Original subtitles

[IRAQI music]

You are watching Iraqi State Television.

The following is an unedited address by the President

of the United States, George Bush.

Good evening.

Now, first of all, I’d like to thank the Iraqi government,

for giving me this second opportunity to talk to the Iraqi people.

You know, when I last spoke to you a few weeks back,

apparently I failed to convey how seriously the United States

views the illegal seizure of Kuwait down there.

[audience laughing]

My mistake, I believe, was in using the vague,

euphemistic code words of international diplomacy.

So, tonight I’m gonna speak to you in the kind of language

that every Arab, every Iraqi, can understand.

You see, your leader,

the godless liar, Saddam Hussein

is nothing more than a hyena

[audience laughing]

in the skin of a lion.

He thinks to frighten us, like sheep,

with his loud braying...

Nah gah do it!

[audience laughing]

America’s no sheep waiting to be seized by a hyena!

Rather, it’s a great scorpion which deals a deadly sting

to those who would crush it!

Stinging! Stinging! Stinging!

[audience laughing]

You know, I’ve been in close consultation with Speaker Foley,

Senator Dole and Mitchell over there,

in that place where they are down there!

And, like me, they agree: the American people are not afraid of war.

They don’t fear death, but rather welcome death

as a glorious martyrdom. The reward of those

who die in battle for the one true God, Jesus Christ!

[audience laughing]

And yourleader, the hyena, Saddam Hussein,

thinks he can climb into the pit with the American cobra,

and charm it with the music of his lies.

But remember, Mr. Hussein: the venom of the American cobra

spits far and true!

Not spittin’ yet wouldn’t be prudent!

[audience laughing]

But, rest assured, that cobra will strike!

[audience laughing]

As the prophet has written:

[speaks in Iraqi]

[audience laughing]

"Your children shall wander aimlessly.

There reason shall desert them, and they shall not know

where there fathers’ bones are buried."

You know, this summer I was up in Kennebunkport, Maine,

relaxing, in that relaxation mode,

while our armies, our great armies, lay poised

on the brink of a great war.

My wife, Bar, turned to me, and what she said

speaks for Americans everywhere.

"Jackals," said Bar.

"Jackals will slake their thirst on the blood of Iraqi soldiers,

and their entrails shall stink in the sun and be food for hogs!"

[audience laughing]

So, to sum up: Hussein, lion’s clothing, really a hyena;

America, both a scorpion and a cobra;

[audience laughing]

jackals, slaking their thirst,

entrails stinking, food for hogs.

Good night!

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

You have been listening to an address by the President of the United States.

Here, with an analysis, are:

Tadir Havadabadi,

Malid Haziz Amani,

and Amad Havim Adabadi.

Tadir, how do you think Bush did?

I was impressed.

This was a new George Bush.

A mad man I think we can deal with.

Malid?

Well, after his first speech, Bush desperately needed a hit.

Tonight, I think he got a home run. I do, I do.

Amid?

I was especially struck by the part about our children

not knowing where are bones are buried.

I’ve got several grandchildren,

I want them to know where my bones are buried!

This has been Iraqi State TV’s special coverage of an address

by the President of the United States.

Later tonight, "Kojak".

[audience laughing]

This week, Kojak is cornered by members of the mob.

But, first: "Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!"

[audience cheering]

[music]

[Announcer:] It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey.

Phil Hartman.

Jan Hooks.

Victoria Jackson.

Dennis Miller.

Mike Myers.

Kevin Nealon.

With Chris Farley.

Chris Rock.

And featuring Al Franken.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Sinead O’ Connor.

And starring Kyle McLachlan.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kyle McLachlan.

[audience applauding]

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Nice to be here, and it’s an honor to be hosting

the opening show of Saturday Night Live.

Well, one of the reasons any actor wants to host this show is

in order to show another side of his talent and personality.

And in my case since most of you probably know me

from the eccentric character I played on "Blue Velvet" and...

[audience cheering]

Thanks.

