All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S16E07.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

[Announcer:]
And now it’s time
for Church Chat.

Hello, I’m the Church Lady
and this is Church Chat.

Well, we have a wonderful
show tonight

but before we get started
I’d like to welcome
a new sponsor to Church Chat,

it’s Church Lady canned ham;

[audience laughing]

the perfect ham for church
picnics or Christian buffets.

[organ music]

* Here’s to good friends,
tonight is kind of special, *

* so tonight let it
be church lady ham. *

[audience cheering]

Alright.

Alrighty, alrighty let’s
welcome our first guest,

the president and
absolute dictator of Iraq,

political strongman
Mr. Saddam Hussein.

[audience cheering]

Oh, just hush, children, hush.

Thank you, church lady, for
this opportunity to speak

to the American
television audience.

Well, welcome
to our show, Sodomy.

[audience laughing]

It’s Saddam.

Oh, I know that, Satan.

[audience laughing]

Little language barrier.

Now, you know, sa...say,
whatever your name is,

I don’t watch a lot of CNN.

I’m just Church Lady.

But I heard something about
you invading a country, dear,

occupying something.
What’s that all about?

Kuwait has long
been a part of Iraq.

We are simply reclaiming
what is rightfully ours.

Oh, I see. It was yours
to begin with.

How conv-eeeee-nient.

[audience laughing]

Well, that explains Kuwait.
I’m satisfied. Let’s move on.

Now, you know what?

You know what?

I just love your hat.

Well, thank you.

May I...may I see it
for just a second?

I promise I’ll
give it right back.

- Can I just..
- I suppose so, yeah.

Well, thank you so much.

What a lovely hat. I really
like it. I just love it.

It’s adorable.

Oh, I think I’ll
just put it on here.

Oh, look it just
fits wonderfully.

You know what?

I think it was mine all along.
I think I’m going to keep it.

[audience cheering]

That is my hat and you said
you will give it back to me.

Well, I lied.

Little news flash; I’m keeping
it. New hat for the church lady.

How does that make you feel?

Well, I feel anger,
confusion, resentment,

uh a sense of betrayal.

Oh, just Ku-wait a minute.
Here it is.

[audience laughing]

Just getting all huffy on me,
Satan, Saddam, whatever it is.

Well, let’s introduce
my next guest.

She’s my mentor, my inspiration,
the wind beneath my wings,

please welcome
my sainted mother.

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

Well, hello mother,
good to see you.

Hello, dear.

Isn’t that skirt a little short?

Well, it’s same like it’s always
been, mother, just let it go,

let it go.

Alright, mother.
Now this is Saddam Hussein.

How do you do?

You know, you look
like somebody I know.

Who is it?

Oh, I don’t know.

Could it be Uncle Walter?

No, no.

Not Uncle Walter.

Could it be Julie
Peters, the town slut?

Hmm maybe a little
around the eyes, but no.

Oh, I know.

Could it be...

- Satan?
- Satan?

[audience cheering]

America is the great Satan,

and the United States
will lose this conflict.

Your entrails will be food for
the grinning hyena

that eats your rotting flesh.

- Well, isn’t that special?
- Well, isn’t that special?

[audience cheering]

Saddam, have you ever seen
our marines in action?

We had an opportunity to
watch them this summer.

It was desert training.

There they were crawling
along on their elbows.

They have all those buttocks
scouring along the hot desert
floor,

each half of their firm
buttocks was perfectly aligned

then suddenly
askew, then aligned,

then askew on the other
direction, then aligned,

then askew, aligned,
askew, aligned, askew,

not unlike two muscular gerbils
tussling under an Afghan.

[audience laughing]

And you know, Saddam,
the interesting thing is

right before they fired
their buttocks tensed,

quivered ever so slightly and
then they squeezed off a few
rounds

screaming their payload
across the hot desert sand.

And then with their ammo spent,
their buttocks relaxed

in sweet exhaustion.

Oh.

It just makes me tingle.

Of course they’ll be coming
towards you so you’ll have
a different view of the action.

You’ll only see the
buttocks of the bigger boys.

You both speak
with the tongue of a jackal.

No, sir, mister,
I don’t think so.

You and your mother will be
the first to fall...

- Not true.
- You have suckled a swine.

You have burned a foul thing.

- Not true, mister. Not true!
- Word!

