Original subtitles

Hey Kevin, what are you doing?

Oh, hey, Vic, I was just gonna wish George good luck

before the show.

Oh, great.

Yeah, come on.

Uh - Uh - oh!

What?

He’s asleep.

Oh.

He must have dozed off, after the ball game.

Oh, look at him.

He’s so peaceful.

Yeah, he sure is cute isn’t he?

Yeah.

Like an angel.

Oh, how could Dave Winfield not like this guy?

(Laughter)

I don’t know.

Gee, I wonder what he’s dreaming about.

Yeah.

(Music)

(Man speaking) All right, we’re back at game four of the World Series

and the Yankees are on the verge

of a sweep as that dynasty just keeps on rolling.

The bronze bomber lead 4 - 1 in the eight thanks mostly

to a gem of a pitching performance

from George Steinbrenner.

Steinbrenner had another remarkable season this year.

He’s a sure bet to win the Cy Young Award

and maybe the MVP.

Although that will probably go to his teammate

all star catcher George Steinbrenner.

(Laughter)

Steinbrenner now into his motion and delivers.

Swing and a sharp ground ball.

Nice stop by Steinbrenner.

Over to Steinbrenner for one, onto Steinbrenner, double play.

What a play by Steinbrenner.

(Cheers and applause)

Alright, here comes Eric Davis.

They’re not out of the woods yet.

(Laughter)

Wait a minute Manager George Steinbrenner

heading for the mound.

It look like he’s going to make a pitching change.

Yup, there’s the signal.

He wants Steinbrenner.

(Laughter)

Very crafty move by skipper Steinbrenner bringing

bringing in the southpaw Steinbrenner.

The big stopper with a record 147 saves this year.

Okay, okay one more out.

There’s the pitch.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

George, George are you okay?

Oh yeah, yeah.

Yeah, whoa, well I’m fine.

We couldn’t tell.

Listen George it’s time to start the show.

Oh all right, okay.

Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!

(Music and applause)

(Music and applause)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

(Music)

With Dana Carvey

Phil Hartman

Jan Hooks

Victoria Jackson

Dennis Miller

Mike Myers

Kevin Nealon

With Chris Farley

Chris Rock

And featuring Al Franken

G.E. Smith

and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, The Time

(Music)

And starring George Steinbrenner

(Music)

Ladies and gentlemen, George Steinbrenner!

(Music and applause)

Thank you! Thank you very, very much!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

(Cheers and applause)

I’m really excited tonight.

I want you all to know that, at 11:15 tonight,

I bought the Cincinnati Reds.

(Cheers and applause)

Anyway, it’s great to be here.

You know, this show traditionally

has two kinds of hosts---

entertainers, you know, actors, and comedians---

And then beloved figures from other walks of life.

(Laughter)

Now, I’m not an actor.

I’ve never been in a movie or a TV series.

I’m not a comedian!

Don’t do impressions.

I’m not good at snappy comebacks.

I don’t do schtick and I’m not a singer.

I’m not gonna put on a dress and sing old Judy Garland songs.

(Laughter)

I’m not a contortionist,

and I’m not gonna put on a straightjacket,

and be submerged in a tank of water.

I’m not gonna catch a bullet in my teeth, I hope.

(Laughter)

Or---

(Cheers and applause)

or eat 100 eggs.

(Cheers and applause)

By no reasonable definition of the word can I be considered

an "entertainer".

I’m not gonna wear a beard made of bees, or drink kerosene

and light my burps.

No way!

(Laughter)

I’m just not an entertainer.

So the way I see it, if I’m not an entertainer,

I must fall into that other category:

beloved Americans from another walk of life.

(Soft laughter)

Anyway, we got a terrific show for you tonight!

A great musical group The Timeis here.

(Cheers and applause)

Everyone working here is underpaid, all you guys!

Sure.

So, Lou won the big game, 2-1.

(Cheers and applause) Lou!

