Original subtitles

Hello, I’m Victor Kiam!

Owner of the New England Patriots and Remington Shaver!

(Cheers and applause)

I’m the guy who bought the company!

And I’m proud to announce a new member of the Lady Remington

razor family - introducing the new Classic Bitch Shaver!

(Laughter and applause)

When I called that woman reporter a "classic bitch",

I meant it in a good way!

(Laughter)

I meant a real go-getter!

Unafraid to tackle the male-dominated workforce!

The Classic Bitchdoesn’t just shave---

it actually yanks the hair by the root,

intimidating it from growing back!

(Laughter and applause)

you with gimmicks -

it simply goes about its business in a humorless way!

You may not like the Classic Bitch, but you’ll respect it!

(Laughter)

You’ll want it on your side, believe me!

But, for those who don’t think

the Classic Bitchgoes far enough,

try Remington’s new Lezbo Electric Shaver !

(Loud laughter and applause)

When I say Lezbo, I mean it in a good way!

Like a real go-getter - not only afraid to tackle a man’s job,

but also not afraid to look a little like a man!

You know the type.

The Lezbo tackles those really tough facial and chest hairs,

and also comes with a pop-up underarm trimmer!

You’re not just smooth - you’re Lezbo smooth!

(Laughter)

I mean it in a good way!

I’m Victor Kiam, and, by the way,

"Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!"

(SNL music theme) (Cheers and applause)

It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Dennis Miller.

Mike Myers.

Kevin Nealon.

With Chris Farley.

Chris Rock.

And featuring G.E. Smith

and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Hothouse Flowers.

Starring Susan Lucci.

(Music)

Ladies and gentlemen, Susan Lucci!

(Cheers and applause)

That is so nice, thank you so much!

Thank you!

Ah, "Saturday Night Live" -

here I am hosting " Saturday Night Live",

I cannot think of a bigger thrill in my life---

except, maybe, that Emmy?

(Loud laughter and applause)

It doesn’t matter.

(Laughs)

Most of you may know me from the character I play on

" All My Children" - Erica Kane.

(Loud cheers and applause)

I have to tell you, though,

I’m really nothing like that character,

like that schemeing, self-centered Erica Kane.

For one thing,

Erica’s been married eight times;

I’ve only been married once, to the same sweet,

wonderful man for sixteen years now---

I have had countless affairs---

(Laughter)

but I always come back to the same sweet,

wonderful man!

He’s the father of---

one of my two children.

(Laughter)

I just said all that for a laugh.

That’s why I wanted to do this show.

I wanted to work in front of a live audience,

and hear you laugh.

We once tried a live audience at " All My Children",

but they just didn’t laugh.

(Laughter)

Oh, you’d hear an occasional cough.

Mainly people would just yell out things, like---

"Don’t marry her!

You’re just a pawn in her game!"

(Laughter and applause)

"Uh-oh!

He’s coming to walk in on you now, put your clothes back on!"

(Laughter)

So we got rid of the audience.

But, anyway, here I am doing this show!

Everybody has been so terrific to work with, this week,

it’s been a great week.

Except for one minor incident--- (Harp music)

it really was not worth flashing back to---

Okay, Susan, this wig looks great.

We’ll just brush your hair out for the monologue now, okay?

There that looks good.

You had a really good dress rehearsal.

There, what do you think, Sylvia?

It’s nice.

Nice.

Susan?

Susan, are you almost ready?

Yeah, just about.

Thanks, Gloria, you have been so helpful!

Really.

Oh, no problem.

I was just doing my job.

(Laughter)

Wow.. is.. is that your Emmy?

That’s one of her Emmys!

She’s got three!

(Laughter)

Well, you know, I’ve been in the business about five years, so---

I just got them---

Susan, they want you to go over to wardrobe,

and get in a costume thing.

Come on.

There you are!

Susan.

I want to try this tiara for the next sketch.

You know, it’s nice but I have a couple of more

that I want to try.

(Laughter)

No, honey, these are Emmys.

Back here.

Steven, are these the two Emmysyou won

for that Very Special "Benson"?

Oh, I don’t know, Victoria... check the inscriptions.

Susan?

Susan?

Hi, Susan.

I think they need you over in Make-up over there.

(Laughter)

Oh? You like this?

I gave my other two to my parents!

Come on!

Hey!

Hey, Susan!

Hey, you were great in Dress - you excited?

