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1
00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:18,320
Can I help you?
- Uh, yeah. Um...
2
00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:24,399
I would like to report something.
How does it work?
3
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:25,920
What would you like to report?
4
00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:30,200
I don't know how to tell you this,
but I'm, like, I'm getting stalked.
5
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,399
- By a man or a woman?
- A woman.
6
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,479
Have you had a sexual relationship
with this woman?
7
00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:38,639
No, I... I haven't.
She's a bit older than me.
8
00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,199
Age is generally not a factor we consider.
9
00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:44,879
No, of course. I can assure you, though,
I... I absolutely haven't.
10
00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,119
Okay. You say this woman's stalking you?
11
00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,599
Yeah. She comes to my work.
She comes to my house.
12
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:52,199
She sends me emails, like...
like all the time.
13
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:53,639
Are any threatening towards ya?
14
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:57,480
Oh, I'm sure. I mean... I mean,
let me just open up a random one. Here.
15
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:02,440
I wouldn't say
that's particularly threatening.
16
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:05,159
They're...
they're in here somewhere.
17
00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:07,719
I just need to sift
through all of the...
18
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,480
Look, I'm... I'm really worried here.
19
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:13,360
I think she needs help.
20
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,120
How long has it been going on?
21
00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:17,720
I don't know, like...
22
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,079
six months, maybe.
23
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:22,320
Six months?!
24
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,640
Why'd it take you so long to report it?
25
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:40,600
I felt sorry for her.
26
00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,840
That's the first feeling I felt.
27
00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:49,999
It's a patronizing, arrogant feeling,
28
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,279
feeling sorry for someone
you've only just laid eyes on,
29
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,359
but I did.
30
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:54,839
I felt sorry for her.
31
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:56,600
Serve, you twat.
- Yep. Sorry.
32
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,120
Fiver, please, mate.
33
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,920
- Cheers, mate. Thank you.
- Thanks.
34
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,640
- Can I get you something?
- No, thanks.
35
00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:15,240
Are you sure?
36
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,520
- Cup of tea?
- No, thanks.
37
00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:20,479
- You have to buy something.
- Can't afford something.
38
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,600
- Right. Not even a cup of tea?
- No.
39
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:25,240
Right, well...
40
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:30,520
How about I give you
a cup of tea on the house?
41
00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:39,760
All right.
42
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,160
- So, what do you do?
- I'm a lawyer.
43
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,519
How'd you get into that, then?
44
00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:57,079
I trained in criminal law,
45
00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,879
moved to England, retrained,
opened up my own practice,
46
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,920
won several awards,
now a leading advisor to the government.
47
00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,439
- You own a law firm?
- Amongst other things.
48
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,279
A flat in Pimlico
overlooking a private garden,
49
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,079
one in Bexleyheath, two in Belsize Park.
50
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:12,679
God doesn't like a bragger,
51
00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,119
but when you're the go-to
for the biggest political minds,
52
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:16,359
you've earned a brag or two.
53
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:19,319
No, no, I'm not gonna say who,
so don't even go there.
54
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:20,399
Fine!
55
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:23,640
David Cameron, Nick Clegg, Alex Salmond.
But you didn't hear that from me.
56
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,320
Wow. You must have amazing dinner parties.
57
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:39,320
She had this incredible laugh.
This giddy, slightly disconcerting laugh.
58
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,520
- Her name was...
- Martha.
59
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,719
But all I could think was,
if all of this is true,
60
00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:46,760
then why can't you afford a cup of tea?
61
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,839
I'd moved to London to fulfil
my lifelong dream of becoming a comedian,
62
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:14,959
but for whatever reason found myself
late twenties, working a dead-end job
63
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,359
and living rent-free
with my ex-girlfriend's mother
64
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,680
in a massive house miles out of town.
65
00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:23,879
I had arrived
with such grand plans to be someone,
66
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:26,319
as though my brand
of wacky, bullshit comedy
67
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,159
was exactly what this world-leading city
was missing.
68
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,760
So I went vegan recently.
69
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:33,720
Had to make some sacrifices.
70
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:38,520
It's a mink hat.
