Original subtitles

(Don Pardo speaking) Last week NBC News emphasized, the use of sanction

and urge restraint in the confrontation with Iraq.

Here, with an opposing viewpoint is Mr. Subliminal.

What should the US do about Saddam Hussein - lobotomy.

One strategy has been the

congressional approved economic sanction

- waste of time.

Because obviously nobody wants war - Republicans.

According to President Bush

(Laughter)

According to President Bush, nothing is more important

than human lives - oil.

But I think to avoid war -

(Laughter)

I think in order to avoid war,

we need to give Hussein a face saving way to leave Kuwait -

body bag.

And I have to say in all honesty.

(Cheers and applause)

I’ve got to say President Bush’s certainly showing a lot patience

- pussy.

And now he’s finally set a deadline for January 15 -

bunch of crap.

And if Mr. Hussein - if Mr. Hussein promises

to pull out - fat chance.

We should give him a chance.

You know we got to take him at his word as we would anyone else

- Milli Vanilli.

And at least he’s, he’s agreed---

(Cheers and applause)

he’s agreed to release

all the hostages - big deal.

And all in all though I’ve got to say

the important thing to remember is world peace - Nuke ’em.

To maintain it the US just have to make a sacrifice -

Dan Qualye.

And if there is a war---

(Cheers and applause)

if there’s a war

it’s comforting to know that we’d be getting help

from our allies - Kenny asses.

And then we’d have to answer, we’d have to answer the question

what’s the best weapon to use to topple a power hungry,

megalomaniac like Hussein - Marla Maples.

And if you’re listening,

if you’re listening Mr. Hussein pervert.

I personally think that you should find something

better to do with your time - 7 - 11

And then maybe the rest of us - the rest of us could then

get back enjoying our lives - hot sex.

So, in this joyous season of giving - receiving

I think it’s important to remember in the long run -

Live From New York.

Everything will turn out okay - Its Saturday Night.

(Music and cheers)

(Music)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

(Music)

With Dana Carvey.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Dennis Miller

Mike Myers

And Kevin Nealon

With Chris Farley

Chris Rock

Julia Sweeney

And featuring A. Whitney Brown

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Edie Brickell and New Bohemians

And starring Tom Hanks

(Music)

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks!

(Music)

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you,

I can’t tell you how happy I am to be back

on "Saturday Night Live"

Now believe it or not, this is the fifth "Saturday Night Live"

I have been lucky enough to host. Number 5.

(Cheers and applause)

Wow, thank you!

Thank you, thank you

Now, the first time you do the show,

you can’t believe you’re here.

You can’t believe it!

Your head buzzes with excitement like that.

And---

the second time you do the show, it means you were funny enough

to be asked back - and you’re pushing a movie.

Uhm---

(Laughter)

The third time you do the show, the second time

didn’t go so well, and you have something to prove to yourself.

The fourth time you do the show, you’re just blatantly

pushing a movie.

But the fifth time,

The fifth time you do the show, is the most special of all

because you get one of this a membership card

in the Five-TimersClub.

(Laughter)

I want you to come with me right

and I’m gonna give you a chance to look in

on one of the most exclusive clubs in the world.

Welcome, Mr. Hanks.

Once again, congratulations on your fifth appearance.

Oh, well! Thank you, Thank you.

Would you like your club robe now?

Oh, sure yeah, yeah you bet!

Thank you uhm---

Sean---

Sean.

Oh wait.

Tom!

Congratulations!

(Cheers and applause)

Congratulations!

Congratulations and welcome aboard!

Thank you, Mr. Simon. Thank you.

Uhm, please, call me Paul.

Okay!

Paul.

You know, we’ve had our eye on you

ever since your third show.

(Laughter)

Everybody felt quite confident that you’re going to make the 5.

Oh, well thank you, that’s very flattering.

Yes. There was some concern after

"Joe Vs. The Volcano", But,

(Laughter)

Everyone has---

Anyway, good for you!

Thank you, thank you, very much.

Why don’t you step into the reading room

I think you’ll like it. Steve!

Steve, look who’s joined us!

(Cheers and applause)

Wow!

(Cheers and applause)

Well, Tom, old bean, that robe fits you smashingly.

Oh!

(Laughter)

Thanks, Mr. Martin.

Oh, please, call me Mr. Steve Martin.

(Laughter)

Well, thanks, Mr. Steve Martin.

