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1
00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:02,136
MAX: Previously
on "2 Broke Girls"...
2
00:00:02,170 --> 00:00:05,239
I am choosing to take
this disaster as a sign,
3
00:00:05,273 --> 00:00:07,075
and while they're
rebuilding this place
4
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:10,211
I'm gonna go surprise Randy
and try to rebuild us!
5
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:12,046
Fine, use my car,
6
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:14,515
but I'm going to be driving it.
I'm coming with you.
7
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:16,750
I finally got
the gas pedal extension
8
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:17,685
where I like it.
9
00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:19,520
I'll just call AAA.
10
00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:21,122
Cool.
Later, hater.
11
00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:22,690
HAN:
Wait, you're really leaving?
12
00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:26,094
Who leaves someone
on the side of the road
13
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:26,794
in the middle of nowhere?
14
00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:28,296
My friend, Sloppy Joe,
15
00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:29,730
has a one-engine plane.
16
00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:31,665
He might be able to fly y'all
all the way to LA.
17
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,801
Well, that's a wrap
on the first day of filming
18
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,069
here in Austin, Texas.
19
00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:37,205
So Randy's not in Los Angeles?
20
00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:38,506
He's in Texas?
21
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,674
Wow, you're a bad stalker, Max.
22
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:43,277
There's two things
the Slop won't do.
23
00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:45,479
Alert the proper authorities
of my flight pattern
24
00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:48,082
or step foot in Texas.
25
00:00:48,116 --> 00:00:49,083
I'll drop you here.
26
00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:50,151
[both scream]
27
00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:52,453
[thunder crashes]
28
00:00:55,323 --> 00:00:57,491
When I agreed
to follow you cross-country
29
00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:59,227
to chase your ex-boyfriend,
30
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:02,096
I didn't realize
I'd be thrown out of a plane,
31
00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:04,198
scavenging for my belongings
32
00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:06,467
and fighting a snake
for my favorite pants.
33
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:07,835
[snake rattles and hisses]
34
00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:10,204
You can have them, sir!
35
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:12,573
Ah!
Found my toothbrush.
36
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:16,244
[gasps]
Max, that's disgusting.
37
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,312
Oh, you're right.
This isn't mine.
38
00:01:18,346 --> 00:01:20,881
[gasps]
Ah, found a purse...
39
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,284
[gasps]
Under this syringe.
40
00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:24,585
Anything in there?
41
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:26,187
Uh...
42
00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:27,855
nah, pretty tapped out,
43
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:29,357
which is too bad
44
00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:31,292
'cause you could use
a two-day heroin nap.
45
00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:32,726
I meant my bag.
46
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,295
Look what else survived!
47
00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:35,263
Ah-ha!
48
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:38,532
My Popchips!
49
00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:41,769
Only to meet an unfortunate end.
50
00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:43,871
Oh, no, Max, my wallet.
51
00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:46,207
Mm, yeah, I know.
You've aged a lot
52
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,341
since that license picture.
53
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:49,177
No, it's gone.
54
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,478
All of our cash
55
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:52,646
and our credit cards
were in there.
56
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,548
What are we gonna do?
I'm freaking out.
57
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:56,817
Nah, nah, nah, calm down.
58
00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:59,653
Caroline will
get us out of this.
59
00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:02,190
Oh, wait.
You're Caroline.
60
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,757
I'm calling the diner for help.
61
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:06,760
[phone rings, chimes]
CAROLINE: Han... [garbled]
62
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:09,497
Caroline, we don't have
a good connection,
63
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:12,233
and not just because
we're dueling Scorpios.
64
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:13,634
Peek-a-boo!
65
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:16,570
-I see you!
-[laughing]
66
00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:17,738
Oleg.
67
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:19,807
All right, now do it
with Barbara.
68
00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:27,515
Han, we had
all of our belongings
69
00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:29,617
thrown out of a private plane.
70
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,452
HAN: Caroline,
you're cutting out.
71
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:35,356
All I heard was "private plane."
Brag much?
72
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,658
No, we need to get to Texas,
73
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:41,595
so can you please put $500
in my PayPal account?