You excited? Good!

Look at this, my make-up table is broken, can you believe that?

Hey, can somebody help me here, please?

Make-up table’s broken.

Hi, Howard.

(Laughter)

Ohh.. Howard.

you’re a life saver.

It’s only an Emmy, Miss Hooks.

This way, Susan.

Susan? Come on.

I didn’t know Howard had an Emmy!

He’s Union - he shows up, he does his job, right?

(Laughter and applause)

Susan? Are you alright?

Are you okay?

Maybe we should get you a soda, Susan.

Come on, follow me.

I guess she’s a little down

because she’s never won an Emmy---

Oh, Susan.. you’re gonna win one.

Besides, it’s just a statue.

you know - a symbol of excellence.

(Laughter)

Okay, here we are!

Susan?

(Laughter)

Hey!

Susan, did you eat dinner?

There’s plenty of corn over here.

(Laughter)

Hey, everybody! Hey, everybody!

EmmyFight!

(Everybody yelling)

Come on, Susan, Emmy fight!

Emmy fight, Susan, come on!

(Harp music)

Fortunately, they caught me at the elevator.

I was hysterical, but they whacked me over the head

with an Emmy, and now I’m fine.

(Laughter and applause)

Anyway---

(Loud cheers and applause)

we’ve got a great show,

with Hothouse Flowers, so stick around,

we’ll be right back!

(Loud cheers and applause)

(Music) (Cheers and applause)

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning everybody.

Yeah. Good morning everybody.

Oh, it sure It’s a beautiful day here in New York.

Kathy, you look very lovely.

Well thank you Reg. Very outdoorsy.

This is - this is my California look.

Like for sure, you know like tag me with a spoon.

There she goes.

She’s out of control.

Well you snap me out, you do.

Okay, yeah. Okay, okay.

Anyway, maybe you saw the headlines this morning about

the man who was - who was hit by the subway.

Here they are, very sad.

Sad.

Here’s the post; Man hit by subway.

Here’s how the Daily News said it, Man is hit by Subway.

And here’s Newsday, Subway hits Man.

Anyway, it’s a So sad. big tragedy.

So sad. It’s very sad, very sad.

(Laughter)

Now are you ready for this?

Are you ready for this?

I’ve got to tell you what happened last night.

Oh yeah, you were at the benefit weren’t you?

Joy and I went to the Waldorf at the Gala Ball.

Ooh.

The wife’s had me put the tux on with the shoes

and the combo bun.

I don’t mind saying, I look great!

Oh!

Well Good for you, Reg.

Good for you.

(Applause)

I’m telling a story.

Oh!

Oh, great. Anyway---

Anyway, do we have time for this, Gallman?

Can the boss tell the story?

Anyway, it’s a benefit for the St. Catherine’s Foundation

for the mesothiniagram.

Oh, good cause.

So anyway - are you ready for this?

(Laughter)

Are you ready for this?

I’m sitting down with the wife at our reserved table,

because I’m a big star.

And we’re behind this pole. We can’t see the band!

Oh, poor Reg.

Now, wait a second, are you ready for this?

Yeah.

I peak around this pole and who’s got the table

in front of i,t with a perfect view it’s Tom Brokaw!

Oh, well he’s an anchorman, Reg.

He’s number three in the ratings.

I’m number two, right behind Oprah.

He’s number three and he’s got a great seat!

(Laughter)

But anyway it’s a great cause.

Yes, it is.

There’s some great people down there and I wish them well.

Yeah.

(Laughter)

Okay.

Number three in the ratings!

(Laughter)

Anyway, okay how about you and Frank?

Well, we had a very romantic sexy dinner at home Reg.

You’re always at home, now.

I know.

Well we like to eat and we like to play with our little Cody.

Cody, what...?

(Laughter)

What kind of name is Cody?

Oh, here we go. I mean it’s a nice name.

Reg, no! If you’re an Indian, Cody!

No, no.We like it. Its an Indian name.

Okay,okay.

Okay, Gallman’s over there with a sad face,

so let’s get to our first guest.

Oh she’s lovely.

Lovely lady, lovely lady.

We love to have her.

Let’s bring her on the Queen of All My Children,

Miss Susan Lucci. Susan Lucci!

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Malucci!

Hello Regis.

Malucci has returned.

Yes she looks -

Hello again, you look lovely.