(Laughing)

(Laughter)

Oh, I gues someone needs to learn the club handshake.

(Soft laughter)

I, 2, 3, 4, 5.

You’re great!

You were great!

(Laughter)

Tom, sit down.

You know, I hope you appreciate the responsibility it takes

being a fiver.

Let’s be frank - it takes a certain caliber of performer

to achieve that very special 5th show.

Hey, Steven!

You really ought to take a dip.

(Cheers and applause)

The pool’s a perfect 80 degrees.

He practically lives here.

Tom Hanks!

Welcome aboard!

Oh thank you Mr. Gould.

Oh, 1,2,3,4,5.

You’re great.

You’re great!

(Cheers and applause)

Mazeltov, old man.

You know, it is a little bit easier

to get number five these days.

Nothing against you, Tom.

Let’s get you fixed up.

Care for some supper?

Oh, sure!

Waiter!

Here you are, Mr. Gould.

Mr. Hanks.

(Cheers and applause)

Jon, Jon Lovitz, you work here?

Hey, hey, work is work.

(Laughter)

Uhm, I’ll have the Chevy Chase, and easy on the ham this time.

(Laughter)

Good idea, Mr. Steve Martin.

Wow.

So many choices here. What do I do?

Try the Anthony Michael Hall. It’s surprisingly good.

(Laughter)

Uhm... I’ll have the Joe Piscopo.

Really?

And to drink?

Uhm... I’ll just have a beer.

Anyone else?

Well let me have a Jenny Craig protein shake.

(Soft laughter)

Jon, we’re having that problem again at the door.

Alright, I’ll take care of it.

(Clearing throat)

Mr. Nader,

(Cheers and applause)

I’ve told you---

(Applause)

again and again this club is for members only.

But I’ve hosted the show! I swear!

I’m sorry, sir, five-timers only.

See.. there’s Steve Martin, there’s Paul Simon---

Tom Hanks just joined!

Out! Everybody out!

Get out!

(Cheers and applause)

I got rid of him, gentlemen.

Very good, Jon.

(Soft laughter)

I smell something burning.

My muffins!

(Laughter)

Well, listen everybody, this has been a thrill,

but I better head out, finish the rest of the monologue.

What are you talking about Tom?

You can do it from here.

I can?

Well of course! You’re a five-timer!

You can phone it in!

(Laughter)

Really?

Mr. Elliott, hand him the club phone.

Here this is a direct line to the studio.

Oh, great!

Say whatever you want! Make yourself comfortable.

Say hello for me.

Uhm, okay. Uh... we’ve got a great show!

Uhm---

(Cheers and applause)

Edie Brickell and New Bohemians are here!

(Cheers and applause)

(Cross talking)

We’ll be right back!

(Cheers and applause)

Boy, do I love leftover night.

Uh!

Oh! Oh, jeez!

(Laughter)

Oh, how old is that milk it is really bad?

Let me see what are you talking about,

Oh, my!

Whoa!

Oh, you aren’t kidding.

Let me try, let me try.

(Laughter)

Oh baby whoa!

Here let me try.

Whoa, that’s bad! Yuck! Whoa!

It must have been in the back of the fridge

what I guess maybe a month or so.

You know I don’t think this leftover flounder

is too good either.

Whoa, woo, ho hoa, wow!

Really?

Not good!

But it should be alright, let me see.

Whoa, baby, oh, that is bad.

Come on, it can’t be that bad,

Let me see - ay Chihuahua that’s ammonia.

That’s ammonia.

Alright, let me see, let me see.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh sweet hosanna oh that is foul!

Oh, oh!

Oh, hey Kevin.

Hey Kevin.

(Laughing)

What in the world have you been doing?

I’m just doing some situps.

Boy did I workup a sweat.

(Laughter) Oh.

Hey dad, feel how wet this is.

Oh, whoa, whoa!

Oh, you are softened.

Let me see, let me see, pull it up.

Ow!

Let me see, let me see.

(Laughter)

Oh, give me a break.

Hey, Kevin, Kevin, you got to try this milk man.

This is so far gone it’s unreal.

(Laughing)

Oh! Ohoho!

Oh! Stop the music, that is bad.

Dad try this.

Oh no thanks I already - oh alright, alright.

Whoa, whoa momma!

Oh, oh take me home now. Uh!

Ow, there’s a needle sticking out of this.

Whoa!

Let me see.

Ow wow!

