Original subtitles

[ Subbed by BARFNUTS ]

[ Sniffs ]

Oh, you big perv!

Please tell me you didn't wake me up at the crack of dawn

to watch you sniff your ex's panties.

Not in the mood, man. Let's just do this.

I gotta know...

[neighs]

OUTRIDER: Whoa, Black Lightning! Steady, girl!

Thank you for the ride, Mr. Outrider, sir.

Dean?

What? What are you waiting for, a tip?

I thought maybe I should have a little chat with your father.

And I thought I told you to go fuck yourself!

Hank? How could you just leave me like that?!

I expect that kind of stuff from Dermott, but you?!

Henry Allen Venture! I am speaking to you!

[groans]

Morning, sleepyhead.

N-Nikki. Hi. What are you --

I was just watching you sleep.

[inhales] Mmm. You smell like gasoline.

It's so manly. - Nikki! Come on, now, Peaches.

We're gonna be late for our shift.

[gasps] What is he doin' here?

HATRED: You'll see.

It's gonna be a fresh, new start for us.

I'll give Doc my notice, get this "V" lasered off.

Eh, d-darn thing ain't workin'.

Eh, hang on a sec.

- Can I help you? - Yeah, who's this, now?

[gasps] My darling! You're safe!

Wandering off in the middle of our session!

I was up all night, sick with worry.

Thank you so much for bringing her home.

Eh, how much do I owe you?

DRIVER: That'll be, uh, $14.50, sir.

[silenced gunshot] Gah!

[ Horn honks ]

MRS. MONARCH: I'm gonna take a nice, hot bath

and climb straight into bed.

You go on ahead. I'm gonna wait down here.

Wait? Wait for what, sweetie?

Oh, ya know, #21 will be along any minute now.

Can't wait to see the look on his face.

Ugh. He's not coming back, hon. Remember? He quit.

Exactly what Venture will think!

God, he played it beautifully!

I almost believed him myself! - Honey...

Geez, I hope he brings the Monarch Mobile back.

Anyway, don't wait up for me. I'll be up soon.

A-A-A-A-ny minute now.

[guns cock] GATHERS: Who are you?

What the hell are you doing in that uniform?

Where the hell are Brock and Shore Leave?

And what the hell happened here last night?!

[ telephone ringing ]

[ groans ]

[ ringing stops ] JONAS: Rust?

Hey, big brother. It's J.J.

Just calling to check up on the progress

of those ray shields for Gargantua-2.

Uh... Yeah, yeah,

I've been, uh, meaning to call you about that.

Yeah, 'cause I'm looking at the schedge here,

and we're just a few months out from the opening,

but I haven't seen so much as a model yet,

much less a prototype.

[ Buzzing, tapping ] What's that?

Sorry -- can't hear you over all this shield manufacturing.

Yeah, we're in full production here.

No time to talk. I'll call you soon!

[ groans ]

Time for you to hit the road, babe.

Daddy's got work to do.

- [ Roars ] - Broooock!!

BROCK: Shiiii-i-i-t....

Looks like we ain't done yet.

[ air hisses ]

GARY: So, we're leaving? Just like that?

No, We're leaving just like that.

Ugh! Not a moment too soon!

Brown was never my color.

Now that Hunter's the new H.N.l.C. of the O.S.l.,

we're off the disavowed list.

We're un-disavowed! Uh, re-avowed?

Hey, doesn't that make me O.S.l., too?

Like, don't I get like, grandfathered in?

Sorry, man. It doesn't work like that.

But I thought we were a team.

I quit my job and everything. What am I supposed to do now?

I don't know -- file for unemployment?

Hey! What -- what about S.P.H.l.N.X.?

It's all yours, man. Rent's paid up 'til the end of the year,

so, uh... have fun.

DOC: Gentlemen, I give you...

Gargantua-2!

The largest, most advanced space station

mankind has ever seen.

But space is a cluttered, untidy place.

Not unlike, say, the utility drawer

of the average American kitchen.

Asteroids, meteors, space junk --

these are but a few of the many perils

that await Gargantua-2 in the cold vastness of space.

To say nothing of cosmic rays--

- Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-- - Thank you, Hank.

Which is why Venture Industries has been

subcontracted to design and build

an electromagnetic plasma-ray shield

to protect Gargantua-Z.

Like so.

- Ow! - Hank!

[ Clears throat ]

The real one will cover the whole thing, of course.

Well, a project of this scale is gonna take years.

- We have three months. - I-Impossible!

Not if we all pitch in and work together.

Where's Dean?

Ahh. Hah.

Whoa! Dean with the new look!

Good morning, son.

We were just going over the plans for the new --

Was that a can of gasoline?

[ Match strikes ]

DOC: What is this, your pyromania phase?

'Cause that Outrider guy keeps calling.

- Mind your own business. - Excuse me?

The motto on the first penny issued

by the Continental Congress in 1787,

designed by Benjamin Franklin.

Okay. Interesting fun fact.

So, what's with all the black?

"Black -- lacking in hue and brightness, achromatic.

It neither emits nor reflects light

in any part of the visible spectrum

and absorbs all such frequencies of light."

All right, you're scaring me now.

I've been listening to this stupid learning bed

my whole life, and you know what?

I haven't learned shit!

