Original subtitles

(Don Pardo speaking) And now the president of the United States, George Bush.

Hi, it’s me again.

You know, this past Tuesday, nearly one

and every four Americans,

participated in a glorious celebration of freedom

over there, casting ballots for their favorite candidates,

be they Democrat or Republican, Socialist or Nazi.

(Laughter)

And on Tuesday, the Papal sent a message

to those of us who serve.

The message was a little scary, a little frightening.

My approval ratings are down a little bit.

They’re going down there.

They were up here, now, they’re here.

Not as bad as Carter, down here.

(Laughter and applause)

But down, that downward trend,

don’t like the direction they’re taking.

This is good here, that’s good.

That’s bad.

Worst.

(Laughter)

Now, the pundits say I’m vulnerable in ’92.

They’re talking about New York’s Governor Cuomo over there.

A friend of mine, know him by his first name, Mario.

(Laughter)

Not a familiar name to many Americans, Mario.

You know, you don’t see a lot of Mario’s in Tennessee

or down that Missouri area.

(Laughter)

Mario. We debate in ’92.

I can see me, using that name a lot.

Mario, I just have to disagree with you on that one, Mario.

Mario and I are good friends, but I just think,

you’re wrong on this one---

Mario.

(Laughter and applause)

And Cuomo, ends in vowel there,

not too many presidents have ended in a vowel.

Kennedy, that’s a "Y" and Y’s dong count.

McKinley, Y, Pierce, silent E.

(Laughter)

Then of course there is Mr. Saddam Hussein, a bully.

A big bully out there and like a bully, you got to scare him.

You got to talk tough now Mr. Hussein.

Watch me talk tough.

Amassed against you are twenty seven armored divisions,

eight tactical fighter wings with 12 thousand beautiful

sidewinder missiles, impossible to trace.

They’re here, then they’re here.

(Laughter and applause)

Scary.

Scary.

(Laughter)

And don’t think we’ll attack you in broad daylight, Mr. Hussein,

because our technological superiority will allow us

to take the battle to you in dark of the night,

darkness everywhere.

These are infrared night vision goggles.

What I’m about to demonstrate is a little frightening,

you may want to get the kids away from the TV there.

Take the glasses off.

Okay, turn out the lights.

(Laughter and applause)

There. There you go, Mr. Hussein.

Imagine 400,000 of these babies coming at you.

(Laughter and applause)

Kind of like Cujo.

(Whispers) It’s scary. It’s scary.

Scary.

Whoa!

(Screams) Huh-huh-huh.

Dan, don’t ever sneak up on me like that again.

(Cheers and applause)

And Dan, you know, these are not-these are not toy things.

These are not things to be played with,

to spook your golfing buddies here.

They’re not a little toy.

Sorry, I got a little carried away.

Are you sorry?

Are you gonna do it again?

Not gonna do it?

Not gonna do it.

Are you feeling better? Feel better.

All right, now, come on up here then.

(Laughter and applause)

Been a good boy.

Good boy, you get to go ahead and say it.

Go ahead.

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

(Music) (Cheers and applause)

It’s Saturday Night Live,

With Dana Carvey

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Dennis Miller

Mike Meyers

and Kevin Nealon

with Chris Farley

Chris Rock

Julia Sweeney

and featuring Rob Schneider

David Spade

G.E. Smith

and the Saturday Night Live band

Musical guest World Party

And starring Jimmy Smits

(Music)

Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Smits.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, Thanks very much, G.E.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks.

It’s really-I’m really jazz about being your host

this Saturday Night Live.

I’m especially happy to be here because after leaving

on the west coast for five years now, doing LA Law.

I---

(Cheers and applause)

Jackson, Jackson! It’s really nice to come back

and work in my home town, New York City.

(Wild cheers)

(Cheers and applause)

But you know there’s another reason

that I wanted to host the show

and as American of Latino descent,

I think it’s really important to remind people that there are

a lot of us around, you know, in fact nearly,

20% of the people that are watching this show tonight,

speaks Spanish as their native language.

So that’s why---

(Cheers and applause)

That’s why it’s a condition of me doing the show,

I insisted on a simultaneous Spanish translation

of my monologue.

So are you ready, Don Pardo?

(Don Pardo speaking Spanish) Con mucho gusto, Jimmy.

(Laughter)

Okay.

So I got...this happening this morning

I went to the library, right?

(Don Pardo speaking) Esta manana fue a la biblioteca.

Yeah.

So at the library there are many books.

En la biblioteca hay muchos libros.

(Laughter)

It was all very interesting.

E interesante.

Yeah.

The librarians name is Mr. Lopez.