I will speak to this
beast anyway I want.

[speaking in foreign language]

Shut up!

[audience laughing]

Get him! Get him, mother!
Yes, yes, yes!

Excellent.

Okay, Satan.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Get him, mother!

Get him!

Squeeze him, don’t
strangle him! Easy!

Oh!

[audience cheering]

Here it comes, mother!

Oh.

Get him, mother! Get him!

Oh that must have hurt!

[audience laughing]

Get him, mother! Get him!
Oh get the leg!

No say it!

Say it!

Say it!

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

[music and cheering]

[Announcer:]
It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Dennis Miller,

Mike Myers,

and Kevin Nealon.

With Chris Farley,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney

and featuring Rob Schneider,

David Spade,

GE Smith and the Saturday Night
Live Band.

Musical guest, Faith No More.

And starring, John Goodman.

Ladies and gentlemen,
John Goodman!

[audience cheering]

Thank you very much.

Hey!

It’s nice to be back
hosting Saturday Night Live.

You know, a lot has happened
in my life since I did the show
last year.

I’ve done a few
movies, thank you.

[audience cheering]

Worked out a television
show, Roseanne, thank you.

[audience cheering]

Got fired out the show by
Roseanne’s husband Tom Arnold.

[audience cheering]

But I got hired again
a few days later, thank you.

[audience cheering]

And a few weeks later
I got fired again.

And just a few minutes ago
backstage I’ve learned

I’ve been hired back again!

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

But more important
than any of those is...

...what happened to my life
three months ago,

it’s the birth
of my little girl Molly.

[audience cheering]

I haven’t lost all
of the weight yet.

It’ll take time.

But even if I never lose it
it’s okay because I have
a healthy, happy baby.

And you know, there’s a lot of
crying and pooping, of course.

The baby’s responsible
for most of that.

[audience laughing]

She’s so beautiful.

I wish you could see her.

I love to bring her out
but it’s awfully late.

She’s sleeping.

In the car.

[audience laughing]

’Cause I’m working!

Hey, the window’s cracked.
She’s fine.

[audience laughing]

But it’s okay because I do
a pretty good impression of her.

Kind of like this.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Well, thanks.

[audience cheering]

I don’t do it quite as well as
she does but you get the idea.

Anyway, we got a great show.

Faith No More is here.
We will be right back!

[audience cheering]

Hey, we’ve got our apartment.

We ripped up the
floors, pipes, wiring,

and having everything
completely redone.

You’re renting, right?

Yeah.

Well, he’s an ex
free-base addict,

he’s trying to turn his life
around, and he needs a place
to stay for a couple of months.

Head’s up!

Now that I have kids, I feel
a lot better having a gun
in the house.

[audience laughing]

Hey, I thought about it,
and even though it’s over,

I’m going to tell my
wife about the affair.

[audience laughing]

I don’t know the guy, but I’ve
got two kidneys and he needs
one, so I figured...

[audience laughing]

Normally I wear protection,
but then I thought,

"When am I gonna make
it back to Haiti?"

[Narrator:]
Bad Idea Jeans.

Hey, you guys ready?

Let’s bet these guys!

A hundred bucks...
Let’s make that 200! 200!

[audience cheering]

- How was lunch?
- It was great.

Something the matter?

Yeah. I thought you said you’re
gonna make the deposit before
your break.

Well, I was, but by the time
things slowed down I was
famished and...

well, it’s the first time
it’s happened.

Well, I would appreciate it that
from now on you’d make deposits
when you say you will,

Ms. I-Only-Do-Things-
When-They’re-Convenient.

Well, I’d appreciate it
if you’d let me do my job,

Mr. I-Check-Up-On-Everybody-
Like-I’m-Their-Mother.

Fine.

I will be in the stockroom
doing inventory.

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, I’m with United Uniforms.

I’m here to check up on Mr.
I-Check-Up-On-Everyone-Like-
I’m- Their-Mother.

[audience laughing]

Oh, it’s a bad timing.
He’s doing inventory.
Can you come back?

Are you Ms. I-Only-Do-
Things-When-They’re-Convenient?

I think I spoke to you
on the phone.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

- I’ll see if I can get him.
- Alright.

Mr. I-Check-Up-On-Everyone-
Like-I’m-Their-Mother,

there’s a salesman
here who wants to talk to you.

