Original subtitles

[ Subbed by BARFNUTS ]

VENTURE: Dean, stop playing with your food

and eat something.

I'm not hungry. And I'm a vegetarian now.

I don't eat face.

Hey, uh, more java, Doc?

Oh, lord, yes.

Yeah, hit me up, too, will you?

Up-bap-bap. No caffeine for this one.

The last time you got a hold of some dark chocolate,

you were up two nights straight destroying my walls

to build a Murphy bed.

Murphy beds. You still haven't found all of them.

I'm that good!

Well, let's just see how good you are

at getting those dishes spotless, huh?

You're on K.P., little man.

Mmm!

[helicopter approaching]

Oh, don't rub it in!

What is this, Arabica?

Blackhawk.

Huh. Never heard of it. Mountain grown?

No, military. One of ours.

[thuds]

And it's on our roof now.

SOLDIERS: Boo-yah! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

May I be excused?

All clear, sir. Kitchen is secure.

As you were, soldiers.

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

Dr. Venture, we need to ticky-talk.

The army doesn't have a phone?

No, you don't.

My boys cut your lines as a security precaution.

Great! I'll add that to the bill for my windows.

What the hell is this about?

Pack your bags for tropical climes!

A piece of ordnance you sold me is on the fritz.

I need you on site down in Puerto Bahia

to fix it -- ASAP!

What, did you lose the manual? What do you need me for?

'Cause it's still under warranty,

and it'll only talk to you.

DOC: Dean!

Dean? We're going on an adventure.

DEAN: Yay for you.

I take it from your oh-so-jejune retort

you're not coming then?

Fine. Well, if Ted calls, take a message

and tell him I'll be back in like a day or two, okay?

Dean?

DEAN: I said okay!

Oh, no, you d-- He didn't, right?

Did you hear him?

[jet engine takes off]

DEAN: Hey, boy. You look kind of blue.

Something bugging you? - [ beeps]

I think I might.

You're not happy being a giant robot spider are you?

[beeps]

Walking eye. Sorry.

I know how you feel.

I don't really wanna be what Pop wants me to be, either.

MANHOWERS: Boy, these jPads your brother concocted

are something else, huh?

Look at us -- briefing on the go at 30,000 feet.

Whoo-ee!

Meh, I miss the old-school briefings --

the smoke-filled rooms,

the soft clatter of the projector --

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You been following the news out of Puerto Bahia?

'Course not. It's classified.

Well, a bunch of no-good commies

been trying to take over the place.

Communists? Wow. They still make those?

And Uncle Sam, he's good pals with El Presidente.

He told us to give him a helping hand.

Only he don't want to leave no fingerprints.

And that's why we sent your Venturestein down there --

put the kamikaze kibosh on their little revolution.

And then just like that --

Poof! -- they vanished.

Now, we believe he absconded with the rest of the steins

to the jungle southwest of Capital City.

Believe? If you're not even sure where he is,

how am I supposed to find him?

With the one thing you didn't screw up the first time.

Radioactive dye you juiced him with -- jPad here

can track it once you're within a couple of clicks.

There's an app for that.

You mean a trap for that!

- MANHOWERS: Say again? - DOC: What?

Venturestein is luring us there!

He wants to meet his maker face-to-face so he can kill you.

Hank, don't be paranoid.

Venturestein and I got along famously.

That's exactly why we think he'll let you in close.

I'm just saying.

If we get there and he's in a pair of bicycle shorts

talking about "Tears in the Rain,"

you run like hell because he is there

to smush your head!

MANHOWERS: Ah, you ain't gotta worry

about him going all "Roy Batty" on you.

If you can't talk him down, all you gotta do

is click that little icon that looks like a cherry bomb.

- Then what? - Then you run like hell.

'Cause that jPad you're holding comes

fat-packed with factory-installed C-4.

W-Wait! You want me to kill him?

No, he was already dead once, man!

Where's your moral dilemma?

No, it's not that! It's just you, uh...

haven't mentioned the little matter of my...

compensation.

Oh, right. Right. Let me see here...

I'm already out of pocket here on supersonic jet fuel --

How's this for out of pocket, huh?

'Cause that's exactly what you gave your Uncle Sam

when you sold him a bushel of dead lemons!

Now fix it!

MAN ON RADIO: Attention, unidentified aircraft.

You are entering controlled airspace.

Turn back now. - Uh, hello?