74
00:02:41,629 --> 00:02:44,465
What?
You have $500?
75
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:45,933
Did I call you to gloat
76
00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:48,569
when I bought
this snazzy new vest?
77
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:49,970
I'm putting you on speaker.
78
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,805
[phone beeps]
CAROLINE: Private plane...
79
00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:54,342
Have...credit card...
80
00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:55,409
[cell phone beeping]
81
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:56,777
We lost her.
82
00:02:56,810 --> 00:03:00,248
Or maybe her butler
snatched her phone from her.
83
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:01,282
[quietly]
Oh, God.
84
00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:03,551
He hung up.
85
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:06,454
Max, can we just go back to that
terrible place we call home?
86
00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:09,357
That mountain lion
is wearing my new blouse.
87
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:11,792
-And here she comes!
-[gasps]
88
00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:15,563
Keep the tags on
if you wanna return it.
89
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,665
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
90
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,433
[cash register bell dings]
91
00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:24,738
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
92
00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:29,577
I'm calling
the credit card company
93
00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:30,678
to send us new cards.
94
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,513
They're used to hearing me cry.
95
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,014
So is the unfortunate family
96
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,949
that sat behind us
at "Zootopia."
97
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:38,852
If animals can all get along,
so can we.
98
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:41,355
Look, once we get our cards,
99
00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:43,257
we'll be on our way
to Randy in Texas--
100
00:03:43,291 --> 00:03:45,626
and what was in this
for me again?
101
00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,461
5 1/2 near-death experiences?
102
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:52,733
[crying] Hi, Visa.
It's me, Caroline.
103
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:55,969
My cards were stolen.
104
00:03:57,505 --> 00:03:59,607
I've seen backs of vans
105
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:00,974
with better candy selections.
106
00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:04,478
This is a disgrace
to the name Gas and Gobble.
107
00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:06,714
How do you even wake up
in the morning?
108
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,649
My alligator licks my face.
109
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,851
Oh, my God, Max.
110
00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:13,787
Whoever stole our credit cards
maxed them out.
111
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:16,490
They spent the $1,500
we had left.
112
00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:17,825
No way.
113
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,560
Someone just spent $1,500
114
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,061
on phone cards and cigarettes.
115
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,963
His name was Caroline Channing.
116
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:24,432
[gasps]
What?
117
00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:25,633
That's my name!
118
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,635
Ah, you got a dude's name.
119
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:30,504
Ugh, we were robbed.
Police!
120
00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:31,972
BOTH: Where!
121
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:34,642
Max, I am tired
and I'm hungry
122
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:35,943
and I can't find a mirror,
123
00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:38,779
but I am sensing a disturbance
in my hair.
124
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:40,648
We have to go home!
125
00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:42,583
But we have to go to Texas.
126
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:43,917
Randy needs me.
127
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,886
He's saying it
on his Snapchat story.
128
00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:48,789
Still on the movie set.
129
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:50,758
Pretty lonely,
so if anyone would respond
130
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:51,992
to my Words With Friends
request,
131
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,561
I promise to let you win,
132
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:55,796
and if you're ever in Texas...
133
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,064
why?
134
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:01,802
See?
He's begging me to come there.
135
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:04,738
But we have no money
to get to Texas.
136
00:05:04,772 --> 00:05:06,306
Wrong.
137
00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:10,811
I've got $11 in this one
138
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:15,015
and $32 in this one.
139
00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,818
Lefty's been holding back
as per usual.
140
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:20,754
So your 43 boob dollars
141
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:22,089
are gonna get us to Texas?
142
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:24,758
Don't rule out
my roll of butt quarters.
143
00:05:24,792 --> 00:05:26,126
Sweaty but ready.
144
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,895
All right,
can y'all folks lock up?
145
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,897
I got to make a riverboat
146
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:31,432
before it takes off
to New Orleans.
147
00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:33,100
My cousin Tim put
a voodoo curse on me.
148
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,102
I got to talk to him
about removing it.