Did you get his name?

What’s your name?

Well, just tell him
Mr. I-Barge-Right-In-Anytime-
I-Feel- Like-It is here.

[audience laughing]

Mr. I-Barge-Right-In-Anytime-
I-Feel-Like-It?

I’ll be right out.

He’ll be right out.

[phone rings]

Hello, I-Check-Up-On-Everyone-
Like-I’m-Their-Mother’s Food
Emporium. Can I help you?

No, like I said
before he’s busy.

Can I take a message?

Okay, Mr. I-Call-Every-Five-
Minutes-As-If-That-Will-Help.

I’ll give him the message.

You have a nice day, too.

Okay. Buh-bye.

What a sweet man.

Somebody wanted to see me?

Hey, Mr. I’m-Lost-In-My-Own-
Little-World, do you wanna talk?

I haven’t got all day.

Oh, I’m sorry.
Are you talking to me?

- Who else?
- Oh, I don’t know. I’m Sam.

Sam I-Barge-Right-In-Anytime-
I-Feel-Like-It, regional sales
director, United Uniforms.

I’m sorry.

You look just like Mr. I’m-Lost-
In-My-Own-Little-World,
the insurance guy.

It’s good to meet you.

I know where you’re coming from.

Say, you wouldn’t be related to
Bob I-Barge-Right-In-Anytime-
I-Feel-Like-It, would you?

No. Very common name, though.

Ah, shot in the dark.

Excuse me, is this
the store with the leaky pipe?

That’s us. It’s right over here,
under the sink.

Say, you’re not our
usual repairman.

Where’s Mr. Always-Says-
He’ll-Do-The-Job-But-Never-
Gets-Around-To-It?

Oh, Mr. Always-Says-He’ll-
Do-The-Job-But-Never-Gets-Around
-To-It couldn’t make it.

I’m Mr. I-Don’t-Have-To-Do-
A-Good-Job-Because-I’m-Just-
Filling-In.

[audience laughing]

Well, sorry I couldn’t use
anything right now

but you stop by anytime
you feel like it,

Mr. I-Barge-Right-In-Anytime-
I-Feel-Like-It.

Okay. I will.

Ken, Suzy,
what a pleasant surprise!

Hi George.

Suzy wants to show
you something.

Oh, could it be...I thought so.

Congratulations, you two.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Oh, this is exciting.

Well, I guess it won’t be
long now before you’ll be

Mrs. I’m-Gonna-Marry-
The-First-Girl-Who-Says-Yes.

[audience laughing]

Okay. This is it.

And you’re writing
a check, that’s fine.

Yeah. You have a nice day, now.

- You, too.
- Thank you.

Oh, oh you forgot
to sign your check,

Mr. Hiding-From-The-Mob-
Under-An-Assumed-Name.

[audience laughing]

Oh, my God! I think
he’s been shot!

Remain calm, folks.
I need to use your phone.

Right over here, officer.

Yeah, this is Officer
I-Let-My-Imagination-Run-Wild.

We got a possible mob hit,
Fifth and Elm.

The victim is a white
male, about 35 feet tall.

The assailants drove
away in a blue UFO,

it was driven by Michael
Jackson and Marlon Brando.

That’s right, that’s right...

[audience cheering]

Hi, I’m Telly Savalas.

[audience laughing]

And if you’re like me, you
like to be near the action.

And when there isn’t any action,
then you gotta make your own.

And, baby, that’s when
you need to join the...

Player-With-Yourselves Club.

[audience laughing]

That’s right, baby!

The Player-With-Yourselves
Club card entitles you

to masturbation privileges
at hotels all over the world.

In cities like Milan,
Paris and Monte Carlo.

Just flash the card, and you’ll
get the kind of perks reserved

for players only!

Like unlimited Kleenex!

I’m talking two-ply, baby!

Custom-made squeak-free beds,

and extra-large
"Do Not Disturb" signs.

Plus access to an international
library of skin magazines

and all the latest videotapes
cued up to the good parts, baby!

’Cause players don’t have
time to fast-forward!

And you don’t have to
stay overnight, pal.

With the Player-With-Yourselves
card you can book a room

for stays as short as
fifteen minutes.

In and out, baby,
’cause you gotta fly!

So, what are you waiting for?

Take it from Telly.

This card opens a lot of doors!

