Original subtitles

(Music and cheers)

Hi. Hello.

Hi! Oh, Regis.

Hi everybody, it’s a beautiful day here in Saudi Arabia.

Oh, you said it, it’s hot though, it’s hot.

Yes, very hot, very hot.

Very hot, yeah.

Of course, we’re not allowed to tell you where we are exactly.

But we’re here, we’ve been here all week. Top secret, top secret.

Spending Thanksgiving with our soldiers.

The man in green, yeah.

That’s right, and it’s been a lot of fun, a lot of fun.

Oh, It’s rewarding. There they are.

It’s rewarding.

Cathy, I think you can take that thing off now.

Oh, I hope so, my pleasure.

Uh! Yeah! Oh!

That’s the veil Cathy has to wear,

the town where we’re staying.

Girly to the max, you know. Yeah.

(Laughter)

A lot of restrictions, lot of restrictions

in this Moslem town.

And of course, we’re putting this up,

but, we should be able to do anything you want.

Oh! Here we go, here we go.

Not to mention the sand in my shoe.

Ouch!

Anyway, you ready for this? You ready for this?

Look, and the Sahara desert in my shoes.

Here we go. Is that enough sand for you?

We have time for this, gentlemen?

Anyway, anyway.

Honestly, Reg, yeah.

We arrived in Riyadh to check in the Ackman Hotel

where we had reservations.

Oh, Reg, here we go now.

And we get there, what happens? Right.

Sorry, President Bush, has the entire hotel.

The entire hotel. He’s the president, Reg.

She’s interrupting me. He’s the president.

You’re just hyper because Harry Hamlin, is going to be on tomorrow.

Reg! No!

Watch out, Gifford.

I love you, Frank, I do.

All right, all right, there is she, there she is.

We know you love him.

I know! I do!

He’s so sweet.

Let it go.

(Laughter)

Anyway, anyway, another hotel, it’s very nice

and I wish the president, well.

We do, yes, we do, yes.

So, so what did you do last night?

Oh, Reg, I played with Cody.

Again, with the Cody.

Oh, I love him.

She brings him everywhere.

He’s here today.

Can we bring him out, would you like to see?

Oh, he’s so sweet. There’s my baby.

Oh, there’s my sweet baby.

What are you doing with his face?

Well, it’s sunscreen, Reg. You know, you can’t be too careful in the desert.

Great, he looks like Al Jolson.

(Laughter) Oh Reg.

Let him get on one knee and say mommy!

Oh, Reg, come on!

Anyway, he’s a cute kid.

It’s his first day in sun,

we want to protect him, we wish him the best.

Ok!

There we go, there we go.

Saying Mammy, OK.

Anyway, he’ll never be tan as Gifford,

but that’s another story. Well---

Anyway, anyway, you ready for this?

We got a great show today. Oh, we sure do, yeah.

Good show, Mr. Food is here with tips on how to stretch your Thanksgiving dollar.

Great! Great, great, great.

Which will be nice. Dr. Timothy Benjamin, the baby psychologist.

He’s a good man.

Yes, she’s a good man, good man.

Radu, the trainer, with some exercises.

That will be fun. That will be fun, yeah. Yeah.

And Kathie lee, I understand you got a little number planned.

(Laughter)

Anyway, anyway, we’re having fun here.

Before we get to the trivia question that was sent to us

from Josephine Bauer from Pensacola, Florida, we got a little thing here.

It says, the Regis, good luck beating the heat.

Here we are. You ready for this?

Is this nice? Look at this.

What is that, Reg?

Look at that - oh, put it on.

You want to see him put it on? Put it on.

Put it on? Put it on!

Anyway, there we are.

I’m in the desert!

Open sesame! I’m in the foreign legion.

I’m out of control! Oh, oh, I’m out of control!

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, are you ready for this? Are you ready for this?

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

(Music and cheers)

It’s Saturday Night Live.

