All language subtitles for S05E01 What Color is Your Cleansuit (1080p x265 10bit Joy)

[ Subbed by BARFNUTS ]

[ Sniffs ]

Oh, you big perv!

Please tell me you didn't
wake me up at the crack of dawn

to watch you sniff
your ex's panties.

Not in the mood, man.
Let's just do this.

I gotta know...

[neighs]

OUTRIDER:
Whoa, Black Lightning! Steady, girl!

Thank you for the ride,
Mr. Outrider, sir.

Dean?

What? What are you
waiting for, a tip?

I thought maybe I should have
a little chat with your father.

And I thought I told you to go
fuck yourself!

Hank? How could you just
leave me like that?!

I expect that kind of stuff
from Dermott, but you?!

Henry Allen Venture!
I am speaking to you!

[groans]

Morning, sleepyhead.

N-Nikki. Hi.
What are you --

I was just watching
you sleep.

[inhales] Mmm.
You smell like gasoline.

It's so manly.
- Nikki! Come on, now, Peaches.

We're gonna be late
for our shift.

[gasps]
What is he doin' here?

HATRED:
You'll see.

It's gonna be a fresh,
new start for us.

I'll give Doc my notice,
get this "V" lasered off.

Eh, d-darn thing
ain't workin'.

Eh, hang on a sec.

- Can I help you?
- Yeah, who's this, now?

[gasps]
My darling! You're safe!

Wandering off in the middle
of our session!

I was up all night, sick
with worry.

Thank you so much
for bringing her home.

Eh, how much do I owe you?

DRIVER:
That'll be, uh, $14.50, sir.

[silenced gunshot]
Gah!

[ Horn honks ]

MRS. MONARCH:
I'm gonna take a nice, hot bath

and climb straight
into bed.

You go on ahead.
I'm gonna wait down here.

Wait?
Wait for what, sweetie?

Oh, ya know, #21 will be along
any minute now.

Can't wait to see the look
on his face.

Ugh. He's not coming back, hon.
Remember? He quit.

Exactly what Venture
will think!

God, he played it
beautifully!

I almost believed him myself!
- Honey...

Geez, I hope he brings
the Monarch Mobile back.

Anyway, don't wait up for me.
I'll be up soon.

A-A-A-A-ny minute now.

[guns cock]
GATHERS: Who are you?

What the hell are you doing
in that uniform?

Where the hell are Brock
and Shore Leave?

And what the hell happened here
last night?!

[ telephone ringing ]

[ groans ]

[ ringing stops ]
JONAS: Rust?

Hey, big brother.
It's J.J.

Just calling to check up
on the progress

of those ray shields
for Gargantua-2.

Uh...
Yeah, yeah,

I've been, uh,
meaning to call you about that.

Yeah, 'cause I'm looking
at the schedge here,

and we're just a few months out
from the opening,

but I haven't seen
so much as a model yet,

much less a prototype.

[ Buzzing, tapping ]
What's that?

Sorry -- can't hear you over
all this shield manufacturing.

Yeah, we're in full
production here.

No time to talk.
I'll call you soon!

[ groans ]

Time for you to hit the road,
babe.

Daddy's got work to do.

- [ Roars ]
- Broooock!!

BROCK:
Shiiii-i-i-t....

Looks like we ain't done yet.

[ air hisses ]

GARY: So, we're leaving?
Just like that?

No, We're leaving
just like that.

Ugh!
Not a moment too soon!

Brown was never my color.

Now that Hunter's the new
H.N.l.C. of the O.S.l.,

we're off the disavowed list.

We're un-disavowed!
Uh, re-avowed?

Hey, doesn't that make me
O.S.l., too?

Like, don't I get like,
grandfathered in?

Sorry, man.
It doesn't work like that.

But I thought we were
a team.

I quit my job and everything.
What am I supposed to do now?

I don't know --
file for unemployment?

Hey!
What -- what about S.P.H.l.N.X.?

It's all yours, man.
Rent's paid up 'til the end of the year,

so, uh... have fun.

DOC:
Gentlemen, I give you...

Gargantua-2!

The largest, most advanced
space station

mankind has ever seen.

But space is a cluttered,
untidy place.

Not unlike, say,
the utility drawer

of the average American kitchen.

Asteroids, meteors,
space junk --

these are but a few
of the many perils

that await Gargantua-2 in
the cold vastness of space.

To say nothing of cosmic rays--

- Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi--
- Thank you, Hank.

Which is why
Venture Industries has been

subcontracted
to design and build

an electromagnetic
plasma-ray shield

to protect Gargantua-Z.

Like so.

- Ow!
- Hank!

[ Clears throat ]

The real one will cover
the whole thing, of course.

Well, a project of this scale
is gonna take years.

- We have three months.
- I-Impossible!

Not if we all pitch in
and work together.

Where's Dean?

Ahh.
Hah.

Whoa!
Dean with the new look!

Good morning, son.

We were just going over
the plans for the new --

Was that a can of gasoline?

[ Match strikes ]

DOC:
What is this, your pyromania phase?

'Cause that Outrider guy
keeps calling.

- Mind your own business.
- Excuse me?

The motto on the first
penny issued

by the Continental Congress
in 1787,

designed by
Benjamin Franklin.

Okay.
Interesting fun fact.

So, what's with all the black?

"Black -- lacking in
hue and brightness, achromatic.

It neither emits
nor reflects light

in any part of the visible
spectrum

and absorbs all such
frequencies of light."

All right,
you're scaring me now.