You look thinner. You know you do look thinner.

Well, thank youYou look thinner.

Thank you very much. I feel great.

I still love being on All My Children.

All My Children. I did a bit on that show.

Do you remember that, Susan? I did a bit on All My Children.

Oh well -

And we got that tape down, can we roll it?

Oh, I love this.

I love this, Reg! Can we take a look at this folks.

Why, Regis Philbin.

Very nice to meet you, Erika.

(Laughs)

(Laughter and applause)

Was that great?

(Cheers and applause)

I thought I delivered that pretty well.

You did.

Calvin is over there shaking his head.

Oh, yeah, well let’s see Brokaw do that.

That’s right. He’s number three!

Yeah!

Anyway, anyway you’re a beautiful woman,

always a lot of fun.

Susan Lucci everybody.

Susan Lucci. Susan Lucci.

(Applause)

Bye.

(Laughter and applause)

Malucci!

She’s wonderful. Is she great?

Wonderful. A lovely, lovely lady.

She’s wonderful. We love to have her.

Yes. Okay.

Yes. Yes.

As you know there’s been a recent outbreak of violent

Oh, yes. crimes in our city.

Especially right here, in the Big Apple.

Its terrible.

It’s a very, very sad thing, very serious.

Frightening,

But there are things that you can do.

And here with the self defense demonstration

from the Jerome Macky Martial Arts School, Mr. Jerome Macky.

Jerome Macky!

(Applause)

Okay.

Welcome.

Welcome.

Okay.

(Cheers and applause)

Okay, okay now, Jerome you’re gonna tell us what we can do

to deal with this horrible thing.

Well, Regis people have to realize that they can’t wait

around for the cops or anyone else to take care of them.

That’s absolutely true Jerome.

Unless, of course, you’re Oprah.

Oprah gets a limo.

Reg!

Okay, okay we’re gonna do a little something here.

Okay. Let’s do a little something here.

Okay. Come on give me that

Okay. I want to do something.

All right, he is. I’m out of control!

Whoa!

Sexy, sexy. I’m wild.

Now I know what difference feels like.

Okay. Hii - yah!

Oh Bruce Lee.

Bruce Lee.

Yeah, go Bruce.

Go, Bruce! Go!

Hii - Yah! Hii - Yah!

Hii-yah!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Reg! Reg! Ow, ow!

OReg, are you okay?

Oh, ow, ow.

Don’t move, don’t, don’t

Malucci, malucci.

Somebody get a doctor.

Reg!

Everybody back away.

I’ve got his own doctor.

I’m everywhere. Jesus!

Reg, reg, don’t cry, you’ll just hurt more.

Please don’t talk.

Frank!

Come on out, my husband Frank Gifford!

Come on.

(Laughter and applause)

Thanks, Kathy.

We’re sorry Reg is hurt, but we’ll know he’ll be back soon.

Because that’s the kind of competitor he is.

What kind of name is Cody?eah.

Ow, ow, ow!

(Laughter)

We’ll see you tomorrow, everybody.

(Music)

(Cheers and applause)

(Dramatic music)

Mrs. Fleming?

Yes?

I’m afraid we have some bad news.

Bad news? What do you mean?

I’m afraid we can’t find your luggage.

(Even more dramatic music)

(Man speaking) "All My Luggage".

(Applause)

What do you mean, you can’t find my luggage?

What do you mean? Where is it?

It’s too soon to know.. but it is possible it was taken off

in St. Louis - which, as you know, is our hub.

In that case, your luggage could be anywhere.

It could be in Dallas, Chicago, Newark, Memphis, Salt Lake City,

Miami.

This isn’t happening!

No, no, no!

I spoke with Customer Complaints,

and they said they would put a tracer on it!

And that means my luggage will be returned to me

by tonight, right?

Mrs. Fleming, a tracer is a complicated

and time-consuming process.

First, we have to ask youto circle the shape of the luggage

on this chart.

(Laughter)

Then we would fax it to Detroit, Baltimore, Atlanta, Kansas City.

So, what are you telling us?

(Laughter)

I’m telling you there’s a chance

you won’t get your luggage this evening.

No, this isn’t happening!

(Laughter)

You don’t understand!

I change my clothes four times a day!

My suede skirt is in my bags!

All my scarves, all my make-up!

No, no, no, this isn’t happening!

This is not happening!

