All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S16E10.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

(Music)
(Cheers and applause)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Dennis Miller.

Mike Myers.

And Kevin Nealon.

With Chris Farley.

Chris Rock.

Julia Sweeney.

And featuring A.
Whitney Brown

Rob Schneider.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Vanilla Ice.

And starring
Joe Mantegna.

Ladies and gentleman
Joe Mantegna!

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Thank you very much.

What - what an honor.

I mean I never thought I’d get
a chance to stand in this spot.

I mean after all when you think
of somebody to host

a comedy show you don’t
automatically think Joe Mantegna

but uh, I’ll do my best.

I’ve got the whole Mantegna
family watching and so, um---

excuse me.

Uh, I’m sorry,
something wrong?

It’s - it’s nothing
just excuse us.

No, no, wait, wait,
wait - is uh---

(Laughter)

Is there a problem?

No it’s just we made a
mistake. It’s our---

Well no, no, no well
maybe I can help.

Well we didn’t realize it
-it was you hosting the show.

We thought - we thought
it was Joe Montana.

(Laughter and applause)

The quarterback for the 49ers.

That’s fine.

No, I get it. No, I know.

No, I get that, I know the 49ers
quarterback, I get that a lot.

Well, I can see you can make
that mistake, but

why don’t you just stick around
anyway, watch the show.

Well I would, but uh, Zachary’s
a little upset and I think---

I think I better
just take him home.

No, no hey, I understand.

He’s a kid, I mean you know he
like to see the quarterback.

Hey, tell you what, can I talk
to Zachary you know maybe like

apologize for disappointing
him for not being Joe Montana?

Okay, sure. Zach,
it’s okay, okay?

Hi, Zack I’m Joe.

Hi.

Hi. Hey, you’re
a big guy you know?

You look like you could be a
football player yourself.

Hey you want to see - you guys
ever been on a TV studio before?

I mean look, look
they’ve got cameras here.

These are just like the same
kind of cameras they use

in the football games,
you know?

Hey, come here Zack, I - I
want to tell you something.

Here, why don’t you sit
up right upon here.

Here, okay. Good, okay.

Now look Zack, I have
something to tell you,

so listen very carefully, this
is very important.

No one walks out when
Joe Mantegna is on stage.

(Laughter)

You got that?

No obviously you’re not -
you’re not familiar with my work
as an actor,

but take my word for it,
I - I play a lot of very mean,

very unpleasant characters and
it’s no accident.

I am a very dangerous person.

Now, I think it’s great that you
admire Jo Montana

he’s a fine quarterback, a
wonderful role model,

you know, but you got to
understand, this one phone call

from me and Joe Montana
don’t play next week.

(Laughter)

Or maybe Joe Montana wakes up

with Hon Madden’s
head in his sheets.

You understand?

And do you believe that I could
do the same thing to your dad?

(Laughter)

Yeah, that’s good.

Now I want you to
do something for me.

I want you to go back to your
seat and I want you to sit

and enjoy the show and I want
you to laugh very hard

at all the funny things
you’ll see.

Uh, except for the music
that you must whoop at, okay?

Now we have
an understanding? Good.

Now we are friends.

And if either one of us is
ever in trouble

that one can go to the other
for aid or assistance.

Uh - huh.
Isn’t that great?

Good. Now, now let’s go back
and talk to dad okay.

I like that.

(Laughter)

Uh, dad.

Hey Zack has decided to uh,
stay and watch the show.

Really Zack?

You’re gonna be okay?

Okay.

Hey, you listen to your dad,
Zack you - you got a good dad.

(Laughter)

Alright, we got a
great show tonight.

Vanilla Ice is here.
We’ll be right back.

(Cheers and applause)

Hello New York and
Happy New Year.

1991 is finally here
and it’s about time.

Tough, tough year for the
big apple

and our image
around the country.

First there was the Time
Magazine cover story depicting

New York as a rotting
crime infested hell hole.

And then, well just last week,
the final homicide statistics

came out showing that New
York has set

a new record
for 1990 for murders.

Has New York become
unlivable?