And of course, Agent Cooper from "Twin Peaks".

[audience cheering]

I was especially anxious for you to see

what I’m like as a person.

So this may seem a little unusual, I don’t know if they’ve done this before,

but I thought I’d open up the floor to any questions

you might have about me.

So, yeah?

Yeah, um.. where you from?

Yakuma, Washington.

[audience laughing]

Yeah?

Is your name pronounced Mac - clock - land?

It’s Mac - loc - land, close.

It’s Scottish.

Yeah.

Uh, yeah, this isn’t so much a question about you,

but I’m a big "Twin Peaks" fan, and I was kind of wondering:

are we going to find out this year who killed Laura Palmer?

Yeah, it’s...

Uh, it’s Shelly the waitress, and uh.

[audience laughing]

They’re going to reveal that in the last episode, so...

Any more questions, or..?

Okay. Look, we’ve got a great show tonight.

Sinead O’Connor is here.

[audience cheering]

Oh, Kyle?

- Kyle? - Yeah?

Kyle, could you come to the control room for a moment?

There’s a phone call for you.

Yeah okay.

Um.. excuse me.

[audience laughing]

It’s David Lynch.

[audience laughing]

David! Hey, are you watching?

Well, what do you think?

[barks unintelligible slur of words]

Well, he asked me. What am I supposed to do, lie?

How long have you been in this business?

I’ve been in the business for 6 years, David. You know that.

[unintelligible barking of slur words]

[audience laughing]

Well, what good would it be to tell.. it’s Shelly, David.

I mean the episode’s been shot. It’s Shelly, okay.

I mean, they’re going to find out eventually.

I KNOW THAT!

STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! DON’T TELL ANY MORE!

[ barks unintelligible orders ]

Yes. Okay.

Yes, sir. Yes, yes sir.

Okay, I understand. Okay, I’ll try.

DO IT! GET OUT OF HERE!

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Uh.. uh..

Excuse me, I.. Uh.. I want to say one thing.

Earlier, when I made the joke about Shelly the waitress

killing Laura Palmer, I.. I just wanted to make sure

that you all knew that it was a joke.

And, uh.. I mean, obviously I wouldn’t come out here and...

And tell you that, uh.. uh.. that it was real and,

uh.. and ruin my chances of being in the second season.

I mean, only a real idiot who never wanted to work in Hollywood

who deserves a real big spanking,

would.. uh.. would do such a stupid thing like that.

So, anyway, we’ve got a great show, so stick around,

we’ll be right back.

[audience cheering]

Hey, we’ve got our apartment. We ripped up the floors, pipes, wiring,

and having everything completely redone.

- You’re renting, right? - Yeah.

Well, he’s an ex free-base addict,

he’s trying to turn around, and he needs a place to stay for a couple of months.

Head’s up!

Now that I have kids, I feel a lot better having a gun in the house.

Hey, I thought about it, and even though it’s over,

I’m going to tell my wife about the affair.

I don’t know the guy, but I’ve got two kidneys and he needs one, so I figured.

Normally I wear protection, but then I thought,

"When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?"

[Narrator:] Bad Idea Jeans.

- Hey, you guys ready? - Yeah.

Let’s bet!

A hundred bucks.. Ow!

All right, let’s make that 200! 200 bucks!

[audience cheering]

[music]

[Announcer:] And now, "Weekend Update" with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

[audience cheering]

Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

This week, President Bush

addressed the joint meeting of the International Monetary Fund,

and kept four balls in the air for a good 30 seconds.

[audience laughing]

Also this week, the Bush administration doubled the estimated cost

of bailing out the failed Savings & Loan industry,

and now say it will cost a staggering $130 billion

over the next five years.

$130 billion!

Can you really grasp what that figure means?

Let me put this in layman’s terms for you:

if the United States only had one person, he’d have to kick in

$130 billion!

[audience laughing]

Thank you.

[audience applauding]

Move over here now.

In his address to the joint session of Congress last week,

President Bush said, "It’s about time we crack down

on the aggression of Saddam Hussein."