(Music)

With Dana Carvey

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Dennis Miller

Mike Myers

and Kevin Nealon

with Chris Farley

Chris Rock

Julia Sweeney

and featuring, Rob Schneider

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Paul Simon.

And starring, Dennis Hopper.

(Music and applause)

(Music)

* Holiday time every once in a brother. *

* Shows up for dinner, with my father and my mother. *

* Family at the table getting crazy and loud saying--- *

* Ain’t enough Turkey to feed this clan. *

(Music)

* The bird’s too small, to feed us all. *

* But your mama says pump it, pump it up, no pump it. *

* Get a knife in the Turkey, and pump it. *

* Make it big now. *

* Pump it up. *

* Pump it up. *

* The first Turkey dinner was 1620. *

* The Pilgrims had it in the land of plenty. *

* Nothing was chill with the harvest down *

* but the red brother knew he had enough to go around. *

* He do the pumping. *

* Pump it up now, pump it. Pump the bird. *

* Pump it. *

* Make it big now, pump it. *

* Pump it up. *

* So if your holiday table ain’t looking too full, *

* get a Nikey Turkey, it’s adjustable. *

* And, pump it. *

* Pump it up. *

(Man speaking) If it doesn’t say Nikey, it’s not a Turkey.

* Pump it up *

(Applause)

(Music and applause)

(Don Pardo speaking) And now, Weekend Update

with anchorperson, Dennis Miller.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you?

Yesterday, president Bush flew to Prague, Czechoslovakia

launching an eight day tour and it is a hard one.

Yesterday and today, he’s in Czechoslovakia.

Tomorrow, Sunday, He’ll be in Germany and then France

until Wednesday and then, to Saudi Arabia for Thanksgiving.

Then to Egypt on Thursday and Friday

and he’ll return to Washington, DC.

White House travel agent, jay Leno, says what’s the big deal?

You get on the plane, you tell the jokes.

(Laughter)

Former president, Jimmy Carter, this week,

as ailed president Bush’s decision to increase

US troop deployment, in the Persian Gulf

and called for negotiations rather than a, quote,

"massive self-destructive almost suicidal war", end quote.

Bush then reminded Carter of his own heavily botched efforts

to rescue the hostages from Iran in 1980 and Carter said,

all right, all right, I’ll shut up, I’ll shut up.

(Laughter)

Beirut lost its city charter this week and has been

officially declared a huge open air Nintendo game.

The Federal gov’t has announced plans to build 1000 bed prison

in the District of Columbia.

Why don’t we just build it in the Capitol Building.

We can save money on transportation.

The coronation of Emperor Akihito of Japan was marred on Tuesday

when his wife, Empress Michiko, in mid ceremony,

stole the emperor’s wallet, and exploded away from the scene

using the jet pack she has concealed under her kimono.

(Applause)

Vice president Quayle is in Japan this week and clumsily

knocked down a Japanese teenager while going for the bouquet,

at an official state wedding.

(Laughter)

Quayle, Quayle then return to the states

where he stood behind President Bush where upon the president

broke into an impromptu rendition of me and my shadow.

(Laughter)

Donald Trump was late this week on a $47.3 million payment

of the Sloan for the Atlantic City Taj Mahal Casino.

Trump defended his lateness by saying he has misplaced

his payment coupon book.

(Laughter)

Salman Rushdie’s new book, a children’s story,

entitled Haroun and the sea of stories was published this week.

Almost immediately, a new death threat was issued against him

by Dr. Seuss.

(Laughter)

New York witness protection program, is under fire,

due to recent reports indicating leaks in confidentiality.

Complaints were filed by several participants including

Nancy Shenkman, 391 Williston road, Cayugan, New York.

(Laughter)

Here with an editorial about taxes and crime

is SNL correspondent, Chris Rock.

Welcome, Chris.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, Dennis.

(Applause)

Hey, you know before I started comedy,

I used to work at McDonald’s, making minimum wage.

Do you know what it means when somebody pays you minimum wage?

You know what your boss is trying to say?

It’s like, hey, if I could pay you less, I would.

But it’s against the law.

