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1
00:00:01,069 --> 00:00:02,103
MAX: Previously on
2 Broke Girls...
2
00:00:02,136 --> 00:00:05,639
The hurricane is headed
right for Williamsburg.
3
00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:07,808
Fedoras are blowing
down the streets,
4
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,510
craft beers are spilling
everywhere,
5
00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:12,546
and indie bands are
cancelling practice.
6
00:00:12,580 --> 00:00:16,250
(wind whistling)
7
00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:18,252
This explains why Randy
isn't here yet.
8
00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:20,121
He's probably stuck
in the store.
9
00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:23,124
He's not answering and it's
going straight to voicemail.
10
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:25,059
He probably blocked you.
11
00:00:25,093 --> 00:00:27,528
We're really broken up.
12
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:29,130
Let's go hug
our dessert bar.
13
00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:31,399
It was probably
so scared.
14
00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:33,734
Oh, my God, Max.
15
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:36,270
Our dessert bar is destroyed.
16
00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:39,140
I think we have to finally
admit it to ourselves.
17
00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:40,541
Ugh, we're cursed.
18
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,843
(water drips)
19
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,545
Yeah, this is personal.
20
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:47,715
Come on, when that gypsy
pointed at me in first grade
21
00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:50,551
and said, "Biggus Boobus,"
that was a curse.
22
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,620
I'm sure we weren't
the only business
23
00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:53,854
that was ruined
by the storm.
24
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,556
We're not cursed.
25
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:56,690
(water drips)
26
00:00:56,724 --> 00:01:00,761
Yeah, now it's starting
to burn.
27
00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:04,165
Well, I am choosing to take
this disaster as a sign.
28
00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:06,500
It's not like we don't
have insurance.
29
00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:08,302
And while they're
rebuilding this place,
30
00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:11,372
I'm gonna go surprise Randy
and try to rebuild us.
31
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,307
You see the parallels?
32
00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:16,110
You get it.
She gets it.
33
00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,179
Girls, did you hear?
34
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:20,748
Turns out only one business
in the entire area
35
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,383
was affected by the storm.
36
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,452
I wonder which one--
37
00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:27,188
Oh.
38
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:30,524
File this under
"Story For Another Time"?
39
00:01:30,558 --> 00:01:32,360
(rattling)
40
00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:35,896
(screams)
41
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,599
Biggus Boobus!
42
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:41,602
(rock music)
43
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:48,142
*
44
00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:52,146
Ugh, I don't believe this!
45
00:01:52,180 --> 00:01:53,881
All the airports
are more shut down
46
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,616
than I am emotionally.
47
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:58,219
Earl, have you had any luck
with any busses or trains?
48
00:01:58,252 --> 00:01:59,553
I'm on it.
49
00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:02,623
What button do I push
for the Internet?
50
00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:04,425
I just talked
to the insurance company.
51
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,427
They're gonna pay
for all our repairs.
52
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:07,761
And they gave me
some extra money
53
00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,763
'cause I told them
we were pregnant.
54
00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:12,500
Can we please focus on how
I'm gonna get to L.A.?
55
00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:14,635
I have low self-esteem
and a well-viewed sex tape.
56
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:16,904
I should be there already!
57
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:19,640
Max, I'm gonna try
to put this delicately.
58
00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:23,277
You're acting like
a cray-cray psycho stalker.
59
00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:24,578
I am not a stalker.
60
00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:26,180
I'm the one that gets stalked.
61
00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:27,815
That reminds me,
I should probably tell Gary
62
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,183
I'm going out of town.
63
00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:30,784
Oh, he knows.
64
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:33,721
He left a bon voyage dookie
on our welcome mat this morning.
65
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:36,390
But the card was sweet.
66
00:02:36,424 --> 00:02:38,459
Well, then
as your best friend,
67
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,928
I am going with you
to make sure you're okay.
68
00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:42,830
You know, Randy did give me
an airline voucher
69
00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:44,832
when I ruined our relationship
the first time.