I could tell you how many taste buds are on the human tongue,

but I've never even French-kissed a girl!

Well, no wonder, with that mouth.

Since when did you take up cussing?

I'm sick of living my life in a box!

I don't wanna be a scientist or a boy adventurer

or even a Venture brother anymore!

I wanna be my own man.

Okay, son, take it easy.

I'll tell you what -- you help daddy with his new project,

and you can have the attic.

HANK: Aw, sweet! If Dean's pulling a Greg Brady,

then ipso facto, I am gettin' my own Hank cave!

[ Roars ]

[ gun cocks ]

BILLY: Not that this hasn't been a gas and all,

but Conjectural Technology doesn't work pro bono.

I thought your brother was funding this thing.

He is. We don't get paid 'til we deliver.

Didn't he give you an advance or nothing?

Oh! [scoffs] Blew through that, like, a year ago.

But trust me -- this guy's good for some start-up cash.

Bit of a pill, honestly, but he's my best customer.

Ah. Here he comes.

WHITE: ls it... Bruce Wayne?

Oh, god. No. Not him. It can't be.

No, Billy, I was kidding. What's the matter with you?

I sense something -- a presence I haven't felt since...

Well, hello again, Mr. St. --

St. Clo-o-o-o-ud!

Uh... t-this is my colleague, Billy --

Billy Quizboy.

I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.

Ah. No need for introductions, then.

I was under the impression this was to be

a private viewing, Dr. Venture.

You assured me there'd be no other collectors.

Oh, I was just leaving, St. Cloud.

White, fetch the Conjectu-Cycle.

"Fetch"? What am I, your servant?

- Just do it! - Well!

I've got a lot of exciting items to show you.

So, shall we away to the hangar?

DEAN: No, this has nothing to do with Triana.

Black is how I feel, so black is what I wear.

And dye your hair with and paint your room with.

Look, take it from a fella who just got dumped himself, Dean.

There are other fish in the sea --

a whole school of 'em.

Literally a school!

Though, not literally fish, of course.

God, this looks interesting.

Are you guys with the space program?

Oh, it's not NASA or anything.

It's like for a personal space station, I think.

So your dad is like the farmer astronaut?

Eh, no, not really.

I mean, he's like -- is there a movie

where a guy tries to scam money off his brother

that used to be a parasitic tumor'?

[ Chuckles ] Are you gonna be there?

- Ugh! - Sorry, brah. Little help?

'Sup, Thalia? - Martin!

Your frisbee golf just became violent.

You, like, knocked down a person.

Are you okay?

Um... you have a little bit of --

Huh? Oh. Yeah. I'm... growing a goatee.

DOC: You have been chosen

because you are the best students

in the physics department at your university.

You are the best of the best.

I'm majoring in sports medicine!

Okay, you've been chosen because I accepted every application.

But you should still consider yourselves lucky,

because you are the instruments of my brilliance!

You are the Palaemon project.

We're not making a ray shield for Gargantua-2 --

we're making history! [feedback]

You guys should've cheered there.

- You're losin' 'em, Doc. - This crowd is impossible to read.

Let me show you how it's done.

All right, listen up!

Dr. Venture has many enemies!

There are dangerous men out there who are ready

to torture and disembowel you for your knowledge of this project!

Unacceptable!

So, for your safety, you'll all be bivouacking here

at the compound for the duration.

And we got the E-Den all set up for that.

[crowd groaning] Hey, hey, hey, hey, people!

This is for your protection!

Ooh, you just wowed them.

They hate safety. Don't blame me.

All right, those of you in white cleansuits

are development class.

Those in orange are manufacturing class.

And all of you in green -- you're in special class.

[ Laughter] - BOY: Short bus class!

There's nothing funny about special class.

They are my personal helpers.

And that makes them better than the rest of you.

Yeah, I'd just like to chime in here

to say that all classes, colors, and creeds

are special at Hank-Co.

Think of Hank-Co as not just me, Hank-Co,

but as your company store.

We have magazines, both dirty and clean,

clothing -- clean only --

and, of course, all your foodstuff needs.

Thank you! - All right, all right.

We've got a lot of work ahead of us, Palae-men, and Palae-women.

We deliver in just 80 short days,

so without further ado, I give you...

The Palaemon Project!

[ whirring ]

[ Electricity crackling ]

DOC: A-A-A-All right, then.

[tools whirring ] DOC: All right! Lookin' good!

Well, I know we've had a bit of a rough start,

but we're coming back strong! Right, Palaemon?

So, what have we got here?

Looks like a big, pink rectangle.

Pretty sure I asked for a sphere, people.

The final shield will be spherical, as ordered, sir.

This is just a proof of concept. - All right, then.

Let's go ahead and prove that concept, shall we?

You -- go stand behind it. Tommy! Bring 'er in.

You sure about these figures?

Triple-checked them myself, sir.

[ light applause ] Not bad. Not bad.

Little souvenir for you, Tommy.

'Course, the universe won't be lobbing meatballs

at Gargantua-2.

No, sir, she plays hardball.

And she pitches overhand.

[ loud whirring ]

Aah!

Your figures are bad. They're bad figures.

Well, maybe if you got us some decent computers.

Where'd you find these antiques, The Mayflower?