Now, minimum wages to come up to about $200 a week

and then they would take of $50.00 in taxes.

That’s a lot of money if you’re only making $200 a week.

That’s kind of like kicking Monday and Tuesday in the ass,

OK?

I hate taxes.

I hate checks.

I hate the fact that they put to amounts of money on your check.

It’s like, this is the money you work all week for,

and this is what you’re going to get.

I mean, don’t show me this money I’m not getting.

Don’t tease me.

Don’t take off your bra, and say, what you looking at?

(Laughter)

I think taxes are one of the reasons

there’s so much committee.

Other reasons, this big fuss over prison overcrowding.

Prison overcrowding, I don’t get it.

I thought that was the whole idea of prison.

It’s a place for prisoners to feel uncomfortable.

You know, like my house, we slept four to a bed.

We never try to hang my father, you know.

All right, now, the jails are so nice to come back twice, man.

I mean, they don’t have this problem in other countries.

Nobody goes to Siberia twice.

They’ll have this problem in Iraq because it’s hard

to snatch another purse if you don’t have another hand.

(Laughter)

You know---

(Laughter and applause)

Well, It’s pretty hard to lie to the judge

when you have no tongue in your mouth.

It’s like, so when you plead?

(Fooling him self)

And a rapist...

(Laughter and applause)

We’re far too nice to our criminals.

Criminals get three meals a day.

Homeless people, don’t get anything.

That’s messed up, man.

I think criminals should get one meal a day, dinner.

You know, not on a tray like normal people.

Just put a cow on the courtyard, whatever happens, happens.

You know,, you missed a meal, go to death row

and get the extra meat off the electric chair.

Boo.

All right, I know that’s harsh but I hate the electric chair.

You know why, ’cause it’s electric.

Electricity goes through there.

Electricity costs money, taxpayers money, my $50.00,

(Laughter)

to kill a guy that ain’t were 2---

I mean, there’s a lot of cheap ways to kill people,

like stabbing, don’t cause a damn thing.

You know, get a nice little stabbing chair---

All right, that’s all I got to say for this.

Thank you, Chris Rock, yeah, great job.

Thanks a lot.

All right.

(Applause)

Chris Rock

(Applause)

Well, the new Rocky came out this week.

What is this one? Rocky Pie?

(Laughter)

No, actually It’s Rocky five.

You all remember Rocky one, two, three, and four.

(Applause)

In this new Rocky, Rocky boxes Jason for the title,

Jason sticks him with a ginzu, whips off the hockey mask,

he’s James Cisco.

(Laughter)

Here’s another Rocky ad with a review,

"an unqualified hit an unbeatable movie of the heart,

a winner, Joanna Langfield, LBS, movie minute". Wow!

Joanne Langfield, from the LBS movie minutes.

You know, usually when you dip that far down

into the review barrel, you have to use a bathysphere.

(Laughter)

Grammy winning album this week

said that they did not actually sing on the record and

that in concerts the lip sync their entire performance.

Did they really think they could get away with that?

When asked what they plan to do now, Millie on the left,

said he planned to go back to his old job

as the president’s dog.

(Laughter)

Yeah.

(Laughing)

(Laughter)

Yeah.

Yeah! Millie, get off my leg, get off my leg.

The fiesta bowl in Arizona is trying to find teams to play

in its January 1, 1990 games .

Scrabbling began after Arizona, last week,

voted down a Martin Luther king junior holiday.

Virginia, Penn state, and other major teams have all passed

on the fiesta bowl and there now down

to two really small colleges,

you probably never heard of, Holy Burning Cross vs.

the David Duke Blue Devils.

(Laughter)

Palm springs Mayor Sonny Bono an ounce this week

that he will run for the U.S. senate in 1992.

At last, a Bono amidst the bozos.

Macdonald’s corporation this week announced that it’s testing

a new low fat hamburger to please the waistline.

it will be just like the old McDonald’s hamburger

but it will be 91% fat free and 1/32nd of an inch in diameter.

