All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S16E09.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

[Announcer:]
And now a message

from the president
of the United States.

[audience cheering]

Good evening.

Happy holidays to you all.

Once again
it’s that festive season.

Tonight our Jewish friends
observe the fifth night of
Hanukkah.

[audience laughing]

The celebration of a military
victory won centuries ago

in a part
of the world where today

400,000 brave Americans await
my order to annihilate Iraq.

[audience laughing]

None of us want war in that
whole area out over there,

but as commander-in-chief I am
ever cognizant of my authority

to launch a full-scale orgy of
death there in the desert sands.

[audience laughing]

Probably won’t, but
then again, I might.

[audience laughing]

And if we do go to war, I can
assure you it will not be

another Vietnam, because we have
learned well the simple lesson

of Vietnam: stay out of Vietnam.

[audience laughing]

That’s right.

[audience applauding]

Those guys, they’ll beat you.

They’ll beat you bad,
bad, they’re bad, bad.

[audience laughing]

But this time it’s different
over there because the world is
behind us.

You know, critics say why is
the U.S. doing all the work
over there?

Not true.

Not true at all.

78 countries are contributing
to Operation Desert Shield.

Not all, that’s right, not
all are sending troops, sure,

but giving what they are able.
Doing that giving thing they do.

From Belgium,
nylon helmet covers.

[audience laughing]

From New Zealand, socks.

[audience laughing]

Socks ranging from sizes
6 through 12.

Now six is small.

Twelve, that’s kinda big.
Me, I’m a ten and a half.

Could wear a ten down here,
it wouldn’t be prudent.

[audience laughing]

From the Congo, we got
Ray-Ban sunglasses, two pair.

[audience laughing]

From Yugoslavia,
men’s swimming trunks.

From Mexico down there, salsa.

[audience laughing]

Chunky style.

[audience laughing]

Makes you hungry.

And the list goes on.

So you see, world behind
us, not like Vietnam.

And this time, our strike
will be swift and deadly.

Dangerous.

I know you’re watching,
Mr. Saddam Hussein.

The time is running out on you.

The deadline, the
morning of January 15th,

one month from today.

When that morning dawns, you
won’t be hearing chirping birds.

You’ll be hearing
something a little different,

something more like this...

[whistling sound].

[audience laughing]

Then nothing.

Then you wait... Then KABOOM!

[makes a sound of explosion]

[audience laughing]

Then once again...

[whistling sound]

...nothing, you’re lucky,
it’s a dud.

[audience laughing]

Then... [whistling sound]

KABOOM! Short fuse.

[audience laughing]

And finally the last thing
you’ll hear as you pass into
oblivion...

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

[audience cheering]

[music]

[Announcer:]
It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Dennis Miller,

Mike Myers,

and Kevin Nealon.

With Chris Farley,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney,

and featuring Rob Schneider,

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live Band.

Musical guest,
the Neville Brothers.

And starring Dennis Quaid.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Dennis Quaid!

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you very much!
Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

It’s great to be in New York to
be hosting Saturday Night Live.

I gotta tell you
I’m a little nervous.

Right now I...I mean,
I hope it doesn’t show.

I usually hide it with
this confident smile.

[audience laughing]

It’s a reflex action that takes
over in any kind of stressful
situation.

My eyes just sort of squint,
my mouth just kind of goes back
and...

[audience laughing]

You know, sometimes I smile
at the worst possible times.

I mean, I know it cost me movie
parts like when I auditioned

for The Last Temptation
of Christ.

"I built my temple
as a house of prayer,

you have made it
into a den of fears."

[audience laughing]

Because of my grin people
assume that, you know,

I’m completely at ease
in any situation,

but I gotta tell you I know
what’s in tonight’s show,

and frankly you are
in deep trouble.

Anyway, I’m smiling for
real now because my friends,

The Neville Brothers,
are here tonight.

And we’ll be right back!

[audience cheering]

[Narrator:]
It’s that time of year,
when families gather together

to reopen old feelings,
and Silver Bell Records is
proud to present

a Dysfunctional Family
Christmas.