Oh yeah this sure is honey.

What? Okay.

Wow! Oh boy that is sharp.

That is really sharp.

Wait a minute, I got a whiff of something.

(Soft laughter)

I think it’s the kitty litter.

(Pushing box)

Oh, have mercy! Whoa!

Come over here and smell this?

Ugh, zippy di do dah!

Oh, oh! Kids, kids, come here you got to check this out.

Whoa!

(Laughing)

(Everybody) Oh! Whoa! Uh!

Okay, okay, alright, alright Kevin o downstairs

and get us a new kitty litter alright?

Sure dad.

(Opening door)

(Falls down the stairs)

Kevin, Kevin are you okay?

(Footsteps down the stairs)

Oh, I’m in pain.

Talk about your broken steps.

Where? Where?

(Falls down the stairs)

Oh, there!

(Footsteps up the stairs)

Uh, what did I tell you?

Yeah.

Is that dangerous or what?

Yeah, I got to get that fixed.

Honey.

(Laughter)

(Falls down the stairs)

(Soft laughter)

(Soft laughter)

Alright, alright, kids now that’s enough.

Come on, tomorrow’s a school day.

(Footsteps up the stairs)

Oh, dad!

Oh, honey, I am one gigantic bruise.

Oh, tell me about it.

Somebody ought to fix that thing.

Alright, goodnight kids.

Goodnight dad.

Goodnight. Goodnight!

Aren’t you coming to bed, honey?

Oh, honey, I’ll be up in just a minute or so.

Okay, I love you.

Oh, I love you, too.

(Sigh)

Whoa! Ow!

Whoa! Ow! Whoa! Ow!

(Cheers and applause)

(Music and applause)

(Don Pardo speaking) It’s time once again for Game Beaters

Here’s your host, Witt Trildy!

(Cheers and applause)

Hello, everybody! Hello, contestants!

Thank you! Thank you!

We’ve got a lot of prizes to win, so let’s dive

right into our first question.

Hands over buzzers, please.

"Who was the only American President

to serve two non-consecutive terms?"

(Buzz)

Jeff!

Yes!

(Laughter)

Don’t you have an answer?

Well, I will just as soon as I hear a question!

(Music)

* "Mr. Short-Term Memory. *

* He shouldn’t have stood under that pear tree. *

* Now there’s just no remedy. *

* He’ll frustrate you so *

* But he’ll never know. *

* ’Cause he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory." *

Tonight’sepisode"The Game Show "

Okay, we’ll get back to our questions in a minute

but first let’s meet our contestants

I’m Jeff Morrow from San Bernardino, California

Beautiful weather up there!

Up where?

S-San Bernardino.

Hey I’m from San Bernardino!

I’m from there!

You should visit up there sometime

the weather there is lovely.

(Laughter)

Okay! And your opponent?

Susan Carlisle from Reading, Pennsylvania!

Welcome, Susan.

And I’m Jeff Morrow from San Bernardino, California

(Laughter)

Alright!

Well let’s go back and try that question again :

"Who was the only President

to serve two non-consecutive terms?"

(Buzz)

Okay, Jeff what’s your answer?

To what?

The question!

Can you answer the question?

Why, you giving me the third degree,

I didn’t do anything?

Jeff your on Game Beaters here, you’re a contestant.

I am? Oh my God! Yes!

Ha-Ha! Alright! Alright! Alright!

(Laughing insane)

Alright let’s star the game! Witt!

(Laughter)

Uh... Welcome to the game Jeff!

We’ve uh---

changed the format a bit.

We don’t play the buzzer round anymore

and we’re gonna go right to the elimination question.

(Laughter)

Wow, that’s a quick game!

Yes, yes it is.

Contestants!

Get ready to write down your answer to this question:

"What country gave us the Statue of Liberty?"

(Bell rings)

Okay, now we’re rolling!

Jeff, what’s the answer?

Well, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to disqualify myself

as someone has already written "France" on my card.

(Laughter)

Could I possibly get a fresh one?

I mean, this is a network show, isn’t it?

(Laughter)

No, "France" is correct.

Susan, what’s your answer?

Uh, I wrote "Canada"

(Laughter)

Great!

(Laughter)

Well, Jeff, that’s makes you our champion so you get to stay

and keep playing.

I’m sorry.

Just- Just go!

(Laughter)

Hey, where is she going?

You haven’t even asked us a question yet!