In keeping with that challenge, sitting right next to Vice-President Quayle,

behind the President, was none other than the leader

of the Dirty Dozen, Lee Marvin.

[audience laughing]

At the UN this week, the meeting of the general assembly

degenerated when the deposed Emir of Kuwait,

Sheik Jabar al Amad al Sabab, began delivering a speech,

and other unruly general assembly members began playing

Ring Toss with his head.

[audience laughing]

As of tomorrow, September 30th, the Pentagon’s price tag

on its Persian Gulf operation, known as Desert Shield,

is $2.5 billion.

Don’t they know they don’t have to use the Desert Maxi-Shield,

they could save a little money and use the Stay-Free Desert Mini-Shield!

[audience laughing]

As more and more troops arrive in Saudi Arabia,

the military spirit has caught on,

and a new marching song has emerged as the battle hymn of the 90’s:

* "It’s Saudi Doody time!" *

[audience applauding]

Dan Rather...

Ted Koppel, Bryant Gumbel all have distinguished themselves,

reporting from the Middle East during the current Gulf crisis.

Weekend Update has dispatched our own one-man mobile-uplink unit Al Franken to the Gulf.

And we go now live to Al in Saudi Arabia,

where it is about noon. Al?

Hello, Al?

Dennis, I am here on the Arabian peninsula,

panning now with my Sony KB-2000,

which is mounted on my steadicam harness

and I’m beaming my signal with my 1.3 meter parabolic antenna

up to a satellite back down to you, at 30...

Al, you look terrible.

Uh.. yes, Dennis.. I.. am lost.

And I’m gonna push in now with my Sony KB-2000

to show the effects of five days of blistering sun

with nothing to drink.. but my own.. urine.

Oh, Al! That’s terrible!

Uh, yes, Dennis about five days ago,

my high-mobility multi-purpose vehicle ran out of gas.

I’m gonna pan over there now, it’s a very difficult maneuver

because the dehydration and 120° heat has left me

in a weakened state.

So weak, in fact, that I am not absolutely certain whether

I am actually, uh talking to you or simply hallucinating.

You are talking to me, Al, you’re talking to me.. Well..

I.. I hope so, Dennis.

Al, maybe we can get a fix on your location by triangulating your signal.

I-I-I.. love you, too, Dennis.

I love you all.

In fact I’m crying now.

There are no tears as such due to the severe dehydration.

Just hold on, Al!

Dennis.. don’t worry everything’s going to be fine.

- You know why? - Why Al?

Because I... I’m gonna go to sleep now, Dennis.

- No, Al! Do not go to sleep! - It’s time to sleep.

It’s not time to sleep! Fight it, Al!

We’re losing him. Al? We lost him.

Al, wake up!

Oh my God.

No. No. No.

Shoo! Shoo!

[audience laughing]

Aw, nooo.

This is terrible!

[audience applauding]

This is as bad as I’ve ever seen.

All we can do is hope for some kind of a miracle.

[audience laughing]

In response--

[audience applauding]

In response to the increasing number of communist leaders

deposed in recent months, a lime Ohio manufacturer has come up

with a new device to help deposed leaders in their time of need.

It’s called the Over Throw Alert.

My regime has fallen and I can’t get up!

[audience laughing]

Supreme Court nominee Judge David Suter was the guest

of baseball commissioner Faye Vincent this week at a Baltimore Oriole game,

where he was asked to throw out the first ball

and the Roe vs. Wade decision.

On the left is de Klerke.. and on the right is just plain Duh!

[audience laughing]

You know, something happened over the summer I felt we just

had to comment on: can you believe Washington mayor Marion Barry got off?

You know, it’s surprising, because I’ve heard

that when you do that much blow, you can’t get off.

[audience laughing]

You know...

She’d look really good if she’d take off those damn glasses!

[audience laughing]

Michael Dukakis has announced that he may run again

for President of the United States, whereupon every citizen

in the state of Massachusetts simultaneously said, "Yeah, right!"