So let’s stick around!

You’re gonna have a great time!

And we’ll be right back!

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Music) (Rithmic loud noise)

Good evening and welcome to Slapped by Beaver Tails.

My first guest is Monica Clayborne

of Navaho Dam, New Mexico.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you.

(Cheers and applause)

Welcome Monica!

Thank you.

Now I understand you were slap across the face

by a beaver tail, is that right?

That is correct.

And that your husband actually recorded the event.

Yes he did.

Here I am when I first saw the beaver.

Honey look it’s a beaver!

(Man whispering) Try and pet it.

It will make a nice shot.

I’m scared!

Go ahead.

Hi.

(Slaps her face)

Ow! Oh! Ouch!

Try again.

What?

Go ahead, try again.

Well, okay.

Ow! Oh! Ouch!

Oh!

Okay, well, I tell you that looked like it hurt.

It did very much.

(Laughter)

My next guest is Rod Camacho of Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

Now Rod---

(Applause)

Now Rod, I understand, you were swimming, when you were slapped

by a beaver tail.

Yeah, yeah, I was swimming in a pond,

that I found out later

there was just swarming with beavers.

Can you show us where you were slapped?

No, I’d rather not, not on television.

But, uh, they took some photos at the emergency room

that I brought along.

(Laughter)

That - that’s the front right there.

Boy, he really got you didn’t he?

No doubt about that.

And here’s the back.

(Laughter)

Oh, yeah it’s uh, sort of a starburst effect, isn’t it?

Yeah, that’s what the doctor said.

My next guest is AJ Texclamor of Houston, Texas.

(Cheers and applause)

Uh, I think I misunderstood the nature of your show. Uh---

From the title ---

I really don’t have anything to say.

Well, okay, thanks for coming.

And be sure to join us next time, on "Slapped by a Beaver Tail"

(Music and cheers)

(Music) (Rithmic loud noise)

(Music)

Care, compassion, dedication.

These are the things we can promise you

at Winston-McCauley Funeral Home.

And there’s one other thing we can promise:

That we will not have sex with any dead body.

How can we guarantee this level of service?

First, we rigorously test our applicants,

for aptitude and intelligence.

And also to make sure, they don’t have the urge

to have sex with dead bodies.

(Music)

And, if any of our employees,

fails to live up to our standards,

Or is cut having sex with a dead body,

he can be suspended, without pay,

for up to six months.

And, if that’s not enough, you have my personal assurance,

that if you can prove that your loved one

was the victim of post-mortem sex,

I will discount your bill with us, for a full $1,000.

That’s the Winston-McCauley Guarantee.

(Music)

(Man speaking) Care.

Compassion.

Dedication.

And absolutely No Sex.

Winston-McCauley Funeral Home.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music and applause)

(Don Pardo speaking) And now Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music and applause)

Good evening, and what can I tell you.

Earlier this week, house democrats

and the White House differed on a proposed shutdown time

for the American government.

In lieu of an acceptable budget agreement,

democrats wanted the government to shutdown

at 6PM Wednesday,

whereas the White House, wanted the government

to shutdown, at 6AM Wednesday.

Eventually they hammered out a compromise shutdown time

of 12:45 PM Wednesday, right after lunch.

To celebrate the agreement,

the President attempted to pose

for a picture, with democratic leaders but they could not agree

on an F stop setting for the camera.

(Laughter)

President Bush under fire, for not making any hard decisions

on the budget crisis, proved to detractors this week

that his thumb, is not where they say it is.

(Laughter)

And, it may look like White House budget Director Richard Darman

is praying for inspiration, amidst the current budget crisis

but, he’s actually showing,

how much leeway the United States has

before the entire American economic system collapses.

(Laughter)

Political observers in Washington were once again

stunned and angered this week, when Bush

ignored pressing budget issues,

and continued to shoot craps, in the White House casino.

(Laughter and applause)

Mikhail Gorbachev this week, was awarded

the Nobel Peace Prize

which includes and award, of more than $700,000.