All right, smart aleck, you just bought yourself a time-out.

Go sit in the Faraday cage and think about what you've done.

10 minutes. I'm timing you.

[ watch beeps, clicking ]

Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Would you look at the time.

That's, uh, enough for today.

Come along, Tommy! Step lively, now.

[ Horns blare ]

[ Branch cracks ]

Thought you could sneak up on me, huh?

I'm not sneaking.

I'm patrolling the S.P.H.l.N.X. Perimeter.

I'm on foot because I can't get the big S.P.H.l.N.X. to work.

Patrol your way back to your little clubhouse, Tubs.

This here's top-secret stuff.

"Tubs"? Look who's talking!

Your man boobs have man boobs.

Hey, just 'cause it's harder to keep the weight off at my age

doesn't mean I can't still take some little punk of The Monarch's

any day of the week!

I told you -- I don't work for The Monarch anymore!

I quit! You were there when I quit!

Name the day, punk!

MONARCH: Where are you, blood of my blood?

Come to King's Landing

and take your rightful seat on my iron throne.

- Go for it. - W-Why the fuck are you Rocky?

Y-You said you were gonna be Drago.

Drogo! Khal Drogo!

You're supposed to be my Khaleesi!

Wait -- did you think I meant Ivan Drago?

- Well, obviously. - Why would I --

What the hell is sexy about that?

Well, what the hell is a "Khal Drogo"?

Not a what -- a who! From "Game of Thrones"!

Well, I have never seen that stupid thing.

It is not stupid! It's spectacular! And yes, you have.

We used to watch it together every week!

No. Honey, you used to watch that with #21.

You're a bum, Rock!

Not now, Tim-Tom!

[sighs ] Forget it. It's ruined now.

Oh, baby, I know you miss him, but --

How dare you! "Miss him"!

I don't miss henchmen. I'm The Monarch.

Okay, okay! Touchy subject. I'm sorry.

And he will too be back!

Just as soon as he's finished his double-undercover

surveillance sabbatical at the Venture compound!

Oh, honey, it's been over a month.

He's biding his time!

Okay, okay! Let's -- let's not talk about it.

Now, where were we?

- I pity the fool who -- - No! Leave us, imp!

Careful, Tommy.

They call them "clean suits," but they're a bitch to launder.

[ Chuckles, slurps ]

Tommy, this is delicious.

Not too much grenadine, sir?

[scoffs ] Can you ever have too much grenadine?

Sir, the updates on the Palaemon ray for your perusal.

Thank you, Thomas. I'll have the new work orders

for manufacturing in the morning.

Very good, sir.

- Oh, and, Thomas? - Sir?

Could you tell Torn, Little Tommy, and Tom-Tom

that I'll be turning in early?

They can finish cleaning the kitchen tomorrow.

Of course, sir. [horn blares]

Green class! We must go to the E-Den.

It is time.

Sir, may I stay here tonight?

The E-Den -- it's an oh-so-frightful place.

The Palaemon workers -- they treat us with disdain.

Oh, they're just jealous that you get to work

so close to the great Dr. Venture.

You just tell them that they're almost as important as you.

Now, run along.

[ horn blares ]

[in distance] HATRED: No! I banish thee!

Begone, specter of my iniquities!

I repent!

I have amended my ways, spirit!

Begone! - What are you yelling about?

I'm being haunted by the phantoms of my past!

You probably can't see him, for he haunts me alone!

I have sinned!

Take it down, Scrooge. He's not a ghost.

He's an intern. And he's out of phase.

Is he okay?

Can you hear me?

[ screaming echoes ]

All right, good enough.

Is the ionic phase attenuator complete?

[echoing ] Kill... me!

Not until we ship.

Now I don't even know who I am.

I can't even tell my brother. He'd be devastated.

It's like I'm different from everyone else,

and I'm just completely alone.

Anyway, I'm sorry to go on like this.

How was your Halloween? - It's okay, Dean.

You know, we all feel like that sometimes.

I feel that way all the time, and I'm perfectly normal.

Well, I was perfectly normal.

Oh, no!

Only green class has house privileges, white class.

Dean, what did I tell you about fraternizing with the help?

Thalia, show him your problem.

Okay, I'm gonna show you.

This seems like it's gonna be sexual. It's not.

Uh, this is it. But that's not it.

There's another one on the other side.

So, that's what's going on with me.

I saw a guy on The Learning Channel with that.

I even had something like that myself.

So, uh, do they itch or something?

Do you need a balm or a liniment?

Perhaps a salve? - Okay, no.

See, I just grew these. I didn't have these yesterday.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Okay, well, I'll look into that.

In the meanwhile, I want you on construction.

Put those new hands to some use, huh?

Let's make some lemonade with these lemons.

I'll see you 'round.

Oh-ho-ho, I don't think so, Dean.

ST. CLOUD: Tempered glass --

as indestructible as the hardest steel.

I had it moved here from an Apple Store in Madrid.

Steve was a friend.

Oh, well. That's the tour.

Come -- let us retire to my sunken lounge,

as seen in the 1983 cult classic "Highlander",

and discuss business.

Yes. "Let us".

Now, normally, there's a 90-day waiting period,

but in light of your, uh, generous donation

to the Guild Widows and Orphans Fund,

we've decided to just go ahead and activate your membership.

