Original subtitles

[Announcer:] And now a message

from the president of the United States.

[audience cheering]

Good evening.

Happy holidays to you all.

Once again it’s that festive season.

Tonight our Jewish friends observe the fifth night of Hanukkah.

[audience laughing]

The celebration of a military victory won centuries ago

in a part of the world where today

400,000 brave Americans await my order to annihilate Iraq.

[audience laughing]

None of us want war in that whole area out over there,

but as commander-in-chief I am ever cognizant of my authority

to launch a full-scale orgy of death there in the desert sands.

[audience laughing]

Probably won’t, but then again, I might.

[audience laughing]

And if we do go to war, I can assure you it will not be

another Vietnam, because we have learned well the simple lesson

of Vietnam: stay out of Vietnam.

[audience laughing]

That’s right.

[audience applauding]

Those guys, they’ll beat you.

They’ll beat you bad, bad, they’re bad, bad.

[audience laughing]

But this time it’s different over there because the world is behind us.

You know, critics say why is the U.S. doing all the work over there?

Not true.

Not true at all.

78 countries are contributing to Operation Desert Shield.

Not all, that’s right, not all are sending troops, sure,

but giving what they are able. Doing that giving thing they do.

From Belgium, nylon helmet covers.

[audience laughing]

From New Zealand, socks.

[audience laughing]

Socks ranging from sizes 6 through 12.

Now six is small.

Twelve, that’s kinda big. Me, I’m a ten and a half.

Could wear a ten down here, it wouldn’t be prudent.

[audience laughing]

From the Congo, we got Ray-Ban sunglasses, two pair.

[audience laughing]

From Yugoslavia, men’s swimming trunks.

From Mexico down there, salsa.

[audience laughing]

Chunky style.

[audience laughing]

Makes you hungry.

And the list goes on.

So you see, world behind us, not like Vietnam.

And this time, our strike will be swift and deadly.

Dangerous.

I know you’re watching, Mr. Saddam Hussein.

The time is running out on you.

The deadline, the morning of January 15th,

one month from today.

When that morning dawns, you won’t be hearing chirping birds.

You’ll be hearing something a little different,

something more like this...

[whistling sound].

[audience laughing]

Then nothing.

Then you wait... Then KABOOM!

[makes a sound of explosion]

[audience laughing]

Then once again...

[whistling sound]

...nothing, you’re lucky, it’s a dud.

[audience laughing]

Then... [whistling sound]

KABOOM! Short fuse.

[audience laughing]

And finally the last thing you’ll hear as you pass into oblivion...

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[audience cheering]

[music]

[Announcer:] It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Dennis Miller,

Mike Myers,

and Kevin Nealon.

With Chris Farley,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney,

and featuring Rob Schneider,

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, the Neville Brothers.

And starring Dennis Quaid.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dennis Quaid!

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you very much! Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

It’s great to be in New York to be hosting Saturday Night Live.

I gotta tell you I’m a little nervous.

Right now I...I mean, I hope it doesn’t show.

I usually hide it with this confident smile.

[audience laughing]

It’s a reflex action that takes over in any kind of stressful situation.

My eyes just sort of squint, my mouth just kind of goes back and...

[audience laughing]

You know, sometimes I smile at the worst possible times.

I mean, I know it cost me movie parts like when I auditioned

for The Last Temptation of Christ.

"I built my temple as a house of prayer,

you have made it into a den of fears."

[audience laughing]

Because of my grin people assume that, you know,

I’m completely at ease in any situation,

but I gotta tell you I know what’s in tonight’s show,

and frankly you are in deep trouble.

Anyway, I’m smiling for real now because my friends,

The Neville Brothers, are here tonight.

And we’ll be right back!

[audience cheering]

[Narrator:] It’s that time of year, when families gather together

to reopen old feelings, and Silver Bell Records is proud to present

a Dysfunctional Family Christmas.

This is the album your family is sure to cherish for Christmases to come.

* Christmastime, you force a smile. *

* Everyone is joining in the group denial. *

* Folks behaving infantile. *

* Family Christmas time. *

[Narrator:] Hit after dysfunctional hit.

Songs like "The Almost Perfect Christmas."

* Dinner is perfect, the presents are perfect, *

* the tree and the parlors are perfect fun. *

* Then your brother yells at your mother, *

* Christmas is ruined for everyone. *

[Narrator:] Get timeless hits like "Someday I’ll Get Christmas Right",

"I’ve Got My Drinking Under Control For The Holidays",

"Peace On Earth? Where?", and "The Daughter Song."

