Original subtitles

* I promenade your sweet little maid. *

(Country music) (Applause)

* Take that girl and give her a whirl. *

All right, give yourselves a hand now.

(Cheers and applause)

(Dramatic music)

Johnny!

Johnny I thought they fired you.

Well they did Pete but I got to ask one last favor.

Can you call this?

Ooh, I don’t know, Johnny.

It’s what the people want, Pete.

All right you got it.

(Country music)

(Country music)

* Swing your partner in dosey dose. *

* Grab his ass then let them go. *

(Country music) (Applause)

* All promenade just like I said, *

* ladies lift your dress up over your head. *

(Country music) (Applause)

* Kiss that girl while the night is young. *

* Don’t be afraid to use your tongue. *

(Country music) (Applause)

* Ladies lift your leg up to the sky, *

* Then rub yourself on your partner’s thighs. *

(Country music) (Applause)

* Don’t be shy let the whole crowd watch *

* Stick your base in your partner’s crotch. *

(Country music) (Applause)

* Bend her over and bump and grind *

* Fondle and stroke and step behind. *

(Country music) (Applause)

* Careful gentlemen lady don’t bite. *

* Live from New York it’s Saturday Night! *

(Music and applause)

(Music and cheers)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

(Music and cheers)

With Dana Carvey

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Dennis Miller

Mike Myers

Kevin Nealon

With Chris Farley

Chris Rock

And featuring A. Whitney Brown

AL Franken

Rob Schneider

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Mariah Carey

(Music and applause)

And starring Patrick Swayze

(Music and applause)

(Cheers and applause)

Hi.

I’m Sam Walton, owner of the Wal-Mart shopping chain

and one of the richest men in America.

As you know there’s a lot of talk in Washington

about raising taxes on the so called super rich.

And as you can imagine that idea doesn’t sit too well with me.

So here’s my offer.

If you write your congressmen and tell him you oppose

this tax plan, I’ll pay you $100,000.

(Laughter)

That right $100,000 in cash just for writing a letter

to your congressmen.

All you do is make a photocopy, mail it

to my Arkansas headquarters

and you get your money in five business days.

Now, I know some of you are wondering,

how it could be in my interest to pay each

of the 130 million American voters

$100,000 a piece just to avoid a three percent tax hike?

Well, you just let me worry about that.

(Laughter)

Just write your letter, sit back and I’ll do the rest.

Good night.

That’s $100,000.

God bless.

(Man speaking) Limit of two letters per household,

Return postage required.

(Applause)

(Don Pardo speaking) When two of South America’s biggest singing stars

have a feud, you’re the winner.

Now you can enjoy the rivalry that Latin Americans

have known about for years.

Together on one album, Jorge Montenero---

* "One ton of fan mail That’s what I get, *

* I get one ton of fan mail. *

(Laughter)

* One ton of fan mail, I get one ton of fan mail." *

And his arch-rival, Raul Valendez.

* "Two tons of fan mail, That’s what I get, *

* I get two tons of fan mail. *

* Two tons of fan mail I get two tons of fan mail." *

All the songs in the greatest rivalry in the history

of South American singing-star rivalries.

* "Four tons of fan mail That’s right you heard me, *

I get four tons of fan mail I have it weighed each morning

On the truck scale."

You’ll get---

* "Number-one song for nine months *

* in Paraguay I had *

* the number-one song for nine months *

* You turn on the radio *

* And it was all you would ever hear." *

And---

* "He had an eye job, I tell you, he had an eye job *

* I know a doctor, who swears he had an eye job." *

Plus...

* "He stuffs his trousers I’m telling you quite plainly, *

* he stuffs his trousers *

* With a plastic penis It fell out in Lima." *

With---

* "That never happened, I tell you man, *

* the man is a liar, I filed a lawsuit *

For 100,000,000 pesos."

Plus...

"It fell out his pant-leg I know for sure,

it fell out his pant-leg We have the same drummer

He told me the story."

Send check or money order for $12.95 to Super Feud,

Camino De Las Estrellas, Miami, Florida

* "Last in commercial Please note my song *

* was last in commercial, heh heh heh! *

* That should tell you something They put me last in commercial." *

Order now.