And this helpful orientation kit

will bring you right up to speed on how we do things.

The handsome tote is yours to keep -— as our gift to you.

And here is your temporary Guild l.D.

We'll issue your permanent one

once you've decided on a villain name.

"Augustus St. Cloud."

Ah! Going with the real name, then.

Very Lex Luthor of you. - St. Cloud.

So, what are you, like a weather guy?

What are your powers?

I have an inordinate amount of money.

All right, well, let's talk arches.

We've got a number of candidates we think would be just --

I will only arch Master Billy Quizboy.

Ah. See, new members don't get to pick their own arch

in the first year, so --

Oh, yeah, it's -- it's all covered in the handbook.

Gentlemen, I've only deigned to join your organization

for one reason and one reason only --

to make my decades-old rivalry with the Quizboy official.

A long time ago, he stole something from me, you see --

something quite valuable.

And I'm determined to use my considerable means

to make him suffer for it, no matter what the cost.

Wow! Well, you've certainly got the villain patter down.

Right. Look -- goose bumps.

Unfortunately, rules are rules, and --

Oh, boo. What do we have here?

Did one of you... drop this?

TOGETHER: Welcome to the Guild of Calamitous Intent!

[ Hammering, tools whirring]

[ humming ]

Um, excuse me.

I'm not sure you know who I am. I'm the boss.

Nah, nah. This one may pass.

[ Loud clanking ]

- Close the doors! - All right, all right! Relax!

[scoffs ] What's going on around here?

If those doors weren't 4 inches of lead,

I wouldn't even be here.

The whole place is like a fucking incubator

for genetic mutations.

How bad is it?

Oh, just really bad.

All the guys in white have a second set of functioning arms

and severe brain mutations.

I gave them an E.E.G., and it's off the charts.

And that means...?

Your interns are capable of telekinesis!

And they're processing information like Einstein-fast!

So that'll help them at least finish the project on time, right?

My god, you're not getting this!

The guys in orange have developed a fucking carapace!

It's like a bunch of Ben Grimms.

I couldn't even get a needle in 'em to get a blood sample!

[sighs] What about the green class?

- What green class? - The people in the green cleansuits.

There are no green clean suits.

Hey, uh... you don't think these are gonna

turn into a pair of extra arms, too, do ya?

[ horn blares ]

MONARCH: #21.

Psst! #21!

There's no one here by that name.

I hear ya -- incognito, as am I.

Where'd you get that clean suit?

I killed one of the Venture brothers!

Yeah, that was, uh, probably a Palaemon intern.

Damn it!

So, what are you, the Venture gardener now?

No! I'm S.P.H.I.N.X. Commander!

Excellent! A position of authority.

He's beginning to trust you.

So, what's Venture working on over there, eh?

Looks like something big. - I can't be seen with you.

I got a good thing going on here. You're gonna ruin this for me.

Come on. Just give me a hint.

What are these "Palae-men"? Super-soldiers?

I don't work for you anymore!

HATRED: [in distance] I see ya skulkin' around

over there, Monarch!

Next one's going straight in your little bindi! Now beat it!

All right! I was just leaving!

#21! Quick question --

who is the rightful heir to the Iron throne?

Daenerys Targaryen. Duh. Why?

No reason, my main henchman.

I mean... S.P.H.l.N.X. Commander.

[ Chuckles ]

That'll be 45 Hankbucks, please.

Can't get enough of these cleansuits, huh?

Our most popular item.

Do they come any larger?

Hm. That's the biggest we carry.

Perhaps you'd like to take advantage

of our in-house tailoring service --

for a more bespoke clean suit experience.

Hey, uh, can I interest the big hardworkin' man

in some snacks?

Griddle's nice and hot.

No griddle snacks. We eat only student green.

Well, our -- our menu's always changing,

so check back again later.

We will.

Why isn't student green on the menu?

Ah, these kids are just fussy.

They're vegetarian this week.

Next week, they're gonna want gluten-free.

Whatever. If the cafe business doesn't pick up soon,

I'm gonna have to think about letting you go.

- Wha-- gaah! - DERMOTT: It's the economy, man.

People just aren't eating out like they used to.

[ Whimpers ]

Hey, houseboy, where are you going?

I bring the doctor the updated schedule

for the Palaemon Project.

Running errand for master?

Like a good little Tom?

Yes, like a good -- I-I should really get these --

How 'bout a little kiss, boy?

- No... no... - [ chomps]

- Aaah! -[gasps]

[ screaming ]

Oh... god!

It's people!

Student green is made out of people!

We gotta stop 'em somehow!

I gotta tell Doc!

It's people!

Student green is made out of people!

[ telephone ringing ]

[groans] Venture... Industry.

Hey, Rust! It's double J!

How's the ray shield shaping up?

It's 3:00 A.M.!

JONAS: Time? In space, it's always the same time --

time to get 'er done!

So, says here on the schedge that you deliver Friday.

Friday?

Uh, I need a bit more time to --

I can't deliver that kind of hot news untested.

[ Chuckles] Good one!

Test super-magnetized ion plasma down there?

You'd be knee-deep in spontaneous genetic mutations.

Yeah, I-I wouldn't test the ray here.