Ronald and Nancy Reagan were traveling last week throughout Europe

and visited Berlin, where it was the former president’s job

to go back to the hotel and help Nancy take off her make-up.

[audience laughing]

Out in Hollywood this week, the Motion Picture Association

abandoned its controversial X rating in favor

of a new category meaning No Children Under 17, to be called NC-17.

And today they announced an additional category: IQ-80.

[audience laughing]

PBS, to kick off its new season, announced a new five-night series,

that will depict a woman with sixteen personalities all in mortal conflict.

"The Sybil War" will appear Sunday through Thursday

on your local PBS affiliate.

Everybody’s wondering who killed Laura Petrie.

I think it was Mel Cooley.

Or maybe Pickles.

Last week, in the New York Times, Leona Helmsley

took a full-page ad to publish an open letter to Saddam Hussein,

condemning him for calling his captive hostages

in Kuwait and Baghdad "guests" of his country.

Leona went on to say, "I’ve been in the hotel business

for over 25 years; I know guests.

These people are not guests; they’re employees!

[audience cheering]

And the Rev. Al Sharpton recently moved to New Jersey’s suburbs,

and everybody in New Jersey moved to Manhattan.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news.

[audience cheering]

So that’s, eh, one kilt, one Loch Ness Monster,

and one bottle of Bell’s Scotch whiskey.

That comes to $222.27, please.

There you go. Thank you very much.

- Thank you. - Great store, by the way.

You just sell Scottish things here?

That’s right! All Things Scottish.

Our slogan is, if it’s no’ Scottish, it’s crap!

[audience laughing]

Help yourself to a piece of haggis.

- Thanks very much. - There you go ... all righty.

- Bye-bye now. - Bye-bye.

[bagpipes door chime]

[audience laughing]

[bagpipes door chime]

Welcome to All Things Scottish. If it’s no’ Scottish, it’s crap!

Can I help you?

It’s a shot in the dark, but I was wondering,

do you have these coasters?

They’re plaid, and they have Jackie Stewart’s head on them.

Box of six or twelve?

Twelve! That’s great.

- $17, please. - $17, okay.

Listen, I love the way you talk.

- Oh, thank you very much. - Yeah.

Okay, thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Oh, "It’s a bare breed nicht tinicht"!

It sure is. All righty.

- Bye. - Bye-bye now.

[bagpipe door chimes]

You’re late! Get your kilt on!

Dad, I’m not wearing a stupid kilt!

you’ll wear it or you’ll get a kick in the face, y’little bastard!

Dad we live in America now! No one else wears kilts!

I know no one else wears kilts, but then no one else is Scottish either!

You’ll wear it and you’ll like it!

I dun’ know, I’ll kill you, son.

You’re a dead man now, ya bastard!

- You make me laugh, wee man. - That’s it!

Say goodbye to life!

Me mum wouldn’t made me wear a stupid kilt!

Oh, don’t bring up yer mother! No fair, bastard!

I LOVE YOU!

I LOVE YOU, SON!

It hurts! It HURTS!

I’m sorry.

I’ll wear the kilt.

Aww, bringing up yer mother like that!

Ya know, I just, I get so emotional, it herts!

All righty, look, we’ve got this shipment of Sean Connery’s, uh..

...autobiography.

Would you mind displaying them please?

And by the way, where were you?

- Golfin’. - Magic!

[bagpipe door chimes]

Welcome to All Things Scottish.

Me name’s Angus. Can I help yoo?

Sure, Angus, I’d like to get something Scottish for my dad,

like a little leprechaun.

A leprechaun?

Well ... leprechauns are, in fact, Irish.

Oh ... Irish, Scottish, it’s the same thing.

Oh, it’s the same thing, is it?

HAVE A LOOK AT THE MAP!

There’s scotland! there’s Ireland! There’s the bloody sea!

They’re different, now get out!

Get out! Get out, Mrs. No-can-read-a-map!

GET OUUUUUT!

