Original subtitles

(Morly) As a young constable at Scotland Yard,

we were taught that we had 101 powers of arrest

It soon appeared that our criminal adversaries, however,

had 1,001 powers of resistance

I intend to share all of these with you delightful ladies

And to comfort you in the knowledge

that each and every one of you

is a walking arsenal

[women laughing]

Night has fallen

An attacker attacks

You have nothing but an umbrella

How shall I defend thee?

Let me count the ways

[women giggling]

A rapier?

[women gasping]

A saber?

A jabber?

[women gasping]

A grabber?

Oh

[women laughing]

Steady, love

Now, Mrs Uh, Miss

Miss Steinhardt? Your keys

Deadly keys, lethal keys

held thus and raked across your assailant's face

A slash, a gash,

[women gasping]

after which I advise you to beat a hasty retreat

[women laughing]

Now, lets have a look at this little bag of tricks here

Ooh

It's heavy, Chief Inspector

It is heavy, Mrs, uhuh, Columbo

It's very heavy

It is a weapon It's a mace Use it as such

[exclaiming]

[women squealing]

[women laughing]

A resounding slap across the villain's ear

Oh

And speaking of mace,

let me introduce you to the more contemporary Mace

An evilsmelling

and blinding gas

[women exclaiming]

[women coughing]

It's not very nice, is it?

Well, I'll tell you more about this kind of mace when next we meet,

but in the meantime,

with your permission, madam,

may I delve deeper into your arsenal?

[clearing throat]

What have we here?

Oh

[laughing]

How embarrassing

A recently published book on the subject of murder

Seven Who Beat The Headsman

by lan A Morly, an obscure genius

[women laughing]

A detective chief inspector, retired

I advise each of you ladies

to buy a copy at your local bookstore

Under no circumstances visit the public library

Here's another weapon, a plastic card

Stiff as steel and sharp as a knife

A slashing blow across the face should do very nicely indeed

[screeching]

[women exclaiming]

From this, I deduce

deduce that Mrs Columbo is either a burglar

or a journalist

A burglar, because it should do very nicely for popping locks

A journalist, because it appears to be a press card

Oh, for The Weekly Advertiser

Our neighborhood newspaper

If you roll it up, it makes a terrific weapon

[women laughing]

Very impressive

There

I have you, Mrs Columbo Oh

You are in my power

What are you going to do?

Spray you with gas, Chief Inspector

I think you've just been Maced

With a fountain pen, madam?

[sighs]

[women laughing]

In that case, would you autograph your book for me?

With pleasure

"For my fellow author

[laughs] "and

"deadly

adversary"

[all laughing]

Mr Carmichael?

Yes?

My name is Morly

Chief Inspector How good of you to visit me Do come in

I'm so pleased you accepted my invitation

May I take your coat?

Thank you

I must admit your telephone call intrigued me

I hoped it would

Your fire's very welcome

Yes, it is

As I told you, I enjoyed your book immensely

Would you care for brandy?

Please

Here you are

Thank you

Mmmhmm

A compendium of seven true and perfect murders

Oh

You might have called it

Seven Who Got Away With It

I considered that title Cheers

Perhaps for my next book,

if I can manage to research all the material

You promised me an appropriate case

I hope you'll find it as fascinating as your own collection

Especially The Murder of Lilli Corday

I must admit I enjoyed that one myself

Tell me about your murderer

Who was the victim?

[clicking]

You are

Indeed

[clearing throat]

[gasps]

Oh, my

llt's not that

that Carmichael? Is it really?

Lilli's Carmichael?

Poor Lilli's murder

All those years ago

I was We were all under the impression

that you had drowned in the Thames the night the police came

to arrest you for a murder you never committed

A murder you committed

Whatever gave you that idea?

From your book of perfect murders

A common prostitute

was rather cleverly murdered

by a rising young politician

when she threatened to expose their relationship

The police mistakenly assumed,

because of your own relationship with Lilli,

that you had killed her

You shattered my life

I intend to shatter yours, Chief Inspector

My dear fellow,

I wasn't

even on the case

You can hardly imagine that I would have put Lilli's death

into my book if I were the murderer

No, my dear Mr Carmichael

Your argument is absurd, and I can prove that

beyond a shadow of doubt if you'll kindly refrain

from squeezing that trigger for 30 seconds,

whilst I, uh

Is it all right if I write on this?

All your sufferings might have been spared

[gasping]

[grunting]

[gun firing]

[groans]

Oh, my

Hello?

Uh, my name is Carmichael

I'm in the Country Club Apartments

Can you help me? II don't want to live

I don't want to die

ll'm afraid

I want to live

I want to die

(woman on phone) Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Can I help you?