This is the album your family
is sure to cherish
for Christmases to come.

* Christmastime,
you force a smile. *

* Everyone is joining
in the group denial. *

* Folks behaving infantile. *

* Family Christmas time. *

[Narrator:]
Hit after dysfunctional hit.

Songs like
"The Almost Perfect Christmas."

* Dinner is perfect,
the presents are perfect, *

* the tree and
the parlors are perfect fun. *

* Then your brother
yells at your mother, *

* Christmas is ruined
for everyone. *

[Narrator:]
Get timeless hits like "Someday
I’ll Get Christmas Right",

"I’ve Got My Drinking Under
Control For The Holidays",

"Peace On Earth? Where?",
and "The Daughter Song."

* Presents and wrapping paper, *

* ribbons and bows
and all that stuff. *

Why do we even bother?

* Nothing we get you
is good enough! *

[Narrator:]
And this country
Christmas classic.

* Every Christmas
when you got drunk, *

* I told the children
you were not drunk. *

* And I said, Tommy,
you’re not being bad, *

* it’s just Christmas
makes your Mommy mad. *

[Narrator:]
You’ll get "Cant’ You Let
It Drop, It’s Christmas",

"What I Want You Can’t Buy Me",
"Fruitcake And Shame",

and "Why Am I The Only One
Who Knows What Christmas Really
Means?"

And many more.

* Underneath the mistletoe
is a 2x2 jingle bell world. *

* And underneath all those extra
pounds is a very pretty girl. *

* Daddy’s nose is red
and runny, *

* daddy’s voice is rough
and funny. *

* And the only words
I can understand *

* are "God" and "Damn"
and "Christmas." *

[Narrator:]
Just imagine:
24 timeless standards,

including the classic
"Carol of Intimacy".

* Leave me alone!
Please go away! *

* I’m doing fine!
Just get away! *

* Leave me alone!
Please go away! *

* I’m doing fine!
Just get away! *

* Leave me alone!
Please go away! *

* I’m doing fine!
Just get away... *

[Narrator:]
To order, call
1-800-GET-HELP today.

Operators are standing by.

[audience applauding]

[music]

[audience applauding]

[audience cheering]

They are the men
you love to look at,

whether they are on television
or they live next door,

and they are victims
of a serious sleep disorder

that continues to have
the experts puzzled.

Our subject today, get ready,
ladies, narcoleptic hunks!

[audience cheering]

Okay.

Let’s...let’s settle
down here for a minute.

We’ve got a lot of
ground to cover.

Now we all know what a hunk is
or at least we all have our own

definition of such, but do
we know what narcolepsy is?

Well, for your information
narcolepsy is a syndrome

in which one is subject to
recurrent brief attacks

of involuntary sleep and I don’t
think we could have found

three more eligible,
desirable narcoleptics

than the ones

that we have right here in
our studio audience.

[audience cheering]

Alright, okay.

Yeah.

Let’s start with the hunk most
of you I’m sure recognize.

He is best known as snapper
from the day time soap,
"The Bold and the Eager."

[audience laughing]

Here is Patrick Collie.

[audience cheering]

Now...

Patrick has this,
this narcolepsy, has it...

Has it affected your
work in any way?

Sally, it doesn’t... affect my
work anymore than it affects my
love life.

Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Well, then let’s go
one step further.

Let’s say you are doing a love
scene on the show and I guess

snapper does maybe
25 or 30 every week.

Alright.

But let’s say that you fall
asleep during the scene.

How does that affect...

I’m going to be
gentle about this.

How does this affect
the chemistry between you

and the actress with whom
you are performing?

Well, Sally, if there’s one
thing all my leading ladies

have in common is...

[audience laughing]

They’re all professionals
and uh they’re all very sexy.

Well, oh boy.

Oh boy.

Well, I don’t know
about you ladies,

but I think he’s even
cuter with his eyes closed.

[cheers]

Okay, let’s meet our next hunk.