This is Dr. Thaddeus S. Venture.

To whom am I speaking? - HATRED: We got incoming.

- I'm out of here. - What the heck?

Too big to be a missile, too slow to be a jet.

What could -- [metal scraping ]

[ Screeches ]

- We lost cabin pressure! - Really?

That's what concerns you. - HANK: Go time!

All right, do not deploy 'til you're below 500 feet

so the enemy won't spot your chutes.

If we lose each other in the shit,

regroup at rendezvous point at 2400 hours!

Rende-- Hank, wait!

- Please be prompt! - That's not a...

[Whimpers]

This is not a parachute!

Good gravy. That boy is gonna get himself killed!

Yeah, like We're doing great.

[ Pteranodon screeches ]

Can't... shake him! Get off, you damn pest!

Yeah, I think Hank might have had the right idea.

Hang on!

[ Screeches ]

Oh, this is much better.

At least I got a clear shot now.

Don't!

[ Screeches ]

Aah!

Aah!

Uh...

ah!

Uh-huh.

Aah!

[grunting ]

[doorbell rings]

Well, hi, there, Mister, uh, Venture.

My name is Marsha Backwood,

and I am running for re-election

to the United States Congress.

Uh, 'Kay.

Oh, pardon me. Buenos dies.

Donde estas Senor Ventura?

Puerta Bahia.

Uh, I'm sorry. That's all the Spanish I know.

No, he went to Puerto Bahia.

Oh!

Well, do you know when he'll be back?

Return-o a casa?

[ sighs ] No!

The army dragged him away for something.

Now, buenas tardes. I'm busy here!

Get me General Manhowers.

And find out if that gardener's legal.

[sighs]

Okay, H.E.L.P.Er.,

I'm just gonna switch you off first while --

[ panicked beeping ]

Aah! No! Easy, boy! It's okay!

I promise it won't hurt! H.E.L.P.Er.!

Wait!

I can make it all better!

[beep]

Well, H.E.L.P.Er. should be here any minute,

assuming he survived the crash.

Survived the -- you know we didn't bring H.E.L.P.Er.

With us, right?

Ri-i-g-ht.

Uhh, any luck getting Hank?

Dead.

His watch, I mean.

Static. I'm getting a lot of --

Nobody's dead, just put that --

Yeah, all right, all right.

Well, let's just wait here 'til he shows up then.

Without that jPad,

I don't have a clue where we're going anyway.

Dr. Venture? Dr. Venture! Come on, now, pick up.

Aw, I got nothing but sky here.

What in blazes?

Ugh, I'm gonna throw up!

You!

DOC: Ugh, god, I hate the jungle.

It's hot. It's damp. Everything's alive.

Here, look at this. See this stick?

No, you don't.

'Cause guess what -- it's a bug.

It's a stick bug.

Ugh! Disgusting. And that's not all!

Shh! You hear something?

I hear you changing my subject.

[footsteps approaching ] Someone's coming. Get down!

DOC: Ugh, urine everywhere!

HATRED: Shh!

[ Sniffing ]

[ Snorting ]

What the hell are those things?

They weren't in the briefing.

- You didn't make them? - No!

Oh, crap, he heard you. He's looking right at us.

- What do we do? - We make a break for it.

I'll divert them, you run west.

Ready? Now!

Hey, pretty boy! Jocelyn Wildenstein called!

She wants her face back!

[ Hisses ]

[snarls, growls]

Oh, my god! This was a bad idea!

Cheetah-man is crazy-fast!

I do not know what I was thinking!

Climb up a tree! Cheetahs can't climb!

They don't have retractable claws!

Neither do I!

Oh, l am being disemboweled!

For the love of God, shake a bag of pounce at him!

[ growls ]

Aah!

HANK: [groaning ]

Hank's war journal, entry number one.

I don't know how long I was out.

The rumble in my tummy tells me

it's been at least four hours.

[beep]

Hank's war journal, entry number two.

My team failed to rendezvous,

and they're not answering their watches.

I am on my own, stranded behind enemy lines.

I'll need my strength to set up base camp.

Thankfully, mother nature provides for her children.

Hmm.

[snoring ]

[Squeaking ]

Huh?

Father!

[ Panicked beeping ]

[grunting ]

[strained ] Hank was right!

Venturestein terribly sorry.

N-Not mean do that.

Uh, old habit.

Wow. Your diction's really come a long way

since I last saw you.