Well, our guest today
doesn’t think so.

I think that’s uh,
really so true.

He’s Mayor Dinkins’ special
assistant on violent crimes

his name is Michael Fuzco.

Mike, welcome to Hello
New York.

Thank you, Evan.

I just want to say New York is
not a rotting crime infested,

hell hole.

The fact is that in
violent crimes per capita,

New York is number
eight nationwide.

Number eight per capita and we’d
like to remind people, that

for every victim of a violent
crime in this city,

there were four people who
visited the Museum of
Modern Art.

(Laughter)

Alright, let’s go to our
phones, our lines are open.

Hello New York.

(Man speaking)
Yeah, uh, hello.

I - I was mugged this past
November in the subway.

I was coming home
from a Knicks game.

Uh, what time was that?

Well uh, well jeez it was
a night game it went into
overtime

so uh, it was
about you know 1:15

Oh, well come on, it’s 1:15 Am
and you’re on the subway,

what do you expect?

But---

(Laughter)

Next call, Hello, New York.

(Man speaking)
Yeah uh, I got
stabbed last week.

(Laughter)

Uh, what time of day?

Uh, three in the afternoon.

Uh - huh and where were you?

I was in Midtown, I was
carrying groceries to my
apartment

and these four guys stuck
me with a screwdriver.

Well, sir, let me
ask you something,

before these individuals
stabbed you---

Yeah?

Did you speak to any of them?

No.

Did you make eye contact?

Yeah.

(Laughter)

Sir, can you tell me why someone
in 1991 would make eye contact

with a stranger on the street?

(Laughter)

Why not just wear a T shirt
saying, "I’m an idiot, stab me."

(Laughter)

Next call.

Hello, New York.

(Man speaking)
Yes uh - I was uh, doused
with gasoline, set on fire,

and thrown off my roof.

(Laughter)

Well, anybody who’s been set on
fire and thrown off a building

will tell you, it’s awful,
it’s just an awful experience.

But unfortunately these
things happen in New York.

People are going to get
doused and lit on fire.

Tourist are going to get pushed
onto subway tracks and

little kids are gonna smoke
crack and beat old people with
hammers.

(Laughter)

But, that’s the price you pay
for living in the most vibrant,

exciting city in the world.

That’s right, that’s right.

Where else can you see
Cats, Phantom of the Opera,

we got Aspects of Lovenow.

You can see five different
Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals

in five different nights
here in New York.

I mean, can you do
that in Washington?

Which, by the way
ranks number one

in six different
categories of homicide.

The fact is New York ranks first
only in one type of homicide,

and that is a stranger walking
up to another stranger

and shooting him.

(Laughter)

Hmm, alright let’s
take another call.

Hello, New York.

(Man speaking)
Yeah, I was flying to Florida

and we had a stop over
in New York.

Uh - huh.

Well while we were seating on
the ground, a group of wilding

teenagers boarded the plane and
beat me on the head with a
pipe.

(Laughter)

And which airport was this?

La Guardia.

Well uh, there you go.

(Laughter and applause)

You know, we’ve got
Lincoln Center,

we’ve got Tavern on the Green.

Uh, where can you order Chinese
food at four in the morning?

Try doing that in uh, Santa Fe!

Alright, let’s
take another call.

Hello, New York.

(Man speaking)
Yes, I had a question but while
I was on hold I was shot.

(Laughter)

Uh - huh, well hang up and call
911 and let it ring,

somebody’s there.

Okay, thanks.

You know---

(Busy tone)

that reminds me the
mayor’s office is distributing

these free pamphlets.

"So you’ve been shot"

(Laughter)

So you’ve been stabbed.

So you’ve been doused with
gasoline and set on fire.

(Laughter)

And of course the I love
New York guide

to avoiding eye contact.

(Laughter)

Alright, thank you.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, Mike Fusco
from the mayor’s office.

Now, I know you have to leave.

Yes, tonight I’m
seeing Cats again.

Oh really?
I’m gonna go see Les Mis.

Okay, back in a minute with a
real state collapse update

after this.

(Cheers and applause)

* "He’s concerned and he’s nice,
he’s...Officer Miller! *

* He gives out free advice,
he’s.. Officer Miller! *

* If you’re down and in doubt
you’ll be glad he’s about *

* so just give him a shout! *

* Hey! *

* Officer Miller!" *

* "That’s me!" *

Hi, Billy!

Hi, Officer Miller!

I see you’ve started smoking.

Yes, sir. It kinda makes me feel
like one of the older guys.

You want one?

No, I keep something
else in my pocket, Billy.

Pictures. Wan to see them?

Sure!

Wow what’s that?

That’s a human lung, Billy.

(Laughter)

A healthy one! Pink, clean,
fresh - good enough to eat.

(Laughter)

Now, this is a smoker’s lung,
Billy... all tar and tumors.

Not a pretty sight.

No, it isn’t.

Oh. Take a look at this one.

This is a guy who had
to have his jaw removed.

Yeah he’s a funny-looking
sort, isn’t he?

Talk about your weak chin!

(Both laugh)

Whoa, what’s this one?

Oh, that’s an enlarged
prostate, Billy.

(Laughter)

We’ll talk about
that some other time.

Okay.

Say, why aren’t you playing
ball with your friends today?

Well, I got a lot on my mind.

My grades, the Middle East.

Why are we over
there, Officer Miller?

Well, it has something to
do with freedom, Billy.

What is freedom, anyway?

I think Kris Kristofferson
said it best:

(Laughter)

"Freedom’s just another
word for nothing left to do.

Nothing ain’t worth
nothing, but it’s free."

Let me see if I can
put it another way.

There’s an old Persian
proverb that says,

"Every man is free to jump
as high as his own penis."

(Laughter)

What does that mean?

How old are you, Billy?

14.

Ah, 14.

I guess, there’s a lot
I don’t understand.

Well, part of the confusion
comes from the fact that
you’re at the age

we call puberty.

Right now, your body is
producing enough testosterone

to kill a man in his fifties.

(Laughter)

Um, sometimes when I see a woman
just walking across the street,

I look at her body, and I just
want to jumpon her

and climball over her,
undress herwith my teeth.

(Laughter and applause)

O-kay, okay.

I just wish there were some
way to tell if women

are attracted to me.

Well, Billy, humans are
unlucky in that department.

You see, in the rest
of the animal kingdom,

the female gives off very clear
signals that she’s an estress

and eager to rut with
any available male.

It might be a scent, or
a particular call,

or, in the case of
the chukma baboon,

the female genitalia
becomes flared and swollen!

It looks like a big,
red catcher’s mitt.

(Laughter)

Unfortunately, humans
have to wear clothes.

So, any display of swelling
or discoloration is hidden.

(Laughter)

Oh, I see.

So, the human female has
to be a little more subtle.

She might show her approval
with a smile, or a gesture,

or the way she moves
her hips when she walks.

Turning a means of locomotion
into the act of trolling

for our attention.

Do you know what a
"tease" is, Billy?

I think... Sherry O’Donnell?

Exactly, and there are
millions just like her.

You know, society is funny.

A man’s not supposed to
notice or say anything,

he’s just supposed to stand
there with a big smile

on his face.

Stand there, in his thick,
scratchy, blue uniform.

Maybe he forgot to wear
his t-shirt that day,

and his nipples are on fire!

Because they’ve been rubbed
raw against the stiff wool---

Well, I got to go play
ball, Officer Miller.

Hey, hey! Not so
fast, Billy!

Let me ask you - what kind
of gal are you looking for?

Oh, somebody nice,
somebody kind,

somebody who will love
me for myself.

(Laughs)

Oh, Billy.

Do you remember the song, "I
Want A Girl Just Like The Girl

Who Married Dear Old Dad"?

No.

Well, it’s an old song.

What do you look for
in a woman?

Well, my mother abandoned me
when I was three years old,

so, I look for women who will
love me for a little while,

and then go away.

(Laughter and applause)

You know, Billy, I feel the
best kind of woman

is the one who’s guaranteed to
someday not be there.

(Laughter)

Okay.

Now you can run along
and play ball now.

Thanks, Officer Miller.

Say, would you throw
these away for me?

You’re a good kid, Billy.
So long!

(Laughter)

(Music)

* "Hey! Officer Miller!" *

(Cheers and applause)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking)
And nowWeekend Update

with Anchorperson
Dennis Miller!

(Cheers and applause)

God, I love Bowie,

(Laughter and applause)

You what’s the best
thing about that song is,

he wrote it 10 years
ago but it’s timeless.

I bet you it could still
be a big hit today.

(Laughter)

Fighting finally broke out in
the Middle East today

when Tom Brokaw and Ted Koppel
began beating up on Dan Rather.

(Laughter)

The big story this week, talks
between Secretary of State,

James baker and Iraqi foreign
Minister Aziz

broke down Wednesday in Geneva.

Aziz refused to deliver a letter
from President Bush

to President Saddam Hussein
saying the letter was, "Rude."

While we at Weekend Update
have gotten hold

of the President’s letter and
we’ll let you decide

for yourself where it is
indeed rude.

Dear Sad.

(Laughter)

I would be more than happy to
deal with you face to face

if I could stand the smell.

(Laughter)

Barbara and I have run across
some freaks and low life

in our day, but you
take the prize.

Today I looked in my toilet
and you came to mind.

(Laughter)

So get your fat ass out of
Kuwait, before I take

an 11 - inch rod and personally
etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

(Laughter and applause)

At the talks, Tariq Aziz claimed
Hussein invaded Kuwait solely

to help the Palestinian people.

Baker says
he understands completely,

especially since our troops
are just trying to help out

the people of Greenland.

(Laughter)

Iraqi foreign minister Aziz
was quoted last week in Geneva

saying, "I swear these are not
Groucho glasses,

this is my real face."

(Laughter and applause)

How can we be that afraid
of a man who sits like this?

(Laughter)

And here’s a program note,
remember to tune in

Tuesday night at 11:30 Eastern
time for a one hour special,

Dick Clark’s Rocking
Invasion Eve.

(Laughter)

War jitters mounted
this week in Jordan.

When asked how those war jitters
were manifesting themselves,

Jordan said "I can’t
hit a jumper anymore."

(Laughter)

Here are the joints chief of
staff chairman,

General Colin Powell and his
immediate unwilling semi colonel
Schwarzkopf

trying to cover their
embarrassment in showing up

in the same costume.

(Laughter)

Vice President Quayle said last
week he’ll quit golfing

in an all white club, but will
maintain membership

in an all male club and an all
idiot club

outside of Bethesda, Maryland.

(Laughter)

On his New Year’s
visit to the gulf,

Quayle began to play volleyball
with the troops but the game

ground to a halt when the Vice
President was unable to rotate.

(Laughter)

President Bush this week held
a press conference

and called for a cutback in
podium expenditures

in the new federal budget.

(Laughter and applause)

In the background are his
trusted advisers and

as you can see, they’re
all hands on guys.

(Laughter)

When asked what he thought of
his Men of the Year Time cover,

President Bush said, "I like
it, but I didn’t like it."

And now here with
the big picture

is A. Whitney Brown.
Welcome Whitney.

Thank you Dennis,
nice to be here.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Well my friends there are
exactly three shopping days left

for Saddam Hussein.

You know but it’s getting really
hard to cash a check in Iraq

right now.

Anyway the real battle just
ended a few hours in congress.

You see according to the
constitution only congress

has the power to declare
war not the president.

Now the constitution
says a lot of thing;

for example only congress
has the power to raise taxes,

yet that doesn’t keep the
president from promising

not to do it.

The founding fathers, you see
were afraid that if they let

the president declare war, then
every time the guy ran

into a domestic problem with a
no win solution, he will start

looking around for a worthy
foreign dictator

with a shady moustache and
a bad attitude

to take the heat off of him.

But somewhere along the line
some president convince congress

that no Chief executive
would ever sink that low;

I think it was Nixon.

(Laughter)

So, anyway the president got
the key to the gun cabinet now

congress wants it back.

The President says congress
waited too long, it’s too late,

they’re indecisive.

Congress on the other hand says
that until last Tuesday they

were busy debating how they were
gonna spend the peace dividend.

So the upshot is the president
will have the right to go to war

and congress will have the right
to criticize him

if it goes badly.

As far as the public is
concern they’re ready to fight.

50% of Americans think we should
attack at 12:01 AM January 16th.

I read that in USA Today.

Well, I didn’t actually read it,
but there was a stick figure

with a rifle fighting another
stick figure with a tank

and a pie with red white and
blue colored pieces cut up.

So Americans are very well
informed about the situation.

(Laughter)

And it’s nice to know we
won’t be fighting alone.

We’ll have 4,000 French troops
behind us, which is where

they’ll be, but nevertheless,
they’re gonna fight.

They’re still trying to live
down losing that war

with Green Peace, but they’ll be
behind.

Now we’ve also got 60,000
Egyptian troops and I don’t want

to be picky about this but when
was the last time

Egypt won a war?

(Laughter)

Now, I know they fought the
Nubians to a draw in 2300 BC,

but I mean,
since gunpowder?

You know we also have several
thousand troops from Bangladesh.

And they’re not very well
equipped but at least

they don’t complain about
the field rations.

The thing is though we even have
aligned ourselves with Syria,

yes, our good friend and
loyal ally Hafad Azad.

Apparently Idi Amin
wasn’t available, he’s uh,

locked up in a hotel in Cairo,
trying to get down

to his fighting weight.

Anyways the aptly named
deadline approaches,

I can only say to all
combat and civilians,

please, try to find
a place to hide.

And that my friends
is the Big Picture.

Thank you, Whitney.

Thank you, Dennis.

(Cheers and applause)

And hard times for the Soviet
economy means slip pickings

in Russian stores.

Here shoppers line up outside
of Moscow establishment

to fight for just two melons
and an old woman.

Squeezing the overripe
head of the old woman,

one shopper called it
"The worse season ever."

That’s newly elected
Massachusetts Governor

William Weld being congratulated
by former governor Michael
Dukakis

who stepped down this week and
he didn’t have far to step.

State representative, David Duke
has announced plans

to run for governor of
Louisiana.

Duke threw his hood into the
ring, at a special luncheon

last week in Kenner, Louisiana.

Tuesday night, three new members
were elected

to baseball’s hall of fame in
Cooperstown, New York.

Those to be honored with bronze
plaques are 7 time

American league batting champ
Rod Carew,

two - time Cy Young Award
winning pitcher Gaylord Perry,

and six season, 20 game winner,
Ferguson Jenkins.

One of next year’s possible
nominees Red’s manager Pete Rose

is currently in the half way
hall of fame

in Cincinnati, Ohio.

And---

(Cheers and applause)

the national coalition
on television violence

is protesting President
Bush’s appointment

of Arnold Schwarzenegger as the
chairman on physical fitness.

They claim Arnold movies teach
more violence

than anything else.

The actor cited dozens of body
building titles in his defense,

and several health
books he’s written.

But the coalition still refused
to listen so Arnold killed them.

(Laughter)

After a two - month layoff
tennis star Boris Becker’s

new diet has really paid off.

(Laughter)

And in Washington, D.C.
yesterday a reproductive

rights group staged a protest
outside of free clinic,

where many have gathered to
have their tubas tied.

(Laughter)

It’s your choice
to laugh at that.

You know, according to the
census bureau this week due
to the ever

increasing population explosion
everyone will now be famous

for 14 minutes.

And the New Year’s a decline in
the popularity of cartoon star

Bart Simpson who probably made
a fatal image error

when he decided to get help
for his hypertension.

(Laughter)

A footnote on our top story.

Immediately after Wednesday’s
Geneva meeting failed

to achieve results, Secretary of
State Baker using his fingers,

began a clear countdown to war.

Five, four, three,
two, one, zero.

We can all only hope that this
countdown stops at two

and we have peace for all.

Guess what’s folks,
that’s the news---

(Cheers and applause)

This is a very sad occasion.

We are here to remember a man
who has meant so much

to all of us.

We have lost a wonderful man,
the greatest cutman

in boxing history.

The man who closed so many
wounds and stopped so much

bleeding and swelling between
rounds so that boxers

of every race and creed
could continue

their business in the ring.

I’m talking of course, about
Eddie "The Clot" O’ Hanlon.

(Crowd laughter and applause)

Eddie was the best.

He followed in the great
tradition of men like

Stitchy McWewing, Tissues
Terillo, and going way back,

Knife and Putty Cavanaugh.

I know, when I was a fighter
he came through for me.

He was so wonderful, I remember
this on gash that started up

here, on my forehead.

It crossed through my eye
and finished on my nose.

It kind of had
the Florida shape.

And that the blood was mixing
with my sweat running

into my mouth.

When I got back into my corner,
I thought this is one gash,

that is too big too close.

Then, Eddie comes over
takes out my mouthpiece,

(Crying)
presses on the gash.

Oh you give me a minute here.

(Crowd laughter)

He pulls out some Vaseline.

Jams his q - tip into the gash,
gets it in there real deep

and seals the clot.

That was Eddie.

Now, I want to introduce one of
the great trainers a man

who had Eddie " the Clot" in
his
corner many times,

Victor Parpalano.

(Applause)

I’m just gonna tell one story.

A story that cheek
and the earlobe.

Many of you have heard it, but
I think it’s worth repeating.

It sums up Eddie quite well.

We were in the ring in Miami
and Eddie has left

his bag of stuff at the hotel.

He quickly desperately grabbed
whatever he could find

in the arena.

Well, sure enough in the first
round our fighter

Loopy Sanchez gets cut twice.

The left ear was torn, the
earlobe dangling from the head.

And on the other side of the
face a sliced open cheek

with the exposed bone.

And all Eddie had to
work with was a bucket,

a pair of scissors, a wet
rag, and some caramel candy.

(Laughter and applause)

And 45 seconds in which
to work his magic.

Well Eddie went to work.

He took the dead part of the
earlobe and snipped it off

wedging it into the cheek cut
and stopping the bleeding.

Then, finally, sealing both
wounds with the caramel candy.

Naturally, I was concerned.

Eddie, I asked, are you
sure this is legal?

He turned to me and he said,
"I don’t care right now

this Mexican kid
wants to fight."

Well that kid’s here
today, Loopy Sanchez.

(Applause)

Thank you Victor, thank you.

I know it’s never easy to
get through that story.

Now, let’s hear from one of
Eddie the Clot’s disciples.

A fine cut man in his own right,
Casey The Coagulator McLeary.

(Mourners applause)

You know a lot’s been said
here today about Eddie.

We heard about the cuts he’s
closed and the bleeding

that he stopped.

But, I think a lot of people
don’t realize

how great Eddie was at draining
fluids.

(Laughter)

There was this one time when
Toney Gugliano

took a thumb to the eye right?

It got swollen like a grapefruit
and now what Eddie had to do,

was reach all the way up into
the socket and pull the tissue
back.

Now that’s a hard move ’cause
you’ve got

the brain right here right?

And he would this
ain’t doing justice.

Eddie if you can hear up there

you know the cut
I’m talking about, right Eddie?

Thanks, Casey.

That’s a side of
Eddie I did not know.

And now, some of the true
legends of boxing

would like to pay
their respects.

First the great welterweight
who fought a record

260 professional
bouts Dancing, Joe Katon.

(Applause)

It was Eddie, It was Eddie
the Clot---

I’m tired I want some eggs.

Eddie says and he said never
forget and I’ll never forget

and Eddie said - he said
give me some eggs.

Eddie said...

(gibberish)

It was...

I’ll never forgets it,
I’ll never forgets it.

Thanks, Dancing Joe.

(Mourners’ applause)

Now, there’s a man who
could really take a punch.

And now one of the bright stars
of the modern boxing world,

Hector Macho Man Camacho.

(Mourners’ applause)

Don’t forget about
the Macho Man.

(Laughter)

March 14, I am going
to beat Tony Tucker.

Thank you, Hector.

Don’t you forget
about the Macho Man.

They know.

We are honored to hear from
someone very special

Mrs. Eddie the ClotO’ Hanlon.

(Mourners’ applause)

(Laughter)

Eddie was so
considerate you know?

I remember one night we had
tickets to South Pacific

and Eddie hadn’t had a day off
in about 200 nights

and I guess I must have been on
cloud 9 or something.

But anyway, I tripped in the
shower and I cut my head

and the blood was coming out
real fast and I told him I said,

"Eddie, let’s get to a
hospital!"

He said, "Baby, you’re
gonna see that show!"

10 minutes later I was
looking at Mary Martin.

That’s a a strong
beautiful woman.

And now Dancing Joe will lead
us in a final prayer

for Eddie the Clot.

Dancing Joe.

Our father who art in heaven.

(All mourners)
Our father who art in heaven.

How’d be thy--
(gibberish)

(All mourners)
How’d be thy--
(gibberish)

(Speaking in tongues)

I want some sausage.

(All mourners
speaking in tongues)

(Speaking in tongues)

(Cheers and applauses)

So let me close by saying that
your attention in this matter

would be uh, good.

Alright, read it back.

Okay, Dear sir.

The part shipment we received on
December 4th was unsatisfactory.

Okay, now this part is all new.

The replacement parts in the
aforementioned shipment

received Tuesday last, were
proven to be inferior,

when put to use.

No, no, when put into normal use
as they were in no way

applied to any incorrect usage.

Read that part back.

Dear sir, the shipment we
received on December 4th

was unsatisfactory.

The replacement parts in
aforementioned shipment was---

No, no, no, no back up.

Received on December 4th, which
was unsatisfactory---

okay, start again.

The replacement parts
received from the shipment

mentioned above, were met
with disappointment

upon their application
to service.

No, no, served us in a greatly
disappointing manner,

which we did not like.

Have I said we didn’t
like it, anywhere?

Well, you said this shipment
was unsatisfactory.

Well, is that the same thing?

I thought so, yes.

No, no, no. leave it in,
leave it in.

So now where are we?

Okay they served us in a greatly
disappointing manner

that we did not like.

Okay, one more change.

Served us in a disappointing
manner, that greatly displeased

all involved as the parts refer
to early either repeatedly

found themselves in a
broken capacity

upon their being exposed
to even slight wearage.

Okay, let’s start over,
what’s at the top again?

The shipment we received
on December the 4th---

was unsatisfactory and we feel
oblige to point out

the source of our displeasure

with your here to for
find product.

No, don’t write that yet.

It would behoove us both
to understand the causes

of our chagrin.

Oh, I know what’s wrong.

Mr. Lucans, Mr. Lucans, why
don’t you say that the shipment

was unsatisfactory and you like
a replacement

as soon as possible?

It seems like it would be a
lot more efficient a lot more---

What was the last word I said?

Chagrin.

Okay, Dear sir, it is with
great chagrinthat I express

my dissatisfaction with the
shipment received from you by us

on the Tuesday prior
to this letter.

The replacement parts on this
shipment previously referred to,

served us in what proved to
be a failing capacity,

that was unacceptable.

A prompt reply to the situation
would seem befitting

for all parties involved, with
warmest personal regards,

Don
Lucans.

(Music)

Well we got a reply
to your letter.

Oh what does it say?

Now, Dr. Mr. Lucans,
upon receiving your letter

on the 12th regarding
the shipment received by you

on the 4th we feel oblige to say
that your prompt attention

is very greatly
appreciated in reference

to the defective merchandise
mentioned in your letter,

regarding our shipment
mentioned above.

We find ourselves to be
especially cognizant

of the issues
raised in your letter

relative to the refunding
of your money.

Alright!

(Cheers and applause)

(Piano playing)

It’s been a great week.

On behalf of the cast and crew
and Vanilla Ice and everybody,

so long.

Bye bye.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)