Original subtitles

[Announcer:] And now it’s time for Church Chat.

Hello, I’m the Church Lady and this is Church Chat.

Well, we have a wonderful show tonight

but before we get started I’d like to welcome a new sponsor to Church Chat,

it’s Church Lady canned ham;

[audience laughing]

the perfect ham for church picnics or Christian buffets.

[organ music]

* Here’s to good friends, tonight is kind of special, *

* so tonight let it be church lady ham. *

[audience cheering]

Alright.

Alrighty, alrighty let’s welcome our first guest,

the president and absolute dictator of Iraq,

political strongman Mr. Saddam Hussein.

[audience cheering]

Oh, just hush, children, hush.

Thank you, church lady, for this opportunity to speak

to the American television audience.

Well, welcome to our show, Sodomy.

[audience laughing]

It’s Saddam.

Oh, I know that, Satan.

[audience laughing]

Little language barrier.

Now, you know, sa...say, whatever your name is,

I don’t watch a lot of CNN.

I’m just Church Lady.

But I heard something about you invading a country, dear,

occupying something. What’s that all about?

Kuwait has long been a part of Iraq.

We are simply reclaiming what is rightfully ours.

Oh, I see. It was yours to begin with.

How conv-eeeee-nient.

[audience laughing]

Well, that explains Kuwait. I’m satisfied. Let’s move on.

Now, you know what?

You know what?

I just love your hat.

Well, thank you.

May I...may I see it for just a second?

I promise I’ll give it right back.

- Can I just.. - I suppose so, yeah.

Well, thank you so much.

What a lovely hat. I really like it. I just love it.

It’s adorable.

Oh, I think I’ll just put it on here.

Oh, look it just fits wonderfully.

You know what?

I think it was mine all along. I think I’m going to keep it.

[audience cheering]

That is my hat and you said you will give it back to me.

Well, I lied.

Little news flash; I’m keeping it. New hat for the church lady.

How does that make you feel?

Well, I feel anger, confusion, resentment,

uh a sense of betrayal.

Oh, just Ku-wait a minute. Here it is.

[audience laughing]

Just getting all huffy on me, Satan, Saddam, whatever it is.

Well, let’s introduce my next guest.

She’s my mentor, my inspiration, the wind beneath my wings,

please welcome my sainted mother.

[audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

Well, hello mother, good to see you.

Hello, dear.

Isn’t that skirt a little short?

Well, it’s same like it’s always been, mother, just let it go,

let it go.

Alright, mother. Now this is Saddam Hussein.

How do you do?

You know, you look like somebody I know.

Who is it?

Oh, I don’t know.

Could it be Uncle Walter?

No, no.

Not Uncle Walter.

Could it be Julie Peters, the town slut?

Hmm maybe a little around the eyes, but no.

Oh, I know.

Could it be...

- Satan? - Satan?

[audience cheering]

America is the great Satan,

and the United States will lose this conflict.

Your entrails will be food for the grinning hyena

that eats your rotting flesh.

- Well, isn’t that special? - Well, isn’t that special?

[audience cheering]

Saddam, have you ever seen our marines in action?

We had an opportunity to watch them this summer.

It was desert training.

There they were crawling along on their elbows.

They have all those buttocks scouring along the hot desert floor,

each half of their firm buttocks was perfectly aligned

then suddenly askew, then aligned,

then askew on the other direction, then aligned,

then askew, aligned, askew, aligned, askew,

not unlike two muscular gerbils tussling under an Afghan.

[audience laughing]

And you know, Saddam, the interesting thing is

right before they fired their buttocks tensed,

quivered ever so slightly and then they squeezed off a few rounds

screaming their payload across the hot desert sand.

And then with their ammo spent, their buttocks relaxed

in sweet exhaustion.

Oh.

It just makes me tingle.

Of course they’ll be coming towards you so you’ll have a different view of the action.

You’ll only see the buttocks of the bigger boys.

You both speak with the tongue of a jackal.

No, sir, mister, I don’t think so.

You and your mother will be the first to fall...

- Not true. - You have suckled a swine.

You have burned a foul thing.

