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(Don Pardo speaking)Last week NBC News emphasized,the use of sanction
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and urge restraint in theconfrontation with Iraq.
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Here, with an opposingviewpoint is Mr. Subliminal.
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What should the US do about
Saddam Hussein - lobotomy.
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One strategy has been the
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congressional approved
economic sanction
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- waste of time.
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Because obviously nobody
wants war - Republicans.
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According to President Bush
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(Laughter)
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According to President Bush,
nothing is more important
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than human lives - oil.
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But I think to avoid war -
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(Laughter)
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I think in order to avoid war,
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we need to give Hussein a face
saving way to leave Kuwait -
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body bag.
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And I have to say
in all honesty.
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(Cheers and applause)
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I’ve got to say President Bush’s
certainly showing a lot patience
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- pussy.
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And now he’s finally set a
deadline for January 15 -
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bunch of crap.
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And if Mr. Hussein -
if Mr. Hussein promises
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to pull out - fat chance.
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We should give him a chance.
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You know we got to take him at
his word as we would anyone else
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- Milli Vanilli.
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And at least he’s,
he’s agreed---
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(Cheers and applause)
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he’s agreed to release
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all the hostages - big deal.
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And all in all though
I’ve got to say
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the important thing to remember
is world peace - Nuke ’em.
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To maintain it the US just
have to make a sacrifice -
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Dan Qualye.
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And if there is a war---
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(Cheers and applause)
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if there’s a war
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it’s comforting to know
that we’d be getting help
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from our allies - Kenny asses.
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And then we’d have to answer,
we’d have to answer the question
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what’s the best weapon to
use to topple a power hungry,
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megalomaniac like
Hussein - Marla Maples.
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And if you’re listening,
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if you’re listening
Mr. Hussein pervert.
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I personally think that you
should find something
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better to do with your time
- 7 - 11
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And then maybe the rest of us
- the rest of us could then
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get back enjoying our
lives - hot sex.
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So, in this joyous season
of giving - receiving
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I think it’s important
to remember in the long run -
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Live From New York.
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Everything will turn out
okay - Its Saturday Night.
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(Music and cheers)
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(Music)
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It’s Saturday Night Live!
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(Music)
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With Dana Carvey.
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Phil Hartman.
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Jan Hooks
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Victoria Jackson
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Dennis Miller
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Mike Myers
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And Kevin Nealon
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With Chris Farley
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Chris Rock
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Julia Sweeney
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And featuring A. Whitney Brown
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G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.
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Musical guest, Edie Brickelland New Bohemians
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And starring Tom Hanks
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(Music)
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Ladies and gentlemen,
Tom Hanks!
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(Music)
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(Cheers and applause)
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
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(Cheers and applause)
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Thank you.
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Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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Thank you.
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Thank you, thank you,
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I can’t tell you
how happy I am to be back
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on "Saturday Night Live"
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Now believe it or not, this is
the fifth "Saturday Night Live"
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I have been lucky
enough to host. Number 5.
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(Cheers and applause)
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Wow, thank you!
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Thank you, thank you
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Now, the first time you
do the show,
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you can’t believe you’re here.
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You can’t believe it!
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Your head buzzes
with excitement like that.
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And---
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the second time you do the show,
it means you were funny enough
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to be asked back -
and you’re pushing a movie.
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Uhm---
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(Laughter)
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The third time you do the
show, the second time
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didn’t go so well, and you have
something to prove to yourself.
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The fourth time you do the show,
you’re just blatantly
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pushing a movie.
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But the fifth time,
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The fifth time you do the show,
is the most special of all
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because you get one of this
a membership card
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in the Five-TimersClub.
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(Laughter)
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I want you to come with me right
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and I’m gonna give you
a chance to look in
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on one of the most exclusive
clubs in the world.
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Welcome, Mr. Hanks.
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Once again, congratulations
on your fifth appearance.
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Oh, well!
Thank you, Thank you.
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Would you like your
club robe now?
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Oh, sure yeah, yeah you bet!
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Thank you uhm---
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Sean---
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Sean.
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Oh wait.
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Tom!
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Congratulations!
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(Cheers and applause)
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Congratulations!
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Congratulations and
welcome aboard!
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Thank you, Mr. Simon.
Thank you.
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00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,773
Uhm, please, call me Paul.
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Okay!
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Paul.
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You know,
we’ve had our eye on you
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ever since your third show.
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(Laughter)
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Everybody felt quite confident
that you’re going to make the 5.
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Oh, well thank you,
that’s very flattering.
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Yes. There was some
concern after
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"Joe Vs. The Volcano",
But,
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(Laughter)
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Everyone has---
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Anyway, good for you!
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Thank you, thank you,
very much.
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00:06:03,763 --> 00:06:04,898
Why don’t you step into
the reading room
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I think you’ll like it.
Steve!
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Steve, look who’s joined us!
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(Cheers and applause)
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Wow!
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(Cheers and applause)
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Well, Tom, old bean,
that robe fits you smashingly.
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Oh!
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(Laughter)
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Thanks, Mr. Martin.
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Oh, please, call me
Mr. Steve Martin.
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(Laughter)
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Well, thanks, Mr.
Steve Martin.
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(Laughing)
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(Laughter)
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Oh, I gues someone needs
to learn the club handshake.
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(Soft laughter)
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I, 2, 3, 4, 5.
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You’re great!
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You were great!
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(Laughter)
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Tom, sit down.
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You know, I hope you appreciate
the responsibility it takes
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being a fiver.
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Let’s be frank - it takes
a certain caliber of performer
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to achieve that
very special 5th show.
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Hey, Steven!
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You really ought to take a dip.
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(Cheers and applause)
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The pool’s a perfect
80 degrees.
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He practically lives here.
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Tom Hanks!
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Welcome aboard!
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Oh thank you Mr. Gould.
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Oh, 1,2,3,4,5.
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You’re great.
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You’re great!
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(Cheers and applause)
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Mazeltov, old man.
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You know, it is
a little bit easier
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to get number five these days.
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Nothing against you, Tom.
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Let’s get you fixed up.
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Care for some supper?
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Oh, sure!
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Waiter!
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Here you are, Mr. Gould.
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Mr. Hanks.
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(Cheers and applause)
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Jon, Jon Lovitz, you
work here?
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Hey, hey, work is work.
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(Laughter)
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Uhm, I’ll have the Chevy Chase,
and easy on the ham this time.
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(Laughter)
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Good idea, Mr. Steve Martin.
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Wow.
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So many choices here.
What do I do?
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Try the Anthony Michael Hall.
It’s surprisingly good.