Well, I gotta go.

I have a date with
a Marilyn Chambers classic.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!

The Players-With-Yourselves
Club Card. Teenagers eligible,
except in Florida.

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:]
From the nation’s capital,
"The McLaughlin Group",

an unrehearsed, hastily
assembled program presenting

inside opinions and forecasts
on major issues of the day.

With Jack Germonde
of the Baltimore Sun,

syndicated columnists Pat
Buchanan and Eleanor Clift,

and Morton Kondracke
of the New Republic.

Now, here’s the moderator,
John McLaughlin.

Issue number 1,
the commander-in-chief
in Mexico.

Bush wants a free trade
agreement, what does President
Salinas want? Pat Buchanan!

John, Salinas is playing up
his recent economic success

- and steering his...
- Jack Germonde!

I don’t think it’s so much what
Salinas wants, it’s what...

Eleanor Clift!

John, this is just another case
of President Bush trying
to push a policy...

I’m not sure
Bush has a policy...

Excuse me, Pat, I believe
Eleanor has the floor.

Thanks, John.

The hard truth is that Bush
needs Salinas more than...

Morton Kondracke!

I think this agreement
talk is basically a...

Wrong!

There will be a free
trade agreement;

it will take place
within one year.

Issue number 2,
Maggie out, Major in.

The new British prime minister,
some believe he’s
a Thatcher clone.

Will he carry out her policies?
Jack Germonde!

Well, Thatcherites are
privately rejoicing...

Wrong! Mortone.

See, Thatcher endorsed...

Wrong! On a scale of 1 to 14,

1 being lowest degree of
unlikelihood, 14 being absolute
metaphysical certitude,

what are the chances of Major
continuing Thatcher’s alliance

with Bush, vis-a-vis the Iraqis?
Eleanor Clift!

I’d say about a 12.

Pat Buchanan!

- Hold it, 14 is most likely?
- Yes.

- I’d have to say about a 9.
- Jack Germonde!

Lower, like 5.

- Mortone!
- 8!

Wrong!

The actual degree of
likelihood is 6.5.

Issue number 3, life after
death. Some pundits say
it doesn’t exist.

Theologians disagree. Is there
an afterlife? Jack Germonde!

- I...uh...really don’t know.
- Mortone!

- Well, it’s not my field...
- Pat Buchanan!

I’d like to believe,
but it’s not...

Wrong! There is life
after death.

The soul does not ascend to
heaven but rather rests in a
limbo state

that varies depending
on the karma of the spirit.

Issue number 4, Intelligent
beings on other planets,
yes or no? Pat Buchanan!

I would think so.

Eleanor Clift!

- Don’t know.
- Jack Germonde!

- Me, either.
- Mortontown!

- Well, no one really knows...
- Wrong!

[audience laughing and cheering]

There is intelligent life
in the 11th galaxy
on the planet Neptar,

which will conquer
Earth in the year 5482,

utilizing us for slave labor
in their Chelonian salt mines.

Issue number 5, what number
am I thinking of? Pat Buchanan!

[audience laughing]

- Geez, uh, 82?
- Wrong! Eleanor Clift!

- Is it between 1 and...?
- Don’t skirt the issue!

- Uh...40!
- Wrong! Mortontyne!

- 212?
- Wrong! Jackareeno!

- 2?
- Wrong!

The correct answer is 134. 134.

Issue number 6, what did you
have for breakfast today?
Eleanor!

- Some cantaloupe.
- Mortontown, USA!

- I had poached eggs and toast.
- Jack Germondo!

- Bacon and eggs.
- Patty Patty Buke Buke!

I’m thinking waffles...

Wrong! You all had Special K
with banana.

[audience applauding]

Issue number 7, what is
issue number 14 going to be?

Some say it will deal
with economic matter,

others believe it
will involve Germany.

Morteeny-tiny-tabletop!

- Acid rain?
- Wrong!

Eleanor-gee-I-think-
you’re-swelleanor!

I have no idea.

Wrong! You know quite well,
you’re just shy.

Mondo-jackalo-gee-mon-
mania-jack.

Well, it might be.

I’m not finished with your name,
Germonacle...

...jack-o-lantern-gee-
jummy-jummy-jammy-mayhem!

- You’re insane, John.
- Wrong!

I’m perfectly sane.