* Presents and wrapping paper, *

* ribbons and bows and all that stuff. *

Why do we even bother?

* Nothing we get you is good enough! *

[Narrator:] And this country Christmas classic.

* Every Christmas when you got drunk, *

* I told the children you were not drunk. *

* And I said, Tommy, you’re not being bad, *

* it’s just Christmas makes your Mommy mad. *

[Narrator:] You’ll get "Cant’ You Let It Drop, It’s Christmas",

"What I Want You Can’t Buy Me", "Fruitcake And Shame",

and "Why Am I The Only One Who Knows What Christmas Really Means?"

And many more.

* Underneath the mistletoe is a 2x2 jingle bell world. *

* And underneath all those extra pounds is a very pretty girl. *

* Daddy’s nose is red and runny, *

* daddy’s voice is rough and funny. *

* And the only words I can understand *

* are "God" and "Damn" and "Christmas." *

[Narrator:] Just imagine: 24 timeless standards,

including the classic "Carol of Intimacy".

* Leave me alone! Please go away! *

* I’m doing fine! Just get away! *

* Leave me alone! Please go away! *

* I’m doing fine! Just get away! *

* Leave me alone! Please go away! *

* I’m doing fine! Just get away... *

[Narrator:] To order, call 1-800-GET-HELP today.

Operators are standing by.

[audience applauding]

[music]

[audience applauding]

[audience cheering]

They are the men you love to look at,

whether they are on television or they live next door,

and they are victims of a serious sleep disorder

that continues to have the experts puzzled.

Our subject today, get ready, ladies, narcoleptic hunks!

[audience cheering]

Okay.

Let’s...let’s settle down here for a minute.

We’ve got a lot of ground to cover.

Now we all know what a hunk is or at least we all have our own

definition of such, but do we know what narcolepsy is?

Well, for your information narcolepsy is a syndrome

in which one is subject to recurrent brief attacks

of involuntary sleep and I don’t think we could have found

three more eligible, desirable narcoleptics

than the ones

that we have right here in our studio audience.

[audience cheering]

Alright, okay.

Yeah.

Let’s start with the hunk most of you I’m sure recognize.

He is best known as snapper from the day time soap, "The Bold and the Eager."

[audience laughing]

Here is Patrick Collie.

[audience cheering]

Now...

Patrick has this, this narcolepsy, has it...

Has it affected your work in any way?

Sally, it doesn’t... affect my work anymore than it affects my love life.

Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Well, then let’s go one step further.

Let’s say you are doing a love scene on the show and I guess

snapper does maybe 25 or 30 every week.

Alright.

But let’s say that you fall asleep during the scene.

How does that affect...

I’m going to be gentle about this.

How does this affect the chemistry between you

and the actress with whom you are performing?

Well, Sally, if there’s one thing all my leading ladies

have in common is...

[audience laughing]

They’re all professionals and uh they’re all very sexy.

Well, oh boy.

Oh boy.

Well, I don’t know about you ladies,

but I think he’s even cuter with his eyes closed.

[cheers]

Okay, let’s meet our next hunk.

He is a narcoleptic investment banker, ladies!

[audience cheering]

So please welcome Joight Malloray.

[audience cheering]

Joight, my question to you is this,

why are you still not married?

How could this be?

Well, Sally, I’m just not ready to be tied down.

I’ve always been kind of a free-spirit.

I like to travel uh...

[audience laughing]

What an angel.

Isn’t it great?

Okay. Our next hunk is a waiter

and he lives in Santa Monica.

Ladies, feast your eyes on narcoleptic Tony Kellogg.

[audience cheering]

Tony, when did you uh first learned that you had narcolepsy?

That’s an interesting story.

It happened when I was making love to a woman.

[cheers]

I was 15 years old, she was of course a much older woman.

Women just go for me.

They like my looks, they like the whole sleep thing.

And being a waiter, I meet a lot of hungry women.

[laughter]

Okay.

Tony, you are...

[audience laughing]

You are very articulate.

And yet I understand you did not finish school. Is that right?

Well, I enjoyed classes, Sally.

I did not test well.

You’re gonna have to give me a minute on this one.

[audience laughing]

Whoo! Okay, I’m better. Let’s take some questions, huh?

Let’s go out in the audience. Anybody? Yeah, right here.