[audience cheering]

[audience applauding]

Dad, I hate it when you shout at the customers like that!

Besides, she was cute!

Listen to me, you’ve no’ got time to go galavanting

with every cheap dolly girl that comes into this store!

Knock on wood!

If anything should happen to me, you’ve got to take over this store!

Dad, I don’t want to take over this shop.

What?

Dad, I said I don’t want to take over this store.

You’ve just committed patricide, son.

Oh, Dad, don’t be so dramatic!

Stick me in a long boat! Set it ablaze!

Poosh me out to sea!

Dad, we’ve been in America for ten years!

Everything’s so bloody Scottish!

We should sell something American!

- Oh aye? Like what? - Pizza.

Pizza? That’s Italian!

It’s what Americans eat, not blood sausage or suet pie, ya tube!

It’s like all of Scottish cuisine’s based on a dare!

[audience laughing]

You’re startin’ to get insulting, son!

Well, maybe you deserve to be insulted!

Well, maybe you deserve to be put through a plate glass windah!

Shame on you, talkin’ like that!

You’d nae’ be talkin’ like that if Mum was aroond!

Oh, don’t bring up yer mother, bastard!

I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

I love you, Dad!

I love you, it herts! It HERTS!

I know it hurts. It hurts me too.

- I LOVE YOU! - I LOVE YOU!

- Okay, we’ll add pizza. - Great, Dad.

All Things Scottish and Pizza.

All right, hold on here, just so we’re clear, all right,

we serve pizza, you take over the store?

- That’s right. - Magic.

And I don’t have to wear the kilt.

Oh, you’re a sneaky slimy bastard.

And you’re a stupid old man!

That’s it! Pick a window! Pick a window to go through!

Oh, look at you!

Your wee head’s about to burst like a tomato!

Oh, I’m gonna rip off your head and spit in yer neck!

Tell that to Mum!

Ow, I LOVE YOU!

- I love you too! - I LOVE YOU!

[audience cheering]

* Oh, the campfire is glowing. *

* Evening purple shadows drifting by. *

* Just another twilight on the cattle trail. *

* Underneath the huckleberry sky. *

* And the cattle a’ lowing. *

* ’Cause they don’t know where they’re going. *

* They’re heading down the trail To Kansas City boys. *

* And they’re gonna lose their heads and die. *

* Working hi, hi, ho, get along little doggy. *

* You’re gonna lose your head and die. *

* You’re gonna lose your head and die. *

* Oh they take your little doggy. *

* Single file they walk you through a door. *

* An automated treadle brings a collar down. *

* Then you won’t be moving anymore. *

[audience laughing]

* A conveyor belt will run you. *

* To where a bolt through your skull will stun you *.

* Then they cut your feet off with hydraulic shears. *

* And take you to the killing floor. *

* Would be tie yay yoo, get along little doggy. *

* You’re going to the killing floor. *

* You’re going to the killing floor. *

* And then they cut from his sternum to his uvula. *

* Uvula. *

* And the heart continues pumping *

* while his blood continues dumping. *

* Till he’s dead. *

* Then the cleaner men inspect them. *

* Stick a hot probe up their rectum. *

[audience laughing]

* And process that’s used now and then. *

* But not commercially widespread. *

* Go to sleep little doggy. *

* Put your little worries on the shelf. *

* Tomorrow afternoon it will be a tough one, boy. *

* Get some rest and think of something else. *

* Oh you walk to Kansas City. *

* And you have this cowboy’s pity. *

* But someone had to lead you to the slaughterhouse. *

* ’Cause you’d never make it by yourself. *

* Go to sleep, go to sleep little doggy. *

* Put your mind on something else. *

* Go to sleep, *

* go to sleep little doggy. *

* Go to sleep. *

[cow mooing]

[audience applauding]

[audience cheering]

Hi, I’m k.d. lang.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

And thanks for listening.

Thank you very much. I had a blast!

This is the greatest time. Thank you to Sinead O’ Connor.

[audience cheering]

Good night everybody!

[music]