Everyone else, however, is
insane and trying to steal
my magic bag.

St Patrick of Buchananomics!

- I think I’m gonna leave, John.
- Wrong!

You can’t leave, all the doors
are locked from the outside.
Next issue!

[audience laughing]

What motivates me? Why do I
conduct my show in this manner?
Mondo!

- You’re a jerk?
- Eleanor!

- A really large ego?
- Wrong!

I was neglected by my parents
and I overcompensate

to shadow my feeling that I have
an inadequate intellect.
Next issue!

So, you didn’t know
your parents very well?

- Wrong!
- Wrong?

- Wrong!
- Right?

Wrong! Next week the S&L probe
continues. Is my money in a
safety loan?

If so, what’s my account number?
Bye-bye!

[audience cheering]

Wrong!

No!

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:]
And now, Weekend Update with
anchorperson Dennis Miller.

[audience cheering]

Sorry, I had
something in my eye.

Good evening and
what can I tell you?

On Thursday the UN security
council authorized
the use of force

if Saddam Hussein does not
withdraw from Kuwait
by January 15.

To temper these ill winds
President Bush announced that

Vice President Quayle will visit
the troops on January 14th

at approximately 11.55pm.

[audience laughing]

China did not vote in favor
of the use of force resolution

saying they would only support
a military offensive

if it was against a country of
unarmed teenagers.

Following the election
of a new prime minister,

Mrs. Thatcher will now move to
10 Downing and Outing Street.

[audience laughing]

Boy, there’s a guy you feel
sorry for, Dennis Thatcher.

I’m sure he’s used to having
the house to himself
during the day.

Now she’ll be getting in the way
as he tries to do his vacuuming.

In Paris this week,
Soviet President Gorbachev

disrupted the conference
on security and cooperation
in Europe

when he began making obscene
sounds by copping his palms
together.

[audience laughing]

President Bush’s recent European
trip during which he visited
eight countries

and sat down with every European
leader led him to say

that the toughest thing about
the journey was the many
uncomfortable sofas

he had to sit on.

And immediately upon returning
to the White House

he and Barbara strode directly
to the White House
chiropractor’s office.

[audience applauding]

Globetrotting secretary of state
James Baker this week

in a mock press conference in
Bogota, Colombia rehearsed for
his upcoming visit to Italy.

[audience applauding]

And the tunnel between France
and England connected this week.

Lead tunneler for the
French LeBeau said,

"Schultz is so stupid!"

[audience cheering]

"Schultz does not even hear
the guard dog barking

when we raised the doghouse
to go to work each morning."

Yes, the world’s
worst French accent.

[audience laughing]

Secretary of Defense
Dick Chaney warned this week

that Iraq may have
an A-bomb within a year.

Cheney went on to say that
they may have the basic A-bomb
components now

but they still have a rather
crude system for splitting
the atom.

[audience laughing]

And here with a commentary on
how the Iraq situation affects

the average young American
is our own David Spade.

Welcome, David.

[audience cheering]

Thank you, Dennis.

When I look at what’s going
on in the Gulf I tend to have
empathy for Kuwait.

Because Kuwait is
like me in a way.

I was always small and weak
and pushed around a lot,

and to me Iraq is like my big
brother Brian, who is mean
and nasty

and always hassled me and
I lived in fear and hated it.

So Iraq attacking Kuwait is like
my big brother Brian

coming in my room
and attacking me.

So basically what’s going on
over there is you’ve got Iraq,

Brian coming over to Kuwait, me,
pushing it down against its will

and giving it a big
titty twister. Yeah, yeah!

And Kuwait’s going, "Ow, ow,
get off me you big psycho!"

But there’s nothing it can do
because Iraq’s so big

and Iraq’s gonna whistle,
whistle for me little geek!

Whistle!

"There, there, go back to hell!"

But he won’t move and
Kuwait is totally helpless.

I know the feeling ’cause I’ve
been there a million times.

And he grabs Kuwait’s arm and
he goes, "Don’t hit yourself.

Don’t hit yourself.

Don’t hit yourself, boy."

Kuwait’s going, "Oh my God,
I’m kicking my own ass."

"That’s right you are,
you are you little baby.

You’re gonna cry now, you little
puss? You’re gonna cry?

How about I give you a big
wedgie and hang you on the door
knob, would you like that?