Hello?

[gun firing]

[police siren wailing]

Oh, my

[gasping]

[door opening]

(Boone) How do I know where to take him?

Wherever you take suicides, that's where you take him

All right boys, all wrapped up

You can go eat now

Why, Chief Inspector Morly

Oh, Mrs Columbo

Isn't it?

I was, uh, just

They've all left

Apparently

Are you helping them? The police

Oh, no, no, no, just the responses of an old warhorse

I received a telephone call from this, uh, Mr Carmichael

Oh, his name wasn't really Carmichael

Excuse me?

I mean he just rented the apartment under the name of Carmichael,

but his real name was Saunders

That's what his identification said

That's what Sgt Boone said

Well, uh, I'm afraid I wasn't acquainted

with this, uh, Carmichael, Saunders or whatever his name was

I, uh, understand the poor fellow shot himself

He said he had some valuable material for my new book,

so I arranged to meet him here in his apartment

It isn't his apartment

Excuse me?

There's nothing in there

I mean, he just rented it but he never moved in

I found this

[laughs]

There must be a mate to it somewhere

He burned it

Excuse me?

In the fireplace

Ugh, do you smell it?

Mmm, it's very strong

I asked Sgt Boone

why somebody who was going to commit suicide

would burn his rubber

Sgt Boone said he didn't want to discuss it

But do you have a theory?

Uh, no, I'm afraid not

Did you, um, know the deceased?

Oh, no, no, nothing like that

The call came in while I was at the police station

for my, uh, my newspaper

The Weekly Advertiser

Oh, it's just parttime

Mostly when my daughter's in school

Fascinating work

Mmm

I write a lot about how the PTA is trying to raise money

II must admit I'm looking forward to a cup of tea

We don't get many murders

Murders?

I mean, if it isn't suicide

Why wouldn't it be suicide?

It's these paintings

This one and that one over there

There's something wrong with them

But I'm sure you'll get it right away, Chief Inspector

They're just, uh, inexpensive reproductions

There's nothing very special about them

No, it's this darker area

Don't you think that's interesting?

Is it?

Well, there must have been a bigger picture here

Like that one

And that one belongs somewhere else

Yes, you're possibly right That's nicely deduced

Mrs Columbo, would you join me in a cup of tea?

I know a nice tearoom Very English

Oh, I'd love to But just look, Chief Inspector

When I tried hanging this painting over there

Youyou did?

look what I found

It's a bullet hole I think it's a bullet hole

Well, it is Isn't it a bullet hole?

It certainly appears to be a, uh,

a bullet hole

Oh, I'm so glad, because I left a message for Sgt Boone

[laughing] You did indeed?

How wonderful of you

You're quite a detective, Mrs Columbo

[laughing] Oh, why, thank you, Chief Inspector

I'm gonna tell my boss you said that

Oh, there's one more thing

Mrs Columbo Tea

It's this painting

There's something else wrong with this painting, don't you think?

Is there? II don't quite see it

You see how the light's coming from this side?

You see how the artist painted it that way?

Yes, I doMrs Columbo

But he painted this shadow, this way

Why would he paint the shadow like that?

The painter you're referring to, Mrs Columbo, was Rembrandt

The painting, I believe, is called The Officer

Rembrandt painted The Officer over 300 years ago

The mystery is forever and irretrievably buried

Even for a sleuth of your own formidable powers

Tea, Mrs Columbo

I think you're making charming conversation,

but you're really thinking about that bullet hole

I must admit,

you've read my mind, Mrs Columbo

Just consider this poor chap Carmichael

Saunders

Oh, Saunders, Carmichael, just consider him

sitting on the edge of an emotional precipice

Does he want to live, does he want to die?

What is it like? What will it feel like?

What will it sound like?

So, experimentally,

he looses off a bullet into the wall

And then switches the paintings and covers it up

The bullet hole in the wall is proof

that he intended to kill himself

But, at that

At that very moment, he changed his mind

And so he switched over the paintings

to cover up the evidence of his shattered will

Oh, that's very perceptive, Chief Inspector

Merely a suggestion

May I make a suggestion?

I'm sure you will, Mrs Columbo

Someone else could have been in the room

He fired the shot and he missed

Or maybe Carmichael fired the shot

and then the other guy got the gun and killed him

Murder

It's just a suggestion

Why did he telephone his intention to commit suicide?

And what about the, uh, galosh

The rubber in the fireplace?

Chief Inspector

I think you really are going to help the police

I bet you're enjoying yourself more than you want to admit

I'm having the time of my life, Mrs Columbo

[muttering]

(Jenny on intercom) Mommy, now hear this

Now hear what?