Mrs. Fleming, we’re all praying here that the tracer works.

However, you may have to face

the possibility of shopping here, in Vegas.

No!

(Laughter)

Oh, no, no! My luggage is not lost!

Do you understand me? My luggage is not lost!

Sweetheart, it’s okay.

No, Ted, they’re wrong!

I-I know they’re wrong!

Don’t you dare stand there and tell me that I have to face

the possibility that my luggage is lost!

Because, I will not face that possibility!

I will not!

(Laughter and applause0

You put that tracer through now!

(laughter)

And the next time I hear from you,

you’d better have some information about those bags!

(Laughter)

(Laughter and applause)

You cannot do this to me, do you understand!

You cannot do this!

(Laughter and applause)

Jessica!

Ted!

Ted, tell me it’s all a nightmare,

and then I’ll wake up and they will find my luggage,

and my luggage will be here with me!

My clothes will be here!

My scarves will be here!

My make-up will be here!

Shhhh!

(Man laughing)

Jessica!

Don’t do this to yourself.

Why? Why did this happen!

Ted, why did this happen?

Shhhh!

Shhhh!

(Laughter)

The baggage handler’s are there, darling.

If anyone can find your luggage, it’s them.

But, what if they can’t?

What if they can’t?

Shhhh.. Shhhh---

(Laughter)

Look!

Let me take you out to the baggage area.

I think you need some rest.

Rest? No, I can’t rest - not now.

I’d like to stay here - alone - for a minute.

Okay?

Okay.

(Laughter)

I’ll be in the baggage area.

(Laughter)

It’s been a long while since I’ve prayed.

(Laughter)

I know it seems like the only time I come to you,

is when I lose my bags.

I hope you’ll forgive me for that.

But, this time I had no carry-on at all!

Everything is in that baggage!

Oh, God, I know I’ve over-reacted before!

Like the time in Phoenix, when I left my garment bag

on the plane, and I said there was a bomb threat

just so I could get all my stuff!

But this time, it’s different!

I have everything in those bags!

Jessica Fleming!

Yes?

We found your bags.

(Laughter)

Oh, thank You.

(Laughter)

They’re in Milwaukee.

(Dramatic music)

(Crying) No! No! No! No!

(Cheers and applause)

(News music theme)

(Don Pardo speaking) And now "Weekend Update"

with anchorperson, Dennis Miller.

(Loud cheers and applause)

Good evening and what can I tell you?

As of midnight last night,

the U.S. government ran out of money.

A full government shutdown is expected on Tuesday.

White House spokesman Crazy Marlin Fitzwater said,

"After 214 years we’re closing our doors!

Everything must go, this is it!"

(Laughter)

Congress has been spending long hours this week

trying to find a way out of the budget crisis.

Amongst the dozens of interim proposals, was one

by New York senator Alphonse D’Amato

to burn down the capital for the insurance money.

(Laughter)

Now, that joke’s odd.

Sorry, a little behind the scenes editing here.

This week 72 kings, presidents, and prime ministers concluded

the UN world summit on conference on children.

After two days of debating, the largest gathering

of international leaders determined that there are

a lots of children in the world and the majority of them

are quite young.

(Laughter)

Here, now with an explanation on the Motion Picture Association

of America’s new NC -17 rating is our very own, Mr. Subliminal.

Welcome, Mr. Subliminal.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, Dennis.

Homovery simply the NC - 17

rating means the movie contains

serious mature adult themes. Hot sex.

Now, a lot of these movies

are by artistic legitimate filmmakers - perverts.

And it will you know also prohibit children 17 and under

from seeing them - sneak in.

And the ushers by the way can stop them

right at the front door - back door.

Now to preview these current ratings G of course means

general admission - boring.

PG, means Parental Guidance - boobs.

PG - 13 means no one under 13

without parental guidance - big boobs.

And R means Restricted - hard nipplesand, of course---

(Laughter)

the X rating - clothespins recently replaced

with NC- 17 - same thing indicates once again

serious mature adult themes, donkeyswith possible uh,

graphic situations and violence - tie me up.

Now personally, personally I never went

to an X - rated movie - rent them.

I have you know---

(Laughter and applause)

I like to think that you know,

I like to think that I have better things to do

with my time - strip clubs.

Now, back to you Dennis.

Thank you, Mr. Subliminal.

Thank you.

(Loud cheers and applause)

Mr. Subliminal.