71
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:42,720
But instead of actual mink,
it's a mink stapled to a hat.
72
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:46,639
You're shite!
73
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:49,559
Fucking hell.
74
00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:52,919
But that's the thing with London.
It red-carpets for no one.
75
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,999
It's like waking up one day
to find yourself a background artist
76
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,800
in a cast of millions.
77
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,280
So when someone sees you
through the mire of it all,
78
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:04,240
sees you as the person
you came here to be,
79
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:05,960
you notice them.
80
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,960
You notice them noticing you.
81
00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,360
Every day now,
Martha would come in,
82
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:19,039
each time with new makeup, new hairstyles,
like a kid playing dress-up.
83
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:20,959
She always opened the conversation
by saying...
84
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,039
I've gotta go.
85
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,639
But then would stick around
for the entire shift.
86
00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:27,719
I always thought it was strange
that she painted herself as a busy person,
87
00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:29,239
as though she could trick me
88
00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:31,839
into thinking she's not spending
all of her time hanging around.
89
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:35,199
Got a busy day today.
AGMs, shareholder meets.
90
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,959
Then I'm getting my hair buffed,
so can't chat long.
91
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,319
She always ordered
the same drink every time. A...
92
00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:41,959
Diet Coke. Plenty ice.
93
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,760
I always gave it to her
on the house.
94
00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:47,079
- She never drank her drink.
- I'm representing big clients...
95
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,359
Instead, she would
sit there on autopilot,
96
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:51,559
monologuing breathlessly
about people in her life
97
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,359
without ever explaining who they were.
98
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:54,759
I was talking to Steve earlier.
99
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:56,919
I was chatting to Joan.
Alan was on the phone.
100
00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,959
Like I knew them already.
Like I was already a part of her life.
101
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,999
And when she wasn't speaking about them
102
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,119
or her law firm
or all the famous people she knew,
103
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,800
she would sit there talking about me.
104
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,079
You've got really manly hands,
haven't you?
105
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,999
- Oh yeah?
- Big, deep voice. Chiseled jawline.
106
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,399
Should be illegal
to have your bone structure too.
107
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,760
They should tax you for it.
Man tax.
108
00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,439
Everything about her intrigued me.
109
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:25,519
Her endless confidence,
her weird turn of phrase,
110
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:29,080
the surprising poetry that slipped through
the cracks of her madness.
111
00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:31,119
Shall we run away together?
112
00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:33,439
My birthday's coming up.
Want to do something spesh.
113
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:34,879
Who says I wanna run away?
114
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:38,039
You're already doing it. Some people
run away by packing their bags.
115
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,400
Others run away by standing
in the same place for too long.
116
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:47,920
Sorry.
117
00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:53,240
Woke up a little gravy this morning.
Not sure what's come over me.
118
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,039
Then I would look at her
in her most vulnerable moments,
119
00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,200
and I would start to reimagine her past.
120
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,919
The school balls that no one took her to.
121
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,360
The time she tried on
wedding dresses for fun.
122
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,560
Nights lost on social media
perusing the lives of the rich and famous.
123
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:17,160
So I don't know what it was in me,
but I started paying her compliments.
124
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:20,239
Your birthday's coming up.
Your 21st, is it?
125
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,399
I'm 42!
126
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,839
You're 42? Well, you'd better
give Peter Pan his moisturizer back.
127
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,359
My oh my!
128
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:30,480
You've got a silver tongue on you,
you do, devil boy.
129
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,799
Wouldn't mind teaching you
where to put it.
130
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:37,559
What do you say to picnic fun times
this weekend to celebrate?
131
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,759
The sun's out. Pollen count's low.
132
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,080
You can get a tan
without getting the sniffles.
133
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,320
Sure, I'll come picnic with you.
134
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,799
Oh my!
135
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,959
Picnic fun times
with my favorite reindeer.
136
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,880
Give me your number. We can arrange.
137
00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:58,680
Tell you what,
138
00:07:58,681 --> 00:08:00,760
name the time and the place,
and I'll get you there.
139
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,520
I'll be the one
next to the gorgeous brunette.