Do I get to say good night to daddy?

Not unless you plan to stay up till 3 o'clock in the morning

What are you doing?

I am writing about a lady who got to be 95 years old

by drinking sauerkraut juice

Can we play a game?

I've got a better idea, honey

Let's play a game

What kind of game?

Word game Yes, no, or maybe

Hmm

A man's locked in his room

in his own house,

and he can't get out Why?

Is he in the cellar?

No

Is he alone in the house?

Yes

The man is very rich and the house is very big and the room is an elevator,

and the elevator's stuck between the floors

You knew it

We played it last month, dopey

You do one

Okay

It's raining outside

The man is in a room with a fireplace

And he's very sad

And he burns one of his rubbers in the fireplace

Why?

Is anybody else in the room?

I don't know

Yes, no, or maybe

Maybe

Hmm

It's freezing cold, and he doesn't have anything else to make a fire

[laughs]

No

He wants to play a trick on somebody?

Maybe

Hmm

His mother made him burn his rubbers

so he wouldn't wear them in the house

[laughing] That's ridiculous

Then what's the answer?

I don't know, honey

That's a dumb game

It's a gotosleep game

There isn't any answer,

and you have to think about it, and it makes you go to sleep

Good night

(Jenny) Oh, Mom?

Huh?

I think he just wanted it to make a bad smell,

like Walter did when he burned the beach ball

Is that what Walter did?

He's funny

He's very good at games

Good night, you little blueeyed wonder

Dumb game

[birds chirping]

For Emily, my love

Why, dear, oh

And one for Mrs Columbo

Oh, damn

lan

lll'm dreadfully sorry

II seemed to have pricked my thumb

Oh, come, come say hello

How very nice to see you again

Oh, thank you, sir

You looked so content out there, we couldn't bear to disturb you

We've been getting along famously

I'm going to teach Mrs Columbo how to make my lime marmalade,

and she's going to teach me how to make, uh, dum sim

Dim sum Chinese dumplings

What splendid news

(Mrs Columbo) I've got better news than that, Chief Inspector

You are going to be delighted

Am I?

(Emily) There you are, dear

Did you know that Mrs Columbo is married to a police lieutenant?

No, I didn't know that

Homicide He works Central

We must all get together sometime

Now, Mrs Columbo, tell me the good news

Remember the burned rubber?

The rubber Oh, the galosh

(Emily) Inin the fireplace, dear

Mrs Columbo's been telling me

Carmichael's galoshes

No, no, Saunders, dear

I think somebody burned it to try and cover up

a smell in the room

Uh, you can't be serious

That's what Sgt Boone said

But then he examined the body again and guess what he found?

(Emily) lan, you'll never believe it

Carmichael had a false beard

Aa false beard?

And under the beard, traces of tear gas

(Emily) TThat must've been the smell, dear

Have some marmalade

Oh, that is really terrific marmalade

But the teargas smell,

maybe that's what the murderer was trying to cover up

Tear gas Uh, murderer

It's really all very confusing

Sgt Boone thinks so, too

He says a man named Saunders

Oh, did I tell you?

He worked as a waiter at the Piccadilly Music Hall

A waiter at the, uh No

Sgt Boone says, the way he sees it,

Saunders rented a furnished apartment

under the name of Carmichael to commit suicide

He burned his rubber in the fireplace,

fired a shot into the wall,

switched the paintings, called the police

and said he didn't want to live,

he didn't want to die, he wanted to die,

he wanted to live, and shot himself

Then he squirted himself in the face with tear gas

and put on a false beard

Really, lan Does that sound like suicide?

It's certainly very bizarre

You will have to work on it, dear

Oh, please, Chief Inspector

It would make such a terrific story for The Weekly Advertiser

Ladies, I promise on my solemn oath

to know no peace until I have disposed of the strange death,

of Mr Carmichael

(Emily) Saunders, dear

[laughs]

Sauerkraut juice? 300 words on sauerkraut juice?

Well, it's not the juice It's the lady's 95 years old

She still jogs

Mrs Columbo,

everybody that breaks 90 has a recipe for longevity

[phones ringing]

Back on the Memphis Gazette, I met a 93yearold man,

who did the trick with stewed banana peels

[typewriter clacking]

Slice the sauerkraut lady in half,

and I'll take 200 words on the lavender fireplugs

Yes, Mr Alden

Don't you think

I never think

I bought a neighborhood newspaper we give away for nothing

Does that sound like a guy that thinks?

You got any more questions?

What's OS tear gas?

Why?