Um, Patrick, um I’d like to ask you

is narcolepsy a neurological disorder,

and do you have a girlfriend?

Well, yes and no.

[cheers]

Oh, what am I hearing out here, huh?

Okay. Anybody? You. Yes?

I just wanna say that I think the sleeping Patrick

is just as sexy as the awake Patrick.

Wow, there you are.

There you are. Who’s next? Yeah, step here.

Um this is for Patrick.

Um how come they haven’t written your character as a narcoleptic

and are you mad that they don’t?

[audience laughing]

He’s asleep. Look at that. Isn’t that cute?

- I’ll wait. - Oh! Okay. Come on.

Who’s next? Who’s next?

Let’s get a male perspective. Come on up here. Talk to me.

Yeah, I happen to be a narcoleptic, too,

and I think you’re trivializing a very serious disease.

These men...no, hear me out!

Wait a minute, now wait a minute! Hear me...

[audience laughing]

Well, does uh anybody have a response to that?

If I look like that I’d be bitter, too.

Anyone else? Anybody else?

[murmuring]

Oh, where am I?

Hello, Joight, you’re on my show.

Gah!

[audience laughing]

Okay. I gotta admit this is getting a little tiresome,

but before we go, ladies, we have got a special surprise.

Yes, brace yourselves,

here comes the narcoleptic exotic male dancer, Russ!

[cheers and music]

We’ll be right back!

[audience cheering]

Well, sir, what did you think about our flight exercise?

Excellent, lieutenant.

We’ve got quite a crop of young pilots.

Well, sir, I’m glad that... Look out, sir!

We could’ve been killed by that crazy stunt!

Who in Sam Hill is flying that plane?

It’s Mustang Calhoun, sir.

He’s one of our best pilots, but he’s a little reckless,

likes to take chances.

Yeehaw!

Yep, yep, yep, yow! Yeehaw!

What in blue blazes is that maniac doing?

He’s flying upside down, sir.

Yeehaw!

Yee hoo hoo!

Flying upside down, that crazy renegade.

He knows that’s against regulations!

- Get him to stop now! - There’s no stopping him, sir.

Mustang Calhoun does things his way.

Look, he’s putting the plane into a barrel roll.

Yeehaw!

Yeehaw! Yahoo!

Woo hoo hoo!

Does he know that jet can’t handle that stress?

It’s suicide!

Tell him to land before he gets himself killed.

Yeehaw!

Woo ha ha ha!

It’s no use, sir, he won’t respond.

Why that cocky SOB!

I’ll see to it he never... jumping jahozafat.

What the hell kind of stunt is he doing now?

Sir, he’s investing in green shares on the commodities market!

Yeehaw!

Yippee yahoo!

Yahoo!

Investing at the start of the recession?

That damn fool, he’ll lose everything he’s got!

I know, sir.

- Oh, no. - What’s he doing?

Sir, I’m afraid he’s putting tin foil on a microwave oven.

He’s lost his mind!

Yeehaw!

Yeah!

It’ll explode! Read the manual, you hopped up jackass!

I’m afraid that’s the least of our problems now, sir.

Why, what’s he up to?

He’s letting his girlfriend cut his hair!

My God!

Yeehaw!

Yippee yahoo!

Yahoo!

That maniac’s begging for trouble!

She’ll give him a bad haircut but he won’t be able to tell her because it’ll hurt her feelings.

Yeah, give me that microphone, I’ll get him down.

Alright, sir, but you better hurry.

He just bought a golden retriever puppy and he lives in a small apartment.

What?

Yeehaw!

Yippee yahoo! Yahoo!

You listen to me, you whacked out lunatic!

That dog is gonna get big and it’s gonna need room to run around and play,

room you don’t have!

Oh, my God!

Out with it, lieutenant.

Sir, he’s joining the Columbia Records and Tape Club!

No, for the love of God, it’s a scam!

Yeehaw!

Yippee yahoo! Yahoo!

Yeehaw!

Look out, he’s headed this way!

That was close!

- Where did he go? - I don’t know, sir.

His plane disappeared over the horizon.

That reckless hotshot.

He better not have crashed.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hmm.

I see.

General, I’m getting a report from our radar station.

Right.

It seems Calhoun has landed safely in Waco, Texas

and he’s having lunch in the town diner.

Thank God he’s safe.

Hold it, general. I’m afraid that’s not all.

- Apparently he’s ordered sushi! - No!

Yahoo!

Yippee yahoo!

Yeehaw!