Thank you, Mr. Subliminal.

How did he know I was gay?

You know---

(Laughter)

The Supreme Court nominee Judge David Suter was confirmed

this week in the senate, by a 90 to 9 vote.

Liberal democrat had their doubts about Suter questioning

how many significant decisions he had to make

as a New Hampshire judge.

Suter’s most important decision was, of course the landmark case

the State of New Hampshire

vs. the Guy with the Toboggan.

(Laughter)

Hey, sometimes first dates just don’t work out.

(Laughter)

And the House passed a bill yesterday that would allow

prisoners on death row to appeal their sentences

on the grounds of racial discrimination.

Here, with a comment is our own crime correspondent, Chris Rock,

Welcome, Chris.

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you Dennis.

Uh, I was watching Heraldo the other day

and he had a special on Live from Death Row.

Two hours of psychos

and not one black guy in the whole special.

You know why ’cause black people are not crazy.

I mean, black people do stupid things.

Black people snatch rope chains, and rob liquor stores.

So black people generally aren’t crazy.

When you watch the news and hear that somebody got their head

chopped off or somebody drank their blood and they used

their toes to play pool with.

(Laughter)

Chances are that was a white guy.

(Laughter)

Now the old lady kicked out of a flight of stairs

for welfare check, black guy.

But, when you hear the newscaster go,

"And then he cut out her eyes and use them as click - clacks.

(Laughter)

That was a white guy.

(Laughter)

No need to waste for a film on that one.

That’s one thing we all do no matter how liberal

you think you are, you wait for the film to see

what color of the guy was that did the crime.

I don’t know white people watch the films like,

"Yeah, I bet he is a black guy. Watch, watch"

"Come in here honey, come in here watch this, watch this.

"See, I told you.

I told you he’s a black guy".

Meanwhile, black people are like,

"Please don’t let it be a black guy, please.

(Laughter)

I want to go to work in peace, please."

You o to work the next day your boss is like,

"So did you know Wayne Williams?"

(Laughter)

Basically what I’m trying to say is that,

we all don’t know each other.

Thank you Dennis.

Thank you Chris Rock.

Yeah.

Thanks, Chris.

(Cheers and applause)

Okay great.

Yeah!

David Duke, the ex - head of the Ku Klux Clan a leader

of the American Nazi Party is running for the senate in Louisiana

which held a primary election today.

You can’t say Duke didn’t give it his all, even went so far

as to have cosmetic facial surgery to make himself

a more electable candidate.

This is the current photo of David Duke.

And here we see a photo of Duke when he was

with the Ku Klux Clan.

Ouch.

Maybe we missed the point about why he wore

a sheet over his head huh?

(Laughter)

You know, much of the covert material used to incriminate

Duke as a former leader of the Ku Klux Klan was taken from

the tape recordings made by an undercover member of the FBI

who specially suited to infiltrate the Ku Klux Klan.

It was special agent Beldar who moves

smoothly amongst the Klan members.

And every media outlet In the United States seemed to have

a story this week about Alise Olson,

New England Patriot Affair in the locker room.

The television show A Current Affair

naturally covered it in it’s inimitable manner.

(Weird noise) (Man speaking): So long!

(Laughter)

And the highly watched PBS series on the Civil War

ended this week.

For those of you who missed the final episode, the North won.

And this is three year old Seth Kannis

of Hutchinson, Kansas who has shown

an amazing ability to learn.

He can recite the Greek Alphabet,

count in three languages, and can operate a computer.

Seth has now so much stuff in his head

that he has to hold it up with his right hand.

This week it was announced that a new cologne is coming out,

Elvis Cologne.

It will come in two sizes, the young Elvis per size

or the Old Elvis, 10 gallon fat.

And now, here with the commentary is Grumpy Old Man.

Welcome, Grumpy Old Man.

(Yelling) Hey, hey!

(Cheers and applause)

Hey!

I’m old and I’m not happy.

Everything to do improved an I don’ like it.

I hate it!

In my day we didn’t have hair dryers.

If you want to blow dry your hair

you stood outside, during a hurricane.

Your hair was dry but you got a sharp piece of wood

driven clear through your skull.

And that’s the way it was and you like it.

You’ll loved it.

Whoopy, I ’m a human head kabob!

(Laughter)

And we didn’t have Minoxidol

and hair weaves.