Guess what, folks?

That’s the news and I am out.

(Music) (Cheers and applause)

Well, hi, Pam.

Hi, Donna, god, I need some coffee.

Oh, had a great time of Bowman’s retirement party, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, is Neal in?

Why?

Oh, I was just wondering, you know,

if Neil was in or John or Ted or Kate for that matter.

Individually or in a group just a general, hey/ who’s in?

John, or Ted, or Neil.

Come on, did you sleep with Neal last night?

God, how did you know?

Oh come on, please.

You know, you guys were so drunk,

you are making out on the roof of a car.

Yeah. We were?

Did everybody see?

Well know, but I did.

But then, you know it was my car, so---

(Laughter)

Oh god.

Yeah, so what was he like?

He was great.

I think.

Really?

Please don’t tell anyone.

Oh Kat, this is Donna, you’re talking to.

And besides, who would I tell?

I know, you know how you just have to say that.

I know.

(Laughter)

Well, hello, Neal.

(Laughter)

Hi, Donna.

Hi, Pam.

Hi, Neal.

Just waiting for the Xerox machine to warm up.

Just having a coffee.

So, how you doing?

Fine, how are you?

I’m a little tired today.

Me, too.

We were pretty drunk last night.

Yeah.

I mean, I wasn’t so drunk that I didn’t know what I was doing.

No, I mean, it was nice, wasn’t it?

Yeah, it was great.

So, you have a busy day to day?

Yeah, I have a customer I’m meeting at noon.

So--

Yeah, those are always fun.

Yeah, I know I have a Brisk Myers budget analysis

due at five.

Yeah, yeah, oh, I had to do that last year.

That’s a toughie.

I know, I just got

the advertising figures yesterday, so---

Are you including the eastern hemisphere cost?

Oh, of course, you know, Jim Epperson is always looking

for the eastern hemisphere cost.

Oh yeah, I forgot.

Yeah, on top of it, the legal expenditure ledgers

are totally messed up.

Oh, tell me about it.

You calculated your overhead fees yet?

Yeah.

(Laughter)

I still have interest to calculate.

I have a program that does that.

Oh, is it on Lotus?

(Laughter and applause)

Because the whole program is on Lotus.

Yeah, yeah, I have a disk in my office.

Oh!

Oh great, everybody’s here.

Everybody, we have an announcement.

Before any rumor starts.

Last night, after Bowman’s retirement party,

Henry and I made love.

In the parking lot.

(Laughter)

We decided to begin our relationship

and we just want everybody to know, all right?

Yeah, congratulations.

Thanks, thanks.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Good evening and welcome to what animal were you raised by?

My guest tonight is a man who was raised

by both apes and flamingos.

(Laughter)

But not at the same time.

Is that correct?

That’s right.

First, I was raised by apes, and then by flamingos.

Now how did that happen?

Well, when I was a baby, the airplane I was in

crashed in the jungle and I was raised by apes.

And then the apes tried to build an airplane

but it wasn’t a very good one and it crashed.

And they were all killed.

Yes.

And then what happened?

I was adopted by a group of flamingos.

(Laughter)

And they also tried to build a plane?

Yes, they did, but it was worse than the ape’s plane.

It couldn’t even get off the ground.

It could barely taxi around. It sounded sort of like this---

(Fooling himself) Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa...pa-pa-pa-pa-pa

(Laughs)

(Laughter)

I...yes---

What was your job on the plane?

Well, I was the navigator, but you know, like I said,

we mainly just went around in circles, I mean,

it’s sort of looked like a little rascal airplane.

You know, sticks---

Oh, yes.

You know, it’s odd, isn’t it, that your parents

could already fly, and yet they wanted to fly in an airplane.

It is odd, isn’t it?

What happened to your flamingo parents?

They were killed.

Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. How did that happen?

Oh, I shot them.

You see,, you see, for about a month after the apes,

I was raised by a group of hunters.

So, whenever I’d see mom and dad flying over,

I get this urge just to shoot them and so I did, I did.