He is a narcoleptic
investment banker, ladies!

[audience cheering]

So please welcome
Joight Malloray.

[audience cheering]

Joight, my question
to you is this,

why are you still not married?

How could this be?

Well, Sally, I’m just not
ready to be tied down.

I’ve always been kind
of a free-spirit.

I like to travel uh...

[audience laughing]

What an angel.

Isn’t it great?

Okay. Our next hunk is a waiter

and he lives in Santa Monica.

Ladies, feast your eyes
on narcoleptic Tony Kellogg.

[audience cheering]

Tony, when did you uh first
learned that you had narcolepsy?

That’s an interesting story.

It happened when I was
making love to a woman.

[cheers]

I was 15 years old, she was
of course a much older woman.

Women just go for me.

They like my looks, they
like the whole sleep thing.

And being a waiter, I meet
a lot of hungry women.

[laughter]

Okay.

Tony, you are...

[audience laughing]

You are very articulate.

And yet I understand you
did not finish school.
Is that right?

Well, I enjoyed classes, Sally.

I did not test well.

You’re gonna have to give
me a minute on this one.

[audience laughing]

Whoo! Okay, I’m better.
Let’s take some questions, huh?

Let’s go out in the audience.
Anybody? Yeah, right here.

Um, Patrick,
um I’d like to ask you

is narcolepsy
a neurological disorder,

and do you
have a girlfriend?

Well, yes and no.

[cheers]

Oh, what am I hearing
out here, huh?

Okay. Anybody? You. Yes?

I just wanna say that I think
the sleeping Patrick

is just as sexy
as the awake Patrick.

Wow, there you are.

There you are. Who’s next?
Yeah, step here.

Um this is for Patrick.

Um how come they haven’t written
your character as a narcoleptic

and are you mad that they don’t?

[audience laughing]

He’s asleep. Look at that.
Isn’t that cute?

- I’ll wait.
- Oh! Okay. Come on.

Who’s next? Who’s next?

Let’s get a male perspective.
Come on up here. Talk to me.

Yeah, I happen to be
a narcoleptic, too,

and I think you’re trivializing
a very serious disease.

These men...no, hear me out!

Wait a minute,
now wait a minute! Hear me...

[audience laughing]

Well, does uh anybody
have a response to that?

If I look like that
I’d be bitter, too.

Anyone else? Anybody else?

[murmuring]

Oh, where am I?

Hello, Joight,
you’re on my show.

Gah!

[audience laughing]

Okay. I gotta admit this is
getting a little tiresome,

but before we go, ladies, we
have got a special surprise.

Yes, brace yourselves,

here comes the narcoleptic
exotic male dancer, Russ!

[cheers and music]

We’ll be right back!

[audience cheering]

Well, sir, what did you think
about our flight exercise?

Excellent, lieutenant.

We’ve got quite
a crop of young pilots.

Well, sir, I’m glad
that... Look out, sir!

We could’ve been killed
by that crazy stunt!

Who in Sam Hill
is flying that plane?

It’s Mustang Calhoun, sir.

He’s one of our best pilots,
but he’s a little reckless,

likes to take chances.

Yeehaw!

Yep, yep, yep, yow! Yeehaw!

What in blue blazes
is that maniac doing?

He’s flying upside down, sir.

Yeehaw!

Yee hoo hoo!

Flying upside down,
that crazy renegade.

He knows that’s
against regulations!

- Get him to stop now!
- There’s no stopping him, sir.

Mustang Calhoun
does things his way.

Look, he’s putting the
plane into a barrel roll.

Yeehaw!

Yeehaw! Yahoo!

Woo hoo hoo!

Does he know that jet
can’t handle that stress?

It’s suicide!

Tell him to land before
he gets himself killed.

Yeehaw!

Woo ha ha ha!

It’s no use, sir,
he won’t respond.

Why that cocky SOB!

I’ll see to it he never...
jumping jahozafat.

What the hell kind of
stunt is he doing now?

Sir, he’s investing in green
shares on the commodities
market!