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(Laughter)
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Uhm... I’ll have the
Joe Piscopo.
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Really?
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And to drink?
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Uhm... I’ll just have a beer.
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Anyone else?
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Well let me have
a Jenny Craig protein shake.
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(Soft laughter)
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Jon, we’re having that
problem again at the door.
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Alright, I’ll take care of it.
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(Clearing throat)
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Mr. Nader,
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(Cheers and applause)
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I’ve told you---
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(Applause)
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again and again this club
is for members only.
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00:09:02,609 --> 00:09:05,011
But I’ve hosted the
show! I swear!
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00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:08,148
I’m sorry, sir,
five-timers only.
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See.. there’s Steve Martin,
there’s Paul Simon---
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Tom Hanks just joined!
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Out!
Everybody out!
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00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:19,459
Get out!
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(Cheers and applause)
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I got rid of him, gentlemen.
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Very good, Jon.
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(Soft laughter)
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I smell something burning.
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My muffins!
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(Laughter)
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Well, listen everybody,
this has been a thrill,
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but I better head out, finish
the rest of the monologue.
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What are you talking about Tom?
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You can do it from here.
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I can?
233
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Well of course!
You’re a five-timer!
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You can phone it in!
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(Laughter)
236
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Really?
237
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,393
Mr. Elliott, hand him
the club phone.
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Here this is a direct line
to the studio.
239
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:57,330
Oh, great!
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Say whatever you want!
Make yourself comfortable.
241
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Say hello for me.
242
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:05,038
Uhm, okay. Uh...
we’ve got a great show!
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00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:06,006
Uhm---
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00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:08,675
(Cheers and applause)
245
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:11,578
Edie Brickell and
New Bohemians are here!
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00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,380
(Cheers and applause)
247
00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:14,447
(Cross talking)
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We’ll be right back!
249
00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:19,686
(Cheers and applause)
250
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Boy, do I love
leftover night.
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Uh!
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Oh! Oh, jeez!
253
00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:36,670
(Laughter)
254
00:10:36,703 --> 00:10:39,939
Oh, how old is that milk
it is really bad?
255
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:42,409
Let me see what are you
talking about,
256
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,577
Oh, my!
257
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Whoa!
258
00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:48,181
Oh, you aren’t kidding.
259
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:49,716
Let me try, let me try.
260
00:10:49,749 --> 00:10:51,384
(Laughter)
261
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Oh baby whoa!
262
00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:55,455
Here let me try.
263
00:10:57,090 --> 00:11:00,660
Whoa, that’s bad! Yuck!
Whoa!
264
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:02,095
It must have been in the back
of the fridge
265
00:11:02,128 --> 00:11:04,297
what I guess maybe
a month or so.
266
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,466
You know I don’t think
this leftover flounder
267
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,535
is too good either.
268
00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:10,403
Whoa, woo, ho hoa, wow!
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Really?
270
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:12,839
Not good!
271
00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:14,774
But it should be alright,
let me see.
272
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,712
Whoa, baby, oh, that is bad.
273
00:11:18,745 --> 00:11:20,280
Come on, it can’t be that bad,
274
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:23,983
Let me see - ay Chihuahua
that’s ammonia.
275
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:24,851
That’s ammonia.
276
00:11:24,884 --> 00:11:25,985
Alright, let me see, let me see.
277
00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:28,755
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh sweet
hosanna oh that is foul!
278
00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:31,091
Oh, oh!
279
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:31,958
Oh, hey Kevin.
280
00:11:31,991 --> 00:11:33,093
Hey Kevin.
281
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:34,094
(Laughing)
282
00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:36,863
What in the world
have you been doing?
283
00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:38,732
I’m just doing some situps.
284
00:11:38,765 --> 00:11:40,567
Boy did I workup a sweat.
285
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:41,768
(Laughter)Oh.
286
00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:45,005
Hey dad, feel how
wet this is.
287
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:47,340
Oh, whoa, whoa!
288
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:48,942
Oh, you are softened.
289
00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:50,877
Let me see, let me
see, pull it up.
290
00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:51,945
Ow!
291
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:54,514
Let me see, let me see.
292
00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:56,816
(Laughter)
293
00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:59,319
Oh, give me a break.
294
00:11:59,352 --> 00:12:01,855
Hey, Kevin, Kevin,
you got to try this milk man.
295
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:04,057
This is so far gone it’s unreal.
296
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:04,791
(Laughing)
297
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:08,461
Oh! Ohoho!
298
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:12,132
Oh! Stop the music, that
is bad.
299
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,400
Dad try this.
300
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:16,770
Oh no thanks I already
- oh alright, alright.
301
00:12:16,803 --> 00:12:18,171
Whoa, whoa momma!
302
00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:20,273
Oh, oh take me
home now. Uh!
303
00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:24,644
Ow, there’s a needle
sticking out of this.
304
00:12:24,678 --> 00:12:25,512
Whoa!
305
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:27,280
Let me see.
306
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:28,748
Ow wow!
307
00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:30,950
Oh yeah this sure is honey.
308
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:32,819
What? Okay.
309
00:12:32,852 --> 00:12:35,321
Wow! Oh boy that is sharp.
310
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:38,091
That is really sharp.
311
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,526
Wait a minute,
I got a whiff of something.
312
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:40,560
(Soft laughter)
313
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:41,861
I think it’s the kitty litter.
314
00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:45,699
(Pushing box)
315
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:51,471
Oh, have mercy! Whoa!
316
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,440
Come over here and smell this?
317
00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,809
Ugh, zippy di do dah!
318
00:12:55,842 --> 00:12:59,379
Oh, oh! Kids, kids, come here
you got to check this out.
319
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:00,046
Whoa!
320
00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:01,147
(Laughing)
321
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:04,117
(Everybody)
Oh! Whoa! Uh!
322
00:13:04,150 --> 00:13:07,120
Okay, okay, alright, alright
Kevin o downstairs
323
00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:08,855
and get us a new
kitty litter alright?
324
00:13:08,888 --> 00:13:09,522
Sure dad.
325
00:13:10,724 --> 00:13:12,792
(Opening door)
326
00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:16,730
(Falls down the stairs)
327
00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:19,833
Kevin, Kevin are you okay?
328
00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:22,969
(Footsteps down the stairs)
329
00:13:23,069 --> 00:13:26,072
Oh, I’m in pain.
330
00:13:26,072 --> 00:13:28,475
Talk about your broken steps.
331
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,076
Where? Where?
332
00:13:30,076 --> 00:13:34,214
(Falls down the stairs)
333
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:35,615
Oh, there!
334
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:38,184
(Footsteps up the stairs)
335
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,152
Uh, what did I tell you?