- Not true, mister. Not true! - Word!

I will speak to this beast anyway I want.

[speaking in foreign language]

Shut up!

[audience laughing]

Get him! Get him, mother! Yes, yes, yes!

Excellent.

Okay, Satan.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Get him, mother!

Get him!

Squeeze him, don’t strangle him! Easy!

Oh!

[audience cheering]

Here it comes, mother!

Oh.

Get him, mother! Get him!

Oh that must have hurt!

[audience laughing]

Get him, mother! Get him! Oh get the leg!

No say it!

Say it!

Say it!

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[music and cheering]

[Announcer:] It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Dennis Miller,

Mike Myers,

and Kevin Nealon.

With Chris Farley,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney

and featuring Rob Schneider,

David Spade,

GE Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Faith No More.

And starring, John Goodman.

Ladies and gentlemen, John Goodman!

[audience cheering]

Thank you very much.

Hey!

It’s nice to be back hosting Saturday Night Live.

You know, a lot has happened in my life since I did the show last year.

I’ve done a few movies, thank you.

[audience cheering]

Worked out a television show, Roseanne, thank you.

[audience cheering]

Got fired out the show by Roseanne’s husband Tom Arnold.

[audience cheering]

But I got hired again a few days later, thank you.

[audience cheering]

And a few weeks later I got fired again.

And just a few minutes ago backstage I’ve learned

I’ve been hired back again!

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

But more important than any of those is...

...what happened to my life three months ago,

it’s the birth of my little girl Molly.

[audience cheering]

I haven’t lost all of the weight yet.

It’ll take time.

But even if I never lose it it’s okay because I have a healthy, happy baby.

And you know, there’s a lot of crying and pooping, of course.

The baby’s responsible for most of that.

[audience laughing]

She’s so beautiful.

I wish you could see her.

I love to bring her out but it’s awfully late.

She’s sleeping.

In the car.

[audience laughing]

’Cause I’m working!

Hey, the window’s cracked. She’s fine.

[audience laughing]

But it’s okay because I do a pretty good impression of her.

Kind of like this.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Well, thanks.

[audience cheering]

I don’t do it quite as well as she does but you get the idea.

Anyway, we got a great show.

Faith No More is here. We will be right back!

[audience cheering]

Hey, we’ve got our apartment.

We ripped up the floors, pipes, wiring,

and having everything completely redone.

You’re renting, right?

Yeah.

Well, he’s an ex free-base addict,

he’s trying to turn his life around, and he needs a place to stay for a couple of months.

Head’s up!

Now that I have kids, I feel a lot better having a gun in the house.

[audience laughing]

Hey, I thought about it, and even though it’s over,

I’m going to tell my wife about the affair.

[audience laughing]

I don’t know the guy, but I’ve got two kidneys and he needs one, so I figured...

[audience laughing]

Normally I wear protection, but then I thought,

"When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?"

[Narrator:] Bad Idea Jeans.

Hey, you guys ready?

Let’s bet these guys!

A hundred bucks... Let’s make that 200! 200!

[audience cheering]

- How was lunch? - It was great.

Something the matter?

Yeah. I thought you said you’re gonna make the deposit before your break.

Well, I was, but by the time things slowed down I was famished and...

well, it’s the first time it’s happened.

Well, I would appreciate it that from now on you’d make deposits when you say you will,

Ms. I-Only-Do-Things- When-They’re-Convenient.

Well, I’d appreciate it if you’d let me do my job,

Mr. I-Check-Up-On-Everybody- Like-I’m-Their-Mother.

Fine.

I will be in the stockroom doing inventory.

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, I’m with United Uniforms.

I’m here to check up on Mr. I-Check-Up-On-Everyone-Like- I’m- Their-Mother.

[audience laughing]

Oh, it’s a bad timing. He’s doing inventory. Can you come back?

Are you Ms. I-Only-Do- Things-When-They’re-Convenient?

I think I spoke to you on the phone.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

- I’ll see if I can get him. - Alright.

Mr. I-Check-Up-On-Everyone- Like-I’m-Their-Mother,

there’s a salesman here who wants to talk to you.

Did you get his name?