149
00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:36,704
Caroline,
150
00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:39,407
New Orleans is close to Texas.
151
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,443
The Hamburglar says so
on my McDonald's placemat,
152
00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:43,444
and he would never lie
153
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:46,113
unless it's about stealing
delicious hamburgers.
154
00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:48,816
I'm confused.
Do you want hamburgers
155
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:50,050
or do you wanna
take that riverboat?
156
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:52,586
Obviously, the dream scenario
is both.
157
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,791
Ah, thank you very much.
158
00:05:57,825 --> 00:05:59,793
Max, people have tickets.
159
00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:01,462
You have to pay to get on this--
160
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:05,599
what I'm positive will be
my sixth near-death experience.
161
00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:06,967
So bend over and unclench.
162
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,936
We need those butt quarters.
163
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,505
Who are you?
My mother at a church carnival?
164
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,575
Have your tickets ready, please.
165
00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:17,010
All we have to do
is act like we belong.
166
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:20,881
Do I at least get to have
an adorable Southern accent?
167
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:22,082
No accent.
168
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,884
[mimics Southern accent]
Well, I do declare
169
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:27,020
that is mighty disappointing.
170
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,623
Just follow my lead.
It's time to touch strangers.
171
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:32,926
Hey, you got a permit
for those guns?
172
00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:38,065
Well, I say,
173
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:40,468
you got a permit for
174
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,402
that light-up yo-yo?
175
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,572
I have a girlfriend.
176
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,675
Keep walking, buster.
177
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:57,217
Max, the riverboat doesn't get
to New Orleans for two days
178
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,052
and we have nowhere to sleep.
179
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:00,554
Ooh, but there is
180
00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:02,990
a "Whittle Your Own Banjo"
workshop at 5:00.
181
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,992
I have whittle-to-no interest
in that.
182
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:08,095
Ooh, it says they have
the loosest slots around.
183
00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:10,163
I guess the Darby sisters
from my hometown are here.
184
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:12,833
I did see a bunch
of lounge chairs
185
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,201
over by the swamp exhibit.
186
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:15,869
I guess we could
sleep there tonight,
187
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,104
and then the next night,
188
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,839
well, hopefully we'll be dead.
189
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,541
[thumping]
Come on, red!
190
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,042
[gasps] Max, no!
That's all of our money!
191
00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:23,076
No more bets.
192
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,546
Oh, that is so stupid,
193
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:26,847
and not cute stupid like
194
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,716
when you thought
Velcro grew in nature.
195
00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:30,217
And red is the winner.
196
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:33,086
Well, rootin' tootin'!
197
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,189
I always bet on red
because my last name's Black,
198
00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:37,625
and that's ah-not been a winner.
199
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,627
Okay, now that we've
doubled our money,
200
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:40,894
-maybe we should stop.
-Come on, red!
201
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:41,962
[gasps]
202
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:43,597
-No more bets.
-No!
203
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:46,066
I didn't even get to touch it
before you lost it.
204
00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:47,801
Why do you hate having things?
205
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:49,202
Red again.
206
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:52,506
Just call me Al Roker
'cause I'm making it rain.
207
00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:56,109
Max, we're winning at something.
208
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:58,946
Don't just stand there
looking pretty, toots.
209
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,080
Order daddy some wings.
210
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:03,551
Oh, my God, I look pretty
211
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:06,520
and I get to flag down
a waitress.
212
00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:07,220
Waitress!
213
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:09,089
I'll have a sarsaparilla
214
00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:10,724
and some wings for big daddy.
215
00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:11,859
[cell phone ringing]
216
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,761
[gasps]
Sophie's calling.
217
00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:15,195
Pfft, like I'm gonna get it.
218
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,801
Well, Caroline's not answering.
219
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,936
Executive decision.
220
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:25,739
Horses can eat
a bunch of pudding.
221
00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:28,809
My cousin from Chernobyl
had a dog this size.
222
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,243
He had three legs.
223
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:32,746
My cousin, not the dog.
224
00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:36,617
Something good did
come out of Chernobyl.
225
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:38,085
Excuse me?