336
00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:39,986
Yeah.
337
00:13:40,086 --> 00:13:41,254
Is that dangerous or what?
338
00:13:41,287 --> 00:13:43,189
Yeah, I got to get that fixed.
339
00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:44,257
Honey.
340
00:13:44,290 --> 00:13:46,259
(Laughter)
341
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:50,864
(Falls down the stairs)
342
00:13:50,897 --> 00:13:52,432
(Soft laughter)
343
00:13:55,301 --> 00:13:56,803
(Soft laughter)
344
00:13:58,304 --> 00:14:00,473
Alright, alright, kids
now that’s enough.
345
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,075
Come on, tomorrow’s
a school day.
346
00:14:02,108 --> 00:14:03,476
(Footsteps up the stairs)
347
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:04,844
Oh, dad!
348
00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:07,480
Oh, honey, I am one
gigantic bruise.
349
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,149
Oh, tell me about it.
350
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:10,517
Somebody ought
to fix that thing.
351
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:11,818
Alright, goodnight kids.
352
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:12,819
Goodnight dad.
353
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,054
Goodnight. Goodnight!
354
00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:15,388
Aren’t you coming to bed, honey?
355
00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:17,857
Oh, honey, I’ll be up
in just a minute or so.
356
00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:18,758
Okay, I love you.
357
00:14:18,792 --> 00:14:19,626
Oh, I love you, too.
358
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:22,662
(Sigh)
359
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:30,704
Whoa! Ow!
360
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:34,941
Whoa! Ow! Whoa! Ow!
361
00:14:34,974 --> 00:14:36,943
(Cheers and applause)
362
00:14:36,976 --> 00:14:39,245
(Music and applause)
363
00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:42,716
(Don Pardo speaking)It’s time once againfor Game Beaters
364
00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:46,386
Here’s your host, Witt Trildy!
365
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,254
(Cheers and applause)
366
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:51,691
Hello, everybody!
Hello, contestants!
367
00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:53,727
Thank you! Thank you!
368
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:56,830
We’ve got a lot of prizes
to win, so let’s dive
369
00:14:56,863 --> 00:14:58,798
right into our first question.
370
00:14:58,832 --> 00:15:01,801
Hands over buzzers, please.
371
00:15:01,835 --> 00:15:03,737
"Who was the only
American President
372
00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:07,040
to serve two
non-consecutive terms?"
373
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:08,675
(Buzz)
374
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:09,509
Jeff!
375
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:11,044
Yes!
376
00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,712
(Laughter)
377
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:14,314
Don’t you have an answer?
378
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:17,784
Well, I will just
as soon as I hear a question!
379
00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:19,352
(Music)
380
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:22,288
* "Mr. Short-Term Memory. *
381
00:15:22,322 --> 00:15:26,059
* He shouldn’t have stoodunder that pear tree. *
382
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:28,695
* Now there’s just no remedy. *
383
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:30,463
* He’ll frustrate you so *
384
00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:32,198
* But he’ll never know. *
385
00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:38,338
* ’Cause he’s Mr.Short-Term Memory." *
386
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:44,277
Tonight’sepisode"TheGame Show "
387
00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:46,546
Okay, we’ll get back to
our questions in a minute
388
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:48,181
but first let’s meet
our contestants
389
00:15:48,214 --> 00:15:50,784
I’m Jeff Morrow from
San Bernardino, California
390
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,786
Beautiful weather up there!
391
00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:54,087
Up where?
392
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:55,622
S-San Bernardino.
393
00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:56,956
Hey I’m from San Bernardino!
394
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:58,091
I’m from there!
395
00:15:58,091 --> 00:15:59,325
You should visit up there
sometime
396
00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:00,760
the weather there is lovely.
397
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,028
(Laughter)
398
00:16:02,028 --> 00:16:03,897
Okay! And your opponent?
399
00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:06,166
Susan Carlisle from
Reading, Pennsylvania!
400
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:07,467
Welcome, Susan.
401
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:10,236
And I’m Jeff Morrow from
San Bernardino, California
402
00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:11,404
(Laughter)
403
00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:12,839
Alright!
404
00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:16,543
Well let’s go back
and try that question again :
405
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:18,578
"Who was the only President
406
00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:21,047
to serve two
non-consecutive terms?"
407
00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:22,115
(Buzz)
408
00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:25,051
Okay, Jeff what’s
your answer?
409
00:16:25,051 --> 00:16:26,119
To what?
410
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,053
The question!
411
00:16:27,053 --> 00:16:28,188
Can you answer the question?
412
00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:29,823
Why, you giving me
the third degree,
413
00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:31,358
I didn’t do anything?
414
00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:33,159
Jeff your on Game Beaters
here, you’re a contestant.
415
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:34,928
I am? Oh my God! Yes!
416
00:16:34,961 --> 00:16:36,496
Ha-Ha! Alright! Alright!
Alright!
417
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:40,133
(Laughing insane)
418
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,268
Alright let’s star the
game! Witt!
419
00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:45,705
(Laughter)
420
00:16:45,739 --> 00:16:48,675
Uh... Welcome to the game Jeff!
421
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:49,976
We’ve uh---
422
00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:51,244
changed the format a bit.
423
00:16:51,277 --> 00:16:53,113
We don’t play
the buzzer round anymore
424
00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:55,181
and we’re gonna go right
to the elimination question.
425
00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:56,449
(Laughter)
426
00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:57,717
Wow, that’s a quick game!
427
00:16:57,751 --> 00:16:58,752
Yes, yes it is.
428
00:16:58,785 --> 00:17:00,020
Contestants!
429
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:03,289
Get ready to write down
your answer to this question:
430
00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:09,062
"What country gave us the
Statue of Liberty?"
431
00:17:09,095 --> 00:17:14,901
(Bell rings)
432
00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:16,369
Okay, now we’re rolling!
433
00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:18,104
Jeff, what’s the answer?
434
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:21,074
Well, I’m afraid I’m gonna have
to disqualify myself
435
00:17:21,107 --> 00:17:24,678
as someone has already written
"France" on my card.
436
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:25,812
(Laughter)
437
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:27,781
Could I possibly get
a fresh one?
438
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:31,251
I mean, this is a
network show, isn’t it?
439
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:32,686
(Laughter)
440
00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:34,354
No, "France" is correct.
441
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:35,889
Susan, what’s your answer?
442
00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:37,957
Uh, I wrote "Canada"
443
00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:40,393
(Laughter)
444
00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:41,628
Great!
445
00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:43,396
(Laughter)
446
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:47,267
Well, Jeff, that’s makes you
our champion so you get to stay
447
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:49,169
and keep playing.