Jeff, we’ve changed our format a bit,

instead of playing the game, we’re just gonna declare you

the champion and give you one thousand dollars.

Wow! Ha-Haaa!

Here’s today’s showcase, spend your thousand

on whatever you want.

Oh Cool uhm, I-I’ll take the color TV for 300.

Alright that leaves you with 700.

And let’s see, uh, I’ll take the color TV for 300.

(Soft laughter)

Fine, that leaves you with 400.

Oh! Wow! A color TV! I need one of those!

(Laughter)

And the final hundred will carry over!

And now it’s time for the celebrity Lightning round,

so Jeff meet your celebrity partner,

mister Tony Randall!

(Music and cheers)

Thank you!

Thank you!

(Cheers and applause)

Wow!

Wow!

Oh!

Oh! I can’t- I don’t- I don’t know, I don’t know how-!

Tony Randall! I am a big fan of yours!

Nice to meet you Jeff.

Oh!

Okay, gentlemen you know the rules!

Jeff will give the clues and Tony will receive.

Wow!

Tony Randall! Hey!

I am a big fan of yours!

Good. Thank you.

Oh, could I have your autograph please- please- please- please-

Now?

Yes! Yes! Please- please- please- please. Please!

There you go!

What is this?

(Soft laughter)

"Tony Randall"?

What you just hand these out to people you meet?

That’s a little sad.

(Laughter)

You just asked me for it!

You begged!

Oh!

Tony Randall!

(Laughter)

Okay just.. just deal with him, Tony okay?

Alright, Jeff ten clues for 45 seconds

and if you get them all

Jeff you will go home with $10.000

Oh, great! I really need a color TV.

(Laughter)

Alright, just let’s get started Go!

Okay um, okay uh, You- you- you- you slip these on- on your feet

Yes! Sock!

Okay, okay Boy! Uhm, okay!

These- these- you- you- you- pull on over your feet

and- and- and you- pull--

Socks! We just got them!

Okay! Great, okay. Alright

Uhm, alright, okay you- you- wear these on your feet and uh-

We’ve got that one already go on!

Hey! Are you Tony Randall?

(Laughter)

Of course, I am!

Wow! Could I have your autograph please- please- please- please-

No!

Well, somebody is not as big as a star

as they think they are.

(Laughter)

Witt, are you listening to this?

Just play the game Jeff you only have

a few seconds left now come on!

A few seconds? Everyone else gets a minute!

Come on, give me a clue!

(Buzz)

Alright, alright, okay.

These, you put on over your feet and, and,

Alright I’m sorry, you’re time’s up.

Oh, nice going it was "Sock" you brainiac!

(Laughter)

Ah, Jeff that’s all the time we have here for today

but don’t worry we’ll be back tomorrow to defend your title

and pair up with Tony again, right Tony?

Just a moment please---

Hello---

I’m Tony Randall.

Tony Randall!!! Wow!

Yes!

And you’re Jeff Morrow aren’t you!

Yeah! Yeah!

I am! But how did you know that?

Oh, I know a lot of things about you.

I know you’re from San Bernardino!

Yeah! I am!

And I also know

that you’re life is in great danger,

and that you must leave the country

as fast as possible!

Oh no! Are you sure?

Oh, yes I’m sure!

I also know that you’re from San Bernardino!

Hey! I am!

Wow!

I’ve got to get out of here! Thanks!

(Cheers and applause)

That was brilliant!

I don’t know what to say!

Well stage trainee you know

you’ll learn a thing on your feet.

Once when I was playing M. Butterfly,

a women stood up in the audience and exposed herself-

Hey!

Did I hear Tony Randall, I did!

I’m a big fan of yours!

Can I get your autograph please- please- please- please- please-

* "He’ll win you yet *

* And then he’ll forget *

* That he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory." *

(Cheers and applause)

(Don Pardo speaking) And, now, "Weekend Update" with anchorperson, Dennis Miller!

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Good evening, and what can I tell you?

This week, after ordering

the release of all foreign hostages,

Iraqi President Saddam Hussein reiterated his vow

to never get out of Kuwait -- that’s final.

Hearing the news while visiting South America,

President Bush bristled and, in an effort to send Hussein

a strong message, squeezed a piece of anthracite coal

into a diamond.

(Laughter)

Twenty-three of the departing hostages

were about to leave today but, when they found out

their flight was on Northwest Airlines,

they chose to stay.