I've been listening
to this stupid learning bed

my whole life,
and you know what?

I haven't learned shit!

I could tell you how many taste
buds are on the human tongue,

but I've never even
French-kissed a girl!

Well, no wonder,
with that mouth.

Since when did you take up
cussing?

I'm sick of living
my life in a box!

I don't wanna be a scientist
or a boy adventurer

or even a Venture brother
anymore!

I wanna be my own man.

Okay, son,
take it easy.

I'll tell you what -- you help
daddy with his new project,

and you can have the attic.

HANK: Aw, sweet!
If Dean's pulling a Greg Brady,

then ipso facto, I am gettin'
my own Hank cave!

[ Roars ]

[ gun cocks ]

BILLY: Not that this hasn't
been a gas and all,

but Conjectural Technology
doesn't work pro bono.

I thought your brother was
funding this thing.

He is.
We don't get paid 'til we deliver.

Didn't he give you
an advance or nothing?

Oh! [scoffs]
Blew through that, like, a year ago.

But trust me -- this guy's good
for some start-up cash.

Bit of a pill, honestly, but
he's my best customer.

Ah. Here he comes.

WHITE:
ls it... Bruce Wayne?

Oh, god. No.
Not him. It can't be.

No, Billy, I was kidding.
What's the matter with you?

I sense something -- a presence
I haven't felt since...

Well, hello again,
Mr. St. --

St. Clo-o-o-o-ud!

Uh... t-this is
my colleague, Billy --

Billy Quizboy.

I recognized your foul stench
when I was brought on board.

Ah. No need
for introductions, then.

I was under the impression
this was to be

a private viewing,
Dr. Venture.

You assured me there'd be
no other collectors.

Oh, I was just
leaving, St. Cloud.

White, fetch
the Conjectu-Cycle.

"Fetch"?
What am I, your servant?

- Just do it!
- Well!

I've got a lot of exciting items
to show you.

So, shall we away
to the hangar?

DEAN: No, this has nothing
to do with Triana.

Black is how I feel,
so black is what I wear.

And dye your hair with
and paint your room with.

Look, take it from a fella who
just got dumped himself, Dean.

There are other fish
in the sea --

a whole school of 'em.

Literally a school!

Though, not literally fish,
of course.

God, this looks interesting.

Are you guys
with the space program?

Oh, it's not NASA
or anything.

It's like for a personal space
station, I think.

So your dad is like
the farmer astronaut?

Eh, no, not really.

I mean, he's like --
is there a movie

where a guy tries to scam
money off his brother

that used to be
a parasitic tumor'?

[ Chuckles ]
Are you gonna be there?

- Ugh!
- Sorry, brah. Little help?

'Sup, Thalia?
- Martin!

Your frisbee golf just
became violent.

You, like, knocked down
a person.

Are you okay?

Um...
you have a little bit of --

Huh? Oh. Yeah.
I'm... growing a goatee.

DOC:
You have been chosen

because you are the best students

in the physics department
at your university.

You are the best
of the best.

I'm majoring in sports
medicine!

Okay, you've been chosen because
I accepted every application.

But you should still consider
yourselves lucky,

because you are the instruments
of my brilliance!

You are the Palaemon project.

We're not making a ray shield
for Gargantua-2 --

we're making history!
[feedback]

You guys should've
cheered there.

- You're losin' 'em, Doc.
- This crowd is impossible to read.

Let me show you
how it's done.

All right, listen up!

Dr. Venture has many enemies!

There are dangerous men
out there who are ready

to torture and disembowel you
for your knowledge of this project!

Unacceptable!

So, for your safety,
you'll all be bivouacking here

at the compound
for the duration.

And we got the E-Den all
set up for that.

[crowd groaning]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, people!

This is for your protection!

Ooh, you just
wowed them.

They hate safety.
Don't blame me.

All right, those of you
in white cleansuits

are development class.

Those in orange
are manufacturing class.

And all of you in green --
you're in special class.

[ Laughter]
- BOY: Short bus class!

There's nothing funny
about special class.

They are my personal helpers.

And that makes them better
than the rest of you.

Yeah, I'd just like
to chime in here

to say that all classes,
colors, and creeds

are special at Hank-Co.

Think of Hank-Co as not just me,
Hank-Co,

but as your company store.

We have magazines,
both dirty and clean,

clothing -- clean only --

and, of course, all your
foodstuff needs.

Thank you!
- All right, all right.

We've got a lot of work ahead of us,
Palae-men, and Palae-women.

We deliver in just 80
short days,

so without further ado,
I give you...

The Palaemon Project!

[ whirring ]

[ Electricity crackling ]

DOC:
A-A-A-All right, then.

[tools whirring ]
DOC: All right! Lookin' good!

Well, I know we've had a bit of
a rough start,

but we're coming back strong!
Right, Palaemon?

So, what have we got here?

Looks like
a big, pink rectangle.

Pretty sure I asked
for a sphere, people.

The final shield will be
spherical, as ordered, sir.

This is just a proof of concept.
- All right, then.

Let's go ahead and prove
that concept, shall we?

You -- go stand behind it.
Tommy! Bring 'er in.

You sure about these figures?

Triple-checked them myself,
sir.

[ light applause ]
Not bad. Not bad.

Little souvenir for you,
Tommy.

'Course, the universe
won't be lobbing meatballs

at Gargantua-2.

No, sir, she plays hardball.

And she pitches overhand.

[ loud whirring ]

Aah!

Your figures are bad.
They're bad figures.