You know you’re adopted.
I swear to God, the papers are
in dad’s closet.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Oh, wait.

And the US to me is like my mom
coming in to finally
break it up.

"Hey, get out. Hey, look at me.
Get out of there--"

So Dave, Dave.

What are you saying man?

Oh, well, I’m saying that
I think we’re doing
the right thing over there.

David Spade, ladies
and gentlemen.

[audience cheering]

A Federal District Court judge
ruled that CNN news network can

now broadcast Manuel Noriega’s
taped prison phone calls,

the first in their series of
broadcast will begin this week

this one entitled,
"Ordering a Baloney Sub."

Future broadcast such as
"Reversing the Charges,

and "How are you, Grandma
Lopez?" are being scheduled.

Secretary of state James Baker
met this week

with foreign minister
Isidoro Malmierca of Cuba.

Baker said, "I always try to
size a man up when I first meet
him and give the Cuban credit.

He wouldn’t pull on it."

[audience applauding]

Baker... went on to add,
"But you know, I squeezed
one off anyway.

[audience laughing]

I had to.

It’s my way of letting
a man know who’s in charge."

US economist this week
introduced the new term
for the rich of our country.

We now have millionaires,
billionaires, trillionaires,

and a new classification for
people who say they’re
millionaires but really aren’t,

the designation Milli
Vanillionaire goes into effect
on January 1.

[audience cheering]

Two state lawmakers in Boston
filed a bill this week

to prevent singing groups like
Milli Vanilli from lip-synching
in concert in Massachusetts

without announcing
they’re doing it.

And what some would
call a related story,

Governor Michael Dukakis
announced this week that he will
not run again for office

in the state of Massachusetts.

Arizona Senator
Dennis DeConcini,

one of the Keating five this
week said he was sick of being
on the defensive

and plan to go on the offensive
against accusers.

DeConcini began to randomly
sucker punch members of the
ethics committee

and saying "If I were
king of the forest."

[audience laughing]

"Pass it down.
Sununu’s a creep."

[audience cheering]

Effie Barry, wife of Washington
DC Mayor Marion Barry moved out
of the couple’s home this week

amidst rumors that she uncovered
more drug paraphernalia.

So I guess the last straw
was the last straw.

[audience laughing]

Author Saul Bellow received a
National Book Foundation medal
this week.

Bellow was courageously fighting
a rare disease in which

your entire body slowly shrinks
with the exception
of your bow tie.

Friday, after 15 years of being
suspended from an eye beam in
New York City

Bob Delmont, the crazy glue guy
was freed after workmen...

[audience cheering]

...after workmen used
some DD7 to break the bond.

Delmont was met at the base of
the building by his wife

and now fully grown children.

NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue
this week issued fines

on members of the New England
Patriots organization

for their indiscretions in the
locker room in the Lisa Olson
case.

Owner Victor Kiam said he’d pay
the fines but went on to say

he still don’t understand
what the big deal was.

He said, "I’ve been
in the locker room.

I’ve seen Zeke Mowatt’s penis
and I liked it so much
I bought the company."

[audience applauding]

The New York City Health
Department has recalled
750,000 condoms

distributed through
social service groups because
the condoms may be faulty.

Health officials would not
elaborate on the particular flaw

in each of the condoms,
they just said,

"We fear there might be problems
in the emission control
standards."

The sequel to the film "Three
Men and a Baby" opened this week

entitled "Three Men
and a Little Lady."

If all goes well at the box
office there are plans

for a third film presently
titled "Three Men
and a Middle Aged Hooker."

Here’s the cover of this month’s
Life Magazine asking
"Who is God?"

You know, if I’m not mistaken
God created Life

and I think we have a conflict
of interest here.

It was recently revealed in
a new book entitled "Rock Lives"

that The Who’s lead guitarist
Peter Townshend in fact

has had gay relationships
in his life.

Can you believe it?
Townshend? Gay?

I got fooled again.

[audience laughing]

Tommy?

Can you feel me?

Guess what, folks,
that’s the news.

[audience cheering]

Yeah. Yeah, and hey Greg
I wanted to thank you again
for getting me this job.

I think it’s really
gonna work out great.

Oh yeah, you know I’ve
got one question for you.

You know my supervisor Pat?

Yeah. I hope you don’t think
I’m dense or something,

but is Pat a man or a woman?