What’s your name?

Well, just tell him Mr. I-Barge-Right-In-Anytime- I-Feel- Like-It is here.

[audience laughing]

Mr. I-Barge-Right-In-Anytime- I-Feel-Like-It?

I’ll be right out.

He’ll be right out.

[phone rings]

Hello, I-Check-Up-On-Everyone- Like-I’m-Their-Mother’s Food Emporium. Can I help you?

No, like I said before he’s busy.

Can I take a message?

Okay, Mr. I-Call-Every-Five- Minutes-As-If-That-Will-Help.

I’ll give him the message.

You have a nice day, too.

Okay. Buh-bye.

What a sweet man.

Somebody wanted to see me?

Hey, Mr. I’m-Lost-In-My-Own- Little-World, do you wanna talk?

I haven’t got all day.

Oh, I’m sorry. Are you talking to me?

- Who else? - Oh, I don’t know. I’m Sam.

Sam I-Barge-Right-In-Anytime- I-Feel-Like-It, regional sales director, United Uniforms.

I’m sorry.

You look just like Mr. I’m-Lost- In-My-Own-Little-World, the insurance guy.

It’s good to meet you.

I know where you’re coming from.

Say, you wouldn’t be related to Bob I-Barge-Right-In-Anytime- I-Feel-Like-It, would you?

No. Very common name, though.

Ah, shot in the dark.

Excuse me, is this the store with the leaky pipe?

That’s us. It’s right over here, under the sink.

Say, you’re not our usual repairman.

Where’s Mr. Always-Says- He’ll-Do-The-Job-But-Never- Gets-Around-To-It?

Oh, Mr. Always-Says-He’ll- Do-The-Job-But-Never-Gets-Around -To-It couldn’t make it.

I’m Mr. I-Don’t-Have-To-Do- A-Good-Job-Because-I’m-Just- Filling-In.

[audience laughing]

Well, sorry I couldn’t use anything right now

but you stop by anytime you feel like it,

Mr. I-Barge-Right-In-Anytime- I-Feel-Like-It.

Okay. I will.

Ken, Suzy, what a pleasant surprise!

Hi George.

Suzy wants to show you something.

Oh, could it be...I thought so.

Congratulations, you two.

- Thank you. - Thanks.

Oh, this is exciting.

Well, I guess it won’t be long now before you’ll be

Mrs. I’m-Gonna-Marry- The-First-Girl-Who-Says-Yes.

[audience laughing]

Okay. This is it.

And you’re writing a check, that’s fine.

Yeah. You have a nice day, now.

- You, too. - Thank you.

Oh, oh you forgot to sign your check,

Mr. Hiding-From-The-Mob- Under-An-Assumed-Name.

[audience laughing]

Oh, my God! I think he’s been shot!

Remain calm, folks. I need to use your phone.

Right over here, officer.

Yeah, this is Officer I-Let-My-Imagination-Run-Wild.

We got a possible mob hit, Fifth and Elm.

The victim is a white male, about 35 feet tall.

The assailants drove away in a blue UFO,

it was driven by Michael Jackson and Marlon Brando.

That’s right, that’s right...

[audience cheering]

Hi, I’m Telly Savalas.

[audience laughing]

And if you’re like me, you like to be near the action.

And when there isn’t any action, then you gotta make your own.

And, baby, that’s when you need to join the...

Player-With-Yourselves Club.

[audience laughing]

That’s right, baby!

The Player-With-Yourselves Club card entitles you

to masturbation privileges at hotels all over the world.

In cities like Milan, Paris and Monte Carlo.

Just flash the card, and you’ll get the kind of perks reserved

for players only!

Like unlimited Kleenex!

I’m talking two-ply, baby!

Custom-made squeak-free beds,

and extra-large "Do Not Disturb" signs.

Plus access to an international library of skin magazines

and all the latest videotapes cued up to the good parts, baby!

’Cause players don’t have time to fast-forward!

And you don’t have to stay overnight, pal.

With the Player-With-Yourselves card you can book a room

for stays as short as fifteen minutes.

In and out, baby, ’cause you gotta fly!