El doctor de la biblioteca es senor Lopez.

Mr. Lopez is very nice.

Hey, Jimmy.

Once again, Mr. Lopez is very nice.

Jimmy.

Yeah.

You’re telling in telling us to wrap this up,

it’s starting to wear thin.

In espanol por favor.

No es interesante.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, anyway we got a great show for you tonight.

Tenemos un gran espectaculo esta noche.

We got World Party.

(Loud cheers and applause)

El mundo fiesta.

You guys, stick around

we’re gonna be right back.

(Loud cheers and applause)

(Man speaking) You look good now, but you could look better.

(Music)

You’ve tried all the hair replacement products

but nothing seems to work.

Well, now, there is a solution.

It’s Chia Head.

(Laughter and applause)

Scientist and gardeners at the Chia Institute in Chia,

Wisconsin has finally found the answer to male baldness.

It’s quick and easy to use.

Just apply the scientifically formulated Chia mud

to your scalp.

Then add the Chia seeds.

Sprinkle with water and get a good night sleep.

(Laughter)

You’ll see results immediately and with your full head

of Chia hair, you’ll attack the day with new confidence.

Here’s what our clients are saying.

Let’s be frank, it’s an unfair world

and personal appearance does matter.

Going bald at 16 was tough on me, but now,

I feel like one of the guys again.

A lot of products make a lot of promises but I can tell you,

Chia Headactually works.

(Music)

So, if you have male pattern baldness, get the edge.

(Together) The Chia edge.

Do not expose Chia wigs to direct sunlight.

Excessive moisture may hasten decomposition.

Not to be used in salads.

(Cheers and applause)

(Woman speaking) The fighting for now is over,

that is small consolation.

This is Robin Fletcher for NBC News,

reporting from Managua, Nicaragua.

What do you think?

Well, it’s a nice report, but

is this the week to cover Nicaragua?

Well, I think Nicaraguais important and not just Nicaragua

but also, Hondurasand especially, El Salvador.

But wasn’t the big story the defeat of Ortega

and the fall of the Sandanistas?

(Laughter)

Excuse me, everybody.

I’d like you to meet our new economics correspondent,

Antonio Mendoza.

(Laughter)

Well, Antonio Mendoza.

Well, it’s nice to meet you, Antonio.

(Laughter)

I’m sorry, is it, Mendozaor Mendotha?

Mendoza, just Mendoza.

Oh.

All right, okay.

Well, Antonio---

(Laughter)

Cathy, here was just talking about

our coverage of Nicaragua.

(Laughter)

Yeah, well, I think that the economic development in that

region is gonna be a real big story.

Yes.

Especially, now, that they have to worry about the Contras.

(Laughter)

Yeah.

Food delivery.

Oh, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right here.

Okay.

Antonio, please feel free.

We always ordered too much food.

No, thank you.

Thanks very much.

Okay.

Okay, all right.

Who had the enchiladas?

Oh, that’s me.

Okay.

We also have a combination bean burritoand chili con carne.

Well, I had a burritoand huevos rancheros

Oh, there’s no huevos,

they must have screwed up.

Antonio, you’re welcome to have my chili con carne.

(Laughter)

No.No.

No, thanks, so you guys really like Latino food, huh?

Well, you know, I grew up in Los Angeles.

(Laughter and applause)

Yeah, that explains this.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hey, how are you? (Cheers and applause)

Good to see you.

I heard you had some enchiladas.

Oh, man.

We’ve got some dynamite Jimmy Junkas, too.

Oh, great.

Great, can I dig in?

Sure.

Bob, this is our economics

Oh, hi.

Antonio Mendoza.

Well, nice to meet you.

Antonio---

Bob Costas.

(Laughter)

Nice to see you.

So Bobby, have you got any hot picks for us this weekend?

Well, I like the Broncos.

(Laughter)

The Broncos, you’re nuts.

No way, the Broncosbeat San Diegoin San Diego.

You’re out of your mind.

Oh, fine and this is the guy who picked Tampa Bay

by six over San Francisco.

Okay.

Okay.

Dan, I’m sorry.

I couldn’t find the file on Costa Ricaand also the garage

called and they said someone left their lights on,

a blue Camarro.

Oh, oh, geez. That’s me.

Save me some huevos rancheros.

Caramba.

You know, I’m sorry.

I’ve just been noticing that you guys really

are up on your Spanish pronunciation.

(Everybody) Oh, thank you.

But, if you don’t mind, if you don’t mind me saying so,

sometimes this Spanish words when you take them and you

sort of kind of over pronounce them

and it, it’s kind of annoying.

Really?