140
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,280
Who's that, then?
141
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,319
Oh! You mean me?
142
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,319
I began to love her laugh,
obsess with it,
143
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,599
do everything I could
to eke it out of her.
144
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,519
It was casual. It was harmless.
145
00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,919
It was becoming a joke around the bar.
146
00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:22,439
Oi, Donny. Aren't you gonna introduce us
to your girlfriend?
147
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,079
So is this the one
you've been telling us about?
148
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,479
- The supermodel?
- You said that? Really?
149
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,959
Yeah, so come on, Donny. Out with it.
When are you two gonna shag?
150
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:34,919
Ah, don't believe in sex before marriage.
151
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,359
Aw.
152
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:37,520
What you waiting for?
153
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:39,680
Ask her.
154
00:08:39,681 --> 00:08:42,279
Yeah. Ask her!
155
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:47,160
Ask her! Ask her!
Ask her! Ask her! Ask her!
156
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,560
What, you not asking?
157
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,280
I'm marriage material.
158
00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:56,439
Half of everything makes you rich.
159
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,720
Just bought a penthouse. Furnished.
160
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,600
All I need now
is for someone to hang my curtains.
161
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,399
"Hang her curtains."
162
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,960
Something about it sounded vaguely sexual.
163
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:10,479
I hated lowering myself to their level,
164
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:13,559
but I needed a way out
of that painfully awkward situation.
165
00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:15,600
I'll hang your curtains!
166
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,279
I wanted her to laugh.
167
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:30,120
I wanted her to share in the joke,
but she just didn't.
168
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,640
I knew then, in that moment,
169
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,440
that she'd taken it seriously.
170
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,239
Then came her emails,
171
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:54,120
around 80 a day,
continuing long into the night.
172
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:59,199
Her address, a random series
of numbers and letters, like spam,
173
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,919
but the writing, exactly like she spoke.
174
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:04,040
Unhesitating, unfiltered.
175
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,680
Unapologetically raw.
176
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,679
There were spelling errors
on words much simpler to spell
177
00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:12,720
than other words she spelled perfectly.
178
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:14,759
The fact she has an iPhone,
179
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:17,680
even though she didn't
when I saw her texting at the bar.
180
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,279
Look what I got, reindeer,
181
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:22,960
ahead of picnic fun times.
182
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,799
Ta-da! A wee-willie hamper.
183
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:30,760
It's got jam and marmalade,
184
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:32,680
croutons,
185
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,279
and champagne, too, if that's your tipple.
186
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,599
I don't drink myself,
but you're absolutely welcome
187
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,880
to pour it on my chest
and lick it from me.
188
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:45,000
What's the matter?
189
00:10:45,001 --> 00:10:48,239
No, nothing. It's just you've...
you've spent quite a lot here.
190
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,479
Well, it's a special birthday this year.
191
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,000
My 43rd, no less.
192
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,240
And I get to spend it with you.
193
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,119
Martha, I think maybe
this isn't such a great idea.
194
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:02,880
What? No picnic fun times?
195
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:06,080
No, I... I don't think so.
196
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:10,200
Really? Why?
I've just gone and bought a quilt too.
197
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,919
It's extra soft
so you don't get pimples from the grass.
198
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:19,640
Well, picnics, that's...
that's kind of what lovers do, you know?
199
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:21,520
Oh.
200
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:27,440
Well, what do friends do?
201
00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:29,559
I don't know.
202
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:31,440
- A coffee or something.
- Coffee's good.
203
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,920
- Do you know what you're having?
- Well, I want the Scotch broth.
204
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:00,759
Trying to figure out
if it's on the menu or not.
205
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,800
Um, I don't see it on the m...
206
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,240
Oh. Very good.
207
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,600
Well? Is it on the menu?
208
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,440
Uh, no, I'm afraid not.
209
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,720
You'll find it in the specials though.
210
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,359
The specials.
211
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:37,279
Wow, that is some laugh.
212
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,000
Yeah, I get that all the time.
213
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,240
Chuckles Buckles, my dad used to call me.
214
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,840
With his big hands.
215
00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:49,359
Well, do you have a volume dial?