Yeehaw!

Yippee yahoo!

Yahoo!

Investing at the start
of the recession?

That damn fool, he’ll
lose everything he’s got!

I know, sir.

- Oh, no.
- What’s he doing?

Sir, I’m afraid he’s putting
tin foil on a microwave oven.

He’s lost his mind!

Yeehaw!

Yeah!

It’ll explode! Read the manual,
you hopped up jackass!

I’m afraid that’s the least
of our problems now, sir.

Why, what’s he up to?

He’s letting his
girlfriend cut his hair!

My God!

Yeehaw!

Yippee yahoo!

Yahoo!

That maniac’s
begging for trouble!

She’ll give him a bad haircut
but he won’t be able to tell her
because it’ll hurt her feelings.

Yeah, give me that microphone,
I’ll get him down.

Alright, sir, but
you better hurry.

He just bought a golden
retriever puppy and he lives
in a small apartment.

What?

Yeehaw!

Yippee yahoo! Yahoo!

You listen to me,
you whacked out lunatic!

That dog is gonna get big
and it’s gonna need room
to run around and play,

room you don’t have!

Oh, my God!

Out with it, lieutenant.

Sir, he’s joining the Columbia
Records and Tape Club!

No, for the love of
God, it’s a scam!

Yeehaw!

Yippee yahoo! Yahoo!

Yeehaw!

Look out, he’s headed this way!

That was close!

- Where did he go?
- I don’t know, sir.

His plane disappeared
over the horizon.

That reckless hotshot.

He better not have crashed.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hmm.

I see.

General, I’m getting a report
from our radar station.

Right.

It seems Calhoun has
landed safely in Waco, Texas

and he’s having
lunch in the town diner.

Thank God he’s safe.

Hold it, general.
I’m afraid that’s not all.

- Apparently he’s ordered sushi!
- No!

Yahoo!

Yippee yahoo!

Yeehaw!

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:]
And now weekend update with
anchorperson Dennis Miller.

[audience cheering]

Thank you. Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

Last week Saddam Hussein
released all the hostages.

President Bush said he still
plan to use military force

if need be against Iraq
unless they left Kuwait.

This week Hussein
said, "Okay, okay.

I’ll be out of
Kuwait in a week."

Bush said, "Too late.
We’re gonna attack you anyway.

You have embarrassed me
in front of my woman."

[audience cheering]

Upon being reached for
a comment, Barbara Bush said,

"George still turns me on when
he talks nasty like that."

[audience applauding]

President Bush complained
this week that Saddam Hussein,

who claims he’s too busy to meet
with Secretary of State
James Baker,

is not too busy to see
Kurt Waldheim, Muhammad Ali,

Peter Jennings and many others.

Saddam Hussein was unavailable
for comment as he was busy

kicking off his "Meet Hussein
Tour" of American K-Mart stores.

[audience laughing]

France announced this
week it will send 4000 more men

to reinforce the 6000 strong
force already in Saudi Arabia.

The unit will be comprised
of an advance force

of 4000 highly trained
pain-in-the-ass waiters.

[audience laughing]

Secretary of State James Baker
met with Soviet Foreign Minister
Eduard Shevardnadze

in a new effort to demonstrate
the lighter,

more convivial attitude
between the two countries.

Shevardnadze and Baker then went
to a local Laundromat

and got into a dryer where
they revolved for 20 minutes.

Then Shevardnadze visited
President Bush and Bush pointed
out to him the fireplace

where he burned all
the memoranda

that implicated him in
the Iran counter scandal.

[audience cheering]

With the threat of having
their federal funding cut off,

NASA has launched an in-depth
investigation into the billion
dollar Hubble space telescope.

In conjunction NASA’s federally
funded scientists called an
emergency meeting

and decided they had actually
been wrong all along.

Space, they have now concluded,
is just really, really fuzzy.

[audience laughing]

And NASA is now considering new
cut backs in the space program
budget.

One of the proposed cut backs is
to send government officials

who are already on the
government payroll

on a 25 year mission to scalp
the surface of the planet Pluto.