Really? Yeah.

Well, give us an example.

Okay, what do you call the kind of storm you get with high winds

and a big funnel cloud?

A tornado, why?

(Laughter)

Never mind.

Never mind.

You know, on second thought I think I will have an enchilada.

A what?

An enchilada, I’ll have an enchilada.

I’m sorry.

(Hits the table and yells) An enchilada.

Oh, okay.

(Laughter and applause)

(Yelling) Antonio Mendoza would like

an enchilada.

It would be very muy bueno,

Yeah, I would make him feel really good

to have an enchilada.

Hey, this guy is all right.

(Cheers and applause)

(Man speaking) It’s BBC1 and its five o’clock.

(Flat tone)

I hope you enjoyed all five hours of the old England

sheep dog trials from and before that,

I hope you enjoyed, hovercraft UK, and now boys and girls,

it’s time to visit our little friend, Simon.

(Musicbox playing)

* Well, you know my name is Simon *

* and I like to do drawings. *

* I like to draw all day long, *

* so, come and paint drawings with me, *

* come and do drawings with me. *

Hello, my name is Simon.

(Laughter)

I like to do drawings.

I’m having my bath now.

Every day at five, a lady comes and baths me.

Don’t look at my bum.

Don’t look at my bum.

I don’t look at your bum.

Bum looker.

(Laughter)

Chickee monkey.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah. I like to do drawings.

My daddy works for a big American company.

He’s ever so nice.

He travels all around the world and he always takes me with him.

Every day he goes to work and every day I stay

in the hotel room and do drawings.

At night, he tucks me in and then he says,

"Are you my little Simon?"

And I say, "I am."

And then in the morning, he says,

"Are you still my little Simon?"

And say, "I still am."

And then he goes to work and the cycle continues.

(Laughter)

So you see I get to see a lot of him,

although sometimes I think he forgets he has a little boy,

but, still he buys me any toy I want.

Once, he bought me, Action Man,

which is like a British version of G.I. Joe,

except that Action Manhas to serve in Northern Ireland.

(Laughter)

Do you want to see a drawing of my daddy?

Do you?

Do you?

You do?

Here he is.

This is my dad, by himself, without his son, as usual.

I can draw him in 12 strokes.

I’ve been around the world with my daddy, Paris, Cairo,

New York, the Soviet Union.

I could take you there right now with my drawings if you like.

Around the world in 70 strokes.

Do you want to come with me?

Do you?

(Crowd cheering) Yeah.

Do you?

You’re ever so nice.

Brilliant.

All right, this is Paris.

All right?

City of light.

We had a great hotel room.

We had a great view.

There is the Eiffel Tower.

There is the Arc de Triomphe.

All right, then.

Oh, oh, don’t look at my bum.

(Laughter)

I caught you sneaking a peek, Chicky monkeys, all of you.

(Laughter)

Here’s Cairo.

We had a great hotel room because they’re always,

always giving us grapes.

I love grapes.

Grape is my favorite food.

It’s what Tarzan would eat.

There’s the pyramids and finally---

Bum lookers!

(Laughter)

Finally, here’s New York.

I didn’t like New York.

People always washing windows and what you could see,

all you could see was across the street to another building.

Daddy says it’s the financial capital of the world,

where people’s lives are bought and sold.

Every day like there’s so much human cattle.

But, all I could see were other windows.

I think New York is vastly overrated.

(Musicbox playing)

Oh, it’s time for letters.

Brilliant.

Okay, the first letter is from John Procter,

from Betchley-Upon-Thump in Yorkshire and he writes:

"Dear Simon, how come we never see your mommy?"

Well, daddy says mommy is with the angels.

I used to be able to draw my mommy in 9 strokes,

but I can’t remember what her face looks like anymore.

Oh, don’t be sad.

You can’t be sad.

It gives me artistic license.

I could put horns on her, put wheels on her,

make her 20 feet tall, who’s to know?

The next letter, is from Robin Hughes,

from ,which I believe is in Wales

and she writes: "Dear Simon,

why are all your drawings from hotel rooms?"

Well, Robin, as you could imagine

I get asked that question quite a lot.

The reason is, I never get out of the hotel room.

One of the ladies who baths

said a word, she said, "Neglect."

But, I’m not sure what that means.

Right?

It’s time to go.

I’m starting to get prune hands.

I can’t do my drawings when I got prune hands.

Pretty soon, Lamelle, the lady who baths me

is gonna come in and make sure

I wash everywhere,

especially my bits and pieces.

Chicky monkey, all right there.

Bye, everybody.

Bye.