448
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:49,869
I’m sorry.
449
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:51,538
Just- Just go!
450
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,073
(Laughter)
451
00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:54,374
Hey, where is she going?
452
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,643
You haven’t even asked us
a question yet!
453
00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:02,015
Jeff, we’ve changed
our format a bit,
454
00:18:02,015 --> 00:18:03,917
instead of playing the game,
we’re just gonna declare you
455
00:18:04,017 --> 00:18:05,685
the champion and give you
one thousand dollars.
456
00:18:05,719 --> 00:18:09,589
Wow! Ha-Haaa!
457
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:12,125
Here’s today’s showcase,
spend your thousand
458
00:18:12,158 --> 00:18:13,526
on whatever you want.
459
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:18,732
Oh Cool uhm, I-I’ll takethe color TV for 300.
460
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,533
Alright that leaves
you with 700.
461
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:24,204
And let’s see, uh,
I’ll take the color TV for 300.
462
00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:26,039
(Soft laughter)
463
00:18:26,039 --> 00:18:27,874
Fine, that leaves you with 400.
464
00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:30,844
Oh! Wow! A color TV!
I need one of those!
465
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,345
(Laughter)
466
00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:34,748
And the final hundred
will carry over!
467
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:37,584
And now it’s time for the
celebrity Lightning round,
468
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:40,153
so Jeff meet your
celebrity partner,
469
00:18:40,186 --> 00:18:41,921
mister Tony Randall!
470
00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:44,124
(Music and cheers)
471
00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:50,764
Thank you!
472
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:51,698
Thank you!
473
00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:55,535
(Cheers and applause)
474
00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:59,072
Wow!
475
00:18:59,105 --> 00:19:00,173
Wow!
476
00:19:00,206 --> 00:19:01,708
Oh!
477
00:19:01,741 --> 00:19:04,244
Oh! I can’t- I don’t-
I don’t know, I don’t know how-!
478
00:19:04,277 --> 00:19:07,080
Tony Randall!
I am a big fan of yours!
479
00:19:07,113 --> 00:19:08,148
Nice to meet you Jeff.
480
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:08,915
Oh!
481
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,686
Okay, gentlemen
you know the rules!
482
00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:15,522
Jeff will give the clues
and Tony will receive.
483
00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:16,790
Wow!
484
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,325
Tony Randall! Hey!
485
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:20,226
I am a big fan of yours!
486
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:21,695
Good. Thank you.
487
00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:24,864
Oh, could I have your autograph
please- please- please- please-
488
00:19:24,898 --> 00:19:26,032
Now?
489
00:19:26,066 --> 00:19:32,405
Yes! Yes! Please- please-
please- please. Please!
490
00:19:32,439 --> 00:19:33,239
There you go!
491
00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:35,342
What is this?
492
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:35,942
(Soft laughter)
493
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:37,277
"Tony Randall"?
494
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:40,146
What you just hand these out
to people you meet?
495
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,648
That’s a little sad.
496
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,783
(Laughter)
497
00:19:47,721 --> 00:19:49,723
You just asked me for it!
498
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:50,390
You begged!
499
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:51,324
Oh!
500
00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:52,759
Tony Randall!
501
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:54,861
(Laughter)
502
00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:58,398
Okay just.. just deal
with him, Tony okay?
503
00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:00,500
Alright, Jeff ten clues
for 45 seconds
504
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:01,401
and if you get them all
505
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:04,270
Jeff you will go home
with $10.000
506
00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:07,340
Oh, great!
I really need a color TV.
507
00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:08,675
(Laughter)
508
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,643
Alright, just let’s
get started Go!
509
00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:16,149
Okay um, okay uh, You- you- you-
you slip these on- on your feet
510
00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:17,384
Yes!
Sock!
511
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:18,985
Okay, okay Boy! Uhm, okay!
512
00:20:19,019 --> 00:20:22,822
These- these- you- you- you-
pull on over your feet
513
00:20:22,856 --> 00:20:24,958
and- and- and you- pull--
514
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:26,359
Socks!
We just got them!
515
00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:27,861
Okay! Great, okay. Alright
516
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:33,333
Uhm, alright, okay you- you-
wear these on your feet and uh-
517
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:35,368
We’ve got that one already
go on!
518
00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:37,570
Hey! Are you Tony Randall?
519
00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:38,605
(Laughter)
520
00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:40,073
Of course, I am!
521
00:20:40,106 --> 00:20:43,677
Wow! Could I have your autograph
please- please- please- please-
522
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:44,978
No!
523
00:20:45,011 --> 00:20:46,746
Well, somebody is not
as big as a star
524
00:20:46,780 --> 00:20:48,214
as they think they are.
525
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:49,482
(Laughter)
526
00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:50,950
Witt, are you listening to this?
527
00:20:50,984 --> 00:20:51,918
Just play the game Jeff
you only have
528
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,153
a few seconds left now come on!
529
00:20:53,186 --> 00:20:55,255
A few seconds?
Everyone else gets a minute!
530
00:20:55,288 --> 00:20:56,122
Come on, give me a clue!
531
00:20:56,156 --> 00:20:56,890
(Buzz)
532
00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:58,024
Alright, alright, okay.
533
00:20:58,058 --> 00:20:59,959
These, you put on
over your feet and, and,
534
00:21:00,060 --> 00:21:01,895
Alright I’m sorry,
you’re time’s up.
535
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:04,064
Oh, nice going it was
"Sock" you brainiac!
536
00:21:04,064 --> 00:21:06,099
(Laughter)
537
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:09,436
Ah, Jeff that’s all the time
we have here for today
538
00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:13,173
but don’t worry we’ll be back
tomorrow to defend your title
539
00:21:13,206 --> 00:21:15,542
and pair up with Tony again,
right Tony?
540
00:21:15,575 --> 00:21:17,610
Just a moment please---
541
00:21:17,644 --> 00:21:18,845
Hello---
542
00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:19,813
I’m Tony Randall.
543
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:21,247
Tony Randall!!! Wow!
544
00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:22,549
Yes!
545
00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:24,084
And you’re Jeff
Morrow aren’t you!
546
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:25,185
Yeah! Yeah!
547
00:21:25,218 --> 00:21:26,319
I am!
But how did you know that?
548
00:21:26,353 --> 00:21:27,554
Oh, I know a lot of
things about you.
549
00:21:27,587 --> 00:21:29,222
I know you’re from
San Bernardino!
550
00:21:29,255 --> 00:21:30,256
Yeah! I am!