Well, maybe if you got us
some decent computers.

Where'd you find these antiques,
The Mayflower?

All right, smart aleck, you just
bought yourself a time-out.

Go sit in the Faraday cage and
think about what you've done.

10 minutes.
I'm timing you.

[ watch beeps, clicking ]

Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
Would you look at the time.

That's, uh, enough for today.

Come along, Tommy!
Step lively, now.

[ Horns blare ]

[ Branch cracks ]

Thought you could sneak up
on me, huh?

I'm not sneaking.

I'm patrolling
the S.P.H.l.N.X. Perimeter.

I'm on foot because I can't get
the big S.P.H.l.N.X. to work.

Patrol your way back to your
little clubhouse, Tubs.

This here's top-secret stuff.

"Tubs"?
Look who's talking!

Your man boobs have
man boobs.

Hey, just 'cause it's harder
to keep the weight off at my age

doesn't mean I can't still take
some little punk of The Monarch's

any day of the week!

I told you -- I don't
work for The Monarch anymore!

I quit!
You were there when I quit!

Name the day, punk!

MONARCH:
Where are you, blood of my blood?

Come to King's Landing

and take your rightful seat
on my iron throne.

- Go for it.
- W-Why the fuck are you Rocky?

Y-You said you were gonna
be Drago.

Drogo! Khal Drogo!

You're supposed to be
my Khaleesi!

Wait -- did you think
I meant Ivan Drago?

- Well, obviously.
- Why would I --

What the hell is sexy
about that?

Well, what the hell is
a "Khal Drogo"?

Not a what -- a who!
From "Game of Thrones"!

Well, I have never seen that
stupid thing.

It is not stupid! It's spectacular!
And yes, you have.

We used to watch it together
every week!

No. Honey, you used to watch
that with #21.

You're a bum, Rock!

Not now, Tim-Tom!

[sighs ]
Forget it. It's ruined now.

Oh, baby, I know you miss
him, but --

How dare you!
"Miss him"!

I don't miss henchmen.
I'm The Monarch.

Okay, okay!
Touchy subject. I'm sorry.

And he will too
be back!

Just as soon as he's finished
his double-undercover

surveillance sabbatical
at the Venture compound!

Oh, honey, it's been
over a month.

He's biding his time!

Okay, okay!
Let's -- let's not talk about it.

Now, where were we?

- I pity the fool who --
- No! Leave us, imp!

Careful, Tommy.

They call them "clean suits,"
but they're a bitch to launder.

[ Chuckles, slurps ]

Tommy, this is delicious.

Not too much grenadine, sir?

[scoffs ] Can you ever have
too much grenadine?

Sir, the updates on the
Palaemon ray for your perusal.

Thank you, Thomas.
I'll have the new work orders

for manufacturing
in the morning.

Very good, sir.

- Oh, and, Thomas?
- Sir?

Could you tell Torn,
Little Tommy, and Tom-Tom

that I'll be turning in early?

They can finish cleaning
the kitchen tomorrow.

Of course, sir.
[horn blares]

Green class!
We must go to the E-Den.

It is time.

Sir, may I stay here tonight?

The E-Den -- it's
an oh-so-frightful place.

The Palaemon workers --
they treat us with disdain.

Oh, they're just jealous
that you get to work

so close to the great
Dr. Venture.

You just tell them that they're
almost as important as you.

Now, run along.

[ horn blares ]

[in distance]
HATRED: No! I banish thee!

Begone, specter of my iniquities!

I repent!

I have amended my ways,
spirit!

Begone!
- What are you yelling about?

I'm being haunted
by the phantoms of my past!

You probably can't see him,
for he haunts me alone!

I have sinned!

Take it down, Scrooge.
He's not a ghost.

He's an intern.
And he's out of phase.

Is he okay?

Can you hear me?

[ screaming echoes ]

All right, good enough.

Is the ionic phase attenuator
complete?

[echoing ]
Kill... me!

Not until we ship.

Now I don't even know
who I am.

I can't even tell my brother.
He'd be devastated.

It's like I'm different
from everyone else,

and I'm just completely alone.

Anyway, I'm sorry to go on
like this.

How was your Halloween?
- It's okay, Dean.

You know, we all feel
like that sometimes.

I feel that way all the time,
and I'm perfectly normal.

Well, I was
perfectly normal.

Oh, no!

Only green class has house
privileges, white class.

Dean, what did I tell you about
fraternizing with the help?

Thalia, show him
your problem.

Okay, I'm gonna show you.

This seems like it's gonna be sexual.
It's not.

Uh, this is it.
But that's not it.

There's another one
on the other side.

So, that's
what's going on with me.

I saw a guy on
The Learning Channel with that.

I even had something
like that myself.

So, uh, do they itch or
something?

Do you need a balm
or a liniment?

Perhaps a salve?
- Okay, no.

See, I just grew these.
I didn't have these yesterday.

Do you see where
I'm going with this?

Okay, well,
I'll look into that.

In the meanwhile, I want you
on construction.

Put those new hands
to some use, huh?

Let's make some lemonade
with these lemons.

I'll see you 'round.

Oh-ho-ho, I don't
think so, Dean.

ST. CLOUD:
Tempered glass --

as indestructible
as the hardest steel.

I had it moved here
from an Apple Store in Madrid.

Steve was a friend.

Oh, well. That's the tour.

Come -- let us retire
to my sunken lounge,

as seen in the
1983 cult classic "Highlander",

and discuss business.

Yes. "Let us".