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] And now weekend update with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

[audience cheering]

Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Last week Saddam Hussein released all the hostages.

President Bush said he still plan to use military force

if need be against Iraq unless they left Kuwait.

This week Hussein said, "Okay, okay.

I’ll be out of Kuwait in a week."

Bush said, "Too late. We’re gonna attack you anyway.

You have embarrassed me in front of my woman."

[audience cheering]

Upon being reached for a comment, Barbara Bush said,

"George still turns me on when he talks nasty like that."

[audience applauding]

President Bush complained this week that Saddam Hussein,

who claims he’s too busy to meet with Secretary of State James Baker,

is not too busy to see Kurt Waldheim, Muhammad Ali,

Peter Jennings and many others.

Saddam Hussein was unavailable for comment as he was busy

kicking off his "Meet Hussein Tour" of American K-Mart stores.

[audience laughing]

France announced this week it will send 4000 more men

to reinforce the 6000 strong force already in Saudi Arabia.

The unit will be comprised of an advance force

of 4000 highly trained pain-in-the-ass waiters.

[audience laughing]

Secretary of State James Baker met with Soviet Foreign Minister Eduard Shevardnadze

in a new effort to demonstrate the lighter,

more convivial attitude between the two countries.

Shevardnadze and Baker then went to a local Laundromat

and got into a dryer where they revolved for 20 minutes.

Then Shevardnadze visited President Bush and Bush pointed out to him the fireplace

where he burned all the memoranda

that implicated him in the Iran counter scandal.

[audience cheering]

With the threat of having their federal funding cut off,

NASA has launched an in-depth investigation into the billion dollar Hubble space telescope.

In conjunction NASA’s federally funded scientists called an emergency meeting

and decided they had actually been wrong all along.

Space, they have now concluded, is just really, really fuzzy.

[audience laughing]

And NASA is now considering new cut backs in the space program budget.

One of the proposed cut backs is to send government officials

who are already on the government payroll

on a 25 year mission to scalp the surface of the planet Pluto.

Plans were then announced to appropriate $5 million

to make sure that Vice President Quayle drew the short straw.

[audience laughing]

Vice President Quayle will receive a $46,000 raise next year

pushing his annual allowance to $160,000.00.

When told of the new hike in his allowance Quayle said,

"Boy, that’s a lot of money. Is that this many?"

[audience applauding]

And this week former drug czar William Bennett turned down

the $120,000.00 a year job of chairman of the Republican National Committee

saying he wants to make some "real money".

Today Bennett accepted the chairmanship

of the Lyndon-LaRouche party which offered him $350,000.00 a year

and the use of a big Buick.

Oh, no.

It’s annoying man.

Merry Christmas.

[audience cheering]

Hello.

Merry Christmas, Dennis. I baked you a coffee cake.

Well, thank you, annoying man. How’d you make that?

Well, first you put an egg into a pan and then you stir it.

Oh, God.

Stop that.

And then you get some wax from Dennis Miller’s ear...

Hey, get out of here!

You know, annoying man, you’ve been coming here for two years,

you scraped the fork on the frying pan,

you scraped the fork on the plate, you pick zits,

you picket my ear wax, and the most annoying thing of all,

you and Lovitz quit the show and then you’re back every damn week.

Stop it! Stop it!

You don’t have to yell.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

How do you...how do you change your voice like that?

- Acting! - Get out of here!

- Goodbye, everybody! Goodbye! - Annoying man!

[audience cheering]

A new terrorist organization is marching in the streets

in the United States of America but having little or no effect.

The group called "The Too Much Skinheads"

are just too damn cute to be taken seriously.

This week indicted savings and loan executive Charles Keating

got quite a surprise from the five lawmakers

accused of accepting campaign funds from him.

The group known as the Keating Five all pleaded guilty simultaneously.

Spokesman for the group said, "Why fight it?

We got caught with our pants down."

In an ironic twist this week, as part of their divorce settlement

Ivana Trump received half of Marla Maple’s wardrobe.

And now here with a commentary is a grumpy old man.

Welcome, grumpy!

[makes noise]

I don’t like this desk and I don’t like this chair,

and I don’t like holidays.

[speaks gibberish]

Christmas shopping.

In my day we didn’t have shopping malls

with hundreds of stores with gifts people really want.

We had one store and it had no gifts!

[audience laughing]

We had to sneak in to a person’s closet, steal his jacket,

wrap it up and give it to him.