Can I turn you down a bit?
216
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,000
You'd have to turn me on first.
217
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,800
So, are you serious about me?
218
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,920
I can take it. Just be honest.
219
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:06,279
I mean, I've overseen
some of the biggest cases in the world.
220
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:08,080
Hollywood. You name it.
221
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,120
I can handle anything.
222
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:15,520
Be a shame though, obviously,
what with the... with the curtains,
223
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:17,120
getting my hopes up.
224
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:19,720
But I'd work through it.
225
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:22,840
I'd work through it.
226
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:25,919
Uh...
227
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,280
Yes, I'm... I'm... I'm serious about you.
228
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,719
- No, don't! Oh my God.
229
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:35,079
Wait. As a friend, okay? As a friend.
230
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,120
Friends
231
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:38,120
with benefits.
232
00:13:38,121 --> 00:13:39,480
Just friends.
233
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,839
- Can I get you guys anything?
- Uh, yeah.
234
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,959
- I'll have an Americano, please.
- Yep.
235
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,279
- I'll just have a tap water.
Sure.
236
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,679
- Uh, you're not having anything?
- I can't afford it.
237
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:49,759
I'll get it. Just...
238
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,159
Oh. Okay.
239
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,319
Uh, can I have a croissant, a flapjack,
240
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,999
and a chocolate brownie and a coffee?
241
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,680
Sure. What kind of coffee?
242
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:06,520
Decaf. Perfect.
I'll grab those for you now. Thanks.
243
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:11,800
So, um,
244
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:13,959
how did you get my email?
245
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,440
Oh. Off your website.
246
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,720
You shouldn't have it on there.
Any so-and-so could get it.
247
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:22,039
- Yeah, I'm starting to realize that.
- So you're a comedian?
248
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,720
Sort of.
249
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:25,360
It's not going well.
250
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:28,559
Is that a question?
251
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:31,559
No. I can tell these things.
It's not going well.
252
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,239
That's not true, actually, so...
253
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,919
I saw some of your comedy videos online.
I thought they were shite.
254
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,399
- Well, I've moved on a bit now.
- Offensive too.
255
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,079
- It's satire.
- Thin satire.
256
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,200
Sorry, are you a critic?
257
00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,640
Here you are.
- Oh. Thank you.
258
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:49,720
Listen, Martha.
259
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,119
Can you promise me
you won't tell anyone at the pub
260
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:54,640
about those online videos?
261
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:58,280
Stop it! You should be proud.
262
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,680
You're chasing your dreams.
263
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,960
Yeah, no, I get that. It's just...
264
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:05,760
What is it?
265
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:10,160
I spent my life
dreaming of becoming a comedian. I just...
266
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:14,599
I didn't realize
it was gonna be so fucking hard.
267
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,639
Hardness can be good though, too, no?
268
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,480
Yeah, I know. It's just...
269
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:24,840
I, like... I used to think my dreams
would lead to happiness, but...
270
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,760
now it almost feels
like this choice between the two.
271
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,640
Somebody hurt you, didn't they?
272
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:44,040
I can tell.
273
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:46,840
You're like a warrior
274
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,320
with a chink in the armor.
275
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,480
Like a wounding of some kind.
276
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:55,400
Was it a woman?
277
00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:58,880
A heartbreak?
278
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,000
No, I'm fine.
279
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,680
That's what a warrior would say.
280
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:08,120
But I can see you're bleeding.
281
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:11,640
Deep wounds.
282
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:14,760
Who was it?
283
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,119
Martha, can you
let go of my hand now, please?
284
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:19,759
- I want names.
Martha, please.
285
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:20,720
Names.
286
00:16:20,721 --> 00:16:22,079
- Martha, please.
Names.
287
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:25,680
Martha, please, let go!
- Don't! Don't you dare!
288
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:36,959
Is everything all right here?
289
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:37,960
Um,
290
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:39,560
yeah, we're fine.
291
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,599
We're... we're fine. Honest.
292
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,640
Can I get you guys anything else, or...
293
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:46,440
Just the bill.
294
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:54,439
- What way are you walking?
- Uh, this way.