Plans were then announced
to appropriate $5 million

to make sure that Vice President
Quayle drew the short straw.

[audience laughing]

Vice President Quayle will
receive a $46,000 raise
next year

pushing his annual allowance
to $160,000.00.

When told of the new hike in his
allowance Quayle said,

"Boy, that’s a lot of money.
Is that this many?"

[audience applauding]

And this week former drug czar
William Bennett turned down

the $120,000.00 a year job of
chairman of the Republican
National Committee

saying he wants to make some
"real money".

Today Bennett accepted
the chairmanship

of the Lyndon-LaRouche party
which offered him
$350,000.00 a year

and the use of a big Buick.

Oh, no.

It’s annoying man.

Merry Christmas.

[audience cheering]

Hello.

Merry Christmas, Dennis.
I baked you a coffee cake.

Well, thank you, annoying man.
How’d you make that?

Well, first you put an egg into
a pan and then you stir it.

Oh, God.

Stop that.

And then you get some wax
from Dennis Miller’s ear...

Hey, get out of here!

You know, annoying man, you’ve
been coming here for two years,

you scraped the fork
on the frying pan,

you scraped the fork
on the plate, you pick zits,

you picket my ear wax, and
the most annoying thing of all,

you and Lovitz quit the show
and then you’re back
every damn week.

Stop it! Stop it!

You don’t have to yell.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

How do you...how do you
change your voice like that?

- Acting!
- Get out of here!

- Goodbye, everybody! Goodbye!
- Annoying man!

[audience cheering]

A new terrorist organization is
marching in the streets

in the United States of America
but having little or no effect.

The group called "The Too Much
Skinheads"

are just too damn
cute to be taken seriously.

This week indicted savings and
loan executive Charles Keating

got quite a surprise
from the five lawmakers

accused of accepting
campaign funds from him.

The group known as the Keating
Five all pleaded guilty
simultaneously.

Spokesman for the group
said, "Why fight it?

We got caught with
our pants down."

In an ironic twist this week, as
part of their divorce settlement

Ivana Trump received half
of Marla Maple’s wardrobe.

And now here with a commentary
is a grumpy old man.

Welcome, grumpy!

[makes noise]

I don’t like this desk
and I don’t like this chair,

and I don’t like holidays.

[speaks gibberish]

Christmas shopping.

In my day we didn’t have
shopping malls

with hundreds of stores
with gifts people really want.

We had one store
and it had no gifts!

[audience laughing]

We had to sneak in to a person’s
closet, steal his jacket,

wrap it up and give it to him.

"Whoopee!
You gave me my own coat!

Surprise, surprise!"

That’s the way it
was and we liked it.

[audience laughing]

In my day we didn’t go out
caroling, singing pretty songs.

We don’t know any songs.

We just go out and yell
at the top of our lungs,

[makes noise]

It’s Christmas!

[makes noise]

We didn’t need jingle bells,
we had... [makes noise]

We’d scream all night until our
vocal chords were raw and bloody

and then you think, "Oh no
my vocal chords are severed.

Maybe I shouldn’t have
screamed all night."

But it was too late, you
were a mute and you loved it!

[makes noise]

And we didn’t have
safety approved toys.

Who wants them? I hate them.

In my day a child would open up
a gift and within seconds

he’d either burst into flames
or lose a limb.

[audience laughing]

Oh, you better believe it.
That was a day to remember.

"Look at Timmy rolling
on the carpet trying to put out
his fiery hand!

Hallelujah my son
exploded and I love it!"

Memories! Sweet, sweet memories!

Oh, I long for the days when
people gave each other
what they already had,

children’s head exploded
and mutes went around caroling

and coughing up blood
and that was the way it was
and we loved it!

Thank you, grumpy!

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, grumpy.

A big week for theatre goers
in New York as Topol

returned to Broadway with
Lee Nolin in Havana Nagila.