"Whoopee! You gave me my own coat!

Surprise, surprise!"

That’s the way it was and we liked it.

[audience laughing]

In my day we didn’t go out caroling, singing pretty songs.

We don’t know any songs.

We just go out and yell at the top of our lungs,

[makes noise]

It’s Christmas!

[makes noise]

We didn’t need jingle bells, we had... [makes noise]

We’d scream all night until our vocal chords were raw and bloody

and then you think, "Oh no my vocal chords are severed.

Maybe I shouldn’t have screamed all night."

But it was too late, you were a mute and you loved it!

[makes noise]

And we didn’t have safety approved toys.

Who wants them? I hate them.

In my day a child would open up a gift and within seconds

he’d either burst into flames or lose a limb.

[audience laughing]

Oh, you better believe it. That was a day to remember.

"Look at Timmy rolling on the carpet trying to put out his fiery hand!

Hallelujah my son exploded and I love it!"

Memories! Sweet, sweet memories!

Oh, I long for the days when people gave each other what they already had,

children’s head exploded and mutes went around caroling

and coughing up blood and that was the way it was and we loved it!

Thank you, grumpy!

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, grumpy.

A big week for theatre goers in New York as Topol

returned to Broadway with Lee Nolin in Havana Nagila.

[audience laughing]

ZZ Top’s got a new video on MTV this week and tonight, lastly,

we wanna bid a fun adieu to William Clockworthy,

the gentleman who has been our network censor

for the past 12 years.

He’s leaving, this is his last show and he is a good guy.

So, so long Bill.

We’re gonna miss you, you loveable old jack off.

[audience cheering]

* Well, the USA will take it, that dirt bag’s got no class. *

* You could tell Saddam Hussein for me, he can kiss my ass. *

[Narrator:] Finally on an album allthe specialty songs

of America’s proudest country singer, Cal McLane Jr!

* Well, USA ain’t backing down. *

* We don’t take orders from old nuts. *

* Hey there, General Noriega *

* you can cram it up your butt. *

* Yeah, well the USA has arrived to make you toe the line. *

* They all you Granada people, *

* you can sink it where the sun don’t shine. Yeah! *

[Narrator:] Cal McLane Jr sings what’s on everybody’s mind

in a language that won’t leave anyone guessing.

* Well, the USA’s in Southeast Asia, *

* there are pimps it’s getting whiny. *

* You can tell the guy who runs North Vietnam *

* to stick it up his hiney. *

* Yes, you can! *

[Narrator:] The number one country singer

from the number one country, the USA.

And if you order right away

you’ll get an additional album at no extra cost,

Cal McLane Jr’s "Songs for My Ex-Wives".

* Dear Maureen, I’m sorry my darling *

* although you don’t seem to care. *

* But I still got my pride and one thing to say, *

* you can stick it up your dairy air. Yeah! *

[Narrator:] Order now to receive both albums at $14.95.

"Messages", the specialty songs

of Cal McLane Jr, Lynchburg, Tennessee.

Yeah, I hope you love these albums but if you don’t,

you know what you can do, yeah!

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:] If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open,

and your friends are all watching you fall,

I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

[audience applauding]

Hello!

Hello, everyone.

My name is Todd Skylar.

Welcome to Talking Through Touch, the art of massage.

First, let me tell you a little bit about myself.

I’m a licenced masseur, I’m from Telluride, Colorado,

but my energy is in the Bay area.

I have backpacked across Europe four times,

and I have a cat named Bosco. Okay?

You know me. Why don’t you tell me who you are,

why you’re interested in massage?

Let’s start here.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

My name is Caroline Holter, this is my husband Kenneth.

[audience laughing]

And we are both just auditing this class and we will probably end up not taking it at all.

Now darling you said you’d give it a chance.

I know, I know I said that and I will, sweetheart, I will.

We’re looking for new ways to express our tenderness to each other.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Next?

Name’s Ned Crawley, I work for a limo service.

A lot of people say, "You’re driving a limo.

That’s an easy job."

But what they don’t realize is how numb your can get

sitting on it all day long.

Boy, do I need a rub down.

Well, Ned, we’ll be learning some revitalizing techniques

using shiatsu pressure points.

Well, that’s great.

Like I said I’ve been sitting on one gigantic pressure point all day long.

Hi, everybody, my name is Chuck Brennan.

This is my lovely wife, Barb.

We’re from Wheaton, and we’re here to...

B asically to... meet other couples and to... um...