Now, normally, there's
a 90-day waiting period,

but in light of your, uh,
generous donation

to the Guild Widows
and Orphans Fund,

we've decided to just go ahead
and activate your membership.

And this helpful
orientation kit

will bring you right up to speed
on how we do things.

The handsome tote is yours
to keep -— as our gift to you.

And here is your temporary
Guild l.D.

We'll issue your permanent one

once you've decided
on a villain name.

"Augustus St. Cloud."

Ah! Going with the real name,
then.

Very Lex Luthor of you.
- St. Cloud.

So, what are you,
like a weather guy?

What are your powers?

I have an inordinate amount
of money.

All right, well,
let's talk arches.

We've got a number of candidates
we think would be just --

I will only arch
Master Billy Quizboy.

Ah. See, new members don't get
to pick their own arch

in the first year, so --

Oh, yeah, it's -- it's all
covered in the handbook.

Gentlemen, I've only deigned
to join your organization

for one reason
and one reason only --

to make my decades-old rivalry
with the Quizboy official.

A long time ago, he stole
something from me, you see --

something quite valuable.

And I'm determined to use
my considerable means

to make him suffer for it,
no matter what the cost.

Wow! Well, you've certainly got
the villain patter down.

Right.
Look -- goose bumps.

Unfortunately, rules are
rules, and --

Oh, boo.
What do we have here?

Did one of you... drop this?

TOGETHER:
Welcome to the Guild of Calamitous Intent!

[ Hammering, tools whirring]

[ humming ]

Um, excuse me.

I'm not sure you know who I am.
I'm the boss.

Nah, nah. This one may pass.

[ Loud clanking ]

- Close the doors!
- All right, all right! Relax!

[scoffs ] What's going on
around here?

If those doors
weren't 4 inches of lead,

I wouldn't even be here.

The whole place is like
a fucking incubator

for genetic mutations.

How bad is it?

Oh, just really bad.

All the guys in white have a
second set of functioning arms

and severe brain mutations.

I gave them an E.E.G.,
and it's off the charts.

And that means...?

Your interns are
capable of telekinesis!

And they're processing
information like Einstein-fast!

So that'll help them at least finish
the project on time, right?

My god, you're not
getting this!

The guys in orange have
developed a fucking carapace!

It's like a bunch of
Ben Grimms.

I couldn't even get a needle
in 'em to get a blood sample!

[sighs]
What about the green class?

- What green class?
- The people in the green cleansuits.

There are no green clean suits.

Hey, uh... you don't think
these are gonna

turn into a pair of extra arms,
too, do ya?

[ horn blares ]

MONARCH:
#21.

Psst! #21!

There's no one here
by that name.

I hear ya --
incognito, as am I.

Where'd you get that
clean suit?

I killed one
of the Venture brothers!

Yeah, that was, uh,
probably a Palaemon intern.

Damn it!

So, what are you,
the Venture gardener now?

No!
I'm S.P.H.I.N.X. Commander!

Excellent!
A position of authority.

He's beginning to trust you.

So, what's Venture working on
over there, eh?

Looks like something big.
- I can't be seen with you.

I got a good thing going on here.
You're gonna ruin this for me.

Come on.
Just give me a hint.

What are these "Palae-men"?
Super-soldiers?

I don't work for you anymore!

HATRED: [in distance]
I see ya skulkin' around

over there, Monarch!

Next one's going straight
in your little bindi! Now beat it!

All right!
I was just leaving!

#21!
Quick question --

who is the rightful heir
to the Iron throne?

Daenerys Targaryen.
Duh. Why?

No reason, my main
henchman.

I mean...
S.P.H.l.N.X. Commander.

[ Chuckles ]

That'll be
45 Hankbucks, please.

Can't get enough of these
cleansuits, huh?

Our most popular item.

Do they come any larger?

Hm.
That's the biggest we carry.

Perhaps you'd like to take
advantage

of our in-house
tailoring service --

for a more bespoke clean suit
experience.

Hey, uh, can I interest
the big hardworkin' man

in some snacks?

Griddle's nice and hot.

No griddle snacks.
We eat only student green.

Well, our -- our menu's
always changing,

so check back
again later.

We will.

Why isn't student green
on the menu?

Ah, these kids are
just fussy.

They're vegetarian this week.

Next week, they're gonna want
gluten-free.

Whatever. If the cafe business
doesn't pick up soon,

I'm gonna have to think
about letting you go.

- Wha-- gaah!
- DERMOTT: It's the economy, man.

People just aren't eating out
like they used to.

[ Whimpers ]

Hey, houseboy,
where are you going?

I bring the doctor
the updated schedule

for the Palaemon Project.

Running errand for master?

Like a good little Tom?

Yes, like a good --
I-I should really get these --

How 'bout a little kiss,
boy?

- No... no...
- [ chomps]

- Aaah!
-[gasps]

[ screaming ]

Oh... god!

It's people!

Student green is made out
of people!

We gotta stop 'em somehow!

I gotta tell Doc!

It's people!

Student green is made out
of people!

[ telephone ringing ]

[groans]
Venture... Industry.

Hey, Rust!
It's double J!

How's the ray shield
shaping up?

It's 3:00 A.M.!

JONAS:
Time? In space, it's always the same time --

time to get 'er done!

So, says here on the schedge
that you deliver Friday.

Friday?

Uh, I need a bit more
time to --

I can't deliver that kind
of hot news untested.

[ Chuckles]
Good one!

Test super-magnetized ion
plasma down there?

You'd be knee-deep in
spontaneous genetic mutations.