[audience laughing]

ZZ Top’s got a new video on MTV
this week and tonight, lastly,

we wanna bid a fun adieu
to William Clockworthy,

the gentleman who has been our
network censor

for the past 12 years.

He’s leaving, this is his last
show and he is a good guy.

So, so long Bill.

We’re gonna miss you, you
loveable old jack off.

[audience cheering]

* Well, the USA will take it,
that dirt bag’s got no class. *

* You could tell Saddam Hussein
for me, he can kiss my ass. *

[Narrator:]
Finally on an album
allthe specialty songs

of America’s proudest country
singer, Cal McLane Jr!

* Well, USA ain’t
backing down. *

* We don’t take orders
from old nuts. *

* Hey there, General Noriega *

* you can cram it up
your butt. *

* Yeah, well the USA has arrived
to make you toe the line. *

* They all you Granada people, *

* you can sink it where the sun
don’t shine. Yeah! *

[Narrator:]
Cal McLane Jr sings what’s on
everybody’s mind

in a language that won’t leave
anyone guessing.

* Well, the USA’s in
Southeast Asia, *

* there are pimps
it’s getting whiny. *

* You can tell the guy
who runs North Vietnam *

* to stick it up his hiney. *

* Yes, you can! *

[Narrator:]
The number one country singer

from the number one country,
the USA.

And if you order right away

you’ll get an additional album
at no extra cost,

Cal McLane Jr’s
"Songs for My Ex-Wives".

* Dear Maureen,
I’m sorry my darling *

* although you don’t
seem to care. *

* But I still got my pride
and one thing to say, *

* you can stick it
up your dairy air. Yeah! *

[Narrator:]
Order now to receive
both albums at $14.95.

"Messages", the specialty songs

of Cal McLane Jr, Lynchburg,
Tennessee.

Yeah, I hope you love these
albums but if you don’t,

you know what you can do, yeah!

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:]
And now, Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:]
If you go parachuting, and
your parachute doesn’t open,

and your friends
are all watching you fall,

I think a funny gag would be
to pretend you were swimming.

[audience applauding]

Hello!

Hello, everyone.

My name is Todd Skylar.

Welcome to Talking Through
Touch, the art of massage.

First, let me tell you
a little bit about myself.

I’m a licenced masseur,
I’m from Telluride, Colorado,

but my energy
is in the Bay area.

I have backpacked across Europe
four times,

and I have a cat named Bosco.
Okay?

You know me. Why don’t you
tell me who you are,

why you’re interested
in massage?

Let’s start here.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

My name is Caroline Holter,
this is my husband Kenneth.

[audience laughing]

And we are both just auditing
this class and we will probably
end up not taking it at all.

Now darling you said
you’d give it a chance.

I know, I know I said that and
I will, sweetheart, I will.

We’re looking for new ways to
express our tenderness
to each other.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Next?

Name’s Ned Crawley, I
work for a limo service.

A lot of people say,
"You’re driving a limo.

That’s an easy job."

But what they don’t realize is
how numb your can get

sitting on it all day long.

Boy, do I need a rub down.

Well, Ned, we’ll be learning
some revitalizing techniques

using shiatsu pressure points.

Well, that’s great.

Like I said I’ve been sitting on
one gigantic pressure point
all day long.

Hi, everybody, my
name is Chuck Brennan.

This is my lovely wife, Barb.

We’re from Wheaton,
and we’re here to...

B asically to... meet
other couples and to... um...

What am I trying to say here?

To... uh... touch or what...
help me out here, honey.

To meet other couples
and to touch them.

Right, that about says it.
That’s about it.

Super.

Hello, everyone.
My name is Ernie Hitchins,

and I’m a widower.
As you might imagine

I’ve got a bit of free time
on my hands so I said to myself,

"Why don’t you pop around
to The New Horizons Learning
Annex

and see what they have
to offer to seniors?"

I must confess, this particular
course was not my first choice.

But as brewing beer in your own
home and Afro-Caribbean dance

were awful lot,
well, here I am.

And I’m game to learn
the art of massage.

Okay. Okay.