Gorbachev says, he will use the money

to double his country’s, Gross National Product.

(Laughter)

Although most agree, the Soviet leader deserve the award

some suspect, a little backstage campaigning,

that’s won the vote.

(Laughter)

Turning to sports, there’s a big fight coming up next week,

and here with some comments, andvinsight is Weekend Update

Correspondent Chris Rock.

Welcome Chris.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you Dennis.

Next Thursday, Evander Holyfield, fights Buster Douglas

for the Heavyweight Championship of the World.

Now, I went out to place a bet on the fight, an I found out

that Evander Holyfield, is the favorite.

I have nothing against Evander

but, didn’t Buster Douglas knocked Mike Tyson out?

I mean, doesn’t that mean anything?

I mean, what does a guy have to do to be favorite,

I mean kill Godzilla?

Now, I’m at home the other night watching some old boxing movies,

and, by far the strangest one was Rocky IV.

I’m sitting there thinking to myself,

"Two white guys,

fighting for the heavyweight championship of the world?"

Boy, that Spielberg is something else.

(Laughter)

I mean let’s face it, white guys cannot box,

black guys fight better, Puerto Ricans fight even better.

I mean, I guess the lower you go on the social ladder,

the better you fight okay?

You think about for every good Puerto Rican fighter?

There’s an American Indian, that’s waiting to kick his ass.

(Laughter)

And the poor American Indians,

I feel so sorry for the Indians man,

’cause we took , we’ll we didn’t take,

you people took their land.

(Cheers and applause)

And now, they have nothing.

Everybody exploits the Indians,

you got Mazola commercials, and,

F - Troop, and The Washington Redskins.

Redskins, that’s not nice, that’s a racial slur!

That’s kind of like having The New York Niggers, okay?

(Cheers and applause)

Remember the commercial,

the Indian had the tear in his eyes, pollution?

He wasn’t crying for pollution, you took his land,

and raped his wife, okay?

I don’t think he was crying

because there was a can on the ground.

I mean, oh, Dennis, what was I talking about?

I think you were talking about boxing.

Yeah, I got Buster Douglas in the eight.

I hear that, thank you. Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen.

Chris Rock.

(Cheers and applause)

Oh, yeah!

Thank you, Chris.

Effective this week, AT&T will no longer be saying,

"Thank you for using AT&T", starting tomorrow,

all AT&T operators, will now say:

"Thank you, for not using Sprint or MCI".

(Laughter)

This is, Lance Corporal Corey Keiling

of Redding, California, spooning chili,

into insulated containers,

to be served to our troops, in the Saudi Desert.

Nothing a soldier likes more in the middle of the desert,

than a big steaming bowl of chili, huh?

Yeah, listen guys, I’m going in to hell,

can I get a jalapeno, to suck on?

(Laughter and applause)

The embargo on Iraq, appears to be having an effect.

Yesterday, Baghdad announced

that it would start gas rationing.

Those driving camels with two humps, will get gas on even days,

those with one hump, on odd days.

(Laughter)

And, in entertainment news, Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold

have announced, that they are suing the National Enquirer

for, 35 million dollars.

We have them on live, remote, from California.

Rosie, Tom, welcome!

Hi Dennis.

Hi Dennis.

Hey, how are you guys?

Our -

No you don’t have to answer that honey.

That’s okay honey, we’re just fine Dennis.

Okay, now, 35 million dollar lawsuit why?

Oh, like, well cause like 35 is like, my lucky number

and everything you know?

And, like that’s the day I met Tom you know March 5th.

That’s my lucky 2, number two.

I love you honey.

I love you too honey!

Guys, uh---

(Laughter)

why are you suing guys?

Oh well like, Dennis you know, I---

we don’t have any skeletons in our closet.

What skeletons do we have, that we don’t already have?

We don’t have anything left.

Just like, we ain’t go nothing.