Finally.

What other animals were you raise by?

Dung Beatles.

(Soft laughter)

And did they build an airplane?

No, they had absolutely no interest in aviation.

That’s strange, that strange.

Yes.

Now, dung beetles actually eat dung, don’t they?

Know, no, don’t say that. Don’t say that.

Those are my parents.

But it’s true, isn’t it?

No, no, no, shut up, just shut up about it.

Well, I think we better move on.

You know I just want to say one thing.

If you got hungry enough, believe me, you’d eat dung.

(Laughter)

I’m sure I would. I’m sure I would.

But to sum up, what did you learn from your animal parents?

Well, from the flamingos, I think

I learned my sense of justice and fair play.

And from the apes, I learn that

if you put a twig in the hole in a tree, ants will crawl onto it,

and you can eat those ants.

(Laughter)

And what did you learn from the dung beetles?

You know, to be honest with you, not much.

I mean, they were mainly rolling balls of dung

with their hind legs, you know.

Which you ate?

I warned you.

Those are my parents you’re talking about.

(Man speaking) Join us next week

on what animal were you raised by.

(Music) (Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Hi, welcome to gambling to win,

I’m Stan Duffy, professional gambler.

OK, successful gambling is about two basic principles.

Money management and discipline.

It’s important to set a win goal and a lost limit

and when you reach that win goal, you got to have

the discipline to walk away. You got to learn how to quit.

You got to always walk away with something.

All right, now let’s say I walk into the casino

with a bankroll of $100.

And from that, I won $60.00 which I actually just did.

I’m going to take my original bank roll of $100

and I’m going to stick it in my pocket

and I’m going to leave it alone.

I’m going to pretend it’s not even there

because you always got to walk away with something.

All right, so rule number one, never dip into your bank roll.

OK, now, I’m going to play conservative

with my $60.00 winnings and that’s how I want you to play.

Oh, and another thing, a little perk about casinos,

as long as you’re gambling, you always get free drinks.

All right, I’m going to take 25% of my $60.00 winnings or $15.00.

I’m going to place it on black.

There’s all different kinds of ways of winning at roulette.

(Phil Hartman speaking) Stan Duffy’s videotape roulette, how to win,

has taught thousands of gamblers how to win at roulette.

Send $39.95 to Stan Duffy’s casino survival kit.

Visa or MasterCard accepted.

OK, I’ve been here for a while, I’ve lost my $60.00 winnings

but I’m still playing.

Did I dip into my back row?

Yes, I did and I’m not proud of it.

(Laughter)

But remember rule number two, what the hell?

How often do you make it to Vegas.

Am I right?

All right, oh, thank you very much.

Now, I’m going to take 50% of my a regional bank roll, all right?

And I’m going to place it on 24 black.

Why? Because my mechanic is 24 and Afro American.

I think there’s something there.

All right, Now I’, going to leave the rest of my bankroll

in my pocket and I’m going to pretend it never existed

because you always get to walk away with something.

Plus, I’m still taking advantage of the free drinks.

(Soft laughter)

OK, OK, my number didn’t come up, but we’re still in the game.

Why? Because I still got $50.00 left on my original bank roll.

I almost forgot it was in there.

All right, I’m going to take $40.00 off it

and I’m going to put it on the red.

Why? Because I got a hunch.

Rule number three, always follow your hunch.

Now, you notice I’m saving $10.00.

Why? Because you always got to walk away with something.

I’m going to say that $10.00 for food, lodging,

and transportation.

I’m going to put it back in my pocket.

It’s not even here. OK? It doesn’t even exist.

OK, let’s see what happens.

Stan Duffy’s videotape casino buffets on how to sneak in,

has helped scores of unlucky gamblers return to the tables

on a full stomach.

Order your tape now.

OK, it’s 4:00 AM.

I won $20.00 then I got a little excited,

got a little sloppy and I lost it.

Including the $10.00 I was saving for food and lodging,

but it’s OK.

I took out a loan of $150 from a guy named Sal.