So, what are you waiting for?

Take it from Telly.

This card opens a lot of doors!

Well, I gotta go.

I have a date with a Marilyn Chambers classic.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!

The Players-With-Yourselves Club Card. Teenagers eligible, except in Florida.

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] From the nation’s capital, "The McLaughlin Group",

an unrehearsed, hastily assembled program presenting

inside opinions and forecasts on major issues of the day.

With Jack Germonde of the Baltimore Sun,

syndicated columnists Pat Buchanan and Eleanor Clift,

and Morton Kondracke of the New Republic.

Now, here’s the moderator, John McLaughlin.

Issue number 1, the commander-in-chief in Mexico.

Bush wants a free trade agreement, what does President Salinas want? Pat Buchanan!

John, Salinas is playing up his recent economic success

- and steering his... - Jack Germonde!

I don’t think it’s so much what Salinas wants, it’s what...

Eleanor Clift!

John, this is just another case of President Bush trying to push a policy...

I’m not sure Bush has a policy...

Excuse me, Pat, I believe Eleanor has the floor.

Thanks, John.

The hard truth is that Bush needs Salinas more than...

Morton Kondracke!

I think this agreement talk is basically a...

Wrong!

There will be a free trade agreement;

it will take place within one year.

Issue number 2, Maggie out, Major in.

The new British prime minister, some believe he’s a Thatcher clone.

Will he carry out her policies? Jack Germonde!

Well, Thatcherites are privately rejoicing...

Wrong! Mortone.

See, Thatcher endorsed...

Wrong! On a scale of 1 to 14,

1 being lowest degree of unlikelihood, 14 being absolute metaphysical certitude,

what are the chances of Major continuing Thatcher’s alliance

with Bush, vis-a-vis the Iraqis? Eleanor Clift!

I’d say about a 12.

Pat Buchanan!

- Hold it, 14 is most likely? - Yes.

- I’d have to say about a 9. - Jack Germonde!

Lower, like 5.

- Mortone! - 8!

Wrong!

The actual degree of likelihood is 6.5.

Issue number 3, life after death. Some pundits say it doesn’t exist.

Theologians disagree. Is there an afterlife? Jack Germonde!

- I...uh...really don’t know. - Mortone!

- Well, it’s not my field... - Pat Buchanan!

I’d like to believe, but it’s not...

Wrong! There is life after death.

The soul does not ascend to heaven but rather rests in a limbo state

that varies depending on the karma of the spirit.

Issue number 4, Intelligent beings on other planets, yes or no? Pat Buchanan!

I would think so.

Eleanor Clift!

- Don’t know. - Jack Germonde!

- Me, either. - Mortontown!

- Well, no one really knows... - Wrong!

[audience laughing and cheering]

There is intelligent life in the 11th galaxy on the planet Neptar,

which will conquer Earth in the year 5482,

utilizing us for slave labor in their Chelonian salt mines.

Issue number 5, what number am I thinking of? Pat Buchanan!

[audience laughing]

- Geez, uh, 82? - Wrong! Eleanor Clift!

- Is it between 1 and...? - Don’t skirt the issue!

- Uh...40! - Wrong! Mortontyne!

- 212? - Wrong! Jackareeno!

- 2? - Wrong!

The correct answer is 134. 134.

Issue number 6, what did you have for breakfast today? Eleanor!

- Some cantaloupe. - Mortontown, USA!

- I had poached eggs and toast. - Jack Germondo!

- Bacon and eggs. - Patty Patty Buke Buke!

I’m thinking waffles...

Wrong! You all had Special K with banana.

[audience applauding]

Issue number 7, what is issue number 14 going to be?

Some say it will deal with economic matter,

others believe it will involve Germany.

Morteeny-tiny-tabletop!

- Acid rain? - Wrong!

Eleanor-gee-I-think- you’re-swelleanor!

I have no idea.

Wrong! You know quite well, you’re just shy.

Mondo-jackalo-gee-mon- mania-jack.

Well, it might be.

I’m not finished with your name, Germonacle...

...jack-o-lantern-gee- jummy-jummy-jammy-mayhem!

- You’re insane, John. - Wrong!