(Cheers and applause)

* And you know my name is Simon, *

* and I love to do drawings. *

(Cheers and applause)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking) And now, Weekend Update

with anchor person, Dennis Miller.

(Cheers and applause)

Good evening and what I can tell you?

In addition to the 220,000 US troops already in the Persian Gulf,

President Bush has ordered in an additional deployment

of 100,000 more troops, more tank divisions and a doubling

of the navy’s present fire power.

Saddam Hussein watching every move Bush makes,

has estimated that the majority of the US forces are now

in the Middle East, leaving our own national borders

virtually unguarded.

This morning, Iraq secretly pulled out of Kuwait

and are presently, occupying Rhode Island.

(Laughter and applause)

Saddam Hussein has further confuse the volatile oil market,

but stating that he will make more oil available, but,

"Not the kind you want."

(Laughter)

Seems like everybody is saying, "I just don’t do anything

anymore, that I’m completely inactive."

Let’s see, no-no, there’s a pause.

There’s a pause.

(Laughter and applause)

Hi, my name is Faisal---

(Laughter and applause)

and you are a truly ugly woman.

(Laughter)

Nonetheless, may I buy you a drink?

Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney this week said that

neither he nor chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,

Collin Powell, nor his friend on the left, Mr. Ducky,

could lend any credence to rumors

of yet another troop buildup in Saudi Arabia.

This is Washington Mayor Marion Barry and his wife after he lost

his bid for Washington city councilman in Tuesdays election.

Immediately, after this photo was taken,

an unrepentant Barry jammed the car radio antenna

in the foreground, completely off his left nostril.

(Laughter)

Barry, then said he was leaving politics and planned to enter

the commercial world as pilot for Northwest Airlines.

(Laughter and applause)

Democrat Anne Richards, won the governor seat of Texas

by defeating Republican Clayton Williams.

The millionaire’s campaign was stymied when it was discovered

that most of his constituency was allergic to him.

(Laughter)

The historic chess match continues this week between

Garry Kasparov and Anatoly Karpov here in New York.

Kasparov took the lead yesterday when his General grant took

Karpov’s Jeb Stuart, leaving General Lee unprotected.

Okay, we’re getting pretty close to the ground.

You better reach back and pull on it.

(Laughter)

Here we see Basey, a giant panda

at the Fuzos Zoo in Beijing.

She shows a special talent for weight

lighting earlier this week.

Now, I’ll tell you what the most amazing and I should add,

most frightening thing about this photo is,

that pandas are so rare, they frequently have to work out

without a spotter.

(Laughter)

The ending of the New York City’s 21st annual marathon

last Sunday was marred when winner Douglas Wakahari

was mugged at the finish line

by New York Mayor David Dinkins.

(Laughter)

Yeah.

(Applause)

Dinkins defended his action by saying, "The city needs money,

he was the winner.

I knew he had money?"

(Laughter and applause)

Over 25,000 runners entered the marathon and right now

in Central Park the last runner

is about to cross the finish line.

It’s always an inspiring moment.

We go now to Jan Hooks, live in Central Park, Jan.

Yes, Dennis, you know we always hear about the front runners

in sporting events, but everyone who finishes this grueling test

of endurance, is indeed a winner.

You know there’s one runner left whose dedication is about to,

to take him across that finish line and---

and I think he’s almost here.

I think he’s-yes, here he---

Whoa!

Finished the marathon.

Whoa!

(Fooling himself)

(Laughter and applause)

What’s your name?

Rick Decatur.

I did it.

26.2 miles, whoa!

(Laughter)

Rick, I can see that you’re not handicapped at all.

No, way baby.

It’s all there.

(Laughs and burps)

Yeah, well, then why did it take you six days

to finish the marathon?

Oh, man, six days?

I didn’t ... oh, man.

I’m sorry.

I didn’t-I didn’t know.

I’m sorry.

It was just so much fun you know

and there are all these people cheering and---

Right.

and you know, I just-I just wanted to talk to them and

I don’t know, they all-they took me to these intense

bars in Brooklyn

and I went to this rib joint and I’m sorry.

I guess, I’m still a little drunk.

(Laughter)

Yeah, right.

It seems that way.

Yeah.

But I did it! And that’s all that counts man.

(Screaming) Whoa!

I finished the marathon.

All right, but why did you even to bother to enter the marathon?

It’s ridiculous.

What do you mean?

I did it-I did it to prove a point.

You know, that anyone can run in a marathon.

It doesn’t matter if you’re out of shape

or if you don’t have any stamina.

You can do it, whoa!

Yeah, but---

No buts, I did it and you can too.