551
00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:31,491
And I also know
552
00:21:31,524 --> 00:21:33,893
that you’re life
is in great danger,
553
00:21:33,927 --> 00:21:35,362
and that you
must leave the country
554
00:21:35,395 --> 00:21:36,429
as fast as possible!
555
00:21:36,463 --> 00:21:37,931
Oh no! Are you sure?
556
00:21:37,964 --> 00:21:39,666
Oh, yes I’m sure!
557
00:21:39,699 --> 00:21:41,534
I also know that you’re from
San Bernardino!
558
00:21:41,568 --> 00:21:42,836
Hey! I am!
559
00:21:42,869 --> 00:21:44,104
Wow!
560
00:21:44,104 --> 00:21:45,705
I’ve got to get out of
here! Thanks!
561
00:21:47,107 --> 00:21:49,476
(Cheers and applause)
562
00:21:53,613 --> 00:21:55,448
That was brilliant!
563
00:21:55,482 --> 00:21:57,183
I don’t know what to say!
564
00:21:57,217 --> 00:21:58,918
Well stage trainee you know
565
00:21:58,952 --> 00:22:00,253
you’ll learn a thing
on your feet.
566
00:22:00,286 --> 00:22:02,055
Once when I was playing
M. Butterfly,
567
00:22:02,055 --> 00:22:03,957
a women stood up in the
audience and exposed herself-
568
00:22:04,057 --> 00:22:04,891
Hey!
569
00:22:04,924 --> 00:22:06,659
Did I hear Tony Randall, I did!
570
00:22:06,693 --> 00:22:08,128
I’m a big fan of yours!
571
00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:10,363
Can I get your autograph please-
please- please- please- please-
572
00:22:10,397 --> 00:22:11,631
* "He’ll win you yet *
573
00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:13,700
* And then he’ll forget *
574
00:22:13,733 --> 00:22:20,106
* That he’sMr. Short-Term Memory." *
575
00:22:20,140 --> 00:22:22,075
(Cheers and applause)
576
00:22:29,282 --> 00:22:33,753
(Don Pardo speaking)And, now, "Weekend Update" withanchorperson, Dennis Miller!
577
00:22:33,787 --> 00:22:36,456
(Cheers and applause)
578
00:22:41,995 --> 00:22:43,863
Thank you.
579
00:22:43,897 --> 00:22:46,366
Good evening,
and what can I tell you?
580
00:22:46,399 --> 00:22:47,867
This week, after ordering
581
00:22:47,901 --> 00:22:50,170
the release
of all foreign hostages,
582
00:22:50,203 --> 00:22:53,239
Iraqi President Saddam Hussein
reiterated his vow
583
00:22:53,273 --> 00:22:56,476
to never get out of Kuwait --
that’s final.
584
00:22:56,509 --> 00:22:58,445
Hearing the news while
visiting South America,
585
00:22:58,478 --> 00:23:01,448
President Bush bristled and,
in an effort to send Hussein
586
00:23:01,481 --> 00:23:04,684
a strong message, squeezed
a piece of anthracite coal
587
00:23:04,718 --> 00:23:05,819
into a diamond.
588
00:23:05,852 --> 00:23:07,420
(Laughter)
589
00:23:09,122 --> 00:23:11,358
Twenty-three
of the departing hostages
590
00:23:11,391 --> 00:23:13,727
were about to leave today
but, when they found out
591
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,695
their flight was
on Northwest Airlines,
592
00:23:15,729 --> 00:23:17,263
they chose to stay.
593
00:23:17,297 --> 00:23:20,300
(Laughter and applause)
594
00:23:22,435 --> 00:23:23,670
Iraqi Airports---
595
00:23:23,703 --> 00:23:25,405
one of the few airports
in the world
596
00:23:25,438 --> 00:23:26,806
where they have
a metal detector
597
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:28,141
when you get off the plane.
598
00:23:28,174 --> 00:23:29,476
(Laughter)
599
00:23:29,509 --> 00:23:30,910
In the Persian Gulf this week,
600
00:23:30,944 --> 00:23:32,545
some of the U.S. Army soldiers
601
00:23:32,579 --> 00:23:34,647
were tricked
into selling their M-1 tank
602
00:23:34,681 --> 00:23:37,450
for a bag of, quote,
"magic sand."
603
00:23:37,484 --> 00:23:39,986
(Laughter)
604
00:23:40,086 --> 00:23:43,990
The - the soldiers now plan
to trade an Apache helicopter
605
00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:46,826
for some "magic water"
because without magic water,
606
00:23:46,860 --> 00:23:49,095
the magic sand just won’t work.
607
00:23:49,095 --> 00:23:50,797
(Laughter)
608
00:23:50,830 --> 00:23:54,000
And actress Brooke Shields
was denied a visa this week
609
00:23:54,100 --> 00:23:55,635
to visit our troops
in Saudi Arabia
610
00:23:55,669 --> 00:23:56,569
for the holidays.
611
00:23:56,603 --> 00:23:57,937
Spokesmen in the Gulf
said,
612
00:23:57,971 --> 00:23:59,706
"First off, she’s a beautiful
young woman.
613
00:23:59,739 --> 00:24:02,676
"Secondly, she often
wears scanty clothing.
614
00:24:02,709 --> 00:24:05,445
"And third, and most
importantly, did you
see Blue Lagoon?
615
00:24:05,478 --> 00:24:07,147
What in the hell
was THAT all about?"
616
00:24:07,180 --> 00:24:09,149
(Laughter)
617
00:24:09,182 --> 00:24:12,419
The United States has begun
a secret airlift of a group
618
00:24:12,452 --> 00:24:15,422
of anti-Qaddafi Libyans
living in Chad.
619
00:24:15,455 --> 00:24:16,523
In a related story,
620
00:24:16,556 --> 00:24:18,692
the Anti-Qaddafi Libyans
Living in Chad
621
00:24:18,725 --> 00:24:20,193
said that their new album,
622
00:24:20,226 --> 00:24:23,196
"We are the Anti-QaddafiLibyans Living in Chad"
623
00:24:23,229 --> 00:24:25,065
will be out in late January.
624
00:24:25,098 --> 00:24:26,533
And, you know,
if you haven’t seen
625
00:24:26,566 --> 00:24:28,902
the Anti-Qaddafi LibyansLiving in Chadlive,
626
00:24:28,935 --> 00:24:30,870
you are really
missing something.
627
00:24:30,904 --> 00:24:32,072
(Laughter)
628
00:24:32,105 --> 00:24:33,373
General Colin Powell,
629
00:24:33,406 --> 00:24:35,075
Chairman of the U.S.