70
00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:46,534
I could probably get
two tickets for that,
71
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,669
so I could put my feet up.
72
00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:50,838
Or I guess you could come.
73
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:53,407
If I'm the wing-lady
on your stalking mission,
74
00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:55,809
I'm gonna go ahead
and call this a vacation.
75
00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,678
Wow, that's sad.
76
00:02:57,711 --> 00:03:00,481
All right,
I'm almost on the Internet.
77
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,416
Does anybody know
my password?
78
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:03,951
It's "Earl."
79
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:07,588
Oh, right,
my first dog's name.
80
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,892
Hey, everybody!
81
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,830
I just got in a fight
with one of Barbara's friends
82
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,699
in the IKEA ball pit.
83
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:21,702
Yeah, if you're gonna
bring meatballs in there,
84
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,971
you gotta bring some
for everybody.
85
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:27,007
Yeah, there's never enough
meatballs in a ball pit.
86
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,477
Earl, how we doing
on our trip to L.A.?
87
00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:31,445
Well, the rental cars
are rented out,
88
00:03:31,479 --> 00:03:34,448
trains are down,
and no flights till Tuesday.
89
00:03:34,482 --> 00:03:37,351
And I got a message from emoji.
Who's emoji?
90
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:41,855
Hey, why don't you two
just road trip it?
91
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:44,392
You know,
throw a cooler of beer
92
00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:47,861
with pulled pork in the trunk
and just go, baby.
93
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:50,264
I would do the same
if I didn't have
94
00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:52,666
that giant breastfeeding baby.
95
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:54,502
I'm talking about Oleg.
96
00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:58,739
May I suggest
the Toyota Yaris I sold to Han?
97
00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:00,474
It's efficient on gas,
98
00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:03,277
and the trunk can't
be unlocked from the inside.
99
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:05,746
Oh, no!
You're not taking my car.
100
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,781
It's my turn to drive
my quilting group
101
00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:09,550
to the farmers' market.
102
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,785
Han, we can do this
the hard way
103
00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:13,954
where you don't give me the keys
and I give you a wedgie,
104
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:16,056
or the easy way where
you do give me the keys
105
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,359
and I give you a slightly
less intense wedgie.
106
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:20,761
The keys are in my office,
but you're not--
107
00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:23,764
Oh, dear, I've said too much.
108
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,566
Who do you see
winning this one?
109
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,901
And you should know,
Max keeps a pocket full of sand
110
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:30,438
for these kinda things.
111
00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:32,640
Jingle-jangle, bitches!
112
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:35,676
You should be fired for
what happened back there.
113
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:38,512
Bathing suit areas
are off limits.
114
00:04:38,546 --> 00:04:40,448
Fine, use my car,
115
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,082
but I'm going
to be driving it.
116
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,917
I'm coming with you.
117
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,787
I finally got the gas pedal
extension where I like it.
118
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:48,922
But who's gonna run the diner?
119
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:53,394
FYI, I managed a pretty
successful jerk shack for years.
120
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:55,095
Ew, Oleg.
121
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,064
What? Get your mind
out of the gutter.
122
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,099
We sold Jamaican-style chicken.
123
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:03,070
As a front for
full-release massages.
124
00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:06,474
Y'all, what was
my first dog's name again?
125
00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:08,709
-Earl.
-What?
126
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:12,613
I guess my only options here
are Oleg and Earl.
127
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:15,816
Woof, real Murderers' Row.
128
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:17,585
Who are you gonna
have waitress?
129
00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:19,353
'Cause you know
they'll have to match
130
00:05:19,387 --> 00:05:22,556
the extremely low bar
set by my associate and myself.
131
00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:23,724
Ohh!
132
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,726
Oh, can I do it?
133
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,695
Oh, who am I kidding?
134
00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:29,763
Or course I can!
135
00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:33,967
I actually used to be
a waitress at Pooters.