Yeah, I-I wouldn't test
the ray here.

Yeah, the last super-science
maverick to try that trick

is now billed as Palo,
the human beetle.

But, hey, at least
he's in showbiz.

Am I right?
[ laughs ]

[laughs]
No, no. You're... right.

So, uh, see you in two days?

I'll see you tomorrow!

Tomorrow?! You said Friday.
It's Wednesday.

It's Thursday morning.
Get some sleep, Rust.

I'll see you in 27 hours.

[ click, dial tone ]

Shit!

Hatred! Stop lollygagging
and get up here!

I need the ray shield now!

Hatred! Come in! Hatred!

He still hasn't figured it
out yet, has he?

Eh, Doc isn't the quickest
sprinter in the race.

I'm just hoping he cares enough
about that ray shield

to rescue us for it.

I mean, if there even is
a ray shield.

The ray shield was completed
long ago.

You know that Martin
plans on using it

to turn all of humanity
into a child of Palaemon?

The guy's gone insane!

But there's a story
among our people

that there will come a savior --
the Lee-Hun-Took.

He, and only he, will lead the
children of Palaemon to peace.

Ah, you guys move fast.

What, you been here
three months,

and you already got
legends of saviors?

You're talking about a bunch
of geeks from State University.

You mutate that kind of outcast,

and it gets all "Syfy Channel
Original Feature" real quick.

You! House Tom!

It your time.

No! No!
Sergeant, it has been an honor!

Ah, not Tommy! No!

Don't cry for me!
Tell my story!

It's a madhouse!

A madhouse!

He doesn't listen to me.

I have no impact on anything
my dad does.

Well, something has
to be done,

and soon, because Martin
wants to, like,

rule the world -- like,
literally rule the world --

and make everyone
like this.

What do you expect me
to do about it? Beat him up'?

That's kind of what
I'm leaning towards,

because there's no one else.

All the Toms have been eaten,
and the others are blind followers.

[thinking ]
Just come be with me in E-Den

and challenge Martin
for leadership.

How did you do that?!
You talked to my brain!

You can do it, too.

Just try and think your words
into my brain.

[thinking ]
She's gonna kiss me.

I used to want to kiss the girl
gremlin with the lipstick.

Thalia's taller
and has boobies.

No. [chuckling] Okay.

Just concentrate. Concentrate.

Triana had boobs.
I wonder if all boobs are soft.

Or are some super-extra-soft?

Dean, what you're not doing
is concentrating.

You cannot let your mind
wander.

Do I just touch them,
or should I ask?

I really hope they haven't
gotten all mutated.

But what if they drip
acid now?

All right. Never mind.
Let's just talk regular.

MONARCH:
Yes, they had four arms!

Like that blue hindu sculpture

at the place with the chicken
dish you like!

And the others,
the orange ones,

they were as big
as André Giants!

I'm telling you, Venture has
created a race of supermen!

Yeah, the DNA in this
jumpsuit is really f'd up.

I'm reading trace amounts of
super-magnetized ions.

Definitely more advanced

than anything I've seen
from Venture before.

I knew it!
He's stepping up his game.

We must match his game with...

much more game!

[sighs] Sweetie, can this
wait 'til morning?

My voice gets all raspy
if I don't get enough sleep.

Wow. Really?
Yeah, that's... uh...

Well, what do you want me
to do with all this?

Use your science stuff
to make our henchmen

into a race
of super-er men!

Ugh!
You gonna get all bossy now?

Well, I -- yeah?

I-I mean, I am kind of your
boss, right?

[ wind whistling ]

This is the crack team
I told you to assemble?

It's 6:00 in the morning,
and I don't have

Jason Statham's phone number!

This is the best I could do!
What is that?

They chained the doors
and left this ransom note --

"94 Theses."

Dude, it must really
reek in there.

"Theses,"
not "feces."

It's a list of challenges,
patterned on the one

posted by Martin Luther,
an Augustinian monk who, in 15--

- T.M.l., little guy.
- ...1597.

This is nuts. Like, half of it is
written in Klingon.

And the rest is Sindarin.

Actually, that's Quenya --
high-Elven,

very
similar to Sindarin.

Yeah, I left my English-to-Geek
dictionary in my room.

BOTH:
"Lord of the Rings"!

What do they want --
higher pay?

They want, and I quote,

"the sun to rise
on the children of Palaemon

with rays of global dominion."

That's not happening.
Let's cut these and get my ray shield.

Rust, that facility
is a fully contaminated

mutant incubator!

We can't go in there
unless we decon.

And that's not gonna be easy.

Well, my brother is gonna
be here in... 24 hours!

All my houseboys and Hatred
have disappeared,

and I'm left with the B-team!

B-team?!
All right, listen up!

As new S.P.H.l.N.X. Commander,
I'm taking over this mission!

Blondie, Shorty, get to work
on decontamination.

Lurch and Boy-Band, report
anything strange back to me.

- Check!
- Hey, cool.

Papa V., you find a way
to reverse the mutations.

I'm gonna work on deciphering
this list of demands.

We have 24 hours to deliver
a ray shield, people!

Let's bring this baby home!

[ whip cracks ]
HATRED: Aah!

[ whip cracks ]
- Gahh!

What is your name,
Outlander?

Eat me!

Hey, don't tempt me,
delicious!

- Yoww!
- What is your name?

Hatred!
I'm Sergeant Hatred!

That is your slave name!
What is your name?

Yaaagh!
My name is Sergeant Hatred!