In my day, if your hair started falling out when you was 16

by 19 you were a bald freak.

There was nothing you can do about it.

Children would spit at you and no woman would mate with you

so, you couldn’t pass on your disgusting baldness gene.

(Laughter)

You’re a public menace, a chrome dome at age 20

and that’s the way it was, and we liked it!

We loved it!

Hallelujah I’m a bald freak; ohh, happy days.

(Laughter)

Ahh!

(Cheers and applause)

Not like today, everybody feeling good about themselves.

(Laughter)

I hate it!

In my day, we didn’t have these thin latex condoms.

(Laughter)

So, you could enjoy sexual pleasure.

In my day, there was only kind of condom;

you took a rabbit skin and wrap it around your privates

and tie it off with a bungee cord.

(Laughter)

And you couldn’t feel nothing.

And half the time you didn’t even know

if your partner was there.

And we use the same one over and over again.

’Cause we were inbred morons.

Just a bunch of headless hairless head kabobs standing

around with a rabbit’s skin on our dinks

and that’s the way it was, and we liked it.

(Cheers and applause)

Oh, my God.

Wow!

Thank you, Grumpy.

(Cheers and applause)

Yeah, grumpy old man.

Saddam Hussein this week reacting to his public relations

experts in Iraq who said that if he was going to appear so much

on TV, he should at least make an effort to make himself

a little more presentable.

Change his hairstyle, and trim his moustache.

Guess what folks, that’s the news.

And I am out of here.

(News music theme (Cheers and applause)

(Soft music)

(Man speaking) And now Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

(Man speaking) I guess of all my uncles, I like Uncle Caveman the best.

We called him Uncle Caveman, because he lived in a cave.

And because sometimes he’d eat one of us.

Later on, we found out he was a bear.

(Soft music) (Soft laughter)

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Don Pardo speaking) Look at this studio,

filled with fabulous cash and prizes!

All yours for the taking on.

"Game Breakers"!

And here’s your host, Jack Logan!

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you, and welcome to "Game Breakers"!

Thank you, Don Pardo!

And welcome to our returning champion - Margaret Fletcher!

Thank you, Jack!

Now, let’s meet your challenger.

All the way from Pine Valley - Erica Kane.

Hello, Erica.

(Cheers and applause)

Hello, Jack!

Now, Erica, it says here you’ve been married eight times?

Yes, but only six were legal!

And I understand that you, at one time piloted

a helicopter to rescue someone from prison?

Oh! Well, I was only trying to break my lover out of jail,

I do wish I hadn’t told you that!

And---

you’ve been kidnapped, survived a plane crash,

stared down a grizzly bear, you have your own line of cosmetics,

and you’re the editor of a major magazine.

I try to keep busy!

(Laughter)

Alright.

Margaret, you’re the mother of two, and what do you do?

Well, I work in the home.

(Laughter)

And I’m sure you’re all familiar with our game!

Oh, yes, I am, Jack!

I watch you every day!

And I hope you won’t think that I’m being too forward

if I tell you that think you just have

such a commanding presence!

No, that’s very nice!

(laughter)

(Laughter)

Alright, let’s play!

Don Pardo, tell them what they’re playing for!

(Don Pardo speaking) This beautiful bedroom suite from Brayhill!

Alright.

Margaret, you’re the champion,

so, why don’t you pick a category for us.

"American Presidents" for 200, Jack!

"He was the only President

to serve two non-consecutive terms."

(Buzzer)

Grover Cleveland!

Oh, Jack.. I.. uh.. excuse me, but.. I just..

I couldn’t get my buzzer to work.

Could you show me, perhaps, what I was doing wrong?

Well, it’s simple.

You just put your hand on the button.

Oh, look at how much larger your hand is than mine!

(laughter)

You have an artistic streak, don’t you?

Why, yesss.. yes, I do.

Just put your hand on the button, like this.

(Buzzer)

Grover Cleveland!

Corect!

And Erica picks up 200 points! (Laughter)

And control of the board!

Excuse me, Jack!

I, I---

I will take "Bodies of Water" for 400, please!

"Which of the Great Lakes is located entirely in the U.S.?"

(Buzzer)

Lake Michigan!

Oh, Jack look, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be a problem,

but I pressed my buzzer too late that time.

Could I do it again?

Well, there are rules.

Please?

O-o-okay.. "Which of the Great Lakes is located..?"