I’m perfectly sane.

Everyone else, however, is insane and trying to steal my magic bag.

St Patrick of Buchananomics!

- I think I’m gonna leave, John. - Wrong!

You can’t leave, all the doors are locked from the outside. Next issue!

[audience laughing]

What motivates me? Why do I conduct my show in this manner? Mondo!

- You’re a jerk? - Eleanor!

- A really large ego? - Wrong!

I was neglected by my parents and I overcompensate

to shadow my feeling that I have an inadequate intellect. Next issue!

So, you didn’t know your parents very well?

- Wrong! - Wrong?

- Wrong! - Right?

Wrong! Next week the S&L probe continues. Is my money in a safety loan?

If so, what’s my account number? Bye-bye!

[audience cheering]

Wrong!

No!

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] And now, Weekend Update with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

[audience cheering]

Sorry, I had something in my eye.

Good evening and what can I tell you?

On Thursday the UN security council authorized the use of force

if Saddam Hussein does not withdraw from Kuwait by January 15.

To temper these ill winds President Bush announced that

Vice President Quayle will visit the troops on January 14th

at approximately 11.55pm.

[audience laughing]

China did not vote in favor of the use of force resolution

saying they would only support a military offensive

if it was against a country of unarmed teenagers.

Following the election of a new prime minister,

Mrs. Thatcher will now move to 10 Downing and Outing Street.

[audience laughing]

Boy, there’s a guy you feel sorry for, Dennis Thatcher.

I’m sure he’s used to having the house to himself during the day.

Now she’ll be getting in the way as he tries to do his vacuuming.

In Paris this week, Soviet President Gorbachev

disrupted the conference on security and cooperation in Europe

when he began making obscene sounds by copping his palms together.

[audience laughing]

President Bush’s recent European trip during which he visited eight countries

and sat down with every European leader led him to say

that the toughest thing about the journey was the many uncomfortable sofas

he had to sit on.

And immediately upon returning to the White House

he and Barbara strode directly to the White House chiropractor’s office.

[audience applauding]

Globetrotting secretary of state James Baker this week

in a mock press conference in Bogota, Colombia rehearsed for his upcoming visit to Italy.

[audience applauding]

And the tunnel between France and England connected this week.

Lead tunneler for the French LeBeau said,

"Schultz is so stupid!"

[audience cheering]

"Schultz does not even hear the guard dog barking

when we raised the doghouse to go to work each morning."

Yes, the world’s worst French accent.

[audience laughing]

Secretary of Defense Dick Chaney warned this week

that Iraq may have an A-bomb within a year.

Cheney went on to say that they may have the basic A-bomb components now

but they still have a rather crude system for splitting the atom.

[audience laughing]

And here with a commentary on how the Iraq situation affects

the average young American is our own David Spade.

Welcome, David.

[audience cheering]

Thank you, Dennis.

When I look at what’s going on in the Gulf I tend to have empathy for Kuwait.

Because Kuwait is like me in a way.

I was always small and weak and pushed around a lot,

and to me Iraq is like my big brother Brian, who is mean and nasty

and always hassled me and I lived in fear and hated it.

So Iraq attacking Kuwait is like my big brother Brian

coming in my room and attacking me.

So basically what’s going on over there is you’ve got Iraq,

Brian coming over to Kuwait, me, pushing it down against its will

and giving it a big titty twister. Yeah, yeah!

And Kuwait’s going, "Ow, ow, get off me you big psycho!"

But there’s nothing it can do because Iraq’s so big

and Iraq’s gonna whistle, whistle for me little geek!

Whistle!

"There, there, go back to hell!"

But he won’t move and Kuwait is totally helpless.

I know the feeling ’cause I’ve been there a million times.

And he grabs Kuwait’s arm and he goes, "Don’t hit yourself.

Don’t hit yourself.

Don’t hit yourself, boy."

Kuwait’s going, "Oh my God, I’m kicking my own ass."

"That’s right you are, you are you little baby.

You’re gonna cry now, you little puss? You’re gonna cry?

How about I give you a big wedgie and hang you on the door knob, would you like that?