Yeah, the last super-science maverick to try that trick

is now billed as Palo, the human beetle.

But, hey, at least he's in showbiz.

Am I right? [ laughs ]

[laughs] No, no. You're... right.

So, uh, see you in two days?

I'll see you tomorrow!

Tomorrow?! You said Friday. It's Wednesday.

It's Thursday morning. Get some sleep, Rust.

I'll see you in 27 hours.

[ click, dial tone ]

Shit!

Hatred! Stop lollygagging and get up here!

I need the ray shield now!

Hatred! Come in! Hatred!

He still hasn't figured it out yet, has he?

Eh, Doc isn't the quickest sprinter in the race.

I'm just hoping he cares enough about that ray shield

to rescue us for it.

I mean, if there even is a ray shield.

The ray shield was completed long ago.

You know that Martin plans on using it

to turn all of humanity into a child of Palaemon?

The guy's gone insane!

But there's a story among our people

that there will come a savior -- the Lee-Hun-Took.

He, and only he, will lead the children of Palaemon to peace.

Ah, you guys move fast.

What, you been here three months,

and you already got legends of saviors?

You're talking about a bunch of geeks from State University.

You mutate that kind of outcast,

and it gets all "Syfy Channel Original Feature" real quick.

You! House Tom!

It your time.

No! No! Sergeant, it has been an honor!

Ah, not Tommy! No!

Don't cry for me! Tell my story!

It's a madhouse!

A madhouse!

He doesn't listen to me.

I have no impact on anything my dad does.

Well, something has to be done,

and soon, because Martin wants to, like,

rule the world -- like, literally rule the world --

and make everyone like this.

What do you expect me to do about it? Beat him up'?

That's kind of what I'm leaning towards,

because there's no one else.

All the Toms have been eaten, and the others are blind followers.

[thinking ] Just come be with me in E-Den

and challenge Martin for leadership.

How did you do that?! You talked to my brain!

You can do it, too.

Just try and think your words into my brain.

[thinking ] She's gonna kiss me.

I used to want to kiss the girl gremlin with the lipstick.

Thalia's taller and has boobies.

No. [chuckling] Okay.

Just concentrate. Concentrate.

Triana had boobs. I wonder if all boobs are soft.

Or are some super-extra-soft?

Dean, what you're not doing is concentrating.

You cannot let your mind wander.

Do I just touch them, or should I ask?

I really hope they haven't gotten all mutated.

But what if they drip acid now?

All right. Never mind. Let's just talk regular.

MONARCH: Yes, they had four arms!

Like that blue hindu sculpture

at the place with the chicken dish you like!

And the others, the orange ones,

they were as big as André Giants!

I'm telling you, Venture has created a race of supermen!

Yeah, the DNA in this jumpsuit is really f'd up.

I'm reading trace amounts of super-magnetized ions.

Definitely more advanced

than anything I've seen from Venture before.

I knew it! He's stepping up his game.

We must match his game with...

much more game!

[sighs] Sweetie, can this wait 'til morning?

My voice gets all raspy if I don't get enough sleep.

Wow. Really? Yeah, that's... uh...

Well, what do you want me to do with all this?

Use your science stuff to make our henchmen

into a race of super-er men!

Ugh! You gonna get all bossy now?

Well, I -- yeah?

I-I mean, I am kind of your boss, right?

[ wind whistling ]

This is the crack team I told you to assemble?

It's 6:00 in the morning, and I don't have

Jason Statham's phone number!

This is the best I could do! What is that?

They chained the doors and left this ransom note --

"94 Theses."

Dude, it must really reek in there.

"Theses," not "feces."

It's a list of challenges, patterned on the one

posted by Martin Luther, an Augustinian monk who, in 15--

- T.M.l., little guy. - ...1597.

This is nuts. Like, half of it is written in Klingon.

And the rest is Sindarin.

Actually, that's Quenya -- high-Elven,

very similar to Sindarin.

Yeah, I left my English-to-Geek dictionary in my room.

BOTH: "Lord of the Rings"!

What do they want -- higher pay?

They want, and I quote,

"the sun to rise on the children of Palaemon

with rays of global dominion."

That's not happening. Let's cut these and get my ray shield.

Rust, that facility is a fully contaminated

mutant incubator!

We can't go in there unless we decon.

And that's not gonna be easy.

Well, my brother is gonna be here in... 24 hours!

All my houseboys and Hatred have disappeared,

and I'm left with the B-team!

B-team?! All right, listen up!

As new S.P.H.l.N.X. Commander, I'm taking over this mission!

Blondie, Shorty, get to work on decontamination.

Lurch and Boy-Band, report anything strange back to me.

- Check! - Hey, cool.

Papa V., you find a way to reverse the mutations.

I'm gonna work on deciphering this list of demands.

We have 24 hours to deliver a ray shield, people!

Let's bring this baby home!

[ whip cracks ] HATRED: Aah!

[ whip cracks ] - Gahh!

What is your name, Outlander?

Eat me!

Hey, don't tempt me, delicious!

- Yoww! - What is your name?

Hatred! I'm Sergeant Hatred!

That is your slave name! What is your name?

Yaaagh! My name is Sergeant Hatred!

That is not what it says on your driver's license, dude!

Your masters have stripped you of your blue robes.