That is not what it says
on your driver's license, dude!

Your masters have stripped you
of your blue robes.

Your body is changing,
just as ours.

Join us, or we're gonna
straight-up eat you, son!

No lies!

- [groans]
- THALIA: Hey! Martin!

I-I changed my mind,
I want to go.

Thalia! What have you done?!

This is Dean,
of the Venture clan.

He has come for challenge.

Yo, did you not read
the rules I wrote?

He's an outsider.
It's forbidden.

Outsider?!
You're the outsider.

Before you guys made this
into E-Wok village or whatever,

it was just a part
of my yard.

[thinking] Hey, bro.
Can you speak in silent tongue?

If he punches me,
I might poop myself a little.

I can feel some poop coming.

Oh, don't do that.
He's really bad at that.

Yeah, no kiddin'.

Well, if he won't accept
the challenge and pusses out,

then I guess I should
just go.

Puss out?! No, no.
I accept challenge.

And, as my Cha-nira,
I'm goin' with my main man, Matt!

You must choose now.

Um... as my...

whatever he just
said, I choose...

him.

- [gasps] Courtney.
- Courtney?

Yeah, my grandmother was --

You tell anyone it's Courtney,
and I will kill you.

What, are you sleeping?
Tell me you're not sleeping!

While we've been up working on
your decontamination problem!

I-I-I was
resting my eyes.

What are you, my dad?

Did you get all tuckered out
watching "Matlock"?

Yeah, Grandpa.
Had too much Chinese buffet

and drifted off watching
"Murder, She Wrote"?

Yeah, he's got to watch
his "Jessica."

Hilarious. Did you solve the
decontamination problem or what?

We're Conjectural Technologies!
Piece o' cake!

Oh, yeah, the device
is all built and ready.

We just got to borrow your old
plasma engine to power it up.

Yeah... I...
kind of sold it to St. Cloud.

What, are you
fucking kidding me?!

The engine from the floating
platform in episode 204,

"The Disappearing Rocketboy
Mystery"?

- Kinda.
- How could you?!

St. Cloud is my archenemy!

Like, legally my archenemy!

Yeah, well,
welcome to the good-guy team.

Oh, smooth, Rust.
Now we got to go get it back.

Can't wait.

Tell me you at least solved
the mutation problem.

I've been
running simulations.

All of them have ended
in their death.

That's Oregon Trail
you're playing!

Did you do the rest of your
tests in Free Cell?!

I-I-I'm doing
the best I can!

Palo Salazar is dead!

If Palo Salazar couldn't solve it,
what are my chances?

Who's Palo Salazar?

MRS. MONARCH: He was once
the world's foremost authority

on genetic mutations.

And then after being belted

by super-magnetized ions
and plasma...

Now he's wrecking the town
with the power of a bull?

Ain't no monster clown
who is as loveable?

Close.

He becomes a circus freak known
as Palo, The Human Beetle.

Then he disappears --
presumed dead.

- But the story doesn't end there.
- No, it doesn't.

Around that time,
a beetle-themed supervillain

called Bugaboo
appears out of nowhere.

And does he rob banks?
No.

He steals lithium,
nanophosphates,

and a whole list
of crazy things.

And that list of crazy things
is in Guild records?

Nope.
It's right... there.

Oh, I'm so turned on.
Let me do you here on the desk!

Sweetie, I have to finish
my work on these mutations.

Finish me!

I'm all revved up from that
"Hart to Hart"-style repartee

we had there.

Come on! Just a handy?

MAN:
An army of uniformed henchmen

is ready to obey your
every order.

What could possibly go wrong?

Learn to recognize
the telltale warning signs

of a blunderer.

This henchman looks all right.

But look closer.

His safety is still on.
His tunic is untucked.

And his boot is untied.

What's with all this
blundering?

Duh, hi, Doctor-Z!

Well, if it isn't
Mr. Blunder, the --

Dur... I tried my hardest.

And that's what a Mr. Blunder
will say.

But you must be firm
with a blunderer.

You have blundered...
for the last time!

[ Clatter]
Pei?

Did we hear a little boomski
downstairs?

- Hnh?
- Will you be careful?!

The guy has knickknacks
everywhere!

That knickknack is
the staff of Ra.

Well, he put it
at head level!

It's too high.

He should've taken back one
Kadam to honor the Hebrew God.

BOTH:
They're digging in the wrong place!

[sniffs]
Oh, Billy!

What, did you crap yourself?
In excitement, maybe?

No. I was gonna ask you.
It smells like death in here.

[ rustling ]

BOTH:
Aaah--

[ muffled screaming ]

Drop.
Slagathor, drop.

Don't eat daddy's new
archenemies

until he's had his fun.

GARY: Boy-Band.
Come in, Boy-Band.

What's your 20?
- You're 20?

- I thought you were #21.
- He's using police code, dingus!

We're hiding, holding
baseball bats.

Pretty sure the big orange guys
are eating everybody.

They're like a bunch of Floridians
all jacked up on bath salts.

All right, whatever.
I'm assembling the team for action.

Do you need extraction
from your position?

No, we can just run
across the yard, screaming.

Pretty sure I'm scared enough
to piss myself,

and nobody wants to eat a kid
all soaked in pee.

Papa V., do you have
the antidote?

Kinda busy now.

Oh, uh... it's cool.
You know, we all do it.

We all soak our bunions?

Oh. I thought you were
having a push.

A "push"?
That's disgusting!

Where'd you even get that from?

I don't remember
where I got that, but whatever.