You know you’re adopted. I swear to God, the papers are in dad’s closet.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Oh, wait.

And the US to me is like my mom coming in to finally break it up.

"Hey, get out. Hey, look at me. Get out of there--"

So Dave, Dave.

What are you saying man?

Oh, well, I’m saying that I think we’re doing the right thing over there.

David Spade, ladies and gentlemen.

[audience cheering]

A Federal District Court judge ruled that CNN news network can

now broadcast Manuel Noriega’s taped prison phone calls,

the first in their series of broadcast will begin this week

this one entitled, "Ordering a Baloney Sub."

Future broadcast such as "Reversing the Charges,

and "How are you, Grandma Lopez?" are being scheduled.

Secretary of state James Baker met this week

with foreign minister Isidoro Malmierca of Cuba.

Baker said, "I always try to size a man up when I first meet him and give the Cuban credit.

He wouldn’t pull on it."

[audience applauding]

Baker... went on to add, "But you know, I squeezed one off anyway.

[audience laughing]

I had to.

It’s my way of letting a man know who’s in charge."

US economist this week introduced the new term for the rich of our country.

We now have millionaires, billionaires, trillionaires,

and a new classification for people who say they’re millionaires but really aren’t,

the designation Milli Vanillionaire goes into effect on January 1.

[audience cheering]

Two state lawmakers in Boston filed a bill this week

to prevent singing groups like Milli Vanilli from lip-synching in concert in Massachusetts

without announcing they’re doing it.

And what some would call a related story,

Governor Michael Dukakis announced this week that he will not run again for office

in the state of Massachusetts.

Arizona Senator Dennis DeConcini,

one of the Keating five this week said he was sick of being on the defensive

and plan to go on the offensive against accusers.

DeConcini began to randomly sucker punch members of the ethics committee

and saying "If I were king of the forest."

[audience laughing]

"Pass it down. Sununu’s a creep."

[audience cheering]

Effie Barry, wife of Washington DC Mayor Marion Barry moved out of the couple’s home this week

amidst rumors that she uncovered more drug paraphernalia.

So I guess the last straw was the last straw.

[audience laughing]

Author Saul Bellow received a National Book Foundation medal this week.

Bellow was courageously fighting a rare disease in which

your entire body slowly shrinks with the exception of your bow tie.

Friday, after 15 years of being suspended from an eye beam in New York City

Bob Delmont, the crazy glue guy was freed after workmen...

[audience cheering]

...after workmen used some DD7 to break the bond.

Delmont was met at the base of the building by his wife

and now fully grown children.

NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue this week issued fines

on members of the New England Patriots organization

for their indiscretions in the locker room in the Lisa Olson case.

Owner Victor Kiam said he’d pay the fines but went on to say

he still don’t understand what the big deal was.

He said, "I’ve been in the locker room.

I’ve seen Zeke Mowatt’s penis and I liked it so much I bought the company."

[audience applauding]

The New York City Health Department has recalled 750,000 condoms

distributed through social service groups because the condoms may be faulty.

Health officials would not elaborate on the particular flaw

in each of the condoms, they just said,

"We fear there might be problems in the emission control standards."

The sequel to the film "Three Men and a Baby" opened this week

entitled "Three Men and a Little Lady."

If all goes well at the box office there are plans

for a third film presently titled "Three Men and a Middle Aged Hooker."

Here’s the cover of this month’s Life Magazine asking "Who is God?"

You know, if I’m not mistaken God created Life

and I think we have a conflict of interest here.

It was recently revealed in a new book entitled "Rock Lives"

that The Who’s lead guitarist Peter Townshend in fact

has had gay relationships in his life.

Can you believe it? Townshend? Gay?

I got fooled again.

[audience laughing]

Tommy?

Can you feel me?

Guess what, folks, that’s the news.

[audience cheering]

Yeah. Yeah, and hey Greg I wanted to thank you again for getting me this job.

I think it’s really gonna work out great.

Oh yeah, you know I’ve got one question for you.

You know my supervisor Pat?

Yeah. I hope you don’t think I’m dense or something,

but is Pat a man or a woman?

No, I’m serious.