136
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,703
You mean Hooters?
137
00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:38,439
No, it was Poland's version.
138
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:41,742
Yeah, all the waitresses
were bottomless.
139
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:44,445
I'm hoping there were
a lot of hairnets involved.
140
00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:46,514
Oh, you'd think so.
141
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:52,853
Han, I'd say you drive
like a little old lady,
142
00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:54,855
but three of them
just passed us.
143
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:57,991
I had more fun driving
my bitchy friend Neil
144
00:05:58,025 --> 00:06:00,461
to get his blisters drained.
145
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:02,029
Also, what's the strategy here?
146
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:03,864
We've been driving for hours.
147
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,999
Well, once we find
an open airport,
148
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,636
we'll fly to L.A.,
where Max will surprise Randy,
149
00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:10,771
and she'll be all, "Ahhh,"
150
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:14,007
and he'll be all, "Ahhh."
151
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:17,144
First of all,
great Randy impression.
152
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:20,748
I almost gave you
a little "Wahhh."
153
00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:22,483
You girls have
less of a game plan
154
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:25,052
than any season of
American Horror Story.
155
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:27,755
Well, who really needs
a game plan anyway?
156
00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:30,157
I'm on vacation, baby.
157
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:32,626
See?
Didn't even tear up that time.
158
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,562
What's with these snacks?
159
00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:35,763
Vegetables?
160
00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:38,699
Are you on
that bunny diet again?
161
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,901
No, I gained weight
on that somehow.
162
00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:44,772
Han, there's a lot
of Goo Goo Dolls here.
163
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:48,041
GGD: Live Goo.
Wow.
164
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,177
I'm taking music criticism
165
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:52,913
from a proud member
of the Juggalo nation?
166
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,582
Hand me a radish.
167
00:06:57,017 --> 00:07:00,521
I mean, how long are you
supposed to chew a radish?
168
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:01,922
Forever?
169
00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:04,792
Can I interest anyone
in a side trip
170
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,059
to Pine Creek Gorge?
171
00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:07,795
If you love the Grand Canyon,
172
00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:10,931
you'll think Pine Creek Gorge
is pretty good.
173
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:15,135
Oh, my seasonal gourd.
174
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:18,572
Look at Randy's
Snapchat story.
175
00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:20,073
This movie's got
such a large budget,
176
00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:21,742
they even got the lawyer
is own trailer.
177
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,677
Oh!
Scratch that.
178
00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:27,748
I'm sharing it with
a very large scorpion.
179
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:28,949
(gasps)
180
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,618
You're jealous
of a scorpion now?
181
00:07:30,651 --> 00:07:31,752
That's where we're at?
182
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,086
No!
183
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,489
There's a finger
on Randy's shoulder.
184
00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:36,957
A woman's finger.
185
00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:38,859
Manicured nail,
no wedding ring.
186
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:40,694
How dare she?
187
00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:43,263
Yea nor nay
on Pine Creek Gorge?
188
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:44,732
The exit's in three miles,
189
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:47,000
and I should start
changing lanes.
190
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:48,969
So that's a maybe?
191
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:51,505
I gotta finger this out!
192
00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:54,107
Ugh, why can't you zoom in
on a video?
193
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,776
I know we have
the technology.
194
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,277
It was used against me
195
00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:01,048
in the case of Bass Pro Shops
versus Max Black.
196
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:03,717
Ugh, I think there's
a pit in my fig.
197
00:08:03,751 --> 00:08:05,018
That's a prune,
198
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:06,720
and I'd pace yourself.
199
00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:09,289
Caroline, could you
call the diner and check in?
200
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,592
I've been getting
the machine all day,
201
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:14,261
and I gotta make sure Oleg
isn't shooting a porno there.
202
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:15,796
Oh, he didn't get the funding.
203
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:18,031
His Kinkstarter campaign
fizzled out.
204
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,270
There, the phone is unplugged.