226
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,953
How much do you charge
for pictures with him?
227
00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:41,855
Oh, it depends.
228
00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:44,625
How nude do you want him?
229
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,059
Ew.
230
00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:47,661
We mean for our kids...
231
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:48,796
with the horse.
232
00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:52,132
I don't think
the "ew" was necessary.
233
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:54,702
You don't know
what you're missing.
234
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:57,771
I mean, we're just walking him
for our friend.
235
00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:58,972
We'll give you $10 each.
236
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,774
Sold to the woman who...
237
00:09:00,808 --> 00:09:03,210
[chuckles wryly]
"Doesn't" wanna see me naked.
238
00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:13,887
Come on, 18!
239
00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:16,924
Which is also the title
of my adult film debut.
240
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,358
Mine would have been called,
241
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,193
"Might As Well,
I'm 24."
242
00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:22,896
Excuse me, Mr. Moustache?
243
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:25,999
Could you stop feeling my ankle
with your toes?
244
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,937
I guess that's a no.
245
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,905
-Oh, 18 winner.
-[gasps]
246
00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:33,807
We won!
I'm rich!
247
00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,208
Now you have no shot with me.
248
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,945
Stay close, sweet cakes.
You're good luck.
249
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,714
Here, buddy.
Buy yourself some new sandals,
250
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,750
and a round of mouthwash
for the table.
251
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:45,018
All right, place your bets.
252
00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:47,755
I placed mine
on a liberal arts degree.
253
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:48,856
That's why I'm here.
254
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:50,958
[thumping]
Let it ride.
255
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:53,093
Max, maybe we should quit
while we're ahead
256
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,762
since we've never been before.
257
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,229
Aren't you worried
that we might...
258
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,397
18 again!
259
00:09:57,430 --> 00:10:00,367
Keep winning and never die!
260
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,835
Let's go with four.
261
00:10:01,869 --> 00:10:03,804
The number of men
who have flashed me
262
00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:05,205
since I've been
on this riverboat.
263
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,140
Lucky four!
264
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:09,376
No more bets.
265
00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:12,212
[horn blows]
all: Whoa!
266
00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:14,381
Who's driving this thing?
267
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:15,649
Gary Busey?
268
00:10:15,683 --> 00:10:18,318
Oh, four.
No winners.
269
00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:20,988
Yes, winners.
We had four,
270
00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:22,690
but then the boat
moved our chips.
271
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,391
Yeah, and it also
spilled my soda.
272
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:27,394
So like I said:
No winners.
273
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:28,862
Sure, we lost all our money,
274
00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:30,898
but at least you got
to see some dongs.
275
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:36,737
Hey, Sophie, it's me Car--ah!
276
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,005
I fall for her...
277
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:39,740
[mimics Sophie]
"Hello, this is Sophie"
278
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:42,009
outgoing message
every time.
279
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:44,945
We need them to send that money.
280
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,680
Oh, thank God.
Hi, Sophie, it's--
281
00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:48,181
[screams]
282
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:50,984
What's going on here?
283
00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:53,320
Are you selling pony rides
with Chestnut?
284
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:56,990
Yes, but you got to wait in line
with the other kids.
285
00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,292
No, you don't, buddy.
286
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,761
Up you go, champ.
287
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:03,764
Get your hands off me!
288
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:07,768
I don't want my picture taken!
289
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:09,169
Right now.
290
00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:12,105
The girls asked me
to make sure you're feeding him,
291
00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:14,307
and here you are pimping him out
292
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:15,709
like...
293
00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:17,377
this isn't my wheelhouse.
294
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:18,746
Famous pimps, anyone?
295
00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,147
What?
296
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,482
How dare they not trust us.
297
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,318
This stops now!
298
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,821
Unless your boy, Han,
299
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,790
gets a little taste
of the horse-play.
300
00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:31,892
Here.
301
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:34,795
What's going on here?
302
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:35,996
Nothing.
303
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,465
I know a shady deal
when I see one.
304
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:42,736
I was one of the loudest voices
against the Louisiana Purchase.
305
00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:44,872
Earl, what are you even
doing here?