Joint Chiefs of Staff,
630
00:24:35,075 --> 00:24:36,576
met this week
with British Prime Minister
631
00:24:36,609 --> 00:24:38,712
John Major to talk about
the Gulf crisis
632
00:24:38,745 --> 00:24:40,280
at 10 Downing Street.
633
00:24:40,313 --> 00:24:43,216
Powell then went to the suburbs
of London where he inspected
634
00:24:43,249 --> 00:24:45,385
a dirty Q-Tip factory.
635
00:24:45,418 --> 00:24:47,454
(Laughter)
636
00:24:50,423 --> 00:24:53,593
The FBI monitored over
fourteen hundred telephone calls
637
00:24:53,626 --> 00:24:55,328
made by General Manuel Noriega
638
00:24:55,362 --> 00:24:58,098
from his prison cell between
February and November.
639
00:24:58,098 --> 00:25:01,234
The FBI expressed concern
over language it believed
640
00:25:01,267 --> 00:25:03,336
may have included
encoded messages
641
00:25:03,370 --> 00:25:05,438
concerning drug
and money transfers
642
00:25:05,472 --> 00:25:07,240
such as the
following passage:
643
00:25:07,273 --> 00:25:09,342
"Tell the Domino’s Pizzain Bogota
644
00:25:09,376 --> 00:25:12,545
"that I want ten thousandgrams of their best pizza
645
00:25:12,579 --> 00:25:14,447
"delivered to my friendJaime Escolar in Miami.
646
00:25:14,481 --> 00:25:15,782
(Laughter)
647
00:25:15,815 --> 00:25:18,818
"He is very, very hungryand will pay in cash
648
00:25:18,852 --> 00:25:20,053
or deutschmarks."
649
00:25:20,053 --> 00:25:21,388
(Laughter)
650
00:25:21,421 --> 00:25:23,490
Pope John Paul II appeared
on the balcony
651
00:25:23,523 --> 00:25:24,524
in Vatican City this week
652
00:25:24,557 --> 00:25:25,759
to speak an encyclical
653
00:25:25,792 --> 00:25:27,427
to over three hundred
thousand people
654
00:25:27,460 --> 00:25:30,063
but then turned
and ran in confusion
655
00:25:30,063 --> 00:25:31,898
when the crowd greeted him
with Arsenio’s
656
00:25:31,931 --> 00:25:33,233
" woof woof woof" thing
657
00:25:33,266 --> 00:25:34,868
(Laughter)
658
00:25:36,102 --> 00:25:40,140
(Cheers and applause)
659
00:25:40,173 --> 00:25:42,909
In an effort to diminish
further misunderstanding,
660
00:25:42,942 --> 00:25:45,278
Jewish and Catholic leaders
met at the Vatican this week
661
00:25:45,311 --> 00:25:46,446
to begin a dialogue.
662
00:25:46,479 --> 00:25:48,348
Here are some
of the dialogue excerpts:
663
00:25:48,381 --> 00:25:49,416
"You did, too, kill Him."
664
00:25:49,449 --> 00:25:50,083
"We did not."
665
00:25:50,116 --> 00:25:50,717
"Did, too!"
666
00:25:50,750 --> 00:25:51,451
"Did not!"
667
00:25:51,484 --> 00:25:52,686
The two groups hope
668
00:25:52,719 --> 00:25:54,754
to reach an agreement
sometime next century.
669
00:25:54,788 --> 00:25:55,989
(Laughter)
670
00:25:56,089 --> 00:25:58,091
To help relieve the
Russian food crisis,
671
00:25:58,091 --> 00:26:00,894
the U.S. has been sending as
much aid as they can afford.
672
00:26:00,927 --> 00:26:03,196
Thirty thousand cases
of black licorice,
673
00:26:03,229 --> 00:26:06,633
a similar amount of prune juice,
and a couple cases of beets
674
00:26:06,666 --> 00:26:08,268
have been sent over so far.
675
00:26:08,301 --> 00:26:11,037
And there are plans to send more
stuff nobody here likes --
676
00:26:11,037 --> 00:26:12,205
and they’re now underway.
677
00:26:12,238 --> 00:26:13,573
(Laughter)
678
00:26:13,606 --> 00:26:16,443
After weeks of mounting tension,
a million dollars at stake,
679
00:26:16,476 --> 00:26:18,345
and the World Chess
Championship on the line,
680
00:26:18,378 --> 00:26:20,447
Garry Kasparov went
berserk yesterday,
681
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:23,149
took off all of his clothes
and yelled, " Yahtzee!"
682
00:26:23,183 --> 00:26:25,151
(Laughter)
683
00:26:26,252 --> 00:26:28,888
(Laughter and applause)
684
00:26:28,922 --> 00:26:32,258
Thank you. Thank you.
685
00:26:32,292 --> 00:26:32,959
Ladies?
686
00:26:33,059 --> 00:26:34,394
Beware of this man.
687
00:26:34,427 --> 00:26:37,063
He will attempt to romance
you away from your husband.
688
00:26:38,665 --> 00:26:40,333
(Laughter)
689
00:26:42,369 --> 00:26:46,072
And the New York City Board
of Education is considering
690
00:26:46,072 --> 00:26:48,408
a cucumber curriculum -
curriculum
691
00:26:48,441 --> 00:26:49,676
(Laughter)
692
00:26:49,709 --> 00:26:53,079
in order to teach students
how to use condoms.
693
00:26:53,079 --> 00:26:55,982
It has devised a program in
which students will be given
694
00:26:56,082 --> 00:26:59,552
two condoms and a cucumber or a
zucchini on which
695
00:26:59,586 --> 00:27:01,855
to put the condom to demonstrate
how it is used.
696
00:27:01,888 --> 00:27:03,123
(Laughter)
697
00:27:03,156 --> 00:27:05,892
A student body spokesman,
Billy Eckhart, said,
698
00:27:05,925 --> 00:27:07,594
"Great. I got enoughpeer pressure.
699
00:27:07,627 --> 00:27:09,029
"Now, I’ve gotta spendthe rest of my life
700
00:27:09,062 --> 00:27:10,897
trying to live upto vegetables."
701
00:27:10,930 --> 00:27:12,198
(Laughter)
702
00:27:12,232 --> 00:27:13,933
Yeah. Isn’t there--?
703
00:27:14,034 --> 00:27:16,369
(Cheers and applause)
704
00:27:19,539 --> 00:27:22,275
Isn’t there some way we can
demonstrate these things
705
00:27:22,308 --> 00:27:25,178
on those baby corns you get
at Thairestaurants?"