205
00:08:23,303 --> 00:08:26,640
Good luck calling
the police now, table two.
206
00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:28,809
Wow, you unplugged that phone
207
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:31,178
faster than we unplugged
my Aunt Esther.
208
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:34,081
She was a mean lady.
209
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:37,818
Sophie, ready to re-enter
the workforce?
210
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,621
I'm ready.
211
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:44,324
The question is,
are you ready?
212
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:48,295
And the answer is
no, I am not.
213
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:50,631
Hey, everybody!
214
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:53,100
Can I take your order?
215
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:56,303
Miss, sparkling or still?
216
00:08:56,336 --> 00:09:00,207
How's everything tasting?
217
00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:06,980
* Mmmbop, ba duba dop
218
00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:09,717
* Ba du bop, ba duba
219
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:12,986
* Ba dup bop, ba du, yeah
220
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:15,222
* Mmmbop, ba
221
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,257
I wish you guys
would win American Idol
222
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:19,693
so I'd never have
to hear from you ever again.
223
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:21,829
Oh, come on, Max.
Listen up.
224
00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:24,665
What's a road trip
without a sing-along?
225
00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:26,600
I don't know, tolerable.
226
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:29,670
Now let's talk about something
everyone's interested in.
227
00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:31,605
I screen-grabbed
Randy's video,
228
00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:32,973
which enabled me to zoom in.
229
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,742
And upon zooming,
I realized that--
230
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,276
You're going crazy?
231
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:39,680
Max, seriously,
maybe we should go back home.
232
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:41,081
Randy blocked you.
233
00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:43,016
You have to expect
there might be a new finger
234
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:44,151
in his life.
235
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:46,019
I am not going crazy.
236
00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:47,955
I'm merely scouring
the World Wide Web
237
00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:50,257
for female friends of Randy
who are tagged in a photo of him
238
00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:51,859
with their index fingers
cropped out.
239
00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:53,694
That way I can piece
the two photos together
240
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,362
jigsaw style
to get the answers I deserve,
241
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:58,131
and oh, my God,
I think I'm having a breakdown.
242
00:09:58,165 --> 00:09:59,900
She's not the only one.
243
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:02,970
(gears grinding)
244
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:05,005
Please tell me that was
Caroline's prunes kicking in.
245
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,246
I can't believe we're broken
down in the middle of nowhere.
246
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,283
Amanda Knox had
a better vacation than this.
247
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:18,986
We have to start walking.
Leave that suitcase here.
248
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:20,253
What did you pack in there,
249
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:22,723
one of your long-winded
anecdotes?
250
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:23,991
Funny story actually.
251
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:25,659
I was going
through my sweaters,
252
00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:27,327
and I realized
that when I was 14--
253
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,730
Hold that thought forever.
254
00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:33,767
Now you wanna find a finger,
you gotta use a finger.
255
00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:36,269
(gasps) Max, no!
We can't hitchhike.
256
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:38,271
What if some psycho
picks us up?
257
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:41,942
Really, who wouldn't
want to wear this skin?
258
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:44,745
I think the problem
is the transmission.
259
00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:47,147
There is none.
260
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:50,751
I hitchhiked
all the time in school.
261
00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:52,319
Nothing bad ever happened.
262
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:54,888
I did spend a year locked
in a guy's shed once,
263
00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:56,323
but that was mutual.
264
00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:59,026
I'll tell you
what I told my prom date,
265
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:00,427
put that finger away.
266
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:02,696
I thought your prom date
was gay.
267
00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:05,866
He was.
He was doing a lot of this.
268
00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:16,777
Oh, good, tinted windows
269
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:20,047
for a more private
murdering experience.
270
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:23,183
Um, this thing is smoking
more than my grandma
271
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:25,853
at the Bingo finals.
272
00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:27,921
You girls stuck?
273
00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:30,958
I think "stagnant" is
a better word for us.
274
00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:34,795
Name's Becky.
With the good hair.