How's the antidote going?
- I whipped up a little cocktail

of metyrapone,
flunitrazepam, baby aspirin,

antibiotics,
and some other goodies.

It should... do something.
- Sweet.

All right, get into position
for antidote application.

Over and out.

Blondie, Shorty, come in.

I don't even want to know why
you're on the other line.

So just listen.
I'm inside.

Dean's with me,
but he's not exactly safe,

so if you are planning a rescue,
now's the time!

Great.
Blondie, Shorty! Come in!

WHITE: Ugh! That was foul!
What was that?

Slagathor is a corpse/flower hybrid.

He is a cutting from the
man-eating plant

in the 1956 B-movie
"Voodoo lsland,"

starring Mr. Boris Karloff.

With "Batman's" Adam West,
and it was 1957.

So, uh, who's your
muscle?

Oh, that's Pei Wie.

He's a rare Asian albino.

Much more collectible than
your domestic albino.

Big whoop.
I have better hair.

- So, you come for an arching?
- Not tonight.

We just want the floating platform
you bought from Venture.

Of course.
Let me just get that for you.

Really?
[ chuckles ] Awesome.

- Thanks, guy.
- It will only cost Billy one dollar.

Yes, the same amount Billy
sniped me

in our recent eBay joust.

Oh, my God.
Will you get over that?!

I won the Rusty Mego doll
fair and square.

Sure you did, Quizboy.

Just like you "won" a certain
fixed game show

when we were both 15.

Just 100 pennies.

Eat them, and the plasma engine
is yours.

- I'm not gonna eat pennies!
- Billy, eat the pennies.

It's -- it's just pennies.
So you poop pennies -- big deal!

All right.
I'll sweeten the pot.

- [ Beeps ]
- BILLY: A H.E.L.P.Er. Model?

It's the real H.E.L.P.Er.,
thank you.

I recently purchased him
from Dr. Venture.

Aw, he sold H.E.L.P.Er., too?
That is just cold.

Eat the pennies,
and he's yours, as well.

- Just eat the pennies.
- Eat the pennies, Quizboy.

- Eat the pennies.
- I won't eat pennies!

Listen to your sidekick
and eat the pennies.

I am not a sidekick-- Billy,
eat the damn pennies already!

- Eat the pennies.
- No, I'm not gonna eat the pennies!

Listen, let's do this
old-school.

- Go on.
- Trivia -- one question.

Winner takes all.

You get H.E.L.P.Er.,
the floating platform, and I get...?

- Name it.
- I want your albino.

I'm collecting them now.

- Fine. Take the albino.
- What?! No!

White, you gotta
trust me here.

I can geek-trivia circles
around him.

I'm the Quizboy.

Then we'll do this properly.

Step into the octagon,
Quizboy.

[ clanking ]

It took me years and a small
fortune to reassemble,

but it's worth every
delicious penny.

THALIA:
Children of Palaemon!

You are assembled to witness

and abide the outcome of this
challenge

for Lee-Hun-Took,

promised leader of these lands.

All right, now, remember,
his lower set of arms

are still new and vulnerable,

and that makes
his upper body really clumsy.

[ exhales sharply ]
I'm ready.

All right!
You can do this, champ!

As challenger, Dean may
choose his combat.

Let it be the scilla-mu-tura,

the blade that shines
like the moon!

I dominate that!
- I choose...

The way of the Indian!

Say what?

[ People chanting ]

[ inhaling sharply ]
Aaah! I yield! I submit! Aah!

Winner of the Indian
sunburn -- Dean!

[ crowd cheers ]

[ whistles ]

Winner of the Indian feast --
it's Dean!

[ crowd cheers ]

DEAN:
[yelling]

[ Both grunting ]

Come on! Snap it!
Just snap your leg!

Momentum!
Come on! You can do it!

Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Winner of the Indian leg
wrestling -- Dean!

He is the Lee-Hun-Took!

It is the dawn of The Second
Age, you guys!

WHITE:
Ladies and gentlemen!

Welcome to a special edition
of Quizboys!

[ theme music plays ]

Once the lazy trust-fund heir to
the world's largest plastics company,

now the worst-dressed
supervillain --

please welcome
Augustus St. Cloud!

And our returning champion,

the undefeated master
of the game

and super-scientist nemesis
to St. Cloud,

Billy "Quizboy" Whalen!

One question, agreed upon
by both contestants.

The question is...

how many robots are
in this cabinet?

[ buzzer ]

The answer...

is five.

Wrong!
There's four, St. Cloud.

Nomad -- one.

H.E.L.P.Er. -- two.

The Walking Eye that is part of
h.E.L.P.Er. -- three.

Twiki -- four.

And around his neck is
Dr. Theopolis -- five!

Oh! Did you miss that?
I'm so sorry.

Not so fast, St. Cloud!
Nomad isn't a robot.

It's a deep-space probe.

Nomad, a probe, merged with
Tan Ru, an alien probe.

Two probes don't make
a robot.

They call him a robot.

"Star Trek: T.O.S.,"

Episode 3, Season 2,
"The Changeling"!

Nomad was referred to
as a thinking machine,

vessel, device, mechanism,
and p-robe!

You're flawed, St. Cloud!
You must sterilize!

Sterilize!
- You win this time...

but mark my words,
and mark them well --

I will get you, Quizboy!

Okay, I'm under
the E-den.

I've hooked up the antidote pump
to the air-conditioning.

I'll release it at 4:30 A.M.
Right?

Uh, slight problem --
Hatred and Dean are in there.