295
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:55,960
I'm this way.
296
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:58,400
Thanks for the brownie.
297
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,519
I knew
she wasn't a millionaire lawyer,
298
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:17,360
but seeing her madness play out like that
left me with this sense of unease.
299
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:23,480
Who was this woman,
and what did she see in me?
300
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:45,200
Fuck! Shit!
301
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,919
I sometimes question what would
have happened had I not followed her,
302
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:13,319
just turned around and went home.
303
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,600
Whether that is where
this whole ordeal might have ended.
304
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,280
Maybe some part of me
wanted to get caught.
305
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,759
Maybe some part of me wanted to see
where it all might take me.
306
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:25,799
Okay, guys, it's been
a fantastic competition so far.
307
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,400
Loads of acts vying for a place
in the semifinals.
308
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,559
Keep that energy up,
and please welcome to the stage,
309
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:34,959
your next act, Donny Dunn!
310
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:38,479
Okay! Good. All right,
let me just quickly chuck this down.
311
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,320
Ooh. Set up the gig.
312
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:43,639
Just unzip the old bagarooney.
313
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:44,799
Okay, good. Woo!
314
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,200
All right. Ooh.
315
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:48,800
Bang! Yes. All right. Cool.
316
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:51,840
That's...
317
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,680
Now, I know what you're thinking.
318
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:56,920
Venus Williams has let herself go.
319
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,679
Oh, sorry. God, no. I said the wrong name.
Sorry, it's new material.
320
00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:08,719
I'll just grab my notebook out, and I'll...
321
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,639
I'll do it again.
Okay, let's just... Here it is. Ha.
322
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,279
So I know what you're thinking.
323
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,880
Serena Williams has let herself go.
324
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:23,839
Okay, cool. That didn't work.
Let's move on.
325
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,520
- Um...
326
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:37,560
Uh, one laugh. If you could
move around the room, that'd be great.
327
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:41,800
Jesus, can't take my mum anywhere, eh?
328
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,480
Um...
329
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:53,520
What's your name?
330
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:56,040
Martha.
331
00:20:56,041 --> 00:20:58,920
Hello, Martha.
Is your spaceship parked outside?
332
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,360
Yeah, outside.
333
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,480
Want to go for a ride
back to my home planet?
334
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,719
Your home planet?
A planet where people find me funnier?
335
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:10,720
I'm sold!
336
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,520
And where is your home planet?
337
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:16,520
Belsize Park.
338
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:22,640
Um, and so, out of interest,
when you say your spaceship, you mean...
339
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:24,920
A Fiat Punto.
340
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:30,279
Brilliant. Ladies and gentlemen,
it ain't gonna get much better than that.
341
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:31,599
Jesus, Jesus.
342
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:34,559
Come on. All right, so, you know...
343
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:35,599
I can sing, you know?
344
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,239
Oh, well, people haven't come here
for singing, so...
345
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:39,959
Aw, let her sing!
346
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:41,839
Go on! Let her sing!
No.
347
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,359
Come on, let her sing! Let her sing!
348
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:47,119
Okay, fine, sod it. Go on, then.
349
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:48,440
Wahey!
Whoo!
350
00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:01,520
Nancy Sinatra,
what the hell are you doing here?
351
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,400
Do you know any Slipknot?
352
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,399
I would let you sing more,
but can't handle you upstaging me.
353
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,199
A round of applause
for Martha, everyone. Yes!
354
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,479
Ha-ha! Brilliant.
355
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:21,319
Absolutely brilliant. Cool.
356
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:24,799
Um, I've always thought that song
was really weird, actually.
357
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,879
They could have said
something really stupid like,
358
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,679
"Then I go and spoil it all
by saying something stupid like,
359
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:31,080
'Hitler was misunderstood.'"
360
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,600
So I went vegan recently.
361
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,240
Had to make some sacrifices.
362
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:54,520
Met a new girlfriend.
She's a real spring chicken. Come on!
363
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:59,239
Yep, gives great head.
Oh no, no, no, no, no.
364
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,160
Good. We're rocking and rolling.
Good, good.
365
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:18,879
Fucking hell.