(Music and applause)

(Applause)

Hi. I’m Sam Walton.

Earlier this evening I went on National Television

and made an offer to pat every American

who’s oppose a tax hike on the wealthy $100,000 cash.

Well apparently my math just isn’t what it used to be.

(Laughter)

It turns out there’s no way on God’s green earth

that make sense to pay up that kind of money.

So I’m gonna rescind that offer and make you a new one.

You write your congressman that letter,

send me a copy and I’ll out it in a barrel.

Then on the day the tax increase I defeated,

I’ll draw an envelope

from that barrel and the winner will receive

a hat like the one I’m wearing now.

(Laughter)

It’s a little bigger than this one and the band is different

but its basically the same.

Now I know some of you are wondering,

just how I can stand here, look you in the eye

and rescind an offer I made on national television.

Well you just let me worry about that.

(Broken window)

Thank you.

(Laughter)

Well, you let me worry about that, too.

(Cheers and applause)

Good night it’s fine ad and God bless you.

(Don Pardo speaking) Limited one entry per household. Include half sign.

(Cheers and applause)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking) And now, Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you. Good evening and what can I tell you?

Today both the House and the Senate

approved the package that will cut the federal deficit

by 500 billion dollars.

100 billion will come from a 5 percent

increase in gasoline taxes

and surcharge on tobacco, alcohol and other luxury items.

The balance 400 billion will come from the TV rights

to the Buster Douglas/ Mayor Marion Barry fight

in Las Vegas next year.

President Bush and Republican congressional leaders

were all smiles as the budget fight

seemed to be nearly resolved.

Bush’s joy however was tempered somewhat by the fact

that while killing time during the lengthy

and tedious negotiations.

he foolishly Krazy Glued his right eye shut.

(Laughter)

Representative Donald E Buzz Lukens

resigned from congress this week,

in the face of charges that he sexually propositioned

a young female elevator operator in the capital.

Lukens’ defendant himself claiming the operator

misunderstood him when he said "I like to get off here."

In response, the operator insisted

that Lukens made his request in between floors.

"Hi there.

"My name’s George.

I’m the president."

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Thanks.

You know the U.S Embassy in Kuwait has overcome

a water shortage by digging a well

in the embassy’s backyard and striking water.

When jubilant relatives of embassy staffers

in the United States were apprised of this they cheered,

and a kinfolk issued a carefully worded statement

in which they said

"They ought to move away from there.

Califonia’s the place they ought to be."

(Laughter)

The last word we have is that the Embassy staffers

loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly.

(Laughter)

Hills that is.

Swimming pools.

Movie stars.

The Professor and Mary Anne.

(Laughter)

(Laughter)

"Oh boy I hope they don’t ask me to touch my nose!"

(Laughter and applause)

As if New Yorkers weren’t aware that drugs

were overrunning their city,

,they were reminded of that fact this week

by some of the unusual classified ads

that are turning up in New York Newspaper

Real Estate sections

"Your Dream Crack House 6 labs with view.

Owner must sell going away for a long, long, long time."

And Evander Holyfield became the new heavyweight champion

of the world Thursday night in Las Vegas when he knocked out

defending champion James Buster Douglas

in the third round.

Our shotgun Mike picked up the voice of Buster

as he hit the canvas.

"I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!"

(Cheers and applause)

You knew that one was going to work. Huh?

And Buster unwound from the fight

by relaxing in the Mirage hotel pool

to recuperate from a cut he received

around the blow hole.

(Laughter)

Holyfield asked how he keeps in shape said that in addition

to a regular training schedule he really enjoys

working out with horses it is not believed

that the horses enjoy working with him.

(Laughter)

In a follow up to the Judas Priest trial

five jurors have committed suicide.

(Laughter)

And---

Brett Eastenellis, popular novelist of books

such as Less Than Zero,

recently asked Phil Collins permission

to quote from his songs and his upcoming work.

The new novel is based on Orson Welles’ "Citizen Kane",

except in this updated version instead of "Rosebud",

Kane’s last word is "Sussudio."

(Laughter)

And here now with the Big Picture

is A. Whitney Brown.