No, I’m serious.

I gotta go. Bye!

[audience laughing]

How’s it going, Bill?

Great, just working.

Irritating has two R’s.

Thank you.

It’s funny that I’m your boss.

Yeah, yeah.

Excuse me, I’m sorry.

And it’s really hard for me
to work when your breath is
fogging up the computer screen.

Oh, I’m sorry.
I’ll leave you alone.

Okay.

See you later. Buh-bye.

[audience laughing]

Are you mad at me, Bill?

No, no. Why would I be
mad at you?

I just thought you
might be mad at me.

Oh, no, not at all,
Miss, mister, miss...

I’m not quite sure
how to address you.

No formalities here.
Just call me Pat.

Okay.
What’s your last name, Pat?

Riley.

Riley?

Yes.

- Your name is Pat Riley?
- Yes.

Like the coach of the Lakers?

Yes.

But there’s one big
difference between me and him.

What’s that?

I never coached a professional
basketball team.

Oh.

That’s my little joke.

I think humor is important
in the workplace,

especially around here.

Yeah.

- Who’s this? Your girlfriend?
- Yeah, that’s Tina.

She’s pretty.

[audience laughing]

Thanks.

So do you have a boy...
A girl...

Are you married?

I was gonna be married
but it all fell apart.

Oh, God what happened?

I don’t know.
Ask my ex-fiancé.

Oh, what’s your
ex-fiancé’s name?

Chris.

[audience laughing]

Chris, huh? Hmm.

Well, now was Chris
involved with anyone?

Yes, Terry.

[audience laughing]

I’m sorry I didn’t mean
to upset you. It’s just that...

I can’t talk about this anymore.

I guess it’s that
time of the month.

Oh, okay.

Bills.

[audience laughing]

Hey, I gotta make a big decision
that maybe you can help me with.

I’m trying to decide on
what to watch tonight on TV,

either the big Giants-49ers’
game or Murphy Brown.

Look, what are you gonna
watch tonight, Pat?

Oh, neither. I rented a movie.

Oh. What did you rent?

Tootsie.

[audience laughing]

I guess I’ll just sit at home
alone tonight and watch Tootsie
with my cat.

Oh, you have cats.

Yeah, I’ve got an orange
little male cat named Gosh,

the male cat and I have
little female cat Rita.

Male and female. That’s nice.

I feel kind of funny right
now you know so much about me.

[audience laughing]

Well, you know, it’s funny
I actually don’t know
that much about you.

Well, I think it’s time
for my lunch break.

Oh, I know, let’s
have lunch together.

Today you’ll pay,
tomorrow I’ll pay.

Okay.

Great.

Hey, you know what, I’m a little
short on cash though today.

Why don’t you just grab your
wallet or your purse...

or your walpurse or...

Oh, that’s alright.
I just carry a sport sack.

[audience laughing]

Okay.

[audience cheering]

Hey, soup’s on!

Alrighty!

Well, I hate to stop the fun but
we’re gonna have to finish this
later tonight. Sorry.

Honey, don’t be nervous.
I know my family will love you.

I’ll try my best, sweetheart.

New York sirloins, everybody.

Alright!

Look at that, huh?

- Great!
- Oh, boy.

Here you go, Hank.
Eat all you can.

Thank you, sir.

By the way, Mrs. Whittle,
these steaks look great!

Well, thank you very much, Hank.

But will you do me
a favor and call me Doris?

Okay, Doris.

So Hank, where are you from?

[audience laughing]

Seattle.

- Oh, great.
- Yeah, it is great.

Have you uh, have you ever
been up that way before?

No. No.

But I hear it must
be beautiful, though.

What was it like when that
Mount St Helen’s thing blew up?

[audience laughing]

It was very, very scary.

Wow, I bet, huh? Amazing, huh?

[audience laughing]

Hey, how many people does that
Seattle Kingdome hold anyway?

Many people?

I think around 80,000.
And you should see the traffic
afterwards.

Where do you work, Mr. Whittle?

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Self-employed.

I make caramel candies
down at the cellar.

- Very lucrative!
- Oh, I’m sure it is.

[door bell]

Oh, I’ll get it.

Hi, I’m selling raffle tickets
for the City’s Boy’s Club.

They’re only a dollar a piece
and you can win a free trip.

[audience laughing]

Hey, can I have one of
those caramels over there?