It’s like, maybe I fired like, two - or like 500 people

or something.

And like, maybe Tom, went to a drug clinic.

I’ve gotten a taxi, and went top treatment.

Yeah.

But like, they said - they said our tattoo is on our butt,

and that is a lie.

Our tattoo is right here.

This is not our butt Dennis.

That’s like That is not our butt.

That is not our butt.

We’re really mad!

The media is scum, they’re not even people,

they shouldn’t be treated!

Yes, we’re gonna win!

We’re like really mad and everything, you know?

We’re ready to fight! Yeah.

I’m ready to fight!

(Laughing)

Because like, we’re really mad!

No, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Turn it off! Turn it off.

(Cheers and applause)

Yeah.

(Applause)

Did I just see, what I think I saw?

(Laughter)

Only I was above the Grand Canyon, in a helicopter.

(Laughter)

What the hell was that?

(Laughter)

The---

(Laughter)

the surprising Cincinnati Reds, 4 - 0 sweep of the Athletics

in this year’s fall classic, is anything---

Yeah.

(Cheers and applause)

Well---

it came as anything but a surprise to Pete Rose.

Anonymous prison sources, said: "Pete knew all the time,

you should see all the cigarettes he’s won."

(Laughter)

Now this is Luther Campbell, of 2 Live Crew

who was found, not guilty, of obscenity charges

today, in Fort Lauderdale.

Yeah, I know---

(Applause)

Yeah---

I know he’s a first amendment martyr, now and we all have to be

on right side of this, but you know---

it really is a bad album.

(Laughter)

I mean, you know---

couldn’t we have gone to the wall over,

Layla or Purple Haze, you know?

New York Mayor David Dinkins, has approved a new plan,

to pay a $5,000 reward,

to anyone willing, to snitch on someone

who may have cheated on their taxes.

Immediately, following the proposal,

Dinkins finally admitted,

the allegations of not filing his own tax,

return, for four consecutive years

and paid himself $20,000.

(Laughter)

And, as the last resort to save Atlantic City’s Taj Mahal,

Donald Trump, has finally decided

to sell all that he has left.

The former millionaire’s ego, will be auctioned off

at Cristie’s, later this week.

(Laughter)

You know what, the saddest part

of the New Kids on the Block phenomenon is folks?

It’s the one new kid, who has taken it upon himself,

to become the, brooding New Kid on the Block.

He’s always hunched over,

with that, scraggly nanny goat facial hair.

He’s got the hat on sideways, that flip chappo insolence

of youth.

Entirely blank stare, that rebel without a clue look.

You know, you got four kids who look like Denny Terio embryos

and the fifth kid, is Sylvia Platt,

with writer’s block.

(Laughter)

He’s always pulling up on that Harley, just to let you know,

he’s a motorcycle guy, in a mope head band.

(Laughter)

Oh sure, he might sing---

(Mumbling)

But, he doesn’t mean it.

(Laughing)

(Cheers and applause)

Well---

(Cheers and applause)

And, in a ceremony at City Hall this week, the stench of urine

was named, New York’s official smell.

Congratulations, stench of urine!

Guses what folks? That’s the news!

(Music and cheers)

(Music and applause)

Well, how does this thing work?

I don’t know, man, I’ve never done this before---

Ah, I’m never gonna make it to the concert now---

(Weird noise)

Maybe I can help!

Always hook, positive to positive.

When the dead car starts, remove the cables immediately!

You know, you ought to put some, baking soda,

on those battery terminals!

That way, they won’t corrode!

Wow, I never would’ve thought of that!

I mean, how do you know this stuff?

I know, because I’m.. Middle-Aged Man!

(Music)

* "Middle-Aged Man. *

* Middle-Aged Man. *

* He has powers and knowledge *

* that are far beyond younger men. *

* Middle-Aged Man. *

* Caught between forty and fifty-five *

* Accruing more interest, yet losing his sex drive. *

* Developing skills in the dark. *

* Middle-Aged Man." *

(Music)

(Don Pardo speaking) Tonight’s episode: "The Affair".