306
00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:46,306
I thought you lived
at the diner.
307
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:49,409
Well, thank God the girls
asked me to check on Han
308
00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:50,878
checking on you too
309
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,345
'cause now this black male
310
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,147
is about to blackmail you.
311
00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:55,282
[gasps]
312
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,150
Okay, Earl's in too.
313
00:11:57,184 --> 00:12:00,020
At a lesser percentage
because odds are
314
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,055
he'll forget about all of this
momentarily.
315
00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:05,058
- Excuse me, manager.
316
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,426
We've been wronged,
317
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:08,128
and not just generally by life.
318
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:09,963
I don't know who to complain to
about that.
319
00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:12,499
Is there a problem over here?
320
00:12:12,532 --> 00:12:13,867
I'm the pit boss.
321
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:15,769
I also do the mentalist show
322
00:12:15,803 --> 00:12:16,970
in the John Wilkes Booth
Ballroom.
323
00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:18,939
Still lots of tickets available.
324
00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:20,841
Yes, there's a problem here.
325
00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:22,342
We just got cheated
out of our winnings,
326
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:24,912
and I was already cheated
out of much of my 20s,
327
00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:27,280
but again,
probably not your department.
328
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:30,784
Why don't I send a complimentary
bottle of champagne
329
00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:31,885
to your room?
330
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:33,453
And by "champagne" I mean wine,
331
00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:34,955
and by "bottle" I mean box.
332
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:37,791
Uh, you know what?
We'll take it here.
333
00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:40,127
Would there happen to be
a 7 Eleven merlot?
334
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:43,363
Max, wine in our room
sounds so much better.
335
00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:44,998
We can relax
336
00:12:45,032 --> 00:12:46,800
and focus on each other
for once.
337
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,435
Mm, great.
What's the room number?
338
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,138
Oh.
339
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:54,541
I think she means oh-six.
340
00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:56,009
I don't think so.
341
00:12:56,043 --> 00:12:57,978
That room is still
an active crime scene.
342
00:12:58,011 --> 00:12:59,346
[clears throat]
343
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:01,014
Stowaways, huh?
344
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:02,315
I'll have the Coast Guard
come and pick you up.
345
00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:04,284
They're already coming
for that guy.
346
00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:05,953
I didn't wanna
strip my clothes off
347
00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:06,987
and try to drive the boat.
348
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:08,321
It was that voodoo curse.
349
00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:09,923
Damn you, Tim!
350
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:13,593
Look, dude,
if you're really a mentalist,
351
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:16,496
you'll know that I need to get
to Texas to see my boyfriend.
352
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,031
[grunts]
353
00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:20,167
I can tell that
you're telling the truth.
354
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,336
Please, there has got to be
a way we can work something out.
355
00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:24,304
We'll do anything.
356
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:27,240
Well, she will.
I'll do over the shirt stuff.
357
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,175
Your shirt.
358
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:31,044
If you take off that hat.
359
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,318
Is there anywhere in the world
360
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:41,521
where I don't have
to be a waitress?
361
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:42,990
Hooters?
362
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,292
Thanks.
363
00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:55,002
I'm a cocktail waitress
on the Mississippi River.
364
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:56,236
This is a worse vacation
365
00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:58,338
than the one
with Ed Helms in it.
366
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:00,607
[grunts, chuckles]
Sorry, sir.
367
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:01,975
Looking for some cell service.
368
00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:03,310
Hey, why don't I sit in your lap
369
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,478
and you can drive me around?
Two birds, one stone?
370
00:14:08,315 --> 00:14:11,518
[scoffs] I wasn't
that attracted to you anyway.
371
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,587
I'm gonna go try
to find some reception.
372
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,656
Seeing Randy miserable is
the only thing
373
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,058
that'll cheer me up right now.
374
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:19,559
[gasps]
Maybe he's crying.
375
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:25,165
One vodka for the gentleman
with the neck tattoo,
376
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,400
and two vodkas for the lady
377
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,302
who's into that sort of thing.
378
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,172
[gasps]
Thank you.