Now, the aim of massage is
to restore a person’s balance
of energies,

to bring him or her into harmony
with the universal pulse
of life.

And since it’s not cool
to do drugs or sell drugs,

massage is the answer.

Alright.

I want everyone to select
a partner,

perhaps your spouse.

Ned, I’ll be yours.

Now, the method I teach
is a combination

of Swedish massage, shiatsu,
and reflexology.

So designate a giver
and a receiver.

And I want the receivers to
lie stomach down on the table.

Let’s start with the Holters.

- Um... excuse me?
- Yes.

What I’m seeing here now

is that some of us are massaging
the same person we came with.

[audience laughing]

You know, wouldn’t it be
better if, you know,

wouldn’t it spice things up
if uh...

couples switched or...
you know...

swapped... or...
What am I trying to say here?

We’ll switch partners
later, Chuck.

- Excellent.
- Okay.

The gliding stroke.

Both hands start
at the shoulders,

move down to the small of
the back one fluid movement.

Kenneth, when you do
the gliding stroke,

you actually want to touch
Caroline’s body.

- No, I don’t.
- No, he doesn’t.

Well, you see when you
touch you’re communicating.

Your fingers are
actually talking.

Oh, my fingers are talking.

They’re saying, "Let’s be
careful not to piss her off."

[audience laughing]

And my back is saying,
"That’s just fine with me."

Well, massage is about
unblocking the flow of vital
energy.

I remember one spring when
I was growing up in Colorado.

There was this creek
outside of our house

and one day I built a damn
out of mud and birch wood twigs.

The creek backed up, it flowed
out onto our driveway.

[making noise]

Well, that’s what
I’m talking about.

Well, let me show
you what I mean.

Ned,
Ned come up here.

Now I’m sorry if my
hands are a little rough.

I’ve been making Adirondack
chairs all week long.

Okay.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

God almighty, help me!

Help me!

What? Why’d you stop?

It hurt but it was a good hurt.

Really good hurt.

I would like to point out that
Ned is allowing himself

to open up, releasing tension.

Am I going too fast? Questions?

I have a question.

I was wondering
about self massage.

[audience laughing]

Self massage is really
valuable to know.

It’s necessary at those times
when that...

...special someone isn’t around.

Well, what if that special
someone is in the room

and he is also practicing
self massage?

[audience laughing]

That’s great.

Well, what if you didn’t know

that he invited other people
over to watch?

Oh, like it was a big surprise.

Well, we’ll cover
that in a later class.

Todd, when I eventually
get my massage,

what if I become
sexually aroused?

Not that that’s happened
in a awhile.

Did I mention I was a widower?

But what if?

A supposition if you will.

Well, Ernie, that’s
a very natural response.

You could cover
yourself with a towel.

Oh, I will. I will.

And that’s something
I’m quite looking forward to.

[audience laughing]

Now, let’s concentrate
on the shoulders

and the upper back.

Caroline, why don’t you
come back up here again.

Come on.

Here we go. Alright now.

Remember, as a I said earlier

sometimes energy will be
discharged as emotion.

- Ow. Ow, ow, ow.
- No, just relax, Caroline.

I am relaxed. I...I’m really...

Just try to breathe very deeply,
and just let go.

Yes, let go for once
in your life, Caroline!

[audience laughing]

I’m married to a man who
cannot satisfy me sexually!

[audience laughing]

Okay, okay!

That was a really
good first session.

I think we’ve got a good group.

Now next week we’ll be
working with scented oils.

I’ll see you then, okay.

Well, I feel
fantastic, you know?

Just fantastic.

Almost as if I’ve actually
gotten a massage.

- About scented oil...
- Yes?

[audience applauding]

Hey, I had a great time tonight.

I would like to say thank you
to the Neville Brothers,

Art, Aaron, Charles and Cyril.

Hello to Ray!

I wanna thank everybody here.

Merry Christmas!

A Happy New Year! This has been
the greatest week of my life!

Thank you!

[audience cheering]

[music]