Thank you.

So if we win a trip
where do we go?

[audience laughing]

- Cancun!
- Cancun?

Hey kids, how does
Cancun sound, huh?

[audience laughing]

Sounds great!

Really?

Yeah.

[audience laughing]

What do you think, dad?

I’d rather wait
for Disney World.

Oh, sorry. Maybe next time, huh?

Thanks!

Buh-bye.

You know what?

Hank’s been to Disney
World three times.

Tell them about it, Hank.

Are you alright?

Quick, what’s that maneuver
you do when somebody’s choking?

- Heimlich maneuver!
- Does anyone know it?

[audience laughing]

Daddy knows it. Daddy knows it.

- Yeah, I do.
- I think you should do it.

Alright.

You okay?

[audience laughing]

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Could you pass the peas, Bob?
- Do you have any soda water?

[audience applauding]

Davy! Davy Crockett!
It’s me, Jim Bowey.

Oh. Hi Jim.

You remember my son, Jed.

He’s a little
scruffed up right now.

I climbed me a tree so as I
can get honey from a bee hive.

Yeah, he got stung a few
times but that’s okay.

He’s a boy!

Davy, Jim!

Well, if it ain’t Daniel
Boon and his son Hank.

Howdy?

Yeah, I just came down
here to trade a post,

get my boy here a new knife.

I broke the last
one fighting a bear.

He fights bears?

Sure he does, he’s a boy!

Hey Davy, where’s
that boy of yours?

Oh he’s out raising
hell somewhere.

You know boys.

Father, father,
father, here you are.

Father, I’ve encountered
a dilemma

which perhaps
you can help me resolve.

Which of these two bottles would
be better for sending messages

to foreign lands?

On the one hand, this bottle
here would be more buoyant

because of its
lower center of gravity

and greater
water displacement

whereas this one is no doubt
more durable

because of it’s more thicker
grade of glass

and could better survive
a white water rafted ride.

I made an inadvertent
alliteration, sorry.

Father, your thoughts?

Oh, I don’t know.

He’s your boy, Davy?

Yeah.

That’s my boy.

Waldo Crockett.

Waldo?

I thought his name was Davy Jr.?

Well, that’s his real name
but he calls himself Waldo.

Not out of disrespect
to my father, mind you,

but merely as an homage
to a hero of mine;

Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Uh Emerson?

Transcendentalism?

Representative Man?

Anyone?

[audience laughing]

Listen, why don’t you boys run
down to the creek for a swim so
these men can talk for a while.

Uh excuse me, I do not swim in
the creek past September

- and I’ll tell you why.
- Get on down there!

Very well, father.

Wait up, fellows.

[audience laughing]

I gotta be honest with you,
Davy,

I don’t know quite what to make
of that boy of yours.

I don’t either, Jim.

If he ain’t reading them books,
he’s out discovering
a new planet

with that telescope of his or
he’s watering them hedges.

Hedges?

Yeah, he’s got all these hedges
growing all around the cabin.

He cuts them up into
different shapes.

It’s like a maze.

And once I get in there
I can’t find my way out.

He says it’s easy but it ain’t.

Settle down, settle down Davy.

[audience laughing]

Geez, why don’t you take him
out bear hunting or something?

Oh I did but he, he didn’t want
to kill nothing and then

when we got home he started
reading me these things
about how it was wrong,

these Buddhist writings
and some stuff from Socrates

and Rousseau
and fellows like that.

Boy, I don’t know
what to say Davy.

[sound of wild animal]

- Sounded like a cougar!
- The boys!

Pa, you’re not
gonna believe this!

You should have seen it!

There was this mountain lion
that’s gonna attack us but Waldo
stared him down.

Well, actually I
used hypnosis on him.

[audience laughing]

It’s a technique that’s gaining
popularity in Europe

for treatment of multiple
personalities and paranoia.

Well, I don’t know about that
but you got a hell of a boy
there, Davy.

Come on, Waldo, let’s go back
to that trading post

and buy whatever you want.

Well, I did have my eye
on a particular set of dominoes
that I think...

[audience cheering]

Thank you!

Thank you, everybody
for being here tonight.

Thanks, Faith No More!
They’re a great band!

And thank you, everybody,
for asking me back,
I had a great time.

Good night, everybody!

[music and cheering]