275
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:35,829
(laughs)
276
00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:37,197
Y'all need a ride?
277
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:40,400
Thanks. We're going west,
Fievel style.
278
00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:43,203
If you could take us somewhere
with outgoing flights.
279
00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:44,805
I can drive if you want.
280
00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:47,407
I used to do it for
a Colombian drug lor--
281
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,242
Frito-Lay.
282
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,211
I can get you all the way
to Missouri,
283
00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:53,380
home to street violence
and a large percentage
284
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:56,149
of America's OxyContin
epidemic.
285
00:11:56,183 --> 00:11:59,853
Great, and, Max,
at least you'll know people.
286
00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:03,423
Oh, good, we got a ride,
'cause that car is deader
287
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:04,958
than the conversation
288
00:12:04,992 --> 00:12:07,160
at the Jolie-Pitt
Thanksgiving this year.
289
00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:09,529
Oh, sorry,
you girls can come,
290
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:12,099
but I don't let strange men
into my cab.
291
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:14,968
Oh, I can vouch for Han.
He's not a man.
292
00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:17,370
It's okay, girls.
Go ahead without me.
293
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,239
I'll just call AAA.
294
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,141
Cool.
Later, hater.
295
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:23,844
Wait!
296
00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:25,278
You're really leaving?
297
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:27,380
Who leaves someone
on the side of the road
298
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,917
in the middle of nowhere?
(horn honks)
299
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:31,751
You're not people!
300
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:39,259
Excuse me, Miss?
301
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:42,162
Oh, not you again.
302
00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:44,531
Listen, don't eat this.
303
00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:48,869
I ordered a steak,
and this is a dirty washcloth.
304
00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:50,237
You want me to heat it up?
305
00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:54,407
I mean, why am I
always getting you stuff?
306
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:57,077
How come you're not
scratching my back?
307
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,312
(laughs)
308
00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:01,448
See how I told him off?
309
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:04,284
You know, just like
Max does, right girl?
310
00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:06,887
Why are you calling me girl?
311
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,221
I'm calling you a woman.
312
00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:10,357
You like, like the girls
do with Han,
313
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,325
only he takes it.
314
00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:15,162
I mean, I wasn't
expecting all this.
315
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:16,329
Well, neither was I.
316
00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:18,131
This is supposed to be
my nap time.
317
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:21,902
This is my vacation.
318
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:24,104
That's how bad
my real life is.
319
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,073
And I'm trying to get back
with my ex.
320
00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:28,575
He blocked me on his phone,
and I am one diaper away
321
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:31,845
from being that
crazy lady astronaut.
322
00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:34,247
I never had the courage
of putting myself out there.
323
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:36,449
I mean, romantically speaking.
324
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:39,019
I was on the Seal Team
that killed Bin Laden.
325
00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:42,055
I don't know.
326
00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,456
I may look tough
on the outside,
327
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,592
but underneath it all
is a scared little girl
328
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:48,061
and a lot
of homemade tattoos.
329
00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:50,964
Well, you clearly
have good judgment.
330
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:53,233
Take a look at this video
and tell me if this finger
331
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:55,202
looks like it's been
in my boyfriend's mouth.
332
00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:57,070
Hold on, let me grab
my glasses!
333
00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:59,139
Whoa, Becks!
You wanna pick a lane?
334
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,074
We're currently in all three.
335
00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:02,943
Don't distract her
from the video.
336
00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:04,011
Hey--
337
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:06,479
Oh, like this.
338
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:09,482
Enough talking.
Show us your ass, white boy.
339
00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:11,551
(blares horn)
340
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,220
So sorry.
341
00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:15,222
I didn't know the horn
would be so loud,
342
00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:17,090
but could you scooch?
343
00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:18,959
Ooh, I wasn't driving?
344
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:23,230
Man, being a Seal
really messed with my head.
345
00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:25,265
I don't know why I didn't
think of this before,
346
00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:28,301
but my friend, Sloppy Joe,
has a one-engine plane.