(Buzzer)

Lake Michigan!

That’s corect!

(Laughter)

(Thinking) What’s happening to me?

Am I losing all sense of fairness?

I’m a game show host.

I’ve got to be impartial.

But, God help me, she’s the most fascinating woman I’ve ever met.

Excuse me, Jack?

I-I-I believe that I-I rang in before Erica did!

Well, Margaret, isn’t there a chance that you could be wrong?

Well, I think.. I think I ought to know

when I rang my own buzzer, Jack!

Please.

Margaret, it’s Erica’s turn.

"Show Business" for 500, Jack!

"He won an Oscar for ’Marty’."

(Buzzer)

Oh, um.. it’s on the tip of my tongue.

(Time out buzzer)

Ernest---

Ernest Borgnine!

Corect, for 500!

(Laughter)

Jack, those are my 500 points!

I know, I said Ernest Borgnine first!

Margaret, you’re lying. You know you are.

No! I’m not lying!

Margaret, you’re tired and you’re desperate to win,

and you’re lying.

No!

I’m not lying, Erica!

I rang in, and I started to say Ernest Borgnine---

Oh, you started to say Ernest Borgnine!

I hope everyone is listening here---

you started to say Ernest Borgine?

I love it! You are so pathetic, Margaret!

You and your tissue of lies!

Those are my 500 points, Erica Kane, and I want them back!

(Yelling at each other)

Mrs. Fletcher! Please!

She tried to hurt me, Jack!

It’s just that I know that I rang my buzzer in

before she did, Jack!

I know that, I did!

Leave her alone, Margaret.

(laughter)

Haven’t you done enough, already?

Well.. I-I-I know that-

Don.

Let’s take a break.

Alright, Jack!

Transportation for "Game Breakers" is provided by

TransEastern Airlines.

At Transeastern, we don’t love to fly,

but we keep the feeling hidden.

While in Los Angeles, contestants stay at

Sleep ’N Save!

Sleep ’N Save, because every hotel room

looks the same in the dark.

Oh, God, we’re back.

And, Erica you have control of the board.

"World Capitals" for 300.

(Bell rings once)

"It’s called The City of Light."

Paris!

(Bell rings)

You’re right.

You’re so very right.

Yoo-hoo! Jack! Hello?

(Laughter)

Could you speak up?

I can’t - I can’t hear so well from here!

"World Capitals" for 600!

Oh. Okay.

"Argentina".

Buenos Aires!

Jack! I know the answer!

(Buzzer)

Buenos Aires!

(Buzzer)

Some members of our studio audience will receive

Party Improver; invite Party Improver to your next party,

and watch your party improve.

And Tick-Off; simply the finest tick repellent money can buy -

and Tick-Away, its chief competitor.

Jack, back to you.

Thank you, Don.

We’re back, and Erica still has control of the board

and she’s about to make me the happiest man in the world.

Will the bride and the groom please join hands?

(Laughter)

(Thinking) She’s the most fascinating woman I’ve ever seen!

We’re ready.

Don’t do this, Jack!

She’s only using you!

If any man here knows any reason why these two

should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now.

You have fifteen seconds.

(Ticking bell)

I believe I have an objection!

(Applause)

Gene!

Yes.

Yes, Mrs. Erica Kane Martin-Brent-Carnegie-Chandler

Montgomery-Montgomery-Rayburn!

Gene, what are you doing here?

I was in town taping " Circus of the Stars"!

I believe you’ve met my friends, Siegfried & Roy!

(Laughter)

(Music)

You’re very clever, Rayburn.

But it won’t work!

I’ll have Erica Kane for my wife,

and nothing and no one will stop me!

( Cuguar roaring)

(Screaming) I am Erica Kane!

Oh, my God!

No!

Tune in tomorrow for another episode of "Game Breakers".

This is Don Pardo speaking.

(Cheers and applause)

(Soft music)

(Man speaking) And now Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

(Seagulls)

Is there anything more beautiful

than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,

Flying across, in front of a beautiful sunset?

And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak,

and also he’s carrying

a very beautiful painting with his feet.

And, also, you’re drunk.

(Laughter and applause)

I’d like to thank everybody here.

I thank Hothouse Flowers, Gene Rayburn.

Thank you.

This wonderful cast and crew here at Saturday Night Live.

I had the best time of my life.

And this audience, what an audience!

Thank you.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)