Good Venturestein.

Yes, army teach Venturestein make more good diction.

Yeah, syntax -- not so much.

Army also teach Venturestein salute.

Teach make bed. Teach kill.

Sounds like the army had

a real positive influence on your life.

Why don't we just take you back --

No! Venturestein never go back!

Army make Venturestein come here,

infiltrate revolution peoples.

Orders make self-terminate when discover.

Several Stein obey.

That when Venturestein see him.

He older, but Venturestein still recognize --

is Jorgé, little shoe boy

from Father teach films!

He not know Venturestein, of course.

But after he stop scream, we make good talk.

Jorgé open Venturestein eyes

to exploitation of proletariat.

Change Venturestein whole outlook.

That when Venturestein decide quit army,

go to jungle.

So, you fell in with a bad crowd.

You're feeling rebellious -- that's adolescence!

Listen to your father, here.

My Dean is going through the same thing.

Let go of me! Let go, you undead bastards!

I demand to be heard!

Is okay. State grievance, comrade.

Why haven't you slain this scientist yet?

Karl, we discuss. Need Father to --

He killed Turu!

We found her body next to his plane.

He deserves to die!

Him and his chubby girlfriend.

Is true?

That's -- he's not my girlfriend, he's my bodyguard.

Turu part!

Urn, is Turu a pterodactyl?

Pteranodon, you monster!

See? He not even good at science.

Father bring no pain to Karl.

Karl go outside, maybe. Cool off.

[ Hisses] I'll walk myself out!

[ Urinating ]

[zips]

Karl mark his territory.

Send Venturestein not subtle message.

[ Clears throat] Friend of yours?

Karl sometimes hothead.

Karl not have good father like -- like Venturestein!

Venturestein find Karl father lab few click from here.

Experiment on Karl with bad hurt-science.

Venturestein liberate.

[gunfire]

Venturestein learn jungle very popular

with bad scientist.

Secret science hurt-camp everywhere!

Liberate all!

New friends join Venturestein. Become new army.

Come here, all together!

Make home.

That why Venturestein need Father.

Father tell other scientists no more hurt-science!

Tell them free Venturestein brother and sister.

Look, I know you think your father is Superman

and I can do anything,

but I'm gonna level with you here --

I don't have a whole lot of sway

in the science scene these days.

What this? Father make army box blow up Venturestein?

No! No! I-l was -- Please be careful with that!

Father bad!

Sonnystein! Tedstein! Take Father!

Father not help Venturestein.

Venturestein help himself.

Wait!

Army box make internet?

Hank's War Journal, star date 2112.

Sleep would not come to me.

The jungle would not allow it.

She has clutched me to her bountiful bosom

and nourished me,

which is kind of nice 'cause I never had a mommy.

But she demands a sacrifice in return.

[ groans, vomits ]

I've vomited and diarrheaed out

whatever was left of my old life.

My Hank's run dry.

I'm but an empty vessel,

waiting for the jungle to fill me with new purpose.

[thunder crashes]

Only through her will I be reborn.

But, pray tell, what new Hank will emerge

from her hot, green womb?

Huh?

[gasps]

Yes, mother.

I shall become... a bat.

[groans]

[farts] Oh!

[ door opens ]

I’m sorry sir, I-l tried to stop her, but --

General Manhowers, did you abduct one of my constituents?

Need I remind you that we have

a constitution in this country, sir --

And this is an election year.

Now, don't get your tea cozy in a bunch,

little miss sunshine.

Dr. Venture volunteered to consult

on a matter of national --

[jPad dings] Why, this is him right now.

- Hello. I Venturestein. - W-What's he...

Nah, nah, nah. This ain't right!

I speak now to brother and sister comrade

still in bondage with message of hope.

U.R.G.H.!!

We United Repressed Grotesque Humanity!

We here help all who suffer from scientist everywhere!

You who made in laboratory, and in toxic swamp.

You vivisected angel who suffer in silence.

[dog whimpers] Venturestein feel your pain!

Break free!

Children of the atom,

break free from scientist shackle!

U.R.G.H., welcome you with open arms!

Come -- come to land where you accepted.

Eh, this is going great, huh?

Remind me never to take government work again.

They called us "abomination,"

but together we build abomi-nation!

U.R.G.H.!

Holy crap!

He ain't just gone off the reservation --

he's opening his own damn casino!

Where'd she go?