366
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,119
How'd you do that?
367
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:21,279
- What?
- Just appear.
368
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,280
You're like... Ninja Cat.
369
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,920
That was fun stuff tonight.
You deserved your win.
370
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:29,999
Better than that shit online.
371
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:31,839
Thanks, I think.
372
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,999
All the props and the gadgets and stuff.
373
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,160
So funny, reindeer.
374
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:42,040
You have it in your bones,
this comedy lark, don't you?
375
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:44,520
Thank you.
376
00:23:44,521 --> 00:23:45,760
Oh, don't thank me.
377
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:47,560
Thank yourself.
378
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:49,120
Thank your bones.
379
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:53,560
Look.
380
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:58,439
About yesterday,
when I was outside.
381
00:23:58,440 --> 00:23:59,999
I shouldn't have followed you. I was...
382
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,600
Oh, no, don't be silly.
383
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:04,000
I don't begrudge you a peep.
384
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:07,040
Just come in for a plate next time.
385
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:09,320
I'll cook you my special dish.
386
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:12,880
What's your special dish?
387
00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:15,160
Beef curtains.
388
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:22,560
Fucking hell.
389
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:26,800
You're utterly mad, aren't you?
390
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:30,760
Oh!
391
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,000
Uh...
392
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:41,640
If you had a superpower, what would it be?
393
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:44,520
Uh...
394
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,480
I'd wanna know what people were thinking,
395
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:51,640
rather than just guessing all the time.
396
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,960
What? Are you worried
people think bad of you or something?
397
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,400
No. I'm worried
they don't think about me at all.
398
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,000
- Mine's weird.
- I expect nothing less.
399
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:08,720
Do you ever, like,
400
00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:11,280
want to unzip people
401
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:13,880
and climb inside them?
402
00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:16,360
Hmm.
403
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:19,280
Can't say it's an impulse
I've had very often, no.
404
00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:22,519
I wish humans had a chin zip.
405
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:25,840
One that would open
all the way to their bellies.
406
00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:29,880
I'd just unzip them and tuck myself away.
407
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:34,559
Is this you asking me for my skin suit?
408
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:38,319
Yes, I'd wear you like a onesie.
409
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:42,640
Oh my God.
Snuggle away inside you all winter.
410
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:44,840
Ah, that'd be nice.
411
00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:47,680
I'd miss biscuits though.
412
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,080
Well, um, I tell you what,
413
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:55,240
give me a list of the ones you like,
414
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,080
and every now and again,
when nobody's looking,
415
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,199
I'll unzip my chin
and pop some biscuits inside for you.
416
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:02,999
- How does that sound?
417
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,880
Best of both worlds! Oh my God.
418
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:08,600
Oh my God.
419
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:11,000
The tongue on you.
420
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:30,440
Uh...
421
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:46,840
I love you.
422
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:52,079
Oh... Um...
423
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:53,080
Oh no.
424
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:56,119
- As a friend. Like you said.
- Yeah. No.
425
00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:58,439
- Sorry.
- I've said too much, haven't I?
426
00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:02,759
Oh my God. Stupid.
Stupid fucking moron gob!
427
00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:04,559
No, no, don't do that, okay?
Don't do that.
428
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,880
It's fine, all right? It's fine.
Don't do that, okay? Please, just...
429
00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:18,840
I have a sneaky feeling
you might be the death of me.
430
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:29,560
Z-z-z-z-zip.
431
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:35,000
Boop.
432
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:45,959
I sat there for hours
taking it all in.
433
00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:47,719
Piecing together her whole timeline.
434
00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:51,239
Her graduate job. How she got fired
for inappropriate behavior with the boss.
435
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,839
How she started hanging around
outside his house,
436
00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:57,799
then falsely reporting him to the police
for abusing his disabled child.
437
00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:00,119
This other time
she attacked his mother in the street.
438
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,320
Her four-and-a-half-year prison sentence.
439
00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:16,479
I had a convicted stalker
stalking me.
440
00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:19,439
I had a convicted stalker stalking me.
441
00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:23,560
I had a convicted stalker stalking me.
33986
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