I think Larry is having an affair.

Oh, no do you really think so?

I just wish, there was someway I could find out for sure---

(Weird noise)

(Laughter)

Maybe I can help!

What? Who are you?

I’m Middle-Aged Man!

I’ve heard of you!

(Weird noise)

Who’s this?

Uh, this is my sidekick, Drinking Buddy.

(Laughter)

What’s the difference, between you, and Drinking Buddy?

I have a life!

(Laughter)

You - you got any beer?

Uh, yeah.

I think, there’s one left in the fridge, there.

Oh, I couldn’t take your last beer.

Oh, that’s okay.

Thanks!

(Laughter)

What seems to be the problem?

Oh, hold on, hold on, I think I just had a Maalox Moment!

(Laughter)

I think my husband is having an affair?

Hmm... did he recently, buy a red sports car?

Why, yes, he did!

Yes---

Did he go out and get a haircut, that’s far too young

for his face?

Why, yes, that’s amazing!

And, finally, does he seem unusually happy lately?

No... not really---

Then he’s not having an affair!

(Laughing)

Ah, just a, little Middle-Aged humor!

Right, Drinking Buddy?

Absotutely!

(Laughing)

Hey!

What are you looking at!

You’re looking at my gut, aren’t you!

No!

Well, I’m working on it!

Say, Ed, it’s beer-thirty, don’t you think we should be,

uh you know, uh, going?

Ah, tie a knot in it, and don’t start getting the shakes on me!

Oh, Middle-Aged Man, my husband seems so---

so bored and disinterested---

How long have you been married?

Seven years.

How long have you had that hairstyle?

Seven years.

What are you, Betty Rubble?!

Change it!

(Laughing)

Well, now, I think you’ve forgotten what it feels like,

to be sexually desirable.

Maybe.

But, I know where all my appliance warranties are.

Wow!

I’d give anything, to know that!

Hey! you’re still looking at our guts, aren’t you?

Nooo!

Hey!

I bought an Abdominizer!

I think Love Handles are sexy!

Oh, yeah, Love Handles! There’s a euphanism.

It’s like calling saggy breasts Love Bags!

(Laughter)

No one’s buying it!

Hey, Ed, come on, my back teeth, are starting to pull here..

Alright, hold your horses!

You know you don’t buy beer, you rent it!

I hope we were some help to you.

Yes, you were.

Thanks, Middle-Aged Man!

My pleasure.

Just, quit looking at my gut!

I’m working on it!

(Weird noise)

(Weird noise)

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

* "He’s Middle-Aged Man." *

(Music)

(Applause)

(Music)

(Phil Hartman speaking) And now Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

(Music)

(Man speaking) To me boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music,

no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

(Music)

(Soft laughter)

That was me, Idi Amin, the guy that loves to eat.

(Laughter)

Before I lost 80 pounds, with the Ultra Slim Fast Diet.

(Laughter)

And, I feel great!

(Laughter)

When I look like this, after the liberation of Kuwait,

(Laughter)

some of my guys challenged me, to lose 10 pounds.

Of course, I had them executed.

But, I lost 20 pounds, in two months,

with Ultra Slim Fast Plan.

That was me, Yankee owner George Steinbrenner,

before I lost 15 pounds,

just by having, a delicious shake for breakfast, and lunch.

Hello, I am Pol Pot.

When my Khmer Rouge, were forced out of Cambodia,

Whoa, whoa, hey, hey.

Hold on a minute, hold on a minute here.

What is, there something wrong George?

Yeah. Lorne!

Lorne I think---

Well what is this?

I think something, is very wrong here.

Come over here and talk.

What’s the problem?

Well Lorne, what’s the joke here?

What’s the point, of this whole sketch?

Well it’s a parody, of the Ultra Slim Fastcommercials.