Welcome back, Whitney.

Thank you Dennis, pleasure to be here.

Thank you.

(Applause)

Well, my friends Election Day is just around the corner

and I know it’s not pleasant but, look at it this way,

everyone of those 435 congressional representatives

has his, or her neck on the block.

So, cheer up it could be a lot of fun.

That is if the polls are not shut down

along with the rest of the government.

Of course, the candidates are not very much this year.

In fact, voting in this election is like trying to decide

which street mine to stop and watch.

(Laughter)

Sometimes one candidate is such a pork-fed pea-brain

that is even an embarrassment on Capitol Hill

and in that case the choice is easy.

But, we can’t all live in North Carolina.

(Laughter)

And.

Just because the senator’s a fatheaded pretentious windbag,

that doesn’t mean he’s not a cut

above the people he represents.

(Soft laughter)

Every fact that anyone is willing to do,

what it takes to get elected these days,

should be an automatic disqualification.

Friends this time reality

has finally got our congressmen surrounded.

Nobody likes to pay taxes, except maybe the Swedes.

(Laughter)

But, we got to pay this dead-off.

You know, it’s physically sickening to think,

that for the next 30 years

all the taxes from the first 2 and a half months

of every American worker’s paycheck

will go straight to rich Japanese bankers,

to pay the interest on money we borrowed,

so, Ronald Reagan could make Walter Mondale look stupid.

(Laughter)

We’re 3 trillion in debt plus interest,

now, for all we know that’s more money

than there is in the world.

(Soft laughter)

On this budget we’re trying Nickel and Dime

our way out of it.

We call ourselves tightening our belts,

because we raise gas taxes a nickel a gallon.

Maybe the president uses 100 gallons of gas

to catch one scrawny bluefish but

for the average driver

that adds up to 40 bucks a year.

C’mon now, Americans, stop whining!

Course, they don’t dare touch Social Security, which is nice.

Even though, I doubt if my generation

will ever get to touch it, either.

(Soft laughter)

I think we’re all going to be buying our poligrip and dog food

with a shoe box and government IOU’s,

because, that what we’ll inherit when we turn 65.

Our children, on the other hand,

will inherit over 3 trillion dollars in debt

and a voter turnout is no better than it usually is.

There’s a good chance

they’ll also inherit our congress.

Or should I say inherit the wind.

Anyway, that’s the Big Picture.

Thank you, Whitney!

Thank you, buddy.

Thank you buddy.

(Applause)

And Humprey the lost whale who captured America’s heart

after getting lost in San Francisco’s bay

5 years ago, is back and this time

he’s stuck in the mud under the bay.

Scientist recognized Humprey by the markings on his tail

and the fact that once again Humprey’s fish head

was up his fish ass.

(Laughter)

I know he’s not exactly a fish but mammal head up mammal ass

didn’t sound half as good. (Laughs)

Batmancomics this week unveiled a new Robin,

Timothy Drake the newest and perhaps most intelligent boy

wonder, replacing the previous Robin,

who was killed by the Joker two years ago.

Looks like this Robin

spent a little too much time sliding down the bat pole, huh?

down the bat pole huh?

And it was announced this week, that Superman

of DC comic book fame,

will in an upcoming issue marry Lois Lane.

The dilemma being that Lois still has no idea

that Clark Kent is really Superman.

I guess she just thinks

he’s really, really, really good in bed huh?

(Laughter)

Old time latin band leader Xavier Cougat died yesterday

in Barcelona Spain.

Cougat was 90 his band was 115.

(Laughter)

Scientists have discovered a new device which offers help

to infertile women by opening blocked fallopian tubes

with a balloon.

The accidental discovery occurred during an earthquake,

at a Ringling Brothers show.

(Laughter)

As of yet there have been no deaths attributed

to the killer bees in Texas.

However two bees were caught this week planning a murder.

(Laughter)

And Vice president Quayle posed for yet

another awkward photo opportunity this week.

(Laughter and applause)

Does anybody remember

when politicians just shook hands?

(Laughter)

I don’t know.

Let me try another one.

I don’t know, but find my car keys and I’ll drive us out.