379
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,573
Your catfish tower's on its way.
380
00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:36,409
It takes two to carry
the cocktail sauce lagoon.
381
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,248
Everything on double-zero.
382
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:43,650
Which has to be the Yelp rating
of this boat.
383
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,052
Excuse me?
384
00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:47,154
Could I get
a white wine spritzer?
385
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:51,558
Oh, come on, Vera.
We share a locker.
386
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:52,692
Oh, double-zero.
387
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:53,927
-[gasps]
-Winner.
388
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,628
Yes, I'm a winner again!
389
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:57,364
Suck it, river people.
390
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,366
What is going on over here?
391
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,434
Employees are not allowed
to gamble.
392
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:04,137
Or, as of last week,
sexually harass each other.
393
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:05,305
Thanks a lot, Craig.
394
00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:08,141
Ugh.
395
00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:09,709
Poindexter in the radio room
396
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,644
wouldn't let me use
the satellite phone.
397
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:14,014
Also, I broke
your satellite phone.
398
00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:16,016
That is it.
You're fired.
399
00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:18,085
That's the worst news I've heard
400
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:19,552
since you said "you're hired."
401
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,990
There's a tug coming
to swap out the toilet tanks.
402
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:24,557
I am putting you two on it.
403
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:26,159
As captains?
404
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,495
Or should I say, crap-tains?
405
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,200
Hey, everybody!
406
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:37,570
I got spinning wheels
for Barbara's carriage.
407
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:40,707
Now's it's not just her attitude
408
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:41,941
that's gangster.
409
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:47,314
Uh...can y'all keep it down,
please?
410
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:50,283
I'm trying to set up
my new wireless headphones.
411
00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:53,320
Gonna make my WalkMan
sound amazing.
412
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,288
This is ridiculous.
413
00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:57,090
I'm trying to keep things
on the down-low,
414
00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:59,692
and you three went
on the biggest shopping spree
415
00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:02,395
since Ellen
at a Men's Wearhouse sale.
416
00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:04,731
Oh, wait a minute.
417
00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:06,399
Wait a minute.
418
00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:10,603
Han, why are you taller
than the counter?
419
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:14,641
Just been eating right
and getting enough sleep.
420
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:17,477
Yeah, something's weird.
421
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:20,513
You're almost the height
of an adult penguin.
422
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:24,184
Fine!
I treated myself to lifts.
423
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:28,555
I was sick of being nose to butt
with everyone on the subway.
424
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:31,024
Check out Caroline's Instagram.
425
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:32,659
Looks like they're
in more trouble than I was
426
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,694
the last time I tried
to put on overalls.
427
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:39,232
Ooh, they're on a tugboat
filled with toilets,
428
00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,334
and she writes, "Help.
429
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:44,204
Please send money."
430
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:45,672
So...
431
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:46,573
quick unfollow?
432
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:50,543
Or sleep on it
and pow-wow in the morning?
433
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,779
No. We have to help them.
434
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:55,615
I lost the cord
to these headphones anyway.
435
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,555
Oh, still got toilet boat legs.
436
00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:07,360
Ugh, this place reeks of bait.
437
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:10,297
Oh, no, wait. That was me.
My mouth was open.
438
00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:11,431
More importantly,
439
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,100
I finally have enough bars
on my phone
440
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:14,501
to stalk Randy on Snapchat.
441
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:17,537
Oh, great!
All of our problems are solved,
442
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:20,140
except for food, money,
and a place to sleep.
443
00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:22,209
So negative.
444
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:24,411
Have you not seen
the sneeze-guard-less
445
00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:27,114
bait shop salad bar?
446
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,681
Speaking of pathetic,
447
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:31,684
let me just check in
on poor Randy.
448
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:34,321
Just another lonely night
here in Texas...
449
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,156
with all my new best friends!
450
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:37,590
-ALL: Hey!
-Ha-ha!
451
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,294
Hey! I was up next for Twister!
452
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:42,395
Classic Jake.
453
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:43,763
-Hey!
-Hey!
454
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:47,800
Ha. I'm sure he's
just putting on a happy face.