(Laughter and applause)

Iraqi Airports---

one of the few airports in the world

where they have a metal detector

when you get off the plane.

(Laughter)

In the Persian Gulf this week,

some of the U.S. Army soldiers

were tricked into selling their M-1 tank

for a bag of, quote, "magic sand."

(Laughter)

The - the soldiers now plan to trade an Apache helicopter

for some "magic water" because without magic water,

the magic sand just won’t work.

(Laughter)

And actress Brooke Shields was denied a visa this week

to visit our troops in Saudi Arabia

for the holidays.

Spokesmen in the Gulf said,

"First off, she’s a beautiful young woman.

"Secondly, she often wears scanty clothing.

"And third, and most importantly, did you see Blue Lagoon?

What in the hell was THAT all about?"

(Laughter)

The United States has begun a secret airlift of a group

of anti-Qaddafi Libyans living in Chad.

In a related story,

the Anti-Qaddafi Libyans Living in Chad

said that their new album,

"We are the Anti-Qaddafi Libyans Living in Chad"

will be out in late January.

And, you know, if you haven’t seen

the Anti-Qaddafi Libyans Living in Chadlive,

you are really missing something.

(Laughter)

General Colin Powell,

Chairman of the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff,

met this week with British Prime Minister

John Major to talk about the Gulf crisis

at 10 Downing Street.

Powell then went to the suburbs of London where he inspected

a dirty Q-Tip factory.

(Laughter)

The FBI monitored over fourteen hundred telephone calls

made by General Manuel Noriega

from his prison cell between February and November.

The FBI expressed concern over language it believed

may have included encoded messages

concerning drug and money transfers

such as the following passage:

"Tell the Domino’s Pizza in Bogota

"that I want ten thousand grams of their best pizza

"delivered to my friend Jaime Escolar in Miami.

(Laughter)

"He is very, very hungry and will pay in cash

or deutschmarks."

(Laughter)

Pope John Paul II appeared on the balcony

in Vatican City this week

to speak an encyclical

to over three hundred thousand people

but then turned and ran in confusion

when the crowd greeted him with Arsenio’s

" woof woof woof" thing

(Laughter)

(Cheers and applause)

In an effort to diminish further misunderstanding,

Jewish and Catholic leaders met at the Vatican this week

to begin a dialogue.

Here are some of the dialogue excerpts:

"You did, too, kill Him."

"We did not."

"Did, too!"

"Did not!"

The two groups hope

to reach an agreement sometime next century.

(Laughter)

To help relieve the Russian food crisis,

the U.S. has been sending as much aid as they can afford.

Thirty thousand cases of black licorice,

a similar amount of prune juice, and a couple cases of beets

have been sent over so far.

And there are plans to send more stuff nobody here likes --

and they’re now underway.

(Laughter)

After weeks of mounting tension, a million dollars at stake,

and the World Chess Championship on the line,

Garry Kasparov went berserk yesterday,

took off all of his clothes and yelled, " Yahtzee!"

(Laughter)

(Laughter and applause)

Thank you. Thank you.

Ladies?

Beware of this man.

He will attempt to romance you away from your husband.

(Laughter)

And the New York City Board of Education is considering

a cucumber curriculum - curriculum

(Laughter)

in order to teach students how to use condoms.

It has devised a program in which students will be given

two condoms and a cucumber or a zucchini on which

to put the condom to demonstrate how it is used.

(Laughter)

A student body spokesman, Billy Eckhart, said,

"Great. I got enough peer pressure.

"Now, I’ve gotta spend the rest of my life

trying to live up to vegetables."

(Laughter)

Yeah. Isn’t there--?

(Cheers and applause)

Isn’t there some way we can demonstrate these things

on those baby corns you get at Thairestaurants?"

(Laughter)

And Christie’s auction house

on Manhattan’s East Side this week,

auctioned off Dan Quayle at their annual Curiosity Sale.

(Cheers and applause)

Quayle brought thirty-eight dollars and forty cents

at the auction but was returned later

in the day by an unidentified buyer from Houston, Texas

because he said the Vice President was broken.

(Laughter)

Singer Sinead O’Connor this week

told journalist Marcelle Clements

that she has a preference for black men.

The singer said, " I don’t just like black men,

"I like dark-skinned men with dark hair, dark features.

"They must be over thirty years old,

drug free and have plenty of facial hair."