706
00:27:25,211 --> 00:27:27,347
(Laughter)
707
00:27:27,380 --> 00:27:28,948
And Christie’s auction house
708
00:27:29,049 --> 00:27:30,550
on Manhattan’s East Side
this week,
709
00:27:30,583 --> 00:27:33,687
auctioned off Dan Quayle
at their annual Curiosity Sale.
710
00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:35,121
(Cheers and applause)
711
00:27:35,155 --> 00:27:37,457
Quayle brought thirty-eight
dollars and forty cents
712
00:27:37,490 --> 00:27:39,626
at the auction but
was returned later
713
00:27:39,659 --> 00:27:42,262
in the day by an unidentified
buyer from Houston, Texas
714
00:27:42,295 --> 00:27:45,131
because he said
the Vice President was broken.
715
00:27:45,165 --> 00:27:47,467
(Laughter)
716
00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:49,302
Singer Sinead O’Connor
this week
717
00:27:49,336 --> 00:27:51,071
told journalist
Marcelle Clements
718
00:27:51,071 --> 00:27:53,273
that she has a preference
for black men.
719
00:27:53,306 --> 00:27:55,542
The singer said,
" I don’t just like black men,
720
00:27:55,575 --> 00:27:58,812
"I like dark-skinned menwith dark hair, dark features.
721
00:27:58,845 --> 00:28:00,347
"They must be overthirty years old,
722
00:28:00,380 --> 00:28:02,415
drug free and haveplenty of facial hair."
723
00:28:02,449 --> 00:28:05,285
When contacted, junkman
Fred Sanford said,
724
00:28:05,318 --> 00:28:06,453
"I’m comin’, Sinead!
725
00:28:06,486 --> 00:28:08,355
This is the big one, baby!"
726
00:28:08,388 --> 00:28:10,190
(Cheers and applause)
727
00:28:15,328 --> 00:28:18,031
And Edward Scissorhands
and Captain Hook
728
00:28:18,064 --> 00:28:19,232
were both killed this week
729
00:28:19,265 --> 00:28:20,667
when they high-fived
each other
730
00:28:20,700 --> 00:28:22,035
at an apres-premiere party
731
00:28:22,035 --> 00:28:24,437
at New York City’s
Hard Rock Cafe.
732
00:28:24,471 --> 00:28:26,072
Well, you know what?
733
00:28:26,106 --> 00:28:28,341
It’s that time of the year,
folks, and to get you
734
00:28:28,375 --> 00:28:30,043
into the festive spirit
a little early,
735
00:28:30,043 --> 00:28:32,045
I thought I’d sing
a Christmas carol.
736
00:28:32,078 --> 00:28:35,181
Assisting me will,
of course, be... me.
737
00:28:35,215 --> 00:28:36,916
Hey, squeeb-squaw.
738
00:28:36,950 --> 00:28:38,718
Hey, keakoe---
739
00:28:38,752 --> 00:28:39,919
(Laughter)
740
00:28:39,953 --> 00:28:41,488
You wanna try "Jingle Bells"?
741
00:28:41,521 --> 00:28:43,957
I think we need three
part harmony for that one,
742
00:28:44,057 --> 00:28:45,191
baba ganoush---
743
00:28:45,225 --> 00:28:46,493
(Laughter)
744
00:28:46,526 --> 00:28:47,594
Baba ganoush?
745
00:28:47,627 --> 00:28:49,396
Hey, lighten up, Captain Hairdo.
746
00:28:49,429 --> 00:28:52,399
You’re the one who talks
like this, okaaaaay?
747
00:28:52,432 --> 00:28:53,967
All right, bring up
the new guy.,
748
00:28:54,067 --> 00:28:55,335
Hey, waterpick!
749
00:28:55,368 --> 00:28:58,405
(Mumbling)
750
00:28:58,438 --> 00:29:04,444
All right. Let’s - let’s -
let’s - let’s - let’s jus---
751
00:29:04,477 --> 00:29:05,478
(Cheers and applause)
752
00:29:05,512 --> 00:29:07,781
Let’s just sing
this song, okay?
753
00:29:07,814 --> 00:29:08,882
Hey, chill out, Mitch Miller!
754
00:29:08,915 --> 00:29:09,649
Okay, Quak-a-po-keek-ko-quawk.
755
00:29:09,683 --> 00:29:12,185
All right, all right.
756
00:29:12,218 --> 00:29:13,253
(Laughter)
757
00:29:13,286 --> 00:29:14,854
Let me give you the tone here.
758
00:29:14,888 --> 00:29:16,022
(Harmonica tone)
759
00:29:16,056 --> 00:29:17,123
Ho, ho, where’d
you pick that up?
760
00:29:17,157 --> 00:29:18,291
Juilliard, babe?
761
00:29:18,324 --> 00:29:19,726
(Laughter)(Mumbling)
762
00:29:19,759 --> 00:29:21,661
I’ve created
an attitude monster.
763
00:29:21,695 --> 00:29:22,429
Let’s just sing, all right?
764
00:29:22,462 --> 00:29:23,129
Okay.
765
00:29:23,163 --> 00:29:24,631
One, two, three---
766
00:29:24,664 --> 00:29:28,134
* ingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way *
767
00:29:28,168 --> 00:29:30,603
* Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one horse open sleigh *
768
00:29:30,637 --> 00:29:32,038
Babe!
769
00:29:32,072 --> 00:29:35,475
* Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way *
770
00:29:35,508 --> 00:29:39,212
* Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one horse open sleigh *
771
00:29:39,245 --> 00:29:41,147
* Dashing through the snow *
772
00:29:41,181 --> 00:29:43,149
* In a one horse open sleigh *
773
00:29:43,183 --> 00:29:45,051
* Over the fields we go *
774
00:29:45,051 --> 00:29:48,121
* Laughing all the way!
Ha ha! *
775
00:29:48,154 --> 00:29:49,689
* Bells on
Bob-tail’s ring *
776
00:29:49,723 --> 00:29:51,925
Hey, what the hell’s
a "bob-tail," cha-cha?
777
00:29:51,958 --> 00:29:53,660
* Don’t be a big
pain in the ass *
778
00:29:53,693 --> 00:29:54,294
* Just sing the
freakin’ song *
779
00:29:54,327 --> 00:29:55,695
* Ho! *
780
00:29:55,729 --> 00:29:58,498
* Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way *
781
00:29:58,531 --> 00:29:59,332
* Babe! *
782
00:29:59,366 --> 00:30:00,000
* Oh, what fun--- *
783
00:30:00,033 --> 00:30:03,770
(Mumbling)
784
00:30:03,803 --> 00:30:05,939
Enough! Enough! Enough!