You just have to believe you can do it and you-you don’t have to,

you know, you don’t have to prepare either.

You know, don’t let anyone tell you that you have to prepare.

That’s negative, man.

And you got to take those negative thoughts

and just get them out of your head, you know,

because you can finish,

just take your time, you know, that’s the key thing,

just have fun.

No rush, baby.

Believe it.

Yes, you can.

Whoa!

Well, there’s your last winner Dennis.

Whoa!

Gerald, where were you man?

Where was I, man? Where was you?

I was at Nelligan’s, man.

Well, man I didn’t even make it to Nelligan’s.

I beat you man.

I beat you.

We did it, man.

We finished.

( Yelling) We finished!

Back-back to you, Dennis.

Thank you. Wow!

(Applause)

At least, we didn’t see his ass this week.

(Laughter and applause)

Hey ... a Universal Studios security guard

is suspected of setting the massive fire this week

that swept through the back lot of the studio

causing damages in the neighborhood of $20 million.

Following the incident the guard was heard saying

that "voices" told him to do it.

Universal immediately filed a multi-million dollar damage suit

against Mel Blank Jr. Among the structures destroyed

was one that ABC TV official said was,

"An essential set of the TV series Coach."

Now, ABC, I don’t want to beat up on you guys about this,

because we’re competing networks but nothing,

I repeat nothing about the show, Coach, is essential.

(Laughter and applause)

Well, I hope Craig T. Nelson is not angry at me.

You know, it’s always the security guard, isn’t it?

You got to keep your eyes on this periphery guys.

It’s always the guard or the busboy or something, you know,

when I check in to a hotel now, they always have that chart

on the back of the door, how to safeguard yourself

in the event of a fire.

If you really want to safeguard yourself,

call down to the front desk and ask him if they recently fired

any illegal aliens from the kitchen stuff.

It’s always some edgy drifter from Tunisia,

who’s a little ticked off at the comprehensive dental plan

and decides to torch you to get back

at the Ramada family.

(Laughter)

God save the queen from her own taste in fashion.

(Laughter)

On ABC tonight, it was finally revealed after low

these many months, who killed Laura Palmer and I,

like most of you didn’t even dare to check in and see,

because you know, right now, my interest

in who killed Laura Palmer dwells right in

that real deep valley, between the Twin Peaks.

(Laughter)

Media billionaire Ted Turner is engaged

to marry Jane Fonda, next year.

Cable News Network reported last night from Atlanta.

Turner evidently, went out and both Jane a ring this week.

He bought her a huge ruby ring

which he had colorized to look purple.

(Laughter)

Hey look, guys, Christie Brinkley.

(Laughter)

Vice President Dan Quayle, toss the coin prior

to last Monday’s night football game

in Indianapolis between the Colts and the Giants.

No, not tonight I know what you’re thinking

but no more Quayle jokes.

He flipped the coin really well.

He likes to play with shinny things.

(Laughter)

Honey, the switch on the wall doesn’t seem to do anything---

(Screams) Oh, help!

(Soft laughter)

No, you can’t come in.

It said right on the invitation, black tie only.

Now, get away before we call the police.

(Cheers and applause)

This week, John F. Kennedy Jr.

after three tries finally passed

the New York state bar exam.

Judges said-yeah, congratulations.

(Cheers and applause)

Judges said that his knowledge of torts and case law

was below average but he creamed the field

in the swim suit competition.

(Cheers and applause)

Hello, counselor.

(Laughter and applause)

Prince, Graffiti Bridge, music is the power,

love is the message, truth is the answer, where is the film?

Guess what folks, that’s the news and I am---

(News music theme) (Cheers and applause)

(Man speaking) Live from Canteen, California,

a city so bad it has a drive by shooting lane.

It’s the dark side with Nat X.

The only show on TV written by a brother,

produced by a brother and starring a brother.

Now, get ready for a man who’s so black,

he goes to funerals naked.

Step back, because here is Nat.

(Music and applause)

Peace, brothers and sisters and welcome to the show.

I’m your host Nat X.

In the next 15 minutes that’s right.

This is the only 15 minute show on TV, why?

Because the man would never give a brother like me

a whole half hour.

(Laughter)

The man will give Pat Sajak,

Joan Rivers and Rick Dees

an hour but a brother like me, no way.

I think we all know who the man is.

I’m talking about the same man that called all his

bad children, the children the black sheep.

I’m talking about the same man that made the black jelly bean

that worst tasting candy on earth.

(Laughter)

All right, you all, it’s about time for the top five.

Why five?

Because the man would never give me 10 of anything,

I’m lucky to get five.

Tonight the top five reason white people can’t dance.