347
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:30,570
He might be able to fly y'all
all the way to L.A.
348
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:32,305
I'm sorry, what?
349
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:36,176
A messy sandwich
is gonna fly us to L.A.?
350
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:38,378
Okay.
351
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:39,679
Sloppy was
an old high school crush
352
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,248
I never had the guts
to go for.
353
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:42,916
Man was a legend there.
354
00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:45,018
He was a senior for nine years.
355
00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:47,154
Thanks,
Becky With the Good Hair.
356
00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:49,156
And you'll find someone,
I'm sure.
357
00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:50,657
You just gotta go for it.
358
00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:52,993
That's what she keeps
telling me.
359
00:14:53,026 --> 00:14:54,194
I know, but she will.
360
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:03,003
I don't think we've
formally met, Sloppy Joe.
361
00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:04,671
I'm Caroline Channing.
362
00:15:04,704 --> 00:15:07,174
They'll be reporting
our deaths together.
363
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:09,409
You're on your own there.
364
00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:13,013
They reported mine
five years ago.
365
00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:16,283
We're on a ghost plane?
Awesome!
366
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:19,486
Just curious, will there
be a beverage service?
367
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:21,421
You want some of my beer?
368
00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:24,024
That's all right, you already
spilled most of it on me.
369
00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:26,426
I bet that's
why they call him sloppy.
370
00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:29,096
Nope, my landings are a mess.
371
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:32,565
Caroline,
look at the bright side.
372
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,501
How?
None of the lights work.
373
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:36,169
We're on our way to L.A.,
374
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:39,072
and sloppy took Randy's
voucher as payment.
375
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:41,441
And then rolled
a nice, fat joint with it.
376
00:15:41,474 --> 00:15:43,643
You bet I did.
377
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:46,313
-Whoa!
-Ride the lightning!
378
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:48,348
Yee-haw!
Do it back.
379
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:51,318
Let me hear you say,
"Yee-haw!"
380
00:15:51,351 --> 00:15:53,520
BOTH: Yee-hawwww!
381
00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:05,098
I'm just glad you found me.
382
00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:07,100
I was about to build
a hut for the night.
383
00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:09,402
I thought you said you didn't
pick up strange men.
384
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:11,104
I didn't.
385
00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:14,541
Until a new friend convinced me
I gotta take a chance.
386
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:20,113
How fast can this old rig go?
387
00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:24,017
This old rig
can go all night, baby.
388
00:16:24,051 --> 00:16:27,387
Doesn't answer my question
at all,
389
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:30,123
but let's do the damn thing.
390
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:41,634
This flight's a lot bumpier
than I thought it was gonna be.
391
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,370
Speaking of bumps,
392
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:46,106
y'all don't have any blow,
do you?
393
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:47,707
Yeah, that's what
this flight needs,
394
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:50,143
a more jittery pilot.
395
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:51,444
-Wow.
-Oh!
396
00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:53,246
Randy just posted a new video.
397
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,382
Eh, buffer faster!
398
00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,317
Ugh, do you get
any bars up here?
399
00:16:57,350 --> 00:17:00,453
If I did, I wouldn't be
asking you for cocaine.
400
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:01,788
(screams)
401
00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:04,257
Never mind, don't need it.
402
00:17:04,291 --> 00:17:06,126
We're going down.
403
00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:08,661
Going down?
My least favorite expression.
404
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,064
And now I hate it even more.
405
00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:13,133
At least in this version
of going down
406
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:16,403
you don't have
to spoon afterwards.
407
00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:17,704
-Oh, my God!
-Ah!
408
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,739
Caroline, amazing news.
409
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,308
You found parachutes?
410
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:23,476
Or that part of the wing
that tore away?
411
00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:25,278
Ha, oh, no, we're goners.
412
00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:27,814
But Silver Linings Playbook,
413
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:31,184
that finger belonged
to Randy's mom!