I gotta go. Bye!

[audience laughing]

How’s it going, Bill?

Great, just working.

Irritating has two R’s.

Thank you.

It’s funny that I’m your boss.

Yeah, yeah.

Excuse me, I’m sorry.

And it’s really hard for me to work when your breath is fogging up the computer screen.

Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll leave you alone.

Okay.

See you later. Buh-bye.

[audience laughing]

Are you mad at me, Bill?

No, no. Why would I be mad at you?

I just thought you might be mad at me.

Oh, no, not at all, Miss, mister, miss...

I’m not quite sure how to address you.

No formalities here. Just call me Pat.

Okay. What’s your last name, Pat?

Riley.

Riley?

Yes.

- Your name is Pat Riley? - Yes.

Like the coach of the Lakers?

Yes.

But there’s one big difference between me and him.

What’s that?

I never coached a professional basketball team.

Oh.

That’s my little joke.

I think humor is important in the workplace,

especially around here.

Yeah.

- Who’s this? Your girlfriend? - Yeah, that’s Tina.

She’s pretty.

[audience laughing]

Thanks.

So do you have a boy... A girl...

Are you married?

I was gonna be married but it all fell apart.

Oh, God what happened?

I don’t know. Ask my ex-fiancé.

Oh, what’s your ex-fiancé’s name?

Chris.

[audience laughing]

Chris, huh? Hmm.

Well, now was Chris involved with anyone?

Yes, Terry.

[audience laughing]

I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just that...

I can’t talk about this anymore.

I guess it’s that time of the month.

Oh, okay.

Bills.

[audience laughing]

Hey, I gotta make a big decision that maybe you can help me with.

I’m trying to decide on what to watch tonight on TV,

either the big Giants-49ers’ game or Murphy Brown.

Look, what are you gonna watch tonight, Pat?

Oh, neither. I rented a movie.

Oh. What did you rent?

Tootsie.

[audience laughing]

I guess I’ll just sit at home alone tonight and watch Tootsie with my cat.

Oh, you have cats.

Yeah, I’ve got an orange little male cat named Gosh,

the male cat and I have little female cat Rita.

Male and female. That’s nice.

I feel kind of funny right now you know so much about me.

[audience laughing]

Well, you know, it’s funny I actually don’t know that much about you.

Well, I think it’s time for my lunch break.

Oh, I know, let’s have lunch together.

Today you’ll pay, tomorrow I’ll pay.

Okay.

Great.

Hey, you know what, I’m a little short on cash though today.

Why don’t you just grab your wallet or your purse...

or your walpurse or...

Oh, that’s alright. I just carry a sport sack.

[audience laughing]

Okay.

[audience cheering]

Hey, soup’s on!

Alrighty!

Well, I hate to stop the fun but we’re gonna have to finish this later tonight. Sorry.

Honey, don’t be nervous. I know my family will love you.

I’ll try my best, sweetheart.

New York sirloins, everybody.

Alright!

Look at that, huh?

- Great! - Oh, boy.

Here you go, Hank. Eat all you can.

Thank you, sir.

By the way, Mrs. Whittle, these steaks look great!

Well, thank you very much, Hank.

But will you do me a favor and call me Doris?

Okay, Doris.

So Hank, where are you from?

[audience laughing]

Seattle.

- Oh, great. - Yeah, it is great.

Have you uh, have you ever been up that way before?

No. No.

But I hear it must be beautiful, though.

What was it like when that Mount St Helen’s thing blew up?

[audience laughing]

It was very, very scary.

Wow, I bet, huh? Amazing, huh?

[audience laughing]

Hey, how many people does that Seattle Kingdome hold anyway?

Many people?

I think around 80,000. And you should see the traffic afterwards.

Where do you work, Mr. Whittle?

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Self-employed.

I make caramel candies down at the cellar.

- Very lucrative! - Oh, I’m sure it is.

[door bell]

Oh, I’ll get it.

Hi, I’m selling raffle tickets for the City’s Boy’s Club.

They’re only a dollar a piece and you can win a free trip.

[audience laughing]

Hey, can I have one of those caramels over there?