785
00:30:05,972 --> 00:30:12,045
* Oh, what fun it is to ride,
in a one horse open sleigh! *
786
00:30:12,078 --> 00:30:13,346
(Together)
Guess what, folks?
787
00:30:13,380 --> 00:30:15,081
That’s the news and
we are out of here!
788
00:30:15,115 --> 00:30:17,617
(Music and cheers)
789
00:30:26,059 --> 00:30:28,161
Hello, my friends,
I’m A Whitney Brown.
790
00:30:28,194 --> 00:30:30,663
And you know, once again
we’re right between
791
00:30:30,697 --> 00:30:32,632
my two favorite times
of the year;
792
00:30:32,665 --> 00:30:34,200
Christmas because
it’s the season
793
00:30:34,234 --> 00:30:36,336
of goodwill to all mankind,
794
00:30:36,369 --> 00:30:38,972
and Deer season,
because you can shoot at things.
795
00:30:39,005 --> 00:30:40,407
(Laughter)
796
00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:43,443
You know I like to hunt,
even though I’m a vegetarian.
797
00:30:43,476 --> 00:30:46,246
Actually it makes even easier,
because plants are a lot easier
798
00:30:46,279 --> 00:30:47,147
to sneak up on.
799
00:30:47,180 --> 00:30:48,581
(Laughter)
800
00:30:48,615 --> 00:30:51,418
But, what makes Christmas
such a special holiday for me,
801
00:30:51,451 --> 00:30:53,987
is that get to cut down
my own Christmas tree.
802
00:30:54,020 --> 00:30:56,856
But, I stalk it
for a few hours first.
803
00:30:56,890 --> 00:30:59,292
I got a a seventy-eight
pointer last year,
804
00:30:59,325 --> 00:31:01,227
surprised him in a clearing.
805
00:31:01,261 --> 00:31:05,832
He was just standing there,
growing and throwing off oxygen
806
00:31:05,865 --> 00:31:09,436
like there was no tomorrow,
dreaming his evergreen dreams.
807
00:31:09,469 --> 00:31:10,904
Oh, he was smart.
808
00:31:10,937 --> 00:31:13,940
He thought he’d be safe there
in front of that church.
809
00:31:13,973 --> 00:31:15,075
(Laughter)
810
00:31:15,108 --> 00:31:17,644
But, I hacked him down
and strap him
811
00:31:17,677 --> 00:31:19,279
to the hood of my car,
but when I got him home,
812
00:31:19,312 --> 00:31:21,381
he was still alive.
813
00:31:21,414 --> 00:31:23,516
Now, I suppose the sportsman
like thing to do
814
00:31:23,550 --> 00:31:25,752
would have been to put him out
of his misery,
815
00:31:25,785 --> 00:31:28,188
but ’twas the season
to be jolly.
816
00:31:28,221 --> 00:31:31,458
So, I put him in water to make
sure he didn’t die too quickly.
817
00:31:31,491 --> 00:31:32,325
(Laughter)
818
00:31:32,359 --> 00:31:34,094
Then I drilled thumbscrews
819
00:31:34,094 --> 00:31:36,529
into his trunk blinking lights
night and day
820
00:31:36,563 --> 00:31:38,231
to make sure
he didnt oversleep.
821
00:31:38,264 --> 00:31:39,265
(Laughter)
822
00:31:39,299 --> 00:31:42,369
And I dressed him up
like a geek.
823
00:31:42,402 --> 00:31:45,438
Ridiculous looking,
balls hanging all over him,
824
00:31:45,472 --> 00:31:48,241
strings of silver
junk on his branches.
825
00:31:48,274 --> 00:31:49,509
I gave him a sporting chance.
826
00:31:49,542 --> 00:31:51,678
I said, "Go ahead,
make a break for it."
827
00:31:51,711 --> 00:31:53,279
You’re gonna blend
right in out of the woods
828
00:31:53,313 --> 00:31:55,248
with that,
junk hanging off you.
829
00:31:55,281 --> 00:31:56,649
(Laughter)
830
00:31:56,683 --> 00:31:59,953
And the whole family piled
presents at his feet,
831
00:32:00,053 --> 00:32:03,356
and, just for a tease,
I told them they were his.
832
00:32:03,390 --> 00:32:06,893
While the rest of us celebrated
the season of peace and goodwill
833
00:32:06,926 --> 00:32:11,798
to all mankind, he withered
and died in my living room.
834
00:32:11,831 --> 00:32:13,667
Leaving behind
his one last gift,
835
00:32:13,700 --> 00:32:16,069
the sweet scent of his... body
836
00:32:16,102 --> 00:32:19,239
in the air he help to create.
837
00:32:19,272 --> 00:32:21,574
Finally, I ditched him
in my neighbor’s yard.
838
00:32:21,608 --> 00:32:22,876
(Laughter)
839
00:32:22,909 --> 00:32:24,411
And now as Christmas rolls
around again
840
00:32:24,444 --> 00:32:26,079
I think back on that tree.
841
00:32:26,112 --> 00:32:27,514
I don’t miss it,
I just think back
842
00:32:27,547 --> 00:32:28,915
on how much fun I had
killing it.
843
00:32:28,948 --> 00:32:31,251
Its a wonderful time of year,
Christmas.
844
00:32:31,284 --> 00:32:33,953
Thank you very much
and have a Merry one.
845
00:32:33,987 --> 00:32:37,257
(Cheers and applause)
846
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:43,630
I’d like to thank,
Edie Brickell and New Bohemians.
847
00:32:43,663 --> 00:32:44,864
(Cheers and applause)
848
00:32:44,898 --> 00:32:48,134
I’d like to thank,
Mr. Steve Martin.
849
00:32:48,168 --> 00:32:49,736
(Cheers and applause)
850
00:32:49,769 --> 00:32:52,005
Mr. Paul Simon,
851
00:32:52,105 --> 00:32:53,273
(Cheers and applause)
852
00:32:53,306 --> 00:32:55,375
Mr. Ralph Nader,
853
00:32:55,408 --> 00:32:57,610
Mr. Elliot Gould,
854
00:32:57,644 --> 00:32:59,512
Mr. Tony Randall,
855
00:32:59,546 --> 00:33:01,214
(Cheers and applause)
856
00:33:01,247 --> 00:33:04,651
Thank you everybody.
857
00:33:04,684 --> 00:33:06,586
See you on number 6!
858
00:33:06,619 --> 00:33:08,455
(Music and cheers)
859
00:33:08,488 --> 00:33:10,423
Good night!
860
00:33:10,457 --> 00:33:11,891
(Cheers and applause)
861
00:33:13,259 --> 00:33:15,762
(Music)
61058
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