(Laughter) (Drums rolling)

Reason number five, too busy counting their money.

(Laughter and applause)

Reason number four, too busy counting my money.

(Laughter and applause)

Reason number three, small thighs make it too hard to dip.

Reason number two, they’re inferior

and the number one reason white people cannot dance.

Well, they can, they’re just waiting

for the waltz to come back.

(Drum hit)

(Loud cheers and applause)

And that’s the top five.

That’s all I could get from whitey right now.

(Rock music)

Oh, no, here it comes.

It’s the white-man cam.

It’s the white-man cam. (Music and police sirens)

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

(Music)

The white-man cam.

You know, I haven’t had that much fun

since I saw Weezie Jefferson naked.

(Laughter)

Our first guest tonight has been playing

Attorney Victor Sifuentes, on NBC’s hit television show,

LA Law.Please welcome, Jimmy Smits.

(Cheers and applause) (Music)

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.

How are doing man?

Could you tell the brothers what’s going on?

Well, you know, things couldn’t be better.

LA Lawjust won an Emmy this year

for the best dramatic series.

(Loud cheers and applause)

Thank you.

And you know, I don’t know, we’re just looking forward

to many, many more.

All right, I got a question.

How did they treat you out there?

I mean, do they let you eat with them?

Yeah.

Yeah, I eat with the whole cast.

We all eat together.

But do they speak to you like a person, I mean,

when some things are missing on the set,

I bet you they come after you first.

(Laughter)

No. No. No, Nat.

No, it’s not like that.

Everyone treats me great, Susan Dey, Corbin Bernsen, Blair,

the whole cast its great.

All right. All right.

Do they know you’re not white?

I think that’s-yeah, they know that.

Then they blame the black guy then?

No.

No, Nat.

(Laughter)

We’re like a family.

We all work together.

There’s a lot of love there,

everybody is cool with each other.

Fine. Fine. Fine.

I got a question for you.

I’ve got two questions for you.

Okay.

Do you need any quarters?

No, why would I need any quarters?

Oh, since you got your brainwashed,

I thought you might want to get a drier.

(Laughter)

Sand man, get him out of here.

Get this guy out of here.

Wake up boy.

Wake up.

The revolution will not be televised.

Will not be televised.

Get him out of here.

(Music)

Okay, had to get rid of him.

Our next guest, the professional boxer

and a regular on this show, one of my favorites,

let’s give a welcome to the great white hope,

Jerry Cooney.

(Music and applause)

Well, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, it’s a great pleasure

to see you again.

Well, thank you, Mr. X.

it’s nice to be back on your show.

Yeah, I bet it is a great to be back on my show.

This is the only time you can get this close to a black man

without getting your ass kicked.

(Laughter and applause)

Sand man, give me a tone.

(Drums rolling)

32,680,560,000.

What’s that a telethon thing?

No, that’s how much money white people lost betting on you.

I got an idea. I got an idea.

Why won’t you fight Mike Tyson?

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

All right, you heard it here.

Cooney and Tyson, all right.

You know, all I could say is Tyson better be ready.

He better be ready.

Oh, I can’t wait to see that.

He better be ready.

(Music)

Wow!

I guess our 15 minutes is up.

Check us out next week for stupid white tricks, you know,

I got to disappear so the white man to do his news cast

check us out again.

Jerry Cooney will be back.

Peace.

(Music)

(Cheers and applause)

(Soft music)

(Man speaking) And now, Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral,

which have been painted brown and attached to the skull

by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

(Laughter and applause)

I sent that package up to the bank, Jimmy.

Good work, Frank.

Good work.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Mrs. Johnson.

How are you doing, Mrs. Johnson?

Hi guys, how are you doing?

Good, beautiful day today, huh, Mrs. Johnson?

Oh, it sure is.

Yeah, could go any minute though.

Yeah, bring a sweater with you just in case.

Yeah, I got one, see?

Okay, see you later guys.

Okay, see you, Mrs. Johnson.

See you.

That Mrs. Johnson, she’s one nice lady.

Yeah, she sure is.

Yeah and pretty too.

Oh, yeah, pretty lady.

Yeah, sure is.

Jeez, I’d love to buff her.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, it’ll never happen though.

Hey, no chance, too ugly.

Yeah, me too.

Got nothing going for me.

Yeah, me neither. No money, not smart.

Sure is pretty, Sure. though.

Oh, yeah, while I’m buffing my wife, I think about her.

Oh, sure, can’t blame you.

Yeah.

I picture her when I’m wanking it.

Oh, yeah, me too.

You still wank?

Oh, sure.

Yeah. Pretty lady.