I know that, but, why am I up here with these guys?

They’re ruthless dictators.

I’m a baseball owner.

Uh - huh. I - I understand.

I should not be up there.

I should be with, owners of baseball teams,

like Bud Selig and Jerry Reinsdorf.

But, most people don’t know, Jerry Reinsdorf

They know Paul Pot.

Sue they know Pol Pot, he killed a million people.

I mean, is that a joke, linking me with these guys?

No, no absolutely not.

I mean, I’m getting the feeling that this whole idea is,

just to humiliate me.

Why would we do that, we’re all Yankeefans!

Well, I don’t get it, I don’t get it.

Look, why don’t I have the writer,

come out and explain, what he was thinking.

Well, okay.

Al, Al Franken, come here.

I mean, Idi Amin, he ate people.

Actually, I think that was - I think, that was Pocassa.

Yes Lorne?

Al, George doesn’t get the point

behind the Ultra Slim Fastsketch.

Yeah, what’s the joke?

Oh, okay, um, it’s about the current mania for losing weight

and, how it’s getting ridiculous.

Well, I agree with that, it is ridiculous.

Absolutely ridiculous.

Especially with all the problems in the world, which is why

we have Pol Pot, and Saddam Hussein.

Yeah, but, what am I supposed to be?

Uh, you are, every man.

Every man?

Uh, Mr. Average Joe America.

Every American.

Right. You are the guy, our audience identifies with.

Identifies with. Oh yeah.

The joke is, that you are the antithesis,

of Pol Pot and Saddam Hussein.

The very opposite. Oh, okay fine.

Now, I understand it now, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, okay. Yeah!

Okay?

Well, uh, great! Why don’t’ we finish the sketch.

Alright, that’s good.

Okay.

Thanks Al.

Oh surely.

A funny bit Al, a funny bit.

Oh thanks.

Now, where, where were we?

Well, Pol Pot here, was just wrapping up his spiel.

Alright, why don’t we pick it up from there. George,

Alright.

do you mind, putting on this hat?

Okay. This hat?

Alright.

(Laughter)

So take it from me, Pol Pot!

And me, Saddam Hussein.

And me, Idi Amin.

And me, George Steinbrenner, because of we can do it,

so can you!

(Together) It works!

(Applause)

(Don Pardo speaking) Ultra Slim Fast it works.

Take it from these guys.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Phil Hartman speaking) And now Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

(Music)

(Man speaking) If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you,

and falls off, and then gets right back on you,

I think you should buck him off, right away.

(Music and applause)

Did I tell you,was that mud pie rich, or what?

Oh, I am stuffed.

Back on the old Ultra Slim Fastfor me tomorrow.

(Laughter)

I got it, I got.

No, no, no, what are you talking about I recommended the place,

so I get the check.

Come one, Bob, you got the last one.

We didn’t have the girls along then, that didn’t count.

Come on, that’s ridiculous.

That was an expensive lunch, and I had two drinks.

That was a business lunch, this is pleasure, and I got it.

All right, thank you.

Thank you.

80 bucks a head that’s not bad.

Waiter!

Put it on here for me, will you my friend?

Quick Draw McGraw here, is gonna let me pick it up tonight.

Wait a minute Bob, I said I want to pay for it.

Oh, yeah right, that was a real struggle.

This guy’s a regular bulldog,

when it comes to getting the check.

(Laughing)

Now, look, really Bob---

Let us pay for it, you’ve been so nice to us all day,

it’s the least we can do.

Look, when I say I got it, I got it.

So I got it.

Get it?

I’m sorry.

Bob, please, I’ll get it.

Waiter, do me a favor will you, put it on this.

Oh, that’s no good here.

You’re money is no good.

I’m paying, that’s the end of the story.

Okay.

Okay, you win.

Thank you for a lovely dinner.

You are very, very welcome.

Okay, so, I am putting it on, Mr. Bauer’s card.