414
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,752
She's visiting him on set.
415
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:35,155
Ah, and she's not even
that cute.
416
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:38,091
I am gonna be so mad at you
in heaven.
417
00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:39,692
You think I'm going to heaven?
418
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:42,095
(chuckles)
She thinks I'm going to heaven.
419
00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:44,297
(both laugh)
420
00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:47,700
Plane's too heavy.
We gotta drop some weight.
421
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:51,571
I knew those curly fries at
the truck stop were a mistake,
422
00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:54,307
but they didn't offer
a healthy alternative.
423
00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:56,509
-Hold this.
-What? Ohh!
424
00:17:56,543 --> 00:18:00,113
Hey, Sloppy,
the sky is that way!
425
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:03,383
I like this, too.
426
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:06,319
This suitcase has gotta go.
427
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:07,720
No, all my clothes are in there.
428
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,722
All of our money!
Our credit card!
429
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,724
There is no way that
that one tiny suitcase
430
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:14,227
is causing all these problems
with your plane.
431
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:25,238
Very well,
perhaps I overpacked.
432
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:27,640
Beer me.
433
00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:33,246
(bell dings)
Pick up!
434
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:36,616
Unless that's
a huge problem for you.
435
00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:37,884
That's it.
436
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:40,153
I'm gonna tell you
the same thing
437
00:18:40,187 --> 00:18:41,821
that I told Pooters
438
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:46,359
when they added pants
to the uniform.
439
00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:48,561
I quit.
440
00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:49,929
You quit?
441
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,232
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
442
00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:54,234
You're fired.
443
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,935
Oh, yeah?
444
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,638
Yeah!
445
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:01,541
Have I been a bad waitress?
446
00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:06,746
The naughtiest.
447
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:13,553
Uh, they're not gonna have sex
in a restaurant, are they?
448
00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:15,922
Well, it wouldn't be
the first time.
449
00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:19,826
Hell, it wouldn't be
the eighth time.
450
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:23,463
Pick up, Oleg.
451
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,865
Oh, yeah, man.
This is happening.
452
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:31,938
And that's when I married
my high school sweetheart.
453
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:34,741
Well, she was in high school.
I was 38.
454
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:37,277
Another terrific story, Sloppy.
455
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,412
Almost makes me forget
we have no money,
456
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:42,549
no clothes, and we're getting
zero mileage for this flight.
457
00:19:42,582 --> 00:19:44,484
Silver Linings Playbook,
though.
458
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:45,885
Little Randy update.
459
00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:47,754
Max, I don't care
how expensive it is.
460
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:50,823
You are going to therapy
when we get back.
461
00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:52,592
Well, that's a wrap on
the first day of filming
462
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:53,860
here in Austin, Texas.
463
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:55,295
Or as they say
around these parts,
464
00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:56,596
don't tess with Mexas.
465
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:57,864
Whoa.
466
00:19:57,897 --> 00:20:01,868
Don't drink
on a scorpion bite.
467
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:04,837
The man ain't wrong.
468
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,573
Wait, so Randy's
not in Los Angeles?
469
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:07,974
He's in Texas.
470
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:10,977
Wow, you're a bad stalker, Max.
471
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:12,979
Sloppy,
hang a Ralph or a Louie.
472
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:14,914
Whatever gets us to Texas.
473
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:17,250
Eh, there's two things
that Slop won't do.
474
00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:19,619
Alert the proper authorities
of my flight pattern
475
00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:22,655
or step foot in Texas.
476
00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:24,524
You need to make
your own way there.
477
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:27,927
I'll drop you here.
I gotta whiz anyway.
478
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:30,263
Ah! Drop us here?
479
00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:32,999
Whiz?
What does that mean?
480
00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:35,001
Uh, I think it means
I'm jumping out
481
00:20:35,034 --> 00:20:37,737
of another plane this month.
482
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:41,240
You know what?
I miss the diner.
34674
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