(Laughter)

Hey, Frankie.

Hey, Mr. Claymore, how are you doing?

Somewhere, Mr. Claymore?

Yeah, go figure, huh?

Okay, take care, Mr. Claymore.

Okay, see you fellas.

See you, Mr. Claymore.

That Mr. Claymore, he is one nice man.

Yeah, he sure is.

I guess the bigger they get, the nicer they get.

Yeah and he’s a big man all right.

That’s a rich man.

Oh, yeah, he could buy and sell me over a hundred times.

Oh, yeah, it wouldn’t be worth the trouble though for me.

Nah.

Nah.

I’m dirt compared to him.

Sure, I’m a piece of crap.

I’m pile of crap.

Yeah, me too.

The man’s got bigger fish to fry than us.

Sure, better things.

Man’s got an exciting life and I don’t.

Me neither.

Yeah, never will.

No, sir.

(Lady walking)

Hi, boys.

Hey, Mrs. Louis.

How you doing, Mrs. Louis?

Good afternoon.

Yeah, it sure is.

That Mrs. Louis.

Nice lady.

Yeah, older woman.

Yeah, more mature.

Yeah, sure is.

Still, I sure wouldn’t mind buffing her.

(Laughter)

Yeah, me too.

I’d like to buff anybody.

Yeah and I’m sure I’ll be wanking it.

Yeah, sure would.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Steven, where are you headed?

What? Are you going to the park?

Yeah. Yeah.

Beautiful day for it.

All right, take it easy boys.

Okay, you have fun now.

That Steven.

Sweet kid.

Yeah, got his whole life ahead of him.

Yeah.

Not like me, my life is over.

Yeah, mine too. I’m stuck in this job.

Yeah, I’m on a treadmill to oblivion.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, not like Steven, he still has hope.

Yeah.

In a way I wish he were dead.

Yeah, me too.

(Laughter)

I’d feel better knowing he wasn’t going to have

a good life either.

Yeah, I’ll be less tortured.

Yeah.

But I never could kill him.

Nah, me neither. I wouldn’t have the guts.

Yeah, me neither.

Yeah, maybe if he just got hit by a bus.

Yeah and just spoil his life.

Yeah, spoiled would be good.

Yeah, oh well.

Too bad, huh? Hey, Ms. Summers.

How are you doing Ms. Summers?

Hi. How are you doing?

Nice day, huh? Beautiful day, huh?

Yup.

(Cheers and applause)

(Man speaking) And now, Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

(Soft music)

As we were driving,

we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks."

Marta said it should read, "Watch for Pretty Rocks."

I told her she should write in her suggestion

to the highway department,

but she started saying it was a joke,

just to get out of writing a simple letter!

And I thought I was lazy.

(Cheers and applause)

(Both singing) *Sweet comic Valentine.*

You make me smile.

Fortunately, I don’t remember anymore of the song.

Neither could I, but it’s funny anyway.

Yeah, ah, well, somewhere in this is my apartment.

Can I get you something to drink?

Oh, yes.

Oh, Ronald, what a great apartment.

What a fabulous apartment.

Maureen, my name is Richard.

Oh, I’m sorry.

It’s okay. We just met a couple of hours ago.

It’s all right.

Richard.

Yeah.

Your name is Richard?

Yeah.

Oh, my god. I can’t believe it.

I’ve got to tell you the funniest story, Richard,

perfect.

(Laughs)

Okay.

When I was a little girl there was this little boy who lives

two doors away from me.

Uh-huh.

And one Christmas he got this great bike.

It was red and he had streamers from the handle bars.

The world’s greatest bike?

Exactly, and I really wanted a bike like that,

so, I had this really big plan.

I was gonna get all dressed up in my favorite dress

and I curled my hair in this really cute wig

and I went next door and I open the door and said,

"Hello--- "

Richard.

Oh, no, I think his name was Kevin.

Oh, I’m sorry, I just assumed since the story---

Kevin, can I borrow your bike?

(Laughing)

Oh, gosh.

So, what happened?

What happened when?

When you asked him about the bike?

Oh, I think he said no, so--- (Laughs)

(Laughter)

Oh.

Good story, though.

I’m kind of hungry.

Oh, God, I’m sorry.

I should have asked you if you want something earlier.

Oh, no, no.

God, I didn’t eat anything today, and then I thought

I’d eat at the party, but then I started talking to you

and stuff and then, oh, my God.

I didn’t eat anything yesterday, either.

I’m starving to death. (Laughing silly)

(Laughter)

I’m really sorry.

I don’t have anything in there except an apple. Is that all right?

Oh, this is perfect.