Yeah. Yeah.

My pleasure.

Well next time, we’re taking you out to our favorite restaurant,

and I am picking up the tab, end of story.

Whatever, we’ll see. We’ll see.

Well, boy, you sure were right about this place Bob.

Wasn’t I?

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

You’re right about, those tornados of beef too,

they were perfect.

Pink in the middle, and the garlic they had there, wooo!

Yeah, it’s a good thing I had it too, huh?

Me too.

I always let him order for me, ’cause it’s quicker.

Well, the tornados are what they do best.

You pay for it, but what the hell,

you want the best for your friends,

and, it’s worth a few extra bucks.

Thank you very much, sir.

Thank you.

You were very good.

Wasn’t he good honey?

Oh, yes, he was very good.

And I think I should give him what, 20% tip?

Oh, yes.

Thank you, sir.

You know, good thing for you, it’s me picking up the check

not the guy with the bagpipes over there.

Hey, come on.

You’ll be lucky, to get a cab home.

That’s not fair, my husband is a very good tipper.

When he picks up the check.

Alright, that’s it I’m not gonna let you pay for it.

No, you don’t.

Come on! I, I---

Let go to that!

Stop it, stop it!

(Cries)

Okay, okay, okay, thank you.

Thank you for a lovely dinner.

It was lovely.

(Cries)

What’s 20% of 320?

(Soft laughter)

Forget it, I didn’t marry her for the math.

(Cries)

Here you go, my man,

you don’t want to scratch up Uncle Scrooge’s card over there.

Probably, never have been used.

Oh, come on Bob.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music and applause)

(Phil Hartman speaking) And now Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

(Music)

(Man speaking) If you ever teach a yodeling class,

probably the hardest thing,

Is to keep the students, from just trying to yodel right off.

You see, we build to that.

(Music)

(Laughter and applause)

(Cheers and applause)

Yes?

(Woman speaking) Mr. Steinbrenner, the woman sportswriter,

from the New York Post,

is here to maker an official complain.

Yes, very good, I’ve been expecting her.

Send her in.

(Opening door)

Mr. Steinbrenner.

I’d like to thank you for seeing me, on such short notice sir.

No problem at all, honey.

(Laughter)

My name isn’t Honey, it’s Meagan.

Suit yourself, Meagan, honey.

So, what’s on your, agenda here, sweetlips?

(Laughter)

Okay, I don’t want a drink Mr. Steinbrenner

I’m here, to register a formal complaint.

Oh, ’cause you see, I usually don’t get too many complaints.

If you know what I mean.

(Laughter)

Alright, last week, in the locker room an in fielder,

showed me, one of his parts.

Now, what part would that be, baby?

(Laughter)

Look, the name, is Meagan.

Ice?

I don’t want a drink!

I wasn’t offering a drink, I was making a comment.

All right.

(Laughter)

Okay, fine, I can see that I’m just not getting anywhere.

You’re not getting anywhere?

I might as well, put my pants back on.

(Laughter)

Would you like to help?

(Soft laughter)

Mr. Steinbrenner, in all my years, as a reporter---

No, no, no, in all my years as a woman,

I have never been subjected

to such a brutal display, of utter crudity!

Oh, brother.

(Soft laughter)

(Intercom buzzing)

Yes?

Mr. Steinbrenner, the woman sportswriter from the Daily News

is here to see you?

Oh, good.

Uh, give me just a minute here.

(Laughter)

(Cheers and applause)

Alright, send her in.

(Applause)

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Ladies and gentlemen, you know, we don’t laugh enough today,

and, this has been a lot of fun tonight.

I hope you’ve enjoyed it.

The Time, what a great group

of young men they are.

All these talented young people.

Thank you for being with us.

We appreciate it.

We’ll hope you comeback often, and watch Saturday Night Live

often.

Hi Julia.

Thank you, and good night eyerybody!

(Cheers and applause)

(Music and applause)

(Music)