What am I trying to say here?

To... uh... touch or what... help me out here, honey.

To meet other couples and to touch them.

Right, that about says it. That’s about it.

Super.

Hello, everyone. My name is Ernie Hitchins,

and I’m a widower. As you might imagine

I’ve got a bit of free time on my hands so I said to myself,

"Why don’t you pop around to The New Horizons Learning Annex

and see what they have to offer to seniors?"

I must confess, this particular course was not my first choice.

But as brewing beer in your own home and Afro-Caribbean dance

were awful lot, well, here I am.

And I’m game to learn the art of massage.

Okay. Okay.

Now, the aim of massage is to restore a person’s balance of energies,

to bring him or her into harmony with the universal pulse of life.

And since it’s not cool to do drugs or sell drugs,

massage is the answer.

Alright.

I want everyone to select a partner,

perhaps your spouse.

Ned, I’ll be yours.

Now, the method I teach is a combination

of Swedish massage, shiatsu, and reflexology.

So designate a giver and a receiver.

And I want the receivers to lie stomach down on the table.

Let’s start with the Holters.

- Um... excuse me? - Yes.

What I’m seeing here now

is that some of us are massaging the same person we came with.

[audience laughing]

You know, wouldn’t it be better if, you know,

wouldn’t it spice things up if uh...

couples switched or... you know...

swapped... or... What am I trying to say here?

We’ll switch partners later, Chuck.

- Excellent. - Okay.

The gliding stroke.

Both hands start at the shoulders,

move down to the small of the back one fluid movement.

Kenneth, when you do the gliding stroke,

you actually want to touch Caroline’s body.

- No, I don’t. - No, he doesn’t.

Well, you see when you touch you’re communicating.

Your fingers are actually talking.

Oh, my fingers are talking.

They’re saying, "Let’s be careful not to piss her off."

[audience laughing]

And my back is saying, "That’s just fine with me."

Well, massage is about unblocking the flow of vital energy.

I remember one spring when I was growing up in Colorado.

There was this creek outside of our house

and one day I built a damn out of mud and birch wood twigs.

The creek backed up, it flowed out onto our driveway.

[making noise]

Well, that’s what I’m talking about.

Well, let me show you what I mean.

Ned, Ned come up here.

Now I’m sorry if my hands are a little rough.

I’ve been making Adirondack chairs all week long.

Okay.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

God almighty, help me!

Help me!

What? Why’d you stop?

It hurt but it was a good hurt.

Really good hurt.

I would like to point out that Ned is allowing himself

to open up, releasing tension.

Am I going too fast? Questions?

I have a question.

I was wondering about self massage.

[audience laughing]

Self massage is really valuable to know.

It’s necessary at those times when that...

...special someone isn’t around.

Well, what if that special someone is in the room

and he is also practicing self massage?

[audience laughing]

That’s great.

Well, what if you didn’t know

that he invited other people over to watch?

Oh, like it was a big surprise.

Well, we’ll cover that in a later class.

Todd, when I eventually get my massage,

what if I become sexually aroused?

Not that that’s happened in a awhile.

Did I mention I was a widower?

But what if?

A supposition if you will.

Well, Ernie, that’s a very natural response.

You could cover yourself with a towel.

Oh, I will. I will.

And that’s something I’m quite looking forward to.

[audience laughing]

Now, let’s concentrate on the shoulders

and the upper back.

Caroline, why don’t you come back up here again.

Come on.

Here we go. Alright now.

Remember, as a I said earlier

sometimes energy will be discharged as emotion.

- Ow. Ow, ow, ow. - No, just relax, Caroline.

I am relaxed. I...I’m really...

Just try to breathe very deeply, and just let go.

Yes, let go for once in your life, Caroline!

[audience laughing]

I’m married to a man who cannot satisfy me sexually!

[audience laughing]

Okay, okay!

That was a really good first session.

I think we’ve got a good group.

Now next week we’ll be working with scented oils.

I’ll see you then, okay.

Well, I feel fantastic, you know?

Just fantastic.

Almost as if I’ve actually gotten a massage.

- About scented oil... - Yes?

[audience applauding]

Hey, I had a great time tonight.

I would like to say thank you to the Neville Brothers,

Art, Aaron, Charles and Cyril.

Hello to Ray!

I wanna thank everybody here.

Merry Christmas!

A Happy New Year! This has been the greatest week of my life!

Thank you!

[audience cheering]

[music]