Sgt Boone said they found OS tear gas underneath Carmichael's beard

I thought his name was Saunders

It's very complicated

There's two kinds of tear gas,

OS and OC, that's military

Orthochlorobenzalmalonitrile

Don't put that in your story

This is a newspaper, not an information service

What's OS?

That's the stuff the police use

They call it Mace

Mace?

Mace

[knocking on door]

Excuse me

Is this, uh

Was this Mr Saunders' apartment?

That's right

My name is Morly lan Morly

Chief Inspector?

Retired

You're welcome, sir

You come right in

I'm Sgt Boone

Yeah

Mrs Columbo,

she's told me a lot about you, sir

I must admit she's spoken about you many times

She asked me if, uh,

II would take a personal interest in this case

I hope you don't mind

It would be an honor, sir

We can start with these

Galoshes

These are Mr Saunders' rubbers

Rubbers

I'd say they were about the same size as the one that got burned

Would you say that?

Mmm, roughly

What I was wondering,

is that a coincidence

or is it important?

[clearing throat]

If it were, uh, important, would it be a coincidence?

That's what I was wondering

Onon the other hand,

if it were a coincidence, would it be important?

So you see,

it's six of one, half a dozen of the other

[laughing]

Oh, right, sir

I see what you mean

Um, shall we look further, Sergeant?

I'll tell you the truth, I've got a tough job here

In my report, I called it suicide

All that stuff about a false beard

and the tear gas and the bullet hole,

there's still got to be a way I can make it come out suicide

We'll do our very best, Sergeant

Something wrong?

Oh, no Just an author's vanity, I suppose

If you can call writing a single book being an author

I was wondering if Mr Saunders possessed a copy of it

Seven Who Beat The Headsman, sir?

That's it

Have you read it?

Not yet

But Mrs Columbo read it

She told me she's reading it again

Is she, indeed?

Well, I suppose the book could be anywhere

Not your book, sir

I've been over this whole place

I would have noticed it

It's a minor matter

But I think you just slipped up, sir

Have I?

Mrs Columbo,

she said that Mr Saunders called you about your book

When he called himself Carmichael

Yes, he did, indeed

So he must have bought a copy after all

Obvious

[laughs]

How stupid of me to have forgotten

[both laughing]

It's probably at that place he worked

That Music Hall place

[people applauding]

[crowd laughing]

But enough of this bragging

I say a man's got to sleep with his conscience

That is, if he can't find something better

[audience laughing]

Oh, well, now, let's get on with our show

At practically no expense and very little trouble,

we bring you The Great Merlini

[audience applauding]

[music playing]

[drums beating]

Shut up!

[people laughing]

(Merlini) What do you want, a knighthood?

Good evening ladies and gentlemen

The first thing every magician does

is to introduce his very charming and attractive assistant

I can't afford one

[people laughing]

So whatever it is, I shall come down here amongst you

and possibly get a volunteer from the audience Good evening, sir

Good evening You're looking well

Suit's coming back into style Good evening, madam

I've found the volunteer Up this way Wait

Come along, my dear

And now, for my first trick

Trick, did I say trick?

Miracle! Miracle! Stand over here, my dear

Stand right there

How about a nice hand for my very willing volunteer?

[all applauding]

[music playing]

[audience laughing]

Oh, there you are

[laughing]

Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, you will notice

that my assistant is tallying up the numbers you've given her

And I must point out, I have performed this trick before the Duke of Edinburgh

The Prince of Wales, The Marquis of Granby,

and several other well known pubs

[all laughing]

[sighs]

[drum rolling]

Now, ladies and gentlemen, the trick you've all been waiting for,

the one advertised on the placard

[drum rolling]

What is the secret number?

[drum rolling]

(Merlini) The secret number is

[drum rolling]

seven

[audience laughing]

[drum rolling]

What?

Oh, what?

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Funny

Very, very funny

Back to your seat, love, thank you

I've got a wife and two kids to support

[laughs]

Good, isn't it? Yes

Anyway, let's give the little lady a little hand

[all applauding]

Enough, don't spoil her

And now, for my next failure

I'm so sorry, dear

It's just a little headache

(Mrs Columbo) Chief Inspector

Hello, Chief Inspector

[chuckling]

More good news, Chief Inspector

You were just lovely

Oh, thank you, Mrs Morly

Look what I found in Mr

Mr Carmichael's locker

Why, that's your book, dear

He had it locked up?