When contacted, junkman Fred Sanford said,

"I’m comin’, Sinead!

This is the big one, baby!"

(Cheers and applause)

And Edward Scissorhands and Captain Hook

were both killed this week

when they high-fived each other

at an apres-premiere party

at New York City’s Hard Rock Cafe.

Well, you know what?

It’s that time of the year, folks, and to get you

into the festive spirit a little early,

I thought I’d sing a Christmas carol.

Assisting me will, of course, be... me.

Hey, squeeb-squaw.

Hey, keakoe---

(Laughter)

You wanna try "Jingle Bells"?

I think we need three part harmony for that one,

baba ganoush---

(Laughter)

Baba ganoush?

Hey, lighten up, Captain Hairdo.

You’re the one who talks like this, okaaaaay?

All right, bring up the new guy.,

Hey, waterpick!

(Mumbling)

All right. Let’s - let’s - let’s - let’s - let’s jus---

(Cheers and applause)

Let’s just sing this song, okay?

Hey, chill out, Mitch Miller!

Okay, Quak-a-po-keek-ko-quawk.

All right, all right.

(Laughter)

Let me give you the tone here.

(Harmonica tone)

Ho, ho, where’d you pick that up?

Juilliard, babe?

(Laughter) (Mumbling)

I’ve created an attitude monster.

Let’s just sing, all right?

Okay.

One, two, three---

* ingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way *

* Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh *

Babe!

* Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way *

* Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh *

* Dashing through the snow *

* In a one horse open sleigh *

* Over the fields we go *

* Laughing all the way! Ha ha! *

* Bells on Bob-tail’s ring *

Hey, what the hell’s a "bob-tail," cha-cha?

* Don’t be a big pain in the ass *

* Just sing the freakin’ song *

* Ho! *

* Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way *

* Babe! *

* Oh, what fun--- *

(Mumbling)

Enough! Enough! Enough!

* Oh, what fun it is to ride, in a one horse open sleigh! *

(Together) Guess what, folks?

That’s the news and we are out of here!

(Music and cheers)

Hello, my friends, I’m A Whitney Brown.

And you know, once again we’re right between

my two favorite times of the year;

Christmas because it’s the season

of goodwill to all mankind,

and Deer season, because you can shoot at things.

(Laughter)

You know I like to hunt, even though I’m a vegetarian.

Actually it makes even easier, because plants are a lot easier

to sneak up on.

(Laughter)

But, what makes Christmas such a special holiday for me,

is that get to cut down my own Christmas tree.

But, I stalk it for a few hours first.

I got a a seventy-eight pointer last year,

surprised him in a clearing.

He was just standing there, growing and throwing off oxygen

like there was no tomorrow, dreaming his evergreen dreams.

Oh, he was smart.

He thought he’d be safe there in front of that church.

(Laughter)

But, I hacked him down and strap him

to the hood of my car, but when I got him home,

he was still alive.

Now, I suppose the sportsman like thing to do

would have been to put him out of his misery,

but ’twas the season to be jolly.

So, I put him in water to make sure he didn’t die too quickly.

(Laughter)

Then I drilled thumbscrews

into his trunk blinking lights night and day

to make sure he didnt oversleep.

(Laughter)

And I dressed him up like a geek.

Ridiculous looking, balls hanging all over him,

strings of silver junk on his branches.

I gave him a sporting chance.

I said, "Go ahead, make a break for it."

You’re gonna blend right in out of the woods

with that, junk hanging off you.

(Laughter)

And the whole family piled presents at his feet,

and, just for a tease, I told them they were his.

While the rest of us celebrated the season of peace and goodwill

to all mankind, he withered and died in my living room.

Leaving behind his one last gift,

the sweet scent of his... body

in the air he help to create.

Finally, I ditched him in my neighbor’s yard.

(Laughter)

And now as Christmas rolls around again

I think back on that tree.

I don’t miss it, I just think back

on how much fun I had killing it.

Its a wonderful time of year, Christmas.

Thank you very much and have a Merry one.

(Cheers and applause)

I’d like to thank, Edie Brickell and New Bohemians.

(Cheers and applause)

I’d like to thank, Mr. Steve Martin.

(Cheers and applause)

Mr. Paul Simon,

(Cheers and applause)

Mr. Ralph Nader,

Mr. Elliot Gould,

Mr. Tony Randall,

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you everybody.

See you on number 6!

(Music and cheers)

Good night!

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)