Are you sure?

I mean we can order out if you want something.

No, it’s just fine.

Okay.

Mmm, mmm! Fine, that’s thank you.

Thank you.

But you just took a little tiny little nibble out of there.

No, I’m full. I’m really bloated.

(Laughter)

Oh, come on, really go.

No. No, it will make me vomit.

(Laughs silly)

(Laughter)

Okay.

So you’re really funny at the party tonight.

I was?

Yeah, you’re really funny and witty and charming.

You have this snappy come back lines.

It’s very quick.

I think that’s really attractive.

That’s weird, because I don’t really remember myself

being funny.

Oh, but you were.

Okay, be specific.

What was the funniest thing that I did?

Okay, I know.

You were serving punch at the punch filler, right?

Yeah, most of the night.

And people were walking up to you with their empty punch

glasses saying, "Can I have more punch?"

And then you were saying---

Here you go here’s more punch.

(Laughs loud)

Oh, that is very quick.

(Snaps fingers and laughs)

I think that’s really attractive.

So, where are you from?

What, originally?

Uh-huh.

I’m from Northern California, Sacramento.

Oh, see?

I knew that. (Laughs)

Sacramento.

Oh, you’re from Sacramento.

I can’t believe it, you’re from Sacramento.

Are you from Sacramento?

No.

(Laughter)

Oh, but I have to tell you the funniest story.

Sacramento perfect, you’re gonna love this.

I went to college at the University of Washington

in Seattle, right?

Uh-huh.

And my roommate was from Hawaii,

but her whole life she wanted to go to California.

All right, okay.

But her big dream was for the two of us to go to California

and every night in the dorm we’d sing,

* "California, here we come." *

(Laughs)

Oh, gosh.

So, what happened?

Happened?

Yeah, when the two of you went to California.

Oh, we just sort of lost touch after she graduated.

I don’t know if she ever went so---

(Laughs silly)

(Laughter)

Maureen, you know, you said you went to school in Seattle, right?

Uh-huh.

Okay, when I was a kid my parents they took me to Seattle.

(Laughing)

No---

There’s more of the story.

Oh, sorry.

So, my parents they took me and it was

the greatest time of my life, because the World’s Fair

was happening and I remember I just had an amazing time,

in fact Seattle---

Oh.

Seattle, it’s one the fondest memories of my life

of my childhood.

Now, you see, Maureen.

The reason why I told you that story is because it has

a beginning, a middle and an end.

(Laughter)

I think you’re really attractive.

Oh, thanks, I think you’re attractive too.

I was thinking all night, what would it be like to kiss you?

(Laughs)

(Laughter)

Oh, now you know.

And I was also thinking, what would it be like

to make love to you?

I was wondering what you’d like in bed?

Would you be aggressive or playful or tender or what?

I got to go.

(Laughter and applause)

What?

I had a fabulous time.

I mean this was like the quintessential perfect evening.

It was? I mean we---

Yeah, thanks for everything.

All right, can I have your phone number, at least?

Okay, bye.

(Laughter and applause)

Well, I guess that case is finished.

Or, maybe it’s just beginning.

No, it’s finished, remember?

We’ve finished it.

In a way maybe it finished us.

Well, I just know I, you know,

I wouldn’t want to go through that again.

I think it might drive us crazy.

Or keep us sane.

(Lady walks)

Well, anyway, we solved the case.

I guess that’s what really matters.

Well, did we solve the case or did the case solve us?

What do you mean? That doesn’t even make sense.

Sometimes the things that don’t make sense

make the most sense of all.

(Laughter)

Well, I wouldn’t-I wouldn’t know about that.

I do know, that this is the worst coffee I’ve ever had.

Maybe the best.

(Laughter)

You know, something, Frank.

Whenever anyone says anything, you’ve got to say the opposite,

just to make yourself look smart.

Or, maybe to look dumb.

(Laughter)

You’re doing it again.

Am I?

I’m going to have to kill you.

Maybe by killing me, you’d be giving me life.

Stop it.

Stop it, right now.

Maybe by stopping it now, I’ll be continuing later.

(Gun shot)

May...uhh.

(Laughter)

Killed your partner, huh?

Yeah, but maybe in a way my partner killed me.

(Laughter)

Oh-oh, now you’re doing it.

Maybe by doing it, I’m not doing it.

Only, you’re not as good at it.

(Laughter)

Hey, let’s get a bite to eat!

Or, let’s let a bite get us something to eat.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

My thanks to World Party, G.E.

and the SNL band and all the cast, you guys are great.

It was great being here.

God bless you, good night.

(Loud cheers and applause)