[ Beeping ]

[groans]

[panting]

[thunder crashes]

You who made in laboratory and in toxic swamp.

You vivisected angel who suffer in silence.

[groaning]

Aah!

[panting]

Venturestein feel your pain!

Break free!

No!

- [farts] - What's going on over there?

Nothing! The bed creaked.

KARL: Venturestein!

Venturestein! Come out here!

Zoink! ls angry mob!

They have torches?

KARL: Give us the scientist!

He is of no more use to you.

We demand justice for Turu!

Yeah, we executed all our science guys.

[snorts] Why is yours so special?

Please, comrades. Time for bloodshed over.

We dawn of new era.

Soon, new brothers and sisters come.

How do you know that they'll come?

And where do you expect to put them all?

Seriously, have you thought this through at all?

Our capacity to absorb an influx of immigrants?

We have zero infrastructure!

Please, comrades.

We need a real leader who is not afraid to fight!

Who is with me?

Look, these are all important issues,

but what I want to know is --

what are you gonna do about The Bat?

You guys haven't heard about this?

Like a massive bat creature.

He's been terrorizing us out on patrol.

Wait. We don't have a bat guy?

- Bat guy? - No.

BOTH: Hank.

Then we will hunt this bat!

And we will kill The Bat!

And when we have done this,

we are coming back for them!

ALL: Yeah!

[indistinct shouting]

MAN: He was so fast.

Maybe even faster than you, Karl.

I heard he's invisible.

I heard he can walk through walls!

He's just a man.

[ Sniffs ] A boy-

[ sniffs ]

A boy with a tummyache.

Aah!

[indistinct shouting]

Ah! Damn it!

[deep voice] Have no fear, General.

Huh?

The mission is in my hands now.

- Who the hell is this now? - A friend.

Huh? ls that the Venture boy?

You look affright, son.

You need to have yourself a lie-down.

[ growls ]

Go.

Thank you, Venturestein.

Batman!

BOTH: Hank!

Hank's gone. Call me... The Bat.

I'll call you a cab. I think you've had one too many.

Ah, leave me. Save yourselves.

Oh, stop with the drama. You're not hurt that bad.

No, really. Leave me. I want to stay.

All right, what'd you drink? You're talking as crazy as Hank now.

Crazy is spending your whole life

trying to be something you're not.

I'm a freak, Doc. A-A monster.

I can't hack it in the straight world.

I-I want to spend my autumn years

in a place where I'll be accepted,

with a vaguely paramilitary vibe

and absolutely no children whatsoever.

KARL: There they are! Slaughter them!

Let's get the fuck out of here!

To the Hankmobile!

[ Gunfire, indistinct shouting]

[engine sputters]

Head for the beach.

[ Beeping ]

All right, now what?

Tell me you've got a Hank-boat.

Wait for it!

In 5... 4...

3...

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

The jungle's no place for a jPad.

They get wet, the warranty is voided -- awful.

[sighs] I got nothing left, Pop.

I'm getting drowsy. Whoo.

Shouldn't have had that big crab dinner

before the mission.

No, look, l-l'm not like the other scientists, okay?

You wanna know what Venturestein was doing before this?

He was dead!

And before that, he was a henchman

for some prick in a butterfly costume.

Two, actually.

I saved him! I gave him life!

[all whimpering]

[ Beeping excitedly]

H.E.L.P.Er.! Thank heaven!

Kill these guys!

[ Gun cocks ] Wait! Look!

On the horizon!

VENTURESTEIN: You see, comrades?

Is glorious new dawn Venturestein promise.

Abomi-nation all come -- by sea and by air!

Excuse me! Pardon-a me!

That man you're holding

is a citizen of the United States!

I am Congresswoman Marsha Backwood,

and I am here to negotiate h--

Oh, did somebody lose an iPad?

[ All scream ]

Yeah, I can fix this.

[ Up-tempo music plays]

And fresh from her recent fact-finding mission,

here to give us her unique perspective

on this Puerto Bahia situation

is Congresswoman Marsha Backwood.

[applause]

Thank you, Mr. Secretary-General.

I here today tell all --

Abomi-nation proud, hearty people.

Boys? Come on down. It's on.

DOC: Dean?

Hank?

[upbeat music plays]

BOTH: ♫ Ooooh ♫

Hold on, stop! Stop! Stop!

What the "F"?

H.E.L.P.Er. sounds like crap now.

I know, right? Man, friggin' Dean.