Interest rates are very high, but it’s OK.

I know I’m going to win big tonight.

It’s not even a question.

I know what I’m doing, he’s going to get his money back.

It’s going to be all right.

Stan Duffy’s videotape hiding in creating an alias

has helped hundreds

of unlucky gamblers disappear without a trace.

Order your tape now.

OK, I lost everything but I still have a drink.

And if I look like I’m still gambling,

I can probably still get free drinks.

Rule number six, look like you’re still gambling

and get those free drinks.

I’m walking away with something.

Stan Duffy’s videotape alcohol and gambling,

why you can’t quit, not now anyway. Order today.

(Applause)

(Music)

(Music playing)

Are we going to take this picture or stand here all day?

General Bolregad, I can understand

and I appreciate your patience, but I simply cannot begin

until General Stewart gets here.

Where is General Stewart,

he knew this was scheduled for 3:00?

Can we just take the picture without him?

Jeb Stewart is the eyes and ears of this army.

I can’t have a group portrait of my staff and not have him in it.

Well, I think it’s really selfish.

He knew we said 3:00, it’s 3:15 already

and I waited here since 2:45.

It’s really selfish. I’m going to go find him.

No wonder we aren’t winning the war.

We can’t even get together to get a stupid group picture.

Here we go, General.

Thank you, Nero.

Here’s your clean sword.

Here comes General Stewart now.

There he is, finally.

Someone told me the blacksmith’s tent.

Hopping over there for half an hour.

Who told you the blacksmith’s tent?

It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter.

Can’t we just take the picture now?

I believe some of us are involving a little thing

called the civil war.

I am ready.

Wait a minute, were is General Bolregard?

He was just here.

He went looking for General Stewart.

Which way? I’ll go find him.

No, you stay right here, do not move.

Oh, here he comes.

Bolregard, why do you do this to me?

Well, hold on, I am the victim here, I was here at 2:45.

Let’s begin, shall we?

All right, gentlemen, shall we find our pose?

General Lee, you’re fine, seated there, very good.

General Bolregard.

Why don’t you try leaning on your sword?

Something like this, yes, very good.

Colonel Patterson, would you perhaps stare off

at an odd direction for me.

Major Mackenzie, could use stare off at the opposite direction,

thank you.

General Stewart, how about folding your arms?

Very good, fine.

General Hood, why don’t you switch places with Colonel Patterson?

There we go and kind of tuck in there nicely.

There we are, very good.

OK, we all have our positions.

Oh, I do have an idea.

Yes?

How about general Hood and I hold our swords out like this,

while Colonel Patterson, he stands on a barrel

and then we can lift him up.

What do you think? Hold him up?

What do you think about trying something like that?

No, General Stewart, there’ll be none of that.

Jefferson Davis is probably going to look at this picture

and I don’t want to be seen joking around

with a couple of goofballs.

Yes, sir.

All right, are we all in?

Come on, Nero, get in here.

Me?

No, General Hood, you don’t want me in your picture.

Don’t be silly, come on.

Well, OK.

(Laughter)

What is he doing in the picture?

Come on, he’s been a big help.

Besides, he puts up a lot around here.

All right, well, next time, ask me first.

Let’s take a picture.

All right, gentlemen.

Now, look who’s in the center again.

What?

Oh, I don’t care, you want to stand here?

No.

No, you, General Hood because I don’t care.

Forget it.

Shall we proceed?

All right, gentlemen.

One, two---

three. (Soft explosion)

All right, now hold on.

Let’s get out of here.

Now, hold on, just a minute, I’m sorry, sir,

I know you’re going to kill me, but I forgot to put

iodine solution on the silver plate.

We’ll just have to do this...

Oh no.. Come on.

Sorry, gentlemen, we have to do it once more.

That’s all.

That’s all right, I think my eyes were closed.

Well, leave them open.

All right, are we ready?

One, two, three.

(Music) (Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Paul Simon.

Dennis Hopper.

(Both laugh)

Lorne Michaels, happy birthday.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)