And I deciphered
the 94 Theses.

It's kind of a Bible,

complete with a nutty apocalypse
called The Second Age,

and that's basically
using your ray shield

to turn the world
into mutants.

- So you're saying...
- Exactly!

Dean and Hatred and the whole
world are in danger!

What?! No, you're saying
they finished my ray shield!

Best news I've heard all day!

Don't take this as an insult,
but working

for you and The Monarch --
it's like the same thing.

MONARCH:
Slow and steady, my minions!

We crawl into the Venture
compound undetected!

Is my army of mutant henchmen
ready?

Uh, d-don't worry about it, sweetie.
It's under control.

And I've already sent in
an advance team

to secure the hatch.
- Excellent!

Then we drop in our mutant
henchmen,

as if taking an evil,
mighty push!

That is so foul!

Can you say "movement"
instead of "push"?

Okay, movement.

I don't even know why
I say push.

It's really gross when you
think about it.

Push...

WHITE: Oh, I could get
used to this super-scientist thing.

BILLY: Right? We just vanquished
our archenemy!

We are awesome!

We should totally keep
this thing.

It would make a killer
Conjectu-car!

And we won h.E.L.P.Er.
fair and square,

so really, he kinda
belongs to us, too, right?

No way! You don't even play
with Robe-Bo anymore!

No more androids!
Get a cat or something!

This is S.P.H.l.N.X. Commander.
What is your E.T.A.?

We're almost there.

We can have
full decontamination in...

three hours.

You got 1 1/2
before we deliver.

Can it be done?

No problem!
We're super-scientists!

And we are living the dream!

High fi-

[ alarm beeping ]

Oh, you're kidding me!

[ beeping continues ]

Approaching Venture compound.

Signal installed operatives
to begin insertion protocol!

Roger that.
Getting into position.

[crowd singing]

J” Lee-Hun-Took! J“

J” Loo ree nah arda! J”

J” Ooh ray ah nore rnel neh! ♪

J" Pa-lae-mon! J"

So... it's over?

I'm king now, and I can let
everyone out

of the dome in my backyard
and get them help?

Dean, you're the Lee-Hun-Took
now.

And you're gonna usher in
The Second Age.

I'll be your queen.

We'll rule the world in
peaceful, sustainable harmony.

We'll, like,
make out and stuff.

Mm...

[ gasps ]
I am Dean, the Lee-Hun-Took!

I am king of the world!

[ crowd cheers ]

[ panting ]

Hey! Guys, look!

WHITE: Fatty's signaling us.
I think he wants us to come in.

Wha? White! Isn't that
The Monarch's cocoon?

Super science!

Get me over the E-den!

I'll handle The Monarch!

Then get this thing to Palaemon
for decon!

Aye, aye, commander!

Aah! Aaaaah!

Owww! This sucks!

Deploy the umbilical pipe!

Begin the...
movement!

Um, sweetie?
Look at the monitor.

Belay that order!

I knew you'd be there for me!

Dean and Hatred are
in there!

Sweet!
Thanks for the tip, #21!

Deploy my super-mutant
henchman army!

See ya later... traitor.

J" Pa-lae-mon! J"

[ rumbling ]

[ crowd screaming ]

[ watch beeps ]
4:30.

Okay, kids, if this doesn't
cure you,

you're at least gonna
get toasty and remember nothing

but a massive craving
for Doritos.

[ gas hissing ]

[ screaming continues ]

What is this shit?
Where are my mutant warriors?!

MRS. MONARCH:
Sweetie? I want you to meet Dr. Salazar.

He helped me with this.

Formerly
Palo, The Human Beetle,

and now the world's foremost expert

on reversing genetic mutations.

Wh-- but...
Mutant army...

Oh, come on.

Do you really want a cocoon
full of four-armed freaks?

You don't fight fire with fire,
sweetie.

You fight it with water.

So...
I still win?

You still win.

[ alarm beeping ]

I'm getting a reading that
massive amounts of narcotics

are coming up the umbilical
into the cocoon!

[ gas hissing ]

BOTH:
Retreat!

JONAS:
I got to hand it to ya, Rust.

Didn't think you could
pull it off.

Please.
Went without a hitch.

You seem to forget who
the original Venture son is.

Touché.
Be careful!

That's a fragile piece of
Venture ingenuity you're loading.

Tell me you
decontaminated that thing.

Oh, yeah, it's fine.

You know what I can't believe

is that your antidote
actually worked.

Right? It was basically
antibiotics and roofies.

I guess even my wild guesses
are flawless.

[ crowd groaning ]

THALIA:
Martin...

I feel that something untoward
has happened.

Wha-a-a-t was it?

HANK:
Yeah, we just kinda hid in the house.

We totally did not want to get
our faces eaten.

What happened in there?
- I-I don't really remember.

I think I fought a guy to be
the leader of the world.

And, like, the hottest chick
there was my... queen.

Yeah, that happened.
Dude, you are so baked.

Do I know that girl?

I feel like we made out
or something.

Ooh!
Check your watch.

That works for me sometimes.

[ coughs ]

[ groans ]
Why are YOU here?!

Hey, why do you still
have tits?

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

So, like, they're
all normal guys now,

and Venture looks
all retarded!

Yeah.
Ant-- antidote butterflies.

They're anti-flies.

No, no -- butter-dates.
They're butter-dates.

[ Chuckles ]
That is so awesome.

You're, like, so awesome.

You are, like,
my best friend.

Ooh! Wait!

Anti-doodle-bugs.