Thank you.

So if we win a trip where do we go?

[audience laughing]

- Cancun! - Cancun?

Hey kids, how does Cancun sound, huh?

[audience laughing]

Sounds great!

Really?

Yeah.

[audience laughing]

What do you think, dad?

I’d rather wait for Disney World.

Oh, sorry. Maybe next time, huh?

Thanks!

Buh-bye.

You know what?

Hank’s been to Disney World three times.

Tell them about it, Hank.

Are you alright?

Quick, what’s that maneuver you do when somebody’s choking?

- Heimlich maneuver! - Does anyone know it?

[audience laughing]

Daddy knows it. Daddy knows it.

- Yeah, I do. - I think you should do it.

Alright.

You okay?

[audience laughing]

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Could you pass the peas, Bob? - Do you have any soda water?

[audience applauding]

Davy! Davy Crockett! It’s me, Jim Bowey.

Oh. Hi Jim.

You remember my son, Jed.

He’s a little scruffed up right now.

I climbed me a tree so as I can get honey from a bee hive.

Yeah, he got stung a few times but that’s okay.

He’s a boy!

Davy, Jim!

Well, if it ain’t Daniel Boon and his son Hank.

Howdy?

Yeah, I just came down here to trade a post,

get my boy here a new knife.

I broke the last one fighting a bear.

He fights bears?

Sure he does, he’s a boy!

Hey Davy, where’s that boy of yours?

Oh he’s out raising hell somewhere.

You know boys.

Father, father, father, here you are.

Father, I’ve encountered a dilemma

which perhaps you can help me resolve.

Which of these two bottles would be better for sending messages

to foreign lands?

On the one hand, this bottle here would be more buoyant

because of its lower center of gravity

and greater water displacement

whereas this one is no doubt more durable

because of it’s more thicker grade of glass

and could better survive a white water rafted ride.

I made an inadvertent alliteration, sorry.

Father, your thoughts?

Oh, I don’t know.

He’s your boy, Davy?

Yeah.

That’s my boy.

Waldo Crockett.

Waldo?

I thought his name was Davy Jr.?

Well, that’s his real name but he calls himself Waldo.

Not out of disrespect to my father, mind you,

but merely as an homage to a hero of mine;

Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Uh Emerson?

Transcendentalism?

Representative Man?

Anyone?

[audience laughing]

Listen, why don’t you boys run down to the creek for a swim so these men can talk for a while.

Uh excuse me, I do not swim in the creek past September

- and I’ll tell you why. - Get on down there!

Very well, father.

Wait up, fellows.

[audience laughing]

I gotta be honest with you, Davy,

I don’t know quite what to make of that boy of yours.

I don’t either, Jim.

If he ain’t reading them books, he’s out discovering a new planet

with that telescope of his or he’s watering them hedges.

Hedges?

Yeah, he’s got all these hedges growing all around the cabin.

He cuts them up into different shapes.

It’s like a maze.

And once I get in there I can’t find my way out.

He says it’s easy but it ain’t.

Settle down, settle down Davy.

[audience laughing]

Geez, why don’t you take him out bear hunting or something?

Oh I did but he, he didn’t want to kill nothing and then

when we got home he started reading me these things about how it was wrong,

these Buddhist writings and some stuff from Socrates

and Rousseau and fellows like that.

Boy, I don’t know what to say Davy.

[sound of wild animal]

- Sounded like a cougar! - The boys!

Pa, you’re not gonna believe this!

You should have seen it!

There was this mountain lion that’s gonna attack us but Waldo stared him down.

Well, actually I used hypnosis on him.

[audience laughing]

It’s a technique that’s gaining popularity in Europe

for treatment of multiple personalities and paranoia.

Well, I don’t know about that but you got a hell of a boy there, Davy.

Come on, Waldo, let’s go back to that trading post

and buy whatever you want.

Well, I did have my eye on a particular set of dominoes that I think...

[audience cheering]

Thank you!

Thank you, everybody for being here tonight.

Thanks, Faith No More! They’re a great band!

And thank you, everybody, for asking me back, I had a great time.

Good night, everybody!

[music and cheering]