Your body is changing, just as ours.

Join us, or we're gonna straight-up eat you, son!

No lies!

- [groans] - THALIA: Hey! Martin!

I-I changed my mind, I want to go.

Thalia! What have you done?!

This is Dean, of the Venture clan.

He has come for challenge.

Yo, did you not read the rules I wrote?

He's an outsider. It's forbidden.

Outsider?! You're the outsider.

Before you guys made this into E-Wok village or whatever,

it was just a part of my yard.

[thinking] Hey, bro. Can you speak in silent tongue?

If he punches me, I might poop myself a little.

I can feel some poop coming.

Oh, don't do that. He's really bad at that.

Yeah, no kiddin'.

Well, if he won't accept the challenge and pusses out,

then I guess I should just go.

Puss out?! No, no. I accept challenge.

And, as my Cha-nira, I'm goin' with my main man, Matt!

You must choose now.

Um... as my...

whatever he just said, I choose...

him.

- [gasps] Courtney. - Courtney?

Yeah, my grandmother was --

You tell anyone it's Courtney, and I will kill you.

What, are you sleeping? Tell me you're not sleeping!

While we've been up working on your decontamination problem!

I-I-I was resting my eyes.

What are you, my dad?

Did you get all tuckered out watching "Matlock"?

Yeah, Grandpa. Had too much Chinese buffet

and drifted off watching "Murder, She Wrote"?

Yeah, he's got to watch his "Jessica."

Hilarious. Did you solve the decontamination problem or what?

We're Conjectural Technologies! Piece o' cake!

Oh, yeah, the device is all built and ready.

We just got to borrow your old plasma engine to power it up.

Yeah... I... kind of sold it to St. Cloud.

What, are you fucking kidding me?!

The engine from the floating platform in episode 204,

"The Disappearing Rocketboy Mystery"?

- Kinda. - How could you?!

St. Cloud is my archenemy!

Like, legally my archenemy!

Yeah, well, welcome to the good-guy team.

Oh, smooth, Rust. Now we got to go get it back.

Can't wait.

Tell me you at least solved the mutation problem.

I've been running simulations.

All of them have ended in their death.

That's Oregon Trail you're playing!

Did you do the rest of your tests in Free Cell?!

I-I-I'm doing the best I can!

Palo Salazar is dead!

If Palo Salazar couldn't solve it, what are my chances?

Who's Palo Salazar?

MRS. MONARCH: He was once the world's foremost authority

on genetic mutations.

And then after being belted

by super-magnetized ions and plasma...

Now he's wrecking the town with the power of a bull?

Ain't no monster clown who is as loveable?

Close.

He becomes a circus freak known as Palo, The Human Beetle.

Then he disappears -- presumed dead.

- But the story doesn't end there. - No, it doesn't.

Around that time, a beetle-themed supervillain

called Bugaboo appears out of nowhere.

And does he rob banks? No.

He steals lithium, nanophosphates,

and a whole list of crazy things.

And that list of crazy things is in Guild records?

Nope. It's right... there.

Oh, I'm so turned on. Let me do you here on the desk!

Sweetie, I have to finish my work on these mutations.

Finish me!

I'm all revved up from that "Hart to Hart"-style repartee

we had there.

Come on! Just a handy?

MAN: An army of uniformed henchmen

is ready to obey your every order.

What could possibly go wrong?

Learn to recognize the telltale warning signs

of a blunderer.

This henchman looks all right.

But look closer.

His safety is still on. His tunic is untucked.

And his boot is untied.

What's with all this blundering?

Duh, hi, Doctor-Z!

Well, if it isn't Mr. Blunder, the --

Dur... I tried my hardest.

And that's what a Mr. Blunder will say.

But you must be firm with a blunderer.

You have blundered... for the last time!

[ Clatter] Pei?

Did we hear a little boomski downstairs?

- Hnh? - Will you be careful?!

The guy has knickknacks everywhere!

That knickknack is the staff of Ra.

Well, he put it at head level!

It's too high.

He should've taken back one Kadam to honor the Hebrew God.

BOTH: They're digging in the wrong place!

[sniffs] Oh, Billy!

What, did you crap yourself? In excitement, maybe?

No. I was gonna ask you. It smells like death in here.

[ rustling ]

BOTH: Aaah--

[ muffled screaming ]

Drop. Slagathor, drop.

Don't eat daddy's new archenemies

until he's had his fun.

GARY: Boy-Band. Come in, Boy-Band.

What's your 20? - You're 20?

- I thought you were #21. - He's using police code, dingus!

We're hiding, holding baseball bats.

Pretty sure the big orange guys are eating everybody.

They're like a bunch of Floridians all jacked up on bath salts.

All right, whatever. I'm assembling the team for action.

Do you need extraction from your position?

No, we can just run across the yard, screaming.

Pretty sure I'm scared enough to piss myself,

and nobody wants to eat a kid all soaked in pee.

Papa V., do you have the antidote?

Kinda busy now.

Oh, uh... it's cool. You know, we all do it.

We all soak our bunions?

Oh. I thought you were having a push.

A "push"? That's disgusting!

Where'd you even get that from?

I don't remember where I got that, but whatever.

How's the antidote going? - I whipped up a little cocktail

of metyrapone, flunitrazepam, baby aspirin,

antibiotics, and some other goodies.

It should... do something. - Sweet.

All right, get into position for antidote application.

Over and out.

Blondie, Shorty, come in.

I don't even want to know why you're on the other line.

So just listen. I'm inside.

Dean's with me, but he's not exactly safe,

so if you are planning a rescue, now's the time!

Great. Blondie, Shorty! Come in!

WHITE: Ugh! That was foul! What was that?

Slagathor is a corpse/flower hybrid.

He is a cutting from the man-eating plant

in the 1956 B-movie "Voodoo lsland,"

starring Mr. Boris Karloff.

With "Batman's" Adam West, and it was 1957.

So, uh, who's your muscle?

Oh, that's Pei Wie.

He's a rare Asian albino.

Much more collectible than your domestic albino.

Big whoop. I have better hair.

- So, you come for an arching? - Not tonight.

We just want the floating platform you bought from Venture.

Of course. Let me just get that for you.

Really? [ chuckles ] Awesome.

- Thanks, guy. - It will only cost Billy one dollar.

Yes, the same amount Billy sniped me

in our recent eBay joust.

Oh, my God. Will you get over that?!

I won the Rusty Mego doll fair and square.

Sure you did, Quizboy.

Just like you "won" a certain fixed game show

when we were both 15.

Just 100 pennies.

Eat them, and the plasma engine is yours.

- I'm not gonna eat pennies! - Billy, eat the pennies.

It's -- it's just pennies. So you poop pennies -- big deal!

All right. I'll sweeten the pot.

- [ Beeps ] - BILLY: A H.E.L.P.Er. Model?

It's the real H.E.L.P.Er., thank you.

I recently purchased him from Dr. Venture.

Aw, he sold H.E.L.P.Er., too? That is just cold.

Eat the pennies, and he's yours, as well.

- Just eat the pennies. - Eat the pennies, Quizboy.

- Eat the pennies. - I won't eat pennies!

Listen to your sidekick and eat the pennies.

I am not a sidekick-- Billy, eat the damn pennies already!

- Eat the pennies. - No, I'm not gonna eat the pennies!

Listen, let's do this old-school.

- Go on. - Trivia -- one question.

Winner takes all.

You get H.E.L.P.Er., the floating platform, and I get...?

- Name it. - I want your albino.

I'm collecting them now.

- Fine. Take the albino. - What?! No!

White, you gotta trust me here.

I can geek-trivia circles around him.

I'm the Quizboy.

Then we'll do this properly.

Step into the octagon, Quizboy.

[ clanking ]

It took me years and a small fortune to reassemble,

but it's worth every delicious penny.

THALIA: Children of Palaemon!

You are assembled to witness

and abide the outcome of this challenge

for Lee-Hun-Took,

promised leader of these lands.

All right, now, remember, his lower set of arms

are still new and vulnerable,

and that makes his upper body really clumsy.

[ exhales sharply ] I'm ready.

All right! You can do this, champ!

As challenger, Dean may choose his combat.

Let it be the scilla-mu-tura,

the blade that shines like the moon!

I dominate that! - I choose...

The way of the Indian!

Say what?

[ People chanting ]

[ inhaling sharply ] Aaah! I yield! I submit! Aah!

Winner of the Indian sunburn -- Dean!

[ crowd cheers ]

[ whistles ]

Winner of the Indian feast -- it's Dean!

[ crowd cheers ]

DEAN: [yelling]

[ Both grunting ]

Come on! Snap it! Just snap your leg!

Momentum! Come on! You can do it!

Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Winner of the Indian leg wrestling -- Dean!

He is the Lee-Hun-Took!

It is the dawn of The Second Age, you guys!

WHITE: Ladies and gentlemen!

Welcome to a special edition of Quizboys!

[ theme music plays ]

Once the lazy trust-fund heir to the world's largest plastics company,

now the worst-dressed supervillain --

please welcome Augustus St. Cloud!

And our returning champion,

the undefeated master of the game

and super-scientist nemesis to St. Cloud,

Billy "Quizboy" Whalen!

One question, agreed upon by both contestants.

The question is...

how many robots are in this cabinet?

[ buzzer ]

The answer...

is five.

Wrong! There's four, St. Cloud.

Nomad -- one.

H.E.L.P.Er. -- two.

The Walking Eye that is part of h.E.L.P.Er. -- three.

Twiki -- four.

And around his neck is Dr. Theopolis -- five!

Oh! Did you miss that? I'm so sorry.

Not so fast, St. Cloud! Nomad isn't a robot.

It's a deep-space probe.

Nomad, a probe, merged with Tan Ru, an alien probe.

Two probes don't make a robot.

They call him a robot.

"Star Trek: T.O.S.,"

Episode 3, Season 2, "The Changeling"!

Nomad was referred to as a thinking machine,

vessel, device, mechanism, and p-robe!

You're flawed, St. Cloud! You must sterilize!

Sterilize! - You win this time...

but mark my words, and mark them well --

I will get you, Quizboy!

Okay, I'm under the E-den.

I've hooked up the antidote pump to the air-conditioning.

I'll release it at 4:30 A.M. Right?

Uh, slight problem -- Hatred and Dean are in there.

And I deciphered the 94 Theses.

It's kind of a Bible,

complete with a nutty apocalypse called The Second Age,

and that's basically using your ray shield

to turn the world into mutants.

- So you're saying... - Exactly!

Dean and Hatred and the whole world are in danger!

What?! No, you're saying they finished my ray shield!

Best news I've heard all day!

Don't take this as an insult, but working

for you and The Monarch -- it's like the same thing.

MONARCH: Slow and steady, my minions!

We crawl into the Venture compound undetected!

Is my army of mutant henchmen ready?

Uh, d-don't worry about it, sweetie. It's under control.

And I've already sent in an advance team

to secure the hatch. - Excellent!

Then we drop in our mutant henchmen,

as if taking an evil, mighty push!

That is so foul!

Can you say "movement" instead of "push"?

Okay, movement.

I don't even know why I say push.

It's really gross when you think about it.

Push...

WHITE: Oh, I could get used to this super-scientist thing.

BILLY: Right? We just vanquished our archenemy!

We are awesome!

We should totally keep this thing.

It would make a killer Conjectu-car!

And we won h.E.L.P.Er. fair and square,

so really, he kinda belongs to us, too, right?

No way! You don't even play with Robe-Bo anymore!

No more androids! Get a cat or something!

This is S.P.H.l.N.X. Commander. What is your E.T.A.?

We're almost there.

We can have full decontamination in...

three hours.

You got 1 1/2 before we deliver.

Can it be done?

No problem! We're super-scientists!

And we are living the dream!

High fi-

[ alarm beeping ]

Oh, you're kidding me!

[ beeping continues ]

Approaching Venture compound.

Signal installed operatives to begin insertion protocol!

Roger that. Getting into position.

[crowd singing]

J” Lee-Hun-Took! J“

J” Loo ree nah arda! J”

J” Ooh ray ah nore rnel neh! ♪

J" Pa-lae-mon! J"

So... it's over?

I'm king now, and I can let everyone out

of the dome in my backyard and get them help?

Dean, you're the Lee-Hun-Took now.

And you're gonna usher in The Second Age.

I'll be your queen.

We'll rule the world in peaceful, sustainable harmony.

We'll, like, make out and stuff.

Mm...

[ gasps ] I am Dean, the Lee-Hun-Took!

I am king of the world!

[ crowd cheers ]

[ panting ]

Hey! Guys, look!

WHITE: Fatty's signaling us. I think he wants us to come in.

Wha? White! Isn't that The Monarch's cocoon?

Super science!

Get me over the E-den!

I'll handle The Monarch!

Then get this thing to Palaemon for decon!

Aye, aye, commander!

Aah! Aaaaah!

Owww! This sucks!

Deploy the umbilical pipe!

Begin the... movement!

Um, sweetie? Look at the monitor.

Belay that order!

I knew you'd be there for me!

Dean and Hatred are in there!

Sweet! Thanks for the tip, #21!

Deploy my super-mutant henchman army!

See ya later... traitor.

J" Pa-lae-mon! J"

[ rumbling ]

[ crowd screaming ]

[ watch beeps ] 4:30.

Okay, kids, if this doesn't cure you,

you're at least gonna get toasty and remember nothing

but a massive craving for Doritos.

[ gas hissing ]

[ screaming continues ]

What is this shit? Where are my mutant warriors?!

MRS. MONARCH: Sweetie? I want you to meet Dr. Salazar.

He helped me with this.

Formerly Palo, The Human Beetle,

and now the world's foremost expert

on reversing genetic mutations.

Wh-- but... Mutant army...

Oh, come on.

Do you really want a cocoon full of four-armed freaks?

You don't fight fire with fire, sweetie.

You fight it with water.

So... I still win?

You still win.

[ alarm beeping ]

I'm getting a reading that massive amounts of narcotics

are coming up the umbilical into the cocoon!

[ gas hissing ]

BOTH: Retreat!

JONAS: I got to hand it to ya, Rust.

Didn't think you could pull it off.

Please. Went without a hitch.

You seem to forget who the original Venture son is.

Touché. Be careful!

That's a fragile piece of Venture ingenuity you're loading.

Tell me you decontaminated that thing.

Oh, yeah, it's fine.

You know what I can't believe

is that your antidote actually worked.

Right? It was basically antibiotics and roofies.

I guess even my wild guesses are flawless.

[ crowd groaning ]

THALIA: Martin...

I feel that something untoward has happened.

Wha-a-a-t was it?

HANK: Yeah, we just kinda hid in the house.

We totally did not want to get our faces eaten.

What happened in there? - I-I don't really remember.

I think I fought a guy to be the leader of the world.

And, like, the hottest chick there was my... queen.

Yeah, that happened. Dude, you are so baked.

Do I know that girl?

I feel like we made out or something.

Ooh! Check your watch.

That works for me sometimes.

[ coughs ]

[ groans ] Why are YOU here?!

Hey, why do you still have tits?

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

So, like, they're all normal guys now,

and Venture looks all retarded!

Yeah. Ant-- antidote butterflies.

They're anti-flies.

No, no -- butter-dates. They're butter-dates.

[ Chuckles ] That is so awesome.

You're, like, so awesome.

You are, like, my best friend.

Ooh! Wait!

Anti-doodle-bugs.