455
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,337
That's obviously the only way
to handle Jake.
456
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:53,340
Deep down, I can tell
he's genuinely upset.
457
00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:55,742
I'm just genuinely happy
right now.
458
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:02,582
Ugh, this salad bar stinks.
459
00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:04,851
No, wait. That's me again.
460
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:06,186
[phone chimes]
461
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:07,754
[gasps]
Oh, my God, Max!
462
00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:10,490
The diner people put money
in our PayPal account!
463
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,259
They say it's from Chestnut,
464
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:15,795
but he's not allowed on the
Internet when we're not home.
465
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,330
I can't believe it.
466
00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:18,565
Me neither.
467
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,767
The diner people are
all we have in this world.
468
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,703
And I used to have a closet
just for scarves.
469
00:18:23,736 --> 00:18:26,473
No! That Randy's happy
without me.
470
00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:27,674
What am I doing?
471
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,476
I'm dragging you
all over the country
472
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:31,911
after some guy who isn't even
interested in me anymore.
473
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:35,582
This is my worst idea since I
told DeNiro to stick to comedy.
474
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:37,350
So, what are you saying?
475
00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:39,319
I'm saying this is a mistake.
476
00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:40,553
Let's just go home
like you said
477
00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:42,355
after that hyena
knocked you to the ground
478
00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:43,823
and tried to hump you.
479
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:48,595
Can I get $12 on number four?
480
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:52,632
And on which aisle can I find
tucking tape?
481
00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:59,772
Okay, I will just have
these Slim Jims and a Ho-Ho.
482
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,542
It's not like I have to fit
into couture today.
483
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:05,378
[Caroline gasps]
484
00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:09,949
-Stop hitting me.
-Stop hitting me!
485
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:12,652
Girls, stop fighting.
486
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:15,422
I hate to see women
fighting each other.
487
00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:16,656
Well, unless, of course,
488
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:18,391
it's Hoda and Kathie Lee
489
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:20,493
over the last glass
of chardonnay.
490
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,663
That's RuPaul!
491
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,765
From RuPaul's Drag Race!
492
00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:28,935
We love your show.
We used to watch it
493
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:30,403
through our neighbor Jeff's
window.
494
00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:31,571
But then he met Dean,
495
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,406
and now all they do is
cook naked.
496
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,475
So we just watch that now.
497
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,377
Oh, you poor babies.
498
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:39,546
So, why the cat fight?
499
00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:41,781
Did she steal
your size 12 stilettos?
500
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:44,651
'Cause I would cut a bitch
for that.
501
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,486
We were actually
on our way to Texas
502
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,621
to see if she and her ex could
patch things us.
503
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:50,390
No, we're not going
to Texas.
504
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:51,524
We're going back home.
505
00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:52,759
Sometimes you got
to admit defeat...
506
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:56,629
and that there is a very live
junebug in this macaroni salad.
507
00:19:56,663 --> 00:20:01,301
Oh, no, honey. I do not like
the sound of defeat.
508
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:04,504
You want to know where I'd be
if I'd given up on my dreams?
509
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,506
Living right down the road
510
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,841
managing a Dress Barn,
511
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:12,712
driving 400 miles in a ball gown
to sing karaoke.
512
00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:16,416
I would not be the supermodel
of the world
513
00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:17,984
that I am today,
514
00:20:18,017 --> 00:20:19,486
okay?
515
00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:21,020
Hello.
516
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:25,392
Hey, listen. I'm driving
to Texas if y'all want a ride.
517
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:29,562
Well, shall we sashay away?
518
00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:31,731
You know that's copyrighted.
519
00:20:31,764 --> 00:20:34,834
Say it again,
and you owe me $12,000.
520
00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:38,705
-Aah!
-Ah! Shotgun!
521
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:39,806
I'm sitting next to RuPaul!
522
00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:41,341
No. I'm sitting
next to RuPaul.
523
00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:44,677
* *
524
00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:46,279
(cash register dings)
525
00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:52,352
(rock music)
526
00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:59,526
* *
36865
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