Oh, no, it was open, but I locked it after I got the book

How efficient

I still don't quite understand the significance

Oh, excuse me

One of the chapters is missing

Cut right out

The part about the murder of Lilli Corday

And the man they accused of killing her,

the man who drowned himself,

his name

Carmichael

There you go, Chief Inspector

He's miles ahead of me again

[all laughing]

Tada! Dim sum Homemade

[Morly chuckles]

(Emily) Oh, you couldn't have

(Mrs Columbo) Well, they were really for my husband,

but he's working late again tonight

Oh, what a pity

But, I've got another surprise for you, Chief Inspector

You wrote that a politician murdered Lilli

and then framed a man named Carmichael

You know, lan once told me

that it wasn't really a politician

He said it was someone else, and he's still alive

That is really beside the point, dear

But, I think the point is that your Mr Carmichael was drowned

Only he wasn't

He wasn't?

If you look here, Chief Inspector,

in our Mr Carmichael's book,

in the table of contents, you see that?

"The murder of Lilli Corday

I am the murderer"

"I am the murderer" Hmm, that's remarkable

Mmm, isn't it, dear?

Carmichael wrote that

The same Carmichael who was supposed to be drowned

but he was living right here in Los Angeles,

and now we know who killed him

Living with the guilt all these years,

he read your book,

and he called you to confess

To confess! Yeah, oh

Excuse me To confess, of course

And then, upset, terribly frightened

Overwrought

Knowing his own life was over

The poor man committed suicide

A clear case of suicide

Your Sgt Boone was right, after all

Carmichael shot himself

And then he Maced himself and put on a false beard

[sighing]

(Mrs Columbo) Why, Chief Inspector

Why,

[laughs]

Mrs Columbo

I think I have some more good news for you

I dare say

For your next book

A perfect murder

This one's terrific

Where did you turn up this delightful little crime?

Oh, in my spare time

For my neighborhood newspaper

Tell me about it

It's about Carmichael

Saunders

Carmichael was his real name in England

He used his real name when he rented this apartment

And maybe when he arranged the meeting with the man

you said killed Lilli Corday

An English politician?

Out here in Los Angeles?

But you told your wife he wasn't really a politician, remember?

I'm beginning to see your point

Carmichael, uh, inin a false beard,

extracting his revenge

Then revealing himself

You're way ahead of me again, Chief Inspector

But then the visitor turned the tables

That's where the Mace came in

Carmichael's gun went off

The bullet hole in the wall

Then he shot Carmichael

Switched the paintings to hide the hole

Put back the beard to hide the Mace

Burned the rubber to kill the smell Oh

Your wife said this was your rubber, Chief Inspector

Did she?

Well, one of those is very much like another

Tell me more about your murderer

It had to be the same man

who killed Lilli Corday

Well, now your little fantasy is getting confusing, Mrs Columbo

Carmichael did away with Lilli

It's all there

Don'tdon't you remember the confession, "I am the murderer? "

Oh, yes

[chuckling]

But then there's these, Chief Inspector

I got them at the library

Copies of English newspaper stories

About you, Chief Inspector

See that?

"lnspector IAM nabs gallery thief

"IAM Stalks Mayfair Strangler

IAM Does it again"

You were a very famous man,

Inspector lan A Morly

IAM

Oh, it doesn't say, "I am the murderer"

It says:

"IAM,

Murderer"

Open to interpretation

Wouldn't you say?

Oh, yes, absolutely open, no proof at all

But then there's this

Art book, huh?

Rembrandt, Chief Inspector

I think you're going to be very proud of me

You see, it's the very same picture

Mmm

The Officer

You see how the light goes?

Yes

Now, there's that shadow again

You see? That shadow there?

Uh, perhaps it's a flaw in the reproduction

Well, that's exactly what I thought

But then I thought about something caught in the lamp

Something the, uh, murderer dropped

when he switched the paintings or maybe

it fell out of his pocket

You see?

Now, it's gone

Yes, it has

[chuckling]

Your Mace pen, Chief Inspector

You killed Carmichael

And you killed Lilli Corday

[laughing]

Ininin the circumstances, Mrs Columbo,

don't you feel the slightest bit of trepidation?

Oh, no

I think you're a very nice man

[laughing]

Two murders

One, all those years ago, illconceived

The other,

a few days ago, inadvertent

Yet another might, uh, I feel,

be painting the lily

Yes,

I thought so, too

You're a remarkable woman, Mrs Columbo

Coming from IAM,

I'd say that's quite a compliment

Of course,

you've conveyed all this information to the police

Sgt Boone's thinking it over

[laughing] Sgt Boone

Would it, uh

Might it possible for me to spend an hour or two

with my wife before you continue your conversation

with Sgt Boone?

lt'll be one more case to tell her about,

won't it, Chief Inspector?