(Laughter)

You know---

(Laughter and applause)

I always heard he never entered the guard. Uh--

(Everybody) Boo!

(Laughing)

(Cheers and applause)

I’m sorry, but he makes it so damn easy.

You know, daylight savings time ends tonight

so we set our clocks back and gain and hour.

To compensate tomorrow night on CBS,

60 Minuteswill be shown twice

Guess what folks, that’s the news.

(Cheers and applause)

First of all I’d like to welcome every one.

The name of the class is Mouse Trap Seminar.

So please check.

And if you’re not supposed to be in Mouse Trap Seminar,

maybe, now would be a good time to leave.

(Soft laughter)

Okay, okay.

Okay, before we begin, any questions?

Yes?

If you see a mouse trap and there’s some cheese in it,

can you just go and take the cheese?

(Laughter)

No, you can’t.

But, we’ll get into that later in the course.

(Laughter)

Yes?

But, what if you’re just really hungry fro that cheese?

Hmm, it doesn’t matter.

Yes?

Uh, can you like get down and smell the cheese?

(Laughter)

You mean, when it’s still in the trap?

Yeah.

Hmm, again, no.

Please.

Well, what if its not cheese in the mouse trap?

What if it’s a hotdog?

No.

What about a piece of hotdog?

(Soft laughter)

Well, it doesn’t matter if it’s a piece

or a whole hotdog.

Once the trap is set, you can’t just take food out.

Um, what about a rat trap?

(Soft laughter)

Okay, okay.

(Soft laughter)

What do you mean by a rat trap?

Well, it’s like a mouse trap, but you know it’s bigger.

Okay, okay, but still shaped like a mouse trap

and having the same spring release mechanism

like a mouse trap?

Yeah, I guess.

Okay, so what’s your question?

Could you take the cheese out of the rat trap?

No, no.

(Soft laughter)

And you couldn’t take the cheese out of a mouse trap

that was smaller than a mouse trap.

(Laughter)

Yes.

Well, what if you just really wanted that cheese, though?

(Soft laughter)

And you couldn’t get cheese someplace else?

Like where?

(Soft laughter)

Oh, like at a store?

Yeah.

Uh, what if you touch the mouse trap with something first?

Okay, that - that’s a very good question.

Did everyone hear that?

(Everybody) No.

Well would you repeat it?

What?

The question.

I can’t remember the question.

(Laughter)

Uh, two doors down.

(Laughter)

Okay, I think what might be a good idea right now

would be to see the filmstrip that I have planned.

That might clear things up.

(Music)

(Man speaking) This is a mouse trap.

It has been cocked and baited with a piece of cheese.

Take a good look.

Learn to recognize it.

Hold it, hold it!

Hold it.

Sir, can I ask you what you’re doing?

Trying to get that cheese.

Okay.

No see, this -

this is not real cheese, first of all.

This is only movie cheese.

Okay?

Okay and secondly---

(Mouse trap snap) Ow! Ouch!

Okay, okay maybe we better stop for tonight.

Class dismissed.

Miss, if you come up here, I’ll - I’ll help you get that off.

But, don’t get the cheese.

See, that’s the cheese right there.

Okay, all right, easy, easy.

Ouch, don’t - that’s good cheese.

I know.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

* There’s a getaway spot *

* On a two - acre lot. *

* It’s the White Trash Bed And Breakfast. *

* On the go go resort, *

* You can die in your shorts. *

* At the White Trash Bed And Breakfast. *

* Let down your guard. *

* And run with the dogs in the yard. *

* All the life’s simple pleasures *

* Are waiting for you. *

* At the White Trash Bed And Breakfast. *

(Man speaking) This week’s episode, Another Failure.

Oh, God, shut up!

(Yelling) Shut up, you stupid dogs!

I’ll mean it!

I’ll come out there and shoot you I will!

Mom!

Shut up!

Will you hunker it down

our guest is trying to sleep in there.

Marky Bob.

Marky Bob.

You get out here your dogs need feeding.

I know.

Don’t feed them near the door.

I know.

Bring this bowl back when you’re done.

(Yelling) I know!

Mom! I’m trying to run a business.

Oh!

And you ain’t helping me at all.

Well, what you’re talking about.

(Baby crying)

Our guest Mr. Cooper, the critic from that travel magazine,

we just get a good mention from him

this Bed And Breakfast will make us rich.

Oh, Bed And Breakfast, Bed And Breakfast.

As if I don’t have enough to do around here.

Here, go in there and tuck in your baby sister.

Here’s your bowl.

Marky Bob, don’t slam the door.

We goes got a guest in there.

(Slamming door)

Morning. Oh good morning, Mr. Cooper.

I hope you slept well.

Here have a seat.

Right there.

I’m sorry I was late I must have passed this place

four or five times.

(Laughing)

But, I trust the late arrival wasn’t a problem.

Oh no.

I didn’t mind getting up in my room at all.

Yeah, well that’s a lovely room.

Yeah.

Is there a history behind it?

Well, I shared it with fours husbands.

Momma, give it a rest.

Oh, you’re just mad ’cause none of them

was your daddy.

(Laughter)

Will you just shut up and boil the breakfast.

All right.

Here’s your box.

God, you people go wake the dead.

I hate this place.

(Opening door)

Morning, Momma!

Whew that was dry.

Hi, Morney.

Lonie, is this your tourist?

Yeah, it’s Mr. Cooper from Travel and Leisure.

(Laughing)

(Laughter)

All right, perhaps after breakfast

you’d care to see our collection of antique cars

on display in the yard.

No, actually I thought I might leave after breakfast.

Oh, okay fine, good great, fine.

Hey, who the hell could blame you?

You know, I just want to thank you all.

I want to thank you all very much.

Ah!

So, uh, are you hoping for a boy or a girl?

It don’t matter, either way it’s Sal.

Yup.

My daughter is a surrogate mother .

All my children work.

(Laughter)

I make $15,000 having this baby.

That’s right.

That’s... a lot of money.

Well I just wish it was enough

to help get your daddy out of prison.

(Laughter)

Ain’t nowhere know how enough money

can get daddy out of jail.

I know that, but, honey

don’t you think he’s better off in there?

I know we’re all psyched for it.

(Laughter)

That’s for damn sure.

Hey Rey shut up and pack Mr. Cooper a box.

Well, so he can get going.

What do you want?

You want onion and ketchup on white or ketchup on white?

(Laughter)

Uh, one of each would be fine. Thank you.

That is a good choice.

Okay.

That is a good choice.

(Yelling)

Look here the twins ar up.

Hello, babies.

(Laughter) Hello.

Hey who are you? Hey who are you?

I’m - I’m George Cooper.

I bet I can pick you up.

Pick him up.

No, no.

Do it! Do it!

Stop, stop.

Put him down.

Mama, look at here.

Oh.

Somebody shot Twinkle.

Why do they have to shoot Twinkle?

He didn’t bite nothing but bread.

Marky Bob don’t put twinkle on the table.

Put him in the sink.

(Laughter)

Oh my Lord, daddy’s home.

Oh, God!

Yes.

Oh.

Oh.

Well I’ll be going now, I really -

Its customary for a man’s family

to show up in his parole hearing.

(Laughing)

Well, hello darling we missed you.

We did.

What the hell is this?

Well it was Loney’s idea baby.

I’m just trying to pull an extra money sir.

I decide what this family does for extra money.

And I decide that this house is now

the Hodge’ Day Spa and Retreat.

(Cheering)

I love you daddy sir.

Oh, you still think you can lick your old man huh?

Oh.

Come on, give me your best shot.

Oh, no. Come on!

Now, you’re just a sissy boy aren’t you!

Don’t start with me, daddy, please.

Come on sissy. Sissy!

You’re sissy!

I swear I’ll kill you daddy.

Yeah, sissy you kill me, go ahead.

I kill you daddy, I kill you.

Oh no! No!

No! No!

(Screaming)

* All the life’s simple pleasures *

* Are waiting for you. *

* At the White Trash Bed And Breakfast. *

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Hey, we like to thank our guest Mariah Carey

and we hope you had a great time.

We sure did.

Take care!

(Cheers and applause)

(Music and applause)