipped it off

wedging it into the cheek cut and stopping the bleeding.

Then, finally, sealing both wounds with the caramel candy.

Naturally, I was concerned.

Eddie, I asked, are you sure this is legal?

He turned to me and he said, "I don’t care right now

this Mexican kid wants to fight."

Well that kid’s here today, Loopy Sanchez.

(Applause)

Thank you Victor, thank you.

I know it’s never easy to get through that story.

Now, let’s hear from one of Eddie the Clot’s disciples.

A fine cut man in his own right, Casey The Coagulator McLeary.

(Mourners applause)

You know a lot’s been said here today about Eddie.

We heard about the cuts he’s closed and the bleeding

that he stopped.

But, I think a lot of people don’t realize

how great Eddie was at draining fluids.

(Laughter)

There was this one time when Toney Gugliano

took a thumb to the eye right?

It got swollen like a grapefruit and now what Eddie had to do,

was reach all the way up into the socket and pull the tissue back.

Now that’s a hard move ’cause you’ve got

the brain right here right?

And he would this ain’t doing justice.

Eddie if you can hear up there

you know the cut I’m talking about, right Eddie?

Thanks, Casey.

That’s a side of Eddie I did not know.

And now, some of the true legends of boxing

would like to pay their respects.

First the great welterweight who fought a record

260 professional bouts Dancing, Joe Katon.

(Applause)

It was Eddie, It was Eddie the Clot---

I’m tired I want some eggs.

Eddie says and he said never forget and I’ll never forget

and Eddie said - he said give me some eggs.

Eddie said...

(gibberish)

It was...

I’ll never forgets it, I’ll never forgets it.

Thanks, Dancing Joe.

(Mourners’ applause)

Now, there’s a man who could really take a punch.

And now one of the bright stars of the modern boxing world,

Hector Macho Man Camacho.

(Mourners’ applause)

Don’t forget about the Macho Man.

(Laughter)

March 14, I am going to beat Tony Tucker.

Thank you, Hector.

Don’t you forget about the Macho Man.

They know.

We are honored to hear from someone very special

Mrs. Eddie the ClotO’ Hanlon.

(Mourners’ applause)

(Laughter)

Eddie was so considerate you know?

I remember one night we had tickets to South Pacific

and Eddie hadn’t had a day off in about 200 nights

and I guess I must have been on cloud 9 or something.

But anyway, I tripped in the shower and I cut my head

and the blood was coming out real fast and I told him I said,

"Eddie, let’s get to a hospital!"

He said, "Baby, you’re gonna see that show!"

10 minutes later I was looking at Mary Martin.

That’s a a strong beautiful woman.

And now Dancing Joe will lead us in a final prayer

for Eddie the Clot.

Dancing Joe.

Our father who art in heaven.

(All mourners) Our father who art in heaven.

How’d be thy-- (gibberish)

(All mourners) How’d be thy-- (gibberish)

(Speaking in tongues)

I want some sausage.

(All mourners speaking in tongues)

(Speaking in tongues)

(Cheers and applauses)

So let me close by saying that your attention in this matter

would be uh, good.

Alright, read it back.

Okay, Dear sir.

The part shipment we received on December 4th was unsatisfactory.

Okay, now this part is all new.

The replacement parts in the aforementioned shipment

received Tuesday last, were proven to be inferior,

when put to use.

No, no, when put into normal use as they were in no way

applied to any incorrect usage.

Read that part back.

Dear sir, the shipment we received on December 4th

was unsatisfactory.

The replacement parts in aforementioned shipment was---

No, no, no, no back up.

Received on December 4th, which was unsatisfactory---

okay, start again.

The replacement parts received from the shipment

mentioned above, were met with disappointment

upon their application to service.

No, no, served us in a greatly disappointing manner,

which we did not like.

Have I said we didn’t like it, anywhere?

Well, you said this shipment was unsatisfactory.

Well, is that the same thing?

I thought so, yes.

No, no, no. leave it in, leave it in.

So now where are we?

Okay they served us in a greatly disappointing manner

that we did not like.

Okay, one more change.

Served us in a disappointing manner, that greatly displeased

all involved as the parts refer to early either repeatedly

found themselves in a broken capacity

upon their being exposed to even slight wearage.

Okay, let’s start over, what’s at the top again?

The shipment we received on December the 4th---

was unsatisfactory and we feel oblige to point out

the source of our displeasure

with your here to for find product.

No, don’t write that yet.

It would behoove us both to understand the causes

of our chagrin.

Oh, I know what’s wrong.

Mr. Lucans, Mr. Lucans, why don’t you say that the shipment

was unsatisfactory and you like a replacement

as soon as possible?

It seems like it would be a lot more efficient a lot more---

What was the last word I said?

Chagrin.

Okay, Dear sir, it is with great chagrinthat I express

my dissatisfaction with the shipment received from you by us

on the Tuesday prior to this letter.

The replacement parts on this shipment previously referred to,

served us in what proved to be a failing capacity,

that was unacceptable.

A prompt reply to the situation would seem befitting

for all parties involved, with warmest personal regards,

Don Lucans.

(Music)

Well we got a reply to your letter.

Oh what does it say?

Now, Dr. Mr. Lucans, upon receiving your letter

on the 12th regarding the shipment received by you

on the 4th we feel oblige to say that your prompt attention

is very greatly appreciated in reference

to the defective merchandise mentioned in your letter,

regarding our shipment mentioned above.

We find ourselves to be especially cognizant

of the issues raised in your letter

relative to the refunding of your money.

Alright!

(Cheers and applause)

(Piano playing)

It’s been a great week.

On behalf of the cast and crew and Vanilla Ice